"You are welcome here in Bright Line Eating, and I honour you using the bright lines in a way that serves you." SPT was ending a vlog on coffee when she said these words, adding "Each of us needs to notice what's true for us and be self-responsible."
The rebel in me loves that she has often said that there are no Bright Line Police. She shares a program that works, and it's up to us to pay attention and follow the program. If we deviate that is something we are responsible for, and I do deviate and I accept that responsibility. When I first started I didn't draw boundaries around quantities because I was afraid of fighting against restrictions. So for me a BLE day was one in which I didn't eat flour or sugar, and I only ate my three squares a day with no snacking. But also from the beginning I have weighed and measured all of my food except for fat. I use it sparingly to roast big pans of veggies, and I use a little extra salad dressing. I knew this would mean a slower weight loss, and I was fine with that. But is this following the program in a way that serves me? Is not drawing the fourth bright line hurting my recovery from addiction, and keeping my brain from healing?
In light of yesterday's musings, I have to acknowledge that I have not come all the way in and sat all the way down. This is what the parts work is for, and why I am taking Bright Line Freedom. I am learning to recognize when my rebel part is present, and my goal is to form a trusting relationship with that part so I can work on healing my inner demons - or wounded children as it's termed in IFS work. I need to work on my language! Inner demon is pretty judgmental and confrontational. I'll practice sticking to Rebel in future comments. OMG, this reminds me! I have often in my life visualized the small angel and demon that would sit one on each of my shoulders and wreak havoc with my common sense when it came to matters of food. I now know the angel is a protector and the demon an indulger.
So my night was Bright last night. I lay in bed hearing Liz Gilbert saying from her Eat, Pray, Love audible book, 'just go back to bed, Liz'. And it helped I think. I also have a sticky note on my bedroom door that says that; just go back to bed. It also says, The Kitchen is Closed. This is the crazy I want to leave behind. This is the madness that is part and parcel of food addiction. My own true self does not need to leave notes, she just goes about life being curious, compassionate, and clear. Living in those shoes more often is one of the benefits of healing a brain. And having had ice cream cake on my daughter's birthday led to a break that is hard to recover from and here it is six days later.
But I have one Bright day and night behind me, and I anticipate another one today. So far I have not eaten a sample of the cheesy bread I made for C in an attempt to get him to eat shredded cheese in a more productive manner. I did not pop in my mouth the chocolate covered pretzel piece that my granddaughter left on the kitchen counter. And I have prepped and weighed my dinner during C's naptime.
I didn't meditate this morning, but I did lay in bed breathing for a bit. Some would contend that was meditating, and that might be true, but it was just an accidental offshoot of a breathing exercise.
And I am just passing time until dinner, they call this white knuckling it. I can hardly wait for next week when my peace of mind should be back; it can't come too early.
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