When I was about eleven years old, my brother and his friends hung me from the pecan tree in the backyard. He is 13 months older than I am, and of course I idolized him, so it's not surprising that I had volunteered for the experiment. This memory came up during an IFS session in my Master Mind group this morning, and this is my record of that session. Heartfelt thanks go out to Gabrielle for facilitating and Katie for witnessing.
During election night, I sat on my bed eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I had tried to talk myself out of it, but lost the battle. This was the 'trailhead' we decided to explore, the part of myself that was defiant in the face of my not wanting to eat. Visualizing this defiant part that wanted to eat, I could only see a bundle of black lines in a whirling chaotic mass - as if drawn by a fountain pen and in the shape of a ball. There was no personality to this ball, just a roiling mass that moved by impulse without thought. With guidance, I was able to transform the lines from black into gold, and contain them in a jar that I then set aside. The interesting thing about this work, is that the images come unbidden, there is no preconceived set, images just appear and you work within that frame. So I find it interesting that at this early stage in the process my mind was already setting the stage for what would come next.
It was time to unblend from this part, and visualize putting distance between my own true self and this chaotic mass. So I tightened the top onto what was now a gallon sized mason jar full of swirling golden and platinum energy, and set it down on the other side of a meadow I was now in. The next step was to make the jar smaller, and it immediately shrunk down to a size I could hold in my hand if I wanted.
When asking how old the part was, all of a sudden I was looking down at swinging legs with little shoes on the feet, as another part manifested. Asking her if she knew the exile, she looked aside to acknowledge there was another part there but not letting me see. She was able to interpret for me how the golden mass was feeling, and it turns out it was a bundle of anger and betrayal. To unblend from this new part, I saw her move to a swing that was attached to a large tree that was now next to the jar across the meadow. It was amazing how clear the images were, and I could now see all of the little girl, holding on to the swing and kicking her legs, and the golden jar next to her on a tree stump.
At some point in there, maybe asking the energy what it's purpose was, it resolved into a golden heart like the icon I use to send love online. And it turns out that this energy was protecting me from heartbreak. But the image I saw wasn't of a cracked or broken heart, it was complete and steady and whole. So now there was a small jar full to bursting with a gold heart.
During this work, the exile appeared, a little girl of about eleven, and with her the memory of being hung, and how she had been protecting me from the feelings of that day. In order to work with her, I invited her to join me in the garden that had manifested next to the tree, and we knelt in the sun together digging in the dirt; rich, crumbly, dark brown dirt that was warm and delightful to the touch. To unburden her from the feelings of hate and betrayal that she felt, she planted big dark seeds of these emotions in the dirt, and we watched as great glowing sunflowers erupted and stood in tall rows in the garden. Then the sunflower seeds ripened and burst apart - and a crowd of black birds swooped down and carried them away into the sky. It was amazing to watch, and the feeling of that release was intense.
We then needed to address the jar of golden energy. But looking over to the jar, the heart was gone, and it was full of brightly glowing fireflies. She asked if she could release them too, and I said yes, and she unscrewed the lid of the jar. But they didn't fly straight away, instead they swarmed around her in a whirl of positive energy, and I could feel the love and friendship and gratitude being exchanged in the air all around them. Then the fireflies were gone in a golden streak, flying away after the birds to disappear into the sky.
I stayed in the garden a bit longer with my exile, just feeling the warmth of the sun and a light breeze on my face. It was so beautiful and peaceful. And then I was back to the real world, but I know now I can hold that garden inside me as a safe place. And having met this little girl on the swing, and the exile she was protecting, I know I can go there and be with them and develop a relationship. I really need to find out her name!!
Thinking back, I'm trying to figure out which part the energy was, or if it was just the emotions of the exile manifesting after getting past the protector. This work is all so fascinating. Maybe I'll sketch it out to see if I can better understand the relationships of these three parts.
I can see now how this experience would have created a protector. And while I can't remember all of the details of that day, I don't need to, I just need to know that I can reassure that part that I am okay now. Bottom line, the next time I want to eat in the middle of the night, first I will take some deep breaths, and visualize this garden, and have a heart to heart with the little girl on the swing to let her know I am alright, and that I can protect myself now.
Wow. Just Wow.
---------------later--------------
Now that I've had a couple of hours to reflect, it's easy to see how a small kernel of hate can imbed itself in ones psyche. I think of my eleven year old self, and how much I loved my brother, and how I would have had to bury the feeling of hating him for his part in that juvenile stunt. I mean really, hang your sister? What were they thinking??? What was I thinking? And THAT is the part that is hardest, and that is the hate I am speaking of - that I could have willingly volunteered because I wanted to do what, impress him? His friends? I can see how I hated myself for that, and how I could have perceived myself as powerless. Such strong emotions for a child to process. I know this is nothing compared to stories others can tell, but each of our lives are unique, and our experiences can't be compared to one another's in terms of how they affect us.
So I believe that is the burden she has carried for so long; a self hatred that was magnified by the disappointment in and betrayal by her older brother. And how did that play out through my life? I am still too close to the experience to think about it more right now, the realization itself is enough for one day. I have thought of this story before, laughing it off as a childhood prank gone wrong, but I see now it was much more than that. And in light of what happened a year or so later in our lives, I can see how I would have created such strong protective parts, and how they 'come to my aid' when I am feeling anxious. Because anxiety is how I react to strong emotions. And eating is how I tame the anxiety.
