" The Mental Ninja Move"

 I was listening to Susan today while C took his nap and this vlog hit home. As it has before. "Don't let your motor cortex get involved" is  a phrase I appreciated hearing before, but didn't retain. I think my own worst enemy is my memory glitch and all of the good ideas that tumble out through that gap in my brain. I remember what I use, that is the only reason I can do my job. It is why I cannot participate in a debate of almost any kind; I cannot recall at will the details, facts, dates, names, etc ad nauseum that I could bring to  the table to form a defense of any kind.

Basically, while at the  moment I may not be able to make the part of me that wants to go eat be quiet, I can control how my body moves. I can refuse to walk to the kitchen in the middle of the night. I can refuse to move food from my hand to my mouth. I can concentrate on the things I can control, like not moving my body, to give myself the pause I need to do the parts work necessary to shut up whatever part it is that is trying to get me to eat. Because that part is not my own true self. 

The goal of Bright Line Freedom is to live life as one's own authentic self. There is more to it of course, but that is the bottom line. And separating out who I am (who my own true self is) from the parts that developed in my life to 'protect' me, is the struggle of the work that I do. To heal the parts of me that need to be comforted by understanding and love and compassion. Not to get rid of them, or necessarily silence them, but to develop a relationship with them so they understand how what they once did to protect me is now actually hurting me.

Mumbo Jumbo, hocus pocus shit is what I would have thought about that prior to my recent experiences. But now I see that the work is valid, and I will keep doing it. And I will write down a reminder that I have this 'Mental Ninja Move' in my bag of tools to help me. I seem to be living in a swarm of little sticky notes, why not add one more? I may not be able to change your mind about wanting to eat right now, but I am in control of my body and do not have to even walk to the kitchen.  Come to think of it, I do sort of already have that on my door, just stated differently "Just go back to bed." But I want to remember that this is a physical fact of our brain, that we are in control of our motor cortex, and all the internal badgering in the world cannot make me move in ways I don't agree with.

Which brings me back to my recent writing about past experiences. I was complicit in everything. At any point I could have run away, or refused, or called for help. I take responsibility for that, and as I previously wrote, I forgive my younger self for those bad choices. I really do, she was just doing the best she could at the time.

Deep Breath. More later.

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Today I had a dental appointment,  which turned into a root canal. The infection has probably been there for years they say,  observing the loss of bone mass around the root of the tooth they excavated. Why there has been no pain, or even pressure up until now, they cannot say. I'm guessing it's the Immune I take, battling away on my behalf, but just enough to keep the infection at bay, not enough to heal me. And I can't help but think about how often I complain about being tired, and wonder if this is part of the cause. This ongoing low grade bacterial infection in my bone. How disgusting to think about it festering away inside of me - for probably years they said - and not knowing it's there.

So it will be interesting to see if anything changes with regard to my energy level. I start on antibiotics tomorrow, they add a permanent seal to the tooth on 12/1, and in six months they do another x-ray to see if the bone is re-establishing itself around the root. My guess is that the Orenda O'Tropin I use to keep my body in maintenance when it comes to cell replacement will help make that a yes. But I will just have to wait and see. And hope. Because if it's a no in six months, it may mean surgery to clean out the cavity where the infection was, and then wait another six month to see if that promotes some bone growth. If it's still a no, the tooth comes out and a bridge goes in. 

I am not a very happy camper tonight. I was hoping for antibiotics and a lecture on better oral hygiene.

I didn't have a full dinner. I made a bowl of refried beans and left over eggs & chorizo with tapatio. No chewing necessary, just what the Dr. ordered. I can tell already that I will probably feel fine in the morning, and that this will not be a reason to veer off plan.

This morning at the store I picked up a round steak that was on sale, and it's marinating in some soy, red wine vinegar, and Ketchup (no sugar) with onion powder and ground ginger. Tomorrow I will throw it on the grill, and cook up a big batch of stir fry veggies. I have a little tofu left over to split my protein when packing up some meals.

I also grabbed a bag of frozen blueberries to go with oatmeal for breakfasts. And pre-cooked lentils because I was being lazy and soup sounded good. So I'll make a batch of soup probably Wednesday. It was raining on the way home from the Dentist this evening, and, well, soup and rain just go together, don't they?

I am heading to bed with the thought imbedded in  my brain that I will not be going to the kitchen tonight. I will walk across the hall to the bathroom, then straight back to bed. No detours. At this moment I am saying ENOUGH. Enough already. And I am going to mark this day in my journal, and start keeping track again of my Bright Days. I want to know what it feels like to be complicit in the healing of myself for a change.