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Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Farewell 2019; Hello 2020

I gave myself a New Year's gift and splurged on a Bright Line Eating boot camp. Money is really tight right now, but I really want this to work; I feel like I am on the right track and want the support to follow through and learn everything I can. It was a bit pricey, but they have scholarships available and that made it possible. I hesitated, but Susan's appeal to not let money stand in the way won me over and I registered.

So I'm saying goodbye to not just 2019, but also to food addiction. I'm saying goodbye to struggling with food, and saying hello to the possibility of living Happy, Thin, and Free for the rest of my life. Everything that has gone before is still a part of me, and I know there is more to being happy than being in a right sized body, but I have always thought that is where it would begin. And now I have hope of  a bright future.

I've spent a bit of time last night and again today after work watching the required videos. I have a good start since I've been using the food plan for a few months now and already have my journal and food scale. I'm ready to be a part of something for this first time since I joined the Orenda family, and I have the same positive feeling about this as I did then. I still have the dream to make Orenda my retirement career, but couldn't imagine it in this wreck of a body I've been living in. Now I can.

Today was a little stressful at work, but it never occurred to me to eat any of the cookies that were laying around. I did my work, ate my Bright Line lunch, and then headed home to spend the last night of the year with my family.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  roast, squash, green beans, orange
(d)  ham, squash
(s)  handful of potatoe chips and onion dip
      Jalapeno stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon
      2 deviled eggs

There is a Bright Line against snacking, and I don't feel I really snacked. Rather I ate dinner at 5:30 and had a 4th meal at 8:30. I had thought about it, approved of the menu R had planned instead of our usual New Year's Eve fare of fried prawns and fried poppers, and thought that since I was staying up until Midnight I would just go with it. See, this is why I need the boot camp, I cannot be trusted.

Tomorrow is to be Day One, but really I need to wait and weigh on Sunday. I don't want the scale in the house, and can't imagine getting out to the garage, in the dark, on a weekday morning. I've had a good three days - this evening's snacks aside - and feel it's important for my mental health to stay to my original schedule.

So I'm already making exceptions; maybe that's just the way it has to be right now. But I will succeed, I will heal my brain,  and I will be a better person for it.






Monday, December 30, 2019

Bright Line Eating: week 12 in review

I forgot to review my week yesterday,so here it is.  It was a struggle. Surrounded by Christmas goodies and family that isn't on a schedule of meals and workers eating holiday treats brought in by vendors I guess I am mostly proud of myself for all of the times and things I didn't eat. So I will focus on that instead of dwelling on the small battles I lost.  The scale is in the garage and I had decided the night before I wasn't going to weigh in. Lord knows I didn't expect to see a loss and I didn't want the added chatter. Instead I celebrated by having a strong Bright Line day, getting things done around the house, and prepping for the coming week as usual.

Today was another strong Bright Line day, and I'm feeling good about getting my head straight. There is so much baggage left over from years of trying and failing, and I realized after posting yesterday that I was my own worst enemy. I had worn grey slacks and tank with a tailored black sweater and black boots, my hair braided over my shoulder, and the overall effect was very slimming. Normally I don't check myself out too closely in the mirror, but I had taken the elevator to the second floor at work and most of the back wall inside is a mirror. I was surprised by what I saw, pleasantly so, and I think at that moment I was triggered to eat.

I believe it's an old response, learned to keep myself less desirable, that when I notice I am thinner I start eating. I was in my 30's when I told my neighbor to please not comment on my weight when she complimented me on a recent weight loss. I was nice about it, and explained why it wasn't good for me to hear that. But it wasn't until years later that the why of it all became clear. Like so many other women who have been molested, wearing a fat suit had become the best line of defense. At the time I didn't know about food addiction, and still hadn't put together the pieces as I did just a month or so ago after starting to heal my brain.

So all told I have to chalk the past week up to a success. I am very happy to know I will NOT be gaining holiday pounds this year. I may not be losing during the season as I bragged of in an earlier note, but I am feeling good about how quickly I am rebounding from the few indulgences I had over the past week.

(b) pumpkin custard
(l)  roast, green beans, butternut squash, banana
(d) chopped salad with ham, cheese, onion & cauliflower

I know I have said this before, but I love how long it takes to enjoy a large salad. 

Face it, I love eating.


Sunday, December 29, 2019

Walking the Walk

I spent time reflecting this morning on my intentions, and how my actions are not really supporting them. What am I doing here? How did I lose focus? How did Bright Line Eating become something I had to do as opposed to something I wanted to do? This is the sneakiness of the Saboteur, insinuating little negative thoughts until they upset the cart.

And this is the importance of the actions I have been neglecting. Morning meditation & nightly gratitude are not just decoration. They serve a purpose, an opportunity to reinforce intentions and connect with who we are and what we want. Who I am, and what I want. I realized this morning that yesterday I was feeling deprived - not because it was a truth, but because a part of my brain was being triggered by what I saw and was using any means possible to sway me over to the dark side.

Lying in bed this morning I was still disappointed in myself, but it wasn't a 'what the hell' moment. Instead it felt like a moment of grace where I could think clearly, and remember what is important to the real me right now. Healing my brain. And I have been doing a half-assed job of it. Because I was only focusing on the food, and giving a shrug to the actions and support that are such an integral part of the plan. The plan to live Happy, Thin, and Free.

I spent the morning measuring out pumpkin pie spices and then putting together my third attempt at a Bright Line custard recipe.  This time I added the Ezekiel cereal to the pumpkin mix instead of using in a crumble on top, and went back to just the chopped pecans on top. They were the third protein after my eggs; everything was weighed to be divisible by three servings of fruit, protein, whole grain, and fat. I do realize that no-where in the food plans is cream mentioned, but that is my fat in this dish. Next time I will have some unsweetened coconut to try instead.

So the custard is baking in the oven - three yummy breakfasts for next week - and I have leftovers in the fridge for lunch and dinner. This afternoon I'll use up all the veggies in the fridge to make a bean stoup and prep for salads.

So getting my actions lined up to meet my intentions is the goal. Being true to what I want instead of wandering along and letting life happen. At the eight week mark I was feeling pretty good, with moments of clarity peeking through from a foggy brain, and I want that back. I want to keep my Bright Lines intact from now until my Birthday in the Spring and beyond.

I don't need snacks at New Years or during the Super Bowl. I do need to be in a right sized body and thinking clearly and wearing smaller jeans. I just do.

Prime Rib Soup
I have six minutes to write about how wonderful my soup smells. First I chopped a couple of yellow onions and put them in the instant pot with the ribs from the roast I had cut apart. I covered them with cold filtered water and set the timer for high pressure and 75 minutes. While that was cooking I chopped another small onion, a large leek, a few leaves of kale, a green pepper, and then de-stemmed the last of the fresh thyme. Adding in half a large bag of 'cauliflower crumbles' brought my prep bowl to full. It's nice to have a bowl you can fill up and know it's the perfect amount of veg for a batch of soup. I then chopped the leftover roast , removing as much fat as I could, and opened a can of white hominy.  Once the rib stock was done, I pulled out the ribs and meat that was falling off the bones and added in the bowl of vegetables, hominy, and roast - including all the drippings that were in the container as well.

I set the timer for six minutes this time, and while the veggies were cooking separated the meat from the bones and fat. It was so juicy I didn't want to cook it any more; I'll stir it in once the rest of the soup is done. Which is now. It smells so delicious, just the perfect meal for a cold rainy night. I'm pretty sure that the veg to meat ratio is high, so I know having a bowl will be a Bright Line dinner.




Saturday, December 28, 2019

Broken Lines and A New Year's Resolution

Yesterday was gone in a flash. Home from work, dinner, then watching C while the family went to see the new Star Wars movie. They loved the movie and C and I had a grand old time. Except for the meltdown when I denied him a 2nd piece of chocolate, it was smooth sailing. He was still up and playing when they arrived home about 11pm.

Unfortunately I discovered that I cannot be trusted alone in the house with Christmas cookies. I ate two of them.

Yesterday
(b) oatmeal, blueberries, yogurt
(l) spaghetti soup w/ sausage, banana
(d) roast on Ezekiel toast, half a twice baked potatoe (NMF and WTF)
(d) 2 cookies

Today
(b)  oatmeal, strawberries, yogurt
(l)  spaghetti soup, pear
(s)  Christmas cookie, triscuits with pub cheese
(d)  pepperoni & cheese over roasted peppers, onions & tomatoes; raw snap peas
       (I split my veggies, adding 5 oz roasted tomatoes to my dinner and having 3oz snap peas.

Am I spiraling? Three cookies in two days and adding in the crackers and cheese to lunch? I feel more sad and disappointed than devastated. But I see why SBT is doing a Rezooming series right now - I'll bet I'm not alone in losing a battle during the holidays. I tried to post in the facebook group today, but lost the page before I could save my comment and took it as the universe confirming my reluctance. I am not much on facebook and it doesn't make sense to fit something in that makes me uncomfortable. I need to figure out another way to build support.

That sounds like a good New Year's Resolution - finding support for Bright Line Eating.

The kids are off to a Christmas party so I am here with A & C for the evening. Love these children; they are life and love and laughter and tears and everything about life that is real and precious. They remind me daily of what is important, and why I need to improve my health and mobility. Focus on the positive, focus on healing the brain, focus on being here for them.

And life calls - time to go be Grama.

NO MORE COOKIES. NO MORE CHEESE.



Thursday, December 26, 2019

Merry and Bright

Christmas was lovely, the presents fun and the dinner divine. Traditional Christmas fare, including appies, set the stage for breaking all of my Bright Lines. I'm really unsure as to if that was a glaring mistake or not. I guess I will have a better idea about that later. In the meantime I have also not kept to my Bright Lines today. Well, breakfast and lunch I did, but I had leftovers for dinner and I have no desire to make a salad.

Christmas
(b)  cinnamon roll, cantelope, bacon, Mexican chocolate
(l)  Appetizers - triscuits & pub cheese, chips and onion dip, cream cheese & pepper jelly - again on triscuits.
(d) Prime Rib, butternut squash, green beans & bacon, twice baked potatoes, crescent roll
(d) sugar cookie

Today
(b) oatmeal, blueberries, PB
(l)  roast, butternut squash, green beans - forgot to eat my pear
(d) Ezekiel toast with sliced roast on top, twice baked potatoes (2 halves)

Sins of the day:  pecan cookie, dark chocolate with almonds

The plan is to keep my Bright Lines through next Tuesday lunch. Then our New Year's Eve dinner of fried prawns and back on track New Year's Day. From then till Easter I see a string of Bright Line days strung together like Christmas Lights all Merry & Bright.

I'm feeling a little inflamed - swollen hand and painful hip - and I'm thinking that it's more about the sugar than the salt at this point. Because my salt take is down if anything - using Mrs. Dash more often than not. And I was feeling better before Christmas. While I really didn't have that much sugar, it seemed like a lot compared to having had none for a while.

Okay, back to the world and the little boy turning circles in my bedroom.

How blessed to feel needed, and wanted.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Nothing much to say

I sat down to write and my mind went in a million different directions. To the past, to the kitchen where cookies for Santa are baking, to the cookie I ate earlier. But I can't focus, and for once the words are not flowing from my fingertips.

Mostly I want a nap. Which is fine. The presents are wrapped, the house could use some touching up but there is no company coming and nothing major left to do before tomorrow. It's looking to be a quiet Christmas, which is great because last time this year we were all sick and C was in and out of hospital.

What a year we've had, and how grateful I am for C's treatment, for A's love, for this family working together to do what we can to get through this. The emotions just keep bubbling out, but not so much the words. I think it best to leave, and rest, and try again later.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Christmas Cookies

Yesterday I had a cookie, or three. Fresh, home baked luscious cookies. Beyond delicious, they were irresistible. And now I am paying the price. Because I want more. A lot more. So far today I have been able to keep my Lines Bright, but I don't really have the fortitude to declare with certainty that they will stay that way. Instead I am pinning my future on Hope, because that is the most powerful of emotions. Or at least on a par with Love.

I am hoping I can fight my way through this day because then I know for certain that tomorrow will be easier, and the day after that even better. Except that the day after is Christmas. My emotions and thoughts are in turmoil, ideas battling for supremacy with much at stake.

(b)  oatmeal, blueberries, PB
(l)  spaghetti soup, sausage, red pear
(d)  pizza bowl; roasted peppers, onions & mushrooms, 1oz pepperoni, 1oz cheese, ceasar salad - light on protein but I had some zero sugar jerky with my salad to make up the difference.

I'm tired, and that on top of not feeling very emotionally stable worries me because of all the goodies in the house.  I'm going to have a cup of herbal tea, or two or three, and chug a glass of water, and pray and watch a vlog and just stay out of the kitchen. Because that's where the pumpkin pie is, and the Aussie bites. And there is peanut butter chocolate in the freezer and cookies and candy in the dining room.

In other words, it's a torture chamber here at the moment. And it's all Not My Food. I will keep telling myself that. Over and over, all night long. I'm mostly worried about all the denial, and a possible backlash that has come in the form of burgers, fries, and pizza in the past. Deny myself something today and binge on something else tomorrow.

This is why a Bright Line is defined as a rule without exceptions, because the consequences are hard to recover from sometimes. Before when I've broken or bent a line it was no big deal, and I was able to just keep going as if nothing had happened. So I don't know why this is different. It just is, and I need to fight my way through it.

So that's where I am, hanging on to Hope.

Sunday, December 22, 2019

Bright Line Eating; week 11 in review

Writing helps me think. Years ago when I began this blog it was because I felt disconnected. While I wasn't alone in my grief,  it was almost impossible to share how devastated I was over Joey's death. Feelings are everything, so why it is so hard to share them openly and honestly is the great human mystery. So I turned to writing, and did it here to tap into the energy of the world. We all run on the same elemental properties, and my religion is believing that we are all connected through the creation of our universe. That is how prayer works, how communing with nature works, and how we can both center and ground ourselves in this big wide world.

So today I turn here again to write out my feelings, and find some solace through the act of sharing. As with most things it's best to start at the beginning, and this rainy morning that is creeping through the backyard in my slippers to weigh myself in the cold garage. Lights on, sweater off, on the scale, and I'm up half a pound. Grrr...  My brain says, it's okay - fluctuations are expected, there are a million reasons why this is natural. But my heart is pissed. Determined to not derail my progress I brush it off and start the day. Coffee, dishes, grocery list, and off to the store.

The store, where I see a little boy helping his dad carry a basket and my heart breaks all over again. I make it to the car before the crying starts, and on the drive home pull myself together because I cannot walk into the house with red eyes.

Back home I have sausages, celery, onions, spaghetti sauce in the instant pot. Peppers, onions & mushrooms are in the oven. And then everyone but R is off to Church where the children want to give C a present. R and I are alone and I lose it. I love my daughter so much, and forget sometimes that she too hurts, that she too misses not only Joey but her father who passed the year she was married. I lean into her strength; we talk, we cry, we look to the future, and I am on my way to being better.

Whew, so few words to express all of the crazy emotions of the morning. And so much to do. So quickly back to BLE. Overall it was a good week, Bright Lines stayed mostly intact. Last night I sampled some Christmas cookies - more about that later-but feeling stronger and trimmer all the time despite what the scale reported. I'm still glad i'm on this journey to heal my brain, still grateful to be on track to help fulfill Susan B. Thompson's mission to have a million people regain a right sized body and live in it Happy, Thin and Free.


Saturday, December 21, 2019

The Good, The Bad, and the Beautiful

The Good:  There is vegetable soup in the Instant Pot.
The Bad: While the soup cooks they are in the kitchen making peanut butter cups for the Christmas cookie boxes.
The Beautiful: Decorated sugar cookies, frosted so prettily by R, A & two cousins.

And I am hungry. This morning started with grocery shopping, and a check up at the dentist. While I was running around R was making dough, and chocolate toffee. I splurged and had a cup of regular coffee because I knew we had a lot to do. So I didn't think about breakfast until I was hungry for lunch. And then this afternoon  when I was hungry I had breakfast. So I've eaten all day, but I think because I've been so busy all day my body has used up all of those calories and my tummy is really rumbling.  Thank heavens for the instant pot because  means dinner will be done soon. Or right now!
- - -  - - - - - -
Full of delicious soup, the sweet treats in the kitchen have lost their appeal and I am confident my Bright Lines are safe. I listened to Susan's latest video this afternoon, and one of the ideas is that changing your lifestyle instead of dieting is a big part of Bright Line Eating. AIR, Accountability, Identity, and Rezooming. Of these I really focused on Identity. And how I am changing, and will continue to change, over the course of healing my brain. How identifying myself as someone who just doesn't eat flour or sugar in the same way as I identify as someone who treats others fairly, and does my share of the work. I can see into my future, and the girl who will identify with being someone who respects her body, mind, and soul and takes measures to ensure their health.

(b)  cheeseburger over mixed veggies
(l)  salami on triscuits, apple
(d)  vegetable bean soup, pumpkin seed salad

I love listening to them puttering, cleaning up in the kitchen, catching up on family.

Time for a Christmas movie, a little more laundry, and a cup of herbal tea. It's all good.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Another Holiday and more Bright Lines

Yesterday flew by and rest trumped writing at the end of the day. I do know I didn't break any Bright Lines, having skipped the company potluck to get some work done while there was peace and quiet I ate my Bright Line lunch and felt good about it.

This morning had an early start. R & C were camped out on the couch in the living room at 5 something a.m., so I stayed up with C so my poor exhausted daughter could catch a few more z's before work. Then this afternoon I left work an hour early so I could run errands on the way home; Three hours later I arrived home hungry and due to poor planning the last meal in the fridge was the same bean soup I had eaten for lunch. No Thank You! So I made the world's favorite quick dinner (after pancakes) after cracking some eggs.

(b)  salami, triscuits, banana
(l)  bean soup full of veggies & greens
(d)  cheddar cheese omelette with mild green chili's and blistered tomatoes; raw cauliflower

I guess because his day started early and due to a holiday party at day care he didn't nap, now our evening is very quiet while C snoozes away in the living room. Nothing like the face of a toddler while they are sleeping; it's like looking at God.

One of my errands was picking up the roast for Christmas. Our dinner will be prime rib with horseradish sauce, twice baked potatoes, and green salad with the family's garlic dressing. I love that this is already a Bright Line meal, I just need to be careful of portions. To that end I will pick smaller potatoes to bake so they are serving size friendly. We haven't decided on the veggie yet, that is always subject to whim, but I am leaning towards baked butternut squash.

Note to self; it is not the holiday meal that packs on pounds, it is the snacking and eating left overs for days without constraint afterwards.  While putting away leftovers the night of 12/25 I will pack up bright line meals to have ready so that while I will be enjoying leftovers, it will be planned and measured. No extra holiday pounds for this girl!

Vendors have been bringing chocolate and flowers to the office, and while I love having the flowers to brighten up the work space, I have been bringing chocolate home. Just a little at a time for the family to enjoy. So far, so good. No bites, licks, or tastes. Just thinking about eating a piece brings such strong memories it's like I am reliving a moment that relieves the need to indulge. So far no desire to indulge.

Christmas morning is another story all together. If we follow plans already made before I began this journey out of addiction, R will be making yeast rolls from scratch Christmas Eve so they are ready to bake in the morning. Partnered with bacon and Mexican Hot chocolate that is our traditional breakfast for this holiday. At this moment, I cannot imagine not sharing that breakfast with the family. I can see my plate very clearly; one beautiful iced roll, a couple strips of bacon, and fresh fruit. And a Christmas mug of chocolate.

AND, at some point I will have a decaf coffee with Amaretto in it. And there may be a fancy cake for dessert. Writing it all down really shows how much flour and sugar are planned into the day. I will buy berries to have with cream that is whipped and folded together with date puree for dessert so that takes care of part of it. Maybe just a pound cake to serve that over for everyone else. Easy and delicious.

OH, and we're baking cookies tomorrow. I have no plans to eat any, they are for gifts and the other's can be in charge of quality control. Tomorrow will definitely be about celebrating and working together; fellowship if you will.





Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Meat & Potatoes & a Bag of Greens

I'm feeling the pressure of the season, having waited so long to do my shopping and the weather turning wet. But I will get it done. I always do. I wonder if my procrastination is another by product of my addiction. It makes sense. The same part of the brain is in charge of decisions and will power, and I've been trying to eat better most of my life and probably leaving that resource totally depleted most of the time; so what brainpower is left to make decisions. To plan and follow through.  I'll have to make a note in my paper journal to follow up on this question in a couple of months and see if there is a difference.

Today went well, getting good news about a refund from the dentist, and having lunch with my team. Well, with half of them anyway - the rest were working remote. I was given a lovely bag full of greens and avocado oil from one of them. It's so great to feel the support.

(b)  yogurt, blueberries, Ezekiel cereal
(l)  Huevos Rancheros, no tortillas, with refried beans & avocado
(d)  tri-tip, mashed potatoes, mushrooms

Breakfast was the only meal I weighed - well, that and the roast at dinner - so I am feeling like I indulged today. But everything was so delicious, and no flour or sugar, so no guilt or regrets. And I see leek soup in my future from today's bounty. I do have an inner sense of balance, and will naturally eat better for a couple of days.

Time for C to take over the laptop and visit his paw patrol friends.




Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Not My Food

Again with the chatter on the drive home from work. I could get a hamburger protein style & fries from In-N-Out, no, I want to dip the fries in ranch and they don't have any. McDonalds, I could stop at Mickey D's and get a large fries and eat them on the way home dipped in ranch. And then my new stronger self piped in, I'll bet their not clean. I'll bet there's sugar and maybe even flour in there somewhere. And I've been staying away from potatoes anyway. So I told myself I would go home, google the ingredients, and see if it's a viable option for another day. It's not. Just seeing the word hydrogenated makes it a no for me. Check out the Ingredients from The Daily Meal. So, Not My Food.

Besides, they are still fast food, and there are so many other reasons to not support that restaurant. I already feel a little guilty on the mornings I drive through for a decaf. Which I will say  has been seldom of late. We've been good about brewing coffee at home and not spending money on franchise coffees.

Once home I was in the kitchen first thing making dinner. C is sometimes anxious to visit after I've been gone all day making this a bit of a challenge, but we managed.

(b)  cooked oatmeal with PB, banana
(l)  roast, peppers & onions, forgot to eat my apple
(d)  grilled cheese, bean soup, 6oz grape tomatoes

I'm out of prepared breakfasts, and may hard boil some eggs this evening for a change. I do have yogurt and blueberries I could use to make parfaits with the Ezekiel cereal. That sounds good, I'll go prep to make a couple of those. I love the little glass containers we use that fit the mason jar lids; that's where the blueberries will go :)

Time to wrap it up. I'm thankful I made it home with Bright Lines intact, thankful I have a cozy little home to prep food, and glad to be looking forward to lunch tomorrow. I can't commit to the food for that meal, the team is going out to lunch and hasn't picked the restaurant. But I have years of experience making healthy choices from when I was eating for nutrition ala Joel Fuhrman, and it's easy to add in my Bright Lines. So my commitment for lunch tomorrow is to make choices that keep me on plan.

Once again, thankful that I am not starting from scratch, and  that I have a good foundation to support my Bright Lines.




Monday, December 16, 2019

A little grilled cheese, a little optimism, and a little sad

Well I made it home safe and sound, Bright Lines intact. I wanted to stop for a Star burger, or fries, or anything. But I was too tired to stop at the market and I knew I had soup etc at home. Traffic was really bad; thank heavens for audio books or I would be insane.  On the way home I thought about my dinner, and what I could do to mix things up so I would be enticed to arrive home without eating. Sometimes an hour can feel like forever.

Sometimes I add whole grains at lunch or dinner depending on my mood and appetite, and since I had soup waiting for me I suddenly realized I could make a grilled cheese sandwich. YUM. Ezekiel bread, and swiss cheese. I ate half the soup since half my protein was in the sandwich and called it a day.

(b)  cooked grains, banana, flaxmeal & PB.
(l)  roast, onions, peppers, banana
(d) grilled cheese, bean soup, green salad

Dinner felt decadent, and I'm finally warm, relaxed, and sated.

It was just another manic Monday, and we were busy all day at work. Sometimes I miss being able to come home and just crash. I mean, I still could, but I hate feeling like I'm not pulling my weight so I usually don't. Tonight there is too much going on and it's a small house so I am kicking it in the bedroom with C. He's good company, and they can get more done out there when he is in here with me. See, I'm helping, it only looks like I'm goofing off.

I'm looking forward to keeping my Bright Lines this week. Looking forward to feeling good about myself and this journey.  I think it's a little easier to move around, though one wouldn't think it to see me hobble after sitting for an hour or so. But once I get going I'm in less pain. I can hardly wait to feel what it's like after another ten pounds are gone.

The last time I carried in groceries that were a bit heavy I  realized how it doesn't take adding on much weight to have a negative impact. I suppose that it's different when the gain is gradual and you don't realize how awful it is or how it's affecting your body, your pain, your mood. I am so looking forward to feeling better. Moving better. Doing better.

And then I think about how long it's been since I looked forward to anything, and I am once again somber. Not horribly so, I am definitely better this holiday season than in recent years, just regular sad for a moment.  I'll let it wash through me, and try to let it go.

Sunday, December 15, 2019

Bright Line Eating; week 10 in review

I have run the gamut of emotions this morning, feeling both elated and humble by turns, because I saw 218 on the scale this morning. I cannot remember the last time I was under 220. But of course I did not step on the scale once, but three times this morning, and I am paying the price by using 219 as my weight today. 1) pajamas, sweater & slippers, 221.2  2) just pajamas, 218  3) pajamas & slippers, 219.4 - so I am thinking these little slippers do not weigh over a pound, and I am recording 219 as my official weight today; my punishment for playing games with the scale? Was seeing 218 too intense?

Who knows what the number would have been if I had taken the sweater and slippers off first and just stepped on the scale once. If it hadn't been so cold I probably would have kept getting back on until I saw the 218 again, but I caught myself, pulled my sweater back on, and headed inside to the lovely warmth of our cozy little home.

But the 218 is staying in my head, and I am down just about 15 pounds in ten weeks. That's 1.5 lbs a week on average - smack in the middle of the average weight loss zone for Bright Line Eating. And during a holiday season! I remember so many times in my sordid weight loss past, stepping on the scale and being disappointed after having a 'perfect' week of eating, and this morning my feelings of dread before weighing were a reflection of those failures. So seeing a loss after a week of being less than perfect is awesome. And confirmation that I am on the right track.

Normally I post at night, and log what I have eaten for the day, but as I commit to my food the night before I feel confident that what I post now will be exactly what I eat today.

(b)  hot cereal, banana
(l)  knockwurst, roasted veggies (butternut squash, carrots, onions, tomatoes)
(d)  roast, onions, peppers; salad w/ snap peas, cauliflower, green onions, vinaigrette

So the week was full of determination to stick to my Bright Lines, and while I had to fight many battles, I was able to win most of them - writing here or praying or listening to Susan's vlog were all tools I wielded as swords against my saboteur. And knowing that as my brain continues to heal, the battles will become easier to manage, is a wonderful feeling. There is a huge difference between maintaining a diet and managing a disease.  The latter is doable, the former is not.

I know myself well enough to realize that if I had not seen a loss, the leftover sugar cookies still sitting on the baking sheet in the kitchen this morning would be goners. Instead, I eyed them while fixing my coffee, and said, "No Thank you" as I went on about my business.

My business; the project of healing my brain, of getting into a right sized body, of feeling good about myself and setting a good example. Loving myself has been a challenge since losing Joey, it's hard to forgive myself for the multitude of sins that contributed to his death. But I swore I would not let my food addiction lead to my death - a promise to the heavens that I feel I can finally keep. And that means the world to me. Where ever in the world you are Susan P.T., I thank you this morning for giving me this path, and I thank my sweet Sister for pointing the way. Thinking back on that promise I made, I realize that I knew back then, what - almost 14 years ago?, that I was a food addict. And here I am, finally learning how to manage that disease.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

The dentist, and a little something extra

Sins of the day:
(2) fried mozzarella sticks
(1) mug of steamed milk with vanilla and pureed dates
(1) sugar cookie, unfrosted

The day started at the dentist, getting a tooth pulled under anesthesia. Most of the day I have spent napping, falling asleep to the tv and just cuddling in warm blankets.

(b)  yogurt, blueberries
(l)  mashed potatoes, meatloaf
(s)  cookie
(d)  roast, peppers, onions, mushrooms, restaurant fried mozzarella sticks
(d)  milk, vanilla, pureed dates

Maybe it was the dopey after effects of the anesthesia, but I had no fight in me today. I did have Bright Line meals, but also indulged in the above mentioned extras. I am sipping on my sweetened milk as I write this.  There had been pureed dates left over from making the pumpkin custard last week, and thought about using it to make a cup of cocoa, but tonight I wanted the vanilla instead.  Steamed nut milk with vanilla and honey is an old friend during the winter months, and I guess I just need a little familiar comfort this evening.

Realistically, it wasn't that much extra food, but I broke all three of my Bright Lines. The kids had baked cookies, just plain sugar cookies, and I just had one. No inner debate, no chatter, just reaching out, picking it up, and eating it. Savoring it really - I loved every bite. And the motz sticks were from the dinner they brought in, and offered to me not thinking about the light breading on the outside.

I am only thinking about it now because I realized that tomorrow is Sunday, and I planned on weighing in the morning. Not that eating extra calories tonight should impact that much; isn't it the consistency during the week that should count? We'll see. I'm hoping that the small amounts of flour and sugar won't impact my brain much; they were both eaten just after a main meal, so should have been part of a normal glucose/insulin response. The milk tonight is my third broken line of the day, but I am not feeling bad about it at all. Still under the influence? Maybe.

I have Bright Line meals planned for tomorrow, and I should be fully recovered mentally and able to be right back on track. Speed is essential after a goof, and the only way I will feel bad about today's extras is if I let it escalate. So I won't. Tomorrow will be Bright Line Eating as usual, the chores I was unable to perform today, and spending time with the family.

Friday, December 13, 2019

All the Things

It's Friday Night. I've had dinner. I want to eat. I'm not craving anything, I just miss eating in front of the TV and disappearing for a while. I have a cup of herbal tea brewing, I'm writing out my thoughts, and I'll watch a vlog or two or three until this feeling goes away. I'll do all the things I know to combat this assault to my brain. Because that's all it is. My body doesn't need the fuel, my mouth doesn't really want to eat because I had prep work done by the dentist for my appointment tomorrow and I can't chew on the left side tonight. Just getting through dinner was a slow going affair, so why on earth do I still want to eat.

It's more the idea of eating. Visions of sitting with a box of chocolate or tub of popcorn is so inviting right now, it's just ridiculous. I feel like my saboteur is just a big fat bully, pressing buttons to get my attention. To take my focus off my goals and dreams and give in to my addiction. "You Shall Not Pass."  I am Gandalf standing with staff in hands, holding off the beast that is trying to break down my walls.

Or, as C would say, "Go Away!"  He is very clear about pushing away anything he doesn't want. He is more clear at 2 than I am at 64. Many times today I said, "Not My Food' while passing by a tempting morsel, so I am not totally incompetent. I just need my brain to fall in line with my wants instead of my saboteurs. I just need the crazy person in my head to leave me alone.  "Go Away!!"

(b)  peppered salami, triscuits, strawberries
(l)  knockwurst, roasted veggies, apple
(d)  knockwurst, roasted veggies, mixed veggies

Lunch was so good today I had it again for dinner.

I have an early morning appointment tomorrow at the dentist, and I won't feel like eating for a while after returning. I'll set some grains soaking tonight for when I get hungry and need something warm, comforting and easy to eat. I may eat breakfast all day; scrambled eggs, yogurt and fruit, cottage cheese. Not being able to chew will not keep me from eating, and I'll maintain my Bright Lines.

I just need to get through this evening. And I will; I've got moves :)

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Investing in me

Nothing of note to write about. Onc of the office girls mentioned she wished she had my motivation. I wish they would just read Bright Line Eating. Feeding it to them piecemeal really doesn't paint the big beautiful picture you get from reading the book. Not wanting to go into lecture mode about will power and how the brain does or doesn't work, I just said I needed to get better so I could help take care of Cal. What I should have said was that I was tired of always fighting and that I was focused on healing my brain so I could live in peace.

But it's not my job to make them understand, it's my job to take care of myself, to care about myself, to spend my time and energy on investing in my health; body and mind. I feel good when I'm planning what groceries to buy for my meals. I feel good cooking and measuring out meals so that they are ready to go.  And I feel good eating them, knowing I have had just the right amount of food.

Just two more days before I weigh in again. No games about eating less to see a better number, no chatter about what I will or won't have afterwards. It doesn't matter, the answer would be the same either way. Bright Line meals are my goal right now, one day at a time. Getting up in the middle of the night and then going back to bed without a bite of anything is empowering. Driving home without stopping for fast food, even if I am hungry, is empowering. Each next right thing makes me stronger, and I remind myself everyday that it's going to be worth it.

(b)  Ezekiel bread, meatloaf
(l)  Turkey meatballs in spaghetti soup; pear and strawberries
(d)  Roasted butternut squash, carrots & onions, knockwurst

So is my motivation to find out if it really works, this Bright Line Eating? Is it to get into a right sized body no matter how? Is it just the last desperate attempt of a cranky old woman to finally rediscover her inner best self?

Does it really matter? I think not. I think it's just important that I feel I am moving forward and not stagnating in a wretched pity pool. I would rather be here grumbling about how difficult it is sometimes to maintain my bright lines than to be mindlessly eating my way to an early death.

I think I'm needed, or rather , I think my computer is need for some paw patrol.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. I'm beat.


Wednesday, December 11, 2019

See's Candy, meal prep, and whining

Currently in the Instant Pot:  tri-tip cut into chunks, package of pre-cut package from market of onions and green & red peppers, i bag of sliced mushrooms, half a carton of beef stock, Mrs Dash's chipotle mix..

Currently in the over: butternut squash, carrots and onions, Mrs. Dash onion mix.  I have some knockwurst to use for my protein to go with the roasted veggies.

So there's my food prep for the next few days.  I am planning on having a meatloaf sandwich for breakfast tomorrow; yes, I still get excited about food. That has not changed. I have Ezekiel bread slices out to thaw, and I will be sure that is my only whole grain for the day.

A box of See's Candies showed up at the office today, or rather, a pound of candy for each of us. I have given mine to M to take to a meeting - I don't want it in the house. My dad did insulation work for them for years, and subsequently died of mesothelioma. But I still love the candy, and know it's too much of a temptation to have around. It's too much a part of my holiday tradition. At this exact moment I am not feeling very good about my chances of keeping my Bright Lines through the holidays; it's hard to believe I was so positive just yesterday.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  chili
(d)  lentils, roasted veggies, rice

I'm tired again this evening, same old same old. But I have done my chores and earned my rest. Time to focus on C and get out of my own head.
- - - - - - - - -
Eight more meals packed up and in the fridge, pans washed, kids in bed, the house quiet.  I'm calmer than before, settled, confident again. The mood swings these past few weeks have me a little rattled. I was so calm and centered the first month, and I wonder what changed. I'm as consistent as I've ever been, which isn't saying much, and I think it boils down to...hard work. The part that comes before Happy, Thin, and Free. The storm before the calm?

I think it's time to reach out for support. And I immediately think, well, no. I want to be social, I really do, but I never have been unless forced.  Sigh, too tired to think about it. Time for tea and Star Trek.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Hunger is not an emergency!

These are the words that I remember from the book today. My adventure story had ended so I clicked onto my audible Bright Line Eating book and this was Susan's take on hunger. It's just a feeling in your tummy, not an emergency. Not a reason to panic and stuff food in your face. I do have some memories of hypoglycemia and the sweats and panic that would follow that funny feeling in my tummy so I am very aware of it.

But I know now when I am hungry it's just that. There's no sugar to spike and crash, there's no panic to justify a spoonful of peanut butter or a couple of graham crackers with cheese. Instead I think about how it feels, drink something, and know that the feeling and urge to eat are temporary.

Susan reminds us that of course we are going to feel hungry, some of us more than others, or less, it's all very personal. But really it's just a sign that your body needs more energy, and if you don't eat off plan it will have to burn fat for that energy. So that feeling in your tummy? I'ts really a good thing, and I am going to make that a positive association. Hunger pangs equal fat burning. It's all good.

I can talk a good game ;)   But really, that is my goal. Every time I feel hungry, I'm going to immediately think "yay, time to burn some more fat!" Pretty soon I should be smiling when I feel hungry. That is the plan.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  lentils, roasted veggies, forgot to eat my banana
(d)  turkey meatballs in spaghetti soup ( so delicious), 6oz cooked mixed veggies w/ butter

Produce is Produce.  This is a saver on cold damp evenings and I don't want a cold salad. Or maybe it's busy in the kitchen and I don't want to intrude. Or maybe I'm just lazy. In any case, I'm comfortable with this change up, even if I've committed to a salad the night before. It doesn't feel wrong, so it works for me.

There were mini-bundt cakes in the kitchen at work today, so I brought my dirty dishes home to wash. See, learning.  Here at home they are having taco tuesday for dinner, and while tempting to share when invited to do so, I am happy to note I could honestly say, 'No thank you, I'm full from dinner."  And now I'm hanging out here until leftovers are put away so I am not tempted to snack.

So everyday things are getting a little better, a little less stressed, a little easier. I am thinking that eating pie on Thanksgiving set me back more than I thought it would. Even though I thought I was back on track, I wasn't really sticking to the plan as I had the first month. And it makes me re-think making any exceptions at Christmas.

Will a sugar cookie, or a piece of marzipan chocolate, really be worth it? I read the Bright Line Eating Holiday survival kit today, and I'm thinking it's probably really important to stick to the plan for more reasons than are obvious. I remember writing that I could lose weight this holiday season instead of gaining, and today I want that to be true.

I think that sticking to my Bright Lines for the next month is important. And achievable. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!






Monday, December 9, 2019

A small pity pool

Pea soup fog to begin the day, but I don't really want to talk about the weather.

I am wondering about how our eating becomes linked to emotions, and how our body processes messages and uses our chemistry and relays and receptors to manage our stress responses. I realize that it all probably hinges on self preservation somehow, and that there are millions of years of evolution working against me - us - in our attempts to determine our own well being.

I want to eat tonight, and it just plain pisses me off. I've had a wholesome nutritious dinner, I am warm and safe in our little house, the kids are full of love and attention. And I still want to eat. There are no holes to fill, I have no reason to feel this urge. And if someone sat down next to me with a chocolate cake I would eat the whole thing in a heartbeat.

It's maddening, frustrating, and just so ridiculous. Vent over.

(b)  salami, triscuits, grapes, strawberry
(l)  Lentils, roasted Brussels Sprouts, onions, carrots, half a large apple
(d)  Turkey meatballs in spaghetti soup, roasted carrots and red potatoes with butter

No snacks, no spoonfuls of sour cream or sprinklings of Parmesan cheese. Maybe this is why I am hungry; I wasn't aware of how many times a day I was adding in calories. Now I am focusing and trying to do better so I can see better results. Part of me is thrilled I have kept off the ten pounds I lost, and part of me is kicking myself that it's not 15 by now.

But this afternoon, leaving work hungry, and knowing I wasn't going to stop for fast food...well it just made me mad. To not have what I want, to feel deprived; I just wanted to indulge in a child's tantrum. But if I'm going to feel horrible, I'd rather it be from trying than from feeling fat and helpless.

Remember, there are lots of smart dedicated people who can't lose weight. People just like me who can't control their eating urges. That's the whole point of this, to escape that rat race, to be 'free' of the irrational urges. I just want it now. I want to stop feeling this way now. Okay, so maybe the vent isn't quite over.

Night time herbal tea, here I come. If I had a tub large enough I would soak and listen to my book.

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Bright Line Eating; week 9 in review

This morning I slipped on some shoes and a sweater and made my way through a dripping grey morning to the garage. Once on the scale (sans shoes and sweater) I looked at the number and was not surprised that I had not lost weight in the past two weeks. I was glad I hadn't gained anything, and have talked myself into believing that the change of location is the culprit. Not the extra calories I have been eating, but the fact that the scale is in the garage and I had on different pajamas is to blame for seeing the same exact number as the last time I stepped on the scale.

I reacted well, determined to stick more closely to not just the Bright Lines but to the tools. As Susan explained, this is not a diet, it's a way to manage a disease. And I have only been following a part of the plan.  I don't remember when I stopped writing in my gratitude journal, or doing a nightly check-off, they just sort of slid off of my radar. But they are part of the program for a reason, and I do myself a disservice by not taking the time to invest in the whole process.

I think my original goal was to detox from sugar and flour; to rid myself of the overwhelming desire to eat things that I know are bad for me. And I think that while I have made great progress, I have also not entirely embraced the fact that I can't have the occasional bite of something decadent and off program. Thanksgiving was an eye opener, and I struggled for days before the chatter died down in my head. This past week was much better, and I guess that is why I was a little surprised in the garage this morning - I felt like I should have lost.

That being said, I know very well the vagaries of weight loss and the multitude of factors that contribute to a number on any given day. I am encouraged to be more kind to myself and make better choices this coming week.

To that end I have spent some time cooking today, and I have four lunches and four dinners read y to go.  Lentils, Brussels Sprouts, onions & carrots make up four containers, then turkey meatballs, peppers, tomatoes & onions (spaghetti sauce) in the next four. My plan is to prep a couple of dinner salads tonight so that I have one ready for when I get home tomorrow tired and hungry - because you know, it will be MONDAY again. And that's what happens.

I'll do some more shopping and cooking later in the week to make the next set of dishes. My goal this week is to stick to the weight loss plan and not indulge in extra servings of grain that are part of maintenance. I really enjoyed the 'pot roast' I did in the instant pot last week so I may do that again but definitely skip the potatoes. It's such a quick and easy dish, and I can use whatever meat is on sale that day at the market.

So go me, so far no weight gain this holiday season, and committing to better choices this coming week. I am leaving the scale in the garage again, but think I need to weight next Sunday. Hopefully not having it staring me in the face every time I am in the bathroom will prevent any chatter. If it doesn't I'll go back to only weighing every two weeks. This is a learning process for me, and I will figure out the balance between staying accountable and not letting the scale mess with my head.

Time to go make salad and enjoy a Bright Line dinner.



Saturday, December 7, 2019

No Flour, No Sugar Pumpkin Pie Custard

My pumpkin custard is in the oven, and I wanted to write down my modifications. I increased the protein, decreased the cream, and added in the whole grain cereal. Only half a serving of cereal in each portion but a modification heading in the right direction. I need to updated the recipe again after tasting this and thinking about how to add more whole grain.

I also need to count and measure the dates more closely. By the time I used the puree I had forgotten how many dates I had originally set to soak, so I am not sure if I am over or under on my fruit services. Not a good idea and contrary to Susan's Bright Line Eating concept, so I will get that part under control for next time.

Today's recipe

4 Servings
Preheat oven to 350 and put full electric kettle of water on to boil (or 2 qt saucepan)

(4-P)  4 eggs, 2oz cream cheese, 2oz pecans
(2-WG)  2oz Ezekiel cereal
(4-F)  pumpkin and dates

Combine in a large bowl or large glass measuring cup with pour spout until blended
4 beaten eggs
15oz canned pumpkin
1/2C half n half
2oz cream cheese warmed in microwave until blendable
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1C date puree or to taste
2 tsp pumpkin pie or apple spice mix or combination
Dash each extra ground ginger, cinnamon, freshly grated nutmeg, ground cloves

Butter four oven safe containers that hold at least 2 cups ea.
Divide pumpkin mixture evenly into containers - I used glazed ceramic soup bowls; this is more easily done if mixture was prepared in the large measuring cup with spout.

Combine in small glass bowl and microwave 30 seconds
2oz pecans
2tsp butter

Stir pecan mixture, then add 2oz cereal and cinnamon to taste. Stir till combined.

Top bowls of pumpkin with pecan/cereal mix. Place bowls in 9x12 deep baking dish. Place in oven, pour in hot water at least half way up side of bowls.

Bake until done, about 1 hour.

Now the hard part - Waiting!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  tick tock, tick tock - - - - -
Breakfast was good; not as scrumptious as the first batch though. I think next time I will go back to the original recipe and just have my whole grains at lunch or dinner the days I have it.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  leftover chili, triscuits, large honeycrisp apple
(d)  last serving of the roast, peppers and onions plus roasted carrots and 4oz red potatoe

Dinner was filling, I shouldn't have added both the potatoes and carrots, but it was an early dinner and I was really hungry from a light lunch. I knew my portion of chili was less than a full serving but was too lazy to adjust.

I never posted yesterday's food. It was almost a good Bright Line day, but I did snack on some zero sugar jerky on the way home from work and sat shelling salted roasted peanuts instead of eating a salad. Not too many, a couple of handfuls of shelled peanuts doesn't amount to much.

(b) triscuits, cream cheese & banana
(l)  roast, peppers & onions, forgot to eat my fruit
(d)  left over chili, triscuits, peanuts. 

All in all I have wanted to eat more this week, but with a couple of small exceptions like the jerky and potatoes I haven't been. Maybe it's the cold weather and rain, it may be that holiday emotions are driving me, I'm not sure. I have a feeling I am craving starches and grains as the 'ok' foods when other temptations are hounding me. Like those damn coconut cookies sitting in the dining room and the crescent rolls I can smell cooking in the kitchen. NOT MY FOOD.

But I am doing well overall, and wondering if I will brave the scale tomorrow. To be fair, I should go get it tonight so I can weigh in my pajamas with the scale in the same place. But I don't want to bring it back into the house; I've finally stopped thinking about it daily and moving it may mess up the calibration anyway. Maybe I'll just sneak out to the garage in my pjs and weigh out there. Then the next time I weigh the scale will be in the same place for an accurate measurement compared to tomorrow. I think I need to weigh at least every two weeks to be sure I am not straying too far from plan, and still making progress. Mostly I think I fluctuate between losing and maintaining depending on if I have an additional serving of whole grains or fruit, or not. 

The reality is if I don't see a loss I will be devastated, and this is not a good time to rock the boat. Holidays are hard for everyone in one way or another - we all have a story - but I am more afraid to not weigh and not stay accountable for what I am eating. Jerky and potatoes are not flour or sugar, but they are higher in calories and I shouldn't be eating them right now. I have broken my Bright Line against snacking more than once in the last two months; it is the most challenging of my boundaries.

Tonight I will do some more decorating; the paper Christmas tree forest is going up slowly on the walls, and I have a few things to sort out in my room.

Idle hands are the devils playground. An apt quotation for anyone losing weight.















Thursday, December 5, 2019

A Strong Foundation

In the vlog I posted yesterday, Susan spoke about how she had laid down a foundation of not breaking her bright lines, so that it's easier to meet the challenges presented by holiday food. That it didn't happen overnight, it took her years. The idea of waiting years for this to feel natural at first was a little disconcerting. But today I was thinking that I already have a pretty good foundation.

Years of eating for nutrition, of eliminating processed foods in favour of whole foods, of choosing whole grains and never buying anything with the word hydrogenated on the label. I remember when I stopped using artificial sweeteners, and became aware of how sustainable a food was. Of picking produce that was local and didn't leave a huge carbon footprint on the way to the store. So lots of good building material in my existing foundation.

I think it's because of this foundation that it has been easy these past two months to not eat any fast food. And I have been in the drive thru at Mickey D's for a morning coffee on a few occasions recently including this morning. And while I did think momentarily of how easy it would be to grab a sausage biscuit, I didn't. Because not getting it was much more satisfying than the momentary pleasure of indulging may have been. Here it is almost bed time and I am still enjoying the fact that I said no to the biscuit and ate my Bright Line breakfast instead.

Remembering today that I do have a strong foundation already, and won't have to wait years to build one, is comforting. Of course new walls are going up over that base, and I'm not saying there won't be hard work involved, but today I feel confident.

I had a really nice compliment at work today, just someone noticing that I'm changing, but it reminded me that I am making progress, and that there are more ways to measure success than a number on a scale.

(b)  turkey breakfast sausage, triscuits, banana
(l)  turkey soup, sweet potato (instead of fruit...)
(d)  homemade chili full of green & poblano peppers, tomatoes and zucchini

I had picked up a box of cornbread mix, and A made muffins for the rest of the family to go with dinner while I threw together the chili in the instant pot.  Dinner was delicious, and there are a couple of servings left over.

Another night of feeling hungry, and it's only two and a half hours since we ate. But I am holding on to all of the positive thoughts, and remembering my new dreams. To have less pain, to stop snoring and sleep better, to get off of my medications for Thyroid and Blood Pressure. Old people meds. Yuck.  So while my tummy is grumbling, I have no desire to eat. Instead I have the desire to feel better, dress better, and  move better.

I am getting better. I will beat this disease.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Whispers of a saboteur

I am home from work early today, having had an ocular migraine and knowing I would be feeling wiped out sooner than later. Upon arriving home I was famished, and had some zero sugar beef jerky and an ounce of popped corn. I had decided to eat these as a fourth meal; my lunch was early and light on everything - a friends turkey soup that was delicious.

After eating I realized I was listening to crazy talk in my head; thoughts like, "maybe just snacking during the holidays and keeping Bright Lines for sugar and flour would be fine". OMG - there it was, my saboteur. I didn't realize until then that it had been going on all day, which is how I talked myself into eating in the first place, and so I jumped online to get some support.

And wouldn't you know it, Susan's vlog was speaking to me. To Me! She knew. Because food addiction is predictable, and we are in the holiday season. 

It's all here in Susan's vlog.

(b)  triscuits, cream cheese, banana
(l)  turkey soup, apple
(s)  zero sugar beef jerky, buttered popcorn
(d)  roast, green peppers, onions, salad w/ avocado

While I haven't had my actual dinner yet, I committed to it last night so I know that's what I'm going to eat later.

Bottom line; sticking to bright lines now is more important than ever. Setting down a foundation of consistency rather than having to 'restart' after every special occasion. I'm still not sure - there are only three dinners a year we eat traditional fare; thanksgiving, christmas, and easter. Certainly that sounds reasonable.  Then I think about a drug addict having a dose of their favorite white or brown powder just three times a year at dinner and I realize how insane that would be. How impossible.

"This is not a diet, this is disease management." And I guess I really am a food addict.

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Another Solid Bright Line Day

It really does make a difference to plan meals beforehand and have everything prepped. Getting home hungry and popping a container in the microwave may not sound appealing if you're visualizing a movie where the heroine dejectedly chooses an entree from the freezer before doing the same. But when you've cooked wholesome meals and packed them up to eat later it's a whole different story.

Wholesome food, prepared without chemicals and preservatives, without sugar and flour, and without loads of salt and GMO oil, and waiting in just the right proportions is heavenly when getting home from work tired and  hungry.

(b)  triscuits, cream cheese & banana
(l)  turkey, broccoli & corn; half a really large apple
(d)  turkey soup with rice, green salad

I am keeping heavier veggies in the fridge for making salads; it's so much easier to reach 8oz when you include snap peas or cauliflower. And I'm enjoying making my own dressings this week using avocado oil and red wine vinegar with a touch of Dijon mustard to blend it all together. Yum.  I've been also using grated Romano cheese on my salads, weighing out half an ounce - just enough to add a spark of flavour and keep me interested.

Years ago when the kids were young and my in-laws had opened a new restaurant I lost weight just because I was busy and eating salads for dinner. Homemade dressings with Romano or Parmesan were my go-to then; an old habit resurrected. So there have been times, many times, when I was doing so many things right, but didn't have the science to complete the picture. I feel like I do now, and as much as I would love a slice of pizza, I know it will be a while before I can do that. And that's okay, the payoff will be worth it.

I'm hungry again tonight, and I'm working on a cup of tea while listening to a Christmas movie. I wish the time would be here already when I am in a right sized body and eating just the right amount of food each day to keep me satisfied through to bedtime.

So I am here reminding myself why I won't break a Bright Line tonight. A snack is just extra calories that my body doesn't need. Each good decision is a dent in another pound. Each pound is another step towards smaller clothes. Clothes!! I want to feel like I can invest in nicer clothes that will fit for a long time. I imagine cute jeans, feminine shells, silver jewelry, and boots. Can I still dress like that? Am I too old? Did I miss the boat?

I don't think so, I think with age comes the right to be eccentric, no?


Monday, December 2, 2019

Another Monday

I'm hungry this evening, as I was this morning. I think all of the calories added in over the holiday reaffirmed a baseline that is hard to drop back under. A few slices of salami here, a small bite of cheese there - it all adds up even if it's not sugar or flour. Plus it's Monday! Again! And it's almost New Years, again. Another year is slipping by quickly. I can do this, I can eat on plan. I'm just a little disappointed; the first month went so well, and while a challenge the second month wasn't bad. I was hoping the third month were more like the first, is all.

Reminder to self. Losing weight is hard on the body. It's okay to be tired, and even a little hungry. I just need a big cup of herbal tea to settle my stomach.

There is a pan of carrots cooling in the kitchen, at least I accomplished that much this evening. I watched C this morning while M went to the dentist, which made for a long day at work. I am proud of myself for making a salad with dinner, and not skipping it. But I know it's important to eat everything for this to work.  The girls at the office wanted to know how it was going and I explained I thought well, but that the scale was in the garage. The detached garage, I might add, so not easy access. I know they are waiting for me to either succeed or fail, and it's a little stressful. Wouldn't it be great if I could be a positive example to them all; in their 30's every one of them, and with a chance to learn now what I didn't discover until my sixties.

(b)  yogurt, blueberries, ezekiel cereal
(l)   roast, peppers & onions, small pear and 3 strawberries
(d)  turkey, broccoli & corn; green salad with snap peas, carrots, celery & onion

Meals are planned for tomorrow, and I just need to pack up the carrots and my chores are done for the day.

Sigh. I am tired of writing about food. Tired of thinking about it. Maybe I just need to focus on everything else for a while.

Like the kids who are roughhousing on my bedroom floor.

Sunday, December 1, 2019

Bright Line Eating; week 8 in review

This past week had it's challenges, and a few broken lines, but all told my infractions were few and compared to recent holidays I could even count it as a success. I am confident I will get through this holiday season without gaining any weight, and instead even losing some. While the scale is in the garage, and I have nothing to report regarding numbers, I feel good about rebounding from the choices I made on Thanksgiving, and I am grateful that the chatter it started in my brain has subsided. I think staying away from the cookies last night  showed me I can talk down the saboteur and stay the course.

(b) scrambled eggs with mustard on Ezekiel toast, banana
(l)  3oz turkey meatballs, 1oz pepperoni, roasted tomatoes & mushrooms, Asian pear
(d)  turkey enchilada casserole (broken line - corn tortilla)

I made it to the grocery store today and picked up fruit and veggies for the next few days. I also picked up a roast that was on sale and cooked it up with lots of green peppers, onions, cumin, chili, a poblano pepper, oregano, and garlic powder. Cooked in the instant pot until tender, I then divided the meat into five 4 oz portions. I thickened the juices with some tapioca starch and added that to the meat. Three of those were topped with the veggies from the pot, and the other two will be topped off with roasted carrots and Brussels sprouts another day. With the three turkey meals still in the fridge I'm set for another few days of bright line meals.

I like going to the store more often and picking out veggies and fruit for a few days at a time. It helps on refrigerator space, and organizing my containers.

So two month have gone by rather quickly, and I like that I don't have a specific goal to meet. Not putting pressure on myself, and just knowing I am making good choices that will result in weight loss is really nice. While I am still not following the eating plan exactly, I am seeing changes in not just my weight, but in how I think about food, and respond to it.

I can tell that I am on track to achieving a right sized body. How I love that expression! And I still feel calm and accepting, instead of manic and panicked.

Woah, car tracks just hit the bed. Time to play with C. So much for calm 🧡






Saturday, November 30, 2019

No Cookies!!!

It's a little hard being home all day with so many leftovers. I threw away all of the candy from Thanksgiving; my grandmother would make small baskets of candy to set by each place at the table, and I continue the tradition. But I can't throw away good food and I have thought on and off today that another turkey sandwich would be nice.

I am here to remind myself that it would be even nicer to lose weight this holiday season instead of gaining weight. I am speaking to the saboteur that has an inside track to my common sense, trying to convince me that one sandwich won't matter. But it's a lie, I know that every calorie counts, every grain of white flour or sugar is poison, every snack a diversion away from living in a right sized body. I am choosing to ignore this addict's talk and instead take measures to resist the urge to eat anything further today.

(b)  fried eggs over red breakfast potatoes
(l)  turkey, corn, and brocolli
(d)  turkey soup, mashed potatoes & gravy

I had a couple of pieces of cheese this afternoon and several slices of peppered salami. A broken line, my bad. I sometimes think that snacking is the least important of my Bright Lines, but I know that's just me trying to rationalize a bad decision.

Tomorrow is the last day of a long weekend, and there are freshly baked chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen. Big Sigh. But I don't expect anyone else to change what they are doing just because I have taken a different path. Normally I would be right in the fray, eating what I want and not much caring. But for some reason, I do care at the moment, and I will ignore any chatter in my head to the contrary.

Oh, and the scale is in the garage. I said I would put it away when I reached ten pounds and that was last weekend. I don't anticipate bringing it in to weight in the morning, and the idea is to eat on plan and no weigh myself for a while. I'm worried that I will keep breaking lines and stop losing weight, and that without the scale there is no way to stay accountable. This is where the trust comes in I guess. Trusting in the plan, and trusting in myself to follow the plan.

Right now it feels like a diet, not a cure, and it's pissing me off. I think I need a dose of science to boost my determination by reminding myself how powerful the addiction is to sugar, and doubly so when combined with fat and flour. The trivecta of doom. Ha. How theatrical. But also, how true.

No cookies!!!

Friday, November 29, 2019

The Good, The Bad, and the Turkey

The good: Bright Line breakfast and dinner

The bad: two bites pumpkin pie - no crust, two coconut cookies, cheese & salami snack.

The Turkey: Sandwich for lunch and soup for dinner.

It was a productive day. In the morning I packed up three lunches using left over turkey and microwaving some broccoli & corn for 6oz veg in each container. I flavored the veggies with a little butter and poultry seasoning in keeping with the holiday spirit.

While the fam was out I moved some furniture around, getting the bookcase out of the living room to make room for the Christmas Tree. It's a very pretty tree, picked out by A, and I am guessing we will decorate it tomorrow.

This morning I also made turkey stock, and this afternoon I used it to make turkey rice soup for dinner. There are five bowls leftover in the fridge, bringing my prepared meals count to 8. Of course I am expecting some help in eating them, but that is fine. And I still have another bag of bones in the fridge to make another batch of stock, but I think I will freeze them for another weekend.

About the soup. It's full of mixed vegetables (corn, peas, green beans, carrots), diced red rhubarb, plus onions and celery (the herb mix prepared by the store is flavorful shortcut for making soup). Then a cup of rice and simmered until done, and finally the chopped turkey to warm up at the end. Delish. Anyway, I decided that I would weigh out each bowl to 14oz; 6oz veg + 4oz protein + 4oz whole grain. I'm not too concerned about if the proportions are correct; I know I'm eating a reasonable amount of food and that it's all good.

I picked up more canned pumpkin at the store this morning, but there's no room in the fridge to make another batch of custard what with all the leftovers taking up so much real estate. I've really enjoyed having the warm yummy custard the last few mornings, and hopefully by Sunday there will be room in the fridge and I'll bake another batch.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)   turkey sandwich (as planned - no grain for breakfast and two servings of Ezekiel bread)
(d)  turkey rice veggie soup

I'm looking forward to another two days off of work, and hopefully the rain will hold off enough to get some decorating done tomorrow. Tis the season. Which reminds me of Joey, and that he's not here. I still think of him everyday, and sometimes the pain still comes. But living with my grandchildren fills my days with love and distractions, and while I miss who he could have been, it's just a dream I hold in my heart.

A friend once said that she misses her son too, that he is on the other side of the world, like it was the same thing. I hope she never knows the difference.





Thursday, November 28, 2019

99 meals left until New Years

First the Thanks.

We are all so thankful that C is mostly thriving, that he is enduring his treatment, that his prognosis is good. I am also thankful that my daughter and I work well together, that we compliment each other in the kitchen. We had a very productive day - R doing most of the work in the kitchen with excellent help from A while M watched C - and dinner was wonderful.

So dinner went much as I planned, except I did have a crescent roll. And had a little taste everything; a bite of sweet potato, the teeniest sliver of cranberry jelly, and I did use flour to make the gravy. Lastly, I had two very small slices of pie. One pecan that R made and one pumpkin. AND a dollop of R's whipped cream. And yes, one more bite of the pecan it was so good. So not as clean a meal as I planned, but nothing unreasonable. I finished de-boning the turkey, and the carcass is ready to make turkey stock tomorrow. I'll roast a tray of veggies to pack up with some turkey for lunches next week, and probably make some turkey rice soup for dinners.

Which reminds me, I really need to clean out the freezer.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  triscuits (new Rye & Caraway seed blend!), cheese & salami, apple
(d) Thanksgiving fare, all the fixings, one plate
(d)  pie as noted above

I'm thinking I will make a turkey salad sandwich mix instead of just making a regular turkey sandwich tomorrow. I can make enough to last for a few days and use it in salads after my sandwich. We'll see. But lots of celery and green onion sounds good right now, and I have a feeling the Ezekiel bread will be better toasted underneath that. I still haven't checked, but I have a feeling a serving is only one slice, and I am determined to keep my Bright Lines tomorrow. Tomorrow and every other day through till Christmas, when there may be a trifle for dessert. But it will all depend on how the next week goes. If I can't eat flour & sugar at one meal then get right back on track, well then, I guess I am a food addict who has to abstain completely. I will do whatever is best for me, and I am still discovering what that is now that I have read Susan's book.

One of R's friends threw a quote out about how many meals there are between now and January 1st. And something about how only four of them are actual holiday meals. As of today there are 33 days till New Years, that's 99 meals, and for me only two more of them entail traditional holiday fare. It feels so good to know there is a plan, or will be one daily, for all of those meals. That I have tools to use, and Bright Lines to guide me during this time. That there won't be mindless eating, that I won't be gaining holiday pounds, but that instead I will continue to shed them.

It's such a relief to know I won't be starting a diet come January!




Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Bright Line Pumpkin Custard - a work in progress

This does not follow the eating guidelines as put forth in Bright Line eating plan. It does conform to the Bright Lines I have drawn against flour & sugar. I started with an online low carbohydrate recipe, and updated it to replace fake sugar with pureed dates.

1 15oz pumpkin
4 Eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
1.5 tsp pumpkin pie spice
Dash  apple pie spice
1C half n half
2oz chopped pecans
1 tsp butter

I whipped everything together except the butter and pecans, then evenly distributed between three bowls that are oven proof. I threw the pecans and butter in the microwave for 30 seconds then stirred to coat before sprinkling over the three bowls of custard. (The butter was to keep the nuts from burning.)

350 degrees for an hour and they were cooked perfectly. One I ate for breakfast and the other two are stored in the fridge. It was delicious, and too filling. Each bowl was a serving of protein, a fruit and a fat. I didn't think about missing a whole grain! Next time I will add another protein serving (blended white beans? flax? cottage cheese?) and cut the cream in half so I have four servings to stretch the pumpkin farther. I'm not sure if it's right counting it as a fruit, but it is. There were about five dates in each serving so I think I am counting it as 5oz of fruit and then the dates make up the 6th oz. I'll have to think about the whole grain component. Maybe use the Ezekiel cereal with the nuts for a sort of 'crumble' topping. Yes! With cinnamon! Sounds like a plan.

Anyway, a keeper for a hot breakfast on a winter morning. I guess tomorrow I will see what happens when I warm it up in the microwave.

I stayed busy all morning picking up and taking things out to the garage. The fam is back from treatment, and my quiet morning is over. It was nice, but even nicer to have them home.  Time to make lunch and watch a Christmas movie.
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On a whim I decided to head out and catch a movie - basically get out of the way for a while - and without even thinking about it too much braved the rain and arrived at the theatre just in time for Frozen II. I thought that while parts were silly, overall it was wonderful; loved the animation and story. I'm such a child. I had a small bag of popcorn with 'butter'. So one bright line down (snacking.)

(b) pumpkin custard
(l)  leftover pot roast, roasted carrots, celery & onion
(d) Star burger, no bun, and criss-cut fries - and there is the second bright line down (flour.)

Now that I know wheat flour is the 3rd ingredient I won't ever order the criss-cut fries again. I was on my way to the kitchen to make dinner when M said he was going to CJ's and did I want anything. I barely hesitated before placing my order.  Who cooks the night before Thanksgiving?

So feeling more full than usual, I don't like it, and there is a gross taste leftover in my mouth, which I am also not enjoying. On the one hand I am sorry for my dinner, but on the other hand I think I will remember this feeling and remember to just say no next time. I realize I should have just said (to myself) Not My Food in the first place - but it's been that kind of day I guess.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, and having a nice sit down dinner with family. I've journaled what I will have the next two days so I am mentally prepared for both the feast and the next day's leftovers. I'm a little worried about Friday. Typically around here it's a free for all with Turkey sandwiches flying out the kitchen in abandon. There are so many favorite ways to prepare one; mayo & cranberry; mayo & mustard; gravy & dressing. My plan is one sandwich with mayo & mustard for lunch, then regular Bright Line leftovers for dinner.  Then turkey for days in stoup and veggie rice casserole and on and on.

And I'm out of steam, and ready to wind down for the evening. In other words, there is a fire in the living room that is calling my name.



Tuesday, November 26, 2019

5 Days off!

Another long work day, which is always okay when much is accomplished. A quick stop at the store on the way home, and now I have five days in front of me of no work. Tomorrow is prepping for Thanksgiving; baking a pie, supervising the making of cornbread, straightening up. But all of that is after coffee in bed and a quiet morning all to myself. C is going to the clinic for treatment, and A is overnight at a friends. I only relish these moments because they are rare; if it was all the time I think I would be quite lonely.

Thanksgiving will be all about football and traditional holiday food. I don't feel guilty at all that I am looking forward to mashed potatoes and gravy. And I will try my hand at pumpkin custard tomorrow too - that may just be my breakfast. I don't plan on breaking my Bright Lines for sugar and flour - but because I want to have appetizers I may not have a regular lunch. We'll see. I did finally pick up some Ezekiel bread so that I can have a turkey sandwich on Friday, So yes, food food food. But it's all a showcase for what we are all really thankful for - that C is in remission and responding to treatment. That A is healthy and thriving. That we have a warm roof over our heads.

(b)  turkey sausage & triscuits, banana
(l)  veggie burger & roast veggies, apple
(d)  pepperoni, turkey meatballs, roasted tomatoes & mushrooms.

I tried eating a salad with dinner as I should, but the lettuce tasted bitter to me and I couldn't eat it. Are my taste buds just off lately as I transition away from sugar & flour? I can't figure it out.

Same song, different night; Star Trek and tea.

Monday, November 25, 2019

Bright Line Eating; week 7 in review

Down another pound yesterday for a total of  10.6 lost in seven weeks. This last week was more of a challenge and I think part of my frustration was wondering why harder instead of easier. I had a 'what the hell' moment or two and left pieces of broken lines scattered throughout the day. A small paw patrol graham cracker cookie here, a single Ritz cracker with PB and strawberry jam there. And then half a bag of  chocolate striped popcorn that I found while rummaging for something different to offer C.  I think it was a combination of watching a Christmas movie, being alone with C, and the built up emotions from the past week. I think I spent too much time on self reflection, and a spark of rebellion may have flared from those old but apparently still hot embers. It's all important, and I know there will be more to losing weight than just pounds disappearing. I discount nothing, and will try to learn what I can.

Thinking about the day I could have done worse damage. Susan mentions a couple of times in the book that it's hard on the body to lose weight. I say it's also hard on the mind - if we're healing our brains then I suspect peeling off some scabs along the way is par for the course. Okay, that was a horrible visual. But fairly accurate.

And I did make stew and roast veggies in preparation for the coming week, planning for success so to say. I will count the day as a battle that I eventually won in this ongoing war of weight. The popcorn was instead of dinner, and there was no more eating after that so at least there was nighttime fasting as usual. I really don't want to dwell on it. I will mention that breakfast was delicious - scrambled eggs with mustard on triscuits; at least the day began well.

Today was good. I packed breakfast & lunch, got a lot of work done, and enjoyed the company of a team mate that usually works remote from Oregon. Having her in the office is a breath of fresh air, and she will be here again tomorrow.

(b) turkey sausage, triscuits, strawberries
(l)  beef stew w/ celery, carrots, onions & 2oz red potatoe, Asian pear
(d) 1 oz pepperoni & 3oz hot dog w/roasted mushrooms & grape tomatoes (think pizza)
      6oz raw snap peas and carrots dipped in a little ranch.

I'm full and tired and ready to brew some herbal tea. As Mondays go, this was better than most.

Saturday, November 23, 2019

This, That & The Scale

The day is going well, and has been fairly productive. Laundry is half done, R and I both did Turkey day shopping this morning, and I had a dentist appointment earlier. I made a small dent in my room going through clothes, bagging some up to recycle and washing some winter tops that will fit soon if not right away. I packed back away the XL's, they won't fit yet, but I am wearing an XXL top and it's not too snug. I remember last year and looking at the XXXL tops because the double X's weren't fitting and practically having a melt down in the store. But I shoved my feelings down and probably ate them later - I really don't remember.

I did lose 7 pounds last year after that, eating less fast food and more whole foods. Limiting the times I would drive through for a sausage biscuit and coffee for breakfast and a Star burger for dinner felt like progress and I did see the results of those choices. But it was over a year to shave off those pounds, and it was all about will power and denying myself and no real hope in sight for long term results. Which brings me to today.

I am hungry this afternoon, and again exercising my will power. While I don't get all of the science she presented about how will power works, I do understand her bottom line that we don't have an inexhaustible supply, and that we have tools we can use to replenish what little we do have. I think she said 15 minutes before you are tapped out. Prayer and Meditation are two of the tools, and while I am good at neither I know like with any tool the more you use it the more skilled you can become. And this time there is a plan, and science, and hope.  So feeling my insides gurgling, and wanting to eat something, while a little challenging are not the basis of a fight like the donut was yesterday.

I know that in an hour or so I can start prepping dinner, and soon thereafter will be eating a meal that will leave me full and satisfied.  And that's a new thing, feeling satisfied. It's really nice to eat a meal and not think about food for hours at a time. I've been getting up to eat in the middle of the night for years; a way to self medicate so I can go back to sleep. Now I may think about eating as it gets on to 9 or 10 at night, but herbal tea does the trick. And I may go stand in the kitchen at 1 or 2 in the morning, but it's not often and I don't search for food - I just stand there a moment then head back to bed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything worked out. I started prepping my dinner salad early and then ate it very slowly. By the time I was done it was 4:30 and I heated up my dinner. Eating three meals a day is becoming easier overall, and each time I resist snacking I think it furthers my resolve to stick to that particular Bright Line. I love the idea of my immune system puttering away all night while my body is in it's natural state of fasting. And I appreciate how all of the lines work together; the synergy is beautiful; the fat burns releasing toxins and the immune system works to clear it out of the body. Win, win,.

(b)  Eggs over easy on fried rice, a banana
(l)   Cottage cheese & diced apples, buttered peas
(d)   Turkey meatball stoup, green salad with sunflower seeds

I am ready to turn in for the evening, and my thoughts have turned towards weighing in tomorrow morning. I hate that the scale has so much power over my well being, and that I have had to talk myself out of getting on it several time this past week.. And no matter what the number is I risk being either smug or depressed. I think that perhaps if I have hit ten pounds I will put the scale in the garage for a month and see how that works. I think I can trust the process enough to do that, and it would ease the chatter the scale generates in my brain. I will consider it an act of kindness.

Tomorrow the family is going to see The Cursed Child in San Francisco, and C and I get to hang out.  It will be a long day for everyone - they'll be gone over 12 hours. Hopefully C will take a good nap - he didn't today - and we will have fun. I know they will have a blast; we're all such Potter fans.

A big yawn, and it's time to pack it up.











Friday, November 22, 2019

A Close Call

I was tired today, and off my game a little. It was hard to be at work and the day dragged by at a snail's pace. Half way through the day I decided I would blame it on the donut; this was the payback for breaking a Bright Line.  But even not feeling well did not keep me from thinking about the remaining donuts that are in a bakery box in the kitchen. Not compulsively, but over the course of this evening I found myself thinking that I could have another one. I could wait for everyone to go to bed and then get one and take it to bed with me. I suddenly realized I had a fight on my hands.

I made some nighttime herbal tea, changed into my PJs, and resumed watching a Star Trek I had paused earlier in the evening. And that is where, of all places, I found my motivation in the form of a particularly nice looking man; very well put together for my tastes anyway. And all of a sudden I thought about my form, and what it would mean to me to stay on track. And just like that the chatter stopped. I no longer desired the donut. Thank Heavens - it felt like a close call, but I came out on the right side of things.

(b) cheese & triscuits, no fruit - my grapes tasted off and i didn't eat them
(l)  turkey muffins, corn & peas, potatoe salad
(d)  sausage veggie soup with 2oz rice

I have been thinking again about losing weight faster, but the idea of being more strict with my food scares me.  I know I had too many grains this week, and not enough salad for the 2nd week in a row. I consider this signs of a struggle; there is a pattern of laziness here that concerns me. Okay, maybe I should say tired instead of lazy. As I was reminded in the Bright Line Eating book today, losing weight is hard work - and stressful on the body. It's okay to be tired.

Tomorrow will be about shopping for Thanksgiving. All the traditional fare; I'll just forego the dressing and pie and stick to my Bright Lines for flour and sugar. I do want to find or figure out a recipe for pumpkin custard using dates for sweetness. With eggs and fruit it will be a breakfast recipe. I think we are making gravy using corn starch this year, because I do intend on having a serving of mashed potatoes and gravy with my turkey and green beans. No cranberry jelly for my bird or fried onions on my green beans - those I can do without.

I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to, that I won't even miss those trimmings.

Let the Holidays begin.





Thursday, November 21, 2019

A donut and a dream

Just another day at work. Eventually I will have to begin working on the other aspects of Bright Line Eating that I have not yet incorporated into my life. Like not eating in the car. But that is where I eat my breakfast a couple of times a week. If I have hot cereal I wait until I am at my desk - also not recommended. But I imagine those things will come with time as I adjust and my body/brain connection begins working better as a complete unit and not battling factions.

(b) cheese & triscuits, banana
(l)  barley beef soup with lots of veggies
(d) sausage soup with lots of veggies, including 2oz shredded potatoes
(d) chocolate donut

WHAT?? Yes, I ate a donut, and the second (d) is for dessert. It was just me and C while the fam went to see Frozen II. I don't know why I felt like eating, or why I chose the donut. So strange. We had a nice evening together, playing on the couch and watching Bubble Guppies. Then he wanted his ipad and I turned on a Christmas movie. No stress, and then I was eating a donut. Again, so strange.  And I don't feel bad about it, maybe a little disappointed, but nothing dramatic. It will be interesting to see how I feel in the morning. I didn't really feel any effects this evening; so sugar rush, no crash, nothing. It's almost as if it never really happened. But it did, and I have no intention of letting this change my intentions for the next day, or week, or month. Breaking a Bright Line is nothing new, and I know the best thing to do is let it go and look forward. So that's the plan.

I've been thinking about my revelation yesterday, about the disconnect I have always felt in my brain being less about a congenital defect and more about an environmental hazmat situation. I realize that I am the sum of my experiences, and that I did not remain unaffected by the events in my young life. But I thought about it being emotional damage, and partially blaming the experiences on my weight. About needing at some unconscious level to change my body into something that would be undesirable and consequently left alone. But the clarity of the connection in how it may have affected the way my brain actually works cannot be unseen, and I think I nailed it - to coin a popular phrase. So now what do I do about it? For now, nothing. I let my brain continue to heal and see what happens; that will be the only way to see if what I suspect is true. Time will tell.

I've dreamed often over the years of my inner 'true' self breaking free and wearing cute jeans, but never once did I imagine I could also be clear headed. That food addiction had a cure, and that there could come a time when my ramblings here would not be about grief or weight and eating, but about experiences and joy and, well, everything else that may be waiting for me once I kick this. That there may in fact be a life still to be had.

I'm feeling very hopeful tonight, despite the donut. It meant nothing.








Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Pot Luck Meatballs

I am not a naturally social person. I can be if it's absolutely necessary, but it's not my wheelhouse so to say.  Today I tried. I took the instant pot to work and made meatballs for our Worksgiving potluck. I last about ten minutes then headed back to my office. The office is full of great people and we work together well, but put me in a room with more than a few others and my flight reflex kicks in. I've been this way since childhood. School was a nightmare starting with Jr. High. Elementary school was awesome; there was a garden, I had friends, I was a good reader and the 2nd fastest runner, I loved my school and teachers. I hate to say it, but I think it was the Summer before Jr. High when I was first molested. Why have I never put that together? And is it linked? Big Sigh, there is no control group and I will never know. Never know if there was cause and effect, never know how my life would have been different, never know who I could have been.

Well that was some rabbit hole. No matter how I got here, I am who I am now. And wow, I didn't realize how much resentment I have. So many times I have felt the disconnect between what I could be and what I am, and most of the time I blame it on a learning disability - a disconnect in how my brain works. What if the disconnect is stress eating from molestation leading to food addiction and a life time of feeling like I am falling short of some unseen mark. What if my brain has been malfunctioning my whole life because I was what I ate.  I have heard 'you are what you eat' my whole life, but never took the time to analyze it. Garbage in, garbage out, as we say in computing; why did I never think about this earlier? I think I am fairly smart, so why did the concept of eating for nutrition not sink into my little grey matter until my fifties?

ARghhhhh! Time for Bubble Guppies and snuggles with C. That I can deal with. I didn't break any Bright Lines today and my bra was too big around this morning and needed adjusting. Good Signs.