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Sunday, May 31, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 11/28

Twelve years ago today my daughter married her man in a beautiful ceremony at a local winery. They have seen their share of ups and downs, and this morning I ask the universe to...cut them some slack for heaven's sake! Ok, not poetic, but to the point. I love them dearly and my not so little A that keeps me grounded and hopeful, and I send my wishes up to the stars that their upward spiral towards happiness, contentment and security could be hastened. Just a little. Please.

76 and sunny today, I think I will spend some time in the yard. And the dogs need attending to, their monthly flea treatment being due. One would think I could come up with something better for a beautiful Sunday, but it is enough.  My coffee and cream beckons; I go.
I never made it outside for more than a couple of trips to the recycling bins. But being inside was fine, with the windows open and the trees dancing about a little with a Spring breeze or two. A and I finished up a sewing project, a sundress for her sock monkey, and began colouring a new page in the 'big book' that I gave her for Easter - my intention being that it was big enough to share without bumping into each other. I was wrong. But the pictures are fun and colouring has always been a calming activity for me, and even for A sometimes.

Afterwards she was in the tub and getting her hair scrubbed, followed by a brush out and a blow dry - what a beautiful head of hair she has, much like her mother.

It has been a quiet afternoon with the kids away at a party. I watched a movie, set another load of dishes to spin, and listened to my book over a couple of games of solitaire. This is the time of day that is hard for me and often head here to write. I would love to be sitting outside with a drink and a friend and some laughter. I know I could make this happen if I could just make myself try, but even the idea is exhausting.

I think everything is ready for another work week - laundry done, chopped salad ready to go in the fridge. Oh! Salad! I made a wonderful dressing this morning. Sort of a cross between a ranch and green goddess. I will write it down so I can search for it later.

1C each buttermilk and mayo
1 really large handful each of diced herb leaves: Watercress, Flat leaf parsley & Cilantro
A couple shakes of dried Dill
2 stalks of minced green onion

I used an immersion blender to grind it all together until it was creamy white with little green specks. It's thin, not thick, and tosses into a salad in a light and lovely way instead of sitting thick on top. So delicious that I stood licking the end of the blender hoping I wouldn't cut myself. Over a chopped salad for lunch it was a tad more dilly after sitting for a couple of hours but still wonderful. And notice I didn't have to add any salt at all. I usually add freshly ground pepper and I have a mill at work for lunches there. All I need do in the morning is to pack up some beans to add. I have left over dirty rice bags and containers of bean soup in the freezer I need to use up and they can be my dinners this week. No cooking, no dishes, my kind of meals!

Confessions: I almost forgot about the pasty the Fam brought back from the Farmer's Market earlier. Light pastry, powdered sugar on top and cream cheese inside. Sigh. So worth it. And I did drive through after my dinner of potatoes to get an oreo shake (64g sugar). Was it the sugar in the morning that instigated my evening urges? In my defense I did NOT get fries or a Big Mac.
OMG, while I was typing away the Fam returned home with dessert for me; R had made a strawberry bundt cake with lemon icing and another friend had made a dulce de leche cheesecake. I had a small taste of each. So good & So bad. What did I use to write all the time, 'sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof...?'

Best I head to bed with water and determination to leave well enough alone.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 10/28

Another day passed without adding sugar or meat to my diet, not to say that I ate well as I was lacking in greens, but all in all a good day. The morning was spent in Saturday chores (surprise) including helping A sort out her bookshelf for friends to keep and those to pass on. Then later in the afternoon we spent time at the pool - she frolicking in the water while I basked in the sun enjoying her antics.

My energy spent, the evening passed in front of the tv as usual. No apologies, I do love my shows, and then early to bed with a cuddly Kaylee.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 9/28

Early to work and early home again. A cheese and pickle sandwich on pretzel bread after an apple and a cookie on the way home and my early dinner is complete. There is left over pasta soup if I am hungry later, and as foretold I am tired. I think a quick nap is in order given my early start this morning. I think stretching out on my bed after work is the only incentive I have to actually make it each morning! But as some would say, a made bed means that you have at the very least  accomplished something that day.

Damn that cookie on the way home. A small gap in my control as I passed the office kitchen on  my way out and now I am paying for it in guilt. I did take a walk at lunch, keeping to the grassy medians as much as possible in my 'water sock' type minimal shoes. My toes are getting stronger all the time, thank heavens!

A lazy evening with a 2nd dinner about 8, Amy's organic enchiladas, so I am pounding down the water already thinking about swollen digits in the morning. But calorie wise I am probably on track for the day as my lunch calories were super light.

God, enough about the food; what and when I eat has become my most boring feature. Time to unplug and lay down and become one with the universe; the day is done.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 8/28

A busy day at work, and a nice treat in the middle; chocolate peanut butter mousse - no refined sugar, made with dates and almond meal, cacao and banana. Nice.

Leftover mashed potatoes and peas for dinner and a leftover meatloaf sandwich. It was the ketchup I couldn't resist; a memory really this sandwich. I guess meat once a week isn't too horrible. But still.

I am so glad that tomorrow is already Friday. If I am up early enough I have the ingredients to juice, if not I will do that for dinner and make enough to get me through lunch Saturday. Just feeling the urge to be fresh and clean for a bit. Upon reflection I am usually pretty exhausted by Friday evening so maybe the juice will have to wait. We'll see.

I'm thinking about Joey a lot lately, he is never far from my mind but sometimes everywhere I look I see something that reminds me of him and it has been that way lately. I'm not a wreck, he's just here.

Reading with A and helping with homework, plus an early bedtime and all's well that ends well.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 7/28

Looking back on the week I know there is room for improvement, ie the new double peanut butter magnum bar I had for dessert tonight, but for the most part I am satisfied with my progress. Salads every day, snacking on carrots and oranges, healthy dinners. Still a bit more tired than I would like, but getting things done and pulling my weight.

I discovered this morning that I cannot afford the trigger finger surgery so now there is motivation to do more at home to relieve the inflammation and pain; moist heat, splint at night, relaxing arm stretches and massages on the muscle leading into my hand. I can do this, or rather I must do this or go even more nuts than I already am. I do not need yet another source of pain to dampen my already flagging spirits. JFC!! And back to using the ibuprofen more than I would like.

Other than that a typical work day, stopping for groceries then getting A, helping with her homework while R is across the bay for work, and finally heading out in the car one last time to pick up dessert for the three of us left here at home. A is video-texting her Mom on their ipad behind me on the bed as I finish this up. It's a school night and she needs to be tucked in bed. Then it's iZombie and sweet dreams for me. She is already in PJ's with relatively clean teeth.

Back to no sugar tomorrow, I swear.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 6/28

Another no sugar added day so far. No sugar in my decaf. No homemade lemon pound cake at the office or strawberries dipped in chocolate. No snacks from TJ's to eat on the way home.

My groceries on the way home were mostly for the kids; I'm worried about R not feeling well and having a particularly busy work week, so there will be comfort food dinner ready when she gets home - homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas, fresh strawberries. Not the meal that she would make but I know she will be grateful.  I will have the potatoes and peas, and add a salad.

A is at the table doing homework with M supervising, and I have a quiet moment of two before her energy hits my door, "Grama, what do you want to do that's fun?" Gotta love her.

Stretching my feet, listening to my book, and very glad to be home. I hope there is something on to watch this evening. This gap between seasons reminds me how dependant I am on tv for a nightly diversion. Hopefully by this Fall my feet will be well enough to carry me on walks instead. I hope, I dream, I imagine my world as I would have it; everyday a note sent out to the universe that I am still here, still doing the ground work while waiting for some magical transformation of my life.
A and I had TJ's Honey Greek Yogurt for dessert - 6tsp's of sugar, a day's worth. So delicious and thick and creamy. That's all.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 5/28

It's Memorial Day, but two of us don't feel well and we never spoke of plans to BBQ or recognize the day's passing. I spent the morning in my room going through a box of Joey's things; paperwork to thin out and recycle most of it - his last pair of jeans, plus a hat and a belt to drop off in the donation box later. I need to lighten the burden, and begin clearing out old knick knacks from my room. I need to make space. It almost felt like nesting this morning trying to bring some order to my small corner of chaos.

I did not partake of the coffee cake left on the counter in the kitchen this morning, though I did have a small slice last night.

A trip to the store to buy sandwiches for lunch, and veggies for dinners this week. Some of them are sauteing in red palm oil in the kitchen in one of Mommer's pans as I type, and when softened I'll add quinoa\corn pasta, zucchini, a jar of sauce and a jar of water. First to a boil, then to simmer for 20 minutes and it will be done. An easy one pan dinner with leftovers for the week. More like vegetarian spaghetti soup than anything else really since the ratio of veggies to pasta is inverted, but satisfying. I did splurge on some shaved parmesan for a topper and I am looking forward muchly to dinner.

I have been numb from emotion all day, but I feel I made progress and the room feels lighter. Damn those boys for murdering my son, for taking away R's brother. Big Sigh, on with the day, time for the pity party to wind up. There are tasks to be done for the living; that is where I live, where I am grateful to be, knowing it's only a matter of minutes before A does something to make me smile again.
The pasta was good, it's hard to ruin so simple a dish, and leftovers are in the fridge. I had a little honey in my tea earlier, not much, and no other added sugar for the day. My body is definitely going through some detox or other, my face breaking out and I have been back to being tired yesterday afternoon through all of today. Too tired to weep, to care overmuch about anything, and ready for it to be bedtime. I know the signs - anxious to escape into sleep, my emotions dull and grey. Partly because my physical pain is acting up, but mostly an emotional hangover. I don't have the energy to pretend to be perky or optimistic about much, but I know everything will look different tomorrow or maybe the next day. Rock On.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 4/28

I do not need a can of root beer soda. I may want one, I may drool while imagining the sweetness and going back in time to one of many visits to A&W when I was but a child; sitting in the back of a car and waiting with anticipation for my small mug of heaven. Instead I will enjoy the rumbling in my mid section as it churns away at all of the raw veggies that were in my salad at lunch, and go refill my water bottle yet again. I think I need to make some ginger tea to shake things up - good idea, and I'm off!
Disappointing news this afternoon, which opens a can of financial worms we cannot continue to ignore.  The details are not important, but the impact on my mood is significant.  We have been struggling so long sometimes it is hard to understand why we keep trying; we are hard working honest people - a break would be nice. But I am not going to the store for cheesecake, and in fact had large chopped salads for both lunch and dinner. Mostly I am just sad that we are good people just trying our best and it somehow isn't ever enough to gain a solid foothold.We work hard, but in this convoluted society that is not the means to a successful end, not anymore.

So it has turned into a movie marathon day for me. Okay, not a marathon, I did do housework this morning and make two healthy meals. But I have one movie under my belt and another just starting.

It's okay to be sad. But come Tuesday it's time to focus and set things in motion so we are not suffocating under the stress of our collective pasts.

It's an early check out today.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 3/28

Much was accomplished today, and I managed to keep moving for most of it. I have discovered that a small scoop of coconut cream plus a little milk warmed up together make a most satisfactory addition to my coffee. I don't normally drink milk, but haven't been out to buy cream, and the coconut was on hand as was the milk.

No added sugar today except a little in my bread at lunch; at least it wasn't HFCS.  I'm tired and a little sore but by tomorrow evening I will be happy. Just windows and the bathroom floor left to do tomorrow plus a little work in the back yard. Not bad.

Time to unwind and maybe putter a little more; days like this I miss a glass of red wine in the evening, but no so much that I am willing to go out and have one. Chamomile tea will suffice, while I dream of sweats, a fire pit, and a glass of old vine zin.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 2/28

I began the day thinking I should mark my weight after my sojourn into the land of sugar reduction, and I was not a bit surprised to see that I had not varied a pound up or down in the past month. This is no surprise, my efforts resulted in replacing sugar with fat and extra fruit and I'm sure I replaced every calorie I had said no to along the way in the guise of refined sugar. But I am in a better frame of mind this go around, well, for this day anyway - which is as far ahead as I seem to be able to manage when it comes to predicting anything or making plans. But I am back off meat which will help increase plants and that should help everything, it always does. All in all my first two days have been quite successful in terms of not overeating and saying no to sugar. And my 'sleepy face' syndrome is still gone so that is good as well. Oh, and I walked to the bank and back at lunch today and didn't die. Amazing.

It seems but a moment ago I was feeling the relief that a Friday evening brings, knowing I can wake up slow and putter around the house in my PJ's instead of getting ready for work. I may moan and groan about the tedium of chores, but they do bring a sense of calm to my ever roaming mind and it feels so nice to wander around afterward in a clean and cozy house. It should be beautiful spring weekend and I am looking forward to puttering around in the back yard some too. Oh, and pruning the roses out front. After an initial glorious display of colour they are ready to be cut back a bit and made ready for the next explosion. It is also the weekend for Spring cleaning since I found out this afternoon that the appraiser will be here a week from Monday; there is lots to do. I need to make it look like we actually take care of the place; sad really that I can't seem to do a better job of that. But in a week it will be wonderful around here.

Dinner was take out from a local taqueria enjoyed with the Family in front of the tv (FakeOff.) Beans, rice and fajita veggies with a small salad topped with sour cream and guacamole for me. Yum.

Kaylee is curling up in the very middle of my bed waiting for me to be done and join her. Does she do it on purpose knowing I will have to move her? Is she staking her claim? Most of this past cold season she has spent her nights curled up under my covers spooning the curve made at the back of my bent knees. We are buds; she is my heater. I think it's time to say goodnight.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 1/28

A nice beginning to a new four weeks of backing away from sugar and eschewing meat. Just a biscuit and no sausage this morning, just cream in my coffee and no sugar. I am really enjoying my coffee this way, as I have probably already said.

I have noticed these past couple of days (despite any melodramatic outbursts) that my face is less sleepy. I'm not rubbing my eyes all of the time trying to wake up. This is uber good, and whether it is the extra plants or the little thyroid pill I am very pleased with my increased energy.

My massage was everything I hoped it would be and I am looser this evening than I have been in quite a while. I know I will be a little bruised for a couple of days but no biggie. I get to go again in a month and I hope to do stretching exercises in the meantime. Of course I have been saying that for years, but one can never tell when one's intentions might meet up with a magical turning point. I do dream, but that is my nature.

Green drink for lunch, bean & kale soup and a salad for dinner with a roll, and no dessert. Lots and lots of water and some extra Immune as planned to ward off the lousy detox feeling that comes after a good massage, and so far no evening cravings for a snack.

Thank heavens tomorrow is Friday - I am so ready for the long weekend.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Sugar Break and a small FML rant

I was going to continue on, maybe through a year, of keeping sugar out of my life. But today was too hard, and I am too emotional. Having dessert is not such a catastrophe, but the fact that actually eating it was not planned and instead was an emotional response makes me a little nuts.

I had dessert boxed up to take home to the Family, along with a couple of slices of excellent pizza for A, and it sat safely in the car while I finished up at work. Which included a stressful conversation with the boss. Driving home I of course thought of a million things I should have said, all unproductive and unrealistic. I thought of a variety of emails I might send excusing myself from work the rest of the week. I thought of explaining that if I was not doing an adequate job and all of a sudden needed to be micromanaged then perhaps he should find someone else who would work for his paltry wage and endure his endless slights.

I was not hungry, and not tempted to eat on the way home from this meeting. In tears, pissed off, mad about being so affected by his pettiness when it is not worthy of my attention or stress. It's just a fucking job, no more and no less; it pays the mortgage.

But on the way home I had a text, could I please pick up A, and arriving at daycare (who is also a friend) I saw that it would be less intrusive if I came back in an hour, so instead of bringing home treats to the Fam instead I came home to a quiet empty  house and ate everything myself. The pizza, the dessert, the left over french bread with butter. Big sad frustrated sigh. It's hard realizing I will probably never grow up and be anything but an emotional eater. But it's so difficult to work hard and find I am in the end neither valued for my dedication nor trusted to do my job adequately.

Now I have to go pick up A and pretend I am ok. I can do this. For her I can do this.
What a train wreck. When I picked up A she was upset, there had been a Wii fiasco with another child and she was close to tears, and really pissed off. Sound familiar? Well, she didn't want my comfort, which devastated me and when we arrived home she took my hand to make sure we were good; and of course we were. Once inside she had a snack, and we watched a couple of episodes of Pippi Longstockings while we both calmed down; A on my lap as I sat on the floor, her feet on mine and my arms wrapped around her as she clutched me with her strong little arms. I think we depend much on each other and the love we share against the cruelties of the world. Then came homework and a bit of reading, and finally R is home and I can sneak quietly away to brood, play solitaire and listen to my story.

I am sure not many like the emotional ups and downs a day can bring that leave one thoroughly exhausted. It just seems like maybe I have paid my dues and that there could be some peace in my life. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked.

Tomorrow  I will start again on my quest to rid my body of excess sugar. I am also once again ready to say goodbye to meat. If I have to drive through for decaf sometimes so be it, but no sausage. No bacon. No more subsidizing cruelty to animals.

And on that positive note, I am off.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 28/28

Another sugar free day. Biscuit and Morning Star sausage for breakfast, lots of greens and nuts in my salad at lunch, and bean soup for dinner (full of kale). I'm just back from Target picking up sandwich bread for A, light bulbs and a few other essentials and didn't even consider driving through for a 2pt cone from Mickey D's even though it's the same shopping center.

And my right foot hasn't hurt for two days in a row. I'm cautiously thrilled about that, and standing on my toes as I type this exercising my feetsies. Every little bit helps. Really. Stretch those piggies.

Tomorrow is a legal luncheon (at a really good italian restaurant; my goal is No Dessert) followed by a meeting with the boss so I can't sneak out early. And then the next day is my .... massage! It's been so long, and while it will be uncomfortable getting on the table this heavy I know it will be worth it; my neck and shoulders need a good stretching. Followed by Open House for A and I promised her I would go, so no coming home and crashing; lots of water and extra Immune before my massage and I'll be good.

Time to check out, slide into some PJ's and peruse the DVR selections.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 27/28

I am home from work and full of noodles and veggies, which were followed closely by a banana with peanut butter for an early dessert as dinner was light on protein. Lunch was a large green salad with small coloured peppers, green onion, artichoke hears and pepitas; delicious under the Avocado Cilantro dressing. And breakfast had been my little home made breakfast biscuit. It was sort of nice driving to work without feeling the compulsion to stop for breakfast, to get right on the freeway instead of detouring through for fast food.

No added sugar anywhere. Not even from the freezer at work where a bright yellow post it proclaimed that there were ice cream sandwiches inside and we were to help ourselves. Nope, I declined without any fighting or temptation. I was tempted later on the drive home to stop in for tacos, but reminded myself I had yummy food at home, that I needed to follow my fresh lunch greens with cooked ones in dinner, and passed the JIB exit without fanfare while contemplating what I would make once at home.

Now to rest a little, then tackle another small project so I don't feel so sloth-like, and to play with A when she arrives home.
Done and Done. A and I started the first Harry Potter book; she read the first page with only a couple of 'helps'. She's awesome. I hope she wants to continue, it would be a fun reading project.

Time for tea and bed and a couple episodes of Battle Creek.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 26/28

Yesterday R brought home Strawberry Jam from the Farmer's Market, made using much less sugar than store bought jams, and we discussed making biscuits this morning. And I did! A helped crumble the small butter cubes into the flour mixture, pat out the dough, and use Mommer's cutter to cut the biscuits out.

While picking up organic flour, aluminum free baking powder, and unsalted butter this morning I was sad to discover they discontinued the Gimme Lean sausage substitute and that there was no replacement product. So Morning Star sausage it was (ugh) and as R commented - it just didn't live up to the biscuit. But I have five biscuits set aside, and will saute the morning star in some herb infused oil before building my breakfast sandwiches for the week. I am determined to once again move away from meat and my morning addiction, and this is the first step - making my own 'meatless' breakfast biscuits. I'll have to look elsewhere for the Gimme Lean for future, but wasn't going to delay this another week for lack of preferred ingredients.

It's a gray spring morning; I hope the sun comes out later so I can bathe Kaylee. In the meantime I have had my decaf and biscuit and it's time to finish up some chores. And google for green flooring now that the refi has been set in motion. Or solar roofing, that might be a better way to spend the money if I can eek out some equity. More decisions. They never end. I am grateful to have such a quandary; just sayin'.

A bicycle ride with A to the pond and back kicked my legs and lungs and hands, but after resting a short bit I was back up and at it. I feel the twinges of manic chomping at the bit after my down days; my goal is to be productive and make use of the energy.

Soup's on! Smoked bacon ends, diced red onion & mushrooms all sauteed together. Then veggie stock to deglaze the pan,  and chopped brussels sprouts and carrots and five really large curly kale leaves added to be kept at a simmer until the kale is tender. It will all be blended together, and then two cans of white beans added and cooked  along with water and red miso plus bit of magic mushroom mix to just the right consistency and then simmered until everything is heated through. Bean and Bacon soup this week; Yum.

The last words from A tonight were, "Happy Anniversary Grama!". She had asked me the date earlier in the day, and upon saying May 17th I realized it was the day J and I were married back in 1980. It would have been 35 years had we not separated, then divorced, then been split finally by death. I did not hear her at first, R came to my door to ask if I had heard her, so I paused the tv and sure enough, there she was in the bedroom next to mine with her final farewell to me for the day.

No ice cream tonight, but I did have another cookie this afternoon. Just one, and no other added sugar in the day. Better, but not great yet.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 25/28

The windows are open, there is a beautifully fresh breeze, and Captain Kirk is giving it to Spock - things are good this morning.

A and I shared an early breakfast of toasted seeded killer bread and gimme lean sausage sammies. She had warmed up milk and I had warmed up milk in my decaf coffee.  Since then I have begun my chores, handled all the mail on my desk, filled out my absentee voter ballot, and put away all of the miscellaneous clean clothes that had accumulated on my dresser. It's hell when you have a wardrobe you constantly have to sort through to find something that fits, or is presentable to wear to work, or won't scandalize your family.

Left to do: wash Kaylee, finish the bathroom, and get together my docs to refinance the house - another source of stress. Just do it!!!

Lunch was an organic Amy's bean and rice burrito with pico de gallo, freshly made guacamole and organic sour cream. Loving food has never been a challenge for me. I need to make my next meal either veggie juice or a chopped salad. Greens Vail, Greens!
Paperwork finished, but Kaylee still needs her bath. Tomorrow. A has posted a large reminder on my keyboard to "Wash Kalee".

PJ's, Outlander, and a final glass of water. Oh, and a chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie courtesy of M for dessert. I think 'No' is a mindset, something you need to practice so it becomes an automatic response. This is hard, we are supposed to say 'Yes' to life.

Sugar Detox Days 23 & 24/28

Wow, two days gone. Admittedly I have emotionally checked out, but am still surprised that I did not post during that time as this is my favorite place to vent and whine.  Nothing horrible or spectacular has happened, just struggling with eating as usual. I am taking my thyroid pill every morning as directed, eating healthy lunches, and then dinner's are hit and miss. But even my bad choices are not horrible; bean burrito from CJ's one day and a delicious yakisoba noodle bowl one night. It's the exta meal at bedtime again that has reared it's ugly head. I'm just eating dinner too early. I need to get back to eating a large apple in the car on the way home from work to delay dinner.

Side Note: The Yakisoba noodle bowl from Costco, heated in the microwave, then tossed into a pan on the stove with a huge amount of fresh diced baby spinach, a small amount of water, and a dash each of Tamari and Chili sesame oil and then stirred until the spinach has wilted - OMG, so decadently delicious, low in sugar but unfortunately high in sodium, and low in fat. Plus the greens. Superb fast food.

But I am having a hard time seeing the view from the treadmill of work, groceries and chores. And complaining about it just seems to increase the load I am already carrying around in the form of depression. Hence not writing about it until now.

Unfortunately knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. But I am doing the things I know will lead to a break in mood; adding in greens, trying to avoid sugar, and taking my meds. and supplements. Going through the motions and not letting myself get bogged down.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 22/28

I am insane. I had a brownie at lunch and a small bowl of ice cream for dessert. This week has gone downhill fast and today I just flat out gave up.

I will try again tomorrow. Oh, and A says I look pretty like Cinderella at the ball. God I love that child.

I will not try again tomorrow. I will just say no to sugar. Period.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 21/28

I had 'fast food' for lunch today; a prepackaged salad with pecans and blue cheese, plus a glass container of vegetarian 'refried' beans. I know there is too much sodium, but this is probably better than the alternative when I haven't prepared anything on the weekend for my work lunches, and the sugar is low even though I am using a packaged dressing.

Another busy 9 hour day, dinner healthy but too early, and subsequent ice cream for dessert. I forgot there are three other quart containers in the fridge.

Reading with A, some core work as she used me for a jungle gym, then couch time with Mike and Molly.

Night tea is Cardamom and Curry - light and lovely and soothing with a hint of spice.  Different and good.

Still tired, but got the dishes done and didn't have to lay down after work; I believe things really are getting better a bit at a time. Going to bed hopeful.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 20/28

Nothing of note to write; typical busy Monday, short one in the office, made it home to eat leftover veggies from yesterday's stew along with a small cheese sandwich. I did finish the Sweet Cream ice cream, but at least it is now gone.

I may be less tired, at least my eyes are not sleepy today; they were busy watering from the pollen being blown about up by work, but manageable.

Dishes are caught up, and I'm ready to call it a day. But first the second half of the season finale from last night.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 19/28

Snuggling with A this morning, and sharing a 'fancy' Mother's Day breakfast with the family was perfect. I didn't count the grams of sugar in the pecan pancake mix, or the bacon, or the scant servings of maple syrup and lemon glaze that I had on my pancakes. I didn't add sugar to my morning decaf, and I don't anticipate any further sugary items on the day's agenda.

J and I have spoken about this at work, how celebrating with food is so ingrained in us, my point of view being that for millions of years the acquiring, preparing and sharing of food has been about community. Who am I to buck the natural order of things. I can control portions and drink extra water but I am always going to participate in holiday  meals.

For her Mother's day I made dinner for the Fam, stew, and brought home Wild for us to watch. A was plugged in to the newly discovered Sabrina, Teenage Witch and M was out walking with his Ingress app while we watched - good thing, I hadn't realized it was going to be so graphic.  I guess someday I should tell R about my days between leaving home and marrying her father; that could have been a book worthy of a movie. I would imagine most of us have stories that are.

Telestrations is the game A and I picked up today; I am so glad we play games together.

I had two thin Meyer's Lemon crisps this afternoon but no other sugar; pretty good for a regular day let alone a holiday. Of course, it's not time for dessert yet, and early to brag. I've had a slight headache on and off for two days; drinking water helps so hopefully this is just a transitional thing adding a new pill to the regime.

The stew turned out nicely, but it's been a long time since I handled 'meat' and won't be doing so again anytime soon. During softball season I tried to cook more so they could spend their time with A, but the season is over and I am done; I just can't handle the meat anymore.

A small bowl of ice cream to the tune of 16g of sugar and now I am really done. And maybe going to bed early, and maybe watching the season finale of Once Upon A Time. Maybe.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 18/28

No sugar in my coffee this glum Saturday morning. Gimme Lean pattie on a Nature's Own hamburger bun (2g sugar) for breakfast while catching up on recorded programs, and now the first load of laundry is in and I have turned down an offer for something (sweet or savory) from a local bakery. I can do this. I want to do this. I want to get some weight off of my feet and hips, they are struggling under the behemoth that is currently me. I want to fit into my summer tops that are currently a size too small. I want to have energy for A when she wants to play or make something or take a bike ride. I want, I want, I want - why can't my message penetrate through to the dark side of my brain? Just thinking about the struggle is exhausting; I don't think I can do this much longer.
Movies and popcorn this afternoon, and a small ramekin of ice cream for dessert. I finally realized that tomorrow is Mother's Day. I mean, I've known it for days, but hadn't let myself think of it in any other context than that I will help A make pecan pancakes for her mother. I didn't send anything to my Mom, didn't pick up a card for R, didn't let myself think about Joey. No wonder I've been a mess. Big Sigh. It's just another day, but I know already that I will see an improvement in my deportment come Monday. And I will enjoy the day with R tomorrow. I will not be bitter or sad all day, maybe just for a moment, and I will be thankful as always for the family I have, and the family I carry in my heart.

Sugar Detox - Day 17/28

I have decided that while tempted to change the label of these sugar detox posts to 'the trials and tribulations of sugar' this will remain tagged under Sugar Detox since the struggles of trying to do it are just as valid as those who first succeed. I am apparently having an inner rebellion, whether blood or brain or psyche I cannot determine. Buying cookies on the way home from work yesterday was an eye opener; I haven't done that in ... well, a really long time? But it was an eye opener and being such I was able to keep away from the left over cheesecake that is in the fridge here at work when heating up a drink this morning.

I have a chopped salad also in the fridge that will be my lunch today, and there are left over roasted veggies at home ready for a quick healthy dinner. So, planning to succeed today and aware that I am experiencing unhealthy urges.

I also have high hopes, I took my first Thyroid pill this morning and while I know it may be weeks before I feel a difference I am using psycho-cybernetics to hurry my response along. Come one synthetic wonder pill - do your business!

Back to work.
ARgh! Again with not posting. Why am i struggling so much this past week? My guess would be not having to record my failures, as I again had ice cream for dessert last night. And there is still so much in the freezer. I have to figure out a way to say no. I need to plan ahead so that I am no so tempted.

Dear Universe, please help me regain my balance by showing me true north. Please let me make decisions that improve my health. Please just let me get through today, and then listen when I ask the same thing for the next day. Please.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 16/28

I have just posted for yesterday, after signing on and seeing that I had skipped the day. Why was I signing on? To confess of course. D made a dense delectable cheese cake for a birthday here at the office and yes I had a piece. Topped with rum soaked raspberries and chopped nuts. I did go in to the kitchen intending to make my salad, but there is was in all it's creamy glory surrounded by toppings and calling my name. Now I am almost dizzy from my indulgence and wishing I had eaten only a bite instead of a piece. There is no teaching this old dog new tricks apparently.

But I will eat my salad later and make better choices for the rest of the day; that is my promise to myself this rainy Thursday afternoon. Rain? What? Good Lord.


Here we go again, this is Thursday's post.  I remember laying in bed last night wondering if I had updated and posted, but was too lazy to get up and check. And of course I hadn't.

The night did not go well. I left work early taking comp time from the day before and stopped at Trader Joe's for dinner supplies; I knew R was expecting to be late and thought it would be nice to have dinner ready for the Fam. Impulse buy of the day? Meyer lemon crisps - cookies - of which I ate half a sleeve on the way home. Once there I heated up a Mac N Cheese for lunch\dinner, put the lasagna in the over for later, and took a nap.

R brought ice cream home from the photo shoot and I had a small bowl of Clover Pistachio, a newly released product that was delicious.

A game of monopoly with the girls, an episode of NCIS, and then I was out for the count.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 15/28

Posting late, really late, like the next day at lunch late. The day got away from me and I never made it to the keyboard once I got home yesterday. Working overtime and leaving work hungry I stopped for a fast food burger on the way home and thinking 'no caffeine' I ordered a root beer too. I did have a little bit on the way home, but threw most of it down the sink once I got there.

And then of course I was hungry at bedtime after eating dinner so early and grabbed a yogurt on my way to bed. More sugar. We don't normally keep yogurt in the house but I had picked up some Noosa for A as a treat and of course ended up eating some of it myself. So darn delicious.

So not an excellent start to the next two weeks, which continues into day 16 I am sad to report. It was all mindless because I was tired, and that's okay, it happens sometimes. Maybe I should relabel these from Sugar Detox to something more accurate like, Sugar Battles. Or keep score like, Vail-1, Sugar-2!

It will get better.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 14/14

I was browsing back to this time seven years ago and reading my entries looking at another life, another version of myself. Kaylee was still a puppy, I was riding my bike five miles or more a day, shooting my bow every day training for the senior games and weighing in the 180's. God I miss that girl. BUT, I was looking for work, close to losing the house, my retirement used up, and in a dysfunctional relationship. (It's hard to fall out of like before you fall out of love - assuming that part happens.) So where would I rather be, here or there?  I would rather be here, being able to do the things I did then. Which is possible. I have to believe that. My bow is gathering dust in the garage, my bike less so as the kids sometimes borrow it, and I am struggling to convince myself everyday that I am a cow. Wait - that is fifty first dates - I am struggling to convince myself everyday that I am worthy, that I can whittle myself down until I meet my inner athletic body, that I care.

I suppose that as long as there are more good days than bad I will eventually get there. I can see it now - in the senior games at 70! I would be much happier if it would happen sooner, and so I try and try and try.

Have I mentioned my Thyroid? Signing on to Kaiser I discovered that after a 2nd blood workup the Dr. had prescribed me a pill, but somehow I did not receive the notification. My office mate says this is a magic pill, that her hubby lost forty pounds in just a few months. But he is young and works out and has a physical job to boot. But wouldn't it be nice if it were magic? If all this lethargy of the past six months or so had an explanation, and a solution. I guess I'll find out; the script should be here later this week. Please let me feel like myself again and not walking - or sitting - around in a cloud.

This is the end of my first fourteen days off sugar - at least mostly. I think I do feel a little better if I discount all the difficult days in between and think back to before day one. I'm not snacking at night like I was, not stopping for fast food on the way home from work (well, just a couple times) and spending  more time prepping food to eat at home. We did have dessert several times, so it wasn't truly a Sugar Detox, more of a leaning away from the demon. So yes, there is a difference in my behavior, and I am doing better. I plan to improve my choices over the next fourteen days even more, seeing that my urges have lessened, and craving control more than food. And not really control so much as the vanishing of the urges all together. I can prepare healthy food when not bowed down by thoughts of all things bad.

So I am counting my experiment a success, and will continue on tomorrow with day 15/28. Go Me.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 13/14

Yesterday was sad learning about my Uncle, and hearing from Mom that she misses me, and taking inventory of my life. Focusing on the bright bits, my daughter and her little family, a steady job with a window looking out on pines and geese honking their greetings to the spring, I counted my blessings and rested much of the day. In light of everything my sugar detox becomes insignificant and petty, and I berate myself for whining and struggling with something so mundane. The reality is my granddaughter wanting to snuggle, and play a game, and make a book. My daughter there to hug me when she sees I am sad. These moments are so precious and I hold on to them.

But I am what I am, and today it is clear that if I keep hating that I will never get better. I have always believed in karma, and energy cycles - that we are responsible for creating them, positive or negative - and I have to believe that I am capable of the former. I have to believe that the girl who looked at the world with Pollyanna eyes is still here and can be dominant. That the mistakes, real or imagined, only have the power I give to them. I have to stop feeding the beast, and instead begin nurturing all of the good and wonderful and beautiful that there is in life. It doesn't matter that it is small, it is mine and worthy of attention.

Do I still see sugar as a demon? Well, yes. I know from the erratic emotions and sleep patterns and ups and downs of the past couple of weeks that my sugar intake is related to how I feel and act and react to all that is around me. So, another day, and then another two weeks. But with the devastating feelings of yesterday I am filled with renewed purpose to be healthy.

Depression is like slowly sinking into quicksand, and you may not notice until all of a sudden there is a stick in front of your eyes and you realized that you had better reach out and hold on and allow yourself to be pulled free of the suction. It is not usually something you can do alone, you need someone or something at the other end of the stick.

May the force be with me.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

My Uncle, Guy Carawan

My Uncle Guy has passed away, passed on, died. I haven't seen him in years, but he was one of my heros growing up and has remained so my whole life. An important man who was never too busy to play his guitar for us kidlings, or pick away on his banjo and singing fun songs where we could join in and feel like we were a part of his special magic.  I may not have seen him in a while, but we have his books, albums, and an abiding respect for all that he did with his life for others. I can't hear 'civil rights' without thinking of him first, and wanting to brag about who he was and what he did in his life.  Guy Carawan

But life took me in a different direction, and my dreams of playing guitar and following in his footsteps never came even close to fruition. But my admiration and love for him never left my heart. I remember trips to Topanga Canyon and how beautiful it was there, and the skylight in the ceiling over their bed and thinking this is how I want to live when I grow up. Dreams, he filled my head with dreams, and growing up in LA where I was in the minority white class it probably made a difference to how I viewed my environment. I saw colours, and all the wonderful diversity that came with it. I was happy to grow up in a melting pot of humanity, and my school life was rich with exposure to other cultures and skin tones and languages. I know now that the attitude he embedded in me made a difference in my life, in how I saw people and respected how we each had something to contribute, that everyone had a story.

Death is no stranger to those who have lived for decades, it is a natural part of life, and the gateway to whatever lies next. But today was a sad day, relieved by bits of memory that made me smile and even feel young and good for a moment as I relived visits and thought about our families. He was well loved, accomplished much, and lived his life teaching though the medium of music; how blessed he was, and all that knew him.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 12/14

R made sausage this morning, and I had a slice of buttered toast with my piece (seeded honey wheat) and it was so delicious. I had been up for a while and already indulged in fresh decaf with coconut cream and a spoonful of raw whipped honey. I will not feel badly about these choices.

I will also not proclaim my good intentions for the day, the weekend, the month of May. Instead I will remain calm and steadfast, and go about the day as if it is the most normal of days, that I do not feel the weight of impending failure as I realize four months of the year are already gone and I have not made any progress towards losing weight or gaining health. I will follow my routine of Saturday chores, enjoy an afternoon of cheering on A at her softball game, and neither binge nor deprive myself of the day's offerings.

I will remain calm and steadfast so as not to fall.

I've always considered myself a 'salt' person; you know, given the choice between cookies or chips I would always choose the hypothetical chips. Since beginning this attempt at detoxing from sugar my brain would now choose the cookies. I will see this as my body rebelling, which means a change is occurring, and keep the attempt alive with another two weeks. Rome did not fall in a day, and I have not given up the battle.

Today's reading material - Disclaimer, no I do not agree with everything here, and take everything with a grain of salt...mmm...sugar. (I will eat fruit and I will not use artificial sweeteners.)

The baseball game was interesting; the child I watched play was not my usual feisty spirit, but lackadaisical and unenthusiastic, and it was disconcerting. Even the coaches noticed - in her defense it was a hot day, and there is only one game left. But still, who was that child?

Salad for lunch and a yakisoba noodle bowl from the freezer for dinner. I am not in the mood for dishes and it was too hot to cook. It's suppose to be almost 20 degrees cooler tomorrow - I'll make something then. But my hands are already swollen from the sodium in these last two meals, both prepared and storebought. With laziness comes a price, and my trigger finger is once again acting up. My Bad. Just home made food tomorrow please.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Sugar Detox - Day 11/14

Today the boss treated the office to Thai food for lunch. We brought it in and played telestrations in the conference room. Not knowing what was in the sauces I opted for sauteed veggies not realizing they would come with a large serving of white rice. When you haven't had that in a while it is so decadent; starchy and delicious. Telestrations is a fun game - telephone with illustrations - and we break it out once in a while to play at work. Which is also nice for spending 'non working' time with the office crew.

It's 90 out today, and walking into a cool house was nice after the drive home in traffic. And now it's time to rest for a bit before the flurry and chaos of when Miss A enters stage left. I am so grateful for her every single day, no matter how tired I am or grumpy she always brings love and a reason to put my best foot forward. I don't always succeed, but more often than not we have a good time together. Today we played a short version of telestrations and I can see I need to pick up the game to have here at home now that she is reading.

Dinner was fast food on the way home, as embarrassing as that is. And worse yet, when the kids went down to Cream for dessert I asked for them to bring me back something too. Half a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich. So good. So - full of sugar.

Part of change is HOW you do it, I have quoted this before, but I am not always able to find the gumption to care about being honest, open minded and willing. Does admitting I don't always care fall under the realm of honesty? This bothers me, but part of always being tired is that it is not only physical but mental as well. What a cop out. Where is my motivation. What happened to my enthusiasm and hopes for this sugar detox? And why can't I do it? I have to remember what I read - it isn't me, it's the addiction, and I just need to get through the beginning.  So I will do what I have always done and try not to feel insane in the process - start again tomorrow morning, bolster myself with reading, and infuse my body with nutrients as I clamber back up on the damn wagon.