Compared to others, three days in a row is, relatively speaking, nothing. But right now, to me, it's everything. In the beginning, October last year, I wasn't tracking Bright Line days - but I had a lot of them. I had a core strength that I think was the direct result of learning the science behind my eating problems, and learning that I was a food addict. It was such a relief to learn that it wasn't me, that it was the food I was eating.
I should have figured the food part out sooner years ago while eating for nutrition as I followed the vegetarian plans as put forward by Dr's Fuhrman and McDougall. At the time I would 'need' to add a grain or pasta to my soups, and bought sprouted whole grain bread for my sandwiches. I should have realized the strong impulse to add these to my diet was an indicator of some sort or another. But I was losing weight and feeling so much better mentally as well as in the energy department.
I can also see now how going back to work after losing 35 or 50 pounds or whatever it was, and being surrounded by all of the pastry and bread, that it was an easy dive into the food ditch for me. At the time I couldn't understand why I kept eating so much crap when I was gaining weight and feeling horrible about it. And again, now I know. Now I understand how the addict's brain functions, and why it was so easy for me to pick up the drugs again. Because I had been using flour as a drug for my entire life.
Thinking about it, I think I can trace it to my tween years, and getting into the bread and butter every chance I could get. And I can see that I came by it honestly, my Mother being much the same. Later in San Francisco, on my own for the first time at 19, a favorite dinner was spaghetti, butter and parmesan cheese. I could eat almost the whole package of noodles, taking breaks to let my stomach relax then back for another serving. And I remember feeling like I could never get enough, it just didn't occur to me why I felt that way. I really believed it was a lack of will power, and that others could just control this desire whereas I couldn't. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So back to the topic at hand, three days in a row just now is a blessing, because I am one day closer to finishing out this set of 100 days being Bright. Just two days to go and then I am into my third set of 100. But for this next set of 100 days, I have parts work in my pocket, and I am addressing feelings and memories in a way that I haven't ever before in my life. Because while last year was about Bright Line Eating, this year is about Bright Line Freedom. I have learned that I have parts inside of me that were created during traumatic events, some of them with a capital T, and I am doing the work to meet these parts and develop relationships with them. I will keep on writing as the trailheads manifest, and memories float to the surface. And I will face them not head on as in a train collision where guilt, regret and anger meet up, but gently, and with love and compassion for the girl and woman I have been.
Because now I know, and once knowing, I can't unknow. I am a food addict, and that is my mindset going into this set of Holidays. Last year it was about the exceptions I made, and how 'good' I was to keep them so minimal. This year it's about not making any exceptions at all, and fitting holiday food into my plan, and into my schedule. I have so much to be grateful for; I don't need holiday food to celebrate. I see this season as an opportunity to do parts work, and to practice the BLE tools I have in my pockets. To have the first Bright holiday season on my road to recovery.
Three days Bright and counting; it feels great.
No comments:
Post a Comment