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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Calm Morning

Another cloudy California morning, but today there is a swathe of light streaming in from the East, and the lawn across the street is a gleaming emerald beacon of the day to come. How it beckons me, tempting me out of my little room where I sit typing; tippity tap tap goes the keyboard as my feet stay firmly planted under my chair. Today is a walking day, I took yesterday off, and I know I should do it now to get the day off to a good start; planning to do it after work is...insanity. I am fairly certain it won't happen. But the sleep help I took last night is not conducive to a bright and cheery and movement oriented morning.  Time to switch back to herbal teas and see if I can sleep without the pm crap. But I am scared of what I may lay awaking thinking...we'll see.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

History and and the Horrors of Repetition

I haven't been writing for a long time; sucked into the insanity of online gaming I have been struggling to keep my head above water there - thoughts of 'what the fuck am I doing wasting this day here' and 'I need to get up, I need to move, I need....something!' coursing through my brain as I sit immobile except for the flurry of my mouse finger and the occasional pattering across the keyboard. Ugh.  But I love to play and I don't see that going away.  

After my pathetic (but needed) dip into the pity pool last night I am rather calm this morning. I gamed a little, walked the dog & washed my wine glass, and spent some time reading back some of the posts I have written here.  I should rename this post something like, "The intimate ramblings of a bi-polar idiot."  My god, I have been in the same place emotionally so many times, will I never learn? Lets see, there is a good day filled with 'INSIGHTS' followed by the determination to 'FIGHT', and the 'LISTS' of all the wonderful plans on how to succeed. Ugh. then I disappear for a while, and all is dark and pitiful. And then...well just more of the same over and over.  So I guess here I am again back at the beginning YET AGAIN.  A good morning after a bad night and ready to slay dragons. How Dreadfully Boring.

Yes, yes, but lets move on to the lists :)

Eat for nutrition - Log at PeerTrainer
Stay Accountable - Blog here
Exercise - Walk the Dog, Shoot my Bow, Start the 100 push ups program,  Ride my Bike

How Grateful I am to be able to do those things. And it might all change, so I will try to feel blessed by what I can do instead of being grumpy about how things didn't turn out.


Friday, July 22, 2011


Why are endings and beginnings so different? They are after all just part of the same thing. But I do think that how you begin something has a definite bearing on how you end it. Whether it's Love, or a Habit; a Job or a Hobby. When you rely on someone or something else to provide the impetus for action, when that person or thing shuts down, well, so do you. I guess. I have no clue how or why anything works or doesn't, and really, I guess my faith is pretty much in the toilet tonight. Faith in myself, in the universe at large, in Love.

I never imagined I would be who I am today.  I may have written about the day I was driving to school and listening to the radio. I heard someone say how they had wasted their life trying to figure out who they were and remember thinking, "that will be me."  How on earth could I have known - or at that moment did I decide my future. Do I wish I could go back and punch in another station before hearing those words? No. I haven't the energy to even think of starting over.

I loved reading that for a human life there is no control group. It's the one thing I can hang on to, that how I feel and grieve is just perfectly normal for me. But if that is true, how can I hate so much what I have become? I can feel barely a glimmer of light in my center screaming out, "I'm here, don't give up!"  Such a small and far away voice; a thought really, not even a sound. And so tiny.  But there it is, and I can't ignore it. I wish I could. I wish I could throw in the towel and just be who and what someone else needs me to be instead of being tortured daily by what I think I should have been. Lord knows I think I have fairly well slaughtered the hope of who I once thought I was.

I know I am loved, and valued, by at least a couple of people. I know deep down inside there is that girl who remembers how to love and smile. I just can't find her right now, and it's a very sad day.