A donut and a dream

Just another day at work. Eventually I will have to begin working on the other aspects of Bright Line Eating that I have not yet incorporated into my life. Like not eating in the car. But that is where I eat my breakfast a couple of times a week. If I have hot cereal I wait until I am at my desk - also not recommended. But I imagine those things will come with time as I adjust and my body/brain connection begins working better as a complete unit and not battling factions.

(b) cheese & triscuits, banana
(l)  barley beef soup with lots of veggies
(d) sausage soup with lots of veggies, including 2oz shredded potatoes
(d) chocolate donut

WHAT?? Yes, I ate a donut, and the second (d) is for dessert. It was just me and C while the fam went to see Frozen II. I don't know why I felt like eating, or why I chose the donut. So strange. We had a nice evening together, playing on the couch and watching Bubble Guppies. Then he wanted his ipad and I turned on a Christmas movie. No stress, and then I was eating a donut. Again, so strange.  And I don't feel bad about it, maybe a little disappointed, but nothing dramatic. It will be interesting to see how I feel in the morning. I didn't really feel any effects this evening; so sugar rush, no crash, nothing. It's almost as if it never really happened. But it did, and I have no intention of letting this change my intentions for the next day, or week, or month. Breaking a Bright Line is nothing new, and I know the best thing to do is let it go and look forward. So that's the plan.

I've been thinking about my revelation yesterday, about the disconnect I have always felt in my brain being less about a congenital defect and more about an environmental hazmat situation. I realize that I am the sum of my experiences, and that I did not remain unaffected by the events in my young life. But I thought about it being emotional damage, and partially blaming the experiences on my weight. About needing at some unconscious level to change my body into something that would be undesirable and consequently left alone. But the clarity of the connection in how it may have affected the way my brain actually works cannot be unseen, and I think I nailed it - to coin a popular phrase. So now what do I do about it? For now, nothing. I let my brain continue to heal and see what happens; that will be the only way to see if what I suspect is true. Time will tell.

I've dreamed often over the years of my inner 'true' self breaking free and wearing cute jeans, but never once did I imagine I could also be clear headed. That food addiction had a cure, and that there could come a time when my ramblings here would not be about grief or weight and eating, but about experiences and joy and, well, everything else that may be waiting for me once I kick this. That there may in fact be a life still to be had.

I'm feeling very hopeful tonight, despite the donut. It meant nothing.