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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Vegetable Soup

10:30 am and I sat down exhausted on the side of my bed for a moment taking inventory of my aching body - and the thought came, if I could make one pain disappear forever which one would it be. This inclination towards self-pity  drove me straight up off the bed onto my feet and to write. And on my way I passed this entry - so timely for me and so true.

See what Sean had to say last week about the infamous line of least resistance.

I had filled my morning with doing the dishes, then cleaning out the vegetable drawers in the fridge. This is a great way to make soup; no thinking or planning or finding a recipe - just use up everything that needs to be eaten before it goes bad, and viola, what some might call stone soup. (I am grateful there are potatoes and carrots in my soup instead of stones, but you get the idea.)  

Sunday's are usually Library day's for me and Miss Munchkin, but I am tired, and not about to remind her this wet and cloudy day unless she brings it up. I have three more of the Big House books to listen to so I am set for the week of commuting, and I don't believe we have made it through her stack of ten books yet either from last Sunday. Maybe a visit on Tuesday night to the little library around the corner will be a nice treat instead of trekking across town to the Civic Center on the weekend.

   *************Intermission************** (read as: bowl of buttered popcorn)

Short Stuff has let me know it's time for us to read together, and as always it is my pleasure.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


"Grama, maybe you could use Zumba to lose weight", peeps the little voice of my five year old granddaughter from behind me. I am standing at my workstation puttering about on Farm Town and she is snuggled up on my bed waiting for Sophia to begin.  "You think I need to lose weight?" I ask calmly. There is a poignant pause while she thinks before answering, bless her heart. "I like you just the way you are before you got fat." There it was, the truth laid out before me by a child. And notice the tense, the way she uses 'you are'. Time is caught here as it truly is - everything happening at the same time.

I am fresh out of the shower, and have chopped a good eight inches of hair off my greying head. There is still quite a bit of brown underneath and in streaks through the grey, and I can't complain about how much of it there is. But the long wet strands sticking to me in the shower were...well, they just had to go! And isn't that just how it is in life; things are okay until they aren't.

I loved the recent episode of Grey's Anatomy; showing the what if's of life based on a single moment; how a turning point is a combination of just the right circumstances coming together to 'point' a way forward.

So converging incidents telling me it's time for a change. And I am listening.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Falling Down Hard Day

I've been coming off a year of meds for my back pain, and after a week, today I felt different. To treat nerve pain they gave me anti-anxiety meds, and each day not taking that little pill I feel a little more..on edge. Not anxious, just feeling too much. About too many things, and tonight I have to release some of that or go mad. It's the birthday of my ex, gone these ten years or so, and signing on to FB and seeing his face staring out at me was the last straw on this camels back. So now I am hiding in my room listening to the worst season EVER of American Idol.

So many years, so many different pains, my granddaughter crying in the other room - I cracked. I left. I hide.

I try I try I try and I fail. In so many ways. But of course there is no giving up, there is just my tight painful throat and the knowledge that it won't kill me.

A has been singing (well, not today) a lot of "Let it Go" from Frozen. All my work and reading and putting on a brave face and I still haven't figured out how to do that (the letting go part.) Stupid is as Stupid does. Whatever.

Tired, so tired, and here I am yet again whining. So many blessings in my life, so much to be grateful for, all of it so buried beneath this miasma of ... yuck. Come on Pollyanna, where are you girl?  She peeked her head out during our couple of days of glorious sunshine, but ran away to hide from the grey and damp when they returned.

Finally a big cleansing breath. I will try writing again tomorrow and focus on the positive. We are what we think - and since light and gay don't come naturally I need to get back to work. Shaking my head at myself I say good night.