BLE and the common cold

 About a week ago this past Wednesday my throat started to hurt. We had received a call from the school on Monday that Cal may have been exposed to Covid so I was a little worried. We both got sick, but I tested negative, so it was just a cold. A miserable one with lots of chest congestion and going through a box of tissues each day.  And we are still not well over a week later. The first few days I ate anything that would soothe my throat; yogurt and ice cream being the main offenders. But I knew I didn't want to end up in the ditch so I switched to eating breakfast three times a day. One day I was so exhausted I had rice & beans all day that I had measured and packed with salsa and cheese for easy breakfast meals; easy to warm up out of the fridge. In the book Bright Line Eating Susan does say you can do that if you're sick. So I did, I had three breakfasts.

OMG, I was so stuffed going to bed that night I decided enough! I just needed to FTFP, and that would help me heal too. So I realized today that I've been Bright two days in a row. No biggie, I do it all the time. With several days of almost being bright in between. I am what they call a 99 %er, or a slight-liner. Someone who can't seem to stay Bright despite good intentions, habit stacks, and support.

I am writing here this evening with the hope that if I write it out, I can head into tomorrow with a healthy frame of mind and have a 3rd bright day. What I would really love is to finish out 2022 Bright. No Sugar, No Flour, No Snacks, Weighed and Measured Meals. I have heard it so many times, if you can do two days, you can do three. etc etc etc.

I've been listening to the Accountability Call recordings, and most of them start with questions I want to say yes to but rarely can. Were you Bright,? Did you write down your food? Did you commit it to yourself or someone else? I don't want 'NO' popping up in my head. I want to answer with YES YES YES. Why? Because I need some integrity around my eating.

Wait a Minute! The day of three breakfasts was also Bright, so I already have three Bright days. Well, I can't actually count this one until the morning, but I think I finally slayed the 3am eating beast so I'm pretty confident. So tomorrow can be day four. What about that!

I don't know why but I feel better already just knowing I can use Joey's Birthday as the day 'when I finally committed.'  Maybe he gave me a present. A fanciful thought, but lovely as they go.

Anyway, still coughing and blowing my nose, but forcing down the veggies and fruit. Using the oil from the jar of artichoke hearts has helped, as has the vinegar from the Kalamata olives; who needs dressing when you have those! 

Alan baked macaroon cookies this evening, and there are still a couple hanging out on the kitchen counter. Not even temped, and they are my favorites. When you're on, you're on. Figuring out how to keep the switch flipped is my current goal.

Here are some notes from stickies littering my desk.

    It's not magic, it's willingness

    Boil potatoes, chill in fridge, then reheat. This causes the starch to become resistant, meaning less easily digestible and reaching the colon to feed the good bacteria.

I think we're out of potatoes, so maybe some overnight oats for breakfast. Time to write down my food for tomorrow so I can think yes tomorrow while listening to an AC recording.

BLE and Grief

I'm still a little emotional this morning, but thinking about my grief yesterday I realized that maybe this is why I haven't been very bright recently. I have been so caught up in anger about being sick (just a really bad cold) and not being able to follow through on my plans to move South, I assumed those were the feelings I have been eating.  But often in September I start eating more, like a bear preparing for the winter, except I am ramping up for the desolation of another 9/24 without Joey.

And I am grateful this morning to BLE for teaching me about creating space between thoughts and things. About the power of the pause, and being able to just sit with my emotions of the moment without running from them. I've never felt like I was eating my feelings, but rather eating to run away from them. I guess it's all really the same thing. But the past few years I have not played the pity card, telling myself it's okay to indulge in eating anything I want because, "look at what you've lost". Instead I have tried to stay Bright, tried to put on bunny slippers and rest and watch good movies.

We don't usually speak about him on his Birthday, it's just too hard! Instead we had a tradition of having dessert; malted ice cream sundaes from Lord's, or trips to Cold Stone or Baskin Robbin's, always last minute plans because we just don't want to think about it. Really what I am saying is that we didn't want to feel about it, and procrastinated until the end of the day where we would bury those feelings in sugar.

Yesterday I emerged from my self imposed exile (keeping  my germs to myself) as the family was leaving for their almost daily trip to the dog park and looked at my daughter. "Half of me wants desert for Joey's Birthday, and half of me doesn't!"  She simply said, "well text me if you want us to stop for something".  She knows of my battles with food, and does bright line eating during the day most of the time. There was no judgement, no opinion, just love; she is the best.

I immediately calmed down, and knew I really didn't want the desert, I just wanted to say his name out load. To reaffirm that he is real, and loved, and missed. So I am still sitting with the pain today instead of eating it, and in a weird way it feels good. Because I know that when this burning pain in my throat passes, and it will, I will be ever so grateful that I am in a place that can appreciate that missing him is a part of my human experience. That I am not trying to hide my love for him under a mountain of sugar or flour, but instead I am expressing it through my feelings of grief.

Time to dry off these tears, hug the dog, and find a quiet little distraction.

Happy 39th

 Happy Birthday, Joey. I still hold so much love in my heart for you, and often find myself wishing that your next adventure is/was a good one. Better than what you found here. Better than the harsh hand you played while with us. And I cry to think of how we all might have struggled had you not left when you did, because to think of you having stayed and found a way to thrive is just too heartbreaking.

I still dream of you sometimes, not as often as I would like, but enough to remember you in every detail. And I will just sit here for a moment in this pain, missing you, and being a little mad at the universe. Because what else can I do?

I'll be okay tomorrow, because that too is how it has to be. To just go on, and try to be here for your sister and Cal and Alan. I love them so much, thank heavens or I probably wouldn't still be here waiting around. Which in itself is a rather sad thought, but ultimately true.  

Wherever you are, take it easy, and know we are loving you.