Search This Blog

Monday, August 31, 2015

A Better Day

Today was not just another another Monday. Today, today was different. I don't know if was the exposure over the weekend to many episodes of 'Extreme Loser' and how each contestant was given a goal to directly confront someone in their life that was causing anger or pain, or if it was just me reaching the end of my rope. I have whined many times over the past couple of years about a co-worker, co-manager actually, that has caused me many a stressful day. Friday I had approached the Boss about one specific thing I needed to handle with her, and today he gave me some support which was new and unexpected.

 She didn't make it in today despite my email to her Friday that we needed to meet this morning; for her it was just another typical Monday with another crazy excuse for not being there. It doesn't even matter if the reason was valid or not, when I got her text it was like falling over a waterfall I had been on the brink of for a really long time, like I just gave up fighting to stay aloft and let myself fall.

My return text to her was to check her email when she arrived home. (She had been driving to work and had to pull over to the side because her meds were making her dizzy.) While she made her way home I typed a very detailed note to her about making sure she came to work Tuesday because we needed to resolve some issues. I apologized for the slightly 'Monday Bitchy' tone there may have been, but I was, all in all, polite.Thereafter ensued an email exchange in which I was clear about the problems her lack of attendance and attention were causing the team as a whole. I didn't hold anything back while being courteous and professional. I was not entirely pleased with any of her responses, but my final message to her merely said we would need to have a planning meeting in the morning based on what she decided to do. In a nutshell I requested she either choose to be there in body and mind, or to decide what she would rather be doing.

I'm not anxious or mad, I'm just ready to make this problem go away once and for all. Interestingly enough I had no interest in getting food on the way home, and I had a green smoothie for dinner once I reached home, and then a small bowl of leftover rice and kung pao. AND, R made some awesome buttermilk brownies last night, substituting some orange oil for part of the fat, and I was happy to have only one normal piece for dessert tonight. So far there is no desire or intention of helping myself to a second piece. Instead I have a cuppa chamomile tea brewing to take to bed with me. Oh! And no nap after work today. Thank Heavens!

If this feeling is just a small taste of what confronting something that is dragging me down can do then I think it's time I address the bigger issues. Molested as a child, the men who killed my son, I can only imagine what I might be like if that emotional baggage was off my back. Food for thought, so to say.

Now I am tired, and ready for bed. Maybe one more episode to bolster my resolve to be strong, fair, and imperative tomorrow.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Focus on the Positive

I had slipped into a funk, and after so many good days it took me by surprise, as it always does. I decided not to write about it, I was not interested in whining. Instead I waited for it to pass, focusing instead on the absolute fact that I would cycle into 'up mode' shortly. I am hoping that might be today.

Favorite breakfast this morning; cold pizza and hot coffee. Of course this time there was no sugar in the coffee, and it was only one small piece of pizza. I had thought that this weekend would be about getting 'back on the wagon' after not making good choices for a couple of days, but in the end opted for common sense and moderation. Denying myself something I love is a recipe for disaster in the long run; this is experience talking, better a small slice this morning than a large gooey costco slice for lunch at some point in the upcoming week.

Goals for the day? Clean out the fridge, clean sheets on my bed, and either swim, bike or walk. Weather forecast today? 97 and light rain. Sounds tropical to me! I have been lollygagging this morning, watching an episode of extreme loser and playing with A. Time to "move it move it."
Well, I never made it outside today. I did catch up all of the laundry, rotated a load of dishes that had accumulated in the kitchen over the three days of my funk, and...and...hmmmm, that's about it. The day just disappeared as I worked during commercials instead of fast forwarding thru them, and all of a sudden the day was done. I ate too much, and feel no compulsion to track it, so maybe today is not the day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Who knows. Certainly not me, and I am sure that is part of the problem.  I'm just tired; I got nothing.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Just Tired

I have been overcome by a sense of lethargy that cannot be denied.  The last two days I have risen from dreams, worked my time, and then crashed upon arriving home. At the store I had not been inspired to cook this week and instead of meal planning had picked up a few of Amy's light and lean entrees and that has been my dinner both nights; five minutes in the microwave - too many noodles and not enough veg.- but nice for a change to not have any dishes except for a fork and a cup to wash.

Maybe fighting off a bug, or having an emotional dip in reaction to all of my semi manic food tracking. Who knows. What I do know is that all I can think about while standing here typing is going to bed and calling it a day. I'd better take some extra Immune tonight - that's the ticket. Tomorrow will be better.

Monday, August 24, 2015

A Counting Day

Home from our trip and after all of the salt yesterday I am ready to eat clean and keep track. Here is my lunch salad. Two servings of salad dressing, but I know they are calories well spent as I ease back into this after vacation. Not that I ate badly most days, but there were a couple of choices that could have been better! Anyway, from years ago I have a spreadsheet already formulated to weigh out veggies in my wooden salad bowl so I can get in a full pound each day. It's also easy to zero out the greens and weigh in the seeds and dressing after adding my beans. I use to do this a lot when losing weight before; after a while the eye adjusts and I won't need to weigh, but for now I need to - eating the full pound is the key, and this is the first half for the day.

This morning I cleaned up the dog messes, vacuumed the front of the house &picked up A's room before vacuuming in there. Today is her first day of 1st Grade and she is so very excited; I wanted the school desk in her room cleaned off and ready just in case she brings work home and ended up fixing her bed and organizing a little while puttering in there.

Time to shower, finish cleaning out the fridge, and get ready to run errands later.  Move, move, move!

Well, I didn't get all of my veggies or fruit in, but my calories are under goal for the day so I will call it a good step in the right direction. I had lots of greens, a healthy fat, and too much sugar thanks to the Lemon Noosa Yoghurt I had for dessert. I did rest this afternoon after a shower and laundry so I will be ready for work tomorrow morning; I hate that I have lost my enthusiasm for the job.

I know from experience that each day will be easier getting in the veggies, and that each day I will feel better. Time will tell.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Driving Day

Today we head for home. I have walked around the house picking up the odd bits of stuff we had strewn hither and yon, stripped the beds, washed the beach towels, and packed up both A and my bags. I have had my cuppa decaf, and now I am just waiting for everyone else. It's a lovely cool morning, and this morning bird is enjoying every bit of it. That being said, I will be glad to arrive home later this afternoon knowing I have one more day of vacation before heading back to work; I miss my little dog!
Home! The dogs were exuberant and greeted us with crying, licking, jumping, the whole shebang. A and I crashed for a bit in front of the tv then we treated her hair with ketchup and foil to remove some of the green from summer pool swimming. Tomorrow she starts the first grade and everything must be perfect! Now she is showered, shampooed and double conditioned, dressed for bed and watching dragons. I am beat.

What a nice trip, and how thankful I am that I have tomorrow off.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

A Pool Day

I spent the morning puttering, then relaxed with Mom per directions of my darling niece K. She had arranged a family pool party and everyone was expected around noon. How fun to see the littlest cousins, the children of my nephew R, niece K, and A in the mix as they frolicked together in the pool. The competitions included the largest splash, the best belly flop, and the cleanest entry. A almost won the last, just edged out by C who was the star of the pool this sunny awesome day.

There was a moment that caught me by surprise, the cousins all lining up on the tall back wall of the pool for a photo op, mimicking the one 21 years ago of their parents at the same place. It was wonderful, and then R used an app on her phone to add the previous picture, and while admiring it and comparing the likeness of the faces, grief crept up and attacked me without warning. One moment I was smiling at Joey in the picture and the next I just lost it. I turned to sneak away but was thwarted and held by loving arms until my sobs ebbed. Some cold water to my face, a small amount of quiet alone time, and I was back at the party, maybe a little subdued, but glad to be there watching all the kidlings.

Lunch was a buffet of fruit, sandwiches, chips and salads. Then a surprise bottle of wine from R&M's wedding venue (Rios Lovell) from some twelve or so years ago, and while a little fruity, it was also complex and lovely to swirl and contemplate the flavours.

The younger generation went out to dinner together, and Mom and I stayed home to finish up leftovers from the Mexican dinner the evening before. Washing platters and making several trips to the recycling bin during the commercial breaks of 'Evan Almighty' put the house to rights, and the kids showed up with chocolate ice cream for our dessert. I ate every last drop of my half of the pint - so decadent!

I think everyone had a wonderful day; I know I did.

A Beach Day

I began my morning by trimming back a wayward tree in the back that was pushing up against the arbor. I filled up the green waste bin while adding water to the pool, and then it was time to get ready for our trip to the beach.

It was another beautiful day in Ventura; basking in the sun and soft ocean breezes, crashing through the waves with A by my side, or our side depending who was in the water with us. Such great exercise, bracing our legs against the power of the ocean, or going in deep enough to swim while the swells push us around, sometimes jumping into the incoming wave and laughing at the salt water going up our noses. So wonderful. I even got to close my eyes and relax for a bit, not worrying about A with other eyes on her as she covered herself with sand, chatting away to the world at large and keeping a smile on my sad old face. Down at the water I noticed that I was not the only grandma there with a grandchild; apparently it is quite the thing to do.

We had deli sandwiches for lunch, and stopped to bring in Mexican food on the way home. (Cheese enchiladas for me!) It was really nice this morning to see a pound gone, a real one this time, the number read from the same scale as the day before. And in a frightening sort of way, good to see 230 again but this time on the way down.

Family is coming over today, and it's time to go help A with her bowl of cheerios and get ready for the day. This visit has flown by exceptionally fast, and we leave for home tomorrow. But first....getting through today.

Friday, August 21, 2015

To the Beach!

I am ordering Deli sandwiches from Sprouts this morning for our picnic at the beach. D is bringing her boogie board and the weather will be a perfect 78. I can almost taste the salt just thinking about it. I added chocolate milk to my decaf this morning, there being no cream, and it just didn't do anything for me. Oh well, it's just a day. It was fun this morning stepping on the scale here and seeing two pounds down; but this scale always weighs lighter than my one at home so I am not surprised. The feeling is a good motivator though, to remember what it feels like to lose weight; it's been so long I think somewhere inside there is a deep seeded belief that it can't be done, and it's that feeling that probably sabotages me more than anything else. I need to be reprogrammed! I am looking forward to the day when I have more interesting things to write about than all of this whining about being fat. It really is tiresome, no?

I would much rather write about the beach, because 'It's going to be a good day!"  First all of the trudging through the soft shifting sand and then getting up and down from the beach, squatting and shifting to build a sand castle, bracing my legs against the pull of the ocean; exercise doesn't get much better than this, although hiking through the forest to shoot my bow comes to mind as soon as I type that. Sigh, one day I will be able to do that again too. I swear. In the meantime, I'll be basking at the beach, in the curve below the seawall below.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

This and That

The drive down was nice consisting of light traffic,  a sit down Cobb salad for lunch, and thank heavens for air conditioning. I remember summer trips when the kids were small and driving home at night with the windows down so we wouldn't fry. A quick dip in the pool (97) and then later for dinner a piece of pizza with yummy roasted veggies and a couple of servings of a Cartwheel salad. I did indulge in a drink, diet ginger-ale and tequila, as I needed to relax and, well, visiting here is what it is sometimes.

Today we have errands planned, nothing much, and then to putter in the library and try to organize some of the clutter. It's a lovely room and deserves the attention, but we'll see how much Mom will agree to. I can see that at some point this will turn into a 'caring for an elder parent' rant, but not today. It's funny to think of myself in the middle of the generations we represent. 6 - 35 - 60 - 83. I'm the 60. Just weird, that's all.

As anticipated we have been puttering, me and my poor exhausted mother, but as she says, she wouldn't do anything if not 'bullied', my word not hers. A daughter of the depression, it's hard for her to throw anything away, but with some encouragement we are making progress. It helps her and keeps me moving; we would both rather just sit and watch tv today but we are not doing that.

All in all a quiet day interspersed with errands and sweating. We had left over pizza for a late lunch and salads for dinner. I needed a little more so PB on a graham cracker it was. A last treat was a small glass of chocolate milk for each of us. Now it's Wheel of Fortune and probably an early bed time. I'm not sure how I became such a positive person coming from so much negativity, or maybe that is why. Who knows.

Looking forward to being back at the beach tomorrow, and can hardly wait for that ocean breeze and a visit with my sis.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A quick note

Now that the furniture is back in place it looks pretty darn good around here - well, the front of the house anyway. I can leave to visit Mom with a clear conscious and come home to a clean house.

I am packed and ready to go, still unsure about tracking during my visit, and will probably just journal and then log everything when I get home. Maybe. In any case I am heading out knowing I will make good choices and come home a pound lighter.

That's right.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

A Job well done

My trip to the keyboard this morning is a way of reminding myself that I need to be careful today. I have already been working out back, and the sweat I worked for is still drying. I stopped for a couple of cuties as I finally felt hungry, and when logging them in my food journal I realized that while Fuhrman promotes breaking our fast with fruit (and usually only fruit) I am not quite there yet and with the tasks I have in mind for the day 80 calories was not going to cut it. Sure the oranges satisfied my immediate hunger, but I can see that later, after shampooing the carpet, I would be ravenous and there are still cookies in the kitchen, cookies I do not intend to eat.

So as a preemptive strike I made a vegan protein shake (ugh, I miss the Orenda Shape) with cashew milk, a splash of organic vanilla, and a small handful of cold red grapes from the fridge. Not too bad after the adjustments, and not bad nutrition wise. But by it's very nature it is too high in protein but I will skip the beans in my salad at lunch. Maybe, as they are so very important to balancing blood sugars and keeping me full. But that's later.

For now I am going to take a brief break, puttering around picking things up inside while sipping my shake and cooling off from the mowing, raking, weeding and stacking of wood that I have just accomplished out back. Then I'm for cleaning the carpets in the front of the house, making a salad and watching a show while I rest a bit, and then finally a quick shower before running errands. I need to stay focused, and not become a couch potato cookie monster. I am going to rock this day.
Back yard - check
Shampooing the carpets after a vigorous vacuuming - check
Salad for lunch - um, no.

At 12:30 after working on the carpets for an hour and a half I decided I needed stronger shampoo so I ran out to the drugstore and picked up some Oxy Clean since they had no actual carpet cleaning shampoo. I was so hungry (which I often don't fee) and BK was right there, and yes I drove through for a veggie burger. No soda, no fries, no dessert, just extra pickles and mustard on the burger. But I watched my calories the rest of the day and while my percentages were way off the total calories were fine. But I know not all calories are created equal - a discussion for another day - and I don't feel great about the BK choice.

I really exhausted myself today, sweating often and moving most of the day, but I accomplished what I set out to do, ending with cleaning the kitchen. And now I am DONE!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Fresh juice and lots of sugar

Wow, I knew it wasn't low, but seeing this in writing really makes me confident that my decision to limit sweet juices to an occasional treat is a valid one. Normally I would have used cucumbers to lower the sugar content this morning but I am out. I did add celery, but didn't want it to overpower the taste so I added the red grapes and my blend came out really nice; refreshing, a bit of gingery spice, and I am sure my brain will love the sugar infusion. And lets not forget all of the wonderful micro nutrients! My skin will be happy too.

Bottle in bag, decaf in hand, I will be off to work in just a bit, but had to take the time to look up the nutritional values of the juices; carrot, apple, celery and red grape. The ginger is so minimal I didn't add in the calorie, but all in all I made 8 cups of juice which filled three and a half bottles - so that is my serving size above. Three days worth of sugar in a single serving, but it's from whole foods, not refined cane, so I am not sure how to count it. Besides being a LOT.
I guess I am stressed by work, or the commute to get there I should say, and ended up driving through for a sausage biscuit this morning. Yes, I eat when I am bored. This meant having my juice for lunch with a handful or two of whole unsalted cashews and it worked out great. A veggie stew for dinner with bisquick lite dumplings completed the day's meals. And then M showed up with a bag of homemade oatmeal cookies. My guess is butterscotch chips were in them and so that is how I calculated the nutritional value. All in all my three days are spot on ratio wise, but way too high in sugar and sodium. Damn processed foods. But averaging about 1649 calories per day is great.

As those numbers glare up at my from their boxes on the spreadsheet I imagine I will eat more and more whole foods to get the sugar and sodium numbers down. I feel better this evening than I have been lately, not so bloated and a little less stiff; this is exactly the encouragement I need to keep going. 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Rotten Bananas

"Waste not want not!"  I learned this in spades working alongside my mother in law in the restaurant business years ago and I carried the lesson home. But a large banana no matter how close to being over-ripe and needing to be eaten up is too much sugar in the morning. However, my compulsion to eat them before they go bad can be tempered by common sense and I am going to cut the remaining two into halves and freeze them for future smoothies. Here is this morning's breakfast.

I am very peased about the cashew milk. No sugar, a healthy fat, low in calories, and my smoothie is super creamy and satisfying.  I did think about picking up fast food (I had been invited to breakfast with M and A but declined wanting to stay here and putter) but only for a moment. I had already had my decaf - oops, forgot to log my cream this morning; i'll add it now so it's in the daily totals later - and it was already getting warm out; it will be another triple digit day. So a cold smoothie seemed like just the ticket for breakfast, and I am glad I did. I know I burned out on them a few years ago when I was in losing mode, and I will moderate my use this time around in hopes that doesn't happen again. We should chew our food as much as possible, and a smoothie is still 'processed' no matter how healthy the ingredients. I will say it is a great vehicle for a blast of greens in the morning, as are roasted potatoes but that is another breakfast for another day - like next weekend when I am visiting Mom.

Back to sipping and puttering on a quiet Sunday morning.
What if my perspective is slightly skewed? I know from my favorite critical thinking class in college that we all look at things differently based on our personal experience. What if the trait I think of as obsessive and therefore avoid, is actually focus and I have misused this ability my whole life? What if I let myself go and become 'obsessed'  with my eating for a few weeks? Realizing that perhaps it is just me focusing on something important. Interesting. So in a flash of inspiration I created a summary sheet in my tracking file letting my 'focus' take hold and drive. Below is a sneak preview; i'll just copy and paste the totals from each day's record into the summary and post that each three days. In the meantime if I feel the urge to share something daily I will, and it won't be about me wasting time being obsessive, it will be about spending time to focus on something that really matters to me. Like my weight and how it relates to my health, so I added a weight column. Hey, I am down .2 pounds from the last time I recorded my weight on January 1st. Ha!

I can already see that this will be a good tool for gauging my eating habits from a broader view. Isn't that what the weight loss 'experts' say? To look at a long term graph and not the daily ups and downs? I am already thinking about drilling down this summary sheet (which is set up for three days) to a 30 day sheet and then use that to graph my progress. See how fast it snowballs? But I will think of it as focus and not obsession or compulsion and see where it takes me. So, I have given myself permission to be crazy for a month. "There are worse things I could do." 

Good Grief, it's Eleven O'Clock and I am still in my jammies - better get moving!
And here is how a few bad decisions can turn a day bad number wise. Eating leftovers and saying yes when asked if I wanted anything from In N Out. Everything was over. Too much. Fattening.

But the  idea of tracking is waking up to how each decision impacts your overall success or failure. I was short a few calories yesterday so that will help, and my summary sheet is formatted to track weekly. I can see how doing this before kept me focused, having to look up everything new to add the sugar grams takes time and some level of dedication. Ugh. There is a voice crying out inside of me that I am above this, that I shouldn't be doing this, that I just need to follow the Fuhrman six week program and not count anything. And then there is the reality of my body and how even knowing that I have not been doing it, and maybe I just need to do this instead for a bit to get headed back in the right direction. Like for a month so I can actually use my summary sheet.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

A good day despite a sweet ending

A and I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, picked up dog messes in the backyard, and then picked up the front of the house. We did the dishes, and had salads for lunch together on the clean dining room table. We ran out to buy a new blanket for one of the puggles, then went to the pool for two hours. Anyone who has been to a pool with an exuberant child knows this was a good workout for me.

Left overs for dinner, lasagna and garlic bread, and then a movie, "Strange Magic", which was cute but predictable. I guess at my age an innovative storyline should be unexpected.

Then M arrived home with chocolate frosty's for us both from Wendy's and there went my sugar for the day. I had been spot on for the day through lunch, even after having a banana for first breakfast, but of course the frosty threw my numbers out the window.  I had been keeping track today, for the first time in quite a bit, and while the calories are good, there is much to be desired for the amount of sugar. Here is the summary section showing the breakdown by meal and daily percentages of macro nutrients. If the sugar had been carbs from whole foods the percentages would have been just where I want them, though the protein is a bit high. Tomorrow will be better, I am making carrot soup from the leavngs of my carrot juice earlier in the week.

Now it's time for PJ's, bed, and some Dr. Who. Kaylee is scratching to be let in after refusing to come when I called her earlier, and as always I will be glad of the company.

Friday, August 14, 2015


Well, the Dr. was self assured and a little condescending. He is also one of the surgeons so I was nice, just in case. After listening to him I agreed to let him enter the referral for surgery and I am to call Monday to set the date. I'll also be calling to find out the difference in cost between having or not having a complete anesthesia during the procedures (3) on my hand. He made it very clear it is my right hand that needs the surgery, and I was just as clear that it's the pain in my left hand that needs to be addressed right now - so we start there.

TGIF, and for two days there will be no traffic, no work stress, and the freedom to putter about at home. When R gets home she has in mind to implement a routine of food and gym that she can stick to, and I will do the same. I think six weeks of Fuhrman and bike rides for me, plus my stretching. But first I need to get through one more quick trip down south to see Mom and D.

Back to work. Wish I still loved it.
I have eaten everything in sight without nutritional value; leftovers from the week and not the green variety. I can't wait, I have to begin tomorrow. Especially since M just let me know he is bringing cheesecake for dessert. That is a fitting farewell to eating badly for a while. Tomorrow I will clean out the fridge, make a tub of chopped veggies, make a jar of cashew milk green goddess dressing, and begin my six weeks. A pound each of raw and cooked veggies, four fruits, a cuppa beans or legumes, a tablespoon of ground flax and an ounce of seeds or nuts as a snack or in my salad each day. I can do one day, and then I will feel like doing another, and then I will feel like doing a week. I know this, I have done it before.

It's going to be hot this weekend, back up into triple digits, so I will take my bike ride early, and then putter in the back yard while I cool down.

Fruit for breakfast, salad with beans/legumes for lunch/ veggie soup for dinner, and fruit or carrots. for dessert. I'll use flax meal to thicken my dressing, and the cashew milk I use to make the dressing will be the cheat that keeps me sane. I know that about me too, as long as I feel I am getting away with something I can cope. I would really like to know where that stems from because it drives me nuts. Like I can fool myself? Like my right hand doesn't know when my left hand is adding sour cream?

By the twitching of my thumbs...maybe the something wicked is the carpal tunnel. Interesting thought. Time for dessert and an episode of beauty and the beast.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Mental games

I don't know if the electric charges they zapped me with during the testing yesterday have instigated today's zings and twinges or if I am just more acutely aware of they symptoms now that I have been diagnosed. But my hands are more tingly than ever and I'm getting little fire trails across the tops of a couple of digits. Fascinatingly weird. And damn the phlebotomist that drew blood a bit ago, I am still getting  pain along the nerve he hit; it's crisp and painful and I am about a day away from complaining to health services. What if this doesn't go away? Because as I like to say, I needed one more thing to complain about!

I'm still doing my finger stretches each day on the steering wheel while commuting, and my toes stretches while sitting watching tv. I've added mornings so the toes are actually getting stretched twice a day now and I think it may be helping the feet pain.

This has been such a long week with R gone. Today I left work exactly on time and arrived in town early enough to come home and take a quick nap before grabbing A, heating up a pre-made lasagna, and vegging out to Star Trek. M is home now and they are chilling together while I type; sending out a prayer to the universe - please give him the insight to see how it matters how he speaks to her and fill his tone with love no matter how tired he may be. I guess that goes for all of us.

So off to the Dr. in the morning to see what they have to say about my hands. I will remember to hear everything with a grain of salt and make no hurried decisions. I love and value my hands, I don't want to jeopardize their future.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Typing in braces

Well the nerve conduction test today showed moderate carpal tunnel in one hand and severe in the other. I already have an appt. with a hand specialist early Friday morning to go over surgery options. Ugh. The Dr. today said to forget the braces they gave me and to go buy some soft slide on supports from the drugstore and I did. I think I will be able to sleep in them, they are soft and not as bulky. And so it begins.

On a different front, I pulled out a beautiful blue dress that I would like to wear to a wedding in December; lacey and fun it would fit me if I lost twenty pounds. With optimism peeking it's head around the corner I have hung it up in my room for inspiration. Partly this comes from speaking to the Dr. today who did the testing on my hands. Her daugher is taking archery at school so I bragged about my gold medal, and she went on about how awesome that was and how I must have the gift of being able to focus.  I wished aloud that I could focus on myself and my health and she looked me in the eye and said it would happen. She was so clear and definite I just wanted to scoop her up and put her in my pocket to take with me; how wonderful it would be to have someone telling me that everyday. I know that I could be that person, and that I need to start again.

Positive affirmations, reading articles, doing restorative exercises by Katy. I wonder what would happen to my body if I could do that for six weeks. To my feet and hands and hips. Not to mention my brain.

Cuz these braces suck, and I want out.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Catching up and then diving in

I made juice Sunday, a bag each of carrots and apples, a couple thumbs of ginger and a couple of handfuls of dark red and purple grapes. So much for low sugar juices, but I had to use up the apples and I was out of greens. It is definitely decadent.

Monday was not so great. I had made a clerical error at work, and after all was said and done I had cost the client about $1k, and had to speak to the boss about it. He couldn't be more upset than I was, but telling him was awful, and I feel horrible. Felt horrible I should say and this morning I am suffering from swollen hands from the fast food fries I ate on the way home. Stress eater, how I hate that label no matter how fitting it is.

So today I am a little numb, mentally and physically, and as usual after a fall determined to have a good day. Sigh, off to work.
Kaiser made an appt for me, testing for carpal tunnel before they will do surgery on my trigger digits. Great. I needed ONE MORE THING!

The boss is still mad at me, I have a disgruntled worker on my team because of an ongoing problem with another (not so much) team member. Come on, can I get a break? No. Because we make those and I am too much checked out myself to apparently handle anything. Wow. This is a deep pity pool and must be drained quickly.

Positives. I am here with A, I made her and her dad dinner while the Mrs. is off to convention, there is love in my life if no passion, and there is a cool breeze stirring so I can open up the house.

Bottom line I am sad for myself because I can't seem to get a grip; I need American Ninja training.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

"Doing nothing seldom accomplishes anything."

It's a retro morning, my old original Gameboy DS, newly charged, is in the small capable hands of a six year old. She can read the instructions, has figured out all of the buttons, and is zooming through Crash Bandicoot like an old friend. Meanwhile I have spent a productive hour in the kitchen which was begging for attention after being ignored all week. The cleaning part, not the cooking, the cooking part we rocked. But sloth is one of the deadly sins, and while I don't think of dirty dishes as deadly, they are certainly a mood damper and must go.

Another beachy morning with clouds holding in the humidity and the promise of a warm beautiful day ahead. Apple pie for breakfast notwithstanding I have healthy intentions for the day. I will move, eat greens, and maybe juice some carrots. No more sugar, my daily allotment is more than gone with breakfast (at least it was a real pie from Sprouts without artificial ingredients) at about 5 tsp in my slice. But at least I am aware of what I have eaten and will take it into consideration when making decisions the rest of the day. Really...or I suppose I should say Hopefully.

Now A is on to Zelda, probably my first real personal digital addiction. I had maps, I had notes, I had hours and hours of mindless (well not quite) diversion and fun and a false sense of accomplishment. Okay, not so false, and not so mindless, but I would definitely disappear into the game just as I would a book. A living story if you will. Just hearing the theme music in the background makes me feel happy. Time to dress and work and take ibuprofen!
The idea of leftover spaghetti for lunch and having filled 3/4 of the green waste bin I am ready for a hydration break. An episode of Dark Matter is calling my name and the act of eating and watching tv remains a horribly bad habit. Eating and listening to a book is never enough, I have to be engaged three ways for it to work; eating, listening and driving or eating and watching tv (ears engaged) are the usual ways for me to take meals. Of course given a choice eating dinner at the table with the family is preferred but not often in the offering. Lately it's me and A in front of the tv for dinner, and while I know I am teaching her a bad habit, not even for her can I seem to stop. Not to say I'm a bad grama - I don't load her full of sugar and then get mad at her for acting out like some may do with their grandchildren.  We're all graded on someone else's scale, either in our mind or at the pearly gates, no?

Thursday, August 6, 2015

A cool morning turned bad

I love these cool summer mornings, and being able to invite Kaylee to snuggle with me without burning up. On the way to work I skipped breakfast in order to stop at the Lab for my follow up blood work the Dr. had ordered to see how my thyroid meds were doing. Or rather, how I was reacting to them. Overall I don't see much of a change so it will be interesting to see the results.

Afterwards I stopped for my decaf coffee with cream and couldn't help but reminisce a bit over yesterday's sugar. But all it took was a brief moment of reflection upon what the sugar does in our bodies to make me content with my current cup. With the 'added' sugar portion of my life under control it's time to thin out the desserts that crop up at home way too often. Along with bread and cheese. But I am making progress, indulging less and less often. I can't remember the last time I picked up a loaf of bread. I do remember that I have been actively saying no to myself every time I think how lovely it would be to have cheese and crackers for dinner.

Speaking of dinner, A and I are throwing together a chicken pot pie tonight and I need to stop and pick up stock and a container of mirepoix on the way home this afternoon. Not that A cares about the veggies, she is all about the 'dough and gravy'. That's my girl. But I (we) are saying no to her sweet tooth more often and she actually ate a little broccoli with dinner last night. 

Sigh, I should be working, not blathering, so off I go.
A full afternoon has left me tired, and the results of this morning's blood work have me a little down. I went in to get massaged and stretched before heading towards home, picking up a few items at the store and three small children before I arrived. Two hours of swimming, then home to make chicken pot pie for the Fam's dinner. (A had two servings, veggies and all!) While it was cooking I headed back out to pick up dog food and I am more recently just in from taking out garbage. So yes, I have been moving all day, I am sore in many many places, and tired to the bone. I will not be doing any dishes tonight.

So I have some thinking to do. My bad cholesterol went up and my good cholesterol went down. That sucks, but given the amount of ice cream eaten in the past few months not really surprising. And my ATL numbers were back up - and OMG here I am venting about personal health problems twenty years too soon. I've been doing it all year, and it angers me. I need to channel this anger, but after writing here for almost ten years I have solved nothing, apparently learned nothing, and am in pretty much the same place as when I started.

I do have a better handle on being grateful, and I am gainfully employed, but in the long run it's hasn't helped my health or weight or peace of mind. I won't say what's the point, because the act of writing does give me a certain sense of release, and at times even joy as my fingers fly across the keyboard.

But I am disappointed on so many levels. Super Big Sigh.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

And watch god laugh

I slept hard, waking later than usual, and after quickly throwing myself together and taking care of my morning chores (yes, the dogs need their breakfast too) I headed out to drive through for coffee and a biscuit. My first sip of coffee slammed into my senses, all of a sudden taste and smell shifting into high alert. SWEET! OMG, they had given me someone elses order and there was sugar in my coffee. A lot of sugar, best guess is between 6-10 shots from their dispenser, and I froze with cup in hand as I waited for the traffic light to turn green. There was no impulse to throw the coffee out the window, just a wondering about how sweet the coffee was. A second sip and I was hooked, and I must say the guilt was minimal at best.

Arriving at work I was..hyped up? Scattered? Unfocused? Flying might be a good description, without a destination in mind I might add. I have just caught myself sitting here sorting through my options on what to begin working on when I realized I was flitting from one project to another in my mind without my body settling anywhere to actually begin working. This sucks. And I am suddenly afraid of the crash that will surely be coming. Wondering how long that may be my interest is suddenly not in doing the work I am getting paid to do but rather on documenting my sugar high. Well, this is productive!

Back to work. Effing sugar. So this is how the universe repays my rant from yesterday, "make plans and watch god laugh."
After work I picked up A and we went grocery shopping together, then headed home to make dinner together. I love working in the kitchen with her, my little helper. I think R has signed her up for cooking classes, and I'll be leaving work early to take her come the Fall.

I never did have the crash I was expecting this afternoon, but I had two pieces of fruit at work, probably defraying the expected damage. Now it's definitely time to hit the sheets.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

That sugar film

Unable to sleep last night I ordered a movie on demand and for $8, about the cost of a fast food dinner that I rarely indulge in anymore, I was reminded about why I no longer add sugar to anything and avoid processed foods. The information gleaned from That Sugar Film was not new, but presented in a way I hadn't considered before. Showing the effects in our body of how excess sugar contributes to a fatty liver, triglycerides in our blood stream, and a foggy brain was just the scientific data that I needed last night. It would have been nice to have seen it before I indulged in a lemon yogurt that has 7.5 tsp of sugar. It's no wonder I love this treat that tastes like lemon meringue pie. As an aside, the new guidelines for a woman in the US is six tsp of sugar daily to maintain health. Look at these ingredients, sugar in the fruit puree as well as a stand alone ingredient plus honey. Whew.

Especially pertinent to me in the file was the data on fruit juice, and of course I thought about using fruit in my juicing, and why the ratio of veggie's to fruit is so vital. No more Sunday morning rainbow juices of oranges and apples except on very special occasions. It's a liver killer. I vow to myself here and now that the fruit will always be used sparingly as an accent to the veggies that predominate my juices. I mean, I do know that food in it's natural state is always a better choice, but somewhere along the line (think fat sick and nearly dead) I started thinking of juicing as a way out of my own personal hell. And I am sure that those who can abstain from all other choices and only intake juice for six weeks or more would benefit from all the streamlined nutrition. But I don't think I am (and therefore am not) one of those people. Not right now anyway. And while I do need the nutritional blast I enjoy from juicing while I am in this cooking slump, eventually I need to use it as mostly a vegetable supplement and occasional treat that I mix into a life of whole foods.

This film reminds me of how important it is for me to look outside myself for nutritional support from those I admire and look to for guidance. The three years I spent eating for nutrition I would google something everyday, or read from a Fuhrman book, or use a favorite McDougal recipe. This was my way of creating a supportive atmosphere in a hostile environment, and I need to get back to that survival practice.

I don't expect tonight meeting to deal with nutrition, but hopefully it will be support for my addictive nature. Attack on two fronts - it seems logical, and I seem ready.
No, no and no. I may be ready for something to change, but it is NOT going to be attending OA meetings. I left so depressed by all the negative vibes, but on my way out I also knew that my path forward would have to include laughter and camaraderie, not phone calls to let a sponsor know I had or hadn't eaten something. So at least I learned something. Not to disparage anyone who chooses this path, but I knew within five minutes I was in the wrong room. Rather than feeling a connection it was more like I was planning my escape from the moment I walked in. I stayed for the hour, took my turn reading, and listened thoughtfully trying to find some morsel of hope or inspiration. There was none, not felt by me anyway, just painful memories of Al Anon meetings rising up to haunt me from my past. Visions of empty vodka bottles stacked under the bed are a memory I could live without - at least they weren't under my bed, but in another bedroom of the house we were sharing with outlaws.  Those days are reserved for an especially psychotic section of my imaginary scrap book - I so loved taking care of the two little girls while at the same time dealing with the three adult addicts in the house. Four if you count me - I wasn't long in that atmosphere before I was doing shots of gin before noon and sewing with large glasses of red wine as my companion in the evenings. But I wasn't drunk, just stressed out and coping. How I digress!

So back to the present (okay, I typed future and then replaced it with present) and the current challenges. The sugar film really opened my eyes to the fact that sugary food really does have the same impact on our brain chemistry as love - so how does one get around that? I'll tell you how - greens and omega 3's. The challenge for me is to get started, which is why I went searching for support. But it looks like I need to ..excuse the phrase.. just do it.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Monday Monday....

I loved the Mamas & the Papas when I was a little girl. Visiting my Aunt Beth who lived next door I was enchanted by her records, and loved any excuse to spend time with her. For some reason listening to this particular album with her carved a lasting memory into my brain and to this day I love the songs.(Monday Monday: listen here). I also think about spending a seventh of our lives on Monday and usually resist the urge to contribute any additional stress or moodiness to the day. Today's strategy was  working through lunch and heading home early; the traffic was still tiresome but the cool breeze that awaited me at home was lovely and brushed aside the slight irritation of the commute.

Now it's almost eight and I am berating myself for not making it out back to do some more work; there is some more deadwood from the tree to fit into the greenwaste bin. The reality is that I obviously needed a day to recoup after working hard yesterday. Most daily chores I can moderate my work, but outside I forget I need to do that and just go for it. My Bad.

I am so grateful for the cool air coming in through my bedroom window, for the sounds of a disney movie drifting back from the living room where A is watching while her Mom (I am guessing) is browsing away on her phone while keeping her company. A quiet domestic evening - a simple pleasure but the kind I especially love being of a mostly quiet nature.

I had yesterday's leftover juice today, and there is a bottle left for tomorrow. I'm thinking carrot juice  on Wednesday for the next base as I picked up a huge bag of organic juicing carrots not long ago and want to use them while they are fresh. I'm thinking spinach, apples and ginger will be wonderful additions. Just keep it simple and use up what I have.

As I have noted before I recently discovered and became hooked on Mike & Molly. On a whim I searched locally for an OA meeting and found one not too far away; it's tomorrow evening at seven and if I remember I am going to drive over just to give it a once over. If there is anyone or anything I connect with, even just an inkling, I will give it a try. Years and years ago I searched and the one meeting listed at that time had been closed down, but this looks active and has a posted topic so I am a little hopeful. Some support in a social setting would be nice without having a specific eating program attached to it. And now I am shushing the bratty little voice in my head suggesting I am above this sort of thing - because obviously I am not.

Time to find something to fill an hour so I am not in bed too early; I want to sleep well and dream sweet.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Pineapple Grapefruit Juice

Yesterday was a typical reboot day; laundry, dishes, picking up, too much tv in between loads. Today I filled up the green waste bin again after chainsawing off a couple of more limbs, this time from the privet tree at the back of the yard.

Juice today was spinach, pineapple, grapefruit, ginger, lemon, sweet potato, carrot & cucumber. The grapefruit is dominant, with a slightly sweet back taming all the citrus. The kind of juice you think, oh, too tangy, but then can't help going back for sip after sip until your bottle is gone.

Breakfast was homemade wild blueberry pancakes by R and lunch was a banana with peanut butter. I want to get cleaned up and have something nice for dinner but I suspect I will be too tired for the 2nd part after accomplishing the 1st objective. Showers are tiring, especially after sweating away in the back yard.

Looks like it will be back down in the 80's for the week, so hopefully I will get some more work done out back. That's my goal, to keep chipping away at it until I actually want to be out there. To have my morning coffee on weekends and a drink come friday prevening. It's a shame I have let it go so long, but it is what it is and I'm making progress. Of course I will do practically anything in lieu of cleaning the bathroom.

Speaking of which, it's time to go wash all these tiny flowers and sawdust out of my hair.