BLE: pudding or custard?

 I posted the recipe yesterday for the sweet potato custard I made, but in retrospect I think it's actually yam pudding because there is a starch in play. In either case it was creamy and delicious. Filling but not heavy as I was worried about, and very satisfying. I asked myself the important questions; was it too sexy? Was I already thinking about the next time I could eat it? Is it triggering any cravings? So far the answers are no, and I'm feeling this is a win. It was less complicated than using pumpkin, and as I said, delicious. Not to mention the nutritional hit - this has to be better than cheese and crackers to break my fast. 

I had picked up a top round steak and stewed it with tomatoes, onions, and spinach in the instant pot late last week. When weighing out my meals I split the protein between the beef and black eyed peas. The red chilies that R had pickled and that I used in the pot made it a very spicy dish, and the beans help cut that. Then last night R made meatloaf (ground triscuits instead of bread crumbs) which was wonderful and there are also leftovers of that.

We have two tubs of salad fixings in the fridge ready to go, and it is comforting to know there is everything I need all prepped and ready to eat beautiful bright line meals for the next few days. I'm still cooking batches twice a week, this works well for me, and it's good to have the imperfect produce to steer me towards choices that won't waste food. Have I mentioned that I have never liked steamed greens? But I have discovered that I love spinach cooked with tomatoes, or wilted in soups or hash. It feels good to be getting more greens back in my diet, and I've been adding kale to the salad mixes too.

I have listened to the Food Freedom videos that are releases for free each year, and I am thinking of re-listening to the boot camp program. I was so stressed out during the initial boot camp that it wasn't very productive for me. I think listening to the modules then journaling about each one would be a nice little support vehicle. Maybe I'll go listen to the first one this weekend when I'm not rushed and see how I feel about it.

But now I am off for a Facebook Live presentation.

BLE: Sweet potato custard

 It was a long busy day, but the important part for this post is that there was not a can of pumpkin to be found at the grocery store. Nada, zip, zilch. And I wanted pumpkin custard for breakfast tomorrow. So I picked up a butternut squash, decided it would be too watery for custard, and grabbed a red garnet yam. Or sweet potato if you will.

This evening I cooked the yam in the microwave, and weighed it on the food scale. Checking the quantity for a serving of fruit, I realized that this was not counted as a fruit like pumpkin is, but as a grain. So started from scratch.

This is three each of grain and protein, plus a smidge of fruit: 12oz sweet potato, 4eggs, 8oz half n half (should have been milk but oh well), 1tsp vanilla, a healthy shake of pumpkin pie spice mix,  and 4oz of chopped medjool dates. The dates will be subtracted from whatever 6oz of fruit we add to breakfast. I was thinking of adding in a ripe banana, but no - wrong flavour profile. The custard is sitting in the fridge overnight so the dates will soften and I can whip them in with the immersion blender in the morning. Then I'll bake off the custards in a warm water bath for an hour at 350 for a hot luscious breakfast. This might be too sexy for a Bright Line Meal, but it is what it is. I'm also a little worried it will be too heavy of a breakfast, but time will tell.

Tired, but glad to have a bright day behind me after staying bright the night before. I think I am over a short lived rebellion after Joey's birthday and back on track. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I opted out of sugar and flour. Well, mostly opted out. There have been a few sidebars along the way. But I am still glad I've not regained any weight, glad I joined the Bright Line Freedom class, and glad to be making progress with my 'parts'. I still know this is the right thing to do, and still have confidence the weight will continue to come off.

I am no longer a person who eats sugar and flour; it's just not worth it.

Bright Line Freedom; making progress

When I wake up tomorrow morning I will have five Bright days and nights under my belt. Last night was easy, and today the chatter was gone. Thank heavens! I anticipate keeping my lines for quite a while going forward; it's just too true that a break can be devastating and I'm just exhausted from the past few months. Struggling every day to just maintain the weight I've lost was absolutely crazy. I'm so glad events conspired to make a space for me back on the wagon. I attribute this to spending more time listening to  the SPT vlogs, the support of my Master Mind Group, and most importantly the parts work we are doing in the Bright Line Freedom class. And when I say events conspired, I mean that I didn't give up. In my attempt to be unstoppable I made things happen. Go me.

I came across this entry from Susan from last year, and it so perfectly described what I am trying to accomplish I thought I would share so I have a reminder to revisit this again.  It turns out that curiosity is for more than killing cats, it's also for melting away the urge to eat. I am so thankful that this 'self-therapy' is actually working.

Today I made black eyed pea soup in the instant pot.  I started with the linked recipe, but was out of  green peppers so doubled up on the celery. I also added in a 32oz can of crushed tomatoes and used the full 16oz bag of dried peas. My pot was full to the MAX line, and the soup was delicious. Peas were cooked perfectly, the jalapeno was just the right amount of heat, and I got to use fresh thyme from the back yard!

Yesterday in the instant pot I braised (?) a pork shoulder and then roasted tons of veggies in the oven, so my food is prepped, weighed and measured for days to come. I think it will be the last roast I cook, I was pretty disgusted when it was all done; a sure sign I am heading back to a plant based menu. I'm enjoying my oatmeal with banana most mornings, adding in a blend of flax, chia, and hemp seed hearts, along with pecans and peanut butter. How decadent and nutritious is that?!?

So grateful tonight for the calm thoughts and positive energy. Even if it was a rough day in other aspects, I know that I handled it much better for having the food under control again. So so grateful. So glad to be on this journey that is turning out to be more than just losing weight. Who knew that was just going to be a side effect? Knowing that eventually I can get back to being my own true self, whoever that is, is such an exciting thought and fills me with a happiness I didn't really think I could ever find.

More about that later, I am tired and off to bed.

BLE: A Bright Night

"You are welcome here in Bright Line Eating, and I honour you using the bright lines in a way that serves you." SPT was ending a vlog on coffee when she said these words, adding "Each of us needs to notice what's true for us and be self-responsible."

The rebel in me loves that she has often said that there are no Bright Line Police. She shares a program that works, and it's up to us to pay attention and follow the program. If we deviate that is something we are responsible for, and I do deviate and I accept that responsibility. When I first started I didn't draw boundaries around quantities because I was afraid of fighting against restrictions. So for me a BLE day was one in which I didn't eat flour or sugar, and I only ate my three squares a day with no snacking. But also from the beginning I have weighed and measured all of my food except for fat. I use it sparingly to roast big pans of veggies, and I use a little extra salad dressing.  I knew this would mean a slower weight loss, and I was fine with that. But is this following the program in a way that serves me? Is not drawing the fourth bright line hurting my recovery from addiction, and keeping my brain from healing?

In light of yesterday's musings, I have to acknowledge that I have not come all the way in and sat all the way down. This is what the parts work is for, and why I am taking Bright Line Freedom. I  am learning to recognize when my rebel part is present, and my goal is to form a trusting relationship with that part so I can work on healing my inner demons - or wounded children as it's termed in IFS work. I need to work on my language! Inner demon is pretty judgmental and confrontational. I'll practice sticking to Rebel in future comments.  OMG, this reminds me! I have often in my life visualized the small angel and demon that would sit one on each of my shoulders and wreak havoc with my common sense when it came to matters of food. I now know the angel is a protector and the demon an indulger.

So my night was Bright last night. I lay in bed hearing Liz Gilbert saying from her Eat, Pray, Love audible book, 'just go back to bed, Liz'. And it helped I think. I also have a sticky note on my bedroom door that says that; just go back to bed. It also says, The Kitchen is Closed.  This is the crazy I want to leave behind. This is the madness that is part and parcel of food addiction. My own true self does not need to leave notes, she just goes about life being curious, compassionate, and clear. Living in those shoes more often is one of the benefits of healing a brain. And having had ice cream cake on my daughter's birthday led to a break that is hard to recover from and here it is six days later.

But I have one Bright day and night behind me, and I anticipate another one today. So far I have not eaten a sample of the cheesy bread I made for C in an attempt to get him to eat shredded cheese in a more productive manner. I did not pop in my mouth the chocolate covered pretzel piece that my granddaughter left on the kitchen counter. And I have prepped and weighed my dinner during C's naptime.

I didn't meditate this morning, but I did lay in bed breathing for a bit. Some would contend that was meditating, and that might be true, but it was just an accidental offshoot of a breathing exercise.

And I am just passing time until dinner, they call this white knuckling it. I can hardly wait for next week when my peace of mind should be back; it can't come too early.

BLF: Come all the way in and sit all the way down

 One month later and I hardly know where to begin. Maybe with this morning and then backtrack.

I awoke early about 5am, which is not unusual, and made the decision to NOT get up and play ACNH on the Switch. Instead I nestled in, got comfortable, and pulled an old mantra out of my pocket. "Om namah shivaya" I let my breathing deepen, and patterned it to my internal chanting, focusing on just my breath. Immediately my mind cleared to a starry field over a calm ocean; I lay there breathing and chanting, everything about my breath and the words. When thoughts arrived, I floated them away, away, away....until I couldn't. All of a sudden I was counting the years since Joey died, doing double the arithmetic in my OCD say to confirm my number was correct. 14 years, 15 come February. I let the pain wash through me and tried to quiet my mind and just feel. Years of intentionally dampening are hard to overcome, and I only lasted a few minutes before I had to jump up and start the day. But it was a good beginning, and tomorrow I will try again. I am going to meditate each morning from now on, because it's time.

It's time to start the self care practices that will help me achieve a Bright life, a Bright body, a Bright mind. 

It's been building all month, doing parts work in BLF,  meting with the wonderful women in my Master Mind group, and coming to grips with the fact that if I don't do the work, I'm not going to get better. I'm not going to heal in a meaningful way. And isn't that the goal? Yes. That's a definite Yes.

For so long I've kept bright lines during the day only to fall into shadow come the witching hour; this adds up to maintenance. I've kept off  the 25 pounds lost since starting Bright Line Eating. But when Everett (our BLF teacher) said the parts work may cause some of us stress, I feel he was speaking to me. Just the idea of 'having to do the work' was overwhelming and parts of me came forward to dismiss the whole notion, voicing all of the negative feedback in an attempt to overthrow my intentions to follow this program.

It was hard, the midnight snacks became fourth meals, and all of a sudden I was breaking my lines during the day too. A bite here, a snack there; maybe an extra serving of cheese and triscuits or a handful of french fries left over from Cal's lunch. I felt it happening, the loss of control, the old demons chattering away in my head, but I couldn't stop. Last night it all culminated in what I can only think of as a binge. First the cake pops out of the fridge, then the left over carrot cake cupcakes from the counter, and finally the chocolate donnettes from the cupboard. WTF!! I just sat on the edge of my bed and thought how horrible it was that I could let my body do that. Because certainly it wasn't something I could do on purpose was it? But it was on purpose, and sitting there feeling the heaviness of my belly I remembered the years of doing just that - to load up on processed carbs to sedate myself. But this time I just looked at just the parts that were involved, and didn't blame myself at all. Instead I tried to analyze what I had done in the light of the parts work I have been doing.

I think I've finally accepted that feelings are felt in the body, not the mind. All those years I thought I was putting myself to sleep so I wouldn't think (which is also true) but it was mostly the lead in my belly so that I wouldn't feel - that was probably the real goal. Now that I am doing parts work, I realize that I have a strong narrator (hence the blogging) that works to protect me, and that this is the part that justifies all of the behaviors that have kept me fat. The absolute worst of it were those times I actually believed that I just didn't care. I remember saying that, saying very defiantly, that it's okay because I really just don't care, always before a badly made decision, while a small part of me way deep down inside would raise a tentative hand and whisper, "oh, but you do, you know." But this time I was aware of that part, and I listened.

I think last night was sort of a breaking point; the coming together of an action I didn't feel like I had sanctioned, analyzed by what could only be my own true self, and the resulting meditation this morning as an immediate plan of action. 

I hear it all the time, 'you need to come all the way in, and sit down.' This morning I feel like I have at least entered the room and picked out my chair.