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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Gingerbread et al

How can one be stuffed, and still feel the need to eat. Surely there is something seriously wrong here.

I didn't check the time when I left, but Kaylee and I made it out for a walk, after perusing the Montanaeque form of my figure in the mirror and trying to talk myself out of it. Who wants to see this? How can I go walkabout looking like this? The anticipatory shame almost overwhelmed my common sense, which thank heavens I was born with, but it failed to keep me from going through the motions. Walking socks, warm moccasins, gloves on my hands, then out the door with Kaylee on her leash. Many times she stopped and gave me the 'please can't we just go home' look, big sad eyes tinged with apprehension. On the course of our meanderings she was lunged at twice by big ferocious dogs, so I can't really get mad at her. I just tell her I'll protect her and gently urge her along. What torture it must be for her, on those short little dachshund legs, feeling the height of the world pressing down. But my quiet desperation prevailed and we took what was a long walk for her - over a mile and a half.

Yes it was painful at times, but the day was gorgeous and it was good to be outside for a change.

No giving up, no more mashed potatoes this year, and no more wallowing.

Walk, align, work, and eat plants - obviously the feel good particles from my walk are hard at work. Evidenced by my urge to type, Bazinga!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

'cause I'm already standing on the ground

I figured out today that part of the reason I have been feeling so down, is that I am feeling badly for both of us. It's not just a big self pity pool, but a pity pool in general and large enough for both of us to fit. Somehow that helped put things into perspective today, and after a really challenging day at 'work' I finally achieved some semblance of calm as I arrived home and was actually glad to be there. It felt so strange to feel 'normal' for a spell - no overwhelming despair, no demons of helplessness roosting on my shoulders - just a 'peaceful easy feeling' that let me feel as though, for that moment, I belonged in the world and everything was okay.

I hadn't quite realized how constant my state of stress has been. I knew I had been eating compulsively, and for the most part hiding from the world, but this time when the cloud lifted it felt different. Like underneath it all I had become different - sort of forged into something new.

Of course typing this I see that it's just a manic episode on the rise. Oh well. It was nice. This usually doesn't happen at the end of the day, I wonder if it will extend into my dreams  - and maybe they will be good ones.

But I'm adding the label 'Manic' - I may as well start tracking how often this upward swing happens. Just in case, say, a Dr. were to ask I could pull up my blog and search under Manic and TaDa - there would be a detailed record chronicling my craziness.

As I like to say, "I'm just sayin"!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Holiday Blues

I know our lives are the sum of the decisions we've made along the way. But I didn't intend to end up alone so much, and I'm not sure how this happened. It's always been hard to put myself out there - to be social and connected - so really it shouldn't surprise me that this is where I am right now.

It's just sad when I think of the big round Thanksgiving table that my grandparents would set up each year, and how we filled that table up, and how this year it's just me. I am the one who moved hundreds of miles away from my parents house and my siblings. I am the one who divorced my husband, then lost both him and our son. I am the one who said no when invited to go with my daughter and her extended family for the day. It was all me, and it just hurts tonight.

This is not how I intended things to turn out. And while I have many things to be grateful for, at the moment I can't seem to assign any significance to them. Really, it's just all too pathetic, or rather, I am. At least for now. For just a moment.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


There is something to be said for the Human Spirit, something about endurance in the face of all odds or the ability to bounce back despite the burdens our world can and does impose.

Lying in bed this morning I was listing the pains and torments of being overweight, how this last fast ten pounds I have gained has sent me spinning back into a past of aches and bloating and being so uncomfortable in my own skin I can barely function. After squirming around in bed trying to find a position without pain I finally lay still like a fish on a dock, all the fight gone out of me. In that moment I ceased to care, to struggle, and for a moment felt a deep and overwhelming despair that was quite morbid and peaceful. But being Human I found that in the very next moment I was reviewing the food I would eat this day to begin my obesity remedy yet again. I envisioned myself weighing out raw veggies and nuts and seeds and thinking about the green smoothie I would have for breakfast and the dressing I would make for my dinner salad. I planned a refrigerator cleaned out of all remaining veggies to make a lentil soup and a trip to the store for lettuce and walnuts.

I might just be over reacting to having pizza three times in two days, but can one really over react when it comes to eating for nutrition? I don't think so, the more nutrients at the party the merrier I say!

Starting the day with my old friends optimism and determination is nice. I wish I could find a way to make them stick around for a while. 

Monday, November 5, 2012


Why is there not a word as special to the morning as twilight is to the ending of the day? Predawn is an insult to the light and shadows, the muted colours, the crisp air; it is but an announcement of the forthcoming glory of the sunrise - which I in no way wish to diminish - instead of being an ode to the wonderfulness of the morning just before sunrise. In fact evening also has dusk - what's up with that?

I'm just saying. We need a new morning word or two.

It was so quiet as we trekked down to the pond and back not even a duck quacked - THEY have nothing to do with daylight savings, wafting quietly upon the dark water. Upon reaching home the honk of a single goose finally broke the day open and the small twitterings of the birds soon followed.

I am grateful for the pockets of wildlife I encounter when I am out and about. Grateful for my little dog to venture forth with me. Grateful that I was able to take a walk this morning.

My 'extra' hour was well  spent.