BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 7

This Boot Camp module is about modifying the program to fit you, your life, your needs. But first she is very clear about the program. It works just as written. And it's doable for the long run one day at a time, but it's not for the feint of heart. Am I feint of heart? Is that why I haven't stuck to the plan? Or is it because I haven't gotten coaching around why I'm unable to follow the plan as written? My goal right now is to work through this and figure that out.

Modify the program: This should be narrow, well defined, and designed to serve me in the long term. Motives matter, and the higher we are on the susceptibility scale (SS) the less we should mess with the plan. I'm a blazing ten for sure, but I have wanted to change the program from the beginning. More about that later.

The four questions: When introducing a new food be sure to pay attention by asking these four questions.  1. Do I have peace around it or is it lighting me up?  2. Is it healthy?  3. Is it messing with my weight?  4. Is it escalating?  If NO is the answer to the first three, or YES is the answer to number four then this is not something you should be eating. We are trying to heal from dopamine resistance, not seeking new hits.  I've known all along that cheese lights me up, as does peanut butter. They are often part of the reason I have to rezoom each morning. Clearly addictive for me, which is why it's so hard to give them up, but I see that it must be done. Heaven help me.

Plan wisdom:  This plan isn't a nod to hope, it's based on thousands of years experience. Or as she says, from the experience of thousands of people working a program for decades. And I am living testimony to her thoughts on messing with the plan. Don't do it, it can be heartbreakingly hard to get back on program. "The power of food addiction is that sometimes you can't put the tiger back in the cage."  The plan as written is easy when you stick to it, it only becomes hard when you break your lines. That is when you lose the magic, and some people never get it back.      I refuse to be that person, I will get it back. I will.

It's Hard:  Losing your favorite numbing agent, facing life without it, is hard. It just is, and sometimes it takes a long time. So true. I think my first memory of using food as a drug was when I was about 10? I am sneaking up the wooden stairs that lead from my bedroom to the kitchen, being quiet and careful to miss the creaky bits. Then quietly getting into the fridge and getting out slices of cheese, or even better a slice of cheese and a slice of leftover roast. The memory of that first bite says with me even today; the texture and taste of that bite are preserved like a bug in amber within me. Funny that I can't remember if I ate my snack (purloined goods?) in the kitchen or if I slunk back down to my bed to eat. It's just sneaking up the stairs and that bite. I know now that it was a numbing agent used to get through being molested by my brother. But it wasn't until BLE and the lifting of the brain fog that I was able to make that connection. Then came doing parts work and I really felt like I was making progress. I need to make a note to myself here that while my childhood home is gone, visiting my Mother still triggers me. I'm going to live with her full time starting this September, and I am actually looking forward to doing some more parts work and putting this behind me. That little girl is still a part of me, but we've done some healing together, and it's time to move on.

Come all the way in and sit all the way down: Sometimes it takes a while for the bran to heal - she restates this many times in the module- and there is no shame of blame associated with your journey. "Take an honest look at your actions and plan." I think honesty is one of the ways I am growing. I think quieting the 'rationalizer' part that wants to lie to me all the time has been one of my successes. There are still a couple I need to work with, to love and bring into the fold, and again, I'm looking forward to more parts work. The healing ritual of pretty little black birds flying away with my seeds of pain and doubt and nightmare comes to me often and lightens my soul.

Clothes:  Wait until goal weight to buy a new wardrobe. 

Losing Slow: Choose lighter foods. Lose the starchy veggies, nut butters, and oil.  lol, all of the things that light me up!  Losing slowly better prepares you for maintenance, it's not a bad thing. If fact it's better than losing quickly and then not being prepared for the sudden change.

Sleep:  Not getting enough sleep can stall weight-loss.  This continues to be a problem. I don't want to go in for a sleep study because I know losing weight will solve the problem. But will I be able to lose weight if I don't solve the sleep problem?  Once I am down south and have a new doctor I will address this. I promise.

Cycle of Honesty:  Awareness >> Inventory >> Sharing >>  Freedom.  This is one of the benefits of working in a small group, you have somewhere to share, get feedback, and find freedom from angst when making a change.  This is the later I referenced earlier. Last night in Bootie Camp I spoke a little about depression and my history with food addiction, and how I missed my morning green smoothies. We discussed a bit about how we don't blend foods in BLE, but for my circumstances (depression) it was agreed that I would try this for a week. And I even have company! I have a green smoothie buddy! We will chat everyday, analyze how we are doing, and keep asking the four questions. 

There are no outside Issues:  We are doing BLE through everything and anything. Connect, share, explore, it all matters. This is not a diet club, it's a food addiction recovery program where we can learn to walk through life with love and integrity and Bright Lines.

Motives:  You can go anywhere and do anything if your motives are pure 💙

Each week in Bootie Camp I become more hopeful. I know I can do this.  But I need to run, a child is waiting for me to help him defeat a bad guy on the switch.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 6

This module is about traveling, and the main point is that you need to plan. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" as the old adage goes. The strongest statement was that you must do whatever it takes to keep your Bright Lines.

The only traveling I do is back and forth to my Mother's. Sometimes I do well, and eat my packed meals as I drive up and down Highway 5. Other times I have let my narrator run wild and have used the trip to eat fast food. Other times it's a little of each. But the truth is that when I plan to succeed I do. And when I don't, I fail. So there is the truth in that!

Another important idea is that when you travel you don't just take your food, you take the whole program. I will say that in each of the bags I normally use to travel I keep a pen, glasses, and a small journal so that I am never unprepared. I also take my computer with me so I can work during my visits, but to also stay connected with the BLE community. Each day at some point I sign on to give support where I can, thereby strengthening my own resolve. I am hoping that at some point the cumulative result of these small efforts will be a more solid mindset for myself.

Meditation:  I try to do this every morning, sometimes longer than others, but at least for a few minutes to start each day.

Nightly check list:  I have tried, and I cannot do this. It becomes about what I am not doing and getting frustrating, and succumbing to the WTH effect which ends up in me stuffing my face. Not good.  Instead I have kept my habit stacks small and doable. I cannot let BLE take over my life, for me that would defeat the whole purpose of finding freedom.

Reader: Another fail on my part, I just can't read 'inspirational' gobbeldy gook - it makes me crazy. Instead I listen to music while I work and 'do a little dance' when the mood strikes. I would rather find something to make me laugh than reading something that tells me I am okay. Seriously.

Brain Fog: She speaks to this lifting as we detox from sugar and flour. And this did happen for me. I believe this is what made it possible for me to do parts work in BLE Freedom, and to re-evaluate some pivotal moments in my past; some healed and some with work still to do, with finally a clear mind. The times I have given up and eaten whatever for a few days I feel horrible both physically and mentally - depression a lurking side effect of eating badly. And yes, I can just hear the voices berating me for saying 'eating badly'. So how about I say, when I disregard the SCIENCE that shows why eating certain foods results in depression, it makes me feel badly. How about that.

Habits:  These form the foundation and scaffolding of the program, letting automaticity take root. Stacking habits that are linked together by time and location cues strengthens our willpower muscle. It doesn't extend willpower, it strengthens it. So that just saying no becomes easier. So that turning away from what hurts us is easier. So that we are more resistant to willpower depletion as we go through the day checking emails and making a million little decisions. I've been more aware lately of how often I make decisions. Take this afternoon in the pool with the grandkids. C has just learned to swim, so I am monitoring him and making decisions about where I am in the pool;  am I close enough to save him , am I too far away for safety. It's constant.

So there are things I am doing that seem to work for me, and others that I am not because they make me nuts. Sometimes I have to look at the program with a side of common sense and trust that I know what is best for me. Maybe that is why I am not being successful, but I choose to think that it's just taking me longer. Because a part of me is just that stubborn.