BLE: Daily Weighing - reviewing the January experiment

The last day of January is finally here, and it was with genuine relief that I carried the scale out to the garage; may we both enjoy the reprieve from me stepping on it each morning. 

I was dismayed to see a gain this morning, but it wasn't unexpected as I ate last night. During my master mind group meeting I did a quick review from my paper journal and here are the figures.

From the first day on Bright Line Eating - Down 29.6 lbs, so maintaining my  original loss

From the first day of weighing daily - Down 2.4 lbs 

From my lowest numbers since starting BLE - Up 1 lb

So just a bunch of numbers that really don't mean anything except that weighing daily did not act as a stick or a carrot when it came to losing weight. What it did do was make me think about how I felt each morning; dreading a 'bad' number, hopeful for a 'good' number, and reacting in some fashion, mental or physical, to whatever I saw. I just feel that in all ways it was a revisit to diet mentality, and really pretty damaging. For me. This is all about finding out what works for me.

"Focus on your weight, and you'll lose your Bright lines, focus on your Bright Lines, and you'll lose the weight."  I know this, have felt this to be a truism, but guess I just needed to commit to something and see myself follow through. Now I know for sure that for me, stepping on the scale each morning is not a healthy choice.  It's really just a pain in the ass; thinking about wearing the same pajamas each morning, or disrobing to weigh naked in the biting cold of winter; trying to figure out if what I ate the day before was too salty, or if I had had enough water to drink; trying to analyze what I ate in terms of caloric intake, or if I ate too much unhealthy fat, or if I had weighed my salad dressing. Thinking of the food chatter this daily act added to each day I have a hard time imagining that I ever thought it was a good idea to do this. I have, after all, decades of experience that already supports my findings of this past month.

But it was mostly all about perspective, and analyzing this through the lens of BLE. Just maybe, I thought, knowing I am a food addict, and having an eating plan, will change my relationship with the scale. But no, I think there is too much water under the bridge for that to happen, and I am looking forward to not thinking about a number in February.  That being said, I know myself well enough to imagine it will be many times during the next 28 days that my mind wanders into the no man's land of I wondering about it, what the number might be, and maybe even be tempted to bring the scale in from the garage. But I am committing to not weighing until March 1st, and instead I will be focusing on keeping my lines bright, so that's not going to happen.

I think the intermittent fasting is going well, and that having Bright Lines to keep during my 8 hour eating window will make all the difference from my last attempt when I totally overate during the hours when I was not fasting.

So February:  

1. Intermittent Fasting (eating only 8am to 4pm)
2. Focusing on Bright Lines
3. Limiting Dairy & Meat

Number three is for healing, to support the intention behind the fasting. I mean, if my goal is pain relief, why am I eating foods that are known to be carcinogenic and inflammatory? So I didn't buy any meat at the grocery store this morning, instead picking up a couple of bags of dried beans. I have sun dried tomatoes, peppers, spinach etc. to make some flavourful batches of plant protein to have on hand in the fridge, and I picked up lots of salad fixings. 

G from my MMG reminded me this morning how wonderful the detox from animal protein feels, and I do remember from following Dr. Fuhrman years ago that about three days in I felt the change; the added energy, the cleansing of body and spirit. And I must say that I am looking forward to all of that.

This is easily said after a large salad for lunch that incorporated left over meatballs. I have one more serving of those, as well as one more serving of breakfast sausage, but I will pack those both up in freezer bags today to store for another time, or not, we will see.

I had a busy start for a Sunday; grocery shopping, meeting with my MMG, taking a walk with the family, preparing a Bright Line Lunch, and finally this journal entry. Time to rest a bit before doing some cooking, and organizing the fridge for the coming week.

It feels good to have an action plan based on experience and science, and not just on good intentions - which I have noted before on numerous occasions just leads to Hell. It feels good to know I have support and resources, and that I am not crazy, and not alone. I am connected to the world - entangled as they would say in what I believe is quantum physics, or mechanics, or whatever; it's definitely above my pay grade - but I will lean into that connection, and I will thrive.

How wonderful the scent of fresh Hyacinth in my room. I revel in it, in this moment, and in feeling the energy that connects me to everything else through this amazing smell. And this moment truly is enough. I am enough.

BLF: Three Bright Nights

This morning I did crawl back into bed, and with the magic we all take for granted, summoned a movie on Netflix. A beautiful but dismal movie with Ralph Fiennes, The Dig, that suited my quiet, inquisitive, nature. At eight I was up to make breakfast, but there was a little man sitting at the table  ahead of me while his parents bustled about in the kitchen making him pancakes. As chance would have it, we were both wearing our Christmas pajamas, and after we both spent a minute admiring them I was invited to sit.  A quick trip to the kitchen, and we ate a quiet breakfast together. Sort of. The ever present iPad was entertaining him as he ate, while I enjoyed just being there.  Really being there. The crunch of my buttered toast, the juicy flavourful sausages, and the bite of the blood orange that graced my plate. Enjoying such a rich and delicious breakfast, I was able to admire C's pancake without envy. 

The sky is a field of grey, plowed into rivulets that let through the silver light from the sun, so bright that I cannot do more than glance out my window in admiration before turning back to my screen.

I am grateful this morning for three Bright nights in a row. Thankful that I was able to continue my nightly conversations that are keeping me in bed and out of the kitchen. And hopeful that this new habit will see me on my way down the path of Bright Line Eating that has been stalled for the past year. Focusing on small daily habits is helping, embracing the idea that there really is only now, and spending time each day finding articles that help focus my inner-directives are all activities that are playing a part in this new attitude and work.

Because it is work, in it's own quiet way. Not a parade of grand intentions, but instead a gentle going forth armed with creative tools that have been formed by so many others who have traveled this road before me. Some of them before I was born, but only now coming to my attention in a way meaningful to my own personal journey. What is it they say, when you are ready to learn, a teacher will appear? Something like that. 

A small spark of joy ignites within me that after years of struggle, maybe I am finally ready. 

What a wonderful thought.

Today's Food:

b)  buttered toast, sausages, blood orange

l)  meatballs I made yesterday, 'spaghetti' sauce I also made, apple

d)  chopped salad w\ red kale, cauliflower, carrots & onions, chick peas, & bleu cheese

BLF: Another Bright Night and a Good Morning

It's been a while since I actually got up in the morning upon waking instead of climbing back into bed after visiting the loo. Maybe I am excited about having another Bright night, maybe my energy level is up, or my depression level is down. But for whatever reason I am up, my bed is made, and I am contemplating a shower.  It's just one day, and I will try not to over analyze it. Even as I type the chill of the room is compelling me to move; to either dress or get in the shower.

Last night was another parts conversation with my three protectors, but even after that I ended up in the kitchen for a moment of contemplation. The thought that drove me back to bed? That it was just too much of a bother to figure out what to eat, and then telling my body to head back to the bedroom. So not a magic trick, just being aware enough to be using all the tools at my disposal.

I'm looking forward to rice & beans at 8am, and a fruit salad of kiwi, banana,  orange and blueberries. Eating my food in an 8 hour window is working fine. I do get a little hungry in the mornings, but it's just a feeling and not stressful at all. In the evenings I am back at my little desk, sipping a night time herbal tea, and working here at my computer for hours instead of out in the living room and tempted by snacking. So I'm  distracted and isolated from the kitchen until bedtime. A little more belly grumbling as I ready myself to sleep for the night, but I just reassure myself this is a sign of progress. It evokes s a memory of when I first started Bright Line Eating a year ago this past October, when I would come in and lie down to watch tv before bed, and actually enjoy the feeling of hunger as I knew it meant I was losing weight.

Speaking of weight, I was up point 4 on the scale this morning, and I am really looking forward to this month of daily weighing to be over. I would rather just enjoy the feeling of being a little lighter this morning instead of trying to analyze what that means in light of the scale insisting that I am heavier. Fluctuating is normal for me, and I'm hoping that come February I will put the scale in the garage for awhile. Maybe a month, maybe forever, depending on how next month goes without this unwelcome stick hanging over my head. I want to follow the plan, trust in the Bright Lines, stick to the intermittent fasting, and see what happens.

And that's a good sign, the curiosity, a very good sign. Because for those who don't know, being curious comes from our authentic selves, and to me indicates mental health, which is a great sight better than the crazy land I so often inhabit when it comes to my weight.

So I end the week grateful for this morning's energy,  and even more grateful for the peace of mind I am enjoying. Not to say there isn't a little food chatter still going on, but the calm of watching myself follow a plan and giving it a chance to work. As they like to say in BLE, "You've Got This!"

And this morning I really believe that I do.

BLF: parts work and intermittent fasting

It has rained more in the past day than it has in months, at least that is how it feels and sounds. Twice C and I have jogged out to the garage; once for chocolate covered pretzels,  and just now for peanuts. We had been drawing in the dining room, when I noticed movement on the table just outside the window. A plump brown squirrel with red highlights was daintily eating one of my succulent plants. If there were no window I could have almost reached out and touched him. Or her. Who knows. Hence the trip for peanuts to put in the feeder, an attempt to save the potted plant. 

I worry that our peanuts have increased the squirrel population, but we do enjoy seeing them run around; it makes it easier to pretend we are in the forest.

I had a Bright Night last night. I lay in bed a couple of different times feeling my belly grumble, but both times I had the presence of mind to call an internal parts meeting. "You want to eat, I don't. Discuss" Sort of like not letting the kids drive the car, I led the meeting and laid out my defense in a clear, calm, and reasonable way. "If we want to take advantage of intermittent fasting and see if it will heal our pain, we shouldn't eat until 8am". Nothing from the prosecution. "If we don't at least try, we'll never know if this works." Again, no response. And finally, "I promise this feeling will go away if we just breathe slowly and give it a few minutes - maybe 20 at the most."

The meeting sort of dissipated rather than being adjourned, but as the parts disappeared so did the chatter and the impulse to get out of bed.  While I did watch tv before finally settling down to try and sleep, I stayed in bed without any fuss and did get some rest.

Today I may be a little less tired than I have been the past several months, even planning on a walk in the rain with C if he is up to it. So far he is not, and has put up his own defense for staying in his pajamas all day. I'm not one to argue too much on that point, especially with it being so wet and chilly outside.

I've been back and forth a dozen times trying to finish this up, between my little desk and the kitchen where I am attempting to present something he finds edible. C's most recent request is spaghetti, and I am just waiting for the noodles to cool off before placing the bowl in front of him. I can hear the scissors slicing away as he destroys our latest drawing while he waits, probably having already forgotten the food. 

I am looking forward to another Bright Night as I always do after I've had one. Please let this be the night I break my chain, and get some relief.

201.4

I feel like I scored a field goal last night; I wasn't Bright thanks to a miniature box of yogurt covered raisins, but I did see a new low number on the scale this morning. So not a touch down, but not a fail.  The important part is that I am trying. I think my midnight snack was more a token to my rebel, saying, "Look, you're right, no one is going to tell us we can't eat, but really, we don't need to be a pig." Peace negotiations.

I think the intermittent fasting is going well, I'm actually enjoying the little grumble in my belly as I wait to break my fast at 8am instead of eating first thing in the morning. I've made my bed, had a shower, and I'm dressed and ready for the day. I'm also listening to a little craziness on CNN. I guess it was unrealistic that with Trump out of office the fanatical section of his supporters would just fade away.  But listening to what some of them believe is insane. Oh, and then there are the rioters who are now using him as their excuse.  And half the country not wanting a Covid vaccine? Really? I need to turn the channel.

Or better yet, turn off the boob tube. Done.

Today's Food:

b)  rice & beans, cheese & salsa, kiwi

l)  deviled eggs, raw veggies, apple

d)  roasted pork & veggies, maybe a green salad

Mood: tolerable, and even a little optimistic

I'm looking forward to another Bright Day; it makes me feel good to know I am eating plenty of food, but not too much, and that staying on plan will get me where I want to go. "It's practicing the daily habits that give us peace and satisfaction, not reaching the goal." Or something like that.

It's already warmer than yesterday by 20 degrees, but I think that just means the clouds are thick and it will soon rain. I am hoping we make it out for a walk; yesterday we played 'tag,  you're it' in the driveway and C ended up turning his ankle again. I am worried about it, it's happening too often, but it's so important for him to play when he has the energy. What to do, what to do. Well for sure, not running around the eucalyptus tree again!

Time to put the kettle on,  and set some tea to brewing. Maybe something green this morning since I will be driving in to work at the office this evening.

BLF: Internal and External politics

I have just watched President Biden sign legislation to continue the work against racism in our country, and Senators being sworn in to abide by the constitution during the 2nd impeachment trial of former president Trump. How clearly the juxtaposition of the actions of these two men show their characters. I am so grateful that most Americans made what to me was clearly the right choice. And my love & light go out to our new president to support him in his efforts to address the concerns and fears of those who didn't choose him as a path forward. Truly, so many of us just want 'liberty and justice for all'. For All.

C is snuggled up on my bed watching Super Wings as I sit to type, and with all that is going on in the world what am I thinking of? Of a number, a stupid number. Because 202 seems to be where I stop, and today my focus is breaking through that barrier. I remember hovering around 200 before at different times in my life as I struggled with my weight and the loss thereof. So it's not an unexpected plateau, and I think that is part of the problem, this mental barrier that someone other than my own true self has set in place. And not just set, but firmly anchored with false expectations of what will happen if I cross over, break through, and manage to defeat this obstacle that is clearly only in my mind.

My focus today is on integration, bringing together the three protectors who have come forward in my IFS sessions and try to address their concerns with all the love and compassion I can muster. I am a middle child, Piscean woman who has depths of compassion for everyone else, and today I am dipping deep to find some for myself, so I can move forward. So I can have a second Bright night in a row, and keep working my way through the miasma of emotions that this dumb little number represents. That may be the wrong word, because I certainly don't feel that this number represents me, who I am, and what kind of person I think I am. Well, maybe it does represent the part of myself that I am trying to heal, I will give it that much.

How do I do that, what is my battle plan to ensure victory? To do the work, and visualizing each of the three, sitting around a table together with my own true self, and having a nice chat together, is certainly a good start. A glaring issue immediately pops up, and I realize that while I know exactly what they look like, I have no avatar for my own true self. So maybe that is the first step, to build a vision of how I see myself so I can take a place at the table. Nothing comes to mind, and as C is now on his way to an afternoon nap, I know what it is I need to do next. Meditate, and see what I can create.

It feels like a peace summit is looming, and I want to show up prepared to show these protectors what unity can mean for all of us going forward.

Sort of like running a small country, isn't it?

A quick check in

Yesterday was a lazy Sunday for the most part, and the details evade recollection so I imagine nothing of consequence occurred.  It's still cold, and I just want to scribble a few lines and then get ready for bed so I can start getting warm. I have decided that next Autumn I am going to rearrange my room so that my feet are not under the window come Winter. That or invest in some heated slippers.

Today began with C at my door asking, "Grama, can you go to the store and get me some peanut butter crackers?" I couldn't refuse, and since I was going I also picked up a roast for dinner and some logs for the fireplace. Dinner was nice, and there are lots of left overs to pack up some meals - a task for tomorrow.

I feel the need to add that I did not buy anything off plan at the store, because my thoughts have been a little erratic of late. I'm guessing fallout from parts work as that would fit the pattern. So I'm just hanging tight while things settle back down inside. But really, it would be nice if I didn't know there was left over pumpkin pie out in the garage.

We had a quiet day of chutes and ladders, hide n seek, and watching tv. Sometimes C just doesn't want to go out for a walk and I have to respect his energy level. Hopefully tomorrow he will be back in adventure mode and we'll head out for a walk once the morning chill has let up a bit.

God, I am rambling. Let's see, what else.  

Hmmmm, I got nothin'. 

Hot tea and bed it is then!

Tomorrow's Food:

b:  rice & beans, cheese & salsa, banana

l:  garbanzo beans, celery & onion, grapes & apples

d:  pork roast, veggies, green salad

BLF: Damn parts work

Yesterday You Tube took me down a fasting rabbit hole, maybe sensing my interest and loading ted talks about healing, and mental clarity.  The TrueNorth Health Center is only an hour and a half from here, and if we weren't so tight on personnel at work I think I would just go and do a week's water fast. Hopefully I'll be able to do this come Summer, and will just have to tuck this plan away for now. In the meantime I'm going to add an hour to my fasting window so that I'm at 8 and 16, eating only between 8am and 4pm. Maybe if I am focusing on healing instead of bright lines in the middle of the night it will help bring perspective and motivation to my 2am eating syndrome.

Speaking of which, I did some visualization exercises yesterday. Initially I was seeing my tough chick shattered, like she was made of glass and I was breaking her apart in frustration and anger. As soon as I saw that I immediately put her back together and invited her to sit with me and chat; I've got to let these negative emotions go if I am going to have any chance of growth from meeting her. Deep Breath, then back to slow and calm breathing through the nose.

I have met three protectors now. The 'librarian' who sits with her glasses and long grey hair piled up in a bun on her head; she takes care of me because I haven't. The 'little girl' who was betrayed, and sticks up for me because I didn't. And now this 'tough chick', who feeds me because I starved her.  I know these all come from traumatic events in my life, and that they are coping mechanisms that served a very real and significant purpose. And getting to know them, and integrate with them, is vital to my well being. But those were times I was unaware that I was fighting for my life, and it makes me afraid to face the time when I felt myself break, and knew a profound grief that almost destroyed me. And more damn tears threaten to break free, but it's Sunday morning, and this is not the face I want to present to my family. So I suck it up. 

Maybe I should close the door and weep, but there is a fear that if I start I won't stop for a long time. My throat burns with the need of it, and still I resist. The idea forms to just start the work, and visualize the woman I was when my son died.  So I will. I'll listen to myself and work on building that character, that part of me, so we can start doing the work. And with that thought the tears finally come, and I need to go lock my door.

BLF: The Tough Chick

This morning it was my turn to engage in an IFS session with my master mind group. As we chatted I knew I wanted to focus on the strength of my part that is so intent on eating at night. And because of my split brain focus over the past couple of weeks, I already had a vision of this part, and now I have a name for her. She's my Tough Chick. She looks like me in my early twenties; tight black jeans, too much jewelry, keys clipped in belt loop, boots, shaggy hair.  The only thing missing was eyeliner, but that has never been me.

During the session it comes out that she needs to make sure we eat because I've been starving myself. And at that point in my life (late 70s) it was true. We would go for weeks where we ate and sleep only rarely. We spent lots of time on a Sportster, staying up nights doing more nothing than I can even begin to contemplate, and I realize that this is where another split in my personalities originated. Coming from being an athlete, and athletic, and proud of my strength, I had become a sort of almost biker chick. We never joined a club, but we were around them a lot because of a friend's 'business' and the deadly white powder he supplied to them. I was just the innocent girlfriend on the back of a bike, going along for the ride. Looking back now I can see I was lost, and trying to fit in anywhere I could.

After the session K pointed out that this tough chick may have saved my life, and I had to agree, because I have often been asked, "how did you just stop using?" And I never had a good answer. I now remember standing in the yard behind the little house we were renting, surrounded by apple trees, and knowing that I needed to change my life. We had just seen photos of ourselves at a friend's wedding, and we looked like death warmed over. I knew that girl in the picture wasn't me, absolutely couldn't be me. And I told my partner, my future husband and father of my children, that we had to stop. And we did. Or rather, I did and he pretended to. A month later we discovered I was pregnant, and another four months found us married.

So all this time, for forty five years give or take a few, this tough chick has been carrying the burden of saving me from myself. Emerging at a time I was starving myself with drugs, she was trying to save my inner athlete, my own true self that loved sports, and being active, and connecting with nature. This goes a long way towards explaining the urge to eat at night if she is still under the impression that she needs to save me.

My work for the upcoming week is clear. Get to know this part, show her how well I am eating and working to get back to a right sized body. Show her my dreams of shooting my bow again, and hiking in national forests;  show her I am taking care of myself so she can let down the burden she has carried for so long. 

I think this all came together this morning because of the work I've done over the past couple of weeks on researching the Split Brain,  on trying to understand the point of Inner Work, and having a friend facilitate the parts work to bring it all together in a way I can understand. Then a witness to the parts work clarifying what she heard and naming my tough chick, and advancing the idea that she may have saved my life. 

I broke down and let myself cry, feeling the truth of it all, and allowing myself to be so grateful to this part of me that was strong enough to see what was wrong and decide on a better life. Now she needs to see how strong I've become, and help me in my efforts to heal. I think as we work to become a team, and she learns to trust my actions in self care, we will be able to overcome this obstacle to my weight loss.

I am so grateful for this master mind group, and the support that is changing my life.

Inner Work: more reflections

Bright Line Eating food: Today's batch of veggies to cook was cabbage and onions. Mixed together with my turkey sloppy joe mix from last week I should get about four meals out of it. I have some frozen spicy black bean burgers, and some squash to cook for another couple of meals, so I'm good on food for a few days. Oh, and today I'll pack up some breakfast bowls of brown rice, cheese, and refried beans with salsa. Which makes Sunday morning  my shopping day this week.

It's been raining today, and the clouds are thick, and grey, and soft, blocking out any peek of a blue sky. C is sleeping, and I have a feeling we are going to miss our walk today. But that's okay, we did dancing this morning to musical numbers from The Magicians, and he loves to play 'tag,  you're it' in the house. 

I'm still having trouble sleeping, waking about 3:30 and then dozing off after 6 for an hour or so. It leaves me groggy and unmotivated during the day, and I'm thinking about getting a sleep aid to see if that will help or just make it worse as it has done in the past.

Watching the breeze outside my window flip the long green branches of the redwood trees around reminds me that I am cold, and need a sweater on over my thermal. California weather, ha!

Inner Work: Regulating how your body responds to the world; any process that helps bring focus and\or awareness to our experience.  So daydreaming out the window, thinking only about what I am seeing and how my body feels is a good thing. It brings my attention to the present, and connects me to the world. I've been doing 'Inner work' my whole life and didn't even know ;)  Every time I just let myself be in the beauty of a sunrise or sunset, every walk I take and choose to walk on grass or dirt instead of cement and feel how my muscles work better that way, each breeze across my face that makes me grateful - all of these are ways I connect without trying to the world around me. 

And my habit of 'sending love & light' when a friend has a challenge, or when C is having treatment or there is a prayer chain brought to my attention. All of these are ways to send healing energy out into the flow of molecules that we see as our universe. 

It's good to think of these things that come naturally to me, life long habits that probably contribute to my pacific nature, and realize that I am not as unlearned in the ways of 'Inner work' as I had imagined.

Go Me.

Connection

The sun is out, but our brief sojourn into warmth is over and the air is once again crisp and biting as it should be in January. Well, maybe not for California, but nothing is normal anymore when it comes to the weather and this winter has been cold. I'm so happy that climate change is at the top of Biden's honey do list.

I was out of rice this morning, so I ended up using brown rice cereal with my refried beans, cheese, and salsa and it was a nice warm bowl of deliciousness for breakfast. Lunch is weighed out and waiting on the counter for me as I am especially hungry; probably the brown rice cereal is too processed to have staying power. Dinner will be ground turkey with lots of cabbage and onions - I'm thinking of skipping the dinner salad as it's so cold today.

I'll put a batch of rice in to cook once I'm done checking in here.

Then I'm off to the dentist this afternoon for a much overdue cleaning - like 15 years overdue? My Bad. I guess low level depression topped with grief was not conducive to much self care. And let's not forget the sugar & flour fog I've been walking around in my whole life, perhaps another factor. In any case, while I dislike going to the dentist I am looking forward to the feeling of a clean mouth and shiny teeth. Maybe I should just plan on soup for dinner....

So far so Bright, but days usually are. I have lots of notes to review from a webinar I listened to yesterday about what 'Inner Work' is. Again dovetailing with BLE and parts work in a way that is re-enforcing my commitment to keep doing the work towards healing. The topics were Awareness, Surrender, Forgiveness, and Connection.  Same message, using some different terminology, that to connect with our life we need to " be in the present."  That thing I have been avoiding for longer than I can remember.

And on cue, C comes to ask me to go out for a walk. My connection to the present.

More Light than Dark

We have a new President! Glued to the TV all morning, and watching the pomp and circumstance of installing our new leaders, was so uplifting. It was perfect, from Lady Gaga's rendition of our national anthem to the youth poet laureate who encapsulated our times and challenges and dreams so beautifully. I cried, I rejoiced, and I felt a million pounds lift off of my shoulders. Weight I was aware of, but had become so accustomed to carrying around I had forgotten how it was weighing me down.  Maybe it was contributing to my apparent ongoing depression, maybe now I can shrug off that debilitating mantle of despair and start connecting to my life again.

Because the world feels different. Listening to a man speak truth to power instead of watching a coward try to manipulate with lies was joyful. Encouraging. Uplifting. My god, what we have put up with for four long years is crazy now to reflect back on. So I won't. Instead I look forward to watching our government put America back on the world stage; to contribute to and to learn from our comrades around the world. To scrub away the tarnish of ignorance and let democracy shine in the world again. Big Sigh. Enough.

C and I went on a great walk today; running from tigers, leaving our foot prints in sand hills, and practicing watching for moving cars. He really keeps me in 'the now', and for that I am grateful every day.  Despite his treatment having been just yesterday, he's having a pretty good day today, and for that I am grateful too.

It's been a Bright day all around so far, and I'm looking forward to a Bright night. The pattern seems to be one off and one on, which is far better than eating every night! And each day I do inner work; listening to webinars, vlogs, and Ted talks for inspiration I take notes and figure out how everything relates to me. 

Because I am not content to just give up. No matter how dark that little seed at the core of me, there is much light to counter that old, sad narrative of failure. I will overcome this, I will heal, I will continue to be unstoppable.

The Dark and The Light of Me

As I lay awake last night, I made several attempts, over and over for half the night it seemed, to quiet the voice that wanted to eat. I tossed and I turned and I searched in vain for a comfortable position. I took deep breaths, and settled in the warmth of  my bed again and again as I waited for the urge to leave. I quoted back to myself the mantras of a food addict, and reminded myself of little science facts to overcome the building compulsion to get out of bed and stuff something in my face.

Eventually I lost, and sat in bed eating Triscuits. No sugar, no flour, but eating none the less. Shameful, I think. And immediately I take a breath, and remember to be kind. To be compassionate to myself. And while it has become easier all the time to forgive myself, at the same time there is a deeper, subtle frustration building that this is taking so long. This healing, this journey, this everything.

I'm right back in the car listening to the man on the radio explaining that he had wasted his life trying to analyze it. And I am that man. Most of the time I know it doesn't really matter how I spend my time, and I think that particular feeling is at the core of things, at the core of everything. No matter how I work to convince myself that I am worthy, the dark seed that lies at my root is that I failed my son, and that there is no coming back from that. That certainty is my rock bottom. It is my anchor to failure. 

I may believe that we are all connected, and that the energy I put out into the world matters,  but that doesn't negate the reality of how I feel.  I know that these are parts with different personalities and beliefs and convictions, but they are both me, and living in this state of contradictory beliefs is slowly grinding me down, giving my core sharp brittle edges that are hard to smooth over with platitudes and parts work.

I will not let the panic I feel rising  win. I will drop my shoulders and keep breathing. I will command my thoughts with positivity and lean into the routine of the day hoping that sanity will soon follow.

My left analytical brain who tells the stories, and my right emotional brain who yearns to belong to the light - surely they will drive me mad. But I have read enough stories in my life to know that the light will win, one way or another, and maybe with bodies lying bloody and mangled in the road, but the light will win.

Calm and Bright

I woke first to the sound of C crying, but have learned to trust that his needs will be met. Sure enough, I soon hear the little patter of his feet going down the hall to the bathroom.  Then it is my turn in the loo, and afterwards I head to the living room to turn off the porch light that had been streaming in through my bedroom window. Bypassing the little kitchen, I go back to bed and settle in to await sleep.

My second trip to the loo was a few hours later, and this time back in bed I felt 'awake', and snuggled in to arrange myself in the most relaxed and perfect pose I could manage. This is an old habit from childhood, where I knew that if I was lying in the perfect position, then...what, my dreams would come true? My wishes would be fulfilled? I can't recall exactly my objective other than these whimsical half formed ideas of 'things being better'. I can only assume this was a defense against the abuse of power I had been subjected to, this fantasy life that I so easily slipped into using ritual. I can look back and see it now, that at the time it was a creative solution to a seemingly impossible situation.

I spend a minute this morning seeking that part of me who was so courageous in putting up a defense against someone she loved. And I forgive her for the small acts of defiance; eating a bottle of aspirin, writing swear words on the bathroom wall in lipstick, then lying about it. I have never felt bad about the lying part, standing in front of parents who couldn't protect me and denying my acts of rebellion. I never pointed fingers until my sister needed an ally when I was in my twenties, and then I called my mother, and wrote my brother a letter, both times telling a small part of my story and making it clear they all had a duty to support my sister in any effort she required to help bring peace to her life. Because while I had gone on to marry and raise a family, she had spent her life in therapy.

In retrospect, food was my therapy. Like Elsa in Frozen, I had learned to hide away at a young age, keeping  myself small so as to not attract attention, and covering up my emotions with food. I tried running away once in my teens, and at the age of 19 I did finally leave home and move North where I would end up making a new life for myself. First to Berkeley, then San Francisco, then back across the bay to Pleasant Hill, and finally to settle in Livermore. Where I have been now for over 37 years. Years of battling weight gain, years of ignoring the physical signals of distress, years of failed battles, failed relationships, and finally the death of a child. And through it all I ate, the bread and butter of my youth remaining my faithful companion through it all.

I'm not sure why all of this is coming to the surface this morning. What I wanted to say was that I made myself comfortable in hopes of falling back asleep, and then breathed through the temptation to snack. Deep cleansing breaths, while I gently reminded myself that I was not going to eat. Followed by a more stern, " I am not going to eat tonight!" And I didn't. Waking for the third time I was relieved to have made it through the night and basked in the warmth of my bed as I fell back asleep for the last hour of rest.

I know, or at least I hope, that as I continue to lose weight I will also lose the wakeful nights. I could so use a solid night's sleep.

I am calm after a Bright night, my breakfast of beans, rice & cheese this morning was delicious, and my meals are planned for the rest of the day. One day at a time I will do this. And for the days I might fail, I have already forgiven myself. And for the days I might succeed, I gently reassure myself that this too will be okay; I do not need to be afraid. I am no longer a child that has to hide and make herself small inside a protective fat suit.

Notes on 'My Stroke of Insite'

I'm listening to 'My Stroke of Insight' by Jill Bolte and wanted to write down some notes about finding peace between the left and right brains we each have.

1. Remember you are part of a greater structure, an eternal flow of  molecules from which you cannot be separated. Thinking back to moments of happiness, they are usually when I am outside and feeling connected to everything.  Hiking, gardening, lifting my face to a gentle breeze, admiring the  moon, soaking in the energy of a crisp and cool Christmas Eve's midnight grace. All of those moments are about feeling connected, and knowing with a certainty that I am just a very small piece of something magnificent.

2. I am part of the cosmic whole. See #1.

3.The essence of my being is eternal. This is an interesting way of saying energy cannot be created or destroyed, just changed. I always think back to the movie with Cary Grant and Sophia Loren and explaining to the kids about death by pouring a cup of water (their mother's soul) into the river. That is what formed my early impression of what happens at death - our energy is transmuted. Whether to heaven, a parallel universe, or born into another being is not that important to me. I know with a certainty that we go on in some form or another. But this also reminds me that I believe I am here to learn, whether by being the hands of God, or by learning about what is important. Whatever the case, I know it's important to find my own true self and that this weight loss journey of mine is part of the process. 

4. Decide you are not in a hurry. Slow down to be in the present; find a way to settle into your calm 'right mind'. Meditation of course comes to mind, which I am still struggling with, and journaling, which I have been trying to do more regularly. Self care definitely entails slowing down, evidenced by the time I took to make a beautiful turkey sloppy joe mix in the kitchen this morning. Not in a hurry, just enjoying the cooking.

5. How does it feel to be here, right now. I know that is what I am doing when I raise my face to the wind, or sun, or rain. But I need to practice checking in with my body more often and assess how I'm doing.

6. Use physical stimulation to bring you back to the present when you are caught up in 'right brain' mind loop. You know, the narrator who keeps letting you know what's going on and analyzing everything to death. To break the cycle connect to the present using your body. A scented candle to ignite your smell,  a walk to engage your muscles, check out the view around you and really look, or have a delicious cup of herbal tea. All ways to engage your body and bring focus back to the present.

7. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy. When I first heard this I thought of my 12 year old granddaughter and her need to right about everything. And I mean everything. (We are hoping it's a phase.) And I wondered, "Is she Happy?"  I have never had the compulsion to be right. While I do want to share what I know from my experiences I have always been willing to accept another's point of view when I can learn from them. There have been a few people in my life who 'had to be right' and really, none of them were happy people. I think I have this one.

8. Angel cards. I had to google. And that took me down a rabbit hole! I think my take-away is that they are used for positive affirmations, and I now have a great Christmas idea for next year for someone in the family.  I'll look into it more.

So lot's of ideas that dovetail to what I am learning in parts work, and I think I have a better idea now on how to work on integrating my parts by realizing which part of my brain they are coming from. I still haven't done the Split Brain exercise, and hopefully that is on my short term self care agenda.

Right now I need to go weigh out portions of the lovely turkey sloppy joe mix that has finished cooking. And prep more veggies for the week. I guess everything has to be all about me right now. Which is fine, I'm not in a hurry.

BLE: Important Questions

Sometimes I get busy in the morning, and it isn't until logging on the next day that I see I missed a day of journaling. Time is like that, slipping by unnoticed as we navigate our days a minute at a time. I like the notion that time is just a human construct, without much meaning past using it for 9-5 obligations. So this is just another entry into the 'always now' of my life.

This morning's mastermind group was a great conversation, and I wanted to journal around the important ideas that were raised. It was my turn to do parts work, but instead, as I relayed what my week had been like, we had a great conversation. Below are the ideas and questions that I wrote down during the  meeting, and that I will continue to journal on and think about during the coming week.

What part is afraid of letting go?  I am probably 95% Bright, or more, but my night time snacking is keeping me from being 100%. Is there a part of me that is afraid of success? A part that rebels each time I have a Bright night, and makes sure I snack the next night? Last night was interesting; I had four triscuits about 11:30, telling myself that this was not such a bad thing - just a nod to the compulsion to eat so I could get back to sleep. Then I woke about 2:30, and couldn't sleep for hours, but during that time only once did the idea of eating float across my consciousness. And I immediately shut it down with a response to the voice that no, I'm not doing that. I watched a show on tv, then listened to my book for awhile, until finally dozing off around six to sleep for an hour. So it is possible to say no, I know that, what I don't know is why I can't say no every night. It has been suggested there is a part of me that is afraid of the unknown, afraid of what lies on the other side of my success, so that is a conversation I need to have with myself this coming week.

Don't kill your own light.  This is what I am doing each time I break my Bright Lines at night. I am killing the light I should be embracing. This dovetails with the first question, and the subject of my parts work this week.

What if we just trust the plan?  Again, about what will happen if we completely surrender to the plan. I know the plan works when I follow all four of the Bright Lines, so trusting the plan just makes sense. Once upon a time I considered myself a person of commonsense, and have been praised for having an abundance of it. Where has it gone? How can I tap into that again? I just need to be my own true self, and trust. More parts work.

Satisfaction is a daily habit, not a goal.  That being said, there is nothing to be afraid of if there are no big time goals. No fear of failing, no fear of succeeding, just calm, clear, and collected while going through my daily routines and following the plan. Following the daily habits that will bring me peace. Being true to my own true self, the part of me that is waiting to be healthy and active in a right sized body.

Nothing is crazy; it's being human.  G asked me, what if maintaining your initial weight loss is just part of your journey? Doing the work now while maintaining means that upon reaching goal I will be prepared to maintain then. I like that idea, that this past year has been for a purpose, and that I'm not crazy.

HONEST SHARING.  This is what we do in the mastermind group; we share our experiences and learn from each other. Lying would be pointless, and we are all past that. We want to grow, and be at peace with ourselves. So they hear my frustration with myself, and I hear that I am not crazy but human. That I have not been failing for a year, but growing. That I am only two feet from the curb, and learning to trust that being in the light is a good thing.

Final notes:  Structure keeps food from running the show. (stay on plan) Food takes you away from the present. (live in the now) The way we manage our food and our money is how we live our life. (to thine own self be true)

Lots to think about, and I look forward to a good week with the love and compassion of my group to fortify my thoughts of well being.

News overload

The news in general continues to be depressing. I was relieved about the impeachment vote, but conflicted because we want the Biden administration to get off the ground running, which will be challenging for all involved when the Senate will be holding the trial at the same time. I know it's important, that we need to keep this man from ever running for president again, but I can only imagine the frustration of all involved who need to focus on getting the new cabinet installed, and deploy plans against the virus that is decimating our economy.

And the troops that have been deployed to our Capital...just wow. There are no words, just a knot in my chest at the thought.

And to put everything into perspective, I am needed in the living room to play cars with C.

I will try to keep from saying, "CNN" into the remote.

Bright Night Bragging

A Bright night. Thank heavens. Well, thank me I guess. Because I did the work. I was hungry at bedtime and wanted to eat. I lay in bed wondering if anyone else in the house was up or if the kitchen was clear. And I stopped. I nipped the idea in the bud. I remembered to pause, and do some deep breathing, and think to myself, "what if I don't give up?"  I thought of how good I would feel this morning, and imagined texting my new Bright Line buddy to let her know I had a Bright night.

I woke again around midnight and couldn't go back to sleep. On the way back from the loo I went straight to bed, no detours into the kitchen, and again succeeded in not getting a snack. I visualized my rebel, and imagined her calm and quiet, and let her know I needed to stay in bed and breathe. And we did. Eventually I watched a little Colbert, and listened to a bit of my audio book after that as I was falling asleep.

It felt good to write down a lower number on my daily weight sheet, and to highlight a yellow square in my 100 day chart. These are things I started and wish to finish, I want to know I committed to something and followed through without giving up. Watching myself complete a commitment gets me a step closer to trusting myself. Susan explained that we know ourselves the same way we know others; by watching. One can hardly have self respect if you watch yourself fail over and over.

Another interesting bit I just remembered is that those of us who come from years of trying and failing tend to 'see' ourselves as failures. Seeing myself as a food addict instead of a failure is a step up. Knowing myself to be a food addict in recovery, well that's a whole new ballgame.

God, it's easy to be grandiose on the heels of a Bright night. I will tame it down and just be grateful for the night, and pray I have another at the close of this new Bright day.

Amen

Today's Food:

B: Polenta, chorizo sausages, roasted veggies, egg over easy.

L: Meatballs, cabbage & onions, Apple

D: Veggie Bean soup, green salad w/ cauliflower and bleu cheese dressing

A Dream

This morning, snuggling back into bed after the obligatory trip to the loo, I didn't want to meditate. I wanted to sink back into the delicious dream I had been having. There was a very handsome man, and I welcomed his attentions - just flirting- to a degree that was unexpected and fun and just plain delightful. I wanted to feel that way again, if only for a moment, in a dream, in my warm safe nest.

Big Sigh.

Maybe I am not dead inside after all. And at that thought I feel the wall go up inside, "Thou shall not pass!" demands my fierce protector at the mere idea of intimacy. I can imagine a future that includes a love life, but I do fear that my dreams are unrealistic and it makes me so sad. Because I dream of a partner I can talk to, and really share a life with - not just a bed.

Silly girl. Like that happens.

Enough cynicism for the day! To work!

A quick check-in

It feels good to have a Bright day under my belt, so to say since I haven't worn a belt in more years than I can remember. It was a busy day, first with accounting, then with welcoming the family home and getting some play time in with C. I cooked ribs in the instant pot for dinner, which is a chore unto itself what with all the seasonings and the ripping off of the membrane. Then after dinner it was back to more accounting work. 

My breakfast was pears & blueberries mixed in with oatmeal &flaxmeal, and cream cheese  & pecans. 

Lunch was veggie bean soup and an apple. And dinner was ribs, salad, corn & peas.

There was no snacking today, no indulging other than the delicious meals I made, and I'm so tired heading into bedtime that I am hopeful of a Bright night. I'm trying a new Sweet & Spicy night time tea, and I like it, so I'm hoping it keeps me asleep for a while.

Just a quick recap since I forgot to journal this morning, and I want to be able to check this off of my night time list. I am off to watch a little tv in bed before I turn in for the day, and looking forward to another 'cozy in my warm bed' morning meditation tomorrow.

And my brain keeps going back to something I read today. I keep thinking, 'what if I don't give up.'

BLE: On Being Unstoppable

Yesterday was not as awful as the day before, and today will be Bright. I lay in bed this morning luxuriating in the feel of warm flannel sheets against my bare skin,  and began my day with steady breathing and meditation. Next I weighed in and was unsurprised to see a gain; up one and a half pounds from the start of daily weighing just after Christmas. My internal, ever present calculator knows I now have another couple of weeks to tip the scales in the correct direction; I am after all the Queen of Maintenance. Which will be great once I am at goal weight, which I am NOT.

Dressed and in the kitchen I found myself fantasizing about harvest grain pancakes; cutting a golden triangle of nuttiness just dripping with butter and BLAM, I had the sense to stop the vision, and ask myself how I want to feel tomorrow morning. Disappointed or Delighted. I chose Delighted and weighed out my oatmeal, flax, pecans and cream cheese and warmed it all up in the microwave. And had a banana.

Lunch was meatballs with roasted onions & cabbage and part of a large Asian pear. Just before lunch I had started a batch of veggies in the instant pot (bok choy, onion, red & yellow peppers, mushrooms, and lots of carrots) and after lunch used them with the rest of the beans left over from last week to pack up some more meals.  There are still containers of left over veggies (two kinds) and meatballs (spicy and full of allspice and nutmeg) that are ready to combine into more quick and delicious meals next week.

The only food prep left today are the raw veggies for salads, but my back has been used up for now and they will have to wait for this afternoon.

Taking a quick look at my paper journal I see that I am at about 50% for filling out my nightly check list - still working on consistency there - and  then I take the time to read some of my heartfelt notes from over the past year plus since I begai Bright Line Eating.

"Define your journey in a way that serves you." "Do the next right thing." "The simple truths are self evident in everything." I find comfort in the fact that my own true self resonates to the truth of these words. I find comfort in the reality that everyday I am making the attempt to know myself better, and in doing so finding that hope remains alive and well at the core of who I am. No momentary rant or anger, no broken lines or frustration, will derail me from my purpose of finding freedom from the food obsession that has twisted and warped my life. I am unstoppable.

Crazytown

Well yesterday turned into crazy town around here.  Not having purchased any of the foods I had been tempted by prior to my trip to the store, I was left with food chatter and nothing in the house I really wanted to satisfy the itch. So instead of reaching out for support, I found myself acting out in small petty ways. A small meatball here while weighing out meals. A couple of pieces of flourless raisin bread toast smothered in butter, three truffles, and then a few handfuls of chocolate chips. Not all at once, hours apart, and I never ate a real lunch or dinner because I was full from the snacking.

That may have been the one good thing, learning that my stomach no longer wanted to be bursting full, that a binge to me now is nothing like what it was back in the day. But somehow the memory of what a bad day once looked like is not consoling when I think about my bad behavior yesterday.

This morning I weighed myself, took my vitamins,  ate a Bright breakfast, and swore off news for at least a few hours. But I have a feeling that the stress of not knowing what the latest news is might be just as stressful as watching. I have my precious MMG in a couple of hours, and I know that will help. And my new buddy will be checking in too, and I know that will help.

I have lots of food prep to keep me busy today, as well as a new audio book to  listen to as I take a short walk outside. I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet of the day even as I miss the commotion of my family, and the cuddles of C.  All I wanted yesterday was a good day, and instead it fell into disarray and disappointment. Another double D. I do not want to feel this way again tomorrow.

There is a Bright Line Eating saying; 99% is hard, 100% is freedom. I am living proof of that truth. I know that just a few days of 100% make all the difference in the world. I have everything I need for today to be a 100% day.

Just because I succeed in staying bright, and losing weight, doesn't mean my life will change. It doesn't mean that once in a right sized body I will have to live a big, transformed, life. It just means I will be able to wear comfortable clothes that happen to be cute and dare I say it, flattering. It just means I will be able to better care for my family and myself, and live pain free, and take walks without limping. That's all I want, just a small, simple life.

May the powers that be find this an acceptable wish, and help me in my journey today.

A Mini Rebellion

I know from experience, years and years of experience, that the harder I try the behinder I get. In other words, the more effort I put into 'doing things right', the stronger the pushback from my rebel. Also, the more energy I put into wanting to do something in particular, the more my perfectionist is activated. Spending a day listening to the split brain webinar, then planning to implement a healing that would finally solve my 2am eating, well, it sparked all sorts of strong emotions and noise from my inner rabble.

That meant that yesterday was full of food chatter, amplified because the family is leaving for three days and I am full of good intentions to do a healing meditation and be bright going forward. And by good intentions I mean strong motivation to do things right, and be perfect going forward. And then the 'what the hell' effect settles in - I mean really, what better time to eat what I want than before finally setting out on my bright path once and for all. And all the time I was having these thoughts there was a little whisper coming from some small place in my mind that hopefully I could depend on my sanity taking reign once the moment arrived to implement the plan. And thank heavens for that. Because my plan was to eat something I shouldn't, something I would miss, something NMF.

I was at the store early this morning, overtly to purchase staples for making meatballs, refried beans, and stewed veggies. But covertly to sneak NMF into the house. At the store I wandered past the bakery on my way to purchase the items on my list. I casually thought that I would come back by at the end of my shopping trip to take a closer look at the offerings. It never happened. I filled my cart with cabbage, bok choy, and red kale. I grabbed bags of onion, apples, peppers and a bunch of bananas. I picked up fruit canned in water, some dark chocolate almond milk for the grandkids, and a slab of ribs to put in the instant pot. Oh, and the list of items needed to prepare a batch of meatballs; beef, pork, poblano pepper, and zucchini.

It wasn't until I was back in the car that I realized I had made it out clean, that I had come away with bags of ingredients to make only Bright Line meals. Nothing to hide, nothing to sneak, nothing to eat off plan.

My hope and my dream for this day is to eat only my Bright meals, to feel good about myself one moment at a time, and to just live just this one day the best I can. Gone are the big plans of healing my split brain, gone is the food chatter about one last splurge, and gone is the anxiety of planning.

It feels like the rebellion was short lived, and not much damage resulted from the break. I will listen to the split brain meditation once the family takes off, do the work, then make my meatballs. Simple, uncomplicated, easy.  Go Me.

The Split Brain

I spent the early hours of this morning first meditating from the warmth and comfort of my bed, and then listening to a webinar about the split brain. I am such an idiot. Of course I now know that the preceding comment was generated by the left hemisphere (LH) of my brain to explain the emotions of my right hemisphere (RH), and that it has nothing to do with reality because I know that I am in fact NOT an idiot.

Here is a nice little summary page from the webinar. The webinar is on Internal Conflict and, guess what, called the "2am Syndrome". OMG, this is what I have been looking for, and the whole time it was in the bonus materials of my BLE boot camp. Part of the material I just never got around to looking at a year ago.MY BAD!!

And now C wants to go get a donut, and he hasn't had an appetite yet this morning so I am off to oblige him. "As you wish", I tell him. And if you don't know the reference, shame on you.

We are back, and I have left him cheerfully eating his blueberry muffin in front of the tv while he watches Coco Melon so that I may have a few moments to myself and finish this up.

The webinar says that most of us identify with our LH, but looking at the list I feel I relate more to my RH. In anycase, I am not yet to the part where he teaches us how to reconcile our different halves, or personalities, in order to find peace. That is the part I will get to if/when C goes down for his nap today.

It's interesting that this happens on the same morning I decide to forego my meditation bench, and just stay in bed to meditate. I practiced mindful breathing, I chanted my mantra for a bit, I let thoughts pass by and continued to breath. At one point I felt different, I felt a sort of energy bubble form and dissipate within me, and for just that moment I felt ... like I had arrived somewhere. And on the heels of that I thought it was time to get up, and began thinking about what my next course of action might be on this BLE journey. And it came to me, look at the boot camp materials and find the coaching calls by Dr. Joy.  Of course while that was my goal, instead I found this, and it just feels serendipitous that after an attempt to center myself I am led to find another piece of the puzzle that is me. 

Going to the kitchen to prepare some strawberry milk for C, I notice the remnants of his muffin on the cutting board, and wish as I always do that my daytime fortitude would continue into the night. Because during the day there is no question of taking a bit of something that is probably absolutely delicious, while at night I would even eat cardboard in the guise of a brown rice cake just to make my inner demon shut the F up.

My dream and my hope this morning is that by the end of the webinar I will have some more answers, another tool at least, to solve my 2am syndrome. From my lips to god's ears!

And my few minutes are up.

Rampaging Indulger

Yesterday ended well. I counted my mid morning splurge as my lunch, then waited and ate a Bright dinner at my usual time. Unfortunately I ended up in the kitchen, with rather more than a snack as is usual when eating in the wee hours of the morning. Again, no sugar or flour, but a fourth meal for sure. When I posted in the official FB page someone mentioned they used Ambien to cure their night time eating.  I really don't want to go down that road.

Today is Bright so far, I have cauliflower roasting in the oven; that plus two ounces of cheese melted on top will be lunch. That comes from watching someone making stovetop mac n cheese on the food network this morning. What was I thinking? Not much actually, just looking for something to watch while drinking my tea. And blam! There it was.

I am cleaning out the fridge today when C takes his nap; organizing my food and seeing what needs to be cooked. It gets very cluttered in there rather quickly, and it's easy to lose sight of what's available. Even with the fridge in the garage for overflow, it seems unmanageable lately. Partly because of M doing Daniel's fast, and partly because of my inattention. A sure sign I am not on board as I should be. And I am hungry. Because of the extra calories yesterday my appetite has skyrocketed, and it seems so unfair.

I know that millions of us ask everyday, why me? Why does food have to be such a huge challenge in my life? It's been suggested that this is one of the paths to enlightenment, that in solving the food problem we learn about our lives and raise our consciousness. I think back to 'Eat Pray Love' and Liz Gilbert bemoaning that she would just like to have an unexamined lunch!

The lure of eating what I want and chucking this all to the curb is strong in me right now. Which means my indulger is on a rampage and it's time to sign off and do some parts work. Right at this moment, I truly feel that this journey SUCKS. Luckily, I also know that this feeling will pass, probably after I eat lunch!

What a grump I am today. My Bad.

A short dive into the Food

As with many failures, it was a trifecta of bad circumstances that led to breaking a couple of lines this morning. First there was a walk I took with C to find puddles for him to jump in, as it had rained last night. We only found one tiny puddle before heading home, thank heavens, because I was in so much pain it was hard to keep up with him. Second, I had been listening to CNN all morning, which I haven't done in weeks, and was brought up to date on Corona numbers and the Georgia state political run-offs. And lastly, the kids left to run an errand together while C was glued to the tv and A was in class in her room. So I was depressed by pain, then depressed by the news, then left alone.

Another subliminal factor was probably that I saw in the mirror this morning that my stomach is distended. Now we all know this is just a normal fluctuation, but to me this morning it was just a glaring reminder of how dismally I am failing to thrive right now. And having said that, and remembering how positive my mood has been recently, I realize in retrospect that my mood has been flip flopping to alarming degrees recently.

She's up, she's down, she's up. Mostly I think it's just me being down and trying to talk myself up? I don't know.

The bottom line is I ate too much, and it wasn't yet lunch time. Two lines broken. I will say that when searching the fridge I came across left over treats from Christmas and the 'Not My Food' came through loud and clear and I didn't touch them. Not tempted at all. No flour or sugar passed my lips. I think the real need at the moment was to just stuff myself, because that works so well (be sure to read the last five words with severe sarcasm.)

So here it is lunchtime and I am not hungry. I don't want to eat. I have no needs or cravings or food chatter going on in my head. I know the right thing to do is to skip my Bright Line Lunch and then wait to eat my Bright Line dinner. In the meantime, the heavy feeling in my stomach is not pleasant. It's just a physical feeling, there is no emotion attached to it; no regret or shame or anger. If anything there is a faint wondering at it all, that I could so easily see what was happening but not reach out for support before I dove off the cliff. I think it's what Susan has said many times, you need to be in the habit of reaching out, so that when your situation is critical, it's the immediate and automatic response.

Reflecting on this, I realize that I need to be in contact with some sort of support  more often than once a week. So here I go again, a hermit crab coming face to face with the need for society. Big Sigh. I can do this. I can. I will.

Staying Busy

Yesterday was busy. C was up early before the rest of the family and we hung out together until R was up. Then it was time for me to get ready for my weekly master mind group. Shortly thereafter I drove in to the office to work for a few hours, getting home just in time to make my usual early dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't journaled until this morning signing on, just as I didn't realize I hadn't used my nightly checkoff list until recording my weight this morning. Not so good, this forgetting of so many things that need to become automatic! Ah well, it will come.

I was on the road yesterday when I remembered I hadn't brought my lunch, and stopping at In-N-Out for a burger seemed the best/easiest solution. For a minute it was agony sitting in the lunch line of cars to place my order, but I remembered to just breath and let it go. I wasn't in a hurry, it was okay. I took my double double protein style burger with two extra tomatoes and fresh onion back to my office and took the time to eat before starting to work. A good decision since it was so messy, and I was glad I had opted out of getting fries and staying bright once I was finished and full.

Food prep today will be large trays of butternut squash, onions, and carrots roasted with a little oil and lots of seasonings. I may cook a batch of beans but I'm thinking canned will do this week just to rotate out the ones in our backup supplies cabinet in the garage. I also need to chop a large bin of veggies to have ready for salad; I've been making my salads from scratch the last couple of days and miss the convenience.

But speaking of salads, I'm wondering if it's time to try cutting back on cheese again. Gorgonzola in my salads at night has been wonderful, but I am waking up with my hands more stiff and swollen than is comfortable. Cheese has been my comfort food as long as I can remember; it's on all my favorite foods, or rather, what were all my favorite foods. And I do like to think that at some point I can make macaroni & cheese using pasta made from lentils, but is that the best sort of thing to be thinking? I guess it helps with the whole day to day thing, "I can do this today, and when I get to maintenance I can try the lentil pasta to make mac n cheese, or lasagna, or spaghetti."  The dreams of my indulger? Maybe. But in the meantime I think I will cut back on cheese and swap in seeds for a week and see how my hands feel.

Okay, time to get going. C needs watching, their are decorations to put away, and I need to do some more office work this afternoon. All of that and the food prep. Looks like it will be another busy day!

New Year's Day; Black eyed peas recipe

I normally don't sit down to write out a recipe, but this evening's soup was wonderful and I want to remember how I made it. Because of course I looked at recipes online and then put together what sounded good.

Heat avocado oil in a heavy soup pot; R's is a beautiful blue enamel over cast iron.

Dice 1 med-large yellow onion and sauté on low while continuing to prep the rest of the veg.

1 green pepper and an equal amount of carrots, 1 small head of curly kale, 1 large handful of baby spinach.  Add the veggies to the pot as they are diced and continue sautéing with the pot covered to retain moisture, about 15 minutes stirring often and adding sun dried tomato oil once to prevent sticking. 

Blend 1-15oz can of fire roasted tomatoes and add to pot. Stir in seasonings; 2t thyme, 2t smoked paprika, 2t garlic granules, Mrs. Dash Onion Herb blend to liberally cover surface area of soup, half as much mushroom mix,  and 1 large bay leaf for good luck. Freshly grind in some black pepper and add a healthy amount of salt. Gently stir all together.

Add 2-11oz containers of black eyed peas found in the produce section. Add water to the pot, covering the mixture by about an inch. Bring to a boil and then simmer for an hour and a half. Check each half hour to stir and make sure there is enough liquid, adding water to desired consistency.

I used water in the soup because we were out of vegetable stock and M is on Daniel's fast with his church this week. So it needed to be vegan for.  For my portion, I added in an ounce of cream cheese to split the protein with the peas, and more freshly ground black pepper.  I am full and happy and feel wonderful to have a nutritious meal under my belt, so to say.

In retrospect I wish I hadn't forgotten the collard greens, while the kale and spinach were delicious I am concerned that we may miss out on some of the luck the meal is said to provide. Not that I ate enough peas to be lucky all year long, but any good luck is always welcome, no?

The house is quiet, the family having just left to pick up their whole foods order, and I am content.

                    

Bright Line Eating; a look back, and a look forward

When I began Bright Line Eating (BLE) I was weighing once a week, and this lasted 24 weeks. Then I began only weighing when I felt 'lighter'. At my year anniversary I knew I was stalled and opted for only weighing once a month to focus on the Bright Lines instead of 'The Number'. And finally last week on 12/26 I committed to weighing daily as part of my plan to stay accountable to myself. One cannot say I haven't tried when it comes to the dreaded scale. If once a day doesn't seem to be productive, then finally I can release the scale to the garbage bin. I think. Below is a recap of my BLE progress to date as noted in my paper journal.

232.6    10.6.19    Day One; down from all time high of 239 point something

215.0    1.25.20    -17.6; lost about 1# per week in the first 16 weeks

206.0    7.18.20    -26.6; lost another 9# over the next 6 months

202.0    1.1.21      -30.6; down 3.4# in the past week since weighing daily

So in the beginning I was losing slow and steady about 1# a week. In February I had a 'triggering event' and started eating at night. In the wee hours of the morning to be more precise as it was usually after midnight, and usually around 3am. I only lost half a pound between then and May. And while this seems dismal at best, it was then that I became aware of my parts, especially my rebel and isolator parts - famous stars of food addicts everywhere. This gave me the motivation I needed to join Bright Line Freedom,  a huge step for me, and my IFS parts work began. Desperate to succeed, I finally bit the bullet and put myself out there to find support. And despite the howling of my isolator I persevered until I found a master mind group that accepted me. And this has been the biggest blessing in my weight loss journey to date, well, other than BLE itself. These women understood, and empathized to a degree that amazed me. As we saw ourselves in each other and grew to really know that we were not alone, not crazy, and in the right place doing the right work to overcome our demons, I began to gain confidence. I began to do the work.

Doing parts work created lots of drama, and I began to break my lines more often, and not just at night anymore. For the first time since starting BLE the urges to binge were resurfacing. But the teachings were about self compassion, and I took them to heart, and stopped beating up on myself so much. I learned to pause, and question the impulses to eat brought forward by my parts, and I stopped breaking my lines during the day.

And then I stopped breaking my lines at night, for days at a time before stress would once again rear it's ugly head. And at one of these junctures I made the decision to become accountable. To really look at my own actions, and bring them into alignment with the full BLE program. Because there is more to it than just not eating sugar and flour, more to it than not snacking and weighing my food.

So here I am, focusing on making new routines automatic, as I should have done from the beginning. But I had to learn, I had to muddle my own way through the best I could. And the fact that I have maintained my weight loss and even continued to lose, albeit very slowly, I am counting as a big win in my book.

I have to admit that I am surprised by losing over 3# this past week since making the decisions to be accountable, to weigh everyday, to use my nightly checkoff list. Because there is still a part of me that doesn't believe I can ever be in a right sized body, a part of me that hasn't 'come all the way in and sat all the way down.' The part that dreams of pizza and cheesecake and coffee ice cream. But I can learn to live with that part, get to know her, and love her, and integrate with her to the point that she is no longer a distraction. That she too can live and think just one day at a time, and lower her voice as she learns it doesn't serve us.

Last New Years I think it was when Susan's vlog was about not making resolutions that revolve around goals, but to instead make them about the actions that will fulfill those goals. I feel that is what I did last week, and I hereby reaffirm them this morning, the first day of 2021. I will continue to refine and make relevant my nightly checklist, adding items that are to my benefit and encourage health and automaticity.  This includes getting outside every day and moving my body, and meditating each day to soothe my mind, and eating lots of greens to express the right genes in my DNA. And for at least the rest of January it includes weighing everyday.

These are not all of the items on my list, so far there are nine, and my intentions heading into the new year are to be accountable. To show up and do the work. Because while I have often berated myself for being lazy, it's just not true. Whenever there is a specific job to be done I am the hardest of worker bees. I am realizing that all of  my lazy tendencies revolved around my food addiction, and the fog I was walking around in caused by sugar & flour inflaming those tendencies. That is not who I am. Not anymore.

Being rather clear of mind this morning after a productive week and a bright night, it's easy to look back and see the path I have struggled forth on for most of my life, and I can see clearly why it has been so difficult to navigate. But that is only a brief flash of acknowledgement for what has been and cannot be changed; a nod to the trials and tribulations that brought me here. My focus this morning is on today, and on making it another step forward on this new path I am forging.

And I must say, that at least for this morning, it's looking pretty good out there.