A part of me was really determined yesterday to make me believe that none of this effort is worth it. That I am undeserving, and that 'Happy, Thin, and Free' is just a pipe dream, just the latest fail. And the result of all that internal badgering was a handful of cookies, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Not anger at myself, or disappointment, just deep bone wrenching sadness. No, that's not right, it wasn't a violent feeling, rather a dampening of spirit, so not bone wrenching, more like having a woolen blanket thrown over me and slowly sinking under the weight of it.
I dragged myself along all day, going through the motions so to say, and ended with having some bread & butter while I sat at my computer answering work emails and just putting in the required hours to earn my paycheck. After work I went to bed, and couldn't muster up the energy to pretend to fight the usual midnight cravings. But my B&B snack was before 7pm, and I didn't eat anything all night, so I am Bright so far today. The sadness has sort of dampened the voice that was badgering me yesterday, and I feel rather calm for a change. Calm is suppose to indicate authentic self, so maybe that's okay.
I remind myself this morning that I am taking antibiotics, and healing from an infection, and that even though I push the thoughts aside so as not to be overwhelmed, Joey is often on my mind as we approach Thanksgiving. A deep internal stressor that never quite abates.
My thoughts this morning are of being consistent, of making the next right choice, and having a Bright day. Because this sadness will pass, as it is always wont to do in the face of persistence. And somewhere inside this wreck of an old woman is still my own true self begging to be let out.
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It's been a Bright Day, and the calm center still remains. Even helping C eat pumpkin bread I was not tempted or distressed at not having any. Currently R&M are unpacking a new refrigerator in the driveway, because what better day for one's refrigerator to die than the eve of Thanksgiving. We were planning on a 2nd fridge for the garage anyway, and we'll be able to transfer the food out there while we wait on the repairman. Maybe Friday, but probably Saturday? At least there is no family coming and no stress about everything being at sixes and sevens while we accommodate the situation.
We have Bright Line meals planned for tomorrow, and I'm grateful for R's support. And I am so looking forward to making turkey soup over the weekend. We're making lots of veggies so we can pack up left over turkey dinners; both roasted butternut squash w\brussels sprouts and a cauliflower 'stuffing' casserole with all the holiday herbs. We're using Tapioca starch to make the gravy. Technically I guess this is still a flour, but it's a small amount, and once added to mashed potatoes definitely lower than 3rd on the list of ingredients.
I am grateful tonight that the kids had the means to go buy a new fridge on a moment's notice, I'm grateful our little family is together for Thanksgiving, and that my extended family continues to be healthy.
And yes, if thoughts are things, tonight will be Bright.
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