BLE: Tired and a little grumpy

I hate that I'm struggling again this week. At our last MMG we all committed to having a Bright Week, despite our misgivings in doing so. We all have strong Rebel parts that DO NOT like being told what to do. Maybe it was that, maybe it was seeing a number under 200, but for whatever reason I have not been Bright so far this week. 

Right on cue, the Universe gave me a little wake up call today, the temperature over 80 and a gentle reminder that bathing suit season will soon be upon us. I have grown comfortable in jeans and thermals, forgetting that I was hoping to be smaller this Summer and more at ease in the water. But I have been more and more tired of late, and I hate that I am thinking of going for blood work to see if anything is wrong.

Wiped out and heading for bed. 

Bright Line Eating: A follow up to the week 24 review 'or' Where did the year go

10-6-19     232.6     Started listening to Bright Line Eating and immediately cut flour and sugar
3-28-20     211.4     Completed 24 weeks of BLE, but flour and sugar are creeping back into my life

3-28-21      199.4    Still losing weight, albeit slowly, but I remain confident it's forever

I found the entry where I had done my initial review of Bright Line Eating, and decided to weigh in this morning to commemorate a year since making the decision to make BLE a part of my life. I'm not sure what I would have done if the number was still over 200 pounds. But it wasn't, and I'm glad to be on the other side of that hurdle. Whether it's my metabolism that was keeping me on the other side of that barrier or my rebel part doesn't matter, or maybe it does, but in any case I'm on the other side and looking forward to trying on Summer clothes.

I also thought this would be a good time to review how I've been eating in general. Dogma has it that being consistent is important to developing automatic habits. And I've found that I do have patterns of how I eat, and it makes it easy to 'know' where I am each day in terms of getting enough veggies. Because bottom line, that is one of the main reasons we weigh our food; get enough of the good stuff and not too much of the rest.

Breakfast

This is definitely my favorite meal of the day. If I have a starch with breakfast, say beans or potatoes, instead of a grain, then I have citrus for my fruit so that I am not weighed down by having a banana -my usual go-to at breakfast. Often this is grapes, and usually they are red.  I would like to be eating more melon, but they are too unpredictable when it comes to ripeness; often they are musty and I hate throwing them out. There are so many delicious meals to eat at breakfast just following the basic plan that I never mess with quantities. Here is a short list.  

Lunch and Dinner

If I have a salad for lunch, it's 8 ounces, then at dinner I'll have 12 ounces of cooked veggies. Often this will be a stoup, and my fat will be an ounce of cream cheese. With freshly ground black pepper this is a decadent meal, and it's especially satisfying if I am feeling needy or deprived. But doubling up on cooked veggies in the evening is more like a treat, and not usual.

If I have left overs for lunch, it will be 6 ounces of cooked veggies because that is how I pack up leftovers. This means 14 ounces of veg in the next meal. Dinner that day will vary with the weather. In the Winter I'll usually have another 6 ounces of cooked veg plus an 8 ounce salad, exactly how it's laid out in the weight loss plan. But in the Summer it's more likely that I will have a 14 ounce salad for dinner. 

I haven't really noticed a difference in how hungry I get later depending upon how I split out my cooked and raw veggies, but eating more raw veggies definitely makes an improved difference in my energy level and attitude. 

And working my 2nd job from 5pm - 9pm definitely helps keep me distracted and I rarely think about food then. I sometimes get a little rumbly in the tummy, but it's just a passing feeling that I notice and goes away with a sip of the night time tea that I always have on hand at the end of the day. By the time I've sipped my way through a large insulated 16oz  'cup' of tea, it's bed time and I'm ready to just lay down, watch a bit of tv, and then it's lights out.

I guess part of my night time habit stack is to use the last of my evening tea to take my meds, Immune, and Alfalfa. It's still on my mind that in another 30 pounds I'll be able to stop taking the meds. Why this isn't motivation enough to just stick with the program I don't know, but the inner parts work goes on and I know I'll eventually get there.

Bottom line, a year after deciding that Bright Line Eating is an answer I can live with, I am still doing battle. But it's a war worth winning, and I continue to be optimistic. I have a feeling that this may be my month, and that the next stretch of six Bright nights will become ten, and from there...well, I am looking forward to seeing what that means. Basically, I am still 'almost doing BLE', and haven't quite been able to fully commit. But I see it as a work in progress, always getting closer to being 100% fully committed.

As an aside, I recently heard that the average weight gain during this pandemic is 2 pounds a month. If I take into consideration the pounds that I haven't gained, it makes it easier to accept a 12 pound loss in a year where many gained 20 or more. Just sayin'.

BLE: Making progress

Time flies! A couple of more Bright nights, and one, not so much. The beginning of the current 100 day tracking sheet is looking comparatively good with 16 out of the last 24 nights being Bright as well as all of the days.  Not a great ratio, but as I said, comparatively good. The first two sets of 100 days I was only Bright 2 out of the first 24 days. So I'm calling this a win.

I accidentally ran into a couple of office mates who were working late this past Wednesday, and not having seen  me in a year called me Skinny Minnie. Ha! I've only lost about another 10 pounds or so since they saw me last March. At first it felt good, but now that I think about it that was the night I had a midnight snack. But last night was Bright and I expect tonight to be the same.

R also had someone from her work comment on how her face was getting thinner, and we had a chat about how inappropriate it all is, commenting on someone's weight. Everyone has a story, and it might not be the one you expect.

The weather has been beautiful, but I've been too tired to enjoy it much. I'm tempted to get my bloodwork tested to see what my TSH is, or to ask for a more thorough testing. The way I am eating, I just feel I shouldn't be so blasted exhausted all the time. It becomes a temptation to start drinking my morning decaf again, just so I can get stuff done!

I was out with Cal today picking up In-N-Out for lunch when we had a flat tire. My big win was politely declining his invitation to have some of his strawberry shake while we waited for road service.  Speaking of lunch, two single cheeseburgers protein style from there is a Bright meal, and it's nice once in a while to not have to prep anything.

• b)  7grain mix cooked, ricotta cheese, banana & cherries, chopped nuts
• d)  stewed veggies, beans, cream cheese

Time to stand up and stretch, get some cuddles in with the new puppy, and wind down from the week. I do miss the occasional cocktail, but i know the price is way more than I'm willing to pay at this point.

Tomorrow's Food:

• b)  toast w/ham & cheese, grapes
• l)  leftovers from the fridge, apple
• d)  stewed veggies, beans, cream cheese

BLE: Bright again

The plan last night was simple; be so tired that I sleep through the witching hour.  Also, pre-medicate for anticipated pain. So instead of getting ready for bed after work, I went out to visit with family, played a little Nintendo, caught up the dishes, and folded the last load of laundry from the dryer. Before leaving the kitchen for the night I took 800mg of Ibuprofen, and before putting pajamas on I covered my shins and knees with IcyHot power gel and applied CBD cream to my right hip and shoulder.

Only then did I lay down to watch a little tv, American Idol to be precise, and I do think my efforts paid off.  I relaxed into bed faster, turned the tv off earlier, and fell asleep with barely a twitch of pain. I was only up once to visit the Loo, and there was no wandering off to the kitchen. Success!

I have made the connection before between pain and eating, but after years of taking Ibuprofen and Tylenol daily for pain and worrying about what that did to my organs, I really didn't want to go down that road again. But at this point in my life, if taking them again so I can get through most of the night pain-free and stay in my bed,  I feel it is worth the risk.

I know I need to have everything x-rayed, but I also know that if I just get the weight off first then everything would improve and it would save a lot of hassle and perhaps even surgery down the road. But one thing is certain, I have reached a tipping point and need to take care of the pain. Because I haven't been able to play, 'tag you're it' with Cal for over a week now. The last time we played I hobbled around in pain for days, and that is not acceptable. At all.

I need to be able to keep up better. No, I want to be able to keep up better.  Want, not Need. Want.

Today's Food:

b)  left over potatoes, eggs & hot sauce, berries

l)  sandwich bowl; meat, pepitas, carrots, tomatoes, onions, and an apple

d)  bean soup with red chard and lots of veggies

I'll make the soup this afternoon, as I haven't done much cooking lately. Trying to use up leftovers has become my goal, the fridge is so full of food, but this week I want to make soup and use up all the oldest veggies before our Imperfect order arrives.

As always, it feels great to wake up Bright, and as always when I do, I am sure it's just the first of many Bright nights on my way to my right sized body. 

BLE: Three Bright Meals

My daughter is having great success with Bright Line Eating, and uses Instagram to post her food.  I haven't done  a food gallery post in a while and thought it might be a nice start to a fresh week. After six Bright nights in a row, I ate last night, and feel the need to do something different to emphasize a new start so I Rezoom quickly instead of dragging it out for a couple of days - which is what happened last time.  There was no binging, just a small snack around midnight. I hadn't been able to sleep, my legs aching, and finally I got up to stretch it out. Once up, it was a short stroll to the kitchen where I did NOT eat any cookies. My bad, I should never have even gone into the kitchen, because a perusal of the available snacking options led me to the pantry and a packet of fig bars. So actually I guess I did eat a cookie after all. Rats.

Today's Food

Breakfast

• 4oz organic five grain blend, cooked
• 2oz medium salsa
• 3oz homemade refried beans
• 1oz provolone cheese

This is easy to throw together when I keep containers of grains & beans in the fridge, ready to warm up together in the microwave. I find it works best to stir the salsa into the grain first, then add the beans and top with the cheese. (Putting the salsa last causes the veggies to pop and make a mess.) I know using the microwave isn't the best option, but for now it's the easiest, and gets the job done. I have noticed that I like my refried beans better than those left over from takeout, and will try to always have some on hand for breakfast a couple of times a week.

Lunch

• 2oz cooked stew meat
• 1oz roasted pepitas
• 1oz mayonnaise, salt & freshly ground pepper
• .05oz fermented red peppers (hot, home made by R)
• 3oz sliced 'sugar bomb' cherry tomatoes
• 2.5oz diced carrots
  

Again, an easy meal to put together when there are containers of meat, nuts, and carrots that are already peeled, cut into sticks, and stored in the fridge. Just a quick dice and everything is stirred up in a bowl; a new way to have a sandwich. Also inexpensive. I purchased two packs of stew meat that had been put through the tenderizer and marked down 30% at the store. I slow cooked them on the stove in Mississippi stew broth that was left over in the fridge, and it made for a tasty, tender batch of protein.

Dinner

• 14oz salad w\ romaine, cauliflower, yellow pepper, artichoke hearts & grape tomatoes
• 1oz light olive oil, red vinegar, spices
• 2oz pastrami
• 1oz pepitas

While I usually have one 'cooked' meal a day and one salad, sometimes I just want to chew, and a large salad and lots of raw veggies does the trick. But I wanted something to liven it up, and a little deli meat once in a while is acceptable to me. At least no worse than cheese IMHO, and this is a moderate serving.

My salad bowl in rinsed, and it's time to go to work.

BLE: Another Bright night

I have always been grateful for the details; a sunny day, a cool breeze, a warm jacket.  These days I am grateful for Bright nights. 

That's all.

BLE: focusing on the Bright

My only goal these days is to have Bright nights. Last night was, and tonight will be, because I don't want to wake up with regrets. I want to wake up knowing I have a clean slate, and that everything I do tomorrow will be progress, and not just making up for a midnight lapse. That is most likely what is motivating me right now, the frustration of treading water instead of making it across the lake. Or something like that. I am just really feeling the futility of being Bright all day, and then not backing it up with a Bright night. Tonight will be five, I think, or maybe six. I'm trying not to count.

Anyway, it's time to get pajamas on and lay down. Well, after slathering various bits and pieces with my CBD cream. I think I may be sleeping better, and waking up less often definitely helps reduce the risk of midnight snacks.

The battle rages on...

BLE: A snapshot of the life of a Food Addict

Four Bright nights behind me and I noticed today that I feel/look thinner.  My first instinct was telling myself to just ignore it and keep moving forward. But I can't. Because that is what doesn't work. I have known for years that anyone noticing my weight is a trigger, and this time, instead of pretending I can handle it and everything will be okay, I am going to try and journal about it.

It's the classic excuse, "I'm wearing a fat suit to protect myself." This concept has so much baggage attached to it that it feels like a cop-out to even consider the idea. But as with every old wives tale, it is based on a profound truth. Women ( and, I daresay, men) having been using food as a weapon against being attractive. Because that is so often the catalyst for abuse, or unwanted attention. It's a shame that there is so much, chauvinism?, in our society that there is blame attached to being attractive.  That to believe they are superior, some need to exert power over others, and in the case of men vs women, that if a woman is attractive she is just 'asking for it'. 

What a sick society to be raised in, and how warped our perceptions can become when grown under that constant and unrelenting pressure. No one was 'woke' in the fifties, or at least those that were didn't have a large enough voice to reach the little girls and boys of the era. So I was raised to know I was 'less than' just by being myself. And when, as that bright, athletic, and curvy girl I attracted the attention of others more powerful than myself, well, what other weapon did I have than to cover up that girl and hide her inside a fat suit?

Not that I ever had the thought, "Gee, I guess I have to just eat my way into a body that won't draw attention, and that way I won't get hurt." No, that's not how it happens. This is how it happens. At the age of ten, you are 'asked' to dance naked on the bed, and afterwards you grab a slice of bread and cheese. Your dopamine receptors light up at the hit of highly processed flour, and for a moment you feel better. The link is forged between eating and feeling better. And just maybe, a part of you splinters off, and continues to use this tool of eating to help you feel better more and more often. And an addict is born.

The addict who will creep up the wooden stairs to the kitchen in the middle of the night to sneak food out of the kitchen. The addict who will walk three blocks in the rain to buy a loaf of French bread and eat it all in one sitting, by herself in an apartment in San Francisco. The addict who finishes all of the macaroni and cheese prepared for her young children over years and years and years. The addict who can eat half a large pizza on her way home from work at midnight. And finally, at 66 years old, the addict who wakes up in the middle of the night and creeps into the kitchen to find something, anything, to scratch that itch.

A lifetime of fighting, and being blind to why food had to be such a battle and such a curse in her life. A lifetime of feeling inadequate because she couldn't control her eating. A lifetime of missed everything because she didn't have anything to wear, or couldn't bear how she looked, or couldn't leave the house. 

Some say that food maybe be the road to enlightenment for some, and that may be true, but at just this moment I am so mad, so angry, at everything. At the world, at my brother, at every doctor who ignored my weight for the symptom that it was of an underlying problem. And yes, at myself, that I wasn't smart enough to figure this out sooner. That when I heard, "you are what you eat" I didn't appreciate what it really meant and take action to heal myself.

And I am so tired of being mad. So tired of the fight, especially when I have the tools now to fix this.

I will come back and read this tonight before bed. If I have to be mad to get another Bright night under my belt, then so be it. Because trying to stay calm and ignore these feelings hasn't worked, isn't working, and I need, really need, to get this food addiction under control.

BLE: Corned Beef and Cabbage

Dinner yesterday was so delicious, and I am having left overs for lunch today. I prepared the corned beef a little bit differently than usual, and it's amazing what small changes can evoke.

I started the usual way, rinsing and patting dry the roast, but this time I covered it in dijon mustard before setting it fat side up in the roasting pan. The pickling spices went on top, then I added a large sliced onion to the pan and about 2 cups of beef broth. Covered tightly in foil it went in a 350 degree oven for an hour. Pulling it out, I added in the next two onions, quartered this time, five really large carrots cut into chunks, about six medium red potatoes cut into quarters the long way, and one large cabbage also quartered topped the rest of the veg. 

Once again pressing the foil tightly on to the pan, it went back in the over for another two hours. (It was about a four pound roast.) Everything was perfectly tender and everything one could hope for on St. Paddy's Day. From my perspective at least. The change? The layer of mustard. And I will definitely do this again next year.

The past few days have flown by in a lazy sort of way. Cal had treatment  Tuesday and we are adjusting to the fallout. This time Chemo has him zipping around, wanting to be outside, and very demanding. Well, that last part isn't new, so it's just been a tiring week in more ways than one. We've been to the park, gardened in the back yard, and he's had multiple trips down the roller coaster in the driveway.

Not every night has been Bright, but most of them have been. I haven't been able to do my meditation 'homework' from my IFS program because Cal hasn't been napping until I'm off to the next job. No rest for the wicked, me or him.

And he needs more pancakes ( the food of choice this week) so I am off.

BLE: Groceries and plans for a Bright week

And I'm back with a Bright night in my pocket.

Early this morning as I maneuvered my way through the other shoppers filling their carts with groceries, a light came on, and I realized I was glad to be filling my cart with lots of veggies, grains, and beans. It made me realize how gloomy I have been this past week, and how sneaky depression is, it's approach so gradual and quiet that it goes unnoticed until one looks up and notices the dark storm clouds that have gathered.

G reminded me in group this morning that food is medicine, and that she always gets a boost when upping her raw veggie intake. Which is what I've been doing the past two days, and probably why the light came back on.  The truisms abound today; we are what we eat, we are responsible for keeping our own light on, eat with the intention of being visible. This is one of the shining examples of why group is so valuable, we can remind each other of the important tools and knowledge we now share to overcome our food addiction.

I am always happy when I can sit down and list off accomplishments; there are beans soaking on the stove, and the microwave just beeped to let me know the rice is done. I will be making Spanish rice later today, and refried beans tomorrow. I splurged this morning and picked up some frozen veggies to use during the week, and have grapes, onions, and Brussels sprouts to roast this afternoon. And I found some small packages of quick cooking grains to incorporate into breakfast, and will spend some time this week planning on how to use them. For sure I will use the Farro with green chilies, egg and cheese.

There is another package of Soyrizo in the back up fridge, and will end up in a breakfast recipe with another of the grains.

I'll be baking meatballs today. While I am leaning into a more plant based diet, I have been missing what used to be a staple. I'll still split the protein with beans, seeds, or nuts so that they last longer, and I won't feel so guilty about eating the animal protein. That whole thought is wrong in so many ways. I understand the guilt, and I understand it is wrong that I am planning on eating anything that makes me feel bad. But you know...addict! Or should I say, recovering addict!

I'm hoping to find some 'chocolate sprinkles' cherry tomatoes today so we can get them in the ground. And I'll be setting up a pallet in the back yard for the peas to climb - the little plants are already looking very happy in their pots. I also planted some purple kale, hot and cold red peppers, and a zucchini. Oh, and sage for the patio - the best defense against the flies that are tempted to congregate on the patio in the summer.

There are flowers in pots out front, and I can see the branches swollen with buds on the tree outside my window.  It may be a chilly day, but the signs of Spring are everywhere, and my heart is filled with hope this morning thinking about the day and week to come.

Today's Food (because it's not what I planned last night):

(b) cheese on Ezekiel raisin toast, roasted pecans, banana & berries

(l)  black bean burgers, corn, apple

(d) meatballs & roasted veggies, salad with pepitas

BLE: Soyrizo

Years ago when I started following Dr. Fuhrman's eating for nutrition I went through a phase of attempting to find substitutes for meat. I was not successful, nothing was tasty enough to use and eventually I gave up. WFPB wasn't a popular thing yet, but whole foods, plant based was what I ended up eating most of the time. Recently soyrizo made it's way back into the house but my negative memories of the soy processed 'meats' kept me from having any.

However, R said it was good, and one day this week I decided it might be worth a try and cooked up a batch. First I used it to split my protein in a bean soup. It was good! Then I used it to split my protein in my rice & beans for breakfast, and again I liked the resulting dish. Now for the past two nights I have been using it to split my protein in a large dinner salad, and it was just as good cold as warm. Nice to know there is another go-to for the recipe box!

Now for a quick recap since I have been either forgetting to journal or just not wanting to record the past few days. After a week of being Bright, I started to eat again at night, and have for the past three nights. I can walk by potato chips all day, and ignore leftover bites of syrupy pancakes, but come midnight the bad wolf starts howling and whining and scratching at his metaphysical cage. Interesting that I think of him as a male wolf, I wonder what that's all about. Usually I think of my 'tough chick' as being the rebel, who, like Lucy of Charlie Brown fame proclaims to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!"

Let me just say that I am not a fan of chocolate covered banana chips, but have managed to polish off a whole bag over the past few nights. Thank heavens they are gone. I can only think they are the reason I have been tired and grumpy, because at least my days are still Bright. I have pumped up the raw greens these past two days in an effort to increase my energy, and will have a chance to regroup this weekend. I'm even contemplating having green smoothies for breakfast for a bit to see if that helps. I can split my protein between nut milk and ground flax, use frozen berries for my fruit, and throw in an ounce of oatmeal for the grain. And if I remember amounts correctly, I can probably use 3oz berries and sub in 3oz spinach. While we are advised to NOT blend our food, there are no BLE police. And I remember how great I felt drinking these each morning. The flax is great for depression, as are the greens, and I was always full until lunch.  Just thinking about it, and will make sure I have everything I need on hand should I decide to start doing that.

Back's pinching, gotta go. But I am leaving with the intention of NOT eating anything tonight. I felt so good having a week of Bright days under my belt, and I want to feel that again.

Tomorrow's Food:

• (b)  sausage on toast, oranges
• (l)  lentil soup, apple
• (d)  roasted veg 'pizza' casserole

BLE: Sweet Potato for breakfast this time

Today I baked three servings of what I usually call Yam Pudding, but I made some changes so I think I need to start coming up with different names for the different variations. In this version I swapped out the milk for cottage cheese, and incorporated fruit. The ingredients below are for three breakfast servings; 1 protein, 1 grain, and 1 fruit.

• 12 oz cooked yams
• 6 oz cottage cheese
• 3 eggs
• 18 oz fruit (1 small apple, large banana, red grapes to balance of portion)
• apple pie spice, extra ground ginger
• splash of vanilla

I turned the oven on to preheat for 350, and filled the kettle with water to boil.

Then I weighed out the fruit (skins yes, seeds no) and gave it five minutes in the microwave to soften before blending it together into a fragrant, sweet smelling mash.  While it cooled, I hand mixed together the remaining ingredients until uniform, then stirred in the cooled fruit.

I know by now to first weigh the dishes I will use to cook the pudding so that the portions are even. For me and these dishes, it meant that one of the three portions should weigh 1.5 ounces heavier than the other two. If you're eating all three portions over the course of the week it doesn't really matter. But wanting each portion to be as close as possible to exactly a Bright Line meal in case my daughter wanted one, I took the time to pre-weigh the dishes before dividing the pudding  mix between the three ceramic dishes.

The dishes went into a baking dish, and once the oven was hot and the water boiling, I placed the pan in the oven and filled it with the hot water to cover the dishes half way.  Setting the timer for 45 minutes, I went to play with Cal.

I won't know how this is until tomorrow morning. I woke up today thinking of subbing in cream cheese for a 'cheese cake' feel, but we don't get a fat at breakfast so used the cottage cheese instead. My twice baked potatoes use cottage cheese in them, so I figure a starch is a starch and expect the pudding to be light and flavourful.

Oh, and speaking of fat, I did use a dab of butter in each dish to thoroughly coat the sides and bottom to prevent sticking, so a very little bit of fat.

Speaking of food, dinner tonight was left over Mississippi pot roast with sautéed onions and broccolini. I was short a couple of ounces so sat and munched raw carrot after dinner just to make sure I ate all 14 oz of veggies with my dinner.

Time for some sweet and spicy tea as I head to work for the evening. 

UPDATE:  The cottage cheese added a tartness to the dish that was unexpected. While still a good breakfast, I will not do this again - the second day it was too tart for me. I will go back to the original recipe of using a nut milk for the protein.

BLE: Sweet Potato

Dinner was so delicious I wanted to write it down for future reference, even though it was mostly left overs.

What I had on hand:

• Left over Cauliflower rice w/ lime & cilantro
• Left over top sirloin that had been pounded, seasoned with taco spices, & BBQ'd
• Left over Brussels Sprouts sautéed with onion

I cooked a huge sweet potato to make yam pudding in the morning for breakfast. There is probably enough for four breakfast puddings, and I will get it all prepped and ready to bake off in the morning. But in the meantime, I had the beautiful skin left over, and I immediately thought of stuffing it. The two halves of the skin had barely any potato clinging to them and still all told weighed 8.1 ounces. I diced up the left over Brussels sprouts and mixed in the left over cauliflower. I distributed the mixture over the two halves, bringing the total veggie weight up to almost 13 ounces - just shy of the 14 ounces on plan for dinner. But knowing the skin would be filling, I didn't worry about the small shortage of veggies.

Next, on each side I weighed out an ounce of left over steak that was spicy and already diced for use in salads. Then over that I weighed half an ounce of cheese on each side. That's my protein, 2 oz steak and 1 oz cheese. Oh, and I had added an ounce of butter split between the two skins.

Into the microwave for a few minutes to heat everything through, and dinner was done.

I am full and happy, the sweet potato was a great equalizer for how extra spicy the steak was, and the combination of flavours was delicious. I should have taken a picture, because it was also pretty with the dark red skin and the white melted cheese (Italian blend of parmesan, Motz, and Romano I think) over the diced steak.

I will definitely be making this again,  and eventually I will likely devise a healthier version.  While we usually count sweet potato as a grain and not a vegetable, I am rationalizing that the skin is so high in fiber and nutrients that it's an acceptable vegetable as I used it. As Susan says, there are no Bright Line Police, and I do realize this is a one off meal, not an everyday dinner.

Now to zone out in front of Tomb Raider on Netflix, cuz, you know, no Amazon this week!

BLE: Five Bright Nights in a row

The first Bright night was my Birthday, and I'm realizing now that it's a great starting place to count how many Bright nights I have in a row.  I want a whole week, which I have done before, but more than that I want to reach ten days in a row. While I probably had that many in a row back in the beginning, I wasn't tracking anything then. Thinking about it, the only reason I am tracking now is a commitment I made to myself on 5/6/2020 when I sketched out my first 100 day block. Looking back in my paper journal there were only a dozen Bright Nights in that first of five blocks. The second block had 39 Bright Nights, and the third had only 23.  

It's easy now to look back and see that the third block was full of IFS work, and that while I was learning about my parts, my lines suffered. But almost always my days were Bright, and just my nights were broken. And I have learned so much, I cannot begrudge my past self her broken lines, because I know it brought me here.

I am feeling a little tired this morning, and I have a crick in my neck that I need to attend to in a bit, but what I don't have is a feeling of hopelessness.  For now at least, it is just gone, and I can clearly see my path forward; reaching ten days in a row, then a month. And I can really see all the way to living in my right sized body.

I was exactly 200 pounds on the scale this morning. The scale was still in the bathroom and my pjs were practically falling off anyway, so I stepped on. And it came to me that I really know, deep in my heart, that this is the week that I keep my Bright Lines and break through to the 100s. Onederland or Wonderland...whatever, just a number that helps mark the way to the smaller body I know is waiting for me.

The scale is still going back to the garage today. If and when I want to weigh I can borrow R's scale, or go to the garage and weigh there since the weather should continue to improve as we head into Spring. I think May 1st is a good goal, and I don't plan on having to weigh until then.

It's another gorgeous day outside, and I have some gardening to do after my MMG this morning. I am so thankful for this group who has helped me reach this point in my recovery from food addiction. And even more grateful that they will be there for me if and when I fall on my face again. Just knowing that fills me with power and peace; the power to succeed, and the peace to accept whatever is coming my way.

Power and Peace. Interesting that they can co-exist in such a positive way.

My belly full of toast, sausage, and purple grapes, I leave to enjoy my day.

BLE: Committing to Life

I think common sense won out on March 1st, and I did not weigh myself. Or maybe it was the cheesy bread I ate in the middle of the night, and knowing I would be heavy in the morning just couldn't get on the scale. Both cases are probably true, but the bottom line is that I did eventually weigh myself on the fourth after three Bright Days and Nights in a row, and saw a new low number since starting Bright Line Eating. 201.2 to be exact, or as exacting as my scale can be at any given moment. Yesterday was lower again at 201.8 - the closest I've been to breaking 200 in about ten years? I think it was 2009 when I had lost weight and competed in the senior archery tournament.

I haven't weighed since, and while the scale is still in the bathroom it's only because I keep forgetting to grab it on the way to the garage. I plan on focusing on my lines and forgetting about the number for at least until 5/1. Or maybe 5/4 - you know, "May the force (fourth) be with you!"

In an affirmation of my little streak of Bright nights, I stopped on the way home from work and picked up some new bras in a smaller size. I'm happy with the fit, but realized on trying them on that only one of them is adjustable to a smaller size. But they were cheap as such things go, and I have no problem buying new ones as needed, so I'm keeping them all.

But I need to address something that has been much on my mind. The chatter in my head keeps trying to justify\explain\excuse away the thought that keeps surfacing. I was so concerned about not being able to 'come all the way in, and sit all the way down' when finally the root of the problem presented itself in an aha moment earlier this week. That's what a caring master mind group and a brain free from drugs for a few days will do to you. It wasn't about me not wanting to keep my lines bright, it was about not being sure I wanted to even be here. Not in Bright Line Eating, but in Life.

Life. That thing I have been holding on to for the sake of my daughter, my mother, my grandchildren. But not for myself. I have held a grudge my whole life, one of my earliest memories is swinging on the gate in front of our house, and remembering coming from someplace wonderful, and bemoaning the fact that I had to be here. Here, in this most mundane and tiresome of places. I have thought about that memory many times in my life, and thought of it in different ways depending on where I was on  my journey. At one point I succumbed to the inevitable that I was here for a reason, and that eventually it would present itself, or not, and that I just needed to gracefully accept the fact that I would be here as long as it took and than I might never know the why.

But when Joey died, it all became more confusing. If I was here to love him during his short and hard life, wasn't my job done? Couldn't I just go now? But no, I couldn't disappoint the family that was left, that's not what a 'good girl' does. It's not that they wouldn't do fine without me, but at this age I know that the stigma of the act on those that remain is a dark and ugly thing. So I stayed. Not that I ever actually thought about ending my life. But I often use to tell myself as a girl, that if things were so bad that I felt the urge to leave, I could catch a freight steamer to another part of the world and just have a different life. I realize now that this thought was a way to vent steam, and that some part of me knew I needed the option to stay sane.

So there I was, thinking about what it is I really want as opposed to what I 'have to do' or 'should do', and the thought came that in order to really want things for myself, I need to want to be here. Here on earth. A spiritual being having a human experience. Whatever. But really here. And that's when I had to look at that question seriously. Do I want to be here? After a life spent rebelling against having to be here, could I really embrace the experience, and come all the way in, and sit all the way down. 

Because all of a sudden I knew that if I was going to accomplish anything in what is left of my life, I was going to have to make that decision. Did I really want to be here? 

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes.