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Sunday, August 27, 2017

Nutrients

Watching 'What the Health' on Netflix reminded me of some of the many reasons I began eating for Nutrition back in...2008? I don't remember exactly. What I do remember is that for the three years I concentrated on feeding my body well, I was feeling better, having more energy and slimming down without suffering. So what happened? Why am I fat and unhappy about it? Well, unhappy in some moments and could care less in others which is the crux of the problem and has been for a while. Remembering to care becomes exhausting when coupled with working full time. I long for the days when I could meal plan, prep in advance and enjoy chopped salads for lunch and nutrient rich soups and stoups for dinner without being overwhelmed by it all.  And spending much of the day on the computer doesn't leave my back in any shape for food prep. I am still modifying my behavior from the repetitive motion injury that started back in 2004 when archery was still in the picture. Another source of grief, not being able to shoot.

So for the last few weeks I have been adding in more nutrition, cutting back on the easy fast food, and talking myself out of having a snack in the middle of the night - well, sometimes anyway. That's a hard one as I'm no longer using any night time sleep help and bread is my go to comfort food. Luckily there isn't usually much of that in the house.

I think watching puss drain from an infected pig carcass in the movie has cured my longing for a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's - hopefully permanently. And I am working more normal hours so I have more time and energy to think about what to eat.

Yesterday I had real coffee in the morning with cream and sugar - another treat on the way out - and wasn't hungry until brunch time. I spent the morning working in the back yard, mowing up fox tails and giving all of the trees a good soak in preparation for a sizzling weekend. It's a good think to work before eating because then I am hot and wanting something cool instead of being cold and craving something hot. Win Win.  Brunch turned into a  Shape smoothie, adding frozen spinach, my daily tablespoon of ground flax, red grapes, and a small banana. I used unsweetened almond milk, and it was green and delicious. Well, it's always green and delicious, but just a little more so yesterday.

Today I am making parfaits using frozen berries, Cashew yogurt with honey & vanilla, and scoops of flax & hemp hearts.  These thicken up overnight and make a dense filling breakfast that I can feel good about. I am playing with the idea of mixing in a shape packet with the cashew yogurt to give each parfait a bit of a nutritional lift, We'll see.

Nothing playing at the movies this weekend, and I caught up all of the laundry yesterday so I am thinking about how to spend my time. There are several projects I could work on, but already my bed is calling for a quick morning nap. Maybe it was the hash browns and egg I had for breakfast....


Monday, August 21, 2017

Monday Morning, a while later

I sat down to write because today feels different. But after deleting a dozen first sentences maybe not so much has changed within me after all. I work. I do dishes and laundry. I play with my golden girl and her new most assuredly adorable little brother. Coming home and being with family has become my world.

I wanted to write about this past Friday, and my sister in law being laid to rest, but I find my emotions still too raw. Yesterday I dreamed of going to a therapist and declaring that I didn't know there was still so much anger in me. Maybe that was therapeutic enough, maybe another chink in my armour has fallen away or at least begun to chip. Oh yes, I love analogies and words and sentences that for a moment make me feel empowered. But I long for real change, for steps going forward. 

I also love quotes that give me hope. The latest, "It is not our memories that define us, but what we do". I hate to think what the past years say about me. But one thing I can be sure of is that no matter how slow I travel this route, I have not quit. I have not sat down at the side of the road with my head in hands.

Off to work and another productive day; my lunch bag full of veggies, and good intentions tucked into every corner.