Despite all Appearances to the contrary, I am trying

Fall is here, the autumnal equinox marking the turn of the earth and way we face the sun as we continue our journey around and around and around. Going in circles is a way of life for us, our internal clocks set to a pattern outside of our control. And that is how I view my life sometimes, just repeating endless circles that go nowhere and eat up time as I wait for whatever is next because I have no control. That is the lie that I feel when I am down, when the dirty dishes stack up on the kitchen counter and the lawn hasn't been watered in months - the dry gold of it's dead expanse shining in the afternoon sun as it lay there lifeless, neglected beyond repair, a golden slap against my cheek every time I look out into the back yard and wonder why I let it go. Wonder why I have let everything go, the positive attitude that I had so carefully cultivated gone hiding, overwhelmed by the emotions that have crept in over the Summer. Slowly but surely snuffing out the bright little lights of optimism I had planted, sadness spreads like weeds darkening everything.

AND YET, I am trying. I am making my green smoothies in the morning, I am walking the dog almost everyday for 30 minutes, I am paying the bills with my ever dwindling IRA funds. But this is about keeping my head above water, and I need to look farther ahead than that. I need to quit treading water and get my feet out on the sand. And I will, in October I think. Because this month is just too hard. So I have given myself permission to grieve a little this week, and just as we know thoughts are things, as soon as I did that I was overwhelmed by emotions. But it is just a circle, and I know that letting myself feel the grief and sadness for a few days will leave me drained and empty and full of space that I can fill up with goals and plans and hard work to get on with things.

Tomorrow is Joey's birthday, the day he will never be 26, and for now I am not okay. Thank heavens it is just the way I feel at this moment, and I will not despair because I know I will wake up ready to greet life again in just a few days. I am trying.

National Senior Games :: A Gold Medal and More

I am so grateful for this sport of archery that I love, but that comes later in the story.

Standing in the Stanford Stadium early Saturday morning, looking out at the row of pristine targets, I was filled with gladness and high expectations. Archers were everywhere unpacking equipment, setting up chairs, lining up their spotting scopes; everyone seemingly imbued with the same festival atmosphere that I was feeling. There were low clouds and a bit of dampness in the air, but that was so much better than the small buffeting gusts of wind that had plagued us in practice on Friday that I welcomed the coolness of the morning snug in the comfort of my sweater. It wasn't to last long, the sun piercing through hot and bright just as we finished up our two practice ends at 60 yards, just in time to change my perspective and make the first official end really challenging in the changed light. I am sorry to say I didn't live up to that challenge, shooting five 9's and taking a blow to my confidence all in under four minutes. Speaking of which, we lost our '30 second flag girl' after the first couple of ends because as a group we weren't even coming close to the five minutes allotted for shooting each end; fine at the time but this would come back to bite me in the persistent winds at 40 yards later in the day. (One gentleman pointed out that there was this huge million dollar electric board in front of us that they could have used, but I'm guessing that's more than the tournament could afford.)

There were only three women in my 50 - 54 group, but they mixed us up alphabetically with the compound men; I started on target 1 and Harry was just next door at target 2 with my main competition. While I didn't have a stellar performance, I stayed focused on making good shots and trying to stay calm; for anyone who knows me you will understand how happy I was just to not shoot the wrong target at any point during the weekend! The wind picked up with each passing hour and the ends at 50 yards passed quickly. I shot my first 60 of the day and started to relax a little bit as we headed into the last round at 40 yards. I started and ended that round with 57's which pissed me off but oh well. Shooting at tournaments is so different than standing out on our practice range and being surrounded by beautiful trees and hearing jays and hawks crying out. But I tried very hard to bring my best to each shot, reminding myself over and over that I just need to make one good shot at a time. Isn't that what we all tell each other, what we all strive for in this game?

We all think we can shoot better than we do and I think that is a good thing, so it was okay that I came away from the first day a little disappointed with my scores but pleased to be up by 18 points heading into day two.

Sunday began much the same way as Saturday, except Mr. Sun made his appearance earlier so our eyes were accustomed to the light when the official ends began. Despite the better light my score at the end of 60 yards was worse than the day before and I was just a little irritated. There were only the three of us in our age group on our target that day, shooting against just our competition, and I felt the pressure. I knew I could come away with Gold if I could just stay consistent and not make any fool errors, but there is always that little voice that pesters me with doubt. Then at 40 yards the wind was pestering us all something awful. I would let down and wait for the gust to pass, pull back and aim, and get pushed by the wind yet again. Think about this for a moment, the flags at the targets could be streaming towards you, the flags mid-field pointing East, and still you could feel the wind at your back as you look up to the top of the stadium where the flags were whipping out to the West. Of course this is an extreme example, but the point is that there was no rhyme or reason to the gusts, they just sailed in over the edge of the stadium and came swooping down to play havoc before disappearing just as suddenly. So patience was the game, let down and wait knowing you would have a better shot in just a minute. It felt like we were pulling back twice for each arrow shot and those five minutes we had were getting eaten up pretty fast doing this; remember we had no 30 second timer so it became a little stressful. And then something wonderful happened. I looked around, and just felt the gratitude pouring up from my heart that I was here, that I was healthy and could shoot, that it was a beautiful day, and I realized that the wind was just a part of it all. I reached deep and used that energy to carry me through the rest of the round, really connecting with the target and able to 'feel' the magic that can come with aiming when you are really focused and truly just living in the moment.

This would be a good place to mention that Harry shot really well, breaking the record in his age group and coming away with Gold too. He had to really buckle down and finish with two perfect ends to do it, and I'm really proud of him. Final Scores: Harry - 1762, Me - 1710

Was it my best score? No. Was I happy with my shooting? Yes. Did my eyes tear up when they started playing the Olympic music? Of course. And when my competition leaned over from her place on the podium at Silver to whisper, "Lets raise our hands and wave like they do at the Olympics" I was all for it, smiling from ear to ear and feeling like a kid despite being just a silly 'young' woman at the Geezer Games as I raised my arms up and waved to the cheering crowd up in the stands.

Me and Kaylee on a morning walk

I love my morning walks with Kaylee. She runs off thrilled with all of the wonderful stink of the waterways, darting back to make sure I am still there then running off to follow yet another trail. This is her sniffing her way along the bottoms, where I am walking in a soft silt that is usually covered with water and reeds. We are in our 3rd or 4th year of 'drought' conditions here, leaving this special little niche for us to peruse at our leisure. And not just us, this circle is the handiwork of a dirt bike that has come to play and left a perfect donut - how fun it would have been to see that, I can just imagine. There are also figure 8's drawn nearby in the earth; what a good time they had. As I hike up out of the ravine the view at the top is breathtaking. So much so that I forgot to take a picture. Large majectic live oaks spreading green branches before the back drop of light golden hills that the sun has just reached for the first time that morning. It's been cloudy and the foothills beyond are still dark, but this one set of low hills just gleams a brilliant welcome and I reach my hands up high to the sky and stretch back in a yoga morning pose. Breathing deeply, feeling the softness of my stomach expand and contract a few times before the headiness of it all overwhelms me and vertigo sets in. Back up straight I take a few minutes to really absorb all I am seeing, taking the time to let it all sink in before heading back home, back across the asphalt to the tract homes. As I put Kaylee back on her leash and head home I am filled with the joy of this earth, this world, and so grateful that I am a part of it .

Cal Cup Archery Tournament

I am so happy with this beautiful little bowl! This is the 2nd place trophy I brought home from a weekend of shooting up in Sacramento. Two years ago my honey brought home his own 2nd place bowl, and last year he won his gold match for the 1st place bowl on the left in the next picture. These are hand made by an archer, and it feels so good to add my own bowl to our little collection. I love the wood, the colours, the shape, the pattern of it all - they are just wonderful. But I have to say that as much as I loved placing 2nd, it was the group of women I was shooting with that made my weekend so fun. Some good competition is always good for one's own performance, and their cheery attitude was a joy to be around.

There are only 3 weeks left until the National Senior games that we are training for, to be held in Palo Alto the first weekend in August. I have been shooting almost every day preparing for this event, and I know from the online listings of registrants that I will have some competition there. Only 3 of us so far, but that is better than winning by default because you are the only one in your age bracket! It's so ridiculous that I am even qualified to shoot in a 'senior' event, but the reality is that I am in my 50's. I still feel young in so many ways, and I know that if I would take the time to add some yoga to my exercise regime my stiff hips would loosen up - that is about the only time I feel my age, when I have been sitting for too long curled up and stand too quickly. I imagine that as I lose more weight that will help get rid of this particular problem too. But I digress. My archery has gone a long way to restoring my sanity this past year. I started shooting this past October, when I had to shoot if I was going to qualify for the upcoming games. But some small spark of my old competative nature took hold that day, and each passing month I have become more and more serious about my shooting. Letting my honey help me with my form, trying to listen and adjust to become a better shooter. All with the goal of shooting one good arrow at a time.

And I can't help but see the analagy of how this sums up how I want to live my life; one good moment at a time, leading to one good day at a time, and within those moments and days building back this life into a new healthier shape. I've never before felt like this was something I had any control over, this forming of a life, nor did I ever want control I think. It took me years to accept that I didn't have to have the same type of motivation and ambition that my siblings had, to learn that maybe it's better to just let leaves lay where they fell and live a life that was 'meant' to be. But I think I am doing a little poking around with a rake now, and making little decisions to tweak my path. I love the part of 'Eat Pray Love' where Liz (author Elizabeth Gilbert) is explaining to her friend that when she prays she asks for the strength and fortitude to accept whatever is coming her way. Her friend says something like, whatever gave you that crazy idea? You are a part of this world, a constituant, and you have the right to petition the universe for what you want! I just loved this, because like Liz, I just ever asked for the strength to 'accept what I cannot change and courage to accept the rest.' I think I picked that up from years of Alanon meeting living with alcoholics and addicts, but do I really believe in that particular prayer now? I don't think so. I think we DO have the right to ask for change, to have a say in our universe. So the tone and focus of my prayers have changed, I just need to say them more often ;)

How did I get from archery to prayer? I sometimes have to laugh at the way I meander all over the place, but I know we all do that. And between those two things was the mantra I used a dozen times over the course of the weekend to refocus and steady my breathing, "Hum Sa"(I am that (God)), giving me a place of calm to quiet my thoughts, and focus on the center of the target that was 70 meters away. To bring in oxygen to fee the muscles I needed to make one good shot after another. Not of course that they were all good. At the end of the first day I was down by 30 points to my main competition. But I beat my personal best score by 19 points I think, and at the end of the day I was only down 21 points from the State record. Definitely something to shoot for ;)

So that's where I've been, busy shooting and walking my little dog and even doing push ups to build my upper body strength for pulling arrows out of the target - sometimes a really hard thing to do! I see myself just doing more and more of the same as these final weeks play out, and while I should be focusing on earning a living, instead I am focusing on being happy and working on shooting better. After Nationals will be soon enough to worry about paying the mortgage :)

Another Walk, another Thought

As a child I fell in love with Pollyanna, and wanted to be just like her. I was already a good girl and to 'meet' her was like finding a kindred spirit; okay, maybe I had a little girl crush on her - it was Haley Mills after all. But that 'goodness' developed into something else as I grew older. Even as I pointed out silver linings and saw the good in people and things and situations, I knew that I was acting the devil's advocate and that my comments were sure to prompt a disagreeable view from someone else, along with their praise that I was so generous in my view - thereby making me the better person, one I could feel good about. How sad for me. And in noticing this I also noticed that my smugness begat pride, and wasn't that one of the seven deadly sins? So even knowing I was a good person, I also knew that I wasn't, that I had this dark side to my character - a deadly flaw - which meant I wasn't really a good person, I just knew how to act like one. Which brings me to my grandmother, who apparently saw right through me even as a child.

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions"

How often did my grandmother say this to me? For sure every time I spoke about losing weight or not biting my nails. And I resented it, each time I heard it I felt the criticism, and was offended that my dear sweet Mommer would tell me, in essence, that I was going to Hell. Now that I am in my fifties and ready to be a student I see it for the truism that it is. But now I see it through the words of Elizabeth Gilbert (yes, I'm still going on about that) and the tale of her Indonesian Medicine Man who pointed out that Heaven and Hell are the same place, but we choose which way to get there, up or down; and it is in that choosing that we create heaven or hell on earth. Each time a good intention comes along there is also a signpost with our choices pointing in different directions; to act or not to act, to create a paver on our road to hell or a stepping stone towards heaven. So my grandmother was right, and each time I had a good intention, but chose the road where I didn't act, I was paving my way to hell, one choice at a time. How awful! I am so ashamed now of all the opportunities I didn't take advantage of, but in my new frame of mind even that shame is a fleeting notion and I have forgiven myself.

And I do have a big intention in my life right now; to be strong and healthy and prepared at the senior games in August. I've been training for a while, and 'trying' to lose weight, but now I see this in a new light, and I think it's time to test if I can indeed choose the sign pointing up and create a little bit of heaven in my life.

As I tag this entry, I realize that I might need to combine categories, because each time I click on 'dare I say religion' I also click on 'Positive Thinking' and 'Self Discovery'. How many times will I do this before I accept that those are all really the same thing :)

Walking & Thinking

<- While my walk starts in the suburbs, in 10 minutes I am out to what I call my Marshlands.

Walking Kaylee this morning I found myself thinking and turned off the audio book that I have been struggling to finish (too droll....) I think it is a great sign of mental health that I am able to do this, that I can let myself think instead of hiding behind the words of another. I was thinking about archery, and the shoot yesterday. Despite the heat it was a wonderful day and we had the pleasure of shooting with a gentleman who admired our prowess and asked lots of questions. How flattering :) Anyway, I was having a particularly good day of shooting, and it was fun to share a little of what I've learned from my partner who is the much better archer. And one of the important facets of 'the shot' is that when you are aiming you can't be doing anything else. You really have to be in the moment, and if you're not it's time to let down and regroup and restart your shot. This speaks to everything I have been learning about life and how we should be living in the moment, and walking this morning I really started to think about it retrospectively. If when I was raising children, the only true thing was that moment, and I was doing the best I could, then that has to be the valid point about that time. I know I spent a lot of time in recent years questioning myself with all of the 'what if' and 'if only I' thoughts that we torture ourselves with, and in my journey through the valley of grief I think those were a little necessary so that I could get to where I am today. Which is understanding that I need to respect the feelings and decisions of the me that was present then. I need to trust that I was doing exactly what I was suppose to be doing then, that the feelings were real and the decisions I made because I trusted my feelings were the right ones for me in that time and place. I don't think I could have gotten here (if I really am) without a thought from - yes, again - Eat Pray Love where she points out that God is not only in us, but living and experiencing life through us as exactly who we are. That 'he' is not interested in us trying be someone else, but only just exactly who we are. Because then he gets one special and unique experience. So here I am now, trusting in me back then, because I do remember trying to 'follow my heart' as I use to say. And that is the advice I give my daughter now that she is a mother too. And I'm hoping that she will understand better and sooner that those feelings, that following of the heart, is everything. It's living in the moment, being true to yourself one small experience at a time, that builds a special and unique life experience. So I think I am done berating myself for not having done a better job raising my son. Yes, hindsight shows me specific mistakes I wish I hadn't made, but I need to expand this new found understanding to all the moments in my life, maybe especially those. From this will come forgiveness, maybe not today, but I know I am on the right path towards that end ... because I am learning to trust my feelings, and I'm following my heart in this moment. Rereading this I realize a hard truth, I wasn't always following my heart, there were times I was 'trying to do the right thing' because I didn't trust myself, and I guess those are the moments I regret. But still - I need to fall back on the part that I trust I was doing the best I could in that moment, that even if I wasn't trusting myself I was trusting someone else. Grrrr, so I prove a point and lose a bit of ground all at the same time. But still on a path forward, and most important - lesson learned! Trust my feelings, trust I am exactly who I am suppose to be, and listen to my heart because that's where God lives.

Brix, St Helena CA

What a lovely afternoon! Friends invited us to meet them for lunch in the Napa Valley, and while still trying to catch up from being away from home so much lately we love the area and have fond memories of wonderful lunches together at the V.Sattui winery where we were to meet them. As it turns out we ended up at the BRIX restaurant instead, our friends wanting a more formal sit down lunch than the deli at V.Sattui offers. The restaurant was picked by a friend of our friends, who had never been there but thought he had heard of the chef. What a wonderful choice! They have raised bed gardens you can see in our view from the table where some of our food was grown, and we were all more than happy with our selections. I had the heirloom bean salad with goat feta & finely julliened carrots tossed with a vinegrette. The taste I had of the mushroom, sunchoke soup with cashew cream was to die for, and the wood oven baked pizza the guys had looked and smelled amazing. I almost ordered the olive bread with hummus, but was so overwhelmed by the choices that I stuck with a salad. There was not much goat cheese, and I did supplement the small portion with some sourdough slices which were also made fresh at the restaurant. They ordered several desserts for us to share, and I had a nibble of peanut brittle and one strawberry bon bon (freshly made ice cream inside dark chocolate - OMG!) So much for no dairy or gluten, but the amounts were small and I have a wonderful minestrone full of spinach, tomatoes & peppers simmering away in the kitchen for dinner later.
One of the nicest surprises of the day was that I can actually see that I am getting smaller in the picture we took this afternoon. I knew from the clothes I was choosing from to wear this morning that I must be losing again, but to see my shoulders thinner was more than I could have hoped for upon waking this morning. Thank heavens in this economy I won't have to shop for summer clothes.