I have a paper journal for writing down what I am grateful for each day. I try to write in it often, and for each week I have a list that I review and check off each time I make an entry.
This morning after transferring the list to the next week I thought, these are like sound-bites. What do they really mean? So here goes.
I want
peace of Mind: I want to enjoy cooking and eating, and then forget all about food until it's time for my next meal. I don't want to dream about the addictive foods that brought me to this place in my life, where I am still writing about and struggling with what I eat and my resulting weight. I want to have the space to think about art, and going fun places, and having my bow tuned in case I want to go hiking and shooting up in the Oakland hills. I don't want to think about when my next opportunity will be to grab something I shouldn't, I don't want to bribe myself with something NMF in the future to be Bright now. I want to stop dreaming about pie, and pizza, and coffee ice cream. They were literally killing me, why can I not reconcile myself to them being evil and destructive? Why does a part of me glamourize them and try to seduce me knowing what I now know? Crazy thoughts, and I want them to be gone.
walk w/o pain: Just that. To walk without being in pain, whether it's my hips, knees, feet or legs. I want to be able to go fun places to hike and see beautiful things. I want to be able to run to Cal if and when he needs me, and take him on adventures out on the golf course.
better blood work: How wonderful it would be to see normal numbers at my annual blood work in January. Especially cholesterol and thyroid. To have my Dr. agree to take me off medications because I no longer need them. To have my blood pressure taken and have it recorded the first time because it's normal and there is no reason to take it a 2nd and 3rd time trying to get lower numbers. To skip the embarrassment of having to stand up while they take it, to skip the shame and blame and all the rest of the garbage feelings that creep their way into one's psyche when the numbers remain too high.
size 12 jeans: While this is a goal, being in a loose size 16 would float my boat about now. I'm so sick and tired of having three or four or five different sizes of pants in my closet. Jeans are cozy and comfortable when they fit, and to not have to sort by what does and doesn't fit would be so glorious. A true blessing. And right now after a month of grief and parts-work and Halloween my jeans are tight. I don't even know what size they are, just that the elastic band at my waist is no longer loose. Elastic - how sad and pitiful.
better sleep: I seldom sleep more than a few hours at a time. I know that losing weight will help my breathing, and I long for a stretch of six hours at a time so I can wake up refreshed instead of groggy and grumpy and struggling just to make it to the loo, and then the kitchen to make coffee so I can wake up.
better clothes; I am thankful that Walmart and Target carry 'big' girl clothes and that I can at least dress myself. But really, I am so tired of living in tents. It would be so wonderful to be able to pull out a pretty sweater that didn't take a herd of sheep to make and still looked nice after being washed. Cheap clothes do not travel well in the wash, spin, and dry cycles.
There are so many other things I want, but these are at the cored of what is important right now. So I try to remember why I want to stay Bright, and what can happen if I do. All of these things and more.
So far so Bright today.
