As I was venting yesterday about my focus being right back on the food, I was a little discouraged to find myself in that oh so special place of whining about my failures. That's the reason I stopped writing before, tired of listening to myself and just wanting to be done with it. Waking up this morning I realized that my perspective had been a little skewed, probably reactionary, and driven my my inner rebel. Because I see now that it's not all about the food. I'm not tracking calories, or macro nutrients. I'm not playing the balance game between unhealthy and healthy choices. And I'm not constantly beating myself up about what I eat. While yes, I am spending what feels like an inordinate amount of time on thinking about what I am doing in order to slay my food dragon, it's not about the food. "That's handled" as Susan likes to say. It's about my self care, and monitoring the tools I've been handed. It's about making sure that every day I am supporting myself in a way that leads to freedom from my slavery to food, that leads to leaving behind this castle of a body that keeps me in and others out.
So this morning I looked at my nightly checkoff list a little differently, and added in a couple of things that are also vital to my self care each day. Taking my daily meds and using my Orenda products. I can't ever be too tired to skip those, and I have been. I can't ever think they aren't important, because they are. Until my bloodwork shows my doctor that I can reduce my thyroid medication, I need to take it regularly. Until my blood pressure registers normal, I have to keep taking that medication regularly. And my O'Tropin, I know that is so important to keep my HGH levels up so my cells are in maintenance mode and not declining. And my Immune, the daily detox I count on to rid my body of unwanted viruses and toxins and metals and environmental hormones. All of these things are important to me and my health, so they are on the list.
And wow, another realization. Thinking about Orenda it comes to me that my plan of sharing these products in my retirement, when I've lost weight, when I have the time, when whatever the excuse of the day is - well, it's just my isolator part keeping me down. Keeping me safe from interacting with others. It's not me planning for the future, and it's certainly not me being my authentic self. Because I love these products and want to share them with others. "How can I do that when I am not at my best?" That is the defining question that holds me back. That is another part of me, another protector we call the perfectionist, that wants to isolate in order to avoid pain. The pain of rejection by friends and strangers, the disappointment of family not trusting my instincts or supporting my efforts. The pain of feeling unworthy and not smart enough and gullible.
Susan is right, it's not just about losing the weight, it's about transforming your life. "Eating in black and white so you can live your life in colour."
Deep Breath. Small steps. Start with what you have; keep your Bright Lines, use your nightly check off list, stay connected with your master mind group. Good things are coming if I do the work. Dreams will happen if I do the work.
And I see the possibilities, and realize that hidden beneath all of the self doubt, I have started dreaming again.
Todays Food is planned and waiting in the fridge. Enough said. Well, almost enough. I am looking forward to my breakfast of potatoes, cheese & egg.
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