Coughing and more coughing. Ugh.

It will probably hit 100 degrees out today, and we are spending a calm day inside after taking care of the morning chores outside. That just means the garden has been watered, as well as any flowers and the ceramic water basins for birds and squirrels; the dog messes have been cleaned up, and peanuts put out - again, for our wildlife family. R did blow off the patio, and Cal chalked over our names while we were out there, so there was a little fun.

Today's Food:

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, banana
• l)   left over BLE compliant pizza, half a huge apple
• d)  tri-tip, corn, mushrooms, salad

I finally caved and have a phone appt. with Kaiser in about an hour.  I'm taking too much medication for not much relief from the coughing; a Zyrtec at night and Flonase in the morning. Maybe my asthma has also kicked in. I just wish I had more faith in the medical community. For my own part, the pizza I ordered last night was a cauliflower crust - so there was some cheese and egg in it - but no additional cheese or meat on top, just veggies. I am more determined than ever to stay dairy and meat free this coming week, and I am even contemplating fasting to get rid of this cough.

In the meantime, they will likely write a script for an inhaler, and so desperate I am for relief from the coughing I will use it.

Another challenge is that disgusting though it may be, I don't cough while eating. I'll pick up some gum to chew when I get the prescription filled, because lord knows the last thing I want to do is eat all day - as I once did during these frustrating episodes. Just snacking all day long to keep the coughing at bay. Gross.

Time for more tea or water. And a better attitude!

 

Count Down to Hawaii: week 2/14

Down .2 this morning. After the week I had, I'll take it! Of course my brain spent a moment in wonder, and calculating how much I might have lost if I hadn't broken any lines during the week.  But I know now that it's best to forgive and forget and move forward.

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, red grapes and kiwi
• l)   romaine , mixed veg, roasted pecans, bleu cheese dressing, half a huge apple
• d)  Take out: ribs, coleslaw, french fries

Definitely not the healthiest dinner, but Bright. I weighed the rib meat then eyed the slaw and fries to make a 'one plate meal', It wasn't delicious, but it was good and there are no dishes!

I made a batch of stoup this afternoon, using up corn on the cob, leeks, cauliflower, a poblano pepper and a bag of spinach. Adding it all to the instant pot with some veggie broth, it came out smelling corny and good. But I didn't taste it, just weighed out five containers, adding 6oz of beans and 4oz of broth to each serving. I'll find out tomorrow at lunch how it turned out. Hopefully a little spicy from the pepper, a little sweet from the corn, and hearty from the rest. I added cannellini beans to three and refried black beans to the last two for a little variety. Plus there is a container of stoup left over to use as I may. For one meal I envision blending up a portion with left over pot roast potatoes that are hanging out in the fridge; that will be a yummy lunch one day for sure, a version of 'dirty mashed potatoes' if you will.

I'm looking forward to seeing my mastermind group in the morning. I missed it last week, feeling crummy and going to bed instead. That was the day the kids were at the lake and I slummed on the couch most of the day. What with all the coughing all week, I am even more tired than usual, but each day gets a little better as my immune system recovers. I figure I can always just mute myself and listen in.

Speaking of listening, I played a coaching call from my Bright Line Eating bootcamp,  and was reminded that in a mastermind group we can, "just be there as a witness to their journey". And there was reference to this vlog, which I will listen to this evening as a reminder of what support looks like in BLE.

I spent a few minutes this morning looking at the phone app that links to the scale, and in a moment of positivity, selected a goal. I chose a short term goal of 190#s. That is what I would like to weigh heading to Hawaii. And I would like to weigh even less upon arriving home after our trip. Memories of my first and only trip there are filled with warm water, fresh fruit, lots of walking, and resting in the sand while it rained. It was such a pivotal point in my life. I am not sure I would have had the chutzpah to head North at the age of 19, with vague plans of applying to school, and a small bank account to tide me over while I figured things out.  Hawaii gave me the experience of living away from my family, and helped form the spine it would take for me to weather the next few years as I found my way. Maybe revisiting paradise will help me find that girl who was so brave and adventurous. 

But my only real expectations for the trip are being more active, having fun in the ocean, playing with the family, and getting some rest. 

I can't remember the last vacation my brain had, and I've never been completely away from work for ten days before. I am worried that if I did that, I wouldn't be able to come back to a daily grind. So maybe I will take the laptop. Maybe.

And now I am blathering away, my brain going off in a million directions, and I need to exit.

BLE: Hoping to finish the week strong

The congestion and coughing was slightly better this morning after two nights of taking Zyrtec. I have upped my Alfalfa tablets and Immune too. I think a combination of the hit to my immune system by the Covid vaccine in conjunction with allergy season put me in a susceptible position. Hopefully a couple of days of plant strong eating, with the increased immune support, will bring me back to what passes as normal by the weekend. I hope. Because I had forgotten how stressful and annoying it is to cough all the time. To think I once did this twice a  year, six to eight weeks at a time, makes me wonder how I remained sane. Oh yea. I didn't.

Today's Food:

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, oranges
• l)   romaine  chick peas, mixed veg salad, half a huge apple
• d)  roasted veggies, refried beans, nutritional yeast, avocado

The internet was down for a while, and Cal is lying down watching UP on a DVD to settle down for his nap. And he's actually paying attention for a change so the house is quiet for a minute. We had a bit of a rough morning, him wanting to get into everything he shouldn't and mad at me about it. But still, there is no place I would rather be. Unless it's the beach with a good book, warm sun, and gentle breeze. But that will be August, I hope.

I struggled with my food yesterday, blurring a couple of lines, and this morning paid for it with stiff joints and swollen hands. I think it all started with the Sunday pork roast last week, and letting meat and cheese back into my diet, bookending with a chuck pot roast this Sunday past.  Meat and cheese are both seductive,  and highly addictive, they are so dense in calories and fat. But limping to the bathroom this morning I realized that I haven't been. Limping that is, so there was some additional determination to have a couple of plant based days. The universe is just screaming at me to "pay attention already!"

Plants heal. Taste buds are replaced every two weeks or so. I can do this. Again. As many times as it takes. I will not leave until the miracle occurs, as the saying goes.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, I will finish the week plant strong and Bright.

BLE: A good start

 My heart sings, listening to A practice her Ukulele in the room next to mine. Her little brother is cozied up in my bed, hopefully about to nap, and the house is otherwise quiet. This is where joy finds me, in the quiet moments. It helps that I was Bright last night, and yesterday too I think? lol, if I can't remember anything bad I must have been Bright.

Today's Food:

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, red grapes & small banana
• l)   left over roast, chick peas, roasted veg, half a huge apple
• d)  mixed greens & kale salad, chick peas, pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

Still coughing. A hot shower, nasal rinse, and gargling with warm salt water this morning made it bearable to start the day. But six hours later and I am congested again. Flonase this morning too. Once Cal is asleep I will run out to get some Zyrtec to start taking tonight. I didn't want to go there, but I can't keep coughing either.

The dishwasher is fixed! Other than the dry hands it really hasn't been all that bad doing dishes by hand. I see why the women in old commercials always had gloves on to do the dishes!

And wonder of wonders, he actually fell asleep. I had best run whilst I am able.

BLE: Ready for another week

The Sunday roast is in the oven, and I have six containers of rice, beans, and salsa packed up and ready for breakfasts next week.  I'm sure around Wednesday I'll be wanting some cereal or triscuits just to have a break, but I am glad to have an easy, ready to go option. The beans this time are full of spinach, tomatoes, onion, and Mrs. Dash's Chipotle seasoning. The rice is just white, leftovers from Cal who had been loving the rice but has since  moved on to quesadillas. 

Today's Food

• b)  wheat squares, almond milk, almonds, banana & blueberries
• l)   Pozole from a favorite local restaurant, apple
• d)  roast, brussels sprouts, carrots, onions, celery, potato

The leftover veg from tonight's dinner, plus what is already in the fridge, will get me through Wednesday I think. But as always we have back up in the freezer if needs be. There are refried beans left over from today's batch; last time I used them as the protein in dinner stoups and it worked out nicely.

We have a large bunch of leeks in the fridge and some fresh corn to use up. I'm thinking to make a chowder, splitting the protein with coconut milk or maybe using coconut cream for the fat. We'll see.

I'm still coughing. I used some Flonase this morning thinking it might be allergies. I know others in the area are complaining (some bitterly) about how horrible they are this year because of the wind, and maybe it has helped today? Not sure. I made some ginger water this morning and added some honey to sweeten it. I'm out of dates and cough drops and my throat was ever so grateful for the spicy, smooth, hot drink. And that did help for a while, but I really don't want another dose of honey. Maybe I'll run out and get some sugar free cough drops and some allergy meds. Once Monday hits there will be no errands with Cal in tow.

Because I am tired, but cough too much when I lie down to rest, I have found myself farming on FB - something to so while listening to my book and sitting up. It's been so many years I can barely remember what to do, but I am worried because I do find it so soothing. I really don't want to waste hours more of my life on the computer than I already do. Addict!

I hate that I feel too tired to go sit in the sun, I know it would feel good with the cool breeze, but after all the prep and cooking it just seems overwhelming to navigate my way into the back yard. Pitiful. But this reminds me of the biggest why of staying Bright. Less pain, followed closely by more energy, better mobility, and oh yea, cuter clothes.  I'm pretty sure by now that to lose my pound this week I need at least four Bright days and nights, and I'm confident this will be one of them.

BLE: Sometimes a single Bright Line is sufficient unto the day

A single Bright Line will have to suffice for the day. I woke not feeling well, my sore throat worse, and I rested most of the day. I did get the oven mostly clean, and did the dinner dishes for the family. I hope tomorrow is better. 

Today's Food

• b)  toast w/ PB and banana
• l)   last of the potato stoup w/ cream cheese, oranges
• s)  grilled cheese sandwich
• d)  1 cob of corn, eggs over easy on hominy

I had no flour today, and that's about all I can brag about. Well, maybe one other thing. I got dressed to go out, but knowing I had food on the brain changed back into lounging clothes and made myself a grilled cheese using flourless bread. So it was a maintenance day, adding the grain for my sandwich. Lunch was early, before 10:30, and the snack was at two; my bad because I forgot my protein at lunch.  

Given how I was feeling, and that I had been left alone to my own devices, I'm relieved to have made it through the day as well as I did.  And the honey I added to my tea this  morning didn't trigger a sweet tooth, so that was a relief, both figuratively and literally.

I have taken feeling well for granted for over a year, and today I missed not feeling up to going outside, missed watering the garden, missed puttering about getting chores done. I wonder when and where I picked up this little annoying bug, and just want my throat to stop hurting. It makes me realize how often it is depression that keeps me in, and I need to fight harder to overcome that particular nuisance. 

I will now replace whining with tea and bed.

 

Count Down to Hawaii: week 1/14

I was down exactly 1 pound this morning. I'll take it. There are just over 13 more weeks until we fly out. If I stay consistent, at this rate I could be 14 pounds lighter by the time I need to sit for just over five hours on the plane. I'll be up every hour to stretch my hips, but you get the drift. Weighing that much less will make the trip just that much more comfortable.

Today's Food

• b)  potatoes, eggs over easy, banana
• l)   potato stoup, turkey hot dogs w/ mustard & ketchup, apple
• d)  roasted veggies, 1oz pepperoni, 1.5oz mozzarella cheese

Not the most nutritional day, but a Bright one.

The family is going to the lake tomorrow, and I have plans to clean the oven, organize my room a little, and loaf around a lot. Maybe a little sun bathing, weather permitting, and definitely some meal planning. I'll pack up some rice & beans for breakfasts, and chop up a bunch of veggies so they are ready for salads. With the days warmer, I am craving crunchy chick pea salads with lots of celery and green onion.

I've been washing dishes by hand all week, but the part we need came in today and Appliance Tek is coming first thing Monday morning to repair the real dish washer. Halleluiah - my hands are so dry!

Back to work, and my second cup of spicy tea. Love the breeze coming in my window, and knowing that in just a couple of hours I will be free for the weekend.

TGIF!  

BLE: A little broken

I am not good with angst and anger. Earlier this evening dark streaks of anguish threaded their way through the house, and I sat here helpless. Unable to intervene, unable to do anything but breathe and try to slow my heart. I creep out of my room and offer to watch the kids if they need to go talk, but the response is less than hopeful. I end up in the driveway for a small bit to play with Cal who finally wants to go outside after shunning my invitations to do so all day long. He must not feel well in the mornings, and then late in the day, prevening really, when he wants to go out everyone is tired. It's a challenge, as is the recent defiance and rebellion against being a good listener. He is four, after all. Patience. Patience is a virtue.

I've been  mostly Bright. I had a bit of a meltdown Monday night. I realize now I should have talked about how I was feeling on my 'not really' anniversary. There are so many unresolved emotions, and I threw a little pity party for myself in the form of left over mac n cheese. It wasn't good. But I am an addict.

Tuesday was a struggle with portions, and Wednesday I fought past every exit on the way to the office and back - never getting off to drive through for a fix; shades of  years past, why do they still haunt me. Well, I know why, it's because I made an exception Monday and I am paying for it now. But last night was Bright as was today, so I am, as always, back on track. 

I don't want to weigh in Friday - OMG that's tomorrow - but I will.

Today's Food

• b)  rice, refried beans, salsa, tapatio, mango
• l)   last of the left over pork roast and veggies,  apple
• d)  last of the left over spaghetti soup and meatballs, parmesan

I've been trying to limit my cheese/meat servings to one a day, so today was not so good. On the lighter side,  I got some containers out of the fridge, didn't waste the food, and there is room for me to do some batch cooking tomorrow or this weekend. We have skipped a few weeks of Imperfect Produce to catch up on all the veggies we have in the fridges. I see a leek and corn soup in our near future, and I need to prep another batch of refried beans to use up the carton of spinach that is lurking in the back of the fridge.

It's been a windy day, and the evening has turned cool. I just want some hot tea, my pajamas, and maybe a movie.

BLE: A memory, Food, and bed

This day in 1980 I was married for the first and only time. Even though we divorced around 2000 and he passed in 2003, I think it still counts as an anniversary of a momentous event in my life. There is still some residual sadness that we didn't make it work, but I can't go down that rabbit hole, because somewhere in there is the regret that if we had, maybe Joey wouldn't have met his fate so early in life. And those thoughts just lead to crazy, so I won't go there. Suffice it to say that today was the same kind of beautiful May Spring day as my wedding was held on so many years ago, and it made me a little sad to think about it.

Today's Food

• b)  oatmeal, flaxmeal, pecans, blueberries
• l)   left over pork roast and veggies, avocado, apple
• d)  chopped salad w/ chick peas, pepitas and thousand island dressing

The dishwasher is broken, and the part I ordered today won't be in until next Tuesday according to the seller on EBay. I hope it's sooner and pray it's not longer. And while it's tempting to just bring in food all week so we don't have to wash too many dishes, that's not going to happen. Wash as we go, that is the agreed upon plan.

I'm so tired. Cal is coming down off of steroids this week and has been a handful, and I think I am still recovering a little from the 2nd Covid vaccine.  I'm so thankful to have a warm, safe bed to curl up in and that I can listen to a good story as I fall asleep.

BLE: Still Hopeful

It was a beautiful day and it felt good to be in the back yard watering and pruning without being rushed or watching Cal to make sure he wasn't getting into trouble. I think we will make a trip to the nursery this week during the day when it's not so crowded and pick up a couple of colours for the two empty pots on the patio.

Today's Food

• b)  wheat squares, almond milk, almonds, blueberries & banana
• l)   ugly delicious potato soup, refried beans, parmesan, avocado, apple
• d)  roast pork, cabbage, carrots, onions, brussels sprouts & fingerling potatoes

We made a Sunday roast for dinner. I feel bad that a pig was sacrificed to get the scrumptious vegetables, but that's the way it goes. But pig aside, it's really the onions that make the dish.  We start with a deep dish roasting pan. Maybe 13 x 16, 6 qts? The roast is slathered with a mixture of salt, pepper, paprika, garlic & onion powders that has been hydrated with avocado oil to make a paste. 

• 450 for the first half hour, uncovered and surrounded by loads of sliced onions
• 350 for the next hour, covered after adding a cup of broth
• 350 for the next hour, covered after adding veggies to the top of the pan

The caramelized onions are so sweet and delicious they make every bite better.

Bright Line Eating is plant strong, and my potion of pig was only 4oz.  Imagine if everyone ate this way and the impact it would have on factory farming and climate change. Not to mention waist lines! Speaking of which I need to measure mine, I keep forgetting. UGH, 37". Maybe I shouldn't have measured just after dinner. Oh well, it's just a marker.

Anyway, it's been a nice couple of days. I anticipated doing a little office work but spent most of my time resting. I am blaming it on the Covid vaccine and recuperating from my second shot. In truth, that is probably why I was a little tired, and a little headachy on and off. But I did want to Spring clean my bedroom and that didn't happen, so I am hoping for more mild weather next weekend. Sparky's nose was covered with cobwebs after a sojourn under my bed this past week and it feels a little creepy.

It was a Bright weekend, my resolve is still in place, and I am looking forward to seeing progress on Friday. But I know how quickly this can change. Not that I am dreading the loss of this newfound determination. No. Instead I am just enjoying this moment for what it is; hopeful. Very hopeful.

BLE: Commitment

As with many other times I have attempted to go Dairy free, it didn't last long. Can you say ADDICT?  It really is a way to release pressure, the indulging in a legal drug so to say. Like sugar to an Alcoholic. But I looked at the bigger picture (Hawaii) and decided it was more important to stay Bright than to be dairy free at this particular moment in my life. I will say that I am not intending to go back to cheese and crackers for breakfast, and I am not intending to have cheese everyday. But I am also not putting that barrier up to rebel against, and letting myself choose cheese sometimes is not the worst thing I can do right now. I pray I do not have to eat those words at some later point.

This is what happened.

I decided I needed an incentive to be accountable. SPT cites how important it is to have something in place that makes you stop and think before that first bite off plan gets into your mouth. My daughter is just about the most important thing in  my life, so I asked her if we could be accountable to each other leading up to our Hawaii trip, and she agreed. So yesterday morning she helped me add the App to my phone that synchs with her scale, and we both weighed in. And we'll continue to do this each Friday morning through July. The goal is to encourage each other, be accountable to someone who matters, and just follow the fucking plan. No if, ands, or buts. Just the knowledge that come next Friday, I will not be embarrassed by whatever the number is that pops up. That would be unendurable. So I will stay Bright today, tonight, and all week. 

I can do this. I was worried last night about rebelling, but my parts were pretty quiet. Due in part (ha ha) to feeling a little crummy after my second Covid vaccine shot, but mostly enjoying the calm of having a definite path forward. There is no chatter about how strict I will be, or what I will need to give up. No tampering with the tried and true, no declarations of how I will manage my food or what the next best trick will be. I know if I just follow the plan I will lose weight. No Flour, No Sugar, No Snacks, Bind quantities. And let me remind myself here and now, those quantities are generous, satisfying, and result in some beautiful (or ugly) delicious meals.

Speaking of food, let me circle back around to cheese. I made spaghetti soup and meatballs for the family for dinner last night, and I needed to add a fat to the meal. Parmesan cheese was the obvious choice, and with my new commitment firmly in place I decided my energy was better spent there than on giving up cheese. That can come later. Dinner was wonderful.

Today's Food

• b)  scrambled eggs on toast w/ mustard, orange
• l)   spaghetti soup w/ parmesan, apple
• d)  chopped salad w/ cauliflower, pepitas, chick peas

BLE: Ugly Delicious Potatoes

 Had to jump on to write down what went into the Instant Pot because the resulting stoup was so amazing.

• 3     Large onions, one each Vidalia, red, and yellow rough chopped
• 1    small bunch chopped kale

Cook on sauté in 1T of avocado oil and 2T of butter plus a healthy shake of Montreal Steak Seasoning. Stir occasionally while prepping the rest of the veggies.

Wash and rough chop

• 5    Large Gold potatoes, (bigger than my fist large)
• 6    Medium brussels sprouts
• 1    Small fennel bulb
• 1    Really Large carrot, peeled
• 1    Big handful of baby carrots

Add rest of the veggies to the Instant Pot and stir with onion mixture. Add 1C of unsweetened Almond Milk and another 2T of butter. Seal and cook on high 40 minutes; rapid release. We used the immersion blender to whip everything together, which resulted in a thick, rich, complex potato soup. A little sweet, a tiny bit spicy, olive green in colour and totally delicious.

This is not Bright Line compliant because it's blended and there was no chewing involved. But for a healthy dose of veg (14 oz) in a big bowl of comfort it is absolutely worth it. It was light on fat for the number of servings it made, and I 'm sure some healthier me in the future will omit the oil and butter altogether, but for now it was all good,  Oh, and my protein tonight was pepitas, so a vegetarian meal. Damn the butter.

Break's over, back to work.

BLE: Soup's on

Breakfast this week will be steel cut oats cooked with a little almond extract. I have six portions weighed out with peanut butter, flaxmeal, and pumpkin pie spice and each morning I'll choose my fruit. There are bananas, frozen blueberries & peaches, canned pears, apples, and pumpkin to choose from. Or maybe I'll use part frozen blueberries and then something fresh on the side - the oranges and grapes are so good right now.

Today's Food

b)  oatmeal, PB, flaxmeal, blueberries & a small  yellow mango

l)   green salad blend w\ chick peas, pepitas, artichoke hearts & oil & rice wine vinegar

d)  zucchini, spinach, tomato, onion, carrot & hominy stoup w\ black beans, pecans

I still have a large tub of salad in the fridge for lunches, and I think I will stick with making veggies stoups for dinners, enough for two portions at a time. Tonight's batch will use up the last of the refried black beans, and in combination with the tomatoes and zucchini it will give it a minestrone feel. Oh, and I'll use fresh thyme and sage from the back yard to sauté the onions - that always makes for a great start. One more thing about the soup, I'll also be a little heavy handed using the mushroom mix (dried mushroom, sage, red pepper) another key component to getting the depth of flavour I want. 

Please notice there is no dairy listed with my meals. I'm enjoying the PB, nuts, and seeds in combination with the beans for my protein. I'll finally be pulling the lentils out of the freezer to use in some of my stoups too.

I must be getting out and about, it's too pretty a day to be inside.

BLE: Tank tops, a great motivator

Yesterday was almost Bright, with just a little blurring of a line. I hadn't had a fat with dinner, and it had been a lean bean stoup, and I was 'wanting something'. I ended up with a spoonful of peanut butter. So basically I broke the snacking line by not having my fat with dinner. No biggie in the greater scheme of things. And it was another Dairy Free day, as is today. Go me.

Today's Food

b)  chia pudding w/banana &  blueberries

l)   potatoes & corn w\gravy, pepitas and an apple

d)  green salad blend w\ pinto beans, pepitas, artichoke hearts & oil & rice wine vinegar

For lunch today I stopped at Sprouts on the way to the office and picked up mashed potatoes w\gravy, roasted corn w\ jalapeno, a bag of salted, roasted pepitas, and a SugarBee apple. I made my lunch at work, nothing was weighed, but it looked right and I am counting it as a one-plate Bright meal. Yes, I know there was probably a little flour in the gravy, but there wasn't much and for sure not in the top three ingredients of the meal I put together. 

I have found my motivation to stay Bright in the tank tops I have been wearing. Seeing my less than stellar arms makes it easier to say no to NMF knowing I will want to wear a bathing suit at some point this Summer, at least in Hawaii if not before to get a base going; my current farmer's tan will need to be remedied at some point.

Group was good this morning; hearing positive reporting from everyone and knowing we are all working towards the same goal is a great source of determination. My big note of the day says, "manage your buttons so no one else can push them."  We also chatted about stories, and how they engender suffering while what actually happened didn't really mean so much as all of the shade thrown about in the telling later. 

Time to rest after a busy day. Dinner is made and waiting for me in the fridge so I just need to kill a half an hour. Sounds like my turn on the Switch.

BLE: Clean and Bright

The Chia 'pudding' I prepped last night was good. I heated up some frozen blueberries, then added them to the pudding and warmed my bowl up for another minute. It was thinner than anticipated, and at first the texture threw me off a little, but I enjoyed the little crunchy bits from the peanut butter, and the flavour was spot on. Of course adding blueberries to peanut butter is always a winner in my book no matter the vehicle getting it to me.

Today's Food

b)  chia pudding w/banana &  blueberries

l)   spring mix salad w\ garbanzo beans, cauliflower & green onions, apple

d)  Carrot, tomato, onion, hominy, spinach stoup with more refried black beans

Dinner is a repeat from last night; it was good and there are leftovers to use up. The fridge is packed this morning, full of the offerings from Imperfect Produce - I'll be cooking this weekend! That being said, I am moving away from preparing such large batches so I get more diversity in my meals. Three days in a row of the same thing is enough.

Feeling good this morning; no dairy yesterday and no snacking last night. Sort of a clean feeling which, I must say, bodes well for repeating the experience again today.

I also made it out for a walk with Cal yesterday, not a long one, but long enough he almost didn't make it home on his own two feet. My hips didn't freeze up at all, which was a relief, and I'm hoping we make it out again today. He is currently curled up resting in his new favorite spot - his sister's loft bed- but hopefully I can entice him down in a bit.

In the meantime there are chores to do; watering, picking up, prepping my lunch salad, so I am glad for this small space of time to myself.

BLE: No dairy and no chewing

It was a ten-plate day trying to find something for Cal to eat. We started the morning by baking some 'pirate pie', otherwise known as corn bread, and I ended my shift with a PB&J going stale on his plate.  His Mom medicated him in the afternoon and he did wake up from a nap with some appetite. Part of a quesadilla and a donut later and he was his usual evening banshee self; your typical four year old making sure everyone knows he is the center of our universe.

Today's Food

b)  homemade refried black beans, rice, salsa & an orange

l)   roasted veggies, beans, chicken sausage, an apple

d)  Carrot, tomato, onion, hominy, spinach stoup with more refried black beans

I managed to go the whole day without eating a single raw vegetable! That hasn't happened in a while. Probably a sub conscious rebellion to this weeks vlog from SPT about how important chewing is to our brain health, skull, and satiety. It was really just a fluke, needing to use up the oldest veggies before the imperfect order was delivered I opted for stone soup for dinner.  Using my refried beans for the protein thickened it up enough to classify it as a stoup. It was very good, as any dinner is when  you start by sautéing onions with Montreal Steak Seasoning. I expect my hands will be swollen from the sodium when I wake tonight.

The day was mostly good, and I even made it out to sit in the sun for a half an hour. God I miss that, just laying in the sun and luxuriating in the warmth while relishing the wind as it brushes by in counterpoint. Once upon a time I could do that for hours at a time and be brown as a nut by the time Summer arrived. Now I am grateful for a half an hour to soak up some vitamin D. I guess I should also be grateful that I don't have more age spots than I do considering the volume of time I spent abusing my skin.

I also made it through the day without any dairy, and it feels like progress. Lunch had the last of the sausage in it, so the plan is for no animal protein at all for the next three weeks. I prepped a couple of chia puddings for breakfast, having eating the last of the rice and bean dishes, and I'm looking forward to something new. I split the protein between chia seeds,  peanut butter, and almond milk then added in steel cut oats for the grain portion. Oh, and I smashed up 2.6oz of ripe banana into each one so they should be a little sweet. I haven't decided if I want to add in blueberries or peaches to round out the fruit serving, but I'm sure either will be wonderful. I don't know why I haven't done this before, but I'm hoping it's good enough to be a new regular.

My inner voices weren't too bad today, ignoring the plethora of food choices I laid out for Cal with barely a whimper. And I think we tossed most of the left overs so there won't be anything tempting me from the kitchen tonight. Maybe the corn bread, I'm a little nervous about that and may take it out to the garage before bed. And that's exactly the kind of crazy that makes me... well, crazy.  Normal people wouldn't give it a thought.

Exhaustion creeps up my spine, and I guess I am headed out to the garage.

Go me.

BLE: No Dairy rezoom

I find anger lurking just beneath the surface this morning, my narrator trying to insert false ideas that in theory should justify eating before lunchtime. Wondering about the why dissipates the urge to eat, and instead I am grateful for the lunch that is set out on the counter awaiting mealtime. Instead I am interested in the grumblings of my stomach and thinking about the why of it. My best guess is the heavy dinner that included meat and cheese. I remember something about digesting animal protein, and how once the body is geared up to process it (acid), it craves more of the raw material to keep processing.

What did Fuhrman call it?  Toxic hunger? What I am feeling is not hunger, but the withdrawal symptoms from digesting a toxin - otherwise known as animal protein. God, it's all coming back. The reason I started eating for nutrition, the studies, the science, the moral dilemmas.

In a way it's a good thing, this feeling; the shakes, the stomach growling like a starving bear, the slight flush in my face and the anxiety in my chest. I'm feeling it all, and just knowing it's not hunger helps to calm my mind.

Glancing at the clock I see it's only eight minutes to lunchtime. Thank God.

BLE: Bright if not dairy free

 Anita's is a family restaurant downtown that evokes many memories for me. Dinner with my son, the Wedding Rehearsal dinner for my daughter, and good Mexican food served in a cozy colourful setting. For years the owner would come around saying hello, making everyone feel welcome, checking on the quality of our meals. Tonight is their last night in this location, and if they can't find a new one, the business will close. Why am I bringing this up? Because of course we had to order dinner from them on their last night. And while cheese enchiladas was the first thing to come to mind, I also remembered amazing chili verde, so that is what I ordered. A super burrito, in fact, and I ate it all except for the tortilla. To be accurate, I even ate two bites of that, and practically sucked the sauce off of the rest of it before resigning it to the green waste bowl. 

Was it weighed or measured? No. Was it enough vegetables? No. (I did weigh out 5oz of grape tomatoes to eat afterwards, needing to supplement the veg.) And did it have cheese and sour cream and avocado on it? Yes, yes, and yes. And it was delicious, and I have no regrets. I wonder if I had been two weeks into no dairy instead of 2 days if I would have modified my order. But it was the memories, and the emotion, that guided my choice. That luxurious feeling of giving in to something greater than myself.

But it was a 'one plate meal', and there were no seconds, no chips & salsa, no rice and beans on the side. It's all good, and I feel Bright if not dairy free.

If they do re-open in a new location, I will be more careful about what I order, and by then hopefully it will be a vegan choice. In the meantime, I am fired up to make a healthier version of this favorite. How I will achieve the richness without the pork I am not sure, but it's now on my to do list.

Tomorrow is just another opportunity to start over, which is almost every day for me lately, which has become ... a bore? frustrating? ridiculous? I remind myself that beginning over each day is how I have maintained my loss, and that one of these days I will look back and realize how hard I fought, and how I never gave up, and how that led at last to success in reaching a body that is just the perfect size for me.

I hope, I dream, I am unstoppable.

For sure things will change when Cal is finished with treatment, as we slowly trade out the unhealthy snacks for better options, and quit driving through for fast food as we become less afraid of him losing weight. I am intimidated thinking about what his energy level will be like once the Chemo stops, and needing to keep up with him. I will try to think of it as motivation.

I am still listening to Body in Balance, and realizing that once I am off the dairy I need to cut back on the oil. I want to go back to making salad dressings using nuts and vinegars, fruits and herbs, lemon and spices. Once upon a time I had a Magic Bullet, and the smallest cup was perfect for blending up single serve dressings. I may have to do some retail therapy so I can start doing that again this Summer when salads will be on the rise.

My teeth are a little achy from their cleaning at the dentist this afternoon, and I'm a little tired from the day's work, as usual, and just need to stay up enough longer to finish my Sweet & Spicy sleepy time tea before calling it a day.

What the hell, it's almost ten, I'm calling it.

Day.

BLE: "Your Body in Balance"

I have known for years and years that I need to quit eating dairy. The three years I followed Dr. Fuhrman I felt good, but even then my treat each week was to pick up a roll and some cheese from the deli while grocery shopping. And adding an ounce of cream cheese to my stoups at dinner was not uncommon. And parmesan to my salads. So yes, cheese is and has always been a good friend. Good Grief, I sound like Spock talking to Kirk. 

The point is that I am listening to the new book by Dr.  Neal Barnard, and he is grinding home the point that cheese is not and never has been my friend. Not when I was a child sneaking into the kitchen, not when I was a teen plagued by horrible painful acne, not as an adult trying to treat asthma and allergies. And not now, trying to get into a right sized body and recapture enough energy to keep up with a four year old.

So today I tried to go without. I haven't been shopping since making the decision, so beans and roasted pecans made up the protein that last week would have been cheese.

Today's Food

b)  homemade refried black beans, rice, salsa & an orange

l)   green salad w\ red pepper, red onion, red kidney beans, pecans, oil & vinegar, an apple

d)  sautéed veggies, chicken sausage, white beans, grape tomatoes

For breakfast I had the full 6oz serving of beans instead of splitting it with cheese; I was still ready to eat at 11am, so didn't feel any difference there. My 'red' lunch salad was good; it felt lighter than usual but I was good until dinner. I had pre-packed some dinners with the chicken sausage prior to making the decision to forego animal protein, but at least I had already split the protein with beans, so it was only a 2oz serving. 

I'm a little hungry, nothing unusual about that, and anxious for these next couple of days to go by so I can tell the difference. My first hope is that the inflammation in my hands will be better in the mornings. My second hope is that I will start sleeping better making it easier to stop snacking at night. Listening to the book and revisiting how hormones are designed to work and how dairy can make it all go wrong made me cringe. We are such intricate creatures, and I see how I have been throwing a monkey wrench into my operating system for years...for my whole fucking life really.

I knew this before. And it makes me sad to know a part of me decided to 'just forget about it' so I could keep indulging in dairy.

I imagine there will be some grief involved, and that my saboteur will run amuck trying to convince me that just a little won't hurt. But after a year and a half of Bright Line Eating I know I am a food addict, and after being reminded of why cheese is so addicting I don't see how I can do anything but give it up.

I also watched my oil and salt today, weighing my salad dressing for a change, and choosing Mrs. Dash instead of the salt shaker.

One Day at a Time. I can do this.