This morning it was my turn to engage in an IFS session with my master mind group. As we chatted I knew I wanted to focus on the strength of my part that is so intent on eating at night. And because of my split brain focus over the past couple of weeks, I already had a vision of this part, and now I have a name for her. She's my Tough Chick. She looks like me in my early twenties; tight black jeans, too much jewelry, keys clipped in belt loop, boots, shaggy hair. The only thing missing was eyeliner, but that has never been me.
During the session it comes out that she needs to make sure we eat because I've been starving myself. And at that point in my life (late 70s) it was true. We would go for weeks where we ate and sleep only rarely. We spent lots of time on a Sportster, staying up nights doing more nothing than I can even begin to contemplate, and I realize that this is where another split in my personalities originated. Coming from being an athlete, and athletic, and proud of my strength, I had become a sort of almost biker chick. We never joined a club, but we were around them a lot because of a friend's 'business' and the deadly white powder he supplied to them. I was just the innocent girlfriend on the back of a bike, going along for the ride. Looking back now I can see I was lost, and trying to fit in anywhere I could.
After the session K pointed out that this tough chick may have saved my life, and I had to agree, because I have often been asked, "how did you just stop using?" And I never had a good answer. I now remember standing in the yard behind the little house we were renting, surrounded by apple trees, and knowing that I needed to change my life. We had just seen photos of ourselves at a friend's wedding, and we looked like death warmed over. I knew that girl in the picture wasn't me, absolutely couldn't be me. And I told my partner, my future husband and father of my children, that we had to stop. And we did. Or rather, I did and he pretended to. A month later we discovered I was pregnant, and another four months found us married.
So all this time, for forty five years give or take a few, this tough chick has been carrying the burden of saving me from myself. Emerging at a time I was starving myself with drugs, she was trying to save my inner athlete, my own true self that loved sports, and being active, and connecting with nature. This goes a long way towards explaining the urge to eat at night if she is still under the impression that she needs to save me.
My work for the upcoming week is clear. Get to know this part, show her how well I am eating and working to get back to a right sized body. Show her my dreams of shooting my bow again, and hiking in national forests; show her I am taking care of myself so she can let down the burden she has carried for so long.
I think this all came together this morning because of the work I've done over the past couple of weeks on researching the Split Brain, on trying to understand the point of Inner Work, and having a friend facilitate the parts work to bring it all together in a way I can understand. Then a witness to the parts work clarifying what she heard and naming my tough chick, and advancing the idea that she may have saved my life.
I broke down and let myself cry, feeling the truth of it all, and allowing myself to be so grateful to this part of me that was strong enough to see what was wrong and decide on a better life. Now she needs to see how strong I've become, and help me in my efforts to heal. I think as we work to become a team, and she learns to trust my actions in self care, we will be able to overcome this obstacle to my weight loss.
I am so grateful for this master mind group, and the support that is changing my life.
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