1. Yesterday morning I had a cup of green tea, wanting a bit of a lift for the work we had planned to do in the garage. There was going to be lots of lifting, shifting and moving of heavy objects. I just wanted a little cup of ambition. But at the end of the day, caffeine stayed true to it's nature and instead of falling asleep by ten I was watching yet another Hallmark movie.
2. At some point yesterday my daughter mentioned she had noticed I was looking smaller.
3. I tried on three pairs of jeans I thought would fit, and they were all too baggy.
In retrospect I can see how these events aligned to create the perfect storm in my inner psyche, attracting the attention of my Saboteur. For anyone not in the know, this is one of my protectors - the one who wants me to eat so I won't ever have a smokin' hot body again, and thus prevent the inevitable 'bad thing' that's going to happen. But I am in the know, and I have tools to use in order to block the Saboteur from having their way.
But not last night. I did all of the above thinking this morning, After indulging in a bag of cashews. Now see, even that is wrong. I wasn't indulging, I was destroying, and maybe that is where I am right now. I just haven't been aware of this dynamic long enough to automatically identify the difference. Which sounds crazy, because of course eating half a bag of cashews is harmful. Mindlessly eating while watching a mindless movie; I believe I have referred to these holiday moves as my valium, and they truly are mind numbing at times. Although I do enjoy the beautiful homes that are often the setting.
But I digress.
Why wasn't I able to do my parts work and avoid breaking a bright line? What I really want to be focusing on each day is what I want now, and not be bogged down by some fear created by past mistakes and the resulting harm. I want to be so in tune with wanting to move better, breathe better, and just feel better in general that I just float through the day, doing the right things, and not letting subliminal messages thwart me. Which of course doesn't work. Ignoring the impulse is what got me here, right? What I am trying to figure out this morning is why I didn't get curious last night, and try to engage with the part of me that walked into the kitchen to get the nuts.
It wasn't midnight snacking either - I didn't do that. But there was another trigger involved, not just the three up top. The fourth trigger was that I was up later than the family for a change. And this meant that the kitchen was wide open for ransacking with no one to see, or know, what I was about. The subject comes up often in Bright Line conversations - this part that wants\needs to be alone to eat - and this is definitely a part of me I need to meet and love and heal.
I'm not sure if it was the perfect storm scenario, or if there is a specific part I can hone in on to figure out why I ate last night, so I am going to lock my door, put on the Bright Line Freedom meditation for the protector, and see if I can at least do an IFS session to get me closer to what was going on in this crazy brain of mine.
Maybe four Bright Line days & nights in a row was just too much for someone. We'll see.
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