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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Tired and Rambling

I sat down to bitch a little about work, but I don't want to go there - I don't want to be that person. I want to let it go, and enjoy my time here at home with the family. I want to putter a little and make another little dent in my nest. In a couple of weeks I will be leaving to visit my Mom and I want my room to rise up and greet me when I get home (Oprah).

So I think some meds are in order, then some sorting and filing. I should be able to clean off my dresser without too much angst, there is not really much left to do there which is probably why I keep ignoring it. And I could unload the dishwasher that I ran through last night. Dog, I hate having to talk myself into housework. When I win the lottery...but then you have to play to win and I seldom do that. So it's off to do my chores. How I wish I could be enlightened enough to always find pleasure in the simple things, at least a little more often than I do now anyways. But once the meds kick in I will be fine, or at least as fine as I am capable of getting on this particular day and time!

In the meantime I will remember how lucky I am to be able to do this work, that I have a cozy little house to take care of, and that I have a job and can make the mortgage payments. So it's not the life I dreamed of, but it is one in which I can find love and simple pleasures, and it's not over yet. I can keep learning about hope and making dreams come true.

Thoughts are things, so have good thoughts. And hug a kid, that is awesome therapy.

Shooting for Friday

There is finally tracking info on my Orenda order; product has been shipped!

Hopefully it will arrive Thursday in time for me to be organized enough to start on Friday. This means weighing in and taking a picture; two things I am not super excited about recording for posterity - the way I look and the equally scary number on the scale. But I need to track my progress if I am going to also make this a business venture,and I must prepare for the best case scenario; me losing weight and feeling great and sharing the program with others who. like me, struggle to feel better and lets not forget, look better too.

Yikes, farewell drinks are on the afterwork agenda and my hair needs some attention. Time does fly while I type! 

Monday, April 29, 2013

Orenda bound

Too late to crawl back into bed, too early to sit here in the chill of a dark spring morning and feel glad to be up and about. And since the chattering of my feathered friends is more irksome than birdsong I would hazard a guess that my mood remains somewhat diminished. No reason, it was a nice weekend, light on the side of accomplishment with a nice chunk of relaxation thrown in yesterday afternoon.

But I am...sort of ancy. There is a feeling of expectation that has me a little confused after years of, hmmm, complacency?  It may have to do with my Orenda order and the 100 days that is fast approaching. I haven't written much about my anti aging and wellness business as it evaporated after Joey's death; one has to actually speak with people to run a business you know. So perhaps this is the core of my unrest. Impending change.

This could go one of two ways. One, I could use the products only to fail, be disappointed in myself for yet again buying into a weight loss program,  and swear off ever doing something so foolish again - my brain knows this is a billion dollar industry and I may be grasping at a will-o-the-wisp solution. Or two, this could be the beginning of my retirement career and my life will be forever changed. I am opting for the later outcome of course, who on earth wants to fail. Which is an interesting question because I sometimes wonder if that is my natural disposition, failing. It is after all a much easier and lazier path to amble down. Success is much more demanding and I wonder if I am up for the task. I am, however, ready to find out.

There is still no tracking info on my CleanBurnShape order, but I know they were expecting product in to ship out this week so I am hopeful it will be soon. Lets see, 100 days from May 1st is...August 9th. (Nifty little calculator) I would so love to be wearing smaller jeans again come the Autumn. Lord knows there are enough of them boxed and bagged in the garage. My array of sizes is a constant source of embarrassment seasoned with bitterness. Three years ago I was writing about fitting into smaller jeans; who knew I would be right back here again. Well, statistics did. But I do know how to eat (Eat food, mostly plants, not too much - per Michael Pollan) and just need a little motivation and direction to get back on track now that I have taken this initial drastic step to change my life (Ref: The Rift). It is important to me that the Orenda products I ordered are vegetarian, not based on soy, and are from a company I respect. Nutrition remains my focus when it comes to eating, with some decadence throw in for balance, and I love what I have read about this new program, obviously, or I wouldn't have ordered it. I am trusting that they are still a cutting edge biotechnology company and I expect great things from them, just as I have experienced from Orenda in the past.

And as I suspected, I feel better already just voicing my concern. Hopefully there will be shipping information posted later today and shortly thereafter I will be off and running. Or walking which is better I think. 

And a little voice is chanting a mantra inside, let this be real, let this be real, let this be real. I am ready for a new start, a successful venture, and a healthier stronger me emerging as a consequence.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Slowing down

Woke up this morning wondering why yesterday afternoon was so difficult. While I did get my soup made and do a little more reorganizing, I couldn't stay focused and it was minimal. I think maybe the pain level is finally affecting me. While all of the extra movement seems to be good for me in some ways it has also aggravated everything; constant pain is a mood killer. I dread telling the Dr. about the new nerve twinges, as if telling someone makes it more real somehow. I think validation is the word I mean, something may exist but until it's validated it doesn't become solid. Sheldon from Big Bang Theory would know how to explain what I mean. 

On the flip side, it's a beautiful cool morning here. The sounds of birds filtering through my open window are lovely. I would like to go walk but ... the idea of more pain is a little intimidating. I wish I had a better understanding of what is wrong and how to fix it; I think that part of my stable mood of late is that the anti anxiety pills are working to strip away the frustration I normally feel about my health and dampening the resulting mood swings. Maybe, it's just a layman's idea - because I have no faith that the Dr. really knows what's going on. I am tempted to cancel my health insurance and spend the dollars on alternate resources. Damn, this paragraph was intended to digress from whining and I am right back here again.

Change your thoughts and change your day, your year, your life. I will get better, I will recover from these injuries, I will be strong and healthy again before I am too old to enjoy  it.

I think I will take a break from the garage today and putter in my room, I think a little organization here will go a long way towards improving my mood. And a green smoothie, I need a tall glass of nutrition to break my fast and start the day on a positive note. Great, I have a plan - now to wake up and enact it.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Vegan Banana Coffee Cake

The coffee cake this morning was wonderful; a warm banana center with a crispy cinnamon top, hints of maple and coconut for a luxurious depth of yumminess - and seasoned with the luxury of starting a Saturday morning slow and homey. We didn't have any soy in the house so R subbed in some coconut cream - so delicious! No agave? Pour in the maple syrup! I am so thankful she is a baker - and a good one at that.

Then out to the driveway to fill yet another recycling bin of stuff that wasn't mine. Once again I thank heaven for the company of a good audio book - and yes, the nephilim are still battling the demons.

I plan on cleaning out the fridge today and making a yummy 'catch all' veggie soup for my lunches next week. And roasting off some kale leaves into chips for a snack this afternoon because no matter how warm it gets the kale needs to be eaten today! Okay, so maybe an after dinner snack. 

And clearing another spot in the garage; we have two dressers in the driveway that need to fit in somewhere. It just so happens I am still in the mood to downsize and I know just which spot to work on in the garage. So yes, the plan is to stay busy and on my feet. Rumour has it there may even be a walk in store for the pooches today, I'm thinking this evening once it begins to cool off because the little weather square on my screen says 84 today and 91 by Monday and I can't face the exercise in those temps. This is still April isn't it? I wish it would stay at 80 for a bit - what's the saying, if wishes were horses beggars would ride?

A busy day without a pressing agenda is a gift I am willing to unwrap.

Friday, April 26, 2013


The pace has been so frantic for the past month I find myself at somewhat of a loss this Friday afternoon. A is outside with her Daddy instead of bugging me to play, R isn't home yet, and I am done with the office for the week. I wonder what this weekend will bring, what will be different now that we are not driven past what we can normally bear.

Has any one of us changed, been forged into a better version of ourselves, or been chipped away at until we are less than we once were? Little Kaylee has been more aggressive than usual and louder than ever; is she the alpha dog of the pack?

I am too tired to stress or worry about the mechanics or dynamics of our new family grouping. It is nice to vent a little at the end of the day to someone who understands, but I don't want it to become a habit; I don't want to dwell on anything negative. I want to fix everything (which I know I have no hope of doing) so that it's smooth sailing through the rest of Spring and straight on through the holidays. I have a feeling the only calm to be found will be at my center so that is where I need to put my energies. the meantime the dishwasher needs unloading and I need to stay off my bum for a few hours; isn't that a handy coincidence.

Hair up, ear buds in, and I'm off to the kitchen. Damn housework. Where is my margarita and my foot  massage???

Progress Report

Managed to stack two more piles down by the curb after work yesterday, one for trash pick up and one for donation. Plus most of the rest of the driveway chaos has been relegated to either the garage or the back yard. And best of all M has returned to finish up.

It will be interesting to see how the added testosterone will change the dynamics of the house. I know we can make this work; how? It's a mystery, we just will - to sort of quote one of my favorite movies, Shakespeare in Love.

I'm in a lot of pain, both in my usual shoulder area and my left achilles area, and I've somehow compromised the nerve cluster again in my chest\shoulder area so I'm trying to not whine about it too much. I hate feeling that I have failed my body, this amazing machine I was born into deserves better. I hope it's not too late to fix it because I have a bow or two in the garage singing a siren song. It's the spring weather - I ought to be out hiking and shooting. Big Sigh.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Ta Da!

I am sitting in the capris that I couldn't button a month ago. I didn't diet, I didn't go to the gym, I didn't give up junk food. I just moved after work instead of sitting on the couch. But now I want more, and I have ordered the new Orenda products to help me on my way. Only because it's Orenda and I have trusted them with my health for ten years now. Very excited and more later.

Update:  Left work after half a day, went and had the great massage I missed Saturday cuz we were working our asses off, came home and drank lots of water, changed into my grubs and hit the backyard running. I intend to keep moving each day after work with no more collapsing on the couch. The way I see it Miss A won't let me do that anyway so I might as well captain my own ship before she hijacks me. She needs a T-shirt that says in a very sarcastic manner, "Pirate!"

Anyway, here is the video on the CleanBurnShape program I ordered from Orenda. They are a great company, based in the science of supporting the amazing bodies we live in, and as I said I'm excited to get started.

But for now I am sweaty with grass sticking to my ankles and I need to jump in the shower before the girls get home. Then I will login and check the tracking on my order :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A nice normal day

After work I walked over to my friend P's house, who also happens to be A's daycare provider, and one of her clients was there with her new 3 month old daughter. "Would you like her?", she asked. I suppose there was a little bit of longing on my face, I am a sucker for babies. I sat holding her and stroking her little feet and hands, so soft and new and fresh. She held on to my finger tightly as I gently rocked her on my lap and chatted away with the other grown ups. "Hey", the baby's Mom said, "we found a baby whisperer." Apparently the little one had been fussing before I picked her up, but I never saw it. She was smiling and calm and happy; holding a baby is the perfect way to unwind after a day at work - well, as long as you can hand it back to the Mom anyway. Maybe she felt I needed her and was just happy to oblige, but for a moment I felt special and capable.

Earlier in the day as I was shopping at lunch for odds and ends we needed at the house, TP and pickles - the usual staples- I realized I was feeling light, and hopeful. Those two have been strangers for a while now, and I was surprised by the visit. It was encouraging after the week I've had, and hopefully a sign of things to come.

Not much progress was made around the house today (how's that for a passive voice!) but I did make roasted vegetable soup for dinner - tomatoes, onions & peppers (oh my). Blended up with some fresh basil it was very nice. 

Time to go; I picked up a bag of Cracker Jacks at the store this afternoon and I am bringing them with me to the couch for my date with Castle.

Then and Now

We had some hard moments, one was finding these old pictures, and realizing the boys in their picture were both gone. 'What happened?', I asked her as we both stood weeping. 'Life happened', said my wise daughter, 'life is hard'.

But the girls on the right are finding their muchness, and we will persevere; there is a four year old to love and raise.

Looming Projects

Now that we are finished at the rental, there is another list to tackle; organizing this house so we all fit and feel comfortable and at home. But first I am reflecting this morning on how proud I am of the work we accomplished, and especially proud of the efforts put forth by my daughter. She has left her rental 'move in ready' for the next tenant - even going so far as to wash the kitchen ceiling last night after another challenging day of scrubbing and painting (she doubts she has any fingerprints left.) I had to leave her half way through to put in some work at the office, and when I returned there was very little left to do. Our cars are still full of the last loads. It was clear neither one of us was willing or able to unload last night - it can wait until after work today.

And what a disaster the driveway here is! Talk about stuff coming out of our ears. At least now we can slow down the pace a little and sort and organize and downsize and save just those things we really want and use and appreciate. Thank heavens M will be home later this week, he will have quite the honey do list from R and me.

But I think we are determined to keep at it until it is done; R and I both want things running smoothly as much as possible at home, and I think we will encourage each other towards that end and remind each other of our goals so that we keep moving forward. The big goal now is to have her birthday party here in September, so the yard needs to be done by then. But first the garage and driveway, a ton of laundry to do and donations to be made. Which reminds me I need to call today and arrange for another special trash pickup this week; it's great we get three free pick ups each year - I think I'll use them all this month!

Whoops, there go the sprinklers. That means I have ten minutes to pick out clothes to wear, make my bed, and get my sore, tired, filthy self into the shower. Yes, I went to bed dirty, too tired to even rinse off before stumbling into bed last night. I am so looking forward to sliding into clean sheets this weekend!

Did I mention I was proud of us?

Sunday, April 21, 2013


And here I thought the hardest day was yesterday. But today we had the aches and pains and sheer unrelenting tiredness from yesterday to deal with combined with the looming deadline and tasks yet undone. I finished packing up the garage while R ran to the store for supplies and then later we swept up what was left on the garage floor; I packed most of the kitchen while R patched and painted throughout the house; we loaded up and I came home to - in this order - gulp some pills, open a beer, feed the animals and ice my back (A was a great little helper, it's so great we work well together.)

R arrived home with bags from Der Wienerschnitzel shortly thereafter and we had a junk food feast together at the dining room table.

Short stuff is in the shower under her mother's close supervision while I type a hasty note. Next for me, a hot shower. But first I had to investigate the suspicious rustling from the dining room where I found that the little dachshund had stolen the bag of leftovers off the table and was trying to get to the few remaining chili cheese fries. The puggles either made a clean get away before I arrived on the scene of the crime or they were having no part of her insubordination; we will never know. Note to self: push in chairs when leaving the table or there will be marauding afoot!

As I listen to the the combination of singing and groaning that is accompanying the exit of a four year old from the shower, I head off for my turn at the hot water.

What a day. One more to go. I hope. If we have to go back Tuesday for last minute things I'm okay with that. Hauling the debris that is left to the dump tomorrow is, I believe, the last hard task on what was once a very long and intimidating honey-do list.

Almost there. We can do this. We are, in fact, doing this - or getting it done - whatever.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

I'm too old for this shit

Excuse my French and all that but today was a challenge. One we met successfully I will admit with a little pride, though I am hobbling rather badly this evening and can hardly wait until it's late enough to go to bed. I believe this was the hardest day of the whole moving extraveganza yet - formerly referred to as Two Women and  a Truck. But the bulk of R's household is now either here or in storage, and while she has a ton of sorting and laundry to do my participation will be relegated to minding A. Just a dump run or two tomorrow, plus a wall hole to patch and some spackling to sand and paint. Then final clean up on Monday. We are on the schedule we planned so far - thanks to some help from some great friends. One watched A and the other repaired the broken window leaving us to load and unload the truck a couple of times. We rocked it! Big hugs to A & J and a high five to R for a job well done.

A cold bottle of beer, two acetaminophen,  four ibuprofen and a soak in the hot tub were most beneficial to both my mind and body - but I have to say I am dreading my normal nocturnal stroll to the privy tonight.  My dogs are already barking and I know everything will be stiff after sleeping a few hours. I am thankful the bathroom is only a few steps away and that I have a cozy comfortable bed to crash in.

Who knew that I was the stable one? I will have been in this house 30 years this coming June. I've had one semi vacation to a destination that wasn't to visit family, lots of long archery weekends which I adored and hope to have again one day, and part of one summer in Hawaii staying with first one relative of a good friend and then another. A very modest travel brochure, but more than some could ever dream of. 

I have always been easy to please, which is one of the reasons why the past few years have been such a struggle. I was at the point where nothing pleased me anymore, nor could I manage to please anyone else. Everything was complicated and nothing was easy and relaxed and natural.

I can hardly wait for Monday to be over when I can start working towards a new normal.

Smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, beer for dinner. Works for me.

Friday, April 19, 2013

What in the world?

This is so cracking me up, are you getting to my blog by mistake or on purpose? I would love to know :) 

Have drill will travel

Today I took apart the 2nd four poster bed frame in a two week period. I also mostly disassembled a day bed and a desk (ok, that one doesn't count it was four screws to take the glass top off) so we can load them on the truck tomorrow. The only piece of furniture I am dreading moving is the end of the couch that is heavy with the kick mechanisms. We pick up the truck at 8, thank heavens we get to drop little A off with J for a couple of hours while we load the truck and big A fixes the window. We have an appliance dolly to move the dryer and anything else too heavy to lift ourselves and hopefully we can do this in two loads; one to storage and one to the garage here for sorting between garbage, donation and storage. Then we have Sunday to make a dump run if necessary and Monday to catch up the general cleaning so R gets her deposit back.

A hot shower, a cold beer, and soft PJ's and I almost feel human this glorious Friday evening. Three more days to go; I keep telling myself we can do this and in fact it is getting done. Hopefully my massage is being rescheduled for Wednesday, and my new Orenda products should arrive next week. I am so ready to shed this FAT. Good Lord how many times have I said THAT in the last ten years. And three years ago I was feeling pretty trim and sassy. Work is literally killing me!

Three more days and I will make time to take care of myself.
Three more days and I will start getting better every day.*
Three more days and I will start juicing again.

A body in motion stays in motion; I am currently a body in motion, lets see if I can stay that way.

God my feet are sore.

* I am already doing this, I've lost about 5 #'s just from moving more in April :) 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Two Women & A Truck

Oh wait, that is not until Saturday. We lost a worker so it will most likely be just us to take the furniture apart tomorrow, rent a truck to load up everything that is left in the house on Saturday and take it to unload at storage, and then do any patching and cleaning that's left on Sunday. That is the current plan. Sadly I had to cancel my Saturday massage, but I can do that later next week. I wonder if we can get a sitter for A on Saturday, that would be a big help; four year olds have much energy and are willing to help but are also a trip hazard waiting to happen!

All week we have worked, then come home to go work some more. As her garage empties out mine fills back up. H is coming to remove another load of his things and we will quickly fill up that space this weekend. Garages are like your life - make room and the universe will fill it up as quick as you can say jack robinson.

Thought for the day; 8 hours to sleep, 8 to work, and 8 to stay busy on my feet. This couch potato is taking a walk on the dark side.

I'm going to put my hair up, twist my ear bud wires around my bun, and take a hot shower while listening to the Nephilim battle demons. A fitting end to another busy day.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Karma Bound

Grimey Hands ... again. Another day, another hour of working in the garage, another car load between houses. It will be a shower night again, but that was not my thought as I sat down to write.

If you are doing a good deed, and you think, "Hey, I must really be racking up the Karma points", does that thought in and of itself negate the Karma points that would have otherwise been accumulated? Or is it only when you think, "Hey, I'll do that because it will earn me some good Karma!" that you lose ground. Or does it matter? Is the act enough and the thoughts don't count one way or another?

I think that is how it works with bad Karma; I can think all of the horrible thoughts I want as long as I don't act on them, thereby NOT collecting bad karma. Not that I would do that, I think positive thoughts contribute to the well being of the earth and all on it. But the little nasties do tend to creep in sometimes despite my good intentions to keep a clean and open mind. 

BUT, I wouldn't have posed the question in the first place if I didn't have my doubts, so that answers the question. No more gloating over how many Karma points I may or may not be earning, just doing what's right, trying my best, and treating others how I wish to be treated. (Thank you Lou Holtz)

Another evening of coughing up dust. I wish I had the back and the energy to work a little on my room, it's feeling a little claustrophobic. Not tonight, but soon. In the meantime it's enough to listen to the puttering of R as she makes this her home again.

Monday, April 15, 2013

1/7 of a life... spent on Monday. I will not disparage this day's good name just because I have become a Monday thru Friday worker bee. I created this schedule, laid this bed, and I will, for now, lay in it quietly.

For now.

Saturday, April 13, 2013


We made a few more of them today; the good kind, no cars were involved.  Hopefully tomorrow we will finish up inside the rental and then we can start working on the garage over there. The weather is on our side and we'll be able to put in a couple of hours each day after work next week. We are all so ready for this to be over & done with.

Today we picked up a twin bed from the neighbor across the street who is moving to Oregon. This was  for A and tonight will be her first night in a big girl bed. I can barely believe I also bought some DVD's, bringing STUFF into the house again. ARGH! But already one came in handy as we resorted to planting the four year old in front of a move while we sorted and cleaned etc ad nauseum.

I can't help but wonder if this will change how we live; I never again want to be faced with so many boxes and bags and crates and tubs overflowing with things I just might need one day. What a way to live. And I'm not even a hoarder, just a typical human who has kept more than they have tossed; all very unintentional. From sweeping out my garage this afternoon I now know where the sprayer is to treat the fence, the screen kit in case we damage one and need to replace it, and a wooden lamp that must be 100 years old if it's a day. Pretty cool, but to keep it? Maybe I should call antique road show and see what it is. But no, not going to happen.

Another long day, but better busy than bored, better a body in motion than a couch potato. Speaking of which, I did take two breaks this afternoon and watched an episode of Touch and one of Smashed. Amazing really how little TV I have watched in the past month compared to the norm - I truly was making a dent in the couch from spending so much time there in recent years.

Just thinking that makes me a little sad, but all in all I am doing okay. I still think of H more than I probably should, but given the circumstances that is understandable. I imagine he will be in my thoughts the rest of my life to some extent, or rather, I can't imagine otherwise at this point.

Making a You Turn and heading for the shower, PJ's and an early bedtime. I refuse to make room in my heart today for second thoughts to creep in.

The Good Girl

I should be panicking, I should be preparing the financials I avoided all year in order to file my taxes on time this coming Monday. I have never been late, not in 40 years. But for some reason, this once, I cannot find the will to comply with the deadline. Maybe I am tired of being the good girl. Always doing the right thing when I can determine what that actually is. Well, okay, I had my rebellious years, but even then I did better than those around me as they lied and cheated their way towards what they wanted. Drugs are a powerful incentive to lay aside ones morales and take a walk on the dark side.

But I always came back to the light, always tried to follow the rules and pull my own weight, coming to a complete stop at crosswalks, and paying my taxes on time.

Maybe exhaustion has tweaked my 'care' meter, and I have more important things to spend my time on this week than filing some paperwork. So what if I am a little late for once, they can't cook and eat me, as a friend once said to me (H). And yes, there is a very small nagging voice inside that is appalled I have left this so late, and is even now figuring out the comeback plan but NO. I will not succumb, my time is needed elsewhere. I can do  my taxes in May just this once and to the devil with the consequences. I need to focus on the job at hand.

We have a ton of work to do over at the rental, but first this morning I need to reorganize the garage so we can see how much room we have and figure how how much we can store or if we need to rent a storage unit. Plus H hasn't removed his bow collection from the rafters so I need to leave access for him; we can't just fill up the space as I had originally anticipated. 

I keep telling myself we are almost there, almost to the point we can slow down and work at our own pace instead of someone elses. We can do this.

Maybe I'll file an extension....

Friday, April 12, 2013

Clean; before or after

I've had it both ways. The jobs you have to go home and take a shower when you're done, and the ones where you clean up before you hit the office door. A couple of years ago I had two part time jobs, one of each, and while it was a difficult time for me, my body liked the diversity. In much the same way my muscles are responding to all the work I've done around the house lately. Even my massage therapist noticed my back wasn't as tight, not that a lot of my latest massage wasn't painful - there are still enough knots for her to work on when I'm out flat on the table.

I'm going to try and keep up this level of activity. It's frustrating being in pain, but if I'm in pain either way, I think I should try to stay active. Because yesterday in the garage I saw that H had been by, and left my old bow for me. Which means I have two, and we can set one up for R if she wants to shoot with me. And as I stood there handling my old friend, the longing to shoot swept through me, and following close on that rush of feeling came the renewed determination that I would shoot again, hike with my bow again, compete again. This will happen, and I need to be in shape to realize this goal. So I will stay busy and use these wonderful muscles I was born with and work towards that end.

And speaking of muscles and strength, I still have the 100 pushups chart on my bedroom door. I wonder, sitting here in the comfort of a chair typing away, what effect it might have on my back to begin that regimen. I think I should try, I'm pretty sure A would get a kick out of it and it's something we could do together. I have been putting her off so much of late, too busy with 'stuff' to spend much quality time with her. I'll have to mull this over today before deciding, because once I mention it to her it will be a done deal. Ah to have the memory of a four year old!

It's also nice showering at night again, and having time to blather away at the keyboard before getting ready for work.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A very loud interlude

There is a four year old screaming in the bathtub. I am in my bedroom with the door closed. Go figure!

It was a long busy day at work, and I am supposed to be working on my taxes by now. Instead I came home, picked up the aforementioned four year old, and we came home and made a most excellent juice.

Carrots, sweet potato, blood oranges, purple grapes & Chinese mustard. I hadn't tried this type of mustard green before and I was surprised by the HUGE leaves, one alone would cover two dinner plates, and they are wonderfully spicy. (I think I should use them to wrap up something and bake it.) The juice was great. A little too spicy for, again, the four year old, but adding a little straight apple juice to her glass fixed that right up. She drank the whole glass and asked for more.

Hmmmm...I hope there isn't a connection between the juice and the yelling, that would not be good.  I imagine she is just exhausted like the rest of us by the move, the new environment, the underlying stress. And it must be hard to be in daycare all day. It's good to hear her now, a few moments later, chatting away to her mother like nothing was ever wrong. Oh to bounce back like a child from the tortures of life! An apology, an open door, and an evening breeze and life is back to the new normal.

Tomorrow is a special pick up day and another whole pile of stuff will be gone, thank heavens. Is 7:30 too early for PJ's? I think not!            

Monday, April 8, 2013


I was thinking today about how if I could control my feelings I could control the stress (cancer) sores that seem to go hand in hand with my emotional spikes.  It's a complex idea for me because on the one hand I rather adhere to the belief that the only thing we have control over are our feelings, and on the other hand I sort of believe that if we don't let ourselves feel - well what would be the point?

So I think the question I am trying to ask in an awkward round about way is if there really is a better way to live than to teeter totter between intense emotions, and is it time to explore that possibility. Lately I keep running across the axim that goes something like - it's not what happens, it's how we react to it. Friends are posting it on Face Book, quoting it at work, posting on their blogs. but what does it mean exactly? How is behaving in a predictably vanilla manner any way to live? How is accepting horribly awful situations in a calm manner beneficial to anyone? I know I am over interpreting this, that no one is suggesting not to rise up against injustice or to behave like sheep on the way to slaughter, but there is a little of that in there.

I have tried to learn about meditation several times, but never seriously. I do visualization exercises when calming myself for sleep, and think of myself as an observer even in the most trying of times, trying not to lose sight of the bigger picture.

I am thinking about how maybe I should try staying calm and reeling in those intense reactions to see if it would be a better way to live. For years I've been say, 'oh well, it doesn't matter', because after losing a child it really did seem like nothing else matters. Love that song! It was my get out of jail free card for a long time. Not having to do anything, not having to feel, not having to socialize. Again I digress.

Bottom line - I'm tired. I want to try something new. I want to feel, and feel deeply, but I don't want to let those feelings rule my face, my health, and colour my perspective so dramatically. Maybe it's time to give meditation another try.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A Red Letter Day


How Google, this Grama, and her Granddaughter connected a new power cord to a dryer.

Since when are dryers sold without the power cord? News to us as we went shopping for a new dryer today. Once we had purchased the power cord, flexible vent and of course the dryer itself, we headed home without it. It would be days before we could schedule a free delivery and we wanted to use it tonight. R went back with the Durango and they loaded it up. When I went outside to see, it was already out of the truck and in the driveway - she is superwoman.

Thank heavens H had not moved his tools yet or I would have been at the neighbors borrowing a nut wrench. I must have read the directions that came with the power cord a half a dozen times before thinking of google. Two different times I looked up videos to help me out but I finally figured out what the strain relief was and how to mount it. But the main point of what drew me to the keyboard was the need to brag about my granddaughter telling me that her new favorite job is getting me the screwdriver. I felt like my dad for a moment standing in the driveway, realizing the tool I needed next was inside, and I asked my little help helper to go grab it for me. She did so with alacrity just as I would have at her age and just those few saved steps were such a relief as hard as it is for me to get around lately. 

Moving is hell on old people if I haven't stressed that enough yet.

Bottom line, hopefully I did it right and no one will be electrocuted for the sake of dry bedding tonight.

We are really on a roll today. Earlier we picked up some 'beading' elastic and R was able to reattach the arms to my old Betsy McCall doll ; I love how A can sit and play quietly, changing Betsy into and out of one outfit after another. I have some nice memories of playing with this same doll, trying on the same clothes made by my Mother. (I'll have to call and tell her.)

Oh, and I have bean soup bubbling away in the crockpot, and R has butternut squash cut up into fry sized pieces for dinner.      ...We so rocked this day. And yes, the dryer is hooked up and the first batch of laundry is DRY.

The Diminishment of Stuff

Already this morning I have pulled everything out of my large three drawer dresser and organized everything by size and type before storing the newly sorted stacks back by season. In the end there was one more box heading out the door. The next donation pick up is this coming wednesday and I plan to have a few more bags ready to go. Each day my room becomes a little more manageable and I am a little less afraid of something toppling over on me. Plus there is a clearer path to under the dresser where the cats are hiding from the puggles. (I did notice they were both hanging out in the living quarters last night when I made a midnight pilgrimage to the kitchen for a drink.) I am looking forward to the coming months when I am free to reorganize the garage and thin out my belongings on an even larger scale. 

On to the kitchen. R and I were able to toss many unhealthy items from the pantry while searching for something to make for breakfast; flours, sweetened coconut flakes, artificial crap. Gone gone and gone! The house is also getting a little lighter and healthier each day. We will need to make room for a snack shelf for her honey eventually but that's another day.

For all this progress I am a little  irritated this morning at the sore on my lip; stress and dust are the usual culprits and yesterday I had a spike of emotion that was the precursor of this particular blemish; I hate that I wear my deepest emotions on my face for the world to see. And while I am sure there are a million others on this planet that would love to have my petty little problems, I am not strong enough to shoulder that guilt this morning.

I think it's time for a warm breakfast on this chilly  morning. I'm thinking a fruit compote - the warm cousin of a green smoothie- using the leftover fruit salad and some flax meal, maybe some powdered greens from Trader Joe's and then pecan pieces sprinkled over the top. Yum, gotta run!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

by the way

Massages are wonderful. Just sayin.

Wake up

I fear I have been waxing somewhat sentimental lately, and in all honesty I think I can blame it on exhaustion - mental & physical.  I had a wake up call today that reminded me why I wanted to separate, why we will do better apart. It only took a moment, a very brief interlude to bring it all back. The desire to stay and try to fix someone else blended with the intense desire to flee. Catnip & Kryptonite as Liz Gilbert writes in Eat Pray Love. I saw a glimpse of the kryptonite today and I am glad I have already fled.

All the work and dust and aches and pains and tears and angst have been worth it to forge this new beginning. It's not completely over by a long shot, but for now it feels like at least the hard part is over. I sincerely hope we can remain friends, that one day we can hike an archery range together again, but today my hopes are not high for that eventuality.

Only time will tell, and that's one secret keeper who knows their job and performs it well.

Friday, April 5, 2013

What a day...

Well the important big stuff got moved, and as I type my granddaughter A is lying in bed in the room next to mine and...kicking the wall? That's what it sounds like. I imagine it will take her some time to settle in to having a new room in a new house. Always before when spending the night she has slept with me so I suppose it's all a little overwhelming. She is also full of artificial crap from the pedialyte popsicle she had from my freezer. We have since thrown away the rest of the box and have plans to buy a silicon popsicle mold and make our own from scratch - another great use for my new juicer!

I spent eight hours today sorting, sweeping, packing, running errands and breaking down cardboard - almost none of it my stuff, but H's. Sometimes things just don't work out like you imagine, and you either roll with it or you create a fuss; I tend towards the former. Piscean, middle child - go figure, I'm a natural mediator. Mostly. And true to form I don't care so much how it's getting done, just that it is. Okay, yes there was a moment this afternoon when I realized how things were shaking out and in that short space of time I was super pissed off and close to giving in to mad mad mad tears BUT I worked it through and it's all good. Or at least it wasn't that bad.

But the stressful afternoon is over and it's nice to have my DD here settling in. Our first dinner together was homemade and healthy despite us both being tired, and she picked up sweet potatoes and spinach to make hash for breakfast. It will be nice to have support for making healthy food choices, lord knows I need it badly. Luckily I am sick to death of stress eating and ready to fuel up with the good stuff. I'm really looking forward to how I feel when I'm eating for nutrition.

The house feels full and alive this evening like it hasn't in a long time. H and I had made our lives so small and miserable (I bear the lion's share of the blame - grief is a hard housemate) and it was reflected in everything we did. Or didn't do. I could equate our misery to the pounds of dust I have cleaned out of the house in the past month but I think I've written that particular topic to death.

And just as I knew it would be, for now the hardest part is over, for the most part anyway. There is still lots of work to be done organizing the house here, and cleaning the rental there and figuring out what needs to be stored. But all of our hard work has paid off and H is up at his new place and my girls are finally moved in. This is the first night of our new living arrangements and this tired old aching body is filled with optimism and lettuce.

Works for me!

Interpretation of a dream

I was living in a small trailer type home by the beach, in a small community, and strangely enough there were many that were apparently my close knit group of friends. And I was still married to J, my first husband. (I know, H and I weren't married, but it felt -feels- like a second marriage.) Back to the dream, did I mention this is a dream and I just woke up? So we are in this trailer by the beach and he is cooking liver (yuck, never happened) and I am making macaroni & cheese (happened a lot) and he is being everything he never was towards me. Talkative, attentive, and even stopped what he was doing long enough to give me a good long hug. There was much more to the dream but the details are drifting away and I let them go without a fight, too intent on figuring out the symbolism of what I remember with clarity.

It's fairly obvious, I miss the attention. It's been a really long time since anyone focused on me. Which is why A is such a blessing, she still thinks I am the cat's pajamas. Well mostly, these past few weeks have been trying on her too; I'm so tired everytime I see her we aren't playing together like we once did. I need to set some time aside for us to do something fun together once we get past this weekend.

But back to the dream, I miss even what little contact H and I had towards the end. Reaching over to hold his hand, brushing against him while passing in the narrow hallway, feeling him next to me in bed. This is about as long as I was normally away from him while he was off on business trips, and as I fell asleep last night I was thinking that today might be the last one I spend with him for quite some time. So this morning's dream is no surprise, nor is the sadness that thickens my throat and aches my chest as tears fall down across my cheeks. Love can be a cruel mistress. 

And while posts like this make me crazy because it feels like I am back swimming in the pity pool, they help me to distill my feelings and work through them more quickly. I need to be on my best game today, and just enjoy the company of a friend instead of mourning the loss of a lover. I can do this. I will do this.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Once more unto the breach

I think that is from Henry V, my memory is such a crap shoot that could very well not be so but I am too rushed to google it. Dinner is in the car, as soon as R calls I am off to deliver it, and once we eat its out to the garage armed with big black garbage bags. We need to disconnect the washer & Dryer and uncover the couch and chair.

And there is the phone. I can do this, tonight and tomorrow, and then everything will begin to be just a little bit easier.

At least I am hoping such is the case. And I'm off.

Home again, clean & shiny, and full of sourdough toast. Dinner earlier didn't set well but after my shower all of a sudden I was hungry. I wanted to have the bread gone by tomorrow anyway so that worked out perfectly. The more I bag stuff up the more I want it all gone. I'm going to have to go back through the boxes in my own garage again and thin them out even more. I don't want to be the sum of my stuff, I want space and order and a few nice things. I have my memories, I don't need to be surrounded by so many 'things'.

Sweet Dreams.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The little bully

Today I saw peer pressure at work in the animal kingdom. Along with my daughter and granddaughter, their two puggles will also be moving in this weekend. Today they were visiting while major yard work was going on at their (old) house.

Setting the scene:  Two cats who have been shut in the house all day and three dogs who have been shut out in the backyard for the same time. I get home, and everyone goes crazy. Not necessarily because they love me but they know I can reach the food. Okay, they all love me in varying degrees but nothing that would make them yowl and jump and run around in circles the way the hope of a chicken strip will.

Once they inhaled their treats I got to work starting to move things around and they took off on sniff patrol, checking out every delectable smell still imbedded in the freshly cleaned carpet. Back to the felines, they are still huddled on my bed in full glare mode and pissed off they are expected to navigate their way past the dogs to get to the food in the dining room. I help a little, nudging the puggles out of the way and giving the cats a head start down the hall, and then I forgot about it as I began more sorting piles.

When the commotion broke out I was still a little distracted, and not realizing what the yipping meant I wandered into the master bedroom to behold Velcro (the 13ish year old shy female catapuss) crouched down in the middle of the room surrounded by the three dogs. Keep in mind there is no furniture in there yet. While the puggles are still at fault for watching, it was my little Kaylee who was darting in and repeatedly nudging Velcro with her long pointy dachshund nose. God I hate it when someone gets bullied in front of an audience. When that happens on TV I leave the room or turn the channel; it makes me plain crazy mad. So I yelled at the dog and scooped up the cat and tossed her on the carpeted tree, high enough to stay out of the fray, then sent them doggies packing. Really, the nerve.

Tonight it's all about the laundry, both houses need to get caught up so we can disconnect the washers and dryers for the move Friday. I hired Two men and a Truck and the more we can do the less time it will take them and the less it will cost. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to not have to count pennies and be able to just take care of everything with a wave of the hand. It doesn't bother me that we don't live like that, but that being said I know I would enjoy it if we did.

No rest for the wicked!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A body in motion...

...stays in motion. While I did take a short break last night, I made up for it today. This is the first time I've sat down (not counting in the car) since returning home from the day job. But I think I accomplished everything on my list. The handmade oak bed we bought almost 30 years ago is dismantled, stacked and tarped in the driveway. If no one responds to my FB post I'll put it on Craig's list this weekend. All three rooms are bare and ready for the carpet cleaning tomorrow. 

I think I am actually adapting to all this exercise and activity; my pain level has not increased if you don't count my feet, and they only ache for a couple of hours first thing in the morning. I do believe I will be ready to begin walking once we finish everything up by the last week of April. 

This coming weekend will be the hardest. The garage on Friday, then helping R move into the bedrooms over the weekend in between finishing up the garage  with H. And it looks like her significant other isn't going to be available to help so it's just us and any help she can muster. 

It really feels like a big giant test, the way everything is happening and the chaos that has been created from a single decision. "I'm done", I said to H one day. And that was it, we were separated and everything else followed from that moment. I know about creation, and the intrinsic part chaos plays when something new is about to be born. But as I said the other day, I wish the hard part were over. I am also wondering what shape this something new will take, and of course I am assuming it will be wonderful, because it just feels like we need a break. I daren't say deserve a break because I can't go that far, but certainly we could use one. 

A series of unfortunate events is only comical in retrospect up to a certain point. Then one tends to despair and we will have none of that, thank you very much!

Monday, April 1, 2013

go go go stop

After a couple of weeks of go go go, tonight I just stopped. Well, after hauling the bags of electronic recycling to the curb and helping H carry the last cabinet from his old office out to his truck, then I was done.  And a little numb. I know this is a work in progress, that having the feelings and thoughts that I do at this point are natural and will work their way out of my system eventually. This is the point at which I need to remember how to calm my mind and not get caught up in the drama. This is when I need to be kind to myself and try to see the lessons instead of laying on the blame. But the tears come anyway. A million songs have been written about this particular heartache, 'breaking up is hard to do...'

He will be back Friday so we can work on the garage, I just have to hang tough a little bit longer.