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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Saturday chores....again

I knew that driving through for a decaf was not in my best interest this morning as I have it in my mind to stop doing that, but the house would thank me later as the dirty dishes and clothes disappeared into their respective cleaning receptacles to show up in much better condition later in cupboards, drawers and closets.

One cannot imagine the havoc that can be wreaked by a small artist left alone with scissors, tape & construction paper behind a closed door; one has to experience it first hand. Then you just have to pull up your big girl pants and dive in. That or quietly retreat closing the door gently behind you. Today I chose the former and am now taking a brief break before running the vacuum. I am mentally prepared to hear small clinking as I suck up the remaining debris and ready to sacrifice whatever treasure it may have been that will now be gone forever. And I am enjoying the sweat this chore produced, and all of the moving around. I know I will pay for it later in stiffness and limping, but hey, it's better than stagnating.

A small shriek filled the house as A set eyes upon her room; seeing the floor must have been quite a shock, but she recovered quickly and it was business as usual. I love how she always lingers in her room once it is clean, again a fun place full of possibilities; a new country so to say.

The dogs all had their monthly flea treatments, all of their bedding has been washed, and each of them enjoyed more cookies than they might normally receive. Kaylee also had her nails trimmed this morning, much to her wiggling chagrin.

Laundry is almost done, A's last load is in and I am determined she will help put it all away. Right. But in the meantime there was some snuggling in front of a movie with the child, and a bit of solitaire until she had been still long enough and her bike was calling to her. Simple pleasures. How we all wish we had her energy.

Breakfast: decaff and left over pizza
Lunch:  cocoa pebbles in almond milk
Dinner: last of the homemade veggie stoup

Friday, February 27, 2015

Ruminations of a work problem

When one stresses about approaching a 'problem', once one has, shouldn't it stay fixed? A frustrating day at work yesterday; I'm not sure why I let myself be so bothered but it probably comes down to 'fair is fair' and how the world does not adhere to that adage and it is up to us as individuals to create our own small atmospheres of fairness as best we can. My attempts are not working. So. Shut up and do my job? Go to the Boss? Try again to reach someone who is never going to change and won't even consider that they might be causing a department wide problem? How does one approach a being who feels they are smarter, better, and anything they do is justified just because it's them doing it?

While I don't feel like I am failing exactly, I am also not leading the department as it should be led. God I hate kvetching about work. I wish I could just aim my energy down another track and let it flourish there and ignore what is going on right under my nose. Which is basically what I try to do; maybe I need to just do a better job of that particular tactic. Which means ignoring the problem and focusing my energy on the positive. Not a new message, but obviously one I need to revisit and embrace.


Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Mixed salad w\ baby kale and assorted lettuces, romaine, chick peas, peppers, onion, cauliflower, mushrooms  and pepitas with a small amount of Greek yogurt dressing tossed in.
Dinner:  pepperoni pizza, one garlic cheese bread
Dessert: pumpkin pie

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Veggies and more veggies

Up in time to pack all the salad fixings I would need at work today and now I am enjoying the fruit of my labours. A huge yummy salad. Just had to say.

Now I am home, and have just finished a large bowl of soup and I have that 'full of veggies' smugness about me. I used the last of the Christmas drippings to saute a med yellow onion, about five large white mushrooms, and about twice as many (bulk not ea) brussels sprouts. Everything rough chopped and seasoned with magic mushroom mix, garlic powder and fresh ground pepper I set it to boiling once the onions were soft and everything else had a chance to wilt. Maybe ten minutes? Then I added hot water to the top of the veggies and then that much more again. Stirred in a cup of organic noodles (Quinoa\corn blend) and brought it back to a boil, then covered and turned the heat down for ten minutes. All in all about half an hour to make? And delicious. I use to make stoups all the time for dinner, and I need to restore that good habit.

Let's see, how did I do today. Top five healthy foods:

Check, Check, Check and double Check. It's a good day when I can hit all five, some fresh and some cooked. There were seeds in my salad providing fat so all my nutrients could be absorbed, beans to stabilize my blood sugar at lunch, and whole grain organic noodles to satisfy my evening comfort food bug.

Yes I had a little bit of dairy and animal fat, but just as hints of flavour and not significant calorie wise. I do regret the sugar in my coffee each morning, but not eating anything else processed after breakfast helps alleviate the tiny bit of guilt trying to worm it's way into my psyche.

I seem to have almost shaken the virus that was trying to take me down earlier this week, but all of the Immune support has done it's job and I'm feeling good; no congestion, no sore throat, and only the tiniest of chills after eating my soup - but that's probably the breeze coming in my window after eating a hot bowl of soup.

Time to put  my feet up and watch the American Idol that taped last night and see what a mess they are making of choosing the top contestants. (Please choose the talent!)

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Mixed salad w\ baby kale and assorted lettuces, romaine, chick peas, peppers, onion, cauliflower, mushrooms  and pepitas with a small amount of Greek yogurt dressing tossed in.
Dinner:  homemade veggie soup

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

A little work, a little nap

Another short day at work. As soon as all pending tasks were complete and I was feeling tired I booked it home, stopping for curly fries and lunch for M in case he was home and hungry. Another afternoon nap, and I woke without sniffles or a sore throat.

R brough home Big Hero 6 and we had an impromptu family movie night. I laughed more than I expected and it turned out to be a fun movie.

Back to bed early and more extra Immune and I should be good to go tomorrow.

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  curly fries, last of Asian salad
Dinner:  potato with sour cream, a couple of A's fries

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Another lunch out, no dashboard dining

Woke on time but snuggled in bed watching tv, then in a rush to leave I didn't pack lunch. Going to Costco at lunch I told myself no pizza but wasn't really sure what would happen. But I found a new green smoothie blend, all organic, with quinoa and  that was my lunch. Typical banana flavour when a blend is hiding the taste of wheatgrass, but good. And filling thanks to the quinoa?

Home early with sniffles, aches and chills.

Rats. Off to bed with a Shaklee Immunity tablet, a cup of cinnamon chai tea with almond milk and a couple of extra Orenda Immune capsules. I will beat whatever this is before it takes hold.

Up for a light dinner and more tea with cinnamon and I'm done.

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Froothie? I'll check the label tomorrow
Dinner:  1 toasted quinoa patty on a bowl of Costco's Asian salad mix

Monday, February 23, 2015

Soup - a good decision

Back to work after getting lunch. The Thai Curry soup at the Noodle place was wonderful. Curry    Soup: Yellow coconut curry broth, spinach, cabbage, mushrooms, tomato, red onion and rice noodle

I could have wished for a little bit more spice, but noodle soup was my goal and I am satisfied. Next time I will add veggies and maybe tofu since they offer organic.

Tax season, back to work.

Breakfast: decaff and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Noodle soup  , honey greek yogurt with blackberries
Dinner:  (2) 21 grain toast with thin sliced Sargento cheddar

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Sunday blues

Sunny and cold out, it was hard to get up and get going. The morning began with a movie in bed, breakfast, and a cuddly Kaylee.

I didn't sit all day, running the vacuum, doing a bit more laundry, dishes, and even running an errand to Target kept me on my feet. But the aches and pains are really slowing me down, and I'm not eating well enough to alleviate any of them just now. Big Sigh. I hate being aware of the vicious circle and still not doing anything about it. So Crazy, literally.

But as always I am determined to do better tomorrow. I actually began today, once again dipping into the ibuprofen bottle and drinking ginger water to get the inflammation down. I must keep it up. How I wish I could have a month of Sundays and really focus on taking care of myself. Of course the reality is that I would lie around and eat too much and be even worse off than I am now, my nature being what it has become.

Nine years in a slow decline, with one burst of motivation half way through that I couldn't sustain. But I will do it again. I have decided that I will not reach ten years in this stagnant pathetic shape. It is my new positive affirmation. "Every day I am getting lighter and stronger. I am in less pain and discomfort because I am making good decisions. And on 2/16/16 I will look back and feel proud of myself." I need to tape that on a micro digital recorder and pin it to my shirt so I can play it often. Oh. Wait. I have a brain that can do that.

Lighter and stronger, good decisions, out of pain. I will hypnotize myself.

Breakfast: 21 grain toast, 2 eggs over easy
Lunch:  large chopped cruciferous salad, pecans, bleu cheese vinaigrette 
Dinner:  corn on the cob, onion rings, 1 slice of whole grain w\PB&J

Saturday, February 21, 2015

A Wolf and a Photographer

R made a lovely juice this morning, beets and grapefruit an unexpected delight.

I am spending the day puttering, doing household chores during the commercials of my taped shows. This is a good rhythm for me - up and down, not asking too much of my back all at once. And just now while watching 12 Monkeys I have to pause the tv and write down what one of the characters (Cole) is saying.  "Everyone has two wolves inside of them. Both are starving. One is anger, envy and pride. The other other one is truth, kindness. Every day they tear each other apart. But it's not the better wolf that wins, it's the one you feed."  He is from 2043, and currently back in time, July 2015, relating these words of wisdom that have survived a pandemic.  See here for the complete quote as found by Google. Two Wolves - A Cherokee Parable.

Anyway, I need to start feeding my good wolf, that's what I had to stop and say on this sunny afternoon that I am  spending inside. But I am content, and will be glad of my efforts come this evening when I look back on the day and what I accomplished.

Or not. I was sucked into the movie, Finding Vivian Maier. Fascinating story, great photos, a lingering regret that I did not follow in my grandfather's footsteps as a photographer. So many regrets, and how short a life ends up being. And a day, for it's gone and only a fraction of what I intended was completed.

Speaking of which, I was going to take my video camera with me to Mom's and work on feeling comfortable with it but forgot. Maybe that would be a good project for tomorrow.

Breakfast: fresh juice - cucumber, carrot, ginger, apple, beet, grapefruit, and....?
Lunch:  spicy bite from 7-11  OMG have I finally hit bottom?
Dinner:  left over mashed potatoes and green beans from last night, quarter of a chicken cheese quesadilla

Friday, February 20, 2015

Angel food cake and pineapple

The leftovers from J's fondu birthday at work were out on the counter when I left work and at last I succumbed to the cake. No chocolate was out and I paired a square of angel food cake with a chunk of pineapple and OMG, how delicious! So on the way home I shopped for dinner and picked up a loaf of cake and a pineapple.

Once home I made mashed potatoes and steamed green beans, and yes there was lots of butter, magic mushroom mix (i do so love this stuff) and freshly ground pepper involved.

Too much TV and couch time and it was off to bed early.

Hoping for a spectacular weekend to work in the back yard.

Breakfast: Decaf coffee, sausage muffin
Lunch: Kale salad mix, poppy seed dressing, cauliflower, pepitas
Snack: one bit of angel food cake with fresh pineapple
Dinner:  mashed potatoes, green beans
Dessert: 2 slices angel food loaf with fresh pineapple

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A quick note

Lately I have seen commercials spouting the new TGIT theme. Yes, we are all glad it's Thursday and there is only one day to get through until we can all expound on TGIF. But really, if it's so hard to get through the week something is wrong. Really wrong. While some of us are jealous of the vacation time accrued in other countries, and the grass is admittedly always greener on the other side, would we consider moving to take advantage of this different way of life? No. We are too lazy and ingrained in our ways. The ultimate oxymoron, too lazy to do anything about having more time in which to have more time to be lazy. And in the meantime working ourselves to death. Harrumph.

But I am glad the week is getting on towards the end. The tax prep finished up today for our major CPA vendor without too much mayhem, and I finished another procedure for the Manual that seems like it will never be finished. Go me. But everything is exhausting lately and here I am again just wanting to nap.

I can hear A outside, she must be practicing riding her bike and I have to go take a quick look see.

Dinner, a game of Clue, a new Big Bang and the premiere of The Odd Couple and the day is done.

Breakfast: Decaf coffee, sausage biscuit
Lunch: Kale salad mix, poppy seed dressing, cauliflower, avocado
Snack: fruit dipped in chocolate fondu - work celebration
Dinner:  bean burrito, pot sticker, chow mein, orange chicken

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Checking in

A long day. Staff accountants from the CPA's office going over our records all day, writing procedures to kill time while I wait for requests to pop up, and then ending the day going to a meeting with M. I am tired, but I don't feel bad. Getting in less hugs than usual from A was strange, but we got in some good moments before she headed to bed.

I still can't muster the gumption to skip my fast food breakfast. It kills me to add up the money spent on crap, and to think about the missed opportunity to eat something full of nutrients to start my day. But it will come in time. I know this.

But despite the low quality of some of the food I am eating, I know my calories are down and each day I am hungry at some point and choosing not to eat until my next meal. I'm also getting more water in along with my usual cups of tea. So that's good. And my sugar consumption is still way down, another point for me. And my hand is still free from triggers, more good.

Feeling a little drained tonight, the meeting brought back memories of my husband. I stopped thinking 'if only' about that relationship a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about what we may have missed, what we could of had. But no hard feelings, he had his path to walk just like I do, like Joey did, like we all do. Born alone, take a walk, and die alone. How's that for life on earth in a nutshell.

Signing off, hopefully to dream something amazing.

Breakfast: Decaf coffee, sausage biscuit
Lunch: baked squash and whole grains casserole
Dinner:  Greek yogurt mixed with super food mix of seeds and dried fruits, then most of a bowl of top ramen (I know, it's crap.)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Another Day One

Grief can be cleansing, clearing away cobwebs and unfulfilled intentions from a cluttered psyche. I am calm today, and with the exception of breakfast I made mostly good food choices. Okay, maybe not so much after writing it down - no greens! Sigh. But at least there were no voices in my head about whether to do this or that. I just ate what I wanted when I was hungry.

At lunch the universe reminded me that while my nails are enjoying a period of being longer and stronger than usual, they were not to be admired. Splurging on a manicure I didn't notice how much she had trimmed off. But even short they look nice and I can still drum a little should I happen to become impatient.

 A is having a really emotional evening; perhaps the cafeteria food,  maybe just tired from three days off, who knows. But I will keep my patience and love her and try to help. What else can we do?

In the calm after we have read a little she asks, "Guess What?" "What?" I say. "I love living with  you Grama."  That's my sweetie.

Breakfast: Decaf coffee, sausage biscuit
Lunch: baked squash and whole grains casserole
Dinner:  baked pumpkin slices, whole grain toast w/ avocado and toasted quinoa burger

Monday, February 16, 2015

Nine Years

This morning A took me by the shoulders (she was sitting on my lap) and told me that this was the day that Joey died. And she hugged me tight for a long time. And without crying I said, "Nine years ago today, right now, he was still alive." We did not expand upon the topic, and the day went about as normal as could be. We took turns watching her practice riding her bike, we went to lunch together and brought pie home for dessert. I did dishes and laundry (mundane chores are soothing) and watched a lot of tv. It was just another day for most of the world, but we missed him in our own ways I think, not talking about it much, and just being together.

I still hope he is happier in whatever came next for him. I still hope there was something more for him. No matter what he did as an addict, he was still my little boy, still R's brother ready to laugh and be goofy and draw monsters and aliens, and have I mentioned he was only four when he wanted the training wheels off his bike? He was a good boy, and didn't deserve how his life shook out, and I will always shoulder some of the blame for that. One of my worst memories is of him yelling at me, "What chance did I have?" And one of the best was him holding on to me with all the might of his strong arms when he was just little, and depending on me to protect him. Ironic?

In about an hour and a half nine years ago this night he will be killed in an alleyway in Oakland. What a waste. What a nightmare. How does one live with that?

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Briefly dipping my toes in the pity pool

Wanting the energy but not the fast food I opted to brew the decaf tea that is in the cupboard rather than jet through Mickey D's for coffee this morning. It's such a vicious cycle -  wanting energy which would happen if I ate more plants which would give me energy as well as causing weight loss which would also give me more energy. So its easy, just eat more plants and everything will fall into place. Right

To Do List
Clean front bathroom
File this year's taxes
Clean Room
Clean back yard
Refinance house and put a new roof on the house and maybe install a new floor too

But not today, or tomorrow? Or the next day or the next? How long can one procrastinate? Indefinitely I suppose until there are no more days left. That's more than a little sad as a perspective on life - "Oh I always meant to but never got around to it." Lazy? Uninspired? A missing connection in my brain? All the while my inner true self that is trapped by the physical world screaming to just move, to not eat, to be happy. That's a lot of inner turmoil immobilized by a fat suit; no wonder I usually feel a bit crazy, or wackadoodle as I say to A about anyone acting nuts.

Baby steps? Check one thing off the list? Get help? See a therapist? Inside I know I can do anything I set my mind to doing. I am a hard worker for others, not brilliant but not stupid either, and capable of altering my behavior without a scientist. Aren't I? Got I beat myself up so much over what should be simple daily routines, it kills me. And now I find myself blathering nonsense. Ridiculous.

I just want to go back to bed and cuddle with Kaylee.

Boo-Ya! Taxes filed! Brunch dishes washed and I'm out to watch A ride her bike sans training wheels. Second load of laundry in and I'm going to check the movie listings. Or clean the bathroom.

Breakfast: Decaf tea, honey, almond milk, one perfectly ripe pear with a scoop of honey greek yogurt
Brunch: Nuked and cubed  potato scrambled with caramelized red onions and half a bag (4oz) spinach
Lunch:  half a TJ's Mac n Cheese, leftover macadamia nut & coconut bread pudding

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Hearts Day

I am truly happy this morning, getting so many hugs from A, beautiful flowers and chocolate from my own sweetie R, and breakfast with the girls. My only regret is that M is missing these moments with them. I wish there was a way to help him realize how precious these days are while A is still young and loving and willing to give so much of herself to us all. But we all have our own paths to walk.  And I can't help but wonder how A would have impacted Joey. Just wonder, not wish, I don't go there.

I remember clearly the Valentines day before he died, the small bags of chocolate hearts I gave to each of the kids, and then two days later how I found what was left of his and kept them for years. There is in fact one still left, nestled in with a bowl of rocks on my wardrobe. Small items that he touched, that prove he was here, that he loved and was loved in return - they break my heart but I can't seem to let them go. There are no rules, no control group, no timeline for grief.

I do love the world, and know that eventually I will love being alive as much as ever I did before D-day; it's just a work in progress - maybe for as long as I live. But better that than never having known him, never having watched him play with his big sister and listened to his giggles, never having felt his strong little arms around my neck. I can still treasure those forever. And more importantly, I can still treasure my daughter and the family she has created, because she makes me possible right now.

No more crying, time to get on with another day. And I have a hot date tonight with A, going down to the Railroad Cafe for an early amazing dinner while her 'rents have a quiet dinner out by themselves.

Breakfast: whole grain toast with butter, pb and apricot jam
2nd Breakfast: Egg over easy on tater tots, 1 slice of bacon, 1 perfectly ripe pear
Lunch:  Greek yogurt with blackberries
Dinner:  prime rib, loaded potatoe, veggie soup
Dessert: half a cherry cobbler

Friday, February 13, 2015

Counting down the days

The day pulled me kicking and screaming out of bed on the heels of an emotionally draining episode of Grey's Anatomy. That's what I get for waking up at five and watching the boob tube instead of getting up and doing stretching exercises or movement videos or whatever else I could\should have been doing.

My morning at work began on a difficult note; I have a friend there who senses when I am upset and my words just come tumbling out with my tears. She should look into being a therapist.

A long meeting, followed by a greasy lunch left me feeling queasy - ugh. Then home and comfy clothes and a small dinner and a really long game of Clue with the girls.

"It's all good". Walking and breathing, walking and breathing. I shouldn't be afraid of a day, shouldn't stress over it before it gets here, shouldn't be counting down. Like any other day it will arrive and then disappear in the blink of an eye. It's just a day.

Breakfast: Decaf, sausage muffin
Lunch:  grilled cheese, onion rings
Dinner:  potato, butter, sour cream

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Try Try Try

I realized yesterday that I had let the 'I don't care' playing card back into the deck. Too much talk at work about death, too much Dday pressure on myself, and I've lost the ability to dredge up even an inkling of good intentions this morning. Well, that's not exactly true, I did pack good food for lunch and a juice to drink on the way home - at some point a good habit can save one from a bad choice.

But mindlessly eating pizza last night I realized I had stopped trying again. Why can't my moods of determination last longer? That appears to be the big challenge; keeping that spark alive and well. Apparently (A's favorite new expression) writing every day is not enough, I need another point of reinforcement during the day. Maybe at lunch instead of trolling Target I should browse healthy sites. I have been meaning to figure out how to easily transform my workstation to standing for part of each day, it would help if I could actually do that. Just a triangular table top would do it. Maybe I should ask M to build me one. I will take measurements today! Of my desk at work, not my waist.

Speaking of which, I am not posting my weight this Thursday after last night's gluttony. Moving on.

The day is just about over, and I am proud to say I turned it around. Finished up my work and left the office early after googling standing work stations for ideas. The first thrift shop I stopped at had an oak table with almost the exact measurements I had decided I needed. The legs and sides were a hideous fabric and it was on wheels, but the price was right at ten bucks. With help from M we disassembled it, removing the top and saving inside oak support beams to use for legs. Now I just need brackets to attached them after M cuts them down to size. Some sanding and staining and it will be good to go. Now to convince the boss to provide a wall mount monitor and I'll be all set. Whoo hoo. An idea, a plan, and hopefully this weekend a follow through to completion. Imagine that.

While at the thrift shop I had to take a look around and came home with a couple of board games. A, R and I played our first game of Clue and A declared it her new favorite game. lol, she loves the weapons! So did I at her age, who wouldn't? Anyway, it was a nice change from Monopoly.

I feel like I decided to get my good mood back today, and then it happened. Now, to do it again tomorrow! Try Try Try!

Breakfast: Decaf, sausage muffin
Lunch:  home made grains, roasted veggies, and sr cream
Snack: 2 pt ice cream cone
Dinner:  Chopped salad

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Happy Birthday Mom

Lets see, I am 59 and was born when my Ma'ma was 23- so she is 82? No way! She's 35! Crazy. We are reminded in little ways all the time how quickly our lives pass by, but it is in our nature to believe we will live forever, and no matter how well prepared we may be for the passing of a loved one it is always a surprise. I hope she has many happy years left, she is my Mother, and I love her.  May that particular surprise be far in the future.

Today was a grind, working on procedures at work and wishing I could go out into the beautiful day to walk. Now at home and full of pizza I am ready for a nap, but there is a child to spend time with and a movie to watch.

Breakfast: Decaf, sausage muffin
Lunch:  home made grains, roasted veggies, and sr cream
Dinner:  3 slices pepperoni pizza

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A little sour cream changes everything

The last time I was intent on losing weight my big  'cheat' was usually bread and cheese, or to be more accurate, processed grains and dairy. Any kind. But it worked, it provided air in the room of deprivation, and kept me from lashing out. I bring this up because today;s lunch was awesome. I had a small bowl of my grain/veggie mixture and added ground pepper and a spoonful of sour cream. Magic. Just like that. It was so delicious I ate the second half that I had kept in reserves afraid it might not be wonderful. I needn't have worried, roasted butternut squash is always the life of the party.

This is the time of year at work where I have some breathing space to make sure all processing is on track, update files, and make ready for tax season. I am so thankful to have this job, and for J who keeps me sane.

On the way home I stopped at TJ's for more sour cream, wanting to repeat the experience tomorrow, and while there picked up some items for R which ended up with me having a burger for dinner. Black bean and quinoa pattie, on a toasted honey wheat bun, with avocado, pickle, tomato, lettuce, mustard, mayo and ketchup. YUM.

Tired and off to bed early; okay, so business as usual.

Breakfast: Decaf, sausage muffin
Lunch:  home made grains, roasted veggies, and sr cream
Dinner:  Quinoa burger with all the fixins
Dessert: Honey Greek Yogurt, diced fresh strawberries, chopped pecans

Monday, February 9, 2015

How sweet is this

I must begin my blog with arriving home from work. Here is a pic of my greeting in front of the door mat. (You may thank the wind storms for the debris - the landscapers come Wednesday.)

A's reading is coming along very quickly, and her writing skills are following closely; not knowing how to spell something doesn't slow her up at all. She either sounds it out or asks. I love it, I think we all do. I am thinking she wrote this for me because they were leaving for softball practice and knew I would be coming home to a house of hungry dogs and no people. I may be reading a lot into this, but I can think what i want until I find out otherwise.That's my sweetie*

I forgot my salad for lunch on the coffee table, but had taken a bottle of juice to drink on the way home. So I drank my lunch after inhaling 600 calories of shortbread cookies (link below.) Typical year; dieting and girl scout cookies arrive around the same time.

I'm off to kitchen duty while listening to my latest book while it is quiet up front.

Breakfast: Decaf, sausage muffin
Lunch:  home made juice
Snack: one sleeve of girl scout Trefoil cookies 
Dinner:  SALAD

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Shopping Cooking Eating

We all slept in this morning and I wasn't up until 8:30. Awesome. Then A and I went shopping, stopping for hot chocolate and decaf respectively on the way. Once home I made us eggs on toast - the new bread is so delicious! Alpine Valley Honey Chia.

I threw A's laundry in and we watched some Harry Potter - the movies are our friends and a rainy afternoon is the perfect time to visit. I even spent part of the time on the floor stretching various bits and pieces of this stiff old body.

I roasted a butternut squash, carrots & sunchoke, sauted onions and peppers, and cooked the last of the bags of both barley and farro that were hanging out in the cupboard. I added magic mushroom mix to the onions, then tossed everything together with a tablespoon of red miso. Now I have a large container to share out for lunches or dinners depending on my mood.

After lunch I made meatballs, and sauteed mushrooms, onions & zucchini to add to some marinara and chunk it up. Mostly I made the meatballs for the fam, I did eat a couple, well three because they were delicious, but the rest will be for them. The only sausage I was able to find at Safeway without sugar or monosodium glutamate was an organic chicken blend, and as it turns out it worked well. Chicken sausage in meatballs, who knew?

Another load of A's laundry and my chores are done for the day, thanks to R doing my dishes. If I look at my food log I can see how crazy weekends can be with a processed grain at every meal. But I am not hungry and I even feel satisfied - not always an achievable state of being - and it's a good feeling on a Sunday evening.

And speaking of Sunday evening, the screaming from the bathroom has just commenced.

 Breakfast: Honey Chia toast with one egg over easy
Lunch:  cucumber, cheese, pretzel roll sandwich
Snack: 4 teeny tangerines
Dinner:  Spaghetti and meatballs

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Saturday's Juice

8:30 am
I don't want to write my intentions, for fear they will not materialize. I want to flow through the day letting my actions guide me without thought or mental battles; I would like a day without crazy.

9:38 am
Juicing done, enough for the weekend I think.

4 cucumbers          2 sm oranges
3 lg carrots           1 lg lemon
1 med red beet     3 small kiwis
2" sliced ginger     1 can coconut water

A little bit too much fruit, but better in me than wasted in the recycling bin? Maybe. But it's delicious, and I feel the need to 'cleanse' after yesterday, and the past week. The glass bottles we save come in very handy for mornings like this, and I will probably drink three today and two tomorrow. Not that it matters, just getting in all the nutrients, that is what matters. I will make a bean soup at some point this weekend, after cleaning out the fridge. I know I have spinach to use up, and a butternut squash. I do love having left overs to have for lunches all week.

Laundry in, audio book in ear, time to rest my back then get on with the weekend chores. Oh, and taxes, that. Ugh, maybe later this evening in lieu of snacking after dark. Maybe.

2:03 pm
Us girls ran to the tea shoppe and Walmart this afternoon, and now I am puttering with more laundry and some solitaire while they watch a good movie. I am tired and just want to lay down and watch another taped show. Maybe I will. I am guessing I will have more energy tomorrow. Or hoping I will, something like that.

5:46 pm
R baked up some delicious home made brownies, and while still baking the smell drove me down to pick up a pint of vanilla ice cream. I also chopped and pan toasted some pecans finishing them with brown sugar. Chewey and the perfect foil for the warm brownies. Yum. A fun treat on a rainy day.

9:43 pm
Long afternoon of TV, and mostly laying around. But I do feel rested now, and calm. I have new nighttime tea freshly brewed, and the relief that comes from the day being over. Sad that, but sleep has always been my friend, my escape at the end of the day.

 Breakfast: fresh juice
Lunch:  potato, sauteed mushrooms, sour cream
Snack: banana, peanut butter (organic, just peanuts and salt)
Dinner:   tossed salad, blue cheese vinaigrette 
Dessert: home made brownie, B&J vanilla ice cream, toasted pecans w\ brown sugar
Late bite: one wing stop chicken nugget

Friday, February 6, 2015

Bits and Pieces

The past two days flew by, and I must be fighting off a bug because I was even more tired than usual. Of course going back to work after almost a week off is hard too. Nothing unusual or different about the food I ate, no extra activities. Just glad to be home with the family and catching up on some TV shows.

But I felt guilty when I realized I hadn't written anything in two days, my unofficial goal being to write everyday to keep myself accountable for not just my food but my mood too. Which is still stable. Yes, a little tension this time of year, but I am hoping for the weather to clear and be able to make it to the beach on the 16th.

And back to work, no rest for the wicked. I will not let the sad overtake me.

Late Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage muffin
Lunch:  Evolution Super Green
Dinner:  potato, sauteed mushrooms, sour cream, one slice pepperoni pizza

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

A little sad, a little glad

I think about Joey every day, and it only makes sense that as we get closer to his D day my thoughts sometimes take a turn for the worse. I was glad for work load that kept me preoccupied most of the day, and when my office mate asked if it was a 'bacon day' I agreed that it was. It's our code for "I'm struggling, how is YOUR state of mind? Should we indulge?" We don't do it often, and for some reason it helps. But the day was spent with a small dark cloud of sad hanging over me.

I sometimes wish I could clean house upstairs and focus more on the family I have right here instead of on the one who is gone. I don't think I let it interfere too much with real life, but I know it is probably apparent that I am still not 'all here' at times.

Anyway, not the food day I had planned. I was up late, drove through for breakfast, had take out for lunch, and probably didn't drink enough water. I'm tempted to look up calories but I really don't have the energy, and I am not looking forward to 'weighing in' on Thursday.

A and I took our Tuesday trip to the little library around the corner, and once home we chipped away at her homework - me only hurting her feelings once! God I can be insensitive and she can be super sensitive; what a pair! But we hugged and are fine and the homework is finished. She does have a way of making me glad of my blessings.

Now I need to find the dragonfly punch for a project she has to work on for school, and do my dinner dishes.

Late Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage muffin
Lunch:  BLT from Mr. Pickles
Dinner:  sprouted whole grain toast with cheddar, tossed salad with pecans, cucumbers, tomatoes

Monday, February 2, 2015

"On the road again"

SoCal: I have enjoyed being able to make fresh coffee at home these past few days, but I must say I wouldn't want to have to mess about with grounds every morning before work. So I know the habit has to go, and I need to find something to make in the morning that will keep me from driving through. Maybe it's time to hit the tea shoppe and see what they have that would work as a replacement. Something robust and herbal.

Lots to do this morning; sheets to put in the laundry, gathering up all my stuff, packing.  It has been a good visit despite our differences, and having been  able to de-stress here helped. As always I am looking forward to being home, and thinning out my clutter. Mother is 'surrounded' by so much that she is likely to disappear one day. I wonder if I should try to do anything about it. A thought for another day.

NorCal: An uneventful drive home, which is why I time my trips for weekdays, and an afternoon spent catching up on my taped shows after a quick trip to the grocery store. I have everything I need to either juice or make a smoothie in the morning depending on when I get up. Having turned over and slept in the past two days I am not sure what to expect in the morning, but no matter when I do get up, I am determined to make breakfast here and not drive through. I definitely did not eat my quota of veggies today and need to do better tomorrow.

I also need to do laundry but that can wait. I just need to finish loading up my iPod and unpacking my bag. It's good to be home, to read with my girls, and be surrounded by my own stuff. It's especially good to have a small child in my lap. (I know she had a busy weekend and most likely didn't really miss me, but it's nice for her to say she did.)

Checking out with a good attitude, and ready to go back to work in the morning. Where I will ask for time off in July! And August.

Late Breakfast: Decaff,  muffin with pb and j
Lunch:  two bean burritos from Taco Bell
Dinner:  cheese and cucumber sandwich on a pretzel roll 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

OMG it's February, aka Superbowl Sunday

Mom and I have chatted a few times about what to eat today. I asked what snacks sounded good and she said chicken wings, which led to a confusing conversation about Domino's pizza and Wing Stop. That was Thursday. Friday we debated what size bread we would be able to find to make a small enough garlic bread, and yesterday driving past the corner where apparently chicken wings can be had she mentioned I could drive down if I felt like it. This morning she wonders if we should go get pot stickers at TJ's since I won't eat the chicken wings anyway. Sigh. I suggested we use the ripe avocado to make guacamole and eat it with her whole wheat crackers for an appetizer, then make the stir fry we had already shopped for on Friday for dinner.

Back from breakfast, veggies prepped for dinner, and the first snack consumed. It's so sunny and hot in the backyard I have to go lay out for a moment...

I ended up puttering out back doing small things I knew Mom would appreciate. I was also afraid of breaking the old straps on the chaise lounges! Then in for the game, a couple of fun commercials, and dinner during the half time show. An exciting and semi-controversial ending to the game and four tiny chocolate chip cookies later and a long day feels like it's finally over. As is my visit. In the morning I pack and leave for home. My back is pinching, and it pisses me off that the little I've done is enough to trigger the pain. Grrrr. But I am on the right track, and if I can keep losing 5lbs a month I'll be 25lbs lighter the next time I am down. I can and will do this.

     Mom, "All we need now is a bowl of ice cream."
     Me, "If you like I can run down and get some."
     Mom, "I can't have any ice cream!"
     Me, "Hey, you're the one who said you wanted some."
     Mom, "It's too bad we don't have any ice cream to have with these cookies."
     I kept my mouth shut.

Late Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage biscuit
Pre game Snacks: wheat crackers with guacamole and 1/2 a ginger beer each, spring rolls w/ sweet and sour sauce
Early dinner:  stir-fry with marinated tofu over brown rice
Dessert: four of TJ's small chocolate chip cookies