No Cookies!!!

It's a little hard being home all day with so many leftovers. I threw away all of the candy from Thanksgiving; my grandmother would make small baskets of candy to set by each place at the table, and I continue the tradition. But I can't throw away good food and I have thought on and off today that another turkey sandwich would be nice.

I am here to remind myself that it would be even nicer to lose weight this holiday season instead of gaining weight. I am speaking to the saboteur that has an inside track to my common sense, trying to convince me that one sandwich won't matter. But it's a lie, I know that every calorie counts, every grain of white flour or sugar is poison, every snack a diversion away from living in a right sized body. I am choosing to ignore this addict's talk and instead take measures to resist the urge to eat anything further today.

(b)  fried eggs over red breakfast potatoes
(l)  turkey, corn, and brocolli
(d)  turkey soup, mashed potatoes & gravy

I had a couple of pieces of cheese this afternoon and several slices of peppered salami. A broken line, my bad. I sometimes think that snacking is the least important of my Bright Lines, but I know that's just me trying to rationalize a bad decision.

Tomorrow is the last day of a long weekend, and there are freshly baked chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen. Big Sigh. But I don't expect anyone else to change what they are doing just because I have taken a different path. Normally I would be right in the fray, eating what I want and not much caring. But for some reason, I do care at the moment, and I will ignore any chatter in my head to the contrary.

Oh, and the scale is in the garage. I said I would put it away when I reached ten pounds and that was last weekend. I don't anticipate bringing it in to weight in the morning, and the idea is to eat on plan and no weigh myself for a while. I'm worried that I will keep breaking lines and stop losing weight, and that without the scale there is no way to stay accountable. This is where the trust comes in I guess. Trusting in the plan, and trusting in myself to follow the plan.

Right now it feels like a diet, not a cure, and it's pissing me off. I think I need a dose of science to boost my determination by reminding myself how powerful the addiction is to sugar, and doubly so when combined with fat and flour. The trivecta of doom. Ha. How theatrical. But also, how true.

No cookies!!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Turkey

The good: Bright Line breakfast and dinner

The bad: two bites pumpkin pie - no crust, two coconut cookies, cheese & salami snack.

The Turkey: Sandwich for lunch and soup for dinner.

It was a productive day. In the morning I packed up three lunches using left over turkey and microwaving some broccoli & corn for 6oz veg in each container. I flavored the veggies with a little butter and poultry seasoning in keeping with the holiday spirit.

While the fam was out I moved some furniture around, getting the bookcase out of the living room to make room for the Christmas Tree. It's a very pretty tree, picked out by A, and I am guessing we will decorate it tomorrow.

This morning I also made turkey stock, and this afternoon I used it to make turkey rice soup for dinner. There are five bowls leftover in the fridge, bringing my prepared meals count to 8. Of course I am expecting some help in eating them, but that is fine. And I still have another bag of bones in the fridge to make another batch of stock, but I think I will freeze them for another weekend.

About the soup. It's full of mixed vegetables (corn, peas, green beans, carrots), diced red rhubarb, plus onions and celery (the herb mix prepared by the store is flavorful shortcut for making soup). Then a cup of rice and simmered until done, and finally the chopped turkey to warm up at the end. Delish. Anyway, I decided that I would weigh out each bowl to 14oz; 6oz veg + 4oz protein + 4oz whole grain. I'm not too concerned about if the proportions are correct; I know I'm eating a reasonable amount of food and that it's all good.

I picked up more canned pumpkin at the store this morning, but there's no room in the fridge to make another batch of custard what with all the leftovers taking up so much real estate. I've really enjoyed having the warm yummy custard the last few mornings, and hopefully by Sunday there will be room in the fridge and I'll bake another batch.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)   turkey sandwich (as planned - no grain for breakfast and two servings of Ezekiel bread)
(d)  turkey rice veggie soup

I'm looking forward to another two days off of work, and hopefully the rain will hold off enough to get some decorating done tomorrow. Tis the season. Which reminds me of Joey, and that he's not here. I still think of him everyday, and sometimes the pain still comes. But living with my grandchildren fills my days with love and distractions, and while I miss who he could have been, it's just a dream I hold in my heart.

A friend once said that she misses her son too, that he is on the other side of the world, like it was the same thing. I hope she never knows the difference.

99 meals left until New Years

First the Thanks.

We are all so thankful that C is mostly thriving, that he is enduring his treatment, that his prognosis is good. I am also thankful that my daughter and I work well together, that we compliment each other in the kitchen. We had a very productive day - R doing most of the work in the kitchen with excellent help from A while M watched C - and dinner was wonderful.

So dinner went much as I planned, except I did have a crescent roll. And had a little taste everything; a bite of sweet potato, the teeniest sliver of cranberry jelly, and I did use flour to make the gravy. Lastly, I had two very small slices of pie. One pecan that R made and one pumpkin. AND a dollop of R's whipped cream. And yes, one more bite of the pecan it was so good. So not as clean a meal as I planned, but nothing unreasonable. I finished de-boning the turkey, and the carcass is ready to make turkey stock tomorrow. I'll roast a tray of veggies to pack up with some turkey for lunches next week, and probably make some turkey rice soup for dinners.

Which reminds me, I really need to clean out the freezer.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  triscuits (new Rye & Caraway seed blend!), cheese & salami, apple
(d) Thanksgiving fare, all the fixings, one plate
(d)  pie as noted above

I'm thinking I will make a turkey salad sandwich mix instead of just making a regular turkey sandwich tomorrow. I can make enough to last for a few days and use it in salads after my sandwich. We'll see. But lots of celery and green onion sounds good right now, and I have a feeling the Ezekiel bread will be better toasted underneath that. I still haven't checked, but I have a feeling a serving is only one slice, and I am determined to keep my Bright Lines tomorrow. Tomorrow and every other day through till Christmas, when there may be a trifle for dessert. But it will all depend on how the next week goes. If I can't eat flour & sugar at one meal then get right back on track, well then, I guess I am a food addict who has to abstain completely. I will do whatever is best for me, and I am still discovering what that is now that I have read Susan's book.

One of R's friends threw a quote out about how many meals there are between now and January 1st. And something about how only four of them are actual holiday meals. As of today there are 33 days till New Years, that's 99 meals, and for me only two more of them entail traditional holiday fare. It feels so good to know there is a plan, or will be one daily, for all of those meals. That I have tools to use, and Bright Lines to guide me during this time. That there won't be mindless eating, that I won't be gaining holiday pounds, but that instead I will continue to shed them.

It's such a relief to know I won't be starting a diet come January!

Bright Line Pumpkin Custard - a work in progress

This does not follow the eating guidelines as put forth in Bright Line eating plan. It does conform to the Bright Lines I have drawn against flour & sugar. I started with an online low carbohydrate recipe, and updated it to replace fake sugar with pureed dates.

1 15oz pumpkin
4 Eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
1.5 tsp pumpkin pie spice
Dash  apple pie spice
1C half n half
2oz chopped pecans
1 tsp butter

I whipped everything together except the butter and pecans, then evenly distributed between three bowls that are oven proof. I threw the pecans and butter in the microwave for 30 seconds then stirred to coat before sprinkling over the three bowls of custard. (The butter was to keep the nuts from burning.)

350 degrees for an hour and they were cooked perfectly. One I ate for breakfast and the other two are stored in the fridge. It was delicious, and too filling. Each bowl was a serving of protein, a fruit and a fat. I didn't think about missing a whole grain! Next time I will add another protein serving (blended white beans? flax? cottage cheese?) and cut the cream in half so I have four servings to stretch the pumpkin farther. I'm not sure if it's right counting it as a fruit, but it is. There were about five dates in each serving so I think I am counting it as 5oz of fruit and then the dates make up the 6th oz. I'll have to think about the whole grain component. Maybe use the Ezekiel cereal with the nuts for a sort of 'crumble' topping. Yes! With cinnamon! Sounds like a plan.

Anyway, a keeper for a hot breakfast on a winter morning. I guess tomorrow I will see what happens when I warm it up in the microwave.

I stayed busy all morning picking up and taking things out to the garage. The fam is back from treatment, and my quiet morning is over. It was nice, but even nicer to have them home.  Time to make lunch and watch a Christmas movie.
-------------------------------
On a whim I decided to head out and catch a movie - basically get out of the way for a while - and without even thinking about it too much braved the rain and arrived at the theatre just in time for Frozen II. I thought that while parts were silly, overall it was wonderful; loved the animation and story. I'm such a child. I had a small bag of popcorn with 'butter'. So one bright line down (snacking.)

(b) pumpkin custard
(l)  leftover pot roast, roasted carrots, celery & onion
(d) Star burger, no bun, and criss-cut fries - and there is the second bright line down (flour.)

Now that I know wheat flour is the 3rd ingredient I won't ever order the criss-cut fries again. I was on my way to the kitchen to make dinner when M said he was going to CJ's and did I want anything. I barely hesitated before placing my order.  Who cooks the night before Thanksgiving?

So feeling more full than usual, I don't like it, and there is a gross taste leftover in my mouth, which I am also not enjoying. On the one hand I am sorry for my dinner, but on the other hand I think I will remember this feeling and remember to just say no next time. I realize I should have just said (to myself) Not My Food in the first place - but it's been that kind of day I guess.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, and having a nice sit down dinner with family. I've journaled what I will have the next two days so I am mentally prepared for both the feast and the next day's leftovers. I'm a little worried about Friday. Typically around here it's a free for all with Turkey sandwiches flying out the kitchen in abandon. There are so many favorite ways to prepare one; mayo & cranberry; mayo & mustard; gravy & dressing. My plan is one sandwich with mayo & mustard for lunch, then regular Bright Line leftovers for dinner.  Then turkey for days in stoup and veggie rice casserole and on and on.

And I'm out of steam, and ready to wind down for the evening. In other words, there is a fire in the living room that is calling my name.

5 Days off!

Another long work day, which is always okay when much is accomplished. A quick stop at the store on the way home, and now I have five days in front of me of no work. Tomorrow is prepping for Thanksgiving; baking a pie, supervising the making of cornbread, straightening up. But all of that is after coffee in bed and a quiet morning all to myself. C is going to the clinic for treatment, and A is overnight at a friends. I only relish these moments because they are rare; if it was all the time I think I would be quite lonely.

Thanksgiving will be all about football and traditional holiday food. I don't feel guilty at all that I am looking forward to mashed potatoes and gravy. And I will try my hand at pumpkin custard tomorrow too - that may just be my breakfast. I don't plan on breaking my Bright Lines for sugar and flour - but because I want to have appetizers I may not have a regular lunch. We'll see. I did finally pick up some Ezekiel bread so that I can have a turkey sandwich on Friday, So yes, food food food. But it's all a showcase for what we are all really thankful for - that C is in remission and responding to treatment. That A is healthy and thriving. That we have a warm roof over our heads.

(b)  turkey sausage & triscuits, banana
(l)  veggie burger & roast veggies, apple
(d)  pepperoni, turkey meatballs, roasted tomatoes & mushrooms.

I tried eating a salad with dinner as I should, but the lettuce tasted bitter to me and I couldn't eat it. Are my taste buds just off lately as I transition away from sugar & flour? I can't figure it out.

Same song, different night; Star Trek and tea.

Bright Line Eating; week 7 in review

Down another pound yesterday for a total of  10.6 lost in seven weeks. This last week was more of a challenge and I think part of my frustration was wondering why harder instead of easier. I had a 'what the hell' moment or two and left pieces of broken lines scattered throughout the day. A small paw patrol graham cracker cookie here, a single Ritz cracker with PB and strawberry jam there. And then half a bag of  chocolate striped popcorn that I found while rummaging for something different to offer C.  I think it was a combination of watching a Christmas movie, being alone with C, and the built up emotions from the past week. I think I spent too much time on self reflection, and a spark of rebellion may have flared from those old but apparently still hot embers. It's all important, and I know there will be more to losing weight than just pounds disappearing. I discount nothing, and will try to learn what I can.

Thinking about the day I could have done worse damage. Susan mentions a couple of times in the book that it's hard on the body to lose weight. I say it's also hard on the mind - if we're healing our brains then I suspect peeling off some scabs along the way is par for the course. Okay, that was a horrible visual. But fairly accurate.

And I did make stew and roast veggies in preparation for the coming week, planning for success so to say. I will count the day as a battle that I eventually won in this ongoing war of weight. The popcorn was instead of dinner, and there was no more eating after that so at least there was nighttime fasting as usual. I really don't want to dwell on it. I will mention that breakfast was delicious - scrambled eggs with mustard on triscuits; at least the day began well.

Today was good. I packed breakfast & lunch, got a lot of work done, and enjoyed the company of a team mate that usually works remote from Oregon. Having her in the office is a breath of fresh air, and she will be here again tomorrow.

(b) turkey sausage, triscuits, strawberries
(l)  beef stew w/ celery, carrots, onions & 2oz red potatoe, Asian pear
(d) 1 oz pepperoni & 3oz hot dog w/roasted mushrooms & grape tomatoes (think pizza)
      6oz raw snap peas and carrots dipped in a little ranch.

I'm full and tired and ready to brew some herbal tea. As Mondays go, this was better than most.

This, That & The Scale

The day is going well, and has been fairly productive. Laundry is half done, R and I both did Turkey day shopping this morning, and I had a dentist appointment earlier. I made a small dent in my room going through clothes, bagging some up to recycle and washing some winter tops that will fit soon if not right away. I packed back away the XL's, they won't fit yet, but I am wearing an XXL top and it's not too snug. I remember last year and looking at the XXXL tops because the double X's weren't fitting and practically having a melt down in the store. But I shoved my feelings down and probably ate them later - I really don't remember.

I did lose 7 pounds last year after that, eating less fast food and more whole foods. Limiting the times I would drive through for a sausage biscuit and coffee for breakfast and a Star burger for dinner felt like progress and I did see the results of those choices. But it was over a year to shave off those pounds, and it was all about will power and denying myself and no real hope in sight for long term results. Which brings me to today.

I am hungry this afternoon, and again exercising my will power. While I don't get all of the science she presented about how will power works, I do understand her bottom line that we don't have an inexhaustible supply, and that we have tools we can use to replenish what little we do have. I think she said 15 minutes before you are tapped out. Prayer and Meditation are two of the tools, and while I am good at neither I know like with any tool the more you use it the more skilled you can become. And this time there is a plan, and science, and hope.  So feeling my insides gurgling, and wanting to eat something, while a little challenging are not the basis of a fight like the donut was yesterday.

I know that in an hour or so I can start prepping dinner, and soon thereafter will be eating a meal that will leave me full and satisfied.  And that's a new thing, feeling satisfied. It's really nice to eat a meal and not think about food for hours at a time. I've been getting up to eat in the middle of the night for years; a way to self medicate so I can go back to sleep. Now I may think about eating as it gets on to 9 or 10 at night, but herbal tea does the trick. And I may go stand in the kitchen at 1 or 2 in the morning, but it's not often and I don't search for food - I just stand there a moment then head back to bed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything worked out. I started prepping my dinner salad early and then ate it very slowly. By the time I was done it was 4:30 and I heated up my dinner. Eating three meals a day is becoming easier overall, and each time I resist snacking I think it furthers my resolve to stick to that particular Bright Line. I love the idea of my immune system puttering away all night while my body is in it's natural state of fasting. And I appreciate how all of the lines work together; the synergy is beautiful; the fat burns releasing toxins and the immune system works to clear it out of the body. Win, win,.

(b)  Eggs over easy on fried rice, a banana
(l)   Cottage cheese & diced apples, buttered peas
(d)   Turkey meatball stoup, green salad with sunflower seeds

I am ready to turn in for the evening, and my thoughts have turned towards weighing in tomorrow morning. I hate that the scale has so much power over my well being, and that I have had to talk myself out of getting on it several time this past week.. And no matter what the number is I risk being either smug or depressed. I think that perhaps if I have hit ten pounds I will put the scale in the garage for a month and see how that works. I think I can trust the process enough to do that, and it would ease the chatter the scale generates in my brain. I will consider it an act of kindness.

Tomorrow the family is going to see The Cursed Child in San Francisco, and C and I get to hang out.  It will be a long day for everyone - they'll be gone over 12 hours. Hopefully C will take a good nap - he didn't today - and we will have fun. I know they will have a blast; we're all such Potter fans.

A big yawn, and it's time to pack it up.

A Close Call

I was tired today, and off my game a little. It was hard to be at work and the day dragged by at a snail's pace. Half way through the day I decided I would blame it on the donut; this was the payback for breaking a Bright Line.  But even not feeling well did not keep me from thinking about the remaining donuts that are in a bakery box in the kitchen. Not compulsively, but over the course of this evening I found myself thinking that I could have another one. I could wait for everyone to go to bed and then get one and take it to bed with me. I suddenly realized I had a fight on my hands.

I made some nighttime herbal tea, changed into my PJs, and resumed watching a Star Trek I had paused earlier in the evening. And that is where, of all places, I found my motivation in the form of a particularly nice looking man; very well put together for my tastes anyway. And all of a sudden I thought about my form, and what it would mean to me to stay on track. And just like that the chatter stopped. I no longer desired the donut. Thank Heavens - it felt like a close call, but I came out on the right side of things.

(b) cheese & triscuits, no fruit - my grapes tasted off and i didn't eat them
(l)  turkey muffins, corn & peas, potatoe salad
(d)  sausage veggie soup with 2oz rice

I have been thinking again about losing weight faster, but the idea of being more strict with my food scares me.  I know I had too many grains this week, and not enough salad for the 2nd week in a row. I consider this signs of a struggle; there is a pattern of laziness here that concerns me. Okay, maybe I should say tired instead of lazy. As I was reminded in the Bright Line Eating book today, losing weight is hard work - and stressful on the body. It's okay to be tired.

Tomorrow will be about shopping for Thanksgiving. All the traditional fare; I'll just forego the dressing and pie and stick to my Bright Lines for flour and sugar. I do want to find or figure out a recipe for pumpkin custard using dates for sweetness. With eggs and fruit it will be a breakfast recipe. I think we are making gravy using corn starch this year, because I do intend on having a serving of mashed potatoes and gravy with my turkey and green beans. No cranberry jelly for my bird or fried onions on my green beans - those I can do without.

I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to, that I won't even miss those trimmings.

Let the Holidays begin.

A donut and a dream

Just another day at work. Eventually I will have to begin working on the other aspects of Bright Line Eating that I have not yet incorporated into my life. Like not eating in the car. But that is where I eat my breakfast a couple of times a week. If I have hot cereal I wait until I am at my desk - also not recommended. But I imagine those things will come with time as I adjust and my body/brain connection begins working better as a complete unit and not battling factions.

(b) cheese & triscuits, banana
(l)  barley beef soup with lots of veggies
(d) sausage soup with lots of veggies, including 2oz shredded potatoes
(d) chocolate donut

WHAT?? Yes, I ate a donut, and the second (d) is for dessert. It was just me and C while the fam went to see Frozen II. I don't know why I felt like eating, or why I chose the donut. So strange. We had a nice evening together, playing on the couch and watching Bubble Guppies. Then he wanted his ipad and I turned on a Christmas movie. No stress, and then I was eating a donut. Again, so strange.  And I don't feel bad about it, maybe a little disappointed, but nothing dramatic. It will be interesting to see how I feel in the morning. I didn't really feel any effects this evening; so sugar rush, no crash, nothing. It's almost as if it never really happened. But it did, and I have no intention of letting this change my intentions for the next day, or week, or month. Breaking a Bright Line is nothing new, and I know the best thing to do is let it go and look forward. So that's the plan.

I've been thinking about my revelation yesterday, about the disconnect I have always felt in my brain being less about a congenital defect and more about an environmental hazmat situation. I realize that I am the sum of my experiences, and that I did not remain unaffected by the events in my young life. But I thought about it being emotional damage, and partially blaming the experiences on my weight. About needing at some unconscious level to change my body into something that would be undesirable and consequently left alone. But the clarity of the connection in how it may have affected the way my brain actually works cannot be unseen, and I think I nailed it - to coin a popular phrase. So now what do I do about it? For now, nothing. I let my brain continue to heal and see what happens; that will be the only way to see if what I suspect is true. Time will tell.

I've dreamed often over the years of my inner 'true' self breaking free and wearing cute jeans, but never once did I imagine I could also be clear headed. That food addiction had a cure, and that there could come a time when my ramblings here would not be about grief or weight and eating, but about experiences and joy and, well, everything else that may be waiting for me once I kick this. That there may in fact be a life still to be had.

I'm feeling very hopeful tonight, despite the donut. It meant nothing.

Pot Luck Meatballs

I am not a naturally social person. I can be if it's absolutely necessary, but it's not my wheelhouse so to say.  Today I tried. I took the instant pot to work and made meatballs for our Worksgiving potluck. I last about ten minutes then headed back to my office. The office is full of great people and we work together well, but put me in a room with more than a few others and my flight reflex kicks in. I've been this way since childhood. School was a nightmare starting with Jr. High. Elementary school was awesome; there was a garden, I had friends, I was a good reader and the 2nd fastest runner, I loved my school and teachers. I hate to say it, but I think it was the Summer before Jr. High when I was first molested. Why have I never put that together? And is it linked? Big Sigh, there is no control group and I will never know. Never know if there was cause and effect, never know how my life would have been different, never know who I could have been.

Well that was some rabbit hole. No matter how I got here, I am who I am now. And wow, I didn't realize how much resentment I have. So many times I have felt the disconnect between what I could be and what I am, and most of the time I blame it on a learning disability - a disconnect in how my brain works. What if the disconnect is stress eating from molestation leading to food addiction and a life time of feeling like I am falling short of some unseen mark. What if my brain has been malfunctioning my whole life because I was what I ate.  I have heard 'you are what you eat' my whole life, but never took the time to analyze it. Garbage in, garbage out, as we say in computing; why did I never think about this earlier? I think I am fairly smart, so why did the concept of eating for nutrition not sink into my little grey matter until my fifties?

ARghhhhh! Time for Bubble Guppies and snuggles with C. That I can deal with. I didn't break any Bright Lines today and my bra was too big around this morning and needed adjusting. Good Signs.

Holiday Baking Show

I'm sitting here watching the Holiday Baking Show. Should I be? I don't know, but on the surface it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Mostly I see, well, flour and sugar, and know that it's not my food. It's about the creativity, and the medium just happens to be sugar and flour. Lord knows there are many things to choose from in this house on any given day if I was interested in breaking my Bright Lines. But I'm not. If anything I would be more interested in a grilled cheese sandwich. I keep forgetting to pick up some Ezekiel break so I can make that happen; soon, it will happen soon.

(b)  Cooked grains, PB, sliced banana
(l)   Turkey muffins, cooked carrots & squash, strawberries, green grapes & a fig!
(d)  Hamburger with cheese, left over potatoe salad full of veggies

No highs or lows today, but also no motivation to keep working on the house. We have bags o' stuff to go through, still sorting and thinning out our possessions from the summer garage extravaganza. I would love to get it done in time to decorate in here a little for Christmas. We'll see. At least the front of the house is ready. It's so nice to know there is a clear path to the decorations that are stored in the garage, and that I'll only have to move boxes once. 

Maybe we'll bring in the Christmas village this year, that would be fun. But let's get through Thanksgiving first!

Time to have my evening cuppa tea, then lay this tired body down.

Mondays

Mondays are hard. Once upon a time I put a good face on it and declared that hey, this is a 7th of your life, don't be a hater. But somehow this year has been more challenging, and Monday's leave me wiped out.

I'm glad I didn't have to think about food, glad I got to come home and snuggle with C, glad the family gathered for a Christmas show after dinner and a quarter of the way into Monday Night Football. Glad I have a snug, warm, little room where I can disappear at the end of the day.

Maybe Mondays aren't quite as hard as I thought 💙.

(b) cream cheese, triscuits, strawberries and green grapes.
(l)  roasted carrots and yellow squash with black bean patties and a honey crisp apple. 
(d) left over pot roast & veggies and then a little slip up - a polish dog; plain: no bun no condiments.

M had grilled the polish dogs for their dinner, and cooked me one to make a meal of tomorrow, but it smelled so good and had the char of the BBQ on the outside and I decided to eat it. So dinner was heavy on protein and light on salad. Again with the no salad at dinner! I need to figure this out. Maybe I need to prep dinner salads on the weekends too. No, no maybes about it, I do need to start prepping more for dinners. Usually I am tired, and dinner is left overs which is fine, but I can't keep skipping salads on weeknights.

So my three bright lines remained intact, and I think I will pick up a salad kit tomorrow so that it's easier to include salad tomorrow with dinner.

Listening to the family chatter is fun, and I am glad of the comfort all the sounds bring me as I prepare for bed.

Sweet Dreams

Bright Line Eating; week 6 in review

Down another pound. I felt it would be more so was a tinch disappointed. Knowing that was ridiculous because I am making good progress I jumped online to see what a pound meant. The size of a small grapefruit was offered as comparison, and the images that filled my screen of mock-ups of human fat were a little disgusting. So much garbage as I have been carrying around in my poor body.  But I've knows this for years, and felt bad about it, and been helpless no matter how determined I may have been to remedy the situation.

I think I mentioned when I started this six weeks ago that I wasn't manic about this. That I was calm and accepting of the idea of food addiction and how to treat it. And I remember thinking that I would eat closer to the maintenance plan so as to not feel like I was 'dieting' and sabotage myself emotionally.  After this past week I still think that was the right thing to do. I realized this morning that I am feeling a bit resentful that I'm not able to pour a small glass of eggnog, or have a treat at work, or share a box of donuts with the family.  But it's just a thought and I move on. I think if I were being as strict as the losing weight plan is it would be just too much and I would rebel and it would just be another failed diet. But as it is I indulge in small ways everyday so that overall I am not feeling deprived. Cream in my morning coffee, butter on my vegetables, blue cheese dressing on salads, and breakfast sausage or cream cheese with triscuits in the morning. There is no way I feel that I am on a diet eating all of that. And while losing weight faster would be nice, and is still very important to me, I don't think it is my main motivation anymore.

Instead I look forward to feeling calm, like I don't need to eat the world.  There is a post from years ago when I said I wished I could take a slice of the world and eat it all - or something like that. I don't want to ever feel that way again. Six weeks into Bright Line Eating and I feel better about myself than I have in years. Loose clothes and a slimmer face go a long ways to improve one's attitude, and with a good attitude one can accomplish much.

Breakfast this morning was left over wild grains cooked with raisins and then heated up with a serving of PB. Fresh sliced banana over the top rounded out the meal.  Right now I am starving for lunch and I have turkey muffins cooking in the oven and a salad ready to go. The meatballs are seasoned with some pork sausage, and tons of onion, bell pepper and spinach. I threw in some poultry seasoning and feta cheese, some steel cut oats, and an egg. Once scooped into the muffin tin (coated with avocado oil) I added a little squirt of no sugar added ketchup to each top. I can hardly wait.

Dinner will be roasted carrots, hamburger and salad. Easy and simple. This afternoon I'll pack up lunches for the week using the turkey muffins and left over carrots.

It's a beautiful Fall day, my jeans are baggy, and it's lunchtime. Inotherwords, it's all good.

Donuts

Donuts. The trifecta of doom; sugar, flour, fat. Years and years ago a very smart young lady suggested I read a book about that. Googling to try and find the title, I came across several diet books going back years based on the premise of eliminating sugar & flour, of ditching the processed foods because they are addictive. Books on food addiction galore! How did I miss this for so long? Feeling like I was a food addict and seeking support I never ran across these. Maybe it was the timing. I did find Fuhrman and McDougal, but after three years and a change in my life circumstances I could no longer maintain the regimen and pretty much gave up on researching anything. I think I just missed the wave of awareness sweeping through the nutritional world. Or maybe it took Susan Thompson to present the science in a way that made sense to me.

Today was a typical Saturday. The only difference was that I struggled a bit today. Having donuts around is, I fear, wearing me down. But right now C will eat french fried and donuts so I have no complaints. He comes first and he needs the energy.  I had eggs over fried rice this morning, and pineapple for my fruit. That was about 8, and coming on to 11 I was hungry. I wanted to eat. To be specific, I wanted a donut. When the kids left for their errands they left an open box of entenmanns donuts on the kitchen counter. They are not trying to be cruel, just busy with their own doings. I closed up the box and semi-tossed it into the corner of the kitchen counter where the other snacks and breads accumulate. Then I halfheartedly started prowling for something to eat. I ended up having a 1oz slice of cheese over 4 triscuits. By then it was well after 11 and I decided an early lunch was better than a snack. With that in mind I found the 3oz bag of leftover porkloin and nibbled on that while thinking about what veggies I would have. Somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd slices of pork I was distracted by the sorting job I had been working on and forgot about lunch. So no veggies and no fruit for lunch.

Planning on making turkey meatballs for the worksgiving potluck next week I went shopping to by the ingredients of the quick and easy instant pot recipe. We had also watched Bobby Flay and the turkey meatloaf challenge so that was on my mind.  I came home with a top round roast, ground turkey and ground port. I threw sliced onions, mushrooms and carrots into the pot with the roast and beef stock for a sort of quick stroganoff. It was okay, but the time needs some tweaking. And again no salad. I did weigh out first the veggies and then the meat so my portions of those were spot on, but I was full and tired and so no salad.

I need to get back on track. I don't know why I am struggling now when the first month went so well.  I don't want to think about it, I don't want to waste any more of my life wondering why something isn't working. Sigh. I just need to weigh in tomorrow and see a loss and maybe that will be enough motivation. Mostly I just need to NOT be tired.

One day at a time;I'm glad this one is almost over.

Good Signs

We have a team member at work who has expert hands; she can unravel knots in your shoulders and relieve the tension in your neck like an angel. Sometimes she touches me and I'm so sore I have to regulate my breathing and resign myself to the torture that comes before the release. Having been for physical therapy massages for years I know that a little pain goes a long way towards fixing a stressed body. I know I have 'tells', sighs of exasperation or swearing, that compel her to visit my workstation, and today I had a series of small  vexing tasks that drew her to me. To my surprise, two of the worst spots - where the trapezoid muscles cross from shoulder to neck - were tender but not painful. I haven't been doing anything different except...and it hit me...NO SUGAR. We figure that my inflammation has been reduced, and is helping in unexpected ways. Well, not exactly, but I didn't expect to see tangible sign like this so soon. I was hoping for some pain relief as I lost weight and the load was less on my body, but this is wonderful.

That was the second good sign of the day. The weather is cooling, and I pulled out some warmer tops from last winter. Ones that had been too snug to wear. And the first one I tried on fit just fine! It was a really nice way to begin the day, and I'll try on the rest of the tops this weekend as I organize my clothes for the change of season.

Breakfast was cream cheese on triscuits, plus pineapple and green grapes. Lunch was a salad from a local pizzeria's salad bar. Spinach, romaine, beets, sunflower seeds, garbanzos, black olives and hard boiled eggs. Blue cheese dressing. Delicious. She had packed so much into the container I pulled out half to bring home and it will be my lunch tomorrow. Dinner was a black bean burger, leftover peas & corn, and leftover potatoe salad. No salad, I had plenty at lunch, The potatoes counted as a serving of grain, plus it was full of raw veggies as was the 'veggie' burger. It's all good. Especially considering they are having pizza for dinner in the living room. Not that I want any - I assume that eventually one day I will want pizza, but it will be something amazing, not delivery on a Friday night.

I'm yawning and tired but it's only just after 7pm. I like to think I am detoxing and not just old. I think I'll make some tea and join the family; it's too early to get ready for bed!

TGIF 💚

Not My Food

There were mini-bundt cakes in the kitchen at work today. The beginning of the holiday influx of vendor presents. It sounded good but there was no primal urge to have one, not a h.int of desire to indulge. I know it is the first of many temptations over the next couple of months, and today I have no plans to partake of any of it. Well, except at Christmas when the Sees Candy arrives. I think I will have a piece of marzipan chocolate. I've thought of this a couple of times while thinking about keeping my bright lines during this season of sugar, and bottom line - I won't decide until the day arrives when it is there in front of me. No borrowing trouble, it will show up in it's own time. But I have to say, right now I am not interested. I am more interested in NOT eating sugar, and starting the new year in a new size. Or revisit an old size I suppose. It's funny, I threw out so many old clothes this Summer while we were cleaning out the garage, and now I wonder what would have fit in the coming year.  I could have sported a retro look!

I'm tired again tonight - it's the new norm. But I'm still not taking naps so it's a step in the right direction.  Breakfast today was the last of the banana, oatmeal, and nut cereal I had cooked last weekend. Lunch was left over ribs, raw cauliflower and steamed squash with butter and fresh ground pepper. Tonight M make potatoe pancakes with chives & sour cream, sausage & bacon. I weighed out my 4oz of potatoe, but only had a breakfast serving of sausage it's so fatty plus one slice of bacon that I shared with C. 6oz of leftover fruit from Sunday (grapes and pineapple) and I skipped the salad. My Bad. But M had made dinner and I was full and oh well. I don't remember reading anywhere that I have to finish all of my food, but I know skipping greens for sausage is not a healthy choice.

Back to sugar. The kids have discovered that C likes donuts, and that if he eats one at night, he will enjoy a sugar crash that helps him get to sleep and stay asleep. Tonight he had his frosted dense donut sitting next to me on my bed while we cuddled and watched paw patrol. I was an interested observer,  watching him take his petite little bites, and I didn't have a crumb.

I think I have come a long way in the past weeks, able now to distinguish between what I will eat and what is Not My Food, and I'm feeling good about it.

TGIF !!

Dirty potatoe salad

Yesterday was good, bright lines intact, and that's all I have to say about that.

I have five minutes to post before the ribs are done. I love the instant pot, and I love ribs, and they are a marriage made in heaven. While they are cooking I made potatoe salad full of celery, green onion, dill relish, and finely chopped romaine. Usually I would add spinach or kale, but I wanted to keep it family friendly and there are some who balk at the site of anything green. There is a bowl of corn & peas in the microwave to round out the meal.

I'm tired again today, and my appetite is off. I didn't finish breakfast or lunch, and I wasn't starving on the way home. I hope I'm not getting sick; this is how the whole leukemia thing began last year, with us all getting RSV and it devastating C's immune system.

Back to food, the timer is beeping, and I'm out.

Another good day

Another good day. Grains, yogurt and blueberries for breakfast. Black bean burgers and left over stir fry veggies for lunch and a pink lady apple. Left over pork loin cubed up and sauteed with a cauliflower onion mix, and a green salad with blue cheese dressing for dinner.  I'm not missing the evening fruit that I had been eating by mistake at first; my herbal tea without honey is no match but suffices for now.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am a ten on the susceptibility scale after all. My small slice of cake didn't send me into a tailspin,  and I have two clean days under my belt. There is no desire to binge, and no struggle to maintain my Bright Lines. Maybe because I had made the decision that I might have the cake ahead of time, and it wasn't an impulsive breaking of a line, that made it so easy to continue on without breaking any more lines.

I'm feeling good about my progress and having very few cravings - not really even cravings, there's no passion behind the little thoughts that drift by. I remember, not my food, and leave the kitchen.  Can my body really be adapting so quickly? Despite my instant attraction to this idea of healing my brain, and accepting all of the science laid out so beautifully by Susan, like many I have failed so many times it's hard to believe that this is true and working. I remind myself of the thousands that have lost their weight, are in regular sized bodies, and are maintaining their weight loss.

Right now it's been over four hours since I finished dinner, and my stomach is feeling a little grumbly, but it's just there. I'm thinking a little bit about it, but there is nothing compelling me to go browse in the kitchen. It's nice feeling like I have a little control.

Before I jinx anything, I'm going to get my tea and work some Sudoku to distract myself.

Bright Line Eating:week 5 in review

Down another 1.2 pounds this morning, for a total of 8.6 pounds lost in five weeks. I took it easy today, I think we all did having worn ourselves out yesterday. Looking back over the last week I know there were a few times I struggled, some cake was eaten, and I was probably short a little on veggies and water. But overall I was more consistent, and did better planning than I had done before .

Today was nice. Breakfast was cooked grains, banana and sausage. Lunch was light cream cheese on triscuits, canned green beans, and a pink lady apple. Dinner was best; veggies sauteed in sesame oil, with pork sirloin and rice with Tamari sauce. So delicious. I know I may regret it later but I'm full and have a kitchen to clean and I'm skipping the salad tonight. The 'maintenance' portions of grain at lunch and dinner probably have something to do with this, and I'm going to try to keep those servings to just a few days each week and not all of the time. It's fun to lose weight, and I'm fine with how it's going so far, but I have chatter going on in my head telling myself I could be doing better.

My trip for groceries was better thought out, and I have black bean burgers in the freezer along with some turkey sausages. The fridge is stocked with mushrooms, peppers & spinach, small heads of romaine and green onions, carrots, snap peas and celery.

I have four breakfasts packed in the fridge and ready to go, and I'm looking forward to another week of Bright Line Eating.

There is a small insistent child who wants to see paw patrol on this computer, and I am a push over.

Birthday Cake

What a good day. We worked all day to set up balloons and decorations, arrange the fire pit, plant flowers, and clean house. By the time guests arrived everything was perfect. I can still hear them in the backyard, A finally opening presents next to the dwindling fire. I am tired, but currently enjoying a tiny buzz from the birthday cake. I had told A I would wait to decide if I was going to have any, and she never questioned it after I said I wasn't eating sugar on a daily basis anymore.

The day started well; I microwaved a portion of leftover chili rice, then sauteed it for a bit. Pushing everything to the side of the pan, I melted a bit of butter in the middle and cracked my two eggs. Once it looked ready I loosened and flipped the whole mess. The egg whites had seeped under the rice binding it all together, and the underside had become a golden crisp disc. Once I felt the whites were all cooked I slid it out into my bowl and mixed it up to distribute the yolk. It was so good! I had forgotten this was the rice with jack cheese in it. So there was a bit of a fired cheese flair to the dish. YUM.

Lunch was leftover asparagus, left over tri-tip, and a celery stick with peanut butter. The asparagus hadn't reached 6oz so I added the celery. The tri-tip was only 3.5 oz so I added the PB. Perfect. My fruit was a persimmon. Then it was back to work on the house.

Dinner was minestrone soup. This time I exerted my patience and pulled out the macaroni and sausage slices. The noodles went in the green waste and I weighed the sausage, adding the left over slices I had cooked up after making the minestrone recipe, I made sure I had all 4 oz.

I helped here and there during the party, but mostly hid out until it was time for cake. I helped sing the song, and after watching R slice up portions I decided I would have some of her birthday ice cream cake.. Chocolate cake with mint ice cream, and teeny tiny chocolate m&m type candies sprinkled everywhere over whipped cream. The perfect cake for A. The piece I cut was maybe half an inch by one inch by 2.5 inches. Small, but R reminded me I didn't want to feel awful after so long without sugar. She was right, and it was enough. I got a tiny buzz and did some dishes.

Later when the girls were making their S'mores I didn't indulge. And when they were done I packed everything away in the cupboard. I really am an out of sight out of mind eater. Sometimes a bad memory comes in handy! I may know right now that there are thin pb cups, Hershey's bars and graham crackers in the kitchen, but by Monday I will have forgotten.

I weigh tomorrow morning. I hope I have lost another pound. I am feeling different, and my tops are looser. The girls at worked asked me this week how much I had lost because I didn't look puffy anymore. Two of the three are being more conscientious about what they eat, and I enjoy the support. I know some are not so lucky with their office environment, but I have a good crew.

So a bright line broken on purpose. Part science experiment, part rebellion as I will weigh in the morning, and part wanting to participate. None of my motivation was really about wanting the cake. That being said, of course it was about the cake. I am too silly. For now it was enough, and I have no desire for more. I plan to eat my three bright line meals tomorrow, and continue thus until I am in my regular sized body. How I love that expression. Not thin or skinny, but right sized.

Time for herbal tea (I'm finally not missing my evening honey) and go sit a bit by the embers.

Bright Line Eating: back on track

The past two mornings I drank my coffee on the way to work, and once there waited until I was hungry before eating breakfast; around ten am. This pushed lunch out to about two pm, which mean t I wasn't crawling out of my skin hungry for the drive home. Two days of eating what I planned, and sticking to my bright lines, and the chatter that had started clogging up my brainwaves has gone.

Breakfast both days was cooked grains, nuts & yogurt, blueberries. I have one more of these prepacked containers in the fridge.  Lunch yesterday was left over Italian meatball soup over green beans, and today was left over minestrone soup and a persimmon. AND I just realized there was macaroni in the minestrone. I picked it out last night, but it was mostly dissolved in my leftover bowl and at lunch today I didn't bother. I don't think it was enough to trigger anything, and I'm not going to worry about it.  I had prepared the soup last night per A's request for her birthday dinner, and it was delicious. Next time I will cook the pasta separately and pull some soup out for me before adding it to the pot for the family. Have I mentioned recently how much I love the instant pot? Lets see, so that was dinner last night, and tonight was a large chopped salad (14oz) with lots of celery and cauliflower. Oil and vinegar for my fat, 1oz parmesan and 3oz sliiced sausage for the protein. I love a big crunchy salad with savory bites that takes me a long time to eat.

Break for the British Baking Show finale.

Tomorrow will be a busy day getting ready for the party, with decorations galore to set up  and housekeeping chores. I like busy days that don't leave time for dwelling on anything. Then Sunday I plan to do some meal prep as usual. I'm thinking ground turkey meatballs to last a few meals, and some red lentil pasta to make some mac n cheese. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'll do some googling and get a list of ingredients ready.

I've been listening to Bright Line Eating again, and I want to go back and make some notes. Small things I overlooked the first time that seem very important now. I want to record them in my journal so I can review them regularly. Somewhere I forgot that it's the sum of all the parts that makes this effective in healing the brain. The most important part to me is getting rid of the addiction, but hand in hand with the food plan are the learned behaviors that need to be addressed and I won't be able to ignore that for too much longer.

In the meantime, I need to remember that it's okay to be tired, and to respect the process my poor body is going through as the fat releases toxins and my metabolism changes. I was once a very patient person. I need to tap back into that, and keep respecting myself and the Bright Lines that I hope will change my life.

Another day, Human style

The kids brought in chicken terriyaki for dinner a couple of nights ago. I had saved the leftover veggies and rice, and tonight I pulled them out for dinner. I eyeballed the veggies as I didn't want to dirty another dish, but did weigh out the rice to 4oz. I heated them up then spooned over the meat marinara sauce that M had made for their dinner tonight. (They will have theirs over noodles.) With some Parmesan cheese and fresh ground pepper it made a delightful, well rounded, dinner. I know it was light on protein, but that was intentional.

Because it was another screwed up day! No surprise here, it seems to be the recent theme.  R had already made real coffee by the time I was ready to rise, so I opted to drive through McD's for my decaf. I never cooked my grains yesterday, and wanted to get to work early and make up for some time lost yesterday. But I was hungry when I got coffee so ordered hash browns too.

The ingredients are disgusting for something that should be simple and wholesome.

Hash Browns

Ingredients: Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (canola Oil, Soybean Oil, Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Natural Beef Flavor [wheat And Milk Derivatives]*), Salt, Corn Flour, Dehydrated Potato, Dextrose, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate (maintain Color), Extractives Of Black Pepper. *natural Beef Flavor Contains Hydrolyzed Wheat And Hydrolyzed Milk As Starting Ingredients

AND, besides having wheat and sugar in them, they contain hydrogenated soy bean oil, another no no. So no more! It's not an acceptable option anymore. If I can't take the time to make potatoes at home, then too bad for me. Along with my banana I was full ad thought it would be okay even without a serving of protein.

So on with the day. By ten am I was starving, and headed to Sprouts as planned.  They didn't have the meatball soup I wanted, so instead I picked up a chopped salad, some canned green beans, a Farro packet with mushrooms, and some chicken stock that was on sale. I also bought some egg bites to keep in the fridge at work for breakfast another day.

So I ate lunch before 11am, and by 3 I was starving again. Of course. So I decided it would be better to eat the egg bites than to succumb to a drive through or arrive home too hungry and without a clear plan in mind for dinner. I counted one as protein from breakfast and one towards dinner.

And all of that was a round about way of explaining why I wasn't concerned about my protein at dinner; I'd already eaten it. And while I don't feel good about not 'being on plan' I also have to recognize that it wasn't horrible. I ate cooked and fresh veg, all totaled up I had enough protein, and starch instead of grain. Oh, and there was watermelon with lunch so I had my two fruits.

A quick word about marinara. IMHO I think that as long as it's 'clean', no sugar, organic, I don't worry about measuring it. Having a reasonable serving of whatever you are covering keeps the quantity down naturally. 

Time to go, birthday decorations have exploded all over my bed!

Triscuits may not be safe yet

Today was just frustrating. I had an early dentist appt. and planned to head out to work afterwards. Instead there was a delay at the dentist and my hour appt. took three. So I worked half a day from home instead of commuting to work, which isn't bad, but I never get enough done here.

Breakfast was sausage, triscuits and grapes. Lunch was bean soup that I wasn't crazy about so didn't finish; instead opting for a small handful of pepperoni and six more triscuits and an apple. Then dinner also didn't turn out well (butternut squash noodles) so halfway through my plate I tossed the rest. The kids had made french fries for dinner and I grabbed a handful of them to fill up.

WHAT A NUTRITIOUS DAY!!!

I know I will have swollen hands in the morning too; a just punishment I think.

But C and I had some good snuggles this afternoon, and now he and A are scaring each other and screaming - good heavens but they have some lung power. While I would never want to be that young again, I do envy them their energy. It's only 7:25 and I'm ready for bed. It's only the second day after gaining an hour, so I'm going with that for my excuse - it's really 8:25.

Tomorrow is another chance to do better. I'll have oatmeal, PB & banana for breakfast and then hit Sprouts to get lunch and more salad fixings for dinner and another roast chicken; that worked well last week.

I'm out.

Bright Lines: week 4 in review

Down another pound for a total of 7.5 over four weeks. I'm sitting down to write in the middle of the afternoon because I am hungry. I'm guessing because normally I eat a heavier lunch, and today I am trying to follow the plan more closely.  Sunday morning breakfast was potatoes, sausage and grapes. Then lunch was a quick stoup using up leftover veggies from the fridge (carrots, peas, corn, mushrooms) added to sauteed onions and mico greens. Chicken stock and 4oz of turkey simmered until hot with poultry seasonings then finished with pink sea salt (I know, salt is salt - it all scours our insides equally) and fresh ground pepper. So good, and I was full and satisfied after my big bowl. But here it is two hours later and my stomach is grumbling. I did forget to eat my apple and I think it's making all the difference. So sparkling tangerine water and keeping busy will have to hold me until dinner.

We are still working on the back yard. I finished the planters, A planted small pots with little white flowers, and R cleaned out the corner of the brick patio for the BBQ then gave everything a hosing off. I cleaned out the bird bath and filled it with fresh water (really I think more squirrels use it than birds) and pruned back the miniature pomegranate shrubs. With the tent put away and all of our hard work it's looking spacious and lovely out there; ready for the girls to sit around the fire pit and roast marshmallows.

I never did finish my inside chores yesterday, and will tackle that as soon as the recent dose of ibuprofen kicks in.  I had been complaining to R that I expected to have more energy by now, and she reminded me that I use to take a nap every day. Either right after work or on weekend afternoons. Instead now I come home from work and spend time with C; the minute I walk through the door he says, "It's Grama!" and we head for my room to play legos or watch paw patrol. And here I am Sunday afternoon realizing I didn't take a nap yesterday and here I am getting ready to do more instead of laying down to check out. So there has been a change for the better, and I just wasn't looking from the right perspective.

I'm just rambling now, but I think I spent enough time over the past couple of days reviewing the week, and can't think of anything to add. I'm just glad another pound is lost, glad I'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning to get working on finishing this bridge, and glad to be feeling better in general.  It's hard to make good decisions while you are stressed and\or in pain, so really for me it's somewhat of a miracle I have kept losing weight over the past month.

Dinner will be the last container of bean soup and sausage, salad, and my fruit from lunch. Once the kids are done in the kitchen I'll cook my grains, but I'm not making a batch of soup today. Instead I'll make fresh stoups for dinner, or tryout some recipes. I have some red lentil pasta in the cupboard that I think will make a nice little mac n cheese side to have with a bunch of steamed broccoli one evening, and if it's good there may be a second night of that over steamed cauliflower.

So onward to the next week of keeping Bright Lines between me and flour, sugar and snacks. So far I would have to say it's working - even when not done perfectly.

True Confessions

Taking a break from Saturday chores, and reviewing the Bright Line Eating plan that my Sis sent and I realize I have been doing this wrong. Not horrible wrong, but not on point. So for now I am going to start doing things a little differently. I've written the guidelines for each meal in my paper journal, and I"ll be referencing that each night when I plan my food for the next day. How I have managed to go almost a month just winging it is beyond me. But I am counting it as a transition period, and  I got the important part right - no flour no sugar.

Speaking of which, there is a day I didn't write. I was up prowling in the kitchen, probably in the wee hours of the morning. C had woken me up crying - no excuse just how I woke up - I knew there were cookies for the taking in the kitchen. So I got up and took one. And ate it in bed. I guess I broke all three bright lines that night. I had pushed this to the back of my mind, determined to forget it I think. But it came back to me in a flash in the kitchen today, and the need to confess drove me here, to the place I think, to contemplate why I didn't write about it when it happened. And why I was hiding it. Why is the need to appear better than I really am so strong? Why am I not enough just as I am?

I know I am wonderful in some ways. I know I have been a failure in others. And coming to grips with that has been no easy thing, and there is still much angst involved in not being perfect, or even close.  Bottom line for here and now, I will be more honest with myself; otherwise, what is the point?

So far today:  (b) rice cakes, one with deviled egg and one with PB, 6oz grapes  (l) 10oz salad, 1oz pepitas, 2.5 oz tri-tip, .5oz cheese, oil & vinegar dressing. A pink lady apple. So basically I have already had my two fats for the day, and need 10 more ounces of veg. with dinner. Having two salads a day, both with dressing (that I'm not measuring) isn't even on the maintenance program. My bad.

I think of all the leftover meatloaf and potatoes I've eaten in the past week and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. I did weigh them, keeping portions to 4oz, but I wonder when I started to stray from plan. Not that I really knew what the exact plan was, just going from hints in the book and online as to what I should be eating. But now I know, and will do a better job of keeping with the program. Because as much as I go on about healing my brain, the bottom line is that I want to lose weight. I want to feel athletic. I want to stop taking prescription drugs. And I want to wear cute jeans.

So many things I want, so many things I've wanted for so long. Please let this be real. Please let this change me for the better.

Heading outside to plant some Fall flowers.

Working in the backyard on a beautiful Fall day was wonderful. Except I tired out so quickly, and the rest of the planting will have to wait until tomorrow. But I got the lettuces in, and the raised beds prepped for flowers, and I watered the thirsty looking privet trees and helped clean up a bit. We are prepping for A's birthday party next weekend, and she wants S'Mores for dessert. So that means a fire pit and twinkle lights in the trees.

R made soup for dinner, with kale, potatoes, onions, and sausage then some cream to finish. The sausage was spicy so the soup was rich and warm. I added fresh asparagus for my veg. and called it a day.

I picked up some roasted turkey at the store earlier today and will use the rest of the asparagus to make stoup tomorrow. I plan on cooking another batch of my wild grain cereal mix so it's ready for weekday breakfasts next week, and prepping a tub of .salad so it's ready to go for dinners. I'm not sure what all of my lunches are going to look like yet. I know I want to make garbanzo bean lettuce boats for a couple of days, and maybe soup from the deli. I'll have to think about it some more tomorrow.  I want to go back to how I ate veggies while eating for nutrition, and weighing out 2 pounds of veg in the morning. Then some is for salad and the rest is for cooking. That was my plan in the beginning so I'm not sure what happened.

I'm glad we gain an hour tomorrow, It will be nice to sleep in and still be up at a reasonable hour.

I don't like the chatter that is happening in my head. I don't like that I will weigh myself in the morning and let what I see dictate how I feel about myself. No matter what happens, I know I am looking forward to keeping to my Bright Lines for awhile longer. Through winter anyways, and probably a year at the least. But  this is all based on a 12 step program, and true to the nature of that beast I think taking this a day at a time is the right idea.

Voyager has ended, again, and I am off to watch Next Generation and make notes for meal planning.

Plan to succeed and all that.

Loving the Rice

My love affair with bread is probably well documented. I grew up in a household that had access to a bakery all Summer, and fresh bread was always available. I loved the trips to the grocery store, and getting to pick out a treat from the pastry case, but it was the bread for sandwiches, french toast, bread and butter, and toast and jam that was the real prize. Specifically Sheepherders bread. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water, and I can almost feel how soft it is and how delicious it smells. And the Rye...Sigh. It feels like this is in my genes, this attraction to bread, and if addiction is partially hereditary as scientific studies are showing us, then I come by it honestly.

So my first reaction to Bright Line Eating was a flat no. But even knowing up front that the punch line was going to be no flour & no sugar, I was willing to try. So many of us are in the same boat, desperate for something to work, and ready to jump on the wagon no matter how crazy it may sound. And no bread sounded crazy to me, especially since there are so many options that we think of as more healthy than what was available five and ten years ago; Crazy Dave's instead of Wonder, Sprouted wheat instead of Home Pride. Whole grains and seeds everywhere. But as I mentioned, desperate and ready to try yet one more things to break free of this endless eating, or rarely feeling satisfied no matter how delicious a meal may have been, always ready to eat an hour afterwards. I just wanted it to stop. And I still do.

But it's been almost four weeks, and while the thought of bread is still seductive, I am not missing it as much as I thought I would. I have had triscuits, barley, puffed wild rice cakes, and both white and brown rice either as a side or in soup and it's all very satisfying. And I've barely grazed the ocean of possibilities rice and other whole grains present in this new world of flour addiction.

Today after work I cooked some brown rice in the instant pot, then mixed in a can of diced green chilies, a couple of big handfuls of shredded jack cheese, and chicken stock. I preheated a cast iron pan with a little avocado oil, then tossed the mixture into the pan and threw it in the oven for half an hour. So maybe it was more like stirred and placed, but the result was a crispy crust and flavorful rice that was very satisfying. I had a serving for dinner and packed up baggies of 4oz each for the freezer.  I am looking forward to having eggs over easy on top of one of those portions - yum.  I did that once when I was out of bread and there was left over fried rice in the fridge; it was so delicious I do it on purpose sometimes.

I know there is bread out there I can have, and I know from experience that the Ezekial 4:9 makes excellent grilled cheese sandwiches. But I don't trust myself to have it in the house yet. I don't want to be around the temptation. I imagine buying some with good intentions, and then caving to the temptation to grab some bread and butter in the middle of the night. So I am waiting on that - no bread yet.

Today went well, except I didn't have the will to make a salad tonight and I will regret it when I am hungry later.

(b) cooked oatmeal, PB, banana
(l) chopped salad, pink lady apple
(d) roast chicken, rice, corn on the cob, green grapes (they are really good this year)

Evenings are getting easier. I still miss honey in my last cup of tea for the day - it has been a little treat for so long - and eventually I may do that again. But not now. Sugar is sugar.  And I can be watching tv at ten or so at night and feel hungry and it's okay. I know I'm not going to die if I don't eat anything, and I keep water by my bed and hydrating makes the physical feeling dissipate. But really it's the thought that I am healing my brain that keeps me going, that it isn't about deprivation, it's about healing. It's not about being on a diet, it's about getting better.

I've written many times about the athlete that lives inside of me. I just really want to see if she is still there. If I could take up archery again after I retire from computer work it would be a dream come true.