A short dive into the Food

As with many failures, it was a trifecta of bad circumstances that led to breaking a couple of lines this morning. First there was a walk I took with C to find puddles for him to jump in, as it had rained last night. We only found one tiny puddle before heading home, thank heavens, because I was in so much pain it was hard to keep up with him. Second, I had been listening to CNN all morning, which I haven't done in weeks, and was brought up to date on Corona numbers and the Georgia state political run-offs. And lastly, the kids left to run an errand together while C was glued to the tv and A was in class in her room. So I was depressed by pain, then depressed by the news, then left alone.

Another subliminal factor was probably that I saw in the mirror this morning that my stomach is distended. Now we all know this is just a normal fluctuation, but to me this morning it was just a glaring reminder of how dismally I am failing to thrive right now. And having said that, and remembering how positive my mood has been recently, I realize in retrospect that my mood has been flip flopping to alarming degrees recently.

She's up, she's down, she's up. Mostly I think it's just me being down and trying to talk myself up? I don't know.

The bottom line is I ate too much, and it wasn't yet lunch time. Two lines broken. I will say that when searching the fridge I came across left over treats from Christmas and the 'Not My Food' came through loud and clear and I didn't touch them. Not tempted at all. No flour or sugar passed my lips. I think the real need at the moment was to just stuff myself, because that works so well (be sure to read the last five words with severe sarcasm.)

So here it is lunchtime and I am not hungry. I don't want to eat. I have no needs or cravings or food chatter going on in my head. I know the right thing to do is to skip my Bright Line Lunch and then wait to eat my Bright Line dinner. In the meantime, the heavy feeling in my stomach is not pleasant. It's just a physical feeling, there is no emotion attached to it; no regret or shame or anger. If anything there is a faint wondering at it all, that I could so easily see what was happening but not reach out for support before I dove off the cliff. I think it's what Susan has said many times, you need to be in the habit of reaching out, so that when your situation is critical, it's the immediate and automatic response.

Reflecting on this, I realize that I need to be in contact with some sort of support  more often than once a week. So here I go again, a hermit crab coming face to face with the need for society. Big Sigh. I can do this. I can. I will.