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Sunday, February 24, 2013

Variation on a theme

This morning I found myself thinking about the tasks I wanted to get done; clean the bathroom, organize the tax files, change the sheets on my bed. This is not to say I will accomplish all or any of these things, but just the fact that I am apparently interested in seeing them done is a great improvement in my mental state. I find it interesting that you can go for days, weeks, months and even years without noticing a subtle decline, but then in a moment see it all in a flash of clarity. How I wish I could be a scientist examining my life and be able to say, 'see here, she did that and this resulted and she was never the wiser. Now she did this and that resulted and she hadn't a clue.'

There are some connections I can and do make, but realizing something and having the desire to do anything about it are two completely different things. So to say.

But I did find it interesting this morning that I am back to making honey-do lists in my head. Hopefully the weather will motivate me to accomplishing something, or rather, anything, today.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

White Caps

Driving home from work yesterday was treacherous. The on ramp was slick with what I can only imagine was black ice, and braking for the car in front of me I slide dangerously close to the cement bunker as I lost traction. Facing me was the car who had pulled a 180 heading out of the turn and behind me was an array of 4 more cars all precariously close to one another, jutting out at odd angles. Thank heavens for good reflexes and kudos to all. We waited while car numero uno was turned in the right direction and headed carefully onto the freeway then we all followed suit. I felt grateful to have come out of that turn without an incident, and drove with care the rest of the way home. That's not to say that I didn't do a bit more site seeing than usual. Heading down the valley towards home there were brightly sloping snow topped foothills to the right, and a majestic view of Mt. Diablo to the left, it's peak all frosted in white as if it were a sweet offering at a giant's party. Above and ahead of me were storm clouds dark with intent, and streaming down from a gap there was a rainbow made up of broad strokes of yellow, tangerine and lime; just gorgeous, and I had been oblivious of the snow all day as I crunched away at numbers sitting at my desk.

To celebrate my survival and the beauty of the day in general I pulled into zpizza on the way home to pick up dinner, and while there waiting for my order I popped in to the gym to cancel my membership. I've been meaning to do this for about nine months so I'm giving myself a pat on the back instead of crying over the lost dues. I could have wasted money on worse.

This evening I got home late, but managed a quick dirty rice for dinner (I love having cooked brown rice ready to go in the freezer) chock full of tomatoes, peppers and onions. I'll take a container to work tomorrow and top it off with frozen kale to get some more greens in there.

Meds: I've cut back to one anti-anxiety pill a day and already notice an improvement in energy. They say the body doesn't react that fast, but whether it's mental or not I'll take it! I even have laundry in on a work night - odd to say the least. I'm not in a ton of pain this evening either, now if only the cough would go away I'd be a relatively happy camper. Come on Robitussin - get your ass in gear!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

A Peek at Spring

Yesterday I drove to the coast with my two favorite girls. We rambled through sand and tide pools, falling a little, sweating a lot, and discovering all sorts of bits and pieces together. There is nothing quite like the call of a four year old shouting gleefully, "look what I found", as you hold your breath and pray for her good footing and balance to take precedence over her excitement to share. I came home with a small orange crab claw, two broken shards of shell, and a lighter heart. I also came home exhausted through and through. H came through with dinner, and I managed to drag my sorry ass into the messy kitchen and not exit stage left until it was clean. Aha! Something accomplished! The rest of the evening passed in a blur, and for the first time in seven years morbid thoughts did not consume me between 8:30 and 9:00pm.

It wasn't until this morning that the sad thoughts began to surface. Well, really only one. I realized that I have to believe there is something more than meets the eye, because Joey deserved better than the hand he played while here. Mostly that is what I think. There is a whole discussion to be had for what the human experience is, and what if anything follows or came before. It is one of my regrets that I have had no one to have those interesting conversations with; but that's about me, and I didn't sit down to whine.

I would rather gloat about the three lush mounds of cut grass that lay drying on the back brick patio. About how dismal the morning was, and how glad I was when the sun broke through. I had been wretched all morning, unable to wake up properly. Even after dressing with the intention to go buy cough drops and dish soap I ended up back on the couch to watch a movie I had recorded earlier in the day. When it was over I erased it and clicked on the next recording. Funny how things work. It was a surfing documentary, and after a few minutes of enjoying the sun vicariously through the tanned and muscled surfer dudes I realized the sun was actually making an appearance in my own back yard. Off went the TV, on went the crocs, and out the back door I flew.

How wonderful to be up and about, using my muscles, and feeling...worthy...for a moment. Just Grand. And I know I will be ever so grateful when the rain comes later this week and little Kaylee has short grass to wade through instead of the long dripping fronds that would have otherwise challenged her dwarfed legs.  She is so much nicer to cuddle when dry!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Inheritance of Love

Do I love & cherish my granddaughter because my grandmothers doted on me, and made me feel special and loved and precious? Or did my grandmothers love and cherish me because that's just the way it is between grandmothers & granddaughters and I'm simply carrying the torch on to anther generation? I know my Mom loves my daughter, but I think that distance tempered the passion. I am so grateful that this bundle of love & energy is a part of my life, and that I get to be a part of hers. I didn't know I was going to be able to love this way again after we lost Joey, and it came as a wonderful surprise when she was born, this love she brought into my life. Into all of our lives.

What a corny little post, but heartfelt. I am ever so grateful for this capacity to love. And my thoughts stem from the news and a meteor of all things. Of how it came blasting into our atmosphere and dumped tons of energy in it's passing. Yes indeed, very much like the impact of a granddaughter.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

A little Chocolate

A few laps to the copy room and back at work, a few more at home going up and down the driveway taking out the garbage, and the last small treks down the hallway of the house and back to rotate the laundry. Fairly pathetic. And no, I am not really pretending to count any of that as a 'walk'.  I guess I just wanted to point out that I was not curled up in a  ball on the end of the couch all day.

My soon to be ex-sweetheart gave me chocolate; great, lets start Valentine's Day in tears. Wonderful. I shared out the treat at work, saving none for myself, and instead indulged in a chocolate covered strawberry from the kitchenette where we all share out goodies. 

What an exhausting day; watching the flowers being delivered, the red boxes tied with crisp bows getting piled up on the counter, the girls waltzing around the office in their little black dresses. Apparently this is what you wear if you are a chic size zero and it's Valentines. Let me be clear, I do love these tiny ladies and their too tall shoes; I just don't want to be one of them. I've always been more of a tight jeans, keys hanging from a belt loop type of gal. Well, in another life anyway. Now I am just old crazy lady frumpy. I know, this too shall pass.

So the day is just about over. I'm still walking and breathing, but haven't been brave enough to call and check in on my daughter. My bad. I wonder if it's too late to call. 

It wasn't, and now we have plans to drive to the beach on Saturday; cool.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A tiny rant

This space of time each year is a roller coaster of feelings; Mom's birthday, Valentines Day, Joey's D-Day. And I am still not well. And being unwell for so long makes me too emotional. And of course I am still fat, which  makes me crazy. I am too far away to have spent time with Mom, I'm breaking up with my sweetheart, and 2/16 is always just plain hard. 

I heard a new twist on, 'how we spend our days is how we spend our life'. It goes something like, 'how we invest our love is how we enrich our lives'. It's hard to foster love when you shut yourself in and make your world really small. I feel I am wasting my heart's capacity to love, that I am withering in some way by not expanding my experience of life.

But there are those I do love fiercely, and I think that as long as I feel the possibility of love all is not lost.

To bed, perchance to dream.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Is it Friday yet?

The downward side of this cold is simply exhausting. I was so expecting to feel better this week, and while my symptoms are waning my energy has not returned. One should not have to talk one's self into going to work; I know, millions of us do it regularly, but still it sucks. I miss being a morning person! I miss the temperate California weather I grew up with! I miss feeling young! And while I didn't appreciate it while I had it, I miss being happy. Not the giggly over the top had a couple of drinks at happy hour bliss, but the pleasure of enjoying so many of the details over the course of a day. The colour of the sky, the shape of a cloud, the dog squirming her way across the floor on her back on the scent of a good stink.

God I'm full of whine this evening.

And Nachos. Hey, someone had to eat the Superbowl leftovers. And no I haven't walked yet today. The day is rapidly winding it's way down to a low of 32 and I don't want to risk a relapse. 

Day One, Excuse One.

Monday, February 4, 2013

A Small Reprieve

Having decided to walk the last 100 days with Dani, I proceeded to have my days filled with meetings, overtime and finally to top it all off a nasty cold virus. Luckily for me, today she posted that this was in fact day 265 and that there were now really 100 days left to complete her year of walking everyday. So I had a small reprieve, and tomorrow I can get to work on walking everyday myself as I originally intended. Walking for 100 days. One Hundred Days. Or as Danny DeVito might say, for one hundred days.

First, I'll get through tomorrow.

Friday, February 1, 2013

One Month Gone

As one reaches a certain age they realize that there is a direct correlation between one's advancing age and the rate at which months pass in a year. The older one becomes, the faster the year passes, and this year is no exception. Already a twelfth of the year is gone, and February begun, and in 15 more days Joey will have been gone seven years. It seems impossible.

The first few months after his passing was an agony, each Thursday night between 8 and 9 I would be so stressed I couldn't function; wondering what had really happened, what he had felt, how impossible is was that he had ended up dead. It was like a horror movie had been stuck on replay in my head and I couldn't escape its viscous cycle. Now it's years later and the nightmare of that first year has been subdued by the passage of time, and the grief is a shadow of what it once was. 

I have found myself pushing aside thoughts of this death day anniversary, not wanting to dwell and succumb to strong emotions. Not wanting to feel that searing pain. I don't know if this survival tactic is good or bad in the long run, I only know I am doing what I can to get through each day.

The whole thing was such bad timing, like there could have been a better or more convenient day for him to die? Could I be less morbid?  Less than a week after my Mother's Birthday, two weeks before mine, and two days after Valentines. How can one celebrate with Joy when the nearby dark is such a smothering presence.

Okay, enough said. When I lay down tonight I will remember all I have to be grateful for, including the years with Joey, and count my blessings.