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Friday, May 31, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 19/30

Today I took a second Off Day. Not on purpose, nor planned, it just sort of happened. I was up last night unable to sleep after waking up around midnight, then woke up late this morning and forgot to pack lunch. I did pack my Burn, and fruit to take in the car for my breakfast, but totally forgot to mix up a shake before heading out. I was really not wanting to be at work where there is a small problem with one of the girls, and trying to find my mojo I indulged in a cup of Decaf when someone offered to deliver it. In retrospect I think even that limited amount of extra caffeine was a mistake given my history with the drug.

Then at lunch I needed to pick up some Frontline from Costco to treat all the critters for fleas this weekend, and while there someone stole my phone! Picked it up right out of the cart where I had set it down to search through a tall pile of brightly coloured cloth for some size 6 summer PJ's for A and waiting for R to call me back. What nerve! I headed straight to Verizon around the corner and they blocked it, but then found out the insurance I pay for is only for damage, not loss or theft. Argh! They gave me a loaner, signed me up for insurance, and said don't file a claim for 30 days. Those will end up being some expensive pajamas. Because I did go back to Costco afterwards and get the PJ's, plus the flea stuff, black peppercorns and a few other items. I figured a little retail therapy would help. But when checking out I ordered ... a slice of pizza? Huh? What the ... heck? (Oh, and I had forgotten to take my midday Burn before leaving the office.)

I wolfed down the pizza on my way back to work around 2pm; irritated, hungry, ready for the day to be over I relished the fat and spice of every bite. My Bad. And I wasn't done. I had a Pink Apple lady on the way home, and then we took A swimming at the pool. Homemade bean soup for dinner once we were back home around 8 along with the last two chugs of Zin straight out of the bottle. Who is this crazy person? Last but not least I snagged the last cup of M's cocoa pebbles and dumped in some milk, which I haven't had in more years than I can remember, and finished those off.

I think I am done. This is the closest I have been to a binge in a long time. I don't even feel like it was me this afternoon - those hours are a blurry haze of emotion and confusion and just plain disconnect that belonged to someone else. Crazy. And all day long, all I wanted to do was to call H and see how his day was going. He is up in Nevada City, at one of my favorite archery ranges, and I am not with him. Double Argh! Why on earth do I want so badly to hear his voice. Splitting up was the right thing to do. It was.

I think part of the days 'relapse' was seeing the ten pounds lost. For some reason (I don't need to spend a zillion dollars to find out why, I pretty much know) every time I start to really feel thinner I sabotage myself. As if I am scared to look great, because god knows I don't want to draw unwanted attention to myself. I thought I was over that, but it's the only thing I can think of that would warrant the reaction I had today. And if you have seen the list of what I ate on my real Off Day it's obvious this all started yesterday. I think the stresses at work & then the whole phone debacle just pushed me over an emotional edge I didn't realize I had been precariously balanced on for some time now.

The good news is that tomorrow is Saturday so I can take the time I need to get both reorganized and re-acquainted with myself. So back on plan first thing - two Burn days this weekend - and stay busy and burn calories. I have great incentive to get things done around the house; a co worker is bringing her mini pinscher over Sunday afternoon to see if she (the dog) gets along with Kaylee & the Puggles. If they all seem to do well together I will be dog sitting for a week while she (the co-worker) goes to Costa Rica. I want to finish getting up the foxtails from the back yard and get some flowers planted out front before they arrive. And it will be back up into the 90's tomorrow! So I need to get out there early to work before it heats up and then back out again in the evening once it begins cooling down.

So I will forgive myself the crazy day, eat well and take my CBS products all weekend, and stay busy on my feet as much as possible. That's the plan.

Maybe if I say it one more time it will cement it in my psyche - Eat plants, use the Burn & Shape, and move move move! Three's the Charm.

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