Groceries and musings on New Years Eve Day

I am squishing in my journaling between grocery shopping (which of course entails putting them away) and drawing on my abundance of patience and love to care for my grandchildren. Well, one of them anyway, A keeps herself cloistered much of the time with her online gaming. We draw her out for walks, or she volunteers to head out to practice her skateboarding which is great because C spends the time running after her, wearing himself out to nap.

From the store I brought home everything I could think of that we might need in the way of food, but totally forgot to buy any meat. Maybe my brain is catching up to my desires? I did remember black eyed peas for our good luck meal tomorrow, and I splurged on some snacks for the grands, but did not purchase any traditional New Years Eve snacks. No fried prawns, no jalapeno poppers, no chips and dip. I just don't want them in the house. They are entirely too sexy to resist.

I splurged and drove through for a decaf coffee this morning with cream (my fat from lunch) so I have the 'motivation' to take down Christmas today. I look forward to the ritual; a favorite movie on the tv, and storing away the decorations for another year. Which will seem like tomorrow at some point, the years are flying by so fast.

I did well on my nightly checklist last night, only missing my meditation, which I intended to do at bedtime but instead was drawn into another episode of Bridgerton on Netflix. It's such a love/hate relationship I have with these period pieces; the beauty and grandeur of it all at counterpoint to the oppression of women and men alike. But I am enjoying the series, the feminine part of me living vicariously through the grand balls, picnics, and society in general that they display so beautifully.

Like just about everyone else in the world I am looking forward to a new year, but really it's just another day. Maybe I should have said I am looking forward to saying goodbye to this year, but for all the drama and trauma and loss of so  many, it was still a growth year for me. Learning about IFS therapy, joining my mastermind group and doing parts work; these experiences and new friends are so important to me and my continuing journey.

Because while I haven't lost any more weight, I think I have done some much needed self-therapy that will stand me in good stead going forward. I will continue one day at a time to follow my Bright Lines. I will continue with my commitment to weigh daily, check off my list nightly, and work with my parts to bring my own true self to the foreground more often.

As you can tell, my spirits are riding high on caffeine this morning, but it makes no less significant my determination to keep working towards a more balanced and peaceful life. A life where I can continue to grow towards my original objective - which according to this journal back in 2007 is being more connected - to myself and others is what I think I meant at the time. And that is what Bright Line Eating is doing for me, so a win win so to say.

So no summary for the old year - it's history, and no grand plans for the new one - it's ADAAT. But that being said, I do love the energy of the world on this day; I can feel the positive energy of everyone looking forward to a fresh start. It's moments like this that confirm that yes, we are all connected, and everything we do matters to everyone else. How's that motivation to be a better person? 

Monitoring Actions, not food

As I was venting yesterday about my focus being right back on the food, I was a little discouraged to find myself in that oh so special place of whining about my failures. That's the reason I stopped writing before, tired of listening to myself and just wanting to be done with it. Waking up this morning I realized that my perspective had been a little skewed, probably reactionary, and driven my my inner rebel. Because I see now that it's not all about the food. I'm not tracking calories, or macro nutrients. I'm not playing the balance game between unhealthy and healthy choices. And I'm not constantly beating myself up about what I eat. While yes, I am spending what feels like an inordinate amount of time on thinking about what I am doing in order to slay my food dragon, it's not about the food. "That's handled" as Susan likes to say. It's about my self care, and monitoring the tools I've been handed. It's about making sure that every day I am supporting myself in a way that leads to freedom from my slavery to food, that leads to leaving behind this castle of a body that keeps me in and others out.

So this morning I looked at my nightly checkoff list a little differently, and added in a couple of things that are also vital to my self care each day. Taking my daily meds and using my Orenda products. I can't ever be too tired to skip those, and I have been. I can't ever think they aren't important, because they are. Until my bloodwork shows my doctor that I can reduce my thyroid medication, I need to take it regularly. Until my blood pressure registers normal, I have to keep taking that medication regularly. And my O'Tropin, I know that is so important to keep my HGH levels up so my cells are in maintenance mode and not declining. And my Immune, the daily detox I count on to rid my body of unwanted viruses and toxins and metals and environmental hormones.  All of these things are important to me and my health, so they are on the list.

And wow, another realization. Thinking about Orenda it comes to me that my plan of sharing these products in my retirement, when I've lost weight, when I have the time, when whatever the excuse of the day is - well, it's just my isolator part keeping me down. Keeping me safe from interacting with others. It's not me planning for the future, and it's certainly not me being my authentic self. Because I love these products and want to share them with others. "How can I do that when I am not at my best?" That is the defining question that holds me back. That is another part of me, another protector we call the perfectionist, that wants to isolate in order to avoid pain. The pain of rejection by friends and strangers, the disappointment of family not trusting my instincts or supporting my efforts. The pain of feeling unworthy and not smart enough and gullible.

Susan is right, it's not just about losing the weight, it's about transforming your life. "Eating in black and white so you can live your life in colour."

Deep Breath. Small steps. Start with what you have; keep your Bright Lines, use your nightly check off list, stay connected with your master mind group. Good things are coming if I do the work. Dreams will happen if I do the work.

And I see the possibilities, and realize that hidden beneath all of the self doubt, I have started dreaming again.

Todays Food is planned and waiting in the fridge. Enough said. Well, almost enough. I am looking forward to my breakfast of potatoes, cheese & egg.

A little vent

Yesterday was hard, as my Monday's tend to be. By the time I had finished my morning work I was needed out front to watch C so R could get herself ready for work. Then C was a chatterbox all day and never took a nap. Then it was back into my office\bedroom to work some more, and I never did get around to journaling. Instead I listened to the next video in Susan's Rezoom Reframe series for Bright Line Eating. There is a part of me that wants to take the class, but if I am too tired and busy to take a minute to journal how am I going to take a class? Well, the obvious answer is that I am not. And as I have already taken steps to implement the basics I feel that is enough for now.

I'm already in a better place than I was, and it feels like really it's just my brain defect that is holding me back. It's easy to blame my unreliable memory when I eat in the middle of the night instead of doing my parts work. I wonder this morning why I didn't just open my Marco Polo app and record a message instead of going to the kitchen. Or meditate, or journal, or just friggin breathe through it. But I remember the feeling of last night. The not caring, the way I moved on auto-drive, the pleasure of lying in bed with a snack while listening to my book.

That is probably the crux of it, I have no deeply personal pleasure in my life right now aside from loving my family. C's snuggles and A's quick hugs are blessings to me, but pleasure? The short walks I am taking during the day usually bring something beautiful to my eye, but I think the pleasure I would normally derive from that is countered by the pain in my body. Yesterday the pain was in a new place, below my hips on the outside of my thighs, and every step was painful. Poor C, wanting to race and me unable to do more than hobble along after him. Wow, it's pretty depressing just thinking about it, and I want to cry.

Deep Breath! I will not start my day this way. More deep breaths and I am ready to go on after smearing the few tears away - see, why didn't I just do that last night? Because this morning I care, and last night I didn't. It's that simple.

Yesterdays Food:

B: Oatmeal, PB & flaxmeal, blueberries & banana

L: Lentil soup, apple

D: Roast & Gorgonzola salad, peas

Todays Food:

B: Potato, cheese & egg, banana

L:  Lentil soup, apple

D: Roast & Gorgonzola salad, corn

My job this week is to use up all of the leftovers in the fridge. I should go buy apples, bananas, and lettuce this morning, but we need to use up all of the fruit on hand and I find myself without the energy to face the grocery store.

Saddest of all is just remembering that I didn't use my nightly check off list before bed last night, which means I also didn't write in my gratitude journal. Wow, the only thing I did do on my list yesterday is take a walk; I am so rocking this new routine!! Interestingly enough I did weigh myself, I seem to be able to remember that each morning since deciding to weigh daily for a month. I didn't even write that on the list. I need a check off list for marking on my check off list. But it just goes to show that I am still obsessed with the number on the scale.

And here I am back into the thick of it, where instead of my life being more free because I'm eating three meals a day and not stressing about food the rest of the time I am starting to once again focus all of my time and energy on 'doing it right' and letting it consume me. Yet another deep breath later and I am aware that this is just a learning curve, so to speak, and that once I get my routines in place to the point that they are just an automatic part of my self care I won't feel overwhelmed. That they won't feel contrived and pointless. That they will support me by replenishing my will power and that I will stop eating at night.

I will do this. I will be unstoppable. But at the  moment I will go get a cup of tea and socks because my feet are freezing.

Bright Line Eating: New Action Plan

As I wrote down my weight this morning I also added a note, MUST MEDITATE. This has long been on my mind, literally years, and my group mates all do it first thing in the morning. After writing the words, the idea of starting this morning glanced off my grey cells and was deflected off into the nether lands by the pain that starts each of my days. There is no way I am getting down onto my beautiful little meditation bench right now. But today, instead of that being the end of it, I have made the decision to meditate later in the day. It doesn't have to be the same time every day, it just has to have a grounding event. Today I will meditate when C goes down for his nap. This makes sense as it will work M-F as well as weekends & holidays. He is only three, maybe by the time he grows out of naps, my body will be recovered enough to find a different time of day to meditate, but this works for now.

But I need to have a morning ritual, and I've decided to sit down to write once I have put the kettle on for my tea each morning. And since I will be writing at the beginning of my day, I can also commit my food. It may be specific, or just what's on deck for prep, but it will be a positive affirmation for keeping to my Bright Lines.

Then I will need to change my evening ritual since I won't be journaling before bed, and I can start by implementing another component of this program that I have attempted before,  but have never followed through on, and start using my nightly check list. Thus far there are only five items on it, but as I go through my day and think about it and look on my original list I am sure I will add more before printing off the new list that I will start using tonight. And I will format it for only a week, as it may change again; using the list needs to be consistent, but not what I am checking off. 1. Journal 2. Bright Lines 3. Meditate 4. Went Outside.  Pretty simple, one would think, and why would I have to be accountable for such obvious actions? Because I want to be accountable for doing them every day without exception, and science shows that we are more likely to follow through if we record\track our behavior. And lord knows my behavior needs to change if I am going to succeed. Because I want to be going out even if it's cold, or raining, or I'm just being lazy. I spend too many hours playing Animal Crossing when I should be up and doing things.

Because Bright Line Eating isn't just about not eating sugar & flour. It's not just about weighing our food and eating only at meal times. There is a whole program that supports being able to stick to the four Bright Lines, and despite my desperation to succeed, I haven't been following the whole program, just the lines. And that has to change, I have to step up. Or rather, I have to finally come all the way in and sit all the way down.

This morning instead of just saying I am going to do that, I am taking steps to make sure it happens. Part of the program is to have morning and evening routines, another part is to meditate, and these are the three things I am focusing on this morning. To put actions behind my intentions. Dreams don't come true if we don't put in the work. That's right, parts work, that will be number five on my list. Taking a moment each day to be curious about my feelings and the parts that are generating them. See, already up to five on the list.

Taking a moment to make my tea, I was in the kitchen and realized that in order to check Bright Lines off my nightly check list about 8pm every night, then my day needs to have started at 8pm the night before. Which actually makes sense; Susan says our day really starts the night before when we commit our food for the next day. Obviously something I won't be doing in light of the changes made above as I will be committing my food in the morning, but my day can still start then. And I do go to bed each night knowing what my breakfast options are. But I can't commit to cheese and crackers and then wake up with an urge to have oatmeal. I know after over a year that eating one thing while wanting another just wakes up my rebel who will wreak havoc that day. No, better for me to know there is oatmeal ready to heat up, and cheese available in the fridge so that I'm not actually having to decide which to have, but being able to follow my desire for breakfast come the morning.

Such simple changes, but it's feeling like a lot to me at the moment, and I'm getting hungry. So off I go.

Todays Food:

B: Eggs over easy on potato, melon

L: Pazole from the taqueria! Weighed, measured, and delicious

D:  Roast & gorgonzola salad, artichoke dressing

Today I need to inventory the fridges and plan food for the next few days. Then I can tell you all about it tomorrow.

Accountability & Support

Was I Bright last night? No. I am blaming the apple pie left not just out on the stove but uncovered and with the serving knife laid across the pie tin. Of course the pie did not just jump in my mouth, it was me that did the deed. But no blame, no anger, just moving on.

I missed my Master Mind Group this morning, jumping on to the call as they were finishing up. Why did I miss it? I was watching a Netflix movie and didn't hear my phone alert. This has been corrected, my daughter changing the alert to a ring tone that I will hear and have to turn off to stop. Why did I jump online hoping to catch the end of the call? Because I love these ladies, and have learned to lean into them for the support I need. They are wonderful, and I was so glad to catch them to say Merry Christmas. One of them called me afterwards to catch me up on what I missed, that is how supportive they are; just amazing. Because with food addiction, even a phone call can mean the world of difference to one's motivation and courage and ability to take that next right step.

I am double encouraged this week to stay Bright through New Years; I am weighing everyday as is my daughter, and I am looking into the Marco Polo app for daily support. I want to be able to check in every morning to let someone know I stayed bright through the night. I want to be able to let my daughter know that I am once again losing pounds. Accountability is something I have strongly rebelled against so these two things are huge for me, and this morning my head is back in the game.

A couple of notes on my food so far today through lunch. The horseradish sauce does have both mayo & sour cream in it, but when I say smear it was maybe a quarter of a teaspoon. So a condiment. And for lunch I started with a small twice baked potato, which only weighed about 3oz, then added left over veggie stoup to reach my 6oz. I really should have weighed to 7oz since I know there was butter and cheese in the potato to count as my fat, but my hand slipped and I accidentally spilled the last ounce of soup on the kitchen counter. Bummer, but too lazy to get the next container of soup out so lunch was a little light. I will make up that ounce of veggies at dinner tonight. Flexibility is one of the bonuses of Bright Line Eating

B:  Egg on toast with a smear of horseradish sauce, melon

L:  Leftover potato, veggies, roast beast, banana & orange

D:  Chopped green salad, gorgonzola cheese, flax meal & pecans, bowl of veggie stoup

Having missed the flax meal at breakfast, I'll be sure to add it in at dinner. Brain Food!

Time to go figure out Marco Polo.

PS Yesterday's Food: (Bright all day, yes I weighed the chips & dip)

B: Bright Line Mexican hot chocolate, Ezekiel toast with ham and cheese, melon

L:  Raw veggies, cheese assortment, salami, potato chips & onion dip; melon & pomegranate 

D: Roast Beast with horseradish sauce, carrots, twice baked potato

A Walk, Some Gratitude, and Christmas PJs

Today C and I took a walk in the cold while his parents wrapped presents. The wind would push him away from me and he would cry, "I'm blowing away Grama, save me!" And I would. Taking his little hand in mine we would fight our way back to the path leading to the slide. Once there he was already tired, and suggested we better head home to play in the driveway. I willingly acquiesced,  my hip and knee not being a willing partner to the day's outing. On the way home I just kept telling myself, this is why you have to keep losing weight. This little walk is nothing and it's almost undoable, I have to do better; be better.

I am just back from dicing up dates to soak overnight in a cup of milk. We are making Mexican chocolate from scratch as part of our Bright Line Christmas breakfast, and I am counting on the dates to sweeten the milk enough. We add dates while cooking oatmeal as part of our fruit serving, and this is no different. Go ahead, google the nutrition of dates and you get everything from colon to brain health. A win win from top to bottom - literally.

It's a little bit quiet for Christmas Eve. Eventually we will all put on our matching pajamas and head out in the car to see some light displays; I hear there are some wonderful ones out there this year. Then it's home to tidy up before bed so we wake up to a cozy Christmas morning. I'm feeling under prepared, and the stockings may be a little lighter than usual. That tells me how much impulse buying I normally do this time of  year, and that online shopping isn't my cup of tea. 

I hope the local shops and restaurants survive. I hope the vaccine works, I hope the American people listen to their new president and we can stem the advance of Covid19 that is devastating so many families this holiday season. And I can't help but take a moment to give thanks for our continued vigilance and health. Because we do wear masks, and sanitize our hands, and stay at home except for the weekly trip for groceries. We are so fortunate in many ways; working remotely, having groceries delivered, or placing orders for a 'contactless' pick up.

I spent some time this afternoon browsing the official Facebook page for Bright Line Eating. There are so many inspirational stories, and I was surprised by how many times eating at 3am was mentioned. I am taking comfort and support from those posts, and will not be eating tonight. After five Bright Nights I have slipped the past two, and it just makes me sad. I don't want to be sad Christmas morning, so no snacking tonight. Period. I want another five Bright nights!

Time for plaid PJs I'm told, and I'm ready to join in the fun.

Happy Christmas Eve 💙

Bright Line Eating & Hallmark Movies

I realized as I watched my umpteenth Christmas movie of the season that it is the trappings of the holiday that keep me so enamored even if the plot lines usually let me down. Watching actors going about the rituals of  celebrating with large family dinners, building gingerbread houses, and baking cookies just warms the cockles of my heart. For the 2nd Christmas in a row I am questioning the whys of how strongly linked food is to Christmas. For thousands of years food has been a way to show another that you care. You have taken time from your day to shop, follow a recipe, prepare, and pack up an assortment of goodies to present to someone you love, or at least to someone you care about in some fashion; a neighbor, a friend, a family member.

It feels like not eating sugar & flour has put a bit of a damper on celebrating in traditional ways, as it should, because it has. I'm not upset about it, and I really enjoyed baking cookies to give away the other day. But not participating in the eating part made me feel a little dismal, like a small portion of the joy has been stripped away. The word on the BLE street is that celebrating the holidays is about so much more than the food; there are people to connect with, and traditions that have nothing to do with the kitchen - unless that is where you happen to hang your mistletoe. But still, I miss the goodies. I miss the feeling that it's okay to overindulge a little because it's a holiday. I miss the holiday cheer that food brings.

So I live that part of my life in Hallmark movies; enjoying every cookie that is eaten, every cup of cocoa or eggnog that they pretend to sip, and every bit of yule log consumed. It doesn't seem to bother me much, I seem to be enjoying these activities with the same passivity as watching them build snow forts, cutting down trees, and strolling through Christmas bazars - other traditions that I won't be participating in this year, or probably any other. I suppose that means no harm, no foul, to my healing brain. But it still rankles that I have lost traditions that were once so central to our celebrations. Instead of cinnamon rolls for breakfast some of us will be having Bright cups of Mexican chocolate. We'll be having appies for lunch as we did at Thanksgiving - there are yummy cheeses in the fridge to go with our cut up veggies and fruit, instead of consuming large bowls of guacamole and onion dip. And no box of Sees candy to pass around. Dad worked for them for probably 30 years, and while I did have a piece last Christmas, it won't be happening this time around. I'm not obsessing over it, and I'm not at work where the box would normally show up as a present from a vendor, so I feel safe against that temptation.

Dinner is already a Bright meal; roast beast, twice baked potatoes, brussels sprouts, carrots. Admittedly there will be a little extra fat in there, but I will weigh my meal as usual, ignoring that small deviation, and accept that this one meal of the day is for maintenance (body & soul) instead of weight loss.

I'm heading into the holiday coloured with the usual sad. Joey won't be here to eat more twice baked potatoes than should be humanly possible.  Jim didn't survive to enjoy his grandchildren as I do. And so many loved ones that have gone before and leave spaces in my heart that can't seem to be filled. I'm ever so grateful for my little family, for the hugs I get and give, and for our health at this perilous time in our lives. I know these blessings are probably all the sweeter because of the bitter losses we have endured, and I know we are not alone - many struggle at this time of year and my heart goes out to them all.

Missing out on a little food just doesn't seem so important all of a sudden.

I wonder what Hallmark movie I have set to record for this evening.

Today's Food:

B: Oatmeal w\ flax meal, pecans & cream cheese, canned pears and fresh cherries

L: Leftover pork roast and veggies from last night, oranges and pomegranate seeds

D: Veggie stoup with blackeyes peas, pepperoni & cream cheese

Soup's On

C's treatment went well this morning, and the good news from the Doctors is that his 3 years of maintenance has been reduced based on current studies showing the extended year has no benefit towards long term recovery. So he will be done next June! Then just monthly labs for awhile to be sure he is still in remission, then quarterly checkups, and finally just an annual review. This means he will be done with treatment just before he starts school - assuming he gets to go to school next fall - and my life will change once more. I'll have to think about what that means, but I am thinking it's time to start sharing the Orenda products again. I could do that while he is in school, and still do accounting in the evenings if needs must.

For today, I am happy to be concentrating on my health, and caring for the grands. That's enough. 

Today I baked Toll House chocolate chip cookies. They looked better than any cookie I've ever made, and M says they were great. My contribution to the tins of goodies they have just now left to deliver. I never licked a finger, was never tempted to eat a cookie, and left alone with leftovers there is no real chatter about sneaking a bite. I think it's because I really know now that what I have been saying for years is actually true, scientifically speaking, that one cookie is too many and a thousand not enough. That's addiction for you.

My soup for dinner was wonderful, and I have two more 14oz portions weighed and ready for protein, plus a large container to share that can be weighed as desired for meals this coming week. My dinner was so large, and I am so full, that is feels almost sinful. But it wasn't. What is was, was full of nutrition and flavour. Onions & shallots, celery and pablano peppers, a bunch of kale, half a bag of baby carrots, half a large plastic container of baby spinach, the leftover fresh thyme and sage from Thanksgiving, two bay leaves, and a packet of Knorr's French Onion Soup. Oh, and some Mrs. Dash table blend, and the last teaspoon of poultry seasoning. After sautéing the onions and shallots until soft and golden brown, I added the diced veggies as I finished cutting them up, then added the seasonings, a 1 carton of veggie broth and half a carton of chicken broth and a 15oz can of fire roasted diced tomatoes. Once the soup was bubbling, l I turned the heat down to simmer and set the timer for half an hour.  

I know Susan doesn't like soup because she finds it hard to find peace in measuring it, but I love soup and find it easy to manipulate. I use a slotted spoon or spatula to drain the veggies a bit before weighing them, then add a scoop of broth. Tonight I added in 6oz of black eyed peas (the sausage was gone) and 1oz of cream cheese for my protein and fat servings. A few twists of black peppercorns later I had a scrumpdiddlyumptious bowl of rich, thick, nutritious soup. Okay, yes I know it would have been better to leave out the cream cheese, but some days a girl just needs a little luxury in her life. And I do get a fat with dinner.

Tomorrows Food:

B: Eggs over easy, rice, oranges

L:  Green salad, gorgonzola cheese & pecans, apples & cherries

D: Veggie soup, sausage

I realized typing out my lunch that I really need to dice up some apple to actually go in the salad - that's a classic! I'll probably split the fruit, adding some apple to the salad and making up the rest of my 6oz between pomegranate seeds and cherries. Whomever it was who said Bright Line Eating was boring was not doing it very well in my humble and probably skewed opinion. We love our bright, healthy meals and they are always inviting and delicious. We don't do boring very well, it just doesn't satisfy.

I'm looking forward to a fifth Bright night in a row, and after the chores and food prep of the day I'm also looking forward to cozying up on the new couch for some holiday fare from the tv. And with everyone gone, I get to pick. I must interject here that choosing programs is never a problem, we can always just go to another room and watch what we like. And we enjoy enough of the same shows to spend some family time together each week. Of course, most nights I am working, but on weekends and holidays we tend to gather together.

Christmas Cookies, Soup, and Addiction

I had forgotten about the planned holiday baking the girls were doing today, so the cooking of my soup will have to wait until tomorrow. Instead for dinner I had a luscious green salad, left over meatballs, and splurged on potato for my vegetable; sneaking potatoes into the microwave was much less intrusive in our small galley kitchen and I do love me some potato. 

It will be irritating to go back to work tomorrow after four days off, but I remember I am grateful for my job and the irritation slides off my shoulders; butter off of a hot knife. I'll be able to split my day and work more than usual in the morning since C is going in for treatment. This will also keep my mind off the hospital, and my little grandson being injected with the poison that is saving his life. BIG SIGH.

Tomorrow's food:

B: Oatmeal, pitted fresh cherries, cream cheese, flax, & pecans

L: Sausage, lentils, corn & peas, oranges

D: Black eyed pea\veggie soup - extra veggies instead of salad

The Christmas sugar cookies that were sitting next to me on the dining room table as I pitted cherries this evening didn't really tempt me at all. And they were so pretty, all iced and ready to pack up. They also made gingerbread cookies, fudge, mini-chocolate Bundt cakes, and R is in the kitchen now cooking up a batch of  English toffee. Pretty tins are ready to be filled, and a cousin is dropping by tomorrow afternoon to exchange goodies. The ones we receive will live in the garage so they are not on the kitchen counter. While I feel I can withstand the temptation, I am worried it will use up so much will power that it might instigate night eating, so we will take precautions.

Speaking of Christmas, I am missing one shipment that I hope will arrive before Christmas. I can barely imagine the deliveries this year with so many of us ordering presents online due to Covid. And compared to past seasons of giving, we have cut back quite a bit. It's a good thing, we all agree. It's just not the same browsing online as it is meandering through a small shop in town and finding just the right thing for someone on your list.

It was a productive day, and the two tubs and a crate of miscellanea have been sorted, then purged or packed away. I'm a little melancholy this evening, some of the items were memories I could do without. One in particular, the personal inventory my late husband made while in one of his many twelve-step recovery centers, we have plans to burn in the fire pit out back. Or maybe just the fireplace if this cold snap continues. But the history it reveals of how early his drug & alcohol use began, and the continuing use through our marriage and the raising of our kids, is so very disheartening. I mean, I knew he wasn't coming home after work, obviously, but I didn't realize he had been using heroin for fourteen years before we divorced. I thought it was just beer and codeine. But no, that was just the tip of the iceberg that sank us. And really, just beer and codeine? How co-dependent was I???

Deep Breath! Blowing out hard!  Feel the pain, let go of the story, embrace a new vision.

I am so grateful for my healthy daughter, for the grandkids that bring love and challenges into my life everyday, and for my SIL working his own program and being present for his family. So very grateful.

So I close on a positive note, and dream of a generation that is not plagued by addiction.

Three's the Charm

Another Bright night under my belt, and feeling pretty good this morning. A sexy breakfast is also under my belt, so to say, and while it was rich and satisfying, I don't think it is too sexy for me; maybe for my daughter, she hasn't said yet. I guess I have too many favorites to consider any one of them too enticing. Like fried eggs over rice, yam pudding, green chili rice & egg casserole, and of course the default favorite, cheese & triscuits. All that being listed, todays breakfast was a little more wonderful than usual ;)

Today's Food:

B: Ezekiel toast, Brie, sliced ham, banana

L: Sausage, corn & peas, flax meal, fruit salad

D:  Black eyed pea\veggie soup, green salad w/ gorgonzola & pecans, artichoke hearts

I'm looking forward to making the soup today and using up all of the veggies out of the fridge that look doomed to be forgotten. Lots of spinach, kale & zucchini will go into the pot after slowly sautéing lots of onions until they are rich and delicious. I'll weigh the beans separately into the soup so I can split the protein at dinner with the cheese and nuts in my salad. The rest of the soup will go into a large container to use at will during the week so I can split proteins between chicken sausages, meatballs, and whatever other protein shows up as left overs.  

I am adding some flax meal to my lunch since I didn't have any with breakfast and I know it's making a difference in my mood stabilization efforts. And spinach; we eat so many vegetables but yet are still light on the dark leafy greens that are so important. I will take it as an improvement that I am noticing this and correcting it.

It's a beautifully sunny & crisp winter day out there, and I am enjoying it from the warmth of my bedroom window as I continue to sort through 'stuff' and discard what no longer brings me joy. So many little mementos from my life, and no where to keep them; that's my challenge today.

I am full of hope today that with three Bright nights in a row I am on my way to a week, and then through the end of the year. And while I am leaning away from the idea of a number being the goal of my Bright Line journey, I still want to see the scale reflecting anything less than 200. Then maybe I can put the scale away for awhile.

Off to find a Christmas movie to listen to while I sort.

Another Bright Night

Yesterday was so busy, that sitting here last night I just didn't have the energy to post. All is well, just more physical than usual. We had moved the old couch into the driveway Thursday night, and yesterday morning the new couch was delivered. They unpacked the carboard cartons but we had to cut away the plastic, screw on the legs, and arrange everything. Lots of work, but glad of the new couch. Then yesterday afternoon M and I loaded up the old couch into a friends truck and drove it back to Costco to return - springs had popped through the bottom after four years - and once there unloaded the three large sections onto carts and went to stand in line. A short line and a full refund later we were back in the truck driving home. My only regret was not taking the time to actually go into the store to check out the presents isle to see if there was anything awesome for the kids, but no biggie.

I forgot to mention that before the Costco trip I had just finished doing the Christmas dinner shopping and putting away groceries, usually my only activity for the day so I don't stress my back. So three ways I kept busy all day, and ended up exhausted by bedtime.

The new couch is great, having an extra section so we can all fit comfortable to watch a move or football together. BUT, it's a little narrower than the old couch. The truth popped out of my mouth before I could stop the words, "If we all lose about 20 pounds we would fit better!" Yikes! My daughter smiled and just said, "Working on it!" And we let it go. What M and A thought, well,  they kept that to themselves.

Yesterday's Food:

B: Oatmeal, date & banana, PB & flaxmeal

L:  Leftover spaghetti w/ chopped red onion & lots of cherry tomatoes, apple

D:  Swedish meatballs, peas, green salad w/ artichoke hearts

I feel really good about my food yesterday, measuring out my fat and cooking a nice dinner for the family. And I had another Bright night, without a compulsion to eat or a sidebar in the kitchen. Just straight to the loo and back to bed. It's such a relief for that voice to be silenced, and I'm so grateful for this pause in my brain. Hopefully it will last a while and if it comes back I will be able to once again dissuade it from being a nuisance. If you can call an 'all powerful destructive force of evil; just a nuisance. 

Today's Food:

B: Oatmeal, date & banana & blackberries, flaxmeal

L:  Left over meatballs, broccoli, oranges

D:  Beans, roasted squash & onions, green salad

My BLF Master Mind Group this morning was supportive as usual, and as usual we learn so many things from each other and about the common parts we have with each other. Today we explored that piece of our authentic selves that gets squashed in our youth; being told we are too loud, or selfish, or inappropriate. Families everywhere do this to their children, maybe not on purpose, but it does happen. Part of it is the survival instinct I think, but most of it is learned behavior from our own childhoods. I myself have said many times, "Use your inside voice, please." This to both my children and grandchildren. How stifling! Family criticisms can be harsh, and I am thankful that my childhood was free of at least that. It wasn't until later I ran across the squashing of my authentic self. But that's another story for another time.

My come away from our meeting is to be more open to letting the grandkids be themselves, and not be so judgmental and censoring. Because they are actually pretty awesome just the way they are, after all.

Enough of Self care for the day, now to do some housekeeping! I always want the house to feel clean and pretty at Christmas, so it's time to get to the physical part of the day.

"...a little better, all the time." the beatles

Taking a note from myself, I added ground flax to my oatmeal this morning (which was delicious) and spinach to my salad at dinner. These have been tried and true friends in the past so I am turning to them in hopes of raising both my mood and energy level. 

Today's Food:

B: Rolled oats, tart cherries (canned & packed in water) & one date, almonds

L:  Black eyed peas, roasted veggies, turkey gravy

D:  Chopped salad with romaine, spinach, cauliflower, green onions, blue cheese, garbanzos and an ounce of sausage left over from dinner last night, bleu cheese dressing,  potato & pineapple.

I will pick up more canned fruit in water the next time I am out for groceries; the cherries were so delicious and I have visions of pears & peaches with oatmeal or rice cereal in the near future.

I do like mixing my proteins when tossing up a large salad, and splurging on some potato for the veg since the salad is a lighter calorie meal. I'm feeling good about my food, and only had a bite of sausage at my midnight snack yesterday. Flour & Sugar lines are Bright, if meals & quantities are a little wobbly. It's a big step in the right direction.

Today we took C to the drive through for his Covid test and we go for labs tomorrow. I am already thinking about the cup of decaf I may purchase when getting C's hash browns on the way home from hospital. I suppose that means the coffee is too 'sexy' and I should just abstain, but no promises. I think trying to be too perfect is what helped lead me to where I am right now, so instead I will do as I did in the beginning of this BLE journey and just make the best decision I can in the moment. Usually a Day at a Time is sufficient, but sometimes it's a meal at a time, or even a moment at a time.

I have been better about making healthier choices during the day, opting for beans more often than meat, and nuts sometimes instead of cheese. The path may have been a little rocky lately, but at least I still have the confidence that it is leading me in the right direction. And I can still take off one of my rings that has been stuck for years, so things are probably not as dire and I may have thought yesterday or the day before.

Heading to bed tonight I am enjoying a lighter heart, even if the Raiders did lose. Prior to that I was laughing while watching the Arthur Christmas movie, and it felt good - even while feeling a little sad that I don't laugh more often, I just enjoyed the moment.

And really, that has been the whole day, finding myself enjoying being with family, enjoying my Bright meals, and feeling comfortable in my own skin for a change. And on that note I leave to bed.

A little Better

 It was a quiet, ordinary, day with the exception of a transitional moment that has somehow brought me back around to a more calm state. C and I were taking a walk, and had stopped at the local 'tot-lot' to play. "What would you like today, Grama?" "How about a hot pastrami sandwich?" I replied. "Would you like cheese with that?" He asked very concerned and polite. "No thank you, just mustard and pickles please."

Playing restaurant is a long time favorite, and we both knew our roles well. Afterwards we continued our walk as part of a never ending search for 'his' cat. We had run across what I guess to be a stray last Summer, and he was very enamored of the scruffy little thing who had rubbed up against his legs and meowed pitifully for attention. We've seen him/her a couple of other times, but today was not one of those days. As we started back home C once again wanted to stop and play on the slide, but I was wearing boots instead of my usual flat tennies, and had both a hip and a knee that were painful. And I was hungry, it was past my lunch time. I went from loving Grama to witch in about a second flat. "No, we can't stop to play, I need to get home and have lunch." 

Realizing my temperament was a little out of control, I questioned the level of anxiety I was feeling. My chest and abdomen felt hollow, vacant. And I stopped walking. C went to play on the slide and I stood there and let myself feel whatever it was my body was trying to express instead of running home. I simply stood there and just breathed through it until my mind was calm and my body had discharged the anxiety.

Analyzing what led up to this moment I realized I had been thinking about the pain, and how I was never going to be the senior archer I had once dreamed of being. That here I was old and feeling decrepit instead of strong and healthy. Not new thoughts, but an old story that I apparently tell myself when I am feeling down. And as we know, thoughts are things. This is why I have walked around with ear buds filling my head with stories for the past fourteen years - to keep out the negative thoughts. But I need to pay attention to C when we are walking and can't do that, and so the thoughts wheedle their way in.

But I have learned a thing or two this past year, and learning that feelings aren't the stories we tell ourselves but rather the sensations in our body, well knowing this gave me the pause I needed to stop, and breathe, and let myself feel.  And feeling gave me some measure of release that was unrelated to food for a change. 

So still a little sad, 'tis the season after all, but no longer in the depths of despair. We finished our walk in good spirits and had lunch once back at home. Well, I did, C's appetite is not good today. A banana and chocolate covered raisins was his fare.

Today's Food:

B:    Oatmeal, tart cherries & one medjool date, almonds

L:     Veggie, lentil stoup, apple

D:     Pork, roasted veggies, green salad with lots of broccoli, bleu cheese dressing

I'm off work tonight, time to go see what the family is up to this evening.

The Struggle continues

How have three days gone by since I sat to complain? At least that is what it feels like, that once again I am just here to complain about my failures, so my incentive to write anything is low. Very low. The idea of listing my broken lines is exhausting, and suffice it to day my days are still Bright while my nights are not.

I stepped on the scale to weigh myself this morning, fearing the worst and hoping to see a number that would scare me back on the straight and Narrow. Lo Battery. That's what I got instead of a number. Was it a sign to stop weighing? Confirmation that I am focusing on the wrong thing?

I posted in my Bright Line Facebook house that I am in need of support, that I am tired of maintaining my weight loss and need some encouragement. I expect that when I sign on later there will be a few 'you got this' comments that will mean practically nothing to me - no one really speaks truth to power there, it's all rainbows and lemon drops so to say. Well, not lemon drops, but you get the drift.

I spent some time this morning portioning out roasted butternut squash and onions; I'll pair them up with some black eyed peas that are bubbling away on the stove and have another couple of meals to store away in the fridge. It kills me that I spend the time to eat right just to screw it all away by eating extra in the middle of the night. All the tools I have get pushed aside one I wake and find myself in the kitchen. It's really exhausting, mentally and physically, and sends me right back to the old sick and tired of being sick and tired infinity loop.

I'm trying to figure out when this happened, this downward spiral, and what instigated it. I have added anti-oxidants and vitamin D to my daily regimen in an effort to counter. I guess what I really need to add are the old tried and trues of flax and spinach. I will try to find the gumption to make that happen soon.

I will. 

BIG SIGH

This morning was good, the afternoon exhausting, and the evening a fail.

Today's Food:

B: Christmas pudding

L: Veggie/lentil stoup, banana

D: Taco Bell steak burrito bowl, no rice

Snack: three small squares of Little Caesar's pepperoni pizza 

We left about a quarter to noon for the car dealership, and six long hours later my daughter drove home  their new Hyundai. About 4:30 while waiting for the car to arrive from another dealership we drove through and picked up burrito bowls from Taco Bell. No rice, extra tomatoes and lettuce. We had intended to pick up protein burgers from In N Out but they are next door to Chick Filet or something and the line of cars was incredibly long. The sizing was right on our salads, but after so many home cooked meals we found it rather tasteless - and they forgot to pack the hot sauce. Getting home a bit before R, I walked into the house, put my things away, and went to the kitchen to make tea. I had been cold all day, and wanted a hot drink. Two large pizza boxes were sitting on the stove. I tried ignoring them, put the kettle on, and went to change into my jammies. The family left for a test drive in the car and there I was; alone, tired, grumpy, not satisfied with our crappy little dinner, and the drug of choice (sort of) right there in front of me for the taking.

I am not a strong person. I am just glad I stopped at three squares (not large) and have since packed up the leftovers and requested they be taken out to the garage refrigerator overnight. At least I am trying to mitigate the damage. I should have just picked up the boxes right away and taken them out of sight.

So a little irritated, disgruntled, all in all mildly pissed off at the whole thing. Tomorrow morning I need to go to the office and get some work done, then I am planning on getting home in time to put a roast in for Sunday dinner. Pork roast, with brussels sprouts, carrots, onions, and a few red potatoes. Yum, and there should be some left over for a few meals. I also have some knockwurst type sausage in the fridge, lentils, and frozen veggies enough to pack up another four meals; enough lunches and dinners to get me through to Wednesday I think. 

I may make oatmeal in the morning before I leave, then drive through for a cup of decaf coffee on the way to work. In fact, I'll go soak some oats now so they are ready to warm up in the morning, thereby reducing the risk of getting anything other than coffee when I drive through. Just because today wasn't Bright doesn't mean tomorrow can't be.

What a horrible thing food addiction is. Just horrible. It may not have the same type of consequences as other addictions, but still soul crushing and life stealing.

I'm going to bed.

Christmas Pudding

For Thanksgiving we had yam pudding for breakfast, and I love it. It's like having the pie we skipped for dessert. This morning I intended to make some pumpkin bread for C to use up the can of pumpkin that's been in the cupboard for awhile (more on that later) when I decided to look up my old pumpkin pudding recipe. Mulling it over, I realized I was never as happy with the pumpkin pudding as it didn't have the rich texture I love in the yam pudding. The Light Went On!  The grain was always a challenge with the batches of pumpkin, switching back and forth, trying different cereals, and viola! Use yams for the grain! BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! Usually I skip the fruit on mornings I have pudding, and now it's part of the recipe.

(2) Fruit    12oz prepared pumpkin (I used the whole 15oz can)

(1) Protein    2 eggs

(1) Protein    8oz half n half - I meant to use half milk but the carton was dated yesterday on the cream

(2) Grain    8oz yams

Pumpkin Pie spice plus lots of extra ground Ginger

So, the yams I used were from the left over mix we had prepared for the sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving. So yes, there was some brown sugar in it. But proportionately, this still puts sugar down past the 3rd ingredient in the recipe, making it acceptable. And I didn't use any dates as I normally do in yam pudding.

This made two huge servings, and they are sitting in the fridge in their Pyrex bowls waiting to be baked off in the morning. I'm thinking of it as the season's Gingerbread substitute; all the flavor with none of the flour and just minimal sugar. As I am a savory food addict rather than a sweet one, this shouldn't be a trigger for me. So Just as I think of the yam pudding as a pumpkin pie replacement, this will be my gingerbread replacement. Not wanting to confuse the issue of whether it's a bread knockoff, I am calling this my Christmas pudding.

And by the way, I did not eat in the middle of the night last night. Better than that, when I couldn't sleep and the thought crossed my mind that normally I would get a snack, I was able to brush the thought aside without any fighting or drama. There was no compulsion. And I am wondering if this is what happened; called for support, felt encouraged, cleaned out the cupboard, removed temptation, had a Bright Night.

Now I get to go highlight a little box in my paper journal for the first time in 20 days. Almost three weeks. 'Three weeks lost' came immediately to mind, but they were not lost, they were another learning experience. I hear it all the time - reach out for support - but my isolator usually keeps me small and quiet, and alone. I feel like this was a battle won, and I am grateful to feel the relief and strength that comes from having had a Bright night.

I am adding a Bright Line Support label so I can search back and be reminded of what Self Care really looks like - it's not really all about 'self' at all.

A little Bright, a little Dim

Last night driving to the office I called a friend from my Master Mind group for support. This is the first time I have reached out with the intention of support for a long time, and it was good to hear a friendly voice who had encouraging things to say. She had listened to the same vlog I had, and reminded me it's better to be a little sad now than a lot sad later (post eating.) I did make it to work and back without driving through for anything, and it wasn't until much later lying in bed that the compulsion to eat overcame me and I ended up consuming a lot of dried mango.

In an effort to support myself, today I moved all of the nuts and dried fruit out of the pantry and into the garage. No one here besides me is eating them anyway, so they just shouldn't be in the house.

It was a good day; C and i made pizza from play dough, played games, and read a little. He is so silly - he wanted to camp out in a large cardboard box and ended up taking his nap there.  I worked on some decorations for the office while C was napping, and my meals were Bright all day as usual. The last two days I have been making chopped salads for lunch and eating my evening portion of veggies all cooked. The veggie, lentil soup is delicious with an ounce of cream cheese in it for my fat serving - a very stroganoff vibe and very satisfying to have a big bowl of mostly vegetables.

I need to be up early for groceries tomorrow, I think, I haven't taken stock of what arrived from Imperfect Produce today as the delivery was so late. We are always running out of apples, bananas, cauliflower, green onions & lettuce. And of course milk, Cal drinks so much of it, as do his sister and father. R and I have spoken briefly of weaning C off of it once his Chemo is over, it's so carcinogenic. But we can tell that it's soothing on his stomach. I have started keeping chocolate almond milk in the house for a break, and he loves it. I'll pick up some vanilla the next time I'm shopping and hopefully it's also a hit.

My feet are so cold, and while I could go find my slippers, I think I will turn in and start warming the bed.

I am so grateful that warmth is just a few feet away, how I wish it were so for everyone.

Depression

I am familiar with depression descending slowly, a light fog gradually deepening in colour and density until my psyche has been cloaked over so completely I am walking around unaware of any joy. It can take weeks or months until a ray of sunshine breaks through and makes me aware of my circumstances.

But this morning I woke with depression draped around me intact and all consuming, a weight I could not ignore. I know that this day I will have to put one foot forward after another and pretend for some short while that everything is okay.

And it will be.

Another night, another chance to be Bright

This morning I made a batch of rice and prepared two containers of what is arguably my new favorite breakfast.

3oz refried beans

4oz rice

2oz chunky salsa

1oz shredded cheese 

A couple of minutes in the microwave and I'll have a warm, cheesy, spicy, delicious meal to start the day. Or a couple of days. I know I'm supposed to be neutral around food, but I do enjoy looking forward to something yummy.

Today has been good, nothing spectacular, just the usual chores, a walk with C on a beautiful sunny, breezy day, and three Bright Line meals under my belt.

B: Cream Cheese, Triscuits, banana

L: Chopped salad w\ garbanzo beans, parmesan cheese, artichoke hearts, cauliflower & blue cheese dressing, apple

D: veggie\lentil\steak stoup, the last red pepper from the garden & baby carrots dipped in Ranch dressing

I am hopeful for a Bright night, my emotions are in a good place and I've been pretty level headed today.  I'm still more tired than I feel I should be, and it was really hard working this evening. I gave up early (again) and joined the girls in some Animal Crossings. Silly, but relaxing. I am hoping the vitamin D I started taking last week will help, as well as the new OPC's I'm taking for inflammation - one from Orenda and one from my daughter's work, Shaklee.

One would think that the amount of pain I am in would be motivation enough to stay Bright at night. There are so many testimonies from other overweight people who lost the pain as they lost the weight. I want that to be my story too, and I am so close to being able to see that in my future. They say we are curious when in our authentic self, and I definitely want to know what is stopping me. There are the obvious answers about keeping on this fat suit so I can hide from the world. But what about the part of me that wants so badly to be healthy and fit and able to care for myself and my family. What about that part; why isn't she stronger? I really want to know.

A Bright Day, and a dim night

I am still mulling over my IFS session, and trying to keep the new part present enough to engage her. This is easy during the day as a conscious decision, but at night when I need to do my parts work with her it's easier said than done. And come to think of it, she doesn't really have the 'I don't care'  attitude I wanted to address in my session. Perhaps it was another part, a different protector I made contact with.

I have to believe that I am making progress, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Not really evidence, just small signs that I am still not losing weight despite my efforts to not eat at night. G from my Master Mind Group offered up a You Tube talk on night time eating that I will search out today; something about our left and right brain and how it's not my 'fault'. I could use some encouragement along those lines. But worse case scenario I am not binging, and at least maintaining my loss. Mostly. Within reason given how our bodies can fluctuate. No, I have not weighed myself since the 1st, I'm just going by how my clothes feel and how I look.

I tried to take a picture of  myself to post on Friday with a before picture, but I looked so old and saggy and tired I deleted the photo. I'll need to wait for a 'good' day when I have slept well and don't look so paunchy. Like it matters, I'm such a piece of work!

Today's Food:

B: Cheese, Triscuits, banana

L: Deviled eggs, left over soup veggies (brussels sprouts, carrots, onions, celery)

D: Chili w/lots of peppers and onions, fresh tomato and chopped red onion

Back when I was eating for nutrition I would make myself a large chopped salad for lunch, and a veggie, bean stoup for dinner. At the time I would add rice or a little pasta to the soup to round it out, and once I am truly at a place where I am supposed to be maintaining my weight I will be able to do that again. The pasta won't be grain though - it will come from beans or lentils - to keep the meal Bright. The initial reason I stopped eating that way was because I went back to work and didn't have time to do the food prep. Then of course came the fast food and bread and pastries associated with my new jobs and down the rabbit hole of addiction I went.

But now I am working from home, and most days C naps giving me ample time for meal planning and food prep. Even, like today, the opportunity to run to the store for groceries. Maybe I should just go back to eating for nutrition while I follow my Bright Lines; that is the eventual goal anyway so why not now? I've been leaning that way for a while, I think I just need to adjust my focus a little and get on with it.

===============

A peanut butter sandwich later I am not sure exactly what happened. I was lying there watching the end of  yet another Christmas movie when my stomach started rumbling. I started thinking about having not eaten for six hours, and the next thing I knew I was back in my 'I don't care' mode. This is how we know we are made up of different parts; one cannot want and not want the same thing - it takes two to have an argument. I was obviously bored, and while tired not yet sleepy, and frankly just not interested in the myriad of tasks that could keep me busy. We got a lot done today; I went shopping at lunch for ingredients to make Chili for dinner. The new rug arrived for the living room so there was vacuuming and mopping to do as well as pushing around heavy furniture and dragging the old rug out and the new one in. The old one is now in the garage to help warm up M's new office space, and the new one, while a lighter grey than it appeared to be on my computer screen, is still pretty and doing a great job of making the couch look worn. 

But I'm just rambling, and tonight I do feel the guilt of having gone off plan. I have heard before that we sometimes have to wait for that right moment to jump back in, but I am seriously tired of waiting for the magic to come back. I know at the least that I will have another Bright Line day tomorrow, it just sucks that I can't also know that I will have a Bright Line night.

Soup's On

I began the soup horribly by sautéing a big batch of chopped red and white onions in some bacon grease. While they were simmering away (slowly for more flavour) I cleaned and halved a bag of Brussels sprouts, and chopped a bunch of carrots along with what celery was left in the fridge including the leafy hearts that I save for soup. Once that was done I poured the veggies into the pot with the onions, added a large 32oz can of diced tomatoes, then supplemented with three small bay leaves, poultry seasoning, and seasoned salt. As you can see, I have compensated for the bacon grease with lots of cruciferous veggies. Or so I tell myself.

Separately I cooked a batch of crimson lentils. Once the veggie soup is done, I can prep meals by adding in the lentils and some sausage for the protein, weighing them out separately to split the protein in each meal. I know I should be going vegetarian by now, and I will get there eventually, but no guilt surrounds my tardiness to achieving better nutrition.

Earlier this morning I sorted through yet another bag of stuff brought in from the garage, and this afternoon I will spend some time ripping through sensitive material on old tax returns. I've already toted two grocery bags of paper out to the recycling bin, and feel good about the progress. Yesterday the items we left for free on the driveway have been mostly picked through and left the premises; while I missed it R said it was fun watching the kids finding things they could take away with them. It just feels better to think our stuff has found a new home and not just gone to the garbage dump, although some of it will eventually end up there.

I must admit I still have two tubs in my room left to go through, but any progress is good and gets me closer to a clean room for Christmas.

Today's Food:

B: Refried beans & cheese, rice & Salsa, green grapes

L: Meatballs, corn, parmesan cheese, apple

D: Veggie soup w/ lentils & sausage, green salad

BLF: Breaking the ice with a new part

Trailhead: eating in the middle of the night.

I couldn't visualize this part that is so adamant about eating at night. She is strong and brooks no argument when it's time to head to the kitchen and hunt down something, anything, to eat. Today in an IFS session I was able to give a face to that part; at the beginning of the session she is just a figure, with a dark flowing cape swirling around her that creates a barrier that I can't cross.  During the visualization she finally takes back her hood to reveal she is about 13, with a bad case of acne. She remains a closed book, communicating nothing, but emanating strength.  The memory comes of creeping up the wooden stairs in the middle of the night, avoiding the places that squeak, to sneak something out of the fridge. Specifically I can see and almost taste the slices of roast beef and cheddar cheese that I loved eating together, alone in the night, in the kitchen on Lemoyne Street where I spent winters growing up.

The session evolved, with her sitting down across the kitchen table from me in front of our big beautiful picture window that looked down over downtown LA to the South and Mt. Baldy to the North. The place I sat was a 'safe' place in my memories, where my Aunt B would sit reading and eating her supper while the rest of the family did the same downstairs in the living room. My Aunt was ten years younger than my Mother, and looking back I can't blame her for wanting to distance herself. But back to my session. We sat across from one another, admiring the view together, but she wouldn't talk to me. Instead she wanted to put up the Christmas Star in the window - a favorite childhood tradition- and doing that together she finally started letting down her guard, and her energy began to wane.

We didn't talk, but she agreed in other ways that this was a beginning, and that she could met me here at the table another time. At the beginning of the session I was so angry with her for being the part who wanted to eat, and at the end I was letting her know that while I may be mad, I do love her and want to understand why she needs so desperately to eat. The feeling I had was that she just needed to be upstairs, that she wasn't safe downstairs. Given my history of being molested that is not surprising, but what is surprising is that I have no memory of being abused in that particular house.

My inclination at first was to worry about that detail, but my beautiful MasterMind group reminded me that it's okay to go slow, and not remembering isn't a bad thing, it's just part of the process.

I realized at the end of the session that the girl had aged a little, and that her complexion had cleared up. I sort of overlayed her image with a young Stevie Nicks in one of her concert costumes. I think I did it to one, distance myself from her a little, and two, be able to recreate the image so I have something to focus on tonight should the unwelcome urge to eat appear.

Because now I have a beginning, a place to meet this part and hopefully develop a relationship that will result in her not badgering me to eat. Wouldn't that be wonderful.

My team reminds me to ease up on being self-critical, and I will try to take that to heart. I think I am getting better at forgiving myself, and being kinder towards my younger self and the things that happened, that she let happen. It's all a work in progress. I, am just a work in progress, even at this late date in the game.

Today's Food:

B: Cheese, Triscuits, green grapes

L:  Cheese burger, fries, decaf coffee with cream

D:  Black and Blue salad with carrots, green onions & artichoke hears, yam skin

I know yam skin sounds strange, but it was left over from making yam pudding, and it's so delicious I saved it for a dinner one night. Tonight was that night, and I'm glad I saved it. Being a penny pincher does come in handy sometimes.

Time to relax and play a game, enjoy the warmth of a small fire, and reflect on the gifts of the day.

Food Chatter

I realized today that my food chatter is out of control, and that trying to commit my food here the day before isn't working all that well for me. I'm going back to committing to eat Bright Line meals, and just make sure I have selections prepped and in the fridge ready to go; that has served me well in the past.  I just don't remember what I've written down, and then I sign on to see, and then I realize I haven't prepped as I should have, and end up eating something different after shuffling through the fridge and spending too much time throwing together a meal. Too crazy, and defeating the purpose of committing the food.

The fridge is finally fixed and I will be able to do some batch cooking this weekend. For dinner tonight I made a beautiful bowl of vegetable\turkey\bean soup. I used refried beans, which gave a 'minestrone' feel to the soup, and loaded it up with greens; zucchini, kale, and spinach. It was delicious, having turkey stock in the fridge is wonderful. There are left over meatballs for dinner tomorrow, and I'll pack lunch to take to the office with me - probably a black bean burger and corn - then I can cook on Sunday for the next three days as I used to do.

Since trying really hard has done me no service, I am really focusing on keeping it simple and staying calm. I splurged and had a cup of real tea this morning, and like a true addict I wanted another cup this afternoon, but I didn't want to start down that slippery slope so drank sparkling water instead. Tonight's chamomile tea is steeping as I type, and I am about ready to find a movie and enjoy a hot cup.

First I am taking a moment to luxuriate in the knowledge that tomorrow is Saturday, and even if I am going in to the office for a half day I get to do it on my terms. It will be good to take a short ride without too much traffic, and get out of the house for a bit. Which reminds me, we have some work to do here at the house in the morning, prepping to get rid of the stuff we pulled out of the garage last weekend. Rats, but there is my incentive to climb into bed.

Tonight I am grateful the kids put up the outside Christmas lights.

Calm, Cool, and Collected

I'm feeling all of the usual things heading to bed; glad to have had a Bright day, and planning on having a Bright night. On my mind this evening:

    Focusing on completing small daily tasks, like fasting between 4pm & 7am.

    Pick  my sad; better to be a little sad at denying myself a snack than suffer a large sad in the morning.

    What I want for my life is ultimately more important than what I want at midnight.

    Be curious, strike up a conversation with the part that wants to eat.

    Remember the body heals while fasting.

    It will get easier, just push through tonight and tomorrow night will be easier.

    The night after tomorrow will be easier still.

    I am worth it.

    I am calm, cool, and collected. 

    I have had exactly enough fuel today.

    I am tired of being a glutton.

    I want to be pain free.

    I want to feel strong again.

    I want to hold my head up even if there is no one to see or know except my own true self.

Dear Holy Spirit, lie with me tonight and hold my hand tight. Give me the strength to stay in bed, and not wander from my chosen path. Amen. 

I am grateful tonight for my hot shower, grateful for Google helping M to fix the fridge, and grateful for the sound of my daughter reading to my grandchildren in the next bedroom. I am so blessed.

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Rice & Beans, grapes

L:  Turkey stoup, apple

D:  Chopped green salad, blue cheese & pecans

Not quite a binge

I understand a little about yin and yang, I just don't understand why it has to apply to me in this particular situation. Just because yesterday I was determined to stick to my Bright Lines shouldn't mean that I have to go overboard to prove I won't. It's just ridiculous. It started last night when I ate three, count them three, Kashi bars that were in the cupboard. They've been there probably at least two month without me giving them a thought, but last night I had to eat. And it didn't stop there, because what I really wanted was a peanut butter sandwich but was too lazy to make it. But somehow after eating the bars I managed to make and eat one anyway.

Continuing on into today, I ate a couple of pancrepes (thin pancakes), one rolled up with Nutella and the other with peanut butter after making them for C this morning. For Christ's sake what is going on in my little pea brain. Well, I know what's going on, a direct and opposite reaction to my determination. I feel back on track now, having had Bright meals for lunch and dinner, but who knows. One would think I would know, but apparently not. And while this feels like a binge, it's so much less than what an actual binge could be I am not wanting to slap that particular label on my derailing. but really it's just a little humiliating, and that is one feeling I could do without.

The mystery I am trying to solve is why this part of me that needs to eat can be so strong. Why am I still rebelling against what is only to my benefit to pursue? Crazy, just plain crazy.

In Susan's vlog today she relayed something that made great sense, and the sentence that struck home this evening was, "I'm not going to give up what I want most, for what I think I want right now." Another great sentence was, "I don't want the global sad that comes with the life of obesity."

So staying calm, not being too angry with myself, and looking forward to doing better tonight and tomorrow. 

I baked off some meatballs, cabbage and onions this afternoon so I have a break from turkey each day for the rest of the week. The meatballs were full of onion, zucchini and spinach; the greens just add so much flavor and moistness. This weekend I want to use some turkey stock to make split pea soup or lentil soup; traditionally this happens every year and I'm ready for something different.

The fridge still hasn't been repaired, and none of us are too happy about it; hopefully tomorrow the magic will happen. In the meantime, hiking out to the detached garage when it's 36 degrees out does delay eating breakfast in the mornings. Not that it makes a difference, I'm still hungry for lunch before noon.

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Rice & beans, apple

L: Meatballs, roasted veg, banana

D: Turkey & bean stoup with loads of veggies

I love that I can trade off having a cold green salad for more cooked veggies, and enjoy a hearty soup for dinner. That was my go-to the years I was eating for nutrition and losing weight, it just feels right.

So no big proclamations about how well I am going to do, instead I will just look at one meal at a time until I am confident enough to look at one day at a time again. And I will chant my two new mantras from above so that going to bed I have positive thoughts driving away any part of me that might think otherwise.

Bright Line Eating; reality check

I made the decision to only weigh on the first of each month, and this morning was that day. I have gained 2 pounds, and have had to once again take a closer look at what bright lines are, what commitment and surrender mean, and why I haven't been able to sit all the way down. Because I am only 'sort of' doing Bright Line Eating, and have been basically maintaining for months. I need to accept that if I am ever going to start losing again I need to actually follow the plan. Dolt!!

I am committing here that for today I will eat only and exactly what is on plan, including weighing and measuring both fat and condiments. I know that if I do this every day for a week those two pounds will be gone. I know that if I do this every day for a month I will break the 200 pound barrier by the time I weigh in on 1/1/21. I have to stop pretending that tapioca starch isn't a flour, and that gravy is a condiment. "But why is the gravy gone??!!" I do love Jack Sparrow.

These are the things I will contemplate as C and I head out for a walk on a beautifully crisp sunny Autumn day.

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It was a good day; our walk was fun and we came home with lots of pretty little pine cones. Then we made spaghetti and meatballs from playdough, had lunch, and he went down for a late nap. I went to the dentist to finish up the seal from my root canal a couple of weeks ago; so far so good but they will re-check me every six months to make sure the bone is regenerating around the root. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?

I didn't get around to much food prep today, just roasted some acorn squash for R, so I think I will do that tomorrow in time to have turkey soup for lunch. If the timing doesn't work out I'll just swap out lunch and dinner.

Tomorrow's Food:

B:  Oatmeal, blueberries, peanut butter

L: Turkey vegetable soup, banana or apple, whatever is left

D:  Sausage & Beans, stewed tomatoes

I just realized I should probably get up early to go pick up fruit from the store first thing in the morning. With three of us eating a banana each day they go fast. And I always feel cheated if I don't have an apple to eat.

I've been Bright all day, and measured my salad dressing as promised, and I'm a little hungry heading into bedtime. But that is usual, which is weird. How can I feel hungry so often and not be losing weight??? Anyway, there will be no snacking tonight, and I can mark off another Bright day in my paper journal tomorrow morning.

Just checking in

Yay, the day is over. Well, mostly. It was nice out, for all that we spent our time indoors. C went to get his cast off, and is now in just a brace for a couple of weeks. The paper trees have been arranged in the living and dining rooms to complete those decorations. The usual assortment of laundry and dishes were processed according to need, and I even took a nap this afternoon while C was down for his. I guess I need to figure out why I am not sleeping well, or why I wake up so early some mornings. Because starting the day before 4am makes for a very tired girl.

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Cheese, Triscuits, banana

L:  Turkey, corn, apple

D:  Sausage & Beans, stewed veggies, green salad

I only have two meals prepped in the fridge - which is still in the garage as the part for repair hasn't come in yet. But there is still lots of turkey, meat and stock, and I think I will make another batch of stoup it was so good. And there is some spicy chicken sausage to use up, I think I'll just weigh it out with some black eyed peas and the last of the roasted veggies from last week and call it a day. After a year of preparing Bright Line meals, it's so easy to just throw something together.

Thinking about signing off and turning on the tv, I realize that I might be burning out on Hallmark movies early this year, but that's okay, I'll just start browsing for a new audio book. I wish I could actually hold a book without aggravating my old back injury;  I would start re-reading all of the old Christmas paperbacks I have in the garage. Another box that should go; I really need to start listing things online!

Off to check on what the family is doing before I close up shop for the night.

Christmas décor and lots of Turkey

It's been a productive day, with tubs and trunks of Christmas coming in from the garage and their contents taking up residence for a month or so. The tree is stunning, with an elevated train half way up the trunk, and taller than any tree before in this house. Maybe surprising given the vaulted ceiling in the living room, but not so surprising given the finances of the past 35 years or so. It's a long time to basically live paycheck to paycheck, but I will not be whining just now.

We unpacked the dozen or so buildings in the Dickens Village and  have decorated the mantle, the shelf above the TV, and the buffet, adding lots of trees, pinecones, and an assortment of characters and animals. It's all very fun, if exhausting, and tomorrow the paper trees go up to make our annual Christmas tree forest.

We didn't manage to get the outside lights up as so many others did in the neighborhood, but it felt more important to get the inside done first this year.

Today's Food:

B: Oatmeal, blueberries, peanut butter

L: Turkey sandwich on Ezekiel bread, coleslaw

D: Vegetable Turkey soup, apple

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Oatmeal, blueberries, cream cheese

L: Vegetable (10oz) Turkey soup, apple

D: Sausage, beans, stewed tomatoes & spinach (10oz)

I'm thankful tonight that there is no pie in the house to tempt me, and that the fridge is in the garage so I don't have access to leftovers. That being said, I am hoping the repairman is coming tomorrow to fix the fridge. I'm looking forward to having room to do some batch cooking and having meals packed up in the fridge again.

Lord but I am tired.

Bio for a dog adoption

Eight years ago my daughter and her family moved in with me. At the time they had two Puggles and my companion was a miniature Dachshund.  Over the years all three dogs have passed, and the house has been abnormally quiet for a couple of years now. At the same time our household has increased by one as my granddaughter gained a little brother. The children are three and twelve, and both of them are longing for a dog. My granddaughter has a large heart, and part of the team that gives extra care to her brother who has been fighting Leukemia since just before he turned two. So while he is a typical three year old in many ways, he rests more often on and off during the day, and available for extra cuddle time.

At the moment we are all working from home, but once Covid is resolved both my daughter and her husband will be going back to work at their respective offices. I will stay home as the primary caregiver during the day to my grandchildren, and ultimately be responsible for any dog(s) we are lucky enough to bring into our home.

Our backyard is enclosed by redwood fencing, and has a large doghouse for times we need to leave the dogs untended during the day. Most of the time we expect our furry friends to be inside with us, and I expect a cozy dog bed will suffice for their sleeping quarters. We can set up a crate inside should the need arise, but we are hoping for a 'free reign' creature or two who wants to cuddle on the couch with us in the evenings.

We live by a golf course, as well as some protected habitats in the middle of suburbia, and there are many walking paths that we tend to take advantage of on a regular basis. Me in the mornings, and the family after work, so ample opportunities for the dogs to stretch their legs, weather permitting. 

We are searching for siblings, or a 'bonded pair', as there is plenty of love to go around and we don't want anyone to feel left out.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I came in to write about the wonderful turkey soup I just had for dinner. R made stock yesterday, and today we made soup. Using the last of the compound butter that was full of sage, rosemary & thyme, we sautéed the last of the box of prepped celery & onions, also infused with herbs. (You know the boxes they sell at the grocery store this time of year - best 'fast food' item ever.) We let them caramelize slowly over a low heat for about half an hour, then added the bowl of stock and scraped up any bits from the bottom of the pan. Next in went peas & corn from the freezer, freshly chopped carrots and cauliflower, some mushroom mix, and freshly ground pepper. It simmered for about half an hour after coming to the boil, and while that was going on I prepped the turkey meat, saving bones for another round of stock, chopping a blend of light and dark meat, and packing up a container of sliced breast for sandwiches.

Once the soup was done it was easy to weigh out my four ounces of turkey into a bowl, then use a slotted spoon to weigh out my six ounces of veggies. A few ladles of broth and I was ready to eat. Oh, and salt, it needed salt. Half way though my bowl I added in another six ounces of veggies instead of having a salad. That was my bad, it should have been eight ounces, but I'm way full and it was plenty of food. The best part is that there will be enough left over for lunch tomorrow. 

Tonight R is cooking a batch of rice for the family to add to their soup. Well, maybe not for C, he had a bit of an upset tummy after pounding down a bunch of pizza, a glass of milk, some scrambled egg, most of a tangerine, some apple juice...it was not pretty. Steroids week is always a little challenging. Let's just say there is laundry to do before R can make up their bed again, as that is where he was resting when he lost his lunch.

We also put up the tree today, and a beautiful one it is. We decided to go tall and skinny for a change, and it's so fun to fit more of our ornaments on it, and it feels wonderfully Christmassy in the living room now.

And now for the Ugly. R had sent me pics of her baby shower from March of 2017, thinking I might want to use one for my before picture. ARGHHHHHHHH!!! OMG, I had no idea. I mean, I knew I was fat, am still fat, but to see the pictures is rather disturbing. I'm 30 pounds or so lighter now, and I know I am not that person anymore, but holy cow.  I'll have to take a current picture so I can participate in a Face to Face Friday on the BLE official website. It's always inspirational to see before and after pictures, and I would like to participate so others can share in my success so far. I may get brave and even post it here. Maybe.

And I must say, that staying Bright right now, and knowing I am making progress, makes seeing those pictures a lot easier. I think I would drop into, 'the depths of despair' as Anne Shirley would say if I was still that heavy when seeing the pictures.

One more item on my mind. My Mastermind Group this morning. I helped facilitate an IFS session for a team member, and I am hoping I didn't flub it too badly. There is definitely a learning curve, but we seemed to make some progress in the form of her meeting one of her protectors. We learn so much from each other, having been brought to this place of food addiction by many of the same roads travelled. 

I'm still is a place of calm today, and happy with my food and activity. I'm trying to decide if I want to watch any of the Tyson fight - I don't think so. I have lots to keep me busy in my room this evening, and I really don't think I need to be subjected to the violence. Instead I'll take care of the task at hand, sorting through all of the paperwork and odds and ends that I cleaned out of my desk that was in the garage.

I'm counting this as another good day.

A Bright Line Turkey Day!

Last night I prepped the yam pudding, so this morning I just had to jet out to the garage to get the ceramic bowls of pudding to put in the oven. An hour later we had our 'pumpkin pie' for breakfast. 

The 24lb turkey has been washed and is air drying on a rack waiting to be stuffed with herbs and have a compound butter smooshed under it's skin. We haven't cooked a bird this large in more years than I can remember, but 'all donations are welcome!'

I cooked up cranberries this morning with a small yellow apple, 2 figs, & half a 'cutie' tangerine. Once blended it was still too tart, so I added some raw sugar. OMG, SUGAR! But only a little, and definitely fifth on the list of ingredients. Now cooling in the fridge it will jelly by dinner. This will be our fruit saved from breakfast so we can have it with the turkey at dinner.

So a productive morning on the way to a Bright Thanksgiving 💛

We had appetizers for lunch, sort of. Deviled egg, port wine cheese, an assortment of veggies and an apple. Then it was on to a Dinner of a Thousand Steps. I think I mentioned that the fridge broke and that we carted all of the food to a new fridge in the garage. So today it was back and forth, back and forth, between the kitchen and garage while we prepped for dinner.

Dinner was wonderful. We made corn bread dressing for the family, as well as a small yam casserole, and for us we made the veggie stuffing mix posted on the Bright Line resources board. There was a pot of mashed potatoes, and rich yummy homemade gravy using tapioca starch, and the bird was tasty. R and I weighed out our veggies and meat, then added cranberry sauce and gravy to taste. Everything was wonderful.

Then it was another dozen trips putting everything away in the garage. I packed up six Bright Line meals, and there is a lot of turkey left over for meal planning. Soup for sure is on my list, I'm really looking forward to that.

M had picked up pumpkin pie for their dessert, but having had our yam pudding for breakfast I am not a bit sad to skip that. I can feel my stomach is full, and really I don't feel like eating anything more today. In the past, we've all had sandwiches before bedtime having had dinner at around 4pm, but we ate at about six tonight, and there will be no leftovers until tomorrow.

Really it has been just another day of being thankful for all I have, except with gravy.

Persistence in the face of Sadness

A part of me was really determined yesterday to make me believe that none of this effort is worth it. That I am undeserving, and that 'Happy, Thin, and Free' is just a pipe dream, just the latest fail.  And the result of all that internal badgering was a handful of cookies, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Not anger at myself, or disappointment, just deep bone wrenching sadness. No, that's not right, it wasn't a violent feeling, rather a dampening of spirit, so not bone wrenching, more like having a woolen blanket thrown over me and slowly sinking under the weight of it. 

I dragged myself along all day, going through the motions so to say, and ended with having some bread & butter while I sat at my computer answering work emails and just putting in the required hours to earn my paycheck. After work I went to bed, and couldn't muster up the energy to pretend to fight the usual midnight cravings. But my B&B snack was before 7pm, and I didn't eat anything all night, so I am Bright so far today. The sadness has sort of dampened the voice that was badgering me yesterday, and I feel rather calm for a change. Calm is suppose to indicate authentic self, so maybe that's okay.

I remind myself this morning that I am taking antibiotics, and healing from an infection, and that even though I push the thoughts aside so as not to be overwhelmed, Joey is often on my mind as we approach Thanksgiving. A deep internal stressor that never quite abates.

My thoughts this morning are of being consistent, of making the next right choice, and having a Bright day. Because this sadness will pass, as it is always wont to do in the face of persistence. And somewhere inside this wreck of an old woman is still my own true self begging to be let out.

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It's been a Bright Day, and the calm center still remains. Even helping C eat pumpkin bread I was not tempted or distressed at not having any. Currently R&M are unpacking a new refrigerator in the driveway, because what better day for one's refrigerator to die than the eve of Thanksgiving. We were planning on a 2nd fridge for the garage anyway, and we'll be able to transfer the food out there while we wait on the repairman. Maybe Friday, but probably Saturday? At least there is no family coming and no stress about everything being at sixes and sevens while we accommodate the situation.

We have Bright Line meals planned for tomorrow, and I'm grateful for R's support. And I am so looking forward to making turkey soup over the weekend. We're making lots of veggies so we can pack up left over turkey dinners; both roasted butternut squash w\brussels sprouts and a cauliflower 'stuffing' casserole with all the holiday herbs. We're using Tapioca starch to make the gravy. Technically I guess this is still a flour, but it's a small amount, and once added to mashed potatoes definitely lower than 3rd on the list of ingredients.

I am grateful tonight that the kids had the means to go buy a new fridge on a moment's notice, I'm grateful our little family is together for Thanksgiving, and that my extended family continues to be healthy.

And yes, if thoughts are things, tonight will be Bright.

And the battle rages on

I know that there will always be days that are just harder than others. That's just life. But to be doing so well and then have a couple of days where I feel like I am fighting harder than ever just sucks. Nothing earth shattering, just a Monday and I am more tired than usual after working in the garage so much this weekend. And sitting around instead of doing chores because it's hard to get going is not good for me. I watch tv, I want to eat. Plain and simple.

And they ordered pizza for dinner. My daughter was smart and made her own BLE pizza dinner, a beautiful plate of sautéed onions, peppers & tomatoes topped with pepperoni & cheese and baked in the oven. I've done that before and it's delicious. But I eat earlier than the rest of the family since I need to get to work at 5pm, and I like the 15 hour fasting window I get eating at 7, 11, & 4 each day. So I guess it's good I wasn't hungry when the pizza arrived, and leaving to shut myself up in my bedroom to work.

But after eating pizza, they left for Target. All of them. Leaving me alone in the house with pizza; I assure you I did not eat any of it. But I thought about it, and I am worried it will plague me and maybe trigger me at some future date. But I will not worry about that now. I just need to be Bright today.

Last night we had take out from the local taqueria; fajitas with carnitas. So delicious. I weighed everything, and only had to add a small handful of cherry tomatoes to get my veggie weight up to 14oz. The left over beans and rice were breakfast this morning, a nice treat, and I am not going to think about the fat in the beans. I will not be a slave to this, and it's a such a rare occurrence I have take out with the family. If it was weekly, then I wouldn't do it. I don't think.

I am thankful C's treatment went well this morning, thankful for the warm sun that showed up and let me air out the house, and so glad I can go make a hot cuppa tea anytime I want. It's the small blessings that mean so much.

Setting the Stage for a Saboteur

1. Yesterday morning I had a cup of green tea, wanting a bit of a lift for the work we had planned to do in the garage. There was going to be lots of lifting, shifting and moving of heavy objects. I just wanted a little cup of ambition. But at the end of the day, caffeine stayed true to it's nature and instead of falling asleep by ten I was watching yet another Hallmark movie.

2. At some point yesterday my daughter mentioned she had noticed I was looking smaller.

3. I tried on three pairs of jeans I thought would fit, and they were all too baggy.

In retrospect I can see how these events aligned to create the perfect storm in my inner psyche, attracting the attention of my Saboteur. For anyone not in the know, this is one of my protectors - the one who wants me to eat so I won't ever have a smokin' hot body again, and thus prevent the inevitable 'bad thing' that's going to happen. But I am in the know, and I have tools to use in order to block the Saboteur from having their way.

But not last night. I did all of the above thinking this morning, After indulging in a bag of cashews. Now see, even that is wrong. I wasn't indulging, I was destroying, and maybe that is where I am right now. I just haven't been aware of this dynamic long enough to automatically identify the difference. Which sounds crazy, because of course eating half a bag of cashews is harmful. Mindlessly eating while watching a mindless movie; I believe I have referred to these holiday moves as my valium, and they truly are mind numbing at times. Although I do enjoy the beautiful homes that are often the setting.

But I digress.

Why wasn't I able to do my parts work and avoid breaking a bright line? What I really want to be focusing on each day is what I want now, and not be bogged down by some fear created by past mistakes and the resulting harm. I want to be so in tune with wanting to move better, breathe better, and just feel better in general that  I just float through the day, doing the right things, and not letting subliminal messages thwart me. Which of course doesn't work. Ignoring the impulse is what got me here, right? What I am trying to figure out this morning is why I didn't get curious last night, and try to engage with the part of me that walked into the kitchen to get the nuts. 

It wasn't midnight snacking either - I didn't do that. But there was another trigger involved, not just the three up top. The fourth trigger was that I was up later than the family for a change. And this meant that the kitchen was wide open for ransacking with no one to see, or know, what I was about. The subject comes up often in Bright Line conversations - this part that wants\needs to be alone to eat - and this is definitely a part of me I need to meet and love and heal. 

I'm not sure if it was the perfect storm scenario, or if there is a specific part I can hone in on to figure  out why I ate last night, so I am going to lock my door, put on the Bright Line Freedom meditation for the protector, and see if I can at least do an IFS session to get me closer to what was going on in this crazy brain of mine.

Maybe four Bright Line days & nights in a row was just too much for someone. We'll see.