Maybe a little too much TGIF

It has been Friday all day. Not just any Friday, but the one before Superbowl Sunday. So there was a festive feeling simmering below the normal relief and joy of it being the end of the work week. And at some point in the afternoon I was alone in the office. Alone with the last box of holiday chocolates. I should have thrown the four little chocolates on the floor or out the door. But instead I ate them, and I am trying to not feel as though I just wasted all of the hard work I put in this week. Big Sigh.

I'm not sure why I ate the chocolate today. Or why I ever go off plan for that matter. There was no big buildup, no tension, no drama. Just a sudden decision to have the chocolate. Who knows, maybe these little blips are what keep me going. A small indulgence apparently goes a long way to taming any thoughts of giving up? I wonder what the damage actually was. Calories? Maybe 800 tops? So a quarter pound that I didn't lose?  Or is the sugar the worst of it, the blast to dopamine receptors?

I did make it to the store for groceries on the way home from work, and R cooked up the ribs I found on sale in the instant pot. Always so delicious and perfectly tender. I threw together coleslaw (very minimal honey in the dressing) and corn went into the microwave. Now THAT is fast food.

(b)   Sprouted whole grain raisin bread, sharp cheddar cheese, apple

(l)   Chili w\ sr cream

(s)  chocolates

(d)  Ribs, corn, coleslaw

Valerian and the City of  a Thousand Planets, that's my post-dinner diversion. Dinner was very satisfying, and I am relaxed and content to be home. 

 

I'm still not sure about Sunday, and being around the snacking. I'm thinking lunch will be a plate of appies, and I'll have chicken wings and home made potatoe wedges and coleslaw for dinner; we'll see. I understand how celebrating without food may have it's value, but humans have traditionally - historically for millennium - used food to gather and celebrate. And, I am human.  Just like the other Holidays that have come and gone while following Bright Line Eating, I will keep flour and sugar to a minimum, take little tastes instead of large servings, and hopefully enjoy a great football game and commercials with the family. Then back on track with Bright Lines on Monday.

I hope I am not fooling myself, that in the long run I don't look back and regret these forays into the dark side after realizing in hind-sight that I was keeping my brain from a full recovery. But I have a fortune from a cookie on my desk at work that says, and I quote, "Always follow your heart and you will never be wrong." And my heart, and gut, are telling me to loosen the reigns for special occasions.

So for now I will continue as I started, and hopefully the scale will agree in the morning.

Food of course, do I talk about anything else?

When a two year old asks his Mommy to make pumpkin pie because, "it's so delicious", you can hardly complain. I did take one small taste, no crust, and it truly was delicious. I also had two very small bites of sweet potatoe fry, I think of the frog from Alice in Wonderland saying, "but I was so hungry!" Just before the red queen said, "Off with his head!".  Enough quotes?

A nice quiet evening after a busy day. I hate it when I have to step up and be professional and speak to other professionals. In a way it's quietly gratifying that I do know what I am talking about and what I say is validated by another. But it's very small recompense for the responsibility and pressure. At some point I need to make my boss understand the importance of my position. Oh Well.

(b)  Breakfast sausage, toast, strawberries
(l)  Chili, apple
(d)  Potroast, including mostly potatoes for the veg (you can't be choosy when poaching leftovers)

I am down to one meal in the fridge, my bad, but I am mentally exhausted each day after work and have been unwilling to stop at the store on the way home. Usually I would have cooked last night, but it didn't happen due to aforesaid reasons.  So tomorrow my plan is to go to Sprouts at lunch and hopefully they have their meatball soup that's full of spinach. While there I can pick up something to cook for dinner, and if not at least I have chili left over for one last dinner at home. Oh, and there is oatmeal for breakfast.

I suppose I should say something about the toast this morning. I was out of Ezekiel bread, so I had some Dave's seeded bread - Yes! I ate flour! And my stomach felt heavy and knotted and horrible afterwards. I think it's been a month since I had flour - maybe the cinnamon roll at Christmas? Anyway, it didn't send me into a spin, and I was right back on track at lunch. Rezooming, SBT calls it. While I am hungry as is usual in the evenings, I am not the old crazy searching in the kitchen kind of hungry, but the new I think I need another meal type of hungry.

Every night it's the same thing, but at least I can talk myself down by thinking about my immune system working on it's mission to heal and repair overnight, and how it's fun to watch the small but steady changes my body is making. Today I noticed that my forearms look different - I can actually see some muscle definition. So exciting!

One more day and then another weigh-in Saturday morning. It has really been working for me, the scale being out in the garage; I don't think about it during the week at all - no mind games, no deals with the devil, it's been great. I think I must have lost again this week, I've been hungry so often.

When you yawn so large your jaw feels like it's going to crack, it's time to call it a day. Hola!

Demons & Angels

"We never lose our Demons, we only learn to rise above them". So sayeth the Ancient Master in Dr. Strange. This seemed appropriate to hear after reading some blogs and opinions online about Bright Line Eating that were less than enthusiastic.  Some of the comments were aligned with my thinking and behaviors, and some I didn't agree with because they weren't in line with my experience so far. But I am old enough and mature enough to understand that while our human bodies work in basically the same ways, the devil is in the details.  So much DNA, so many genetic anomalies; genes that can be expressed or not, influenced by other genes or proteins or the minerals in the dirt where our food was grown. Something like that, and it all points to the whys and wherefores that make us different from each other in a million little ways.

I never wanted to feel like I was dieting, I have said this over and over, and I do envision a time in my life where I can have Friday night desert with the family, and a really good slice of pizza. But that time is not now, and for me Bright Line Eating is a life line. Because it does speak to so many of the crazy things I have felt and thought and done in my life pertaining to weight and health that have kept me in a body too big and unhealthy to enjoy. So kudos to Susan P Thompson for being an Angel and bringing the big beautiful science to so many of us who have struggled for so long to be in a right sized body.

(b)  Sharp cheddar cheese, triscuits, strawberries
(l)   Cobb Salad, banana
(d)  Sirloin, steamed cauliflower & onions

I am cozy in clean pajamas and freshly washed hair. I'm full of herbal tea and watching\listening to Dr. Strange and  maybe admiring Benedict Cumberbatch a little bit. Not really my type, but I love his voice and he is ever so interesting.

Time to join the family for a bit before bed, and introduce some laughter into my evening.

Good News

Zero cancer cells detected out of 3 Million in the 'deep sequencing' test from C's recent bone marrow test. ZERO! Amazing news today, and so very happy to hear it.

We have signed up for the Imperfect Food program, and our first delivery is this coming Thursday. I am excited about my Friday morning breakfast, as there is a sprouted whole grain raisin bread in the order! Raisin toast with sharp cheddar cheese on top will be breakfast along with some strawberries. Such a silly thing to look forward to, but life is in the details, no?

(b)  Hot cereal, pecans, bananas
(l)  Chili, apple
(d) Sirloin, roasted veg, green salad

Star Trek Beyond is playing, nothing like some Captain James T. Kirk to brighten up an evening. Earlier we were taking turns playing with C; making tents and monster noises once A was done chasing him around the house. Just exhausting, but he spent most of the evening laughing so mission accomplished. Go Us.

I'm already wishing it was Friday, and that I had the oomph to drive down to visit my Mom. I need to take a long weekend to go see her soon. Hopefully the weekend after next, but it will depend on work - of course. Always work work work. Blech, to steal a word from Snoopy.

Chills and a longing for bed distract me, and I have nothing to add.

Thoughts are Things

I have decided that when I have grumblies in my tummy, to quote Pooh I think, it means that my body is working away at using up stored fat instead of glucose. I was using this as a positive affirmation on the drive home today. If my stomach is grumbling then it's a good thing, and each time I feel this I am losing weight. Those are my thoughts, and I will practice envisioning them as  manifesting as truth. I needed a positive spin on this daily phenomena to quiet my saboteur. A roadblock to any whim that might arise on the way home of stopping for dinner; to forestall an inner battle about what I can rationalize into an acceptable choice. Because really there aren't many, and I would rather stay away from the fast food.

It was a typical Monday; the non-stop, work through lunch and stay late kind of busy. And another new client, bless my Boss's heart. He thinks we are magic, we just make it all look so easy I guess. I really need to pass on some of my workload, and soon.

(b)  Hot grain cereal, banana & tart cherry, pecans
(l)   Lasagna with veggies & sausage, apple
(d)  Sirloin, cauliflower & Onions, green salad

C just came to visit, put in his request for bubble guppies and a blanket, and is now all cozied up with me on the bed. He is probably exhausted. First he rounded out his belly with spaghetti, then played a combo of chase\hide & seek with his sister; watching him eat and then the two of them play together is a favorite past time for the rest of us.  Now he is ready to crash for a bit, and we noticed tonight that ii's nice to see his cheeks rounding out after how thin he had become. I'm guessing that the feelings he is developing now with A will create a very close bond when they are older. After they get past the ruckus that will undoubtedly come when she is driving and he needs to be driven - about 9 and 17 and she wants to hang out with friends and he needs to get to some kind of team practice and the adults are all working.

Time to listen to some of my boot camp module for the week. It's always good hearing Susan's voice, and there is always a gem in there somewhere no matter how much I think I know at this point about Bright Line Eating.

Out of Sorts

Here I am again, not looking forward to another Monday.  I don't know why this has been such a thing lately, perhaps it's my age and I'm just tired of working. I'm going to chock it up to just being tired period, and it just happens that tomorrow I have to dance to another's time table and won't be able to lie down in bed or curl up on the couch to rest at a moment's whim like I can at home.

I had to buy a hot water heater today, there's a grand out the window, which may help explain my mood. I don't think anyone had a good day here for one reason or another, and that has taken it's toll too. We all just need a dose of Harry Potter or ice cream or something. C has been on daily chemo and steroids all week, and his emotions and stamina have been compromised for sure. It's hard knowing he is being poisoned and not being able to do anything. How on earth are any of my petty concerns meaningful in that light. Moving on.

(b)  Ezekiel toast, sausage, tangerines
(l)  Chili, apple
(d)  Sirloin, cauliflower & onions

I made oatmeal this morning, four servings ready to go for the upcoming week; two with tart frozen cherries, one with banana, and one with cherries & banana. The protein in all four dishes is 2oz chopped pecans.  I have four chili, and two veggies dishes, and left over sirloin to add to the veggies. There is acorn squash to bake later this week, and corn in the freezer. So I should be good through Thursday before cooking again.  There are apples, grapes & strawberries for my lunches, and a bag of salad greens in the fridge for dinners. That's the plan. 

I have discovered that my rebellious streak won't let me plan exactly what to eat for each meal, but instead to have a few choices that are all on plan that I can choose from depending on my mood and the weather. The night before I make sure there is food for the next day, but commit only to eating on plan, not necessarily which dish. Note: this is not how the Bright Line Eating has been presented to me, it is how I have tweaked it to work for me.

I have Chamomile tea brewing, and I'm ready to call it a day - it's only 7:30pm. My door is unlocked, so C can come in if he wants to play or snuggle. I have Ponyo queued up on Netflix in case he wants to come lay down with me, but he will tell me he wants super heroes or bubble guppies and of course his whim is my command. My precious A has not been forgotten; I picked up lunch fixings for her school lunches and we play footsies on the couch while watching tv. We even snuck in a game while C was napping yesterday.

A crick in my neck is screaming at me and I need to go lie down. Thank heavens for my soft, warm bed.

Bright Line Eating; week 16 in review

Down another .8 lbs. It may not sound like much, but it's almost a pound. And when recording my weight in paper journal I am keeping, I can't help but note that I have continued to lose over the course of four holidays, a trip to the movies, numerous trips to the dentist, and most recently a death in the family. In 16 weeks I have lost a total of 17.6 lbs.  My clothes are fitting better, and a couple of pairs of pants I can no longer wear they are so big. I think my skin is looking better on my face, and I can really notice when my hands are less swollen in the mornings.

At times I have broken my Bright Lines for a meal, or a snack, but never for a whole day or even most of one. I am, in Susan's words, unstoppable. And while I sometimes feel after weighing myself that I wish I had made healthier choices so that I would have lost more, the point is that I lost. That I continue to try and succeed; I am not the hare in this race, but the tortoise, and I will win.

I am posting in the morning, so while breakfast is what I have already eaten, lunch and dinner are noted below as planned. This is a significant difference, because journaling here what I have eaten for the day is my way of being accountable. To the world at large, and to myself. Because that is the best I can do right now. And for the most part it's working.

(b)  sweet potatoe, onion, pepper hash, 2 eggs over easy, banana
(l)  meatballs, green beans, apple
(d)  lasagna, cauliflower salad w\cabbage, bacon & onion

The kids are taking the kidlets to the lantern show at the fairgrounds tonight, so the house will be quiet for a while. This is usually a time of challenge for me; left alone to my own devices. So I have planned a filling dinner, hoping I will be less likely to snack or give in to the call of a treat.  My chores were caught up yesterday, and I am wondering what I should do this evening to keep occupied.  Maybe painting? I love that idea. Or maybe work on A's room to surprise her.

LOL! I will probably find a movie to watch and curl up on my bed with a big soft blanket.

But for now, it's time for the finale of the Great British Baking Show - season 8 I think, and the family is calling. I truly am blessed.

A Day Off

Mostly it was a quiet day, and the first half of it I accomplished much. Plans changed and I wasn't needed after all, but instead of going to work I took the day for myself. I did laundry & dishes, I cleaned out a couple of pantry shelves & cleaned the front bathroom, and put away odds and ends that had become clutter. Then I showered and tried to lay down for a bit. I ended up watching a few episodes of a new series on Netflix, but I doubt I'll continue watching, not liking the bent the story is taking.

(b)  Oats, milk, strawberries
(l)  Refried beans, last of the carnitas with cheese, salsa, sr. cream & olives
(d) Hamburger soup, chopped salad

Hamburger soup this time was: hamburger sauteed with onions, then pressure cooked with bok choy, mexican zuchinni, canned black beans & canned crushed tomatoes. Cumin, Chipotle chili powder, oregano & garlic powder were the seasonings. So almost chili like. It really needed salt and instead I added some Parmesan.

I didn't weight out meat and veggies, just divided the whole mess into six portions. That's less than 4oz of protein in each dish, so I can add the Parmesan that it needs without breaking any Bright Lines.  I didn't weigh my salad either, just eyeballing it, and I'll bet I was pretty close to spot on 8oz. Lots of carrots, cauliflower, cilantro and green onion.

I just didn't want to feel the constraints of weighing my food today.  Breakfast was made a couple of nights ago, so that was definitely on plan, but lunch was just leftovers and I forgot the fruit. But I know the portion was close on protein if light on veggies. I think my 'tired' just crept into my brain today while my body was active.

This weekend I'll purge the freezer of fruit and pack up some breakfast containers. I need some plain yogurt to soak my oat cereal blend in with the berries from the freezer.  Or maybe I'll just make some muffins and use nuts and eggs for the protein - that may be the ticket.

Big Yawn. Time for jammies and finishing my book. I worry a little that this being weary so much has a little to do with depression, and the impact that C's passing has had on my emotional state. But I don't think I am hiding from my feelings, I'm just sort of numb right now.

Que sera sera.

Team Work

Today went well at the office. Between the private talks I have with the team members, and the weekly meetings, we seem to be gravitating back towards actually feeling like a team again. It helps that the new year's crush is letting down, and everyone is bringing their best to the table each day. It's such a relief; they are all good people, and I love them.

It was a long day; the kids went to see The Gentlemen and I stayed home with the kidlets. Really it's mostly just about being here, they pretty much entertain themselves and we have a lot of fun together. But I am worn out.

(b)  Sausage, triscuits, banana
(l)  meatballs, green beans, apple
(d)  lasagna, cooked mixed veggies (peas, corn, onion, turnip)

No work tomorrow, so I can sleep in if I want. We are going out to the Chapel to meet with family and decide on service arrangements for M's mother. Sad business that, but we have some experience. I'm merely support, the kids are taking care of everything.

I'm not worried about meals. I have food here already portioned out, and I know how to eat out on plan if we end up going out to eat.

I'm not thinking very clearly, and heading to bed so I can crash.

Identity Shift - A Work in Progress

It was a quiet busy day at work, with a smattering of fires to put out. Upon seeing the box of bakery brownies in the kitchen at work, I took a moment to think about them. The same vendor sends the same thing each year, and I have a distinct memory of eating them despite not being terribly impressed. That made it easy to ignore them. Then in the afternoon I noticed a cupcake on someones desk; another team member had brought in a banana-chocolate chip muffin to share. Another easy no.

I didn't have an appetite this morning. I had soaked oats and strawberries with pecans in milk the night before, and heated them up in the microwave at work, but just didn't feel like eating so closed them back up for tomorrow's breakfast. Just in a bit of a funk I think.

(l)  meatballs, green beans, roasted turnip and onions
(d) lasagna, broccoli salad

So as usual here I am, in my room, hungry, typing away before settling in for some TV. In the kitchen there are snacks galore, but I am more interested in Happy, Thin and Free than I am in cheating or sneaking or justifying having my breakfast at this late hour. Okay, not really late at 8pm, and over three hours since dinner. But I want my immune system working tonight, which it won't do if I am busy digesting food. So a hard pass on having breakfast.

I am watching a couple of the Bright Line Eating boot camp modules each night, and last night Susan was speaking about identity. I want what she has, to identify myself as someone who just doesn't eat flour and sugar. As someone who is living a life instead of wasting time obsessing about food; you know, the whole what, where and when of things that can take up most of the room upstairs at any given moment. I have a goal of doing this for a year, and if I continue to lose weight I'll switch to one plate of food instead of weighing everything. And see how that goes. I pretty much think I could do it now, but I want to hit some milestones first. I want to be under 200 lbs, and fit into size 16 jeans. Then I can stop weighing my food and test those waters.

I just need to keep watching myself make good decisions, and trust in myself to care. Year of pretending not to care, interspersed with long stretches of just really not caring, have done some damage to my psyche I think. But I do care now, and I want a future that doesn't include prescription drugs or a walker. I want to be a person who has time to paint, and write, and go on walks with my grandchildren. And I will be. I just need to keep doing this one day at a time until I arrive.

Sadness, and a slight case of snacking

This evening my daughter's MIL passed. It was sudden, and while unexpected, still not a surprise. I have mixed feelings of sadness and relief; she had dementia and diabetes and we couldn't afford the full time care that she needed. Not that she wanted that, the cantankerous old bird (may she rest in peace). I loved her stories, and had gotten to know her a little better the past couple of years since she moved to town to be close to her son. Or rather, since we moved her to town to be taken care of more easily.

I came home from work early to stay with the kidlings while their parents were at hospital, and eventually snacked my way through what was to be my dinner. Stress eating, that's me. I bent my bright line against flour, having some organic ground corn chips - the healthier version of a frito if there is such a thing. Less salt and oil and non-GMO corn. While I wasn't crazy about them, C was and had a few cup fulls while watching his Bubble Guppies who have taken his attention away from Paw Patrol. A nice change.  I'm glad he has something he can disappear into while going through treatment. A and I on the other hand, watched Coco, which we really like.

(b)  vermont cheddar cheese, triscuits, banana
(l)  lasagna, banana
(s)  2nd cuppa decaf coffee with my oat\coconut blend creamer
(d)  4oz beef jerkey, 2oz corn chips, sip of amaretto

So of course now it's bed time and I'm hungrier than usual since I didn't have my salad or cooked veggies at dinner. I am tempted to have a bowl of broccoli salad, but I've made enough exceptions today.

I hold a picture of M's mother in my head, and know I will miss her sense of humour, and how she would kiss me goodbye after dropping off groceries or getting back from an errand. While she rarely said thank you, I knew she appreciated my efforts, and enjoyed my company too.  I don't really have any close friends right now, having isolated myself pretty completely over the past dozen years, and the tears I cry now are tribute to the friendship we had fashioned. Not knowing how to reference each other at introductions, we would just say, "our children are married!"

She was so young, in her 70's, just eight years older than I am. And as R pointed out, a reminder that we need to take care of ourselves. I'm glad I've already started, that I have a few months under my belt.

God I'm tired all of a sudden, and my pillow calls.

This and That

I'm happy with my food this week; warm and hearty dishes for cold days and nights. Plus the fresh crunchy broccoli salad at dinner is wonderful; it's delicious, takes a while to eat, and keeps me full. Win Win Win.

I was a little short on veggies this weekend so I roasted some extra onions and turnip when I got home today to add to the green beans I made on Sunday. I have three meals in the fridge, all with 4oz of green beans so I know I can add in 2oz of this new mix to top them all off. I seem to do better if I have a mixture of veggies with my meals instead of a single item anyway. How fortuitous that onions are on Fuhrman's top five list of nutritional foods. Another Win.

(b)  Triscuits, sausage, banana
(l)   Lasagna, apple
(d)  Meatballs, carnitas veggies, broccoli salad

I know I'm not writing out recipes, suffice it to say I usually cook my veggies either in the instant pot with my protein, or roasted in the oven. It keeps everything easy, and I know about how full a baking sheet has to be for three meals. Often I'll cook two trays at a time when roasting them in the oven, and I know to fill the instant pot as full as I can so I will have enough veggies for four meals.  Cooking them with a pound of meat, I know the protein will be slightly short on weight, but that's okay. I tend to side with the WHO for protein requirements which tends to be lower.

Chopping veggies can take it's toll, and each weekend I tend to overdo it a little bit. But I am committed and a few more ibuprofen after all I've taken the past dozen years shouldn't make a difference. What I really need to do is prep a veggies each day after work and pack them away in the fridge so that a couple of times a week I am ready to cook without the stress to my back.

Speaking of my back, I've wondered over the years since the injury (2004?) if losing weight would help. And I have often berated myself for that not being enough motivation to actually lose the weight.  Why can't our inner voices, our saboteurs, be constructive. Working with us towards optimal health instead of worrying about storing fat for a rainy day? We need one of those evolutionary leaps that takes ours brains past survival to thriving. Anyway, it will be interesting to see what happens to my activity and pain levels as I continue to lose weight.

My goal this week is to start moving away from animal protein. I know it's not good for me, or the planet, and it's been more on my mind the longer I am doing Bright Line Eating. I would like to get back to a WFPB diet, and I know there was a file of recipes in my boot camp material.

I'm wearing out; time to lay down and see who might beat Bobby Flay tonight.

Meatballs and Broccoli Salad

Sins of yesterday: (4) lemon cookies, handful of peanuts

I want to know why I have such an urgent need to eat when I am alone. It's so stupid, and such an old old bad bad habit; there is no place for this in my Bright Line Eating. So why did I do it? A was on her ipad, C was napping, and R&M left for dinner.  Five minutes later I was eating cookies. And this after celebrating another pound gone just that morning. Why on earth would I 'sneak' something I don't want just because I can without anyone knowing? Deep breath. let it go, yesterday is over & done.

Today has gone well, but all too quickly. I did my turn in the kitchen this morning, then made the meatballs and green beans as planned. I now have ten meals in the fridge ready for the work week, and enough broccoli salad for a couple of nights or more depending if anyone else shares it with me. I weighed out a pound of broccoli, all prepped into tiny trees, about half dozen green onions thinly sliced, and 2oz each of diced cranberries and diced pecans. The dressing was 4oz mayo, red wine vinegar, and less than a tablespoon of honey. If I had purchased this, the honey would be 5th on the list, and it's a small price to pay for the raw broccoli I just ate.

(b)  Ezekiel toast, PB, raspberries nuked until jam in the microwave
(l)  Meatball, roasted veggies, strawberries
(d)  Meatball, veggies left from the Carnitas, broccoli salad

I say Meatball singular because they are almost mini meatloaves they are so big. Each one weighing in between 4-5oz, I don't worry about if they are over 4 since they are full of zucchini, green peppers, onions & fennel. If anything they are light on protein, which is how I am justifying the pecans in the salad.

But I am finally full after an afternoon of NOT snacking. Weekends are usually hard that way, and I often have my meals spot on the four hour mark, eating at 8, 12 & 4. It can make the evenings a little rough, but usually it's the only way I can make weekends work.

For breakfasts next week I have triscuits and Vermont white cheddar cheese or hard boiled eggs, or the last of the breakfast sausage. There are bananas, apples, oranges and strawberries to start the week and I'll do a small grocery stop for more fruit and veggies to roast. While I hate that tomorrow is Monday, it is usually easier to manage my food on work days when I have planned ahead like I have this weekend.

I finished my Kaiser application for Medicare today. What a relief it will be to stop paying the high premiums for insurance through work. I plan on choosing a new doctor, getting a physical, and doing something about the pain in my thumbs. Now that does make me feel old - but just for a moment. The blood labs they did last week cost $50. When I do my follow up labs on Medicare it will only be $10. This is why we need Medical for all!

Enough blathering on about not much of anything. Time to check the Bright Line Eating group and watch a vlog from Susan.

Bright Line Eating: week 15 in review

Total loss as of this morning: 16.8 lbs - Average

All things being considered, I was grateful to see a loss this morning after the week I had. I didn't break too many Bright Lines - though some might consider one too many - but it was the stress I had been under that concerned me, and the fall out in terms of poor planning. Slow and steady appears to be my speed and that's fine. I admit that sometimes I feel the urge to buckle down and be 100% on plan and lose faster, but the immediate and inflammatory response is rebellion. So I don't.

Speaking of rebellion, I'm thinking boot camp just isn't working for me. There are too many in the online support to make any real connection without a lot of effort, and I am too computer weary to want to sign on after work and put in the necessary time. I know it's important, and maybe at another time in my life I will follow through, but for now I just don't have the energy. I feel bad about spending the money, but would feel worse asking for a refund, so there it is, nothing to do about it.

I've been to the store twice today, and currently my lasagna is stinking up the joint in a most wonderful way. It's full of mushrooms, fennel, onion, bok choy and zuchinni. Sweet Italian sausage, anise seed, and Mrs. Dash table blend, and Mozzarella and Parmesan. I can hardly wait for dinner.  In the fridge I have groceries to make turkey meatballs (they will be full of green peppers, onion & the last of the fennel), more green beans with onion (and a little bacon), and roasted turnip, carrots, and bok choy to go with the meatballs.

(b)  Eggs over easy on rice and green chili
(l)  Carnitas, roasted veggies, orange sections and strawberries
(d)  lasagna, chopped salad

I have the grandkids for a while this evening while the kids have a date night, so I am posting early as I foresee a busy evening. A nap may be in order too!

I was so happy to see 215 on the scale this morning, and I am tempted to search the blog to see how long it's been since I last saw that number. I have a vague memory of being 210 when I started the job I'm at now in the Spring of 2012 - so about eight years. Crazy the whole thing. And 75 lbs to go until my first goal. But I will do it, I just know it with a certainty that I've had since first reading Bright Line Eating (baring a brief moment of crazy in the middle back there somewhere.)

So I'm excited to have another week of Bright Line Eating ahead of me, and excited to know this is really working.

Friday Night Pizza

Sins of the Day: a small 1" x 2" piece of pepperoni pizza, thin crust

I'm so glad it's Friday night. My work week was another challenging one, and I probably have one more before the imminent dust settles. Getting home from work yet again hungry & tired I made my dinner, then sat watching tv with C & M. R was at work late, and a pizza had been delivered. I asked C if I could have a bite, and he replied with an emphatic "No!"  So when he relented and was willing to share I accepted the piece he was offering. We are trying hard right now to teach sharing, mostly because he has discovered "Mine!"

He is two after all, going on three. The bite was not everything it could have been, but it was tasty. I was surprised that it didn't prompt me to want or have more, but it didn't and I seem to be fine. It's at times like this I wonder if I am, after all, closer to an eight than a ten on the Bright Line Eating susceptibility scale. I think back over the Holidays and how many times I had a cookie or a chocolate and then was back on plan without a hitch. Who knows, certainly not me. I just know that I do better in my head when I abstain from flour & sugar so that will be my norm.

Tomorrow I weigh, and it makes me realize that having the scale in the garage is working. I haven't been obsessing at all about it. Now that it's out of the bathroom I'm not tempted to play games depending on what the number is.  It's so funny that I went without weighing myself regularly for years while the scale sat unused in the bathroom, but once I began weighing myself to record progress it instantly became an issue. Just a reminder of so many failures I suppose.

(b)  sausages, triscuits, banana
(l)   carnitas & veggies, apple
(d)  carnitas & veggies, chopped salad

Time to cook again tomorrow. I want to google some ideas and make something different. Maybe some 'bbq' beans, that sounds good during this cold spell we are having. And I definitely want to make more pumpkin custard for some breakfasts. Having the tub of chopped veggies worked really well this week and I ate salads every night but maybe one. So I'll do that again, changing up the veggies; maybe some yellow peppers and cauliflower this time.

Gotta run, A is going to brush and braid my hair!

Snow and Chocolate

Sins of the Day: 2 chocolate truffles

Not much to say about today. It's been so cold I could see patches of snow on the foothills to the south on the drive home. Very pretty and mysterious under the darkening clouds. But going back to earlier in the day... I had finished my lunch and was aware of how quiet it was in the office. Everyone else was out to lunch, and I was alone, and tired of the constant flow of exceptions and problems hitting my desk. Things I had to figure out how to fix that I didn't have control over. Things I need to train others to do instead of me. Just all sorts of things, too many of them, all needing my attention now.

But sometimes that's my job, and I'm usually okay with it. So why today was different, or why I didn't fight the siren call of the chocolates, I really don't know. I've just finished my Bright Line dinner, and left the living room where the British Baking Show is showing a constant stream of delicious looking delicacies; all NMF of course.

(b)  sausage, triscuits, banana
(l)  carnitas & veggies, apple
(d) carnitas & veggies (so good), chopped salad

I've never had the same thing for dinner and lunch before, but it was so good - and why not?

C is about to start another round of steroids as part of his treatment, so there are all kinds of food choices for him hanging out in the kitchen in preparation of him being "SO HUNGRY." It IS easy to avoid those things - they need to be available for him so it's a no brainer.

Tired. I'm just tired; it's too early to go to bed and too late to take a nap. Maybe I'll just lay down for a bit and listen to my book while C watches paw patrol. And if I fall asleep - well, so what.

Carnitas

I stopped for groceries on the way home after another long day, and was happy to find packages of seasoned Carnitas on sale, two for $7, a nice deal.  I picked up some veggies, the ingredients for the dinner the family was making, and headed home.

Instant Pot, high pressure, 40 minutes - 13 minutes release
2 lg green peppers diced
2 sm onions diced
3/4 large bag baby spinach
1 huge zucchini
1 32oz can crushed tomatoes
1 pkg carnitas
Shakes of Mrs Dash Table Blend, Chipotle Blend, Oregano & Cumin

Serving method:  glass container on scale, spoon out chunks of meat into dish, then flake off pieces until 4oz is left on the scale; repeat for five servings. One by one the containers go back on the scale and I use a slotted spoon to scoop out veggies until each container has 7oz veggies. Why 7? Because even with the slotted spoon there is still a lot of liquid. I ate one for dinner and have four left. Plus the 2nd package of pork for another meal in the fridge.

It was great having a big tub of salad veggies prepped from the weekend in the fridge, making it so easy to throw together a salad while waiting for the last 15 minutes to count down on the instant pot. And dinner was so delicious; spicy and juicy and filling. Usually I have my entree first because it's quick and easy to pop in the microwave after work. And then I struggle to eat the big salad. So tonight it was nice to switch it up and get that lovely full feeling after my carnitas was gone.

Because yes, I love to feel full. And I will remember this feeling as I lay in bed tonight feeling my tummy grumble about being empty. It's sort of nice to bounce back and forth between the two instead of being "always hungry and never satisfied."

I also picked up Triscuits, bananas, apples & oranges. Staples of winter!

(b) Ezekiel toast, PB, strawberries
(l)  lentil\ham veggie soup, orange
(d)  Carnitas, stewed(?) veggies, shopped salad

C has a tent in my room lately, and is hovering watching Paw Patrol on the 'big' tv while I type. He  has also discovered popcorn and has a cup of it with him. I am glad I am full and not tempted!

Tomorrow's food is planned, but I still have dinner dishes to do, so I am off to go tidy up. What a day it was, and what a week it has been so far. No, what a year! I need a raise! It would be nice to be able to buy organic again. Someday.

Dairy; a lifelong love affair, or a debilitating addiction

I've been using a blend of oat milk and coconut milk in my morning decaf. And I am not using as much cheese as usual in an attempt to see if it makes a difference in my inflammation. It definitely makes a difference in the amount of congestion I experience in my throat. And there is enough science out there on the net to know that where there is smoke there is fire and there is a big dark cloud of smoke leading from dairy to the growth of cancer cells. But I have been avoiding it, because I love cheese. It goes hand in hand with bread and the idea of giving them both up at the same time  was unimaginable three months ago.

I remember going to archery tournaments, and driving through for milk shakes on the way home. Within minutes I would have a clogged throat, but it never stopped me. And that's the addiction part I guess, doing something even though you know you're allergic, that it's bad for you, that it's one of the things keeping you fat. The saboteur had something to do with it too, I know that now.

So I know in the long run we will need to give up Dairy, and make healthier choices all around, so that A and C have better food in the house to choose from when hungry. So switching out my creamer is a start, albeit a small one, towards that end. And I am enjoying the change. There is enough fat for a good mouth feel and to cut the bitter out of the coffee. And clearing my throat less is nice too. Of course just writing this makes me want a grilled cheese sandwich. The perversity of human nature and all that.

(b)  cottage cheese, pumpkin seeds, ezekiel cereal, banana
(l)  meatballs, roasted veg, banana
(d)  lentil\ham soup, chopped salad

It was a hard day at work. Just a series of one thing after the other, keeping me frustrated and busy. But it's just a job, and I did the best I can as always. Taking a break to wash my dishes it was hard to ignore the boxes that still litter the kitchen counter. One in particular with 'Oh Nuts' on the top caught my attention and I peeked inside. There was only dried fruit left and I was able to close the box, finish my dishes, and get back to work. I'm calling it a win - I love dried fruit and was tempted for only a split second.

I'm hungry tonight, nothing new there, and I have a feeling that if M wasn't in the living room watching TV it would be challenging to not snack. It's been 4 1/2 hours since dinner, so I'm technically starting a fasting period. Focus on that, focus on burning fat instead of glucose. Focus on the immune system healing away instead of digesting extra calories that I don't need.

Pajamas, tea, bed, netflix. I can do this.

Bright Line Eating: week 14 in review

This past month has been a whirlwind of emotions, first the holidays and then a personnel problem at work.  This past week has been horrible at the office, and I am feeling ... insulted? Disappointed? Frustrated? Anyway, work is not pleasant right now, and I guess I just needed to vent. It's My Bad. I let a situation fester right under my nose and was too busy with transitioning from 2019 to 2020 to realize how urgent the matter had become. Each and every one of my team has a good heart, and I hope we can work it out. If not I will have to let someone go - never a good thing-  and being of a pacific nature, very stressful for me. But obviously more so for them, and I need to resolve this soon.

Whew, enough.

I had a good conversation with my sister D yesterday. It was good hear a voice of reason concerning my BLE Boot Camp experience so far. My first reaction had been panic when I signed up to start New Years Day, but I came to my senses and realized I needed to have it work with my schedule and not the other way around. I still haven't found the support I was looking for, but it's early days and I haven't really given it a chance. In the meantime I have been following my Bright Lines the best  I can. It's getting easier all the time to see the cheesy poofs on the kitchen counter and ignore the treats that are still trickling in at work. 'Not My Food' has really become a rock on which to anchor myself. Other than the Oreo incident (it was only one) It was a no flour, no sugar week and I can feel good about that.

There were some really amazing moments this week too. Seeing my triglycerides cut in half, feeling my clothes fit more loosely, moving more easily getting up and down off the floor to play with C.  All good things, and I can really see myself eating this way for the rest of my life. Yesterday I realized that if I continue to lose about a pound a week that I will be down another 20 pounds by  Summer bathing suit season for a total of about 36 pounds. I haven't been in the pool for a couple of years - it was just too hard to even think about putting on a suit - and I regret that time I missed playing with A. But not this year, this year we will go swimming! So a big shout out to Bright Line Eating for this hope I have growing inside as my body shrinks outside.

(b)  Ezekiel toast, eggs over easy, banana
(l)   Turkey meatballs, peas, apple
(d)  Pork tenderloin, roasted veggies, sauteed snap peas, rice, Tamari

One of the things I was thinking about yesterday is that I can see a time when measuring my food will mean one plate of delicious food instead of a glass dish in which I have weighed and measured my food as I am doing now. I may even make an occasion out of the transition and find some pretty plates that I love. Between wedding presents and heirlooms I've never done that my whole life - picked out my own plates. How wonderful that will be!

I continue to watch Susan's vlogs, and always find a treasure; something that lets me know she really does understand what  it's like to struggle with food. And I am so grateful for her sharing so much of herself with the world. I believe her when she says this is a movement to change the way we think about our food. Just imagine a world where a Doctor is equipped to recognize food addiction, and clear headed people stop buying so much processed food. And here's really big dream; imagine that the government, we the people, can subsidize getting fresh food to states that don't have access instead of  subsidizing fast food and dairy that just depresses everyone.

When Susan says she wants to see a million people in right sized bodies by 2020, I believe that it will happen if I am any example of the possibilities.  Smarter, healthier people all over the world - think what we could accomplish. Think of the Star Ships! Ha!

Time to get busy. It feels so good to have a whole Sunday ahead of me.

The situation is the Boss

This was the subject of Susan's weekly vlog today, 'The Situation is the Boss', and in different words that is how we feel about C's Leukemia. It's the boss right now, and we are all doing what we need to in order to support his recovery. M stopped working to be a full time Dad, R works remote on days he has treatment, A helps take care of distracting him when others are trying to accomplish something; dinner, laundry, whatever. And I chip in where I can with carpool, hanging out with C while the family gets away for a few hours, just playing with him to give someone else a break. Because it's relentless. He is either full of energy and we have to monitor him to avoid injury, or feeling unwell and needs cuddles, or he's hungry but not finding anything we offer appealing. It's not to say there aren't perfectly normal times; playing at the park with Dad, building a tent with sister, walking down to the tot lot with me, or playing on his Mom like a jungle gym. But the situation is the boss, and for right now that is paramount.

No matter how tired I may be, it's nothing compared to C's parents. I just count our blessings that they have insurance, that they are able to live with me, that C is about to enter maintenance. It's still daily Chemo and monthly hospital treatments, but word has it his hair will grow back. It was hard letting go of our perfect little boy as he changed under treatment, and now we wonder who he will be afterwards. Still full of spunk and laughter and still himself. I know this. But there is another change coming, another situation to boss us around, and I wonder how it will look. And how he will look.

Life is change.

(b)  sausage, triscuits, banana
(l)   meatballs, veg, apple
(d)  lentil soup, salad

At 12:45am this morning I ate an Oreo. I stood in the kitchen emotionally exhausted from work, physically exhausted from the long hours I've been putting in, and just wanted a damn cookie. So I ate one. I didn't even think about my emergency action plan, or trying to fight. I just wanted the cookie. Only one and done. Then I ate on plan all day - not interested in the chips and guacamole and salsa at work. I even took a minute to explain that it wasn't about gluten, but about flour, when someone said I could have some.  I took a note from Susan and just said, there's more to BLE than just not eating flour and sugar. I'm feeling better I also said no to raviolis at home and ate my bowl of soup.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm not a ten on the susceptibility scale after all. But I'm not going to dwell on it. The point is that I am unstoppable. that is what Susan wants us to be, and I can do that. No cookie can stop me now.

I have my tea ready, and I'm ready to call it a day; currently that is my situation.

Lab Work and Ham Soup

Another long day. But tonight I made the lentil soup I had planned and there are four bowls ready to go in the fridge with ham and another two just lentils, bok choy & parsnips. I did take a tiny taste; no sense in storing bad soup. It's not bad. I cooked the veggies with the ham stock then pureed them. Then I added the lentils to cook. Finally I weighed 3oz of ham into each bowl and covered it with the soup.

I waited to eat breakfast at work today because I stopped on the way to have blood work done. It's time for my annual tests and I wanted a baseline before the Bright Line boot camp too. Some of the tests are in and everything is in the normal range. My cholesterol is on a downward slope, within the normal range now too, but the real story is my triglycerides.

If I had the patience I would correlate the graph with my entries to see what I was eating at the time, but really, all I care about is that my chances of stroke have been cut in half. I can hardly wait to test again at the end of boot camp.

(b)  sausage, triscuits, banana

(l)  meatballs, green beans, apple

(d)  beef jerkey, lettuce & carrot salad, potatoes

Another get home hungry night. There were baked fries on a cookie sheet and home made tartar sauce on the kitchen counter and they were finished with dinner. I weighed out the potatoes and called the tartar sauce the fat and called it a day.  Not on plan, but no sugar or flour. I'm going to have to step up my game to get through tax season, which is why I took the time to make soup tonight.

I'm looking forward to my first coaching call tomorrow - a great way to spend lunch at work! I'm trying to not think about work tonight - I have a hiccup in my team and don't want to bring the stress home with me. But I care about them all, and need a plan to get everyone back on track - the extra workload right now has us all a little frazzled I think. We'll work it out, I trust in that, and that's a beginning.

I am so tired, and ready for bed. I just need to sign off, make my paper journal entries, and call it a day. 

Caught Short

The office was hectic today, between year end work and new clients and setting up new year processing we are all busy. Today was especially long, a 10 1/2 hour day, and when I arrived home I was hungry. It was too late to make the lentil soup I had planned, and I didn't want the same meal as I had at lunch. Soooo.....caught short of time to prepare the soup, I threw together a ham sandwich and nuked a bowl of mixed veggies - enough to make up for not having a salad. Part of my brain is disappointed, but mostly I am glad I didn't drive through for a burger on the way home. Sometimes being thankful is about disasters averted more than missions accomplished.

(b)  sausage, triscuits, orange
(l)   meatballs, green beans, apple
(d)  ham, Ezekiel bread, mixed veggies

As soon as I arrived home I washed up and threw together the sandwich and inhaled it while watching a little of Dracula with the kids and catching up the day. Once I felt human again I fixed the veggies. C helped me eat them; we are always grateful when he eats, and especially so when it's something with even the tiniest but of nutritional value. Sometimes we're grateful if he eats a cookie.

He is poking around my room as I type, getting into everything he can; currently he is balancing a pine cone on the fire chief's truck that is normally occupied by Marshall from Paw patrol. I love the company, and it reminds me of how I fell in love with his sister when she was about the same age. Loving a child because they are blood and really getting to know and love them for who they are - well, those are different things. I am so grateful for my grandchildren, and how they bring love into my life.

Time to get off the keyboard. Time to play.

Journaling

I keep forgetting to mention journaling, and why I am writing again. Part of Bright Line Eating is of course the food; no sugar or flour. But part of it is re-wiring the brain, and learning to trust in ourselves again. Another part is learning how to support our willpower, since it is a limited resource.

To these ends I do a couple of things each day that revolve around my paper journal. Each page is a day, and is divided into three sections. The first section is for gratitude, and for important ideas. I usually listen to a vlog by Susan B. Thompson, the author of Bright Line Eating, and in my journal I write anything that sparks; something that hits home, and my resulting thoughts. Today it was a song in Rent as noted below in my sample. Next on my daily page I write, and commit to, what I will eat the next day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Finally the bottom section of the page is for notes on things I don't want to forget; things that bear repeating or that I have learned in a BLE video.

Here is a sample page from my beautiful little faux-leather journal. Today's page, in fact.
--------------------------------------
Sunday 1-5-20
I'm thankful it's Saturday, and that I kept my bright lines yesterday.

One Day At A Time. You can only decide about today; that is how the future unfolds - one day at a time. There is only today. "There's only this, there's only now, no day but today."  (Rent, sing it.)

(b) sausage, triscuits, orange
(l)  meatballs, roasted veg, apple
(d)  lentil veggie soup w\ ham

Notes: Emergency Action Plan: vlog, blog, call D, meditate

1. Human connection
2. Pray - ask for help, strength, relief
3. Meditate - find a calm center
4. Gratitude - write a list\tell someone
5. Servie - help someone else
6. Distraction\Activity
---------------------------------------
Then, the next day (after dinner at the earliest) I pick up my journal, and first I check off that I ate exactly what I had committed to on the prior page. This exercise is to restore integrity after years of intending to eat one thing and then eating cake. or pie. or chips - you get the idea. I am learning to trust that I can do what I say I will. Then I start the next journal page, and following the above format fill in my gratitude, important ideas, my food for the next day, and notes on what I wish to remember or reinforce.

Finally I write about the day here. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. I try to be honest instead of writing what I wish had been, I try to 'show up real' and not sugar coat my life or lie to myself. Hopefully most of the time I succeed.

And most of the time C interrupts me and wants my laptop to watch Paw Patrol 💙😼

Time to share.

Good Food

I decided that if I was to limit the amount of food that I was eating, and draw Bright Lines between myself, sugar, and flour, the remaining food should be good. No, better than good, delicious. I knew the only way to do this and not feel deprived would be to prepare meals that I loved. Mostly over the past three months I have done this. There has been the occasional quick black bean burger meal, but for the most part I have been cooking good, wholesome food.

Today I cooked. I made a pan of green beans with thinly sliced onions and used bacon grease for my fat. I also crumbled in three slices of bacon that was divided between four servings of beans. I always feel like I have to remind myself that I have not drawn a Bright Line for quantities or fat, and that I began this path determined to not feel deprived - to not 'diet'. I don't use saturated fat very often, and I did keep it to a minimum knowing there would be little bits of bacon in the dish.

I also baked a tray of mini-meatloaves that are wonderful; they are full of turkey, pork, zucchini, onion and spices. I had my first serving of them at lunch and they are juicy and delicious. I de-fatted the ham stock I made yesterday, and it's inside the instant pot pan in the freezer for an easy dinner tomorrow. For dinner tonight I roasted broccoli, onions, and sugar peas and a pork tenderloin. There was enough left after dinner for one more meal, so that makes five meals prepped for the next few days. I always feel better having prepped meals in the fridge, then I'll cook again on Wednesday if there aren't enough leftovers from dinner tomorrow night. It does amaze me that I can load a baking sheet with veggies and it will weigh out to only three 6oz servings.

(b)  eggs on Ezekiel toast with mustard, orange
(l)  meatballs and green beans
(d)  pork loin, veggies roasted in sesame oil, 1/2C white rice with Tamari

I'm full from dinner, and while I feel I did splurge a little today between the toast and rice, I know my Bright Lines are intact. It was a busy day, most of it spent in the kitchen, but it will make my week much easier and I am content. I am also tired. But today listening to the week one module I was reminded of how hard my body is working. Between burning fat instead of glucose and detoxing from the waste being released as my cells lose their fat - well, I should be tired. And resting. And at least 'traveling easy' while I am losing weight. And drinking plenty of water, which is easy to forget in Winter.

Time to hit up my Sudoku book and brew some night time herbal tea.

BLE Boot Camp: Day 1

Today went well. I shopped for groceries in the morning, then put laundry in while I did food prep in the kitchen. I have roasted veg ready to pack into meals for the coming few days and stock is ready in the fridge for the lentil soup tomorrow that will go in the instant pot while I bake turkey\sausage meatballs in the oven. The meatballs will be full of onion and zucchini and hopefully juicy and delicious. I'm going to use the new Bragg organic sprinkles that I picked up at the store so this will be a new flavour profile than usual.

Come to think of it the last month of Saturdays have been pretty busy. It use to be I would nap on and off in between doing chores each Saturday, but weekends of late haven't been that way. Fifteen pounds doesn't seem like much, but carrying a heavy grocery bag today I realized once again that it is. My body was not happy carrying the extra weight this morning just going from the car to the kitchen. And to think I did it for years. I can hardly wait for the next fifteen to be gone and see what new changes come with that. Maybe walking in the evening? Or getting the pictures hung in my room?

I love thinking about the possibilities. I was around 200 pounds when shooting archery competitions, and that is only seventeen pounds away! How I would love to be able to pick up my bow again. And while I don't think I can while working because of my back, with BLE I will be in shape once I retire in a couple of years.

(b)  Sausage, triscuits, orange
(l)  grilled cheese, butternut squash soup, apple
(d) black bean burger, roasted squash, onions & tomatoes; chopped salad

So how do I have grilled cheese? By using Ezekiel Sesame bread and counting the cheese as my protein. And it was so delicious. This is a maintenance meal since I did use two slices of bread instead of one; but they are thin. I know that I should be strictly following the weight loss plan, but I ate what I wrote, and my intentions have not changed since beginning Bright Line Eating. I'm in this for the long haul and I don't think it's in my best interest to 'diet'.

I'm winding down for the day in my room while they are eating chocolate pudding in the living room. C is here with me and we are jumping between the hallmark channel and paw patrol.What a pair we are. Ha!

A Good Day

Finally, a day worth writing about. I woke early, and snuggled back into my warm nest. But life was calling, and I decided it would be a good thing to just get up. I'm not sure why I reached for my laptop, but I did, and opened it to find my Day One boot camp link still opened. It was early enough, so following my instincts I started the meditation section that had sent me running off on 1/1.

As I started listening I realized this was going to be a guided meditation, and wanting to totally relax and let my mind follow along I lay back down so I was totally relaxed. And boy did the visions come; Susan has been here where I am, and more than ever I am convinced she knows how to guide me out. Afterwards I made coffee, cleaned up the ants that were wandering around the kitchen, and headed back to bed to enjoy my brew and watch a little "Married at first Sight." What a hoot, I've never seen it before but quickly got sucked in. I'm watching the rest of it now as I type away.

Traffic was super light this morning, and I ate my Bright Line breakfast on the way to work. Someday I may eat my meals at a table, but not yet. I love eating and listening to my audio book; it makes the commute not just bearable, but enjoyable. It was a good day, I had my BL lunch, had no problem ignoring the sweets at work, and even though I headed home hungry and tired I never seriously considered eating off plan. I did consider stopping for a protein burger from In-N-Out, but I missed the exit.

(b)  triscuits, cheese, apple
(l)  roast soup, oranges
(d)  taco salad

I don't know what happened, why I woke up different - no longer mad at myself and the world. Maybe I was just too exhausted to run away anymore. While I would love to know the why, it's more important to just enjoy the change. I've been relieved all day that the anger is gone, the rebellion apparently having been snuffed out.

I'm looking forward to putting the house back in order tomorrow after the hullabaloo of the holidays, including a much needed cleaning out of the fridge. R says all the cookies are gone, thank heavens, and I'm thinking of making some pea soup with the left over ham. I also want to make some turkey meatballs and roast up some trays of veggies. The roast from Christmas was really nice, but it was too fatty for leftovers and I'm craving leaner fare.

Thank heavens it's Friday, and that my head is back on straight. Hallelujah!

Here, let me show how NOT to do it

What a day. I am so disappointed. It was harder than yesterday, and I am really fighting to keep my calm. It's as though signing up for boot camp raised all of my defenses; think mule with hoofs planted firm. I Shall Not Move! Let my stubbornness reign! All of the optimism that has flowed through me for the past few months has abandoned me, leaving me mad and upended and distraught.

Take a deep breath, this will subside, it's just my Flight response in overdrive. Holy crap that almost rhymes.

I forgot to make oatmeal last night and woke up late this morning after laying awake until 1am and finally getting up and eating cookies; I had no fight left. Only three small ones, but still - flour AND sugar AND snacking. So no breakfast prepared as planned, and I grabbed a banana on my way out the door. And no lunch to pack because I forgot R used the last one - she told me, I just forgot to count. And I was half asleep getting ready for work in a hurry and didn't think to stop and measure out another meal from the larger container in the fridge. Grrr.

So I keep PB at work, and had some on my banana for breakfast. Did I mention I stopped for a decaf on the way to work? And thank heavens managed to escape without a breakfast sandwich. But I thought about it for a split second, and had to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT to get our of there clean.  I'm so mad at myself, my brain. It's as if some part of me is trying really hard to give up.

(b)  banana, PB - no grain
(l)  salad from Sprouts with quinoa, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, broccoli, carrots & tomatoes
(d)  chopped salad with ham, no cooked veggies

At work I ate half a cookie, and of course it wasn't even good. I also picked up three from a bakery box in the kitchen at work thinking the family would love them. Realizing how crazy it was for me to be taking cookies home I threw them away before leaving the office.

Then getting home - and they are making breakfast for dinner. PANCAKES, with POWDERED SUGAR and Fresh Squeezed Lemon juice. My favorite from childhood.  I put blinders on and started pulling veggies out of the fridge. I weighed out my salad, at least I had prepped a container of chopped veggies so it was easy to throw them on top of some lettuce then add in my sliced ham. Oh yea, the ham that was a present, has to be eaten, and has a sweet crust that I trim off. I know this is not on plan, but I am eating it anyway. A penny pincher, that is what I have become over the past year.

What is going on??? I feel like I am losing my mind. Why can't I surrender to this. Why am I so unwilling to accept today what felt so real and healing and positive two days ago?  I have to keep fighting, I have to believe this will pass. I am mad that this may in fact turn out to be just another lost opportunity. I hate that I am feeling stupid and willful; it's just wrong.

Boot Camp; What should have been Day One

Yesterday I took a leap of faith and registered for a Bright Line Eating boot camp. After spending what seemed like hours over the span of last night and this morning I completed the required prep work to begin. I opened my email greeting for Day One, followed the link to the site, and listened to Susan's greeting. The panic set in, and I admonished myself, "I don't have time for this! I have to pack away Christmas, I have things to do!", and " how on earth do I justify spending this money right now?"

Knowing that Flight was winning over Fight I quietly closed my laptop, got dressed, and started my day. A little laundry, taking down the Christmas Tree Forest we put up each year, packing away Santa with his sled, reindeer, and all. I rested when tired, sitting on my bed and sorting through a bag of stuff left over from clearing the ledge above the kitchen counter. Sort of an annual ledge clearing to get rid of the accumulation - it's such a handy place to set things down instead of finding a spot for them to live in because really, where would they go?  So I accomplished much, including a few trips to the garage and back, and my mind quieted.

(b) scrambled eggs, triscuits, banana
(l)  roast soup, roasted tomatoes, orange
(d) chopped salad with ham & Romano cheese, R's homemade Ranch (delicious),
      and butternut squash soup (also home made but by me this time.)

Note: chopped salad always means an 8oz combo of lettuce and raw veggies.

So a Bright Line Day, if not Day One of the Boot Camp. Part of the problem was not wanting to weigh in until Sunday; I pretty much set myself up for failure last night by planting that thought. But it was a valid point, and if I have to exert a tiny bit of control right now in order to surrender later, then that's just the way it is. I am not a sniveling child to be told what to do. I am a woman grown, who has asked for help and been answered. I do this of my own free will.

So I will keep my Bright Lines, and postpone my Day One until Sunday. I will wear the same pajamas or clothes each Sunday morning and tromp out to the garage and weigh with them on; mentally I cannot do the weight watcher's 'weigh naked first thing in the morning' routine again. This cannot be about a number, but about my looser clothing and changing physical capabilities. Yes, as a measurement of my progress I will weigh weekly during boot camp, but on my terms.

lol, apparently I am not much of a team player, having been a loner for so much of my life. I am hoping that the team support will help change that, and that I will come around to being more sociable and less irritating.

Not a spectacular beginning, but the prelude to one.