Down 20.8 pounds in 20 weeks. Awesome. Could it have been more? Sure. Would it have made me crazy? Probably. Is what I am doing sustainable? Absolutely! I mean, I had buttered toast and sausage for breakfast. Not that I always have that, or would want to, but it feels rather indulgent for someone who is losing weight.
The past two weeks I have lost weight while: recognizing the 14th anniversary of my son's death, the arrival of Girl Scout Cookies, and a road trip to visit my Mom. Unbelievable comes to mind under what use to be my 'normal' circumstances. But that was then, this is now, and under the auspices of my new 'normal', entirely plausible. Awesome, in fact. And it's all Bright Line Eating.
My urges for fast food are no longer insurmountable, and it's getting easier all the time to just say no. I still struggle sometimes with midnight snacking, but it's just a small token snack, not a meal in the middle of the night snack. And I know that the more often I keep my lines bright, the easier and faster the road to recovery will be. The decision to drive home for dinner was once a huge battle every single day leaving work, now there is usually no decision to be made, I just drive home for dinner. And on the days I do think of stopping for a bite on the way home, it's usually just a thought I can brush aside. Every once in a while it's still a bit of a challenge, but those days come only rarely and I always win.
So yes, Bright Line Eating is still working for me, and I can see how easy it will be to continue eating this way for...the rest of my life. Along the way I will be able to stop weighing my food so often, but right now there is comfort and security in knowing I am eating enough to be satisfied and still lose weight. That is important. Looking back through my journal there has always been something that in the past would have been an excuse to eat. Above were just the recent hurdles that would have normally driven me off track. Over the past 20 weeks there was also: dentist appointments, Halloween, Birthday, worksgiving, numerous times alone, Thanksgiving, more dentist, another potluck, Christmas, New Years, death in the family, superbowl, yet another potluck, and Valentines.
And I lost weight.
I remember thinking many times over the course of my life how wonderful it would be if I could just lose a pound a week for the next year. This was a compromise to the 2+ pounds a week some plans would promise. But making that pound a week wish was just that, a wish, because I never believed I could do it. Not in my heart of hearts.
Susan B Thompson has made me a believer, and I am living my wish. I know this is a rather manic post. But it's the first time in my life I have ever lost 20 pounds while attempting to lose weight, and I am ecstatic. I remember now that in the beginning when I started BLE, I told myself that I would have a piece of pizza when I reached 20 pounds to 'celebrate'. But that doesn't seem so important this morning. Instead I find I am more interested than ever in keeping my lines bright. In wearing a bathing suit this Summer. In being able to care for my grandchildren when I retire in two years.
But you know, that being said, my Birthday is looming, and there will be cake! Pineapple upside down cake to be more precise. But I know now that if I choose to have a piece of cake, it will be okay. If I choose to not eat a piece of cake, that will also be okay, and there won't be repercussions to either decision. Because ultimately it's just another day.
And that's how this works, one day at a time.
Thanks Susan, for making this girl's wish come true.
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Thursday, February 27, 2020
It's just a taco
I realized this evening that while I may think I just miss eating whatever I want, that may not be true anymore. Because tonight I wanted a taco from Taco Bell, and so I had one. It was after my dinner when the kids returned home with boxes of fast food. I should have waited until the kitchen cleared out, but instead I opted to eat a taco instead of waiting and making a salad. And for a moment it felt good; the crunch, the spice, the sour cream. But the last bite was not as good as the first, and all at once I had a mild stomach ache. Nothing alarming, just an unwelcome heaviness and the feeling of something not quite right.
It was just an impulse that I acted upon; while I wasn't really hungry it just all of a sudden seemed like something I wanted to do, and so I did. And I'm not happy about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not devastated or upset or anything, just a little disappointed. And mostly because of the way my stomach feels, not so much the actual breaking of a bright line or two. At least this will serve as a reminder that there are consequences to putting crap in my mouth.
(b) Cheese and triscuits, orange segments
(l) Beef & Barley soup (full of green beans & carrots), Sun Chips & an apple
(d) Beef stew, peas, flourless toast with cheese, taco
The stew was light on protein being the last of the leftovers, and so I had pulled out the cheese to add protein. The toast was a natural companion. Of course if I knew I was going to have a taco I would have skipped the bread, but C'est la vie. It's just a taco.
My goal this coming weekend is to prep a container of salad fixings so that it's easier to make weeknight salads. That is definitely a challenge for me. As long as I'm eating salads most of the time it's okay; just another compromise that keeps my weight loss a little slower than it could be. But one has to take into consideration the value of one's sanity, no? Sometimes the salad has to go.
Okay, stuff to do; C has pretty much wrecked my room, and I haven't done a sudoku puzzle in a while. And I think I hear a cup of tea calling me. Yes, definitely time for tea.
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Tired
Just another day. Nothing exciting or exceptional to write about. I should have taken better notes while down south as I didn't have my laptop and thought of several things I wanted to write about. One was hot flashes; I've had two recently and I'm wondering if my body is just adjusting to the new weight and working on regulating my temperature. Who knows, certainly I am not finding it an interesting topic this evening.
I think I am just tired. Listening to Super Why isn't helping, I do not find this show of C's engaging like Bubble Guppies. But he loves it.
(b) cheese and triscuits, tiny seedless grapes
(l) chile verde, corn, banana
(d) stew, consisting of 6 oz carrots & potatoes and 4 oz meat, green salad
R made breakfast sausage last week and I'll have some of that for breakfast tomorrow, and the last of the stew for lunch, but I will finally need to cook for dinner. After watching Super Size Me 2; Holy Chicken I don't think I can use a grocery roaster as a quick dinner anymore. I think I'll prep veggies tonight so I can make bean soup in the instant pot; that's quick and I can eat a salad while I wait. Driving past the herds of cows waiting for slaughter has reminded me I enjoyed being a vegetarian, and it's about time I headed back down that road.
I'll have the kidlets this coming Saturday night while their parents spend a night away. Heaven knows they need a break, and I know we'll have fun. I think I am mixing up antecedents but you get the drift.
Time for tea and PJs; while it's way to early for bed it's not too early to relax. I'll bet C is up for a game of blocks or stacking or something. And tired or not, that's something I can always find the energy to do. Time flies by so quickly when they are little and sweet and loving, I know enough to grab every moment I can, tired or no.
I think I am just tired. Listening to Super Why isn't helping, I do not find this show of C's engaging like Bubble Guppies. But he loves it.
(b) cheese and triscuits, tiny seedless grapes
(l) chile verde, corn, banana
(d) stew, consisting of 6 oz carrots & potatoes and 4 oz meat, green salad
R made breakfast sausage last week and I'll have some of that for breakfast tomorrow, and the last of the stew for lunch, but I will finally need to cook for dinner. After watching Super Size Me 2; Holy Chicken I don't think I can use a grocery roaster as a quick dinner anymore. I think I'll prep veggies tonight so I can make bean soup in the instant pot; that's quick and I can eat a salad while I wait. Driving past the herds of cows waiting for slaughter has reminded me I enjoyed being a vegetarian, and it's about time I headed back down that road.
I'll have the kidlets this coming Saturday night while their parents spend a night away. Heaven knows they need a break, and I know we'll have fun. I think I am mixing up antecedents but you get the drift.
Time for tea and PJs; while it's way to early for bed it's not too early to relax. I'll bet C is up for a game of blocks or stacking or something. And tired or not, that's something I can always find the energy to do. Time flies by so quickly when they are little and sweet and loving, I know enough to grab every moment I can, tired or no.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
A Long Weekend
The drive South was uneventful, but even more important it was very beautiful. Pink orchards nestling into bright green foothills and smoky olive coastal mountains kept my eyes busy glancing hither and yon to soak in the sights. I don't usually travel down highway 5 this time of year, and was nicely surprised. There were also several large herds of sheep with lots of lambs, another nice diversion on a long ride. Well, not that long, four and a half hours. But I still appreciated how lovely it was compared to other trips I've made down that road. And I've been doing that for over 45 years now. Crazy. But that's what happens when you leave home, eventually you end up going back to visit. At least that's my story.
We had great meals (meatballs & chile verde), and I used the 'one plate' method instead of weighing my food. We had roasted veg and salads each night too. I did weigh myself Saturday Morning, and it showed 213.5 - .1 pound more than my last weight up here. But I weighted yesterday before I left and it was 212.5. So I'm calling it a win for food over the weekend. I still have no idea how her scale compares to mine here at home so it will be interesting to see my weight next Saturday.
I would love to be able to report that I was perfect on the drives, but I did have criss cut fries as my cooked vegetable for lunch on the way down, and snacked on mixed nuts on the drive back. I would also love to be able to report that I didn't break any Bright Lines, but I had cookies two nights and a graham cracker with peanut butter another. And by night I mean 'middle of' the night. No biggie, the cookies were very small and I only had a few. A small price to pay for midnight angst.
(b) cheese & crackers, banana
(l) left over chile verde, corn
(d) pork chop, kale salad
Back on track, I drove home tired after working 2 hours overtime and had a Bright Line meal. Well, almost, C had eaten all the broccoli and I was tired.
So feeling good about my trip, and R has left overs in the fridge I can share for meals tomorrow until I have time to cook.
We had great meals (meatballs & chile verde), and I used the 'one plate' method instead of weighing my food. We had roasted veg and salads each night too. I did weigh myself Saturday Morning, and it showed 213.5 - .1 pound more than my last weight up here. But I weighted yesterday before I left and it was 212.5. So I'm calling it a win for food over the weekend. I still have no idea how her scale compares to mine here at home so it will be interesting to see my weight next Saturday.
I would love to be able to report that I was perfect on the drives, but I did have criss cut fries as my cooked vegetable for lunch on the way down, and snacked on mixed nuts on the drive back. I would also love to be able to report that I didn't break any Bright Lines, but I had cookies two nights and a graham cracker with peanut butter another. And by night I mean 'middle of' the night. No biggie, the cookies were very small and I only had a few. A small price to pay for midnight angst.
(b) cheese & crackers, banana
(l) left over chile verde, corn
(d) pork chop, kale salad
Back on track, I drove home tired after working 2 hours overtime and had a Bright Line meal. Well, almost, C had eaten all the broccoli and I was tired.
So feeling good about my trip, and R has left overs in the fridge I can share for meals tomorrow until I have time to cook.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Road Trip Prep
I stopped on the way home to stock up on groceries for the meals I am going to make at Mom's over the long weekend. On the menu is chili verde & meatballs for dinners with leftovers for lunches, roasted squash, corn, broccoli, and onions for veggies with lunch and dinner. I have cauliflower, green onions, and carrots to supplement the bags of kale & cabbage salad to have with dinners. I'm taking the cooked grains for two breakfasts, and triscuits and Frittata for the 3rd. I have small sweet seedless grapes and strawberries, two 6oz bags each, for fruit plus a small bag of apples. The grapes and berries are to heat up with the grains in the morning to make a jammy deliciousness at breakfast, and the apples are to go with lunches.
I am taking a flannel flat sheet to use while there because no kidding, my Mom has the loudest sheets in the world. I like being cozy in bed, and flannel does it for me. I know it will be a mixed blessing to enjoy the peace and quiet I will find at Mom's while missing the family up here. But it's good for all of us to have a break every once in a while.
I'm looking forward to my visit, and letting my Sister see the fruits of my labour; she is the one who introduced me to Bright Line Eating after all, and will appreciate what I have been doing and the weight loss. She will be there when I arrive tomorrow and is making lentil soup and salad for our dinner. I may have a little pang driving past Tommy's and not picking up their world famous tamales that we usually have the night I arrive, but knowing a bright line meal is waiting for me will make it a no brainer.
(b) Cooked grains, mixed berries - I totally forgot the protein
(l) Sausage, rice & veggie casserole, avocado
(d) Baked beans, corn
Instead of making a salad I prepped fruit for my trip and threw in a load of laundry. My wardrobe right now is very limited as I change sizes. I need to get back to the garage and search for the next set of clothes that will fit. I think I have 18s out there that will fit soon.,
Okay , I'm tired and having a hard time focusing. I just need to jot down a list of what I am taking with me tomorrow, wait for the dryer to finish up, and straighten up my room so the kids can play in here while I am gone.
In the morning I may or may not weigh myself. The scale at Mom's could be deceiving either way so while I may weigh myself Saturday morning as usual, I doubt I will record it. See, meandering. Time to give it up.
I am taking a flannel flat sheet to use while there because no kidding, my Mom has the loudest sheets in the world. I like being cozy in bed, and flannel does it for me. I know it will be a mixed blessing to enjoy the peace and quiet I will find at Mom's while missing the family up here. But it's good for all of us to have a break every once in a while.
I'm looking forward to my visit, and letting my Sister see the fruits of my labour; she is the one who introduced me to Bright Line Eating after all, and will appreciate what I have been doing and the weight loss. She will be there when I arrive tomorrow and is making lentil soup and salad for our dinner. I may have a little pang driving past Tommy's and not picking up their world famous tamales that we usually have the night I arrive, but knowing a bright line meal is waiting for me will make it a no brainer.
(b) Cooked grains, mixed berries - I totally forgot the protein
(l) Sausage, rice & veggie casserole, avocado
(d) Baked beans, corn
Instead of making a salad I prepped fruit for my trip and threw in a load of laundry. My wardrobe right now is very limited as I change sizes. I need to get back to the garage and search for the next set of clothes that will fit. I think I have 18s out there that will fit soon.,
Okay , I'm tired and having a hard time focusing. I just need to jot down a list of what I am taking with me tomorrow, wait for the dryer to finish up, and straighten up my room so the kids can play in here while I am gone.
In the morning I may or may not weigh myself. The scale at Mom's could be deceiving either way so while I may weigh myself Saturday morning as usual, I doubt I will record it. See, meandering. Time to give it up.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Just say no to the Cookies
I felt good today. I even wore earrings for my morning meeting, aware of the need to make a good impression for a new client. The meeting was a success, and things went well at the office for the rest of the day. Hopefully that continues into tomorrow, and I can leave for my short trip with a clear conscious.
While I'm not looking forward to sitting for so long in the car, I am looking forward to driving and listening to a book; just being alone and quiet for a bit. I'm also looking forward to visiting family and spending the weekend cooking Bright Line meals to share with my Mother - my Mother who is anxious for home cooked meatloaf and Oh, looking forward to seeing me too. I had to laugh, I do come by my food addiction honestly. I'll make a batch of my mini meatloaf balls so it's easy for her to freeze and pull one out to slice up for a sandwich when she has the yen.
I may go grocery shopping locally tomorrow, it's so much easier in a familiar store, then pack it all in a cooler to take with me Friday morning. It's only two meals each of breakfast. lunch & dinner. Not much. And that way we can spend more time visiting. My Sister and I are to start labeling heirlooms and such. Mom told me years ago she would live until 90, and that's only two years from now. I really can't think about it, and how fast that time will fly by.
(b) Frittata, triscuits, banana
(s) Fresh pineapple
(l) Steak, roasted veggies
(d) Sausage, rice veggie casserole, avocado
I overheard the family talking about how Girl Scout Cookies will show up tomorrow night. I have felt many times in my life that those cookies were the bane of my dieting. Like so many others I would intend to start dieting in January, finally get around to it in February or so, only to be derailed by boxes of cookies. I so loved opening a sleeve of the Trefoils and curling up with a good book. The memory is so vivid I know I must have done that every year for the past 30 years or so. Not this year, this year I am saying NO to the cookies.
And while it's easy to say that today I have no interest in eating cookies, I am not looking forward to having them in the house tomorrow. Not at all. I am truly hoping that I can admit it would be nice to have one, or some, then ignore them. But cookies and me, we go way back, and they make me nervous. Being at Mom's won't be any better; she keeps canisters of cookies in her cupboard at all times. Good cookies. The triple ginger snaps from Trader Joe's, and the little crisp chocolate chip cookies they carry. I do not need cookies, and I am planning on keeping my Bright Lines intact for the whole time I am there. Sigh, just the fact that I have good intentions makes me feel like I am going to hell - you know, the road paved and all that.
Lord give me the strength. And a cuppa tea. And a lay down.
While I'm not looking forward to sitting for so long in the car, I am looking forward to driving and listening to a book; just being alone and quiet for a bit. I'm also looking forward to visiting family and spending the weekend cooking Bright Line meals to share with my Mother - my Mother who is anxious for home cooked meatloaf and Oh, looking forward to seeing me too. I had to laugh, I do come by my food addiction honestly. I'll make a batch of my mini meatloaf balls so it's easy for her to freeze and pull one out to slice up for a sandwich when she has the yen.
I may go grocery shopping locally tomorrow, it's so much easier in a familiar store, then pack it all in a cooler to take with me Friday morning. It's only two meals each of breakfast. lunch & dinner. Not much. And that way we can spend more time visiting. My Sister and I are to start labeling heirlooms and such. Mom told me years ago she would live until 90, and that's only two years from now. I really can't think about it, and how fast that time will fly by.
(b) Frittata, triscuits, banana
(s) Fresh pineapple
(l) Steak, roasted veggies
(d) Sausage, rice veggie casserole, avocado
I overheard the family talking about how Girl Scout Cookies will show up tomorrow night. I have felt many times in my life that those cookies were the bane of my dieting. Like so many others I would intend to start dieting in January, finally get around to it in February or so, only to be derailed by boxes of cookies. I so loved opening a sleeve of the Trefoils and curling up with a good book. The memory is so vivid I know I must have done that every year for the past 30 years or so. Not this year, this year I am saying NO to the cookies.
And while it's easy to say that today I have no interest in eating cookies, I am not looking forward to having them in the house tomorrow. Not at all. I am truly hoping that I can admit it would be nice to have one, or some, then ignore them. But cookies and me, we go way back, and they make me nervous. Being at Mom's won't be any better; she keeps canisters of cookies in her cupboard at all times. Good cookies. The triple ginger snaps from Trader Joe's, and the little crisp chocolate chip cookies they carry. I do not need cookies, and I am planning on keeping my Bright Lines intact for the whole time I am there. Sigh, just the fact that I have good intentions makes me feel like I am going to hell - you know, the road paved and all that.
Lord give me the strength. And a cuppa tea. And a lay down.
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
Grilled Cheese
Long day at work with CPA's going over our books, but I had a nice compliment from the partner who commented that I am smart and organized. Not just me of course, but the whole accounting team, and I am very proud of our work. Leaving work tired and hungry, I didn't even think about stopping for something to eat. Not even after leaving the salon where my brows and lip were summarily waxed did I think about stopping. In a shopping center with a plethora of choices I just drove home without a second thought.
Of course once home and presented with grilled cheese and tomatoe soup as an option for dinner I pounced on it. R had picked up a loaf of Alvarado Street spouted Wheat & Oats bread. Online there is no flour listed in the ingredients, but on the package it is the sixth ingredient. Go Amazon. But my sandwich was crunchy delicious, and I know the questions to ask about whether it's Bright Line appropriate.
1. Do I have peace or did it light me up?
I'm feeling pretty good about having a sandwich but no big deal.
2. Is it healthy?
I say yes, organic whole food ingredients except for the flour in 6th place
3. Is it messing with my weight?
I would only know this if I were to eat it regularly, which I'm not planning to do.
4. Is it escalating?
Again, I won't know until tomorrow when I am making breakfast. Hopefully no.
So not something I would buy or eat regularly, but it's good to have options out there besides Ezekiel bread; something the family will eat when it's sandwiches for dinner or lunch on a weekend.
(b) Fritata, triscuits, banana
(c) Sausage, rice casserole, avocado
(d) Grilled cheese, tomato & red pepper soup
And C peed. Really, he just this moment took his diaper off and stood there and peed on my area rug.
Two is so much fun. Gotta go.
Of course once home and presented with grilled cheese and tomatoe soup as an option for dinner I pounced on it. R had picked up a loaf of Alvarado Street spouted Wheat & Oats bread. Online there is no flour listed in the ingredients, but on the package it is the sixth ingredient. Go Amazon. But my sandwich was crunchy delicious, and I know the questions to ask about whether it's Bright Line appropriate.
1. Do I have peace or did it light me up?
I'm feeling pretty good about having a sandwich but no big deal.
2. Is it healthy?
I say yes, organic whole food ingredients except for the flour in 6th place
3. Is it messing with my weight?
I would only know this if I were to eat it regularly, which I'm not planning to do.
4. Is it escalating?
Again, I won't know until tomorrow when I am making breakfast. Hopefully no.
So not something I would buy or eat regularly, but it's good to have options out there besides Ezekiel bread; something the family will eat when it's sandwiches for dinner or lunch on a weekend.
(b) Fritata, triscuits, banana
(c) Sausage, rice casserole, avocado
(d) Grilled cheese, tomato & red pepper soup
And C peed. Really, he just this moment took his diaper off and stood there and peed on my area rug.
Two is so much fun. Gotta go.
Monday, February 17, 2020
It's all good
Today I did a few chores, cooked some breakfast grains, and spent my tax return on new appliances. We were due for a new washer & dryer, they were each broken in some small way, and then the microwave decided to die. Being president's Day, I was made to feel as though I had saved money when purchasing the new machines, but we all know that little marketing technique. I am just glad to get it taken care of before we are suddenly without them and have to pay full price to replace them when it's not a 'sale' day.
(b) Frittata, triscuits, banana
(l) Sausage, rice casserole, apple
(s) Triscuits, quacamole
(d) Steak, roasted veg, green salad
We received five 'baby' avocados in our produce box last week, and they were perfectly ripe today. I smashed one up with garlic powder and salt and scooped it up with triscuits for an afternoon snack. I'm not sure why today was more difficult that yesterday, except maybe yesterday I was determined to be okay and today I was caught off guard.
One of the Bright Line Eating modules I have listened to recently speaks to the foods that 'light us up' and that it's best to pay attention to how a food makes us feel. I am worried that I look forward to triscuits way too much. I am way too happy to have them and they are conducive to snacking as evidenced by my broken line today. It will be good to eat grains for breakfast this week and have a break from them. Except Friday; Friday I'll be having them for lunch on the drive to LA. Easy driving food with cheese and grapes for lunch and a baggie of raw veggies.
I think I have all my food prepped through Thursday, and just need a quick tip to the store for fruit. Today has been exhausting; spending money always is for me. But bills were paid, laundry finished, and the kids installed the new microwave. So I guess it's all good. No. Wait. C's numbers were up, so yes, it is all good today.
It really is.
(b) Frittata, triscuits, banana
(l) Sausage, rice casserole, apple
(s) Triscuits, quacamole
(d) Steak, roasted veg, green salad
We received five 'baby' avocados in our produce box last week, and they were perfectly ripe today. I smashed one up with garlic powder and salt and scooped it up with triscuits for an afternoon snack. I'm not sure why today was more difficult that yesterday, except maybe yesterday I was determined to be okay and today I was caught off guard.
One of the Bright Line Eating modules I have listened to recently speaks to the foods that 'light us up' and that it's best to pay attention to how a food makes us feel. I am worried that I look forward to triscuits way too much. I am way too happy to have them and they are conducive to snacking as evidenced by my broken line today. It will be good to eat grains for breakfast this week and have a break from them. Except Friday; Friday I'll be having them for lunch on the drive to LA. Easy driving food with cheese and grapes for lunch and a baggie of raw veggies.
I think I have all my food prepped through Thursday, and just need a quick tip to the store for fruit. Today has been exhausting; spending money always is for me. But bills were paid, laundry finished, and the kids installed the new microwave. So I guess it's all good. No. Wait. C's numbers were up, so yes, it is all good today.
It really is.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
A Double D Day
Double D is from, "What Dreams May Come", a favorite Robin Williams movie.The art and colours in the movie draw me in, and the message gives hope. It's hard to think of Robin dealing with his own depression while filming this movie; I wonder if that is why he gave such a heartfelt performance. My double D is Death and Depression today, but that is not why I sat down to write. I am hear to talk about cooking, and the one plate vs weighed meals options in Bright Line Eating.
A helped me chop veggies; carrtos, celery, fennel & red onion. Those went into R's beautiful big blue heavy pot to sautee while I diced up hot sausage. Once the veggies had lost their crispness, I mixed in a bag and a half of sliced white mushrooms and three of the sausage (about 6oz each?) along with some chicken stock and corn starch. Then 2 cups of cooked brown rice were folded in before putting the pot into the over for 40 minutes. I used Braggs seasonings and a mushroom mis that has sage in it.
While it was baking away C and i went down to the tot lot. He rode his little scooter thing and I walked quickly afterwards trying to keep up. A few times down the slide and he was ready to head home. He's already been to the park today with his Dad, but it's so nice out he wasn't quite done. About half way home he pooped out and walked while I carried the scooter. He's laying down watching Super Why while I type away waiting for it to be 4 o'clock so I can eat dinner.
So finally to the point. I could calculate based on the amounts of rice and sausage what a serving is, but I am choosing not to, instead using my experience to dish out portions that I know are reasonable. Of course if I did this all of the time it could be a slippery slope towards over-eating. But most days I weigh or measure most of my food, and using the one-plate method at times like this fits into my eating plan most admirably.
The rice isn't on the losing weight plan, but it is on maintenance, and having it once a day in the next week is fine for me. That is important, it works for me. It will help keep me sane while I continue to lose weight. I won't be a bright liner that keeps losing steadily until they reach goal weight. Rather I see myself leaning into maintenance as I approach feeling like I am at goal weight. It could be anywhere from 135 to 175. I just don't know yet, I'll have to wait to see how I feel and how I feel about how I look.. Years ago I was measured for lean body mass at 125 pounds. I can't see 135 being a reasonable weight given my natural muscle mass despite insurance charts. But again, who knows, and it's too early to think about it yet anyway with at least another 40 pounds to go.
So making a casserole type dish today with rice may have been me thumbing my nose at the universe, or just me wanting to use up lots of veggies to have with the sausage and needing rice to even out the heat they are bringing to the party. Besides, there has been a partial bag of brown rice in the fridge for more months than I can remember and it needed to be used. So a convergence of need, if you will.
(b) Eggs with cheese & green chilies, bacon
(l) Steak and roasted veggies, apple
(d) Sausage, rice and veggie casserole
What time is it? It's time for dinner! A blue plate special for an old lady who is thinking about her son a lot today.
A helped me chop veggies; carrtos, celery, fennel & red onion. Those went into R's beautiful big blue heavy pot to sautee while I diced up hot sausage. Once the veggies had lost their crispness, I mixed in a bag and a half of sliced white mushrooms and three of the sausage (about 6oz each?) along with some chicken stock and corn starch. Then 2 cups of cooked brown rice were folded in before putting the pot into the over for 40 minutes. I used Braggs seasonings and a mushroom mis that has sage in it.
While it was baking away C and i went down to the tot lot. He rode his little scooter thing and I walked quickly afterwards trying to keep up. A few times down the slide and he was ready to head home. He's already been to the park today with his Dad, but it's so nice out he wasn't quite done. About half way home he pooped out and walked while I carried the scooter. He's laying down watching Super Why while I type away waiting for it to be 4 o'clock so I can eat dinner.
So finally to the point. I could calculate based on the amounts of rice and sausage what a serving is, but I am choosing not to, instead using my experience to dish out portions that I know are reasonable. Of course if I did this all of the time it could be a slippery slope towards over-eating. But most days I weigh or measure most of my food, and using the one-plate method at times like this fits into my eating plan most admirably.
The rice isn't on the losing weight plan, but it is on maintenance, and having it once a day in the next week is fine for me. That is important, it works for me. It will help keep me sane while I continue to lose weight. I won't be a bright liner that keeps losing steadily until they reach goal weight. Rather I see myself leaning into maintenance as I approach feeling like I am at goal weight. It could be anywhere from 135 to 175. I just don't know yet, I'll have to wait to see how I feel and how I feel about how I look.. Years ago I was measured for lean body mass at 125 pounds. I can't see 135 being a reasonable weight given my natural muscle mass despite insurance charts. But again, who knows, and it's too early to think about it yet anyway with at least another 40 pounds to go.
So making a casserole type dish today with rice may have been me thumbing my nose at the universe, or just me wanting to use up lots of veggies to have with the sausage and needing rice to even out the heat they are bringing to the party. Besides, there has been a partial bag of brown rice in the fridge for more months than I can remember and it needed to be used. So a convergence of need, if you will.
(b) Eggs with cheese & green chilies, bacon
(l) Steak and roasted veggies, apple
(d) Sausage, rice and veggie casserole
What time is it? It's time for dinner! A blue plate special for an old lady who is thinking about her son a lot today.
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Bright Line Eating; week 19 in review
Down the pound I gained from last week plus another half pound to boot, despite the feeling that I left a trail of broken lines behind me in a trail of shame. I need to learn to trust myself, and that I am making the best decisions I can at the time. That was my survival mantra while learning to come to grips with Joey's death. Yes, that again, because that is ever present in my mind these days. In any case, I need to figure out a way to not drop into the pity pool at a moments notice, or at a bright line being broken more to the point.
I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to immerse myself into the online support that boot camp offers, but really, I get tired of the cheerleaders. I was looking for some honest conversation and gave up after a few weeks of trying to find a buddy. I am listening to all of the modules, and still love tapping into Susan's vlogs - they are my biggest source of inspiration. She is all about love & honesty, just what I need to hear everyday.
I still have a deep abiding hope that Bright Line Eating is curing my brain, that as I keep losing weight I will have the confidence and energy to immerse myself more deeply into the program as a whole. Meditation comes to mind as the most prevalent of tasks I have shirked during this process. I know this is important for will-power, as well as making a deeper connection to the me I can be. Well that sounded silly, but you know what I mean. That voice I have inside that puts up a fight when I do something I know is not the next right thing. I want that part of me to flourish, I want that wolf to thrive and need to start feeding it better. How was that for packing in the cliches?!
(b) Cheddar cheese, whole wheat ritz crackers, apple
(l) Black-eyed knockwurst veggie soup, apple
(d) Chuck steak, stir fry veggies roasted in sesame oil, salad
I haven't had dinner yet, but the veggies are in the over roasting and the steak is marinating in Tamari; it's going to be delicious. I worked a half day at the office and stopped for groceries on the way home. I was alone at the office and did NOT eat anything except the lunch I had packed. I did have flour with breakfast, but considering I was out of Triscuits and had almost talked myself into driving through Mickey D's I think I made the right choice between the two evils. That was my bad for not cooking oats as I intended to do earlier in the week.
I now have eggs to bake with cheese and green chilies for breakfast tomorrow. Depending on if the family shares there may be leftovers. But I'm also going to cook a batch of grains this weekend so that breakfast is taken care of all week. I'll cook another batch at Mom's next weekend; I know she eats oatmeal most mornings so we can share.
I'm feeling good. I may just focus on this and not write tomorrow. We'll see. One Day at a Time and all that. The comfort movie of the day will be Frozen II; we all loved it in the theatre and are ready to see it again. Movies and death, another family tradition.
I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to immerse myself into the online support that boot camp offers, but really, I get tired of the cheerleaders. I was looking for some honest conversation and gave up after a few weeks of trying to find a buddy. I am listening to all of the modules, and still love tapping into Susan's vlogs - they are my biggest source of inspiration. She is all about love & honesty, just what I need to hear everyday.
I still have a deep abiding hope that Bright Line Eating is curing my brain, that as I keep losing weight I will have the confidence and energy to immerse myself more deeply into the program as a whole. Meditation comes to mind as the most prevalent of tasks I have shirked during this process. I know this is important for will-power, as well as making a deeper connection to the me I can be. Well that sounded silly, but you know what I mean. That voice I have inside that puts up a fight when I do something I know is not the next right thing. I want that part of me to flourish, I want that wolf to thrive and need to start feeding it better. How was that for packing in the cliches?!
(b) Cheddar cheese, whole wheat ritz crackers, apple
(l) Black-eyed knockwurst veggie soup, apple
(d) Chuck steak, stir fry veggies roasted in sesame oil, salad
I haven't had dinner yet, but the veggies are in the over roasting and the steak is marinating in Tamari; it's going to be delicious. I worked a half day at the office and stopped for groceries on the way home. I was alone at the office and did NOT eat anything except the lunch I had packed. I did have flour with breakfast, but considering I was out of Triscuits and had almost talked myself into driving through Mickey D's I think I made the right choice between the two evils. That was my bad for not cooking oats as I intended to do earlier in the week.
I now have eggs to bake with cheese and green chilies for breakfast tomorrow. Depending on if the family shares there may be leftovers. But I'm also going to cook a batch of grains this weekend so that breakfast is taken care of all week. I'll cook another batch at Mom's next weekend; I know she eats oatmeal most mornings so we can share.
I'm feeling good. I may just focus on this and not write tomorrow. We'll see. One Day at a Time and all that. The comfort movie of the day will be Frozen II; we all loved it in the theatre and are ready to see it again. Movies and death, another family tradition.
Friday, February 14, 2020
A little Whine with my Cheese
I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but I did not do well today, and having an 'excuse' just isn't cutting it. I feel the internal pressure mounting, and can't seem to find the time and energy to disconnect and meditate to ease my way. I realize that the next couple of days I have choices, and I am not crazy about any of them. Sunday marks the 14th anniversary of Joey's Death Day. It never feels like it was yesterday anymore, it's in my past, but the guilt and pain rear their ugly heads and try to consume me at times.
I should work on my new neural pathways, and stick to my Bright Lines this weekend so that it's a learning experience that I can get through one day at a time making good choices even under duress. This leads to the self trust and respect that have been so lacking in my life. The saboteur whispers that it's just a couple of days, and to take what comfort I can from letting myself eat. I lost a son, that trumps everything doesn't it? And finally, the non-choice. Doing the best I can knowing slip ups will occur, and deciding ahead of time that I will forgive myself.
But the latter has steadily been becoming the new normal, and I am obviously not happy with myself, and for the 3rd Friday in a row I am dreading getting on the scale in the morning. I am, in fact, trying to talk myself out of it. Because I don't want the evidence in my face that I should have done better.
Have I really done the best I could this past week? I mean not counting today, because today is not something I feel good about at all. The fact that I feel this is awful says something about how far I have come from eating everything and anything I wanted over the past few years. I will say that those were important years, during which I didn't gain a ton of weight (just some) and learned that I can make healthy choices while not dieting.
(b) Cheesy southwest potatoes, orange
(l) Baked beans, roasted veggies
(s) Package of cinnamon Belvita breakfast wafers
(s) 1oz Cheese and 6 ritz crackers, handful of fritos, 1 See's chocolate heart
(d) Hot sausage link, roasted potatoes
I had come home early to watch C while the kids took A for a horseback riding lesson. Just getting home from work is a trigger for me to eat, and it was 2 hours until dinner. As usual when I break my bright lines, I was alone. C was still napping and I wanted to eat. To be specific, I wanted cheese and crackers and we are out of triscuits.
Susan speaks about foods that are addictive by nature, and I believe that cheese is at or very close to the top of the list. I've had a life long love affair with cheese, as have many, and being able to eat it on plan has been wonderful. But eating it as a snack is not acceptable, and I crashed through that bright line today full steam ahead. My good sense is telling me I need to back off the cheese - it has become too important.
The snack at work was another 'eat while alone' scenario. It's funny googling the ingredients and seeing the many ways sugar is listed while they are stating that it's a nutritious breakfast giving 4 hours of sustained energy. 'Food' advertising is insane.
Okay, enough self recrimination. I know what I need to do. I need to do the next right thing. And I need to figure out a way to remind myself of that in a continuous loop. I think I am going to set alerts on my phone over the long weekend with just that. Do The Next Right Thing. Like every 2 hours.
Mentally and physically exhausted, heart-sore and weary of the battlefield, I go to rest.
I should work on my new neural pathways, and stick to my Bright Lines this weekend so that it's a learning experience that I can get through one day at a time making good choices even under duress. This leads to the self trust and respect that have been so lacking in my life. The saboteur whispers that it's just a couple of days, and to take what comfort I can from letting myself eat. I lost a son, that trumps everything doesn't it? And finally, the non-choice. Doing the best I can knowing slip ups will occur, and deciding ahead of time that I will forgive myself.
But the latter has steadily been becoming the new normal, and I am obviously not happy with myself, and for the 3rd Friday in a row I am dreading getting on the scale in the morning. I am, in fact, trying to talk myself out of it. Because I don't want the evidence in my face that I should have done better.
Have I really done the best I could this past week? I mean not counting today, because today is not something I feel good about at all. The fact that I feel this is awful says something about how far I have come from eating everything and anything I wanted over the past few years. I will say that those were important years, during which I didn't gain a ton of weight (just some) and learned that I can make healthy choices while not dieting.
(b) Cheesy southwest potatoes, orange
(l) Baked beans, roasted veggies
(s) Package of cinnamon Belvita breakfast wafers
(s) 1oz Cheese and 6 ritz crackers, handful of fritos, 1 See's chocolate heart
(d) Hot sausage link, roasted potatoes
I had come home early to watch C while the kids took A for a horseback riding lesson. Just getting home from work is a trigger for me to eat, and it was 2 hours until dinner. As usual when I break my bright lines, I was alone. C was still napping and I wanted to eat. To be specific, I wanted cheese and crackers and we are out of triscuits.
Susan speaks about foods that are addictive by nature, and I believe that cheese is at or very close to the top of the list. I've had a life long love affair with cheese, as have many, and being able to eat it on plan has been wonderful. But eating it as a snack is not acceptable, and I crashed through that bright line today full steam ahead. My good sense is telling me I need to back off the cheese - it has become too important.
The snack at work was another 'eat while alone' scenario. It's funny googling the ingredients and seeing the many ways sugar is listed while they are stating that it's a nutritious breakfast giving 4 hours of sustained energy. 'Food' advertising is insane.
Okay, enough self recrimination. I know what I need to do. I need to do the next right thing. And I need to figure out a way to remind myself of that in a continuous loop. I think I am going to set alerts on my phone over the long weekend with just that. Do The Next Right Thing. Like every 2 hours.
Mentally and physically exhausted, heart-sore and weary of the battlefield, I go to rest.
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Walking and cooking
Currently roasting in the oven are carrots, potatoes and onions; light on the potatoes, heavy on the onions. Seasoned with Braggs and Mrs. Dash seasonings the house smells lovely. It's late for me to be cooking, but I am out of cooked veggies and need to pack meals for tomorrow.
Arriving home today from work, I discovered M in the kitchen cooking, so C and I headed out for a walk. A few sticks and several pretty chalk drawings later we were back - him to lay down for a bit of R&R with Bubble Guppies and me to listen to Susan's Wednesday vlog. It's fun sharing my bed with him while we each go about our own business. Buddies for life. I remember forming this bond with his sister in similar ways, and as she has almost outgrown her desire to snuggle it's perfect timing to have another grandchild who wants to play tickles and snuggle.
(b) Triscuits, cheddar, banana
(l) Black-eyed pea & Knockwurst veggie soup, apple
(s) one small bite of a co-workers lentil soup to share her instant pot recipe
(d) Steak, brocolli & mixed veggies, raw carrots
Too tired to chop a salad, I opted for the oldest of the imperfect produce carrots to use them up. It's rather satisfactory to munch away on carrots, and no added fat necessary.
I also had to plan breakfast for tomorrow as we are out of my beloved triscuits. I cooked a small potatoe, then cubed it into a glass dish with 2oz of southwest cheese that is full of peppers. It will be a decadent breakfast, heated up once I am at work in the morning, but those are exactly the dishes that let me believe I am not dieting, only losing weight while I heal my brain.
But I do feel the need to cook a batch of oatmeal this weekend, and have a stretch of healthier breakfasts next week. Balance; it's what's for life.
We are all in danger this evening. C found a long thin branch to bring home and he's having so much fun with it we are indulging him. There are still branches everywhere from the storm winds we had last weekend, and it's fun for the suburbs to feel a little wild for a change. I have never understood how I ended up in tract housing with mowed lawns when my heart is in the mountains and my spirit thrives at the beach. Oh well.
The first hunger pangs are slowly erupting in my stomach or thereabouts, so I'm off to make an orange immunity drink and settle in for something other than Nickelodeon.
Arriving home today from work, I discovered M in the kitchen cooking, so C and I headed out for a walk. A few sticks and several pretty chalk drawings later we were back - him to lay down for a bit of R&R with Bubble Guppies and me to listen to Susan's Wednesday vlog. It's fun sharing my bed with him while we each go about our own business. Buddies for life. I remember forming this bond with his sister in similar ways, and as she has almost outgrown her desire to snuggle it's perfect timing to have another grandchild who wants to play tickles and snuggle.
(b) Triscuits, cheddar, banana
(l) Black-eyed pea & Knockwurst veggie soup, apple
(s) one small bite of a co-workers lentil soup to share her instant pot recipe
(d) Steak, brocolli & mixed veggies, raw carrots
Too tired to chop a salad, I opted for the oldest of the imperfect produce carrots to use them up. It's rather satisfactory to munch away on carrots, and no added fat necessary.
I also had to plan breakfast for tomorrow as we are out of my beloved triscuits. I cooked a small potatoe, then cubed it into a glass dish with 2oz of southwest cheese that is full of peppers. It will be a decadent breakfast, heated up once I am at work in the morning, but those are exactly the dishes that let me believe I am not dieting, only losing weight while I heal my brain.
But I do feel the need to cook a batch of oatmeal this weekend, and have a stretch of healthier breakfasts next week. Balance; it's what's for life.
We are all in danger this evening. C found a long thin branch to bring home and he's having so much fun with it we are indulging him. There are still branches everywhere from the storm winds we had last weekend, and it's fun for the suburbs to feel a little wild for a change. I have never understood how I ended up in tract housing with mowed lawns when my heart is in the mountains and my spirit thrives at the beach. Oh well.
The first hunger pangs are slowly erupting in my stomach or thereabouts, so I'm off to make an orange immunity drink and settle in for something other than Nickelodeon.
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Ginger Water & Honey
This evening my sore throat is worse, and I made ginger water with honey and cream (half n half, coconut & oat milks). We usually have a thermos of raw ginger slices steeping in hot water when I have a cold. And I'm assuming that is what this is. I'm taking my Orenda Immune at night as usual so I already had a head start on beating this, and I'm drinking Shaklee's Immunity during the day, hoping to fight it off, but we will see.
I stopped at the store for decaf coffee on the way home today; I just miss it too much in the mornings, and it's such a small pleasure. Of course then the universe answered by presenting me with a free audible original by Michael Pollan on Caffeine. So I downloaded the audio booklet it and will listen while commuting tomorrow. Then this one might be the last bag of coffee grounds I buy depending on what he says, because I do admire his work and would consider his opinion as valid.
(b) Triscuits, cheddar, banana
(l) Black-eyed pea & Knockwurst soup, orange
(d) Meatball, baked beans, raw carrots
Dinner was a little heavy on protein and a little light on veggies, but it was easy and I was tired and not feeling well after my trip to the grocery store. I had picked up another bag of white rice, and C wanted some right away so I cooked up a batch in the microwave. Rice, a small carrot stick, milk and Oreos - what a meal but at least he is eating.
I've started planning meals for my trip, focusing on the positive and that I will be able to go. I'll shop the evening before and have everything ready to throw in a cooler the next morning; I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I have a week to plan and get healthy. Maybe I'm not so sure it's going to happen after all. One day at a time just like everything else in life; I'll know when I know, I just don't want to disappoint her.
Finding that I am writing in circles, I think it best to refill my cup of ginger, and lay down for a minute while it cools.
I stopped at the store for decaf coffee on the way home today; I just miss it too much in the mornings, and it's such a small pleasure. Of course then the universe answered by presenting me with a free audible original by Michael Pollan on Caffeine. So I downloaded the audio booklet it and will listen while commuting tomorrow. Then this one might be the last bag of coffee grounds I buy depending on what he says, because I do admire his work and would consider his opinion as valid.
(b) Triscuits, cheddar, banana
(l) Black-eyed pea & Knockwurst soup, orange
(d) Meatball, baked beans, raw carrots
Dinner was a little heavy on protein and a little light on veggies, but it was easy and I was tired and not feeling well after my trip to the grocery store. I had picked up another bag of white rice, and C wanted some right away so I cooked up a batch in the microwave. Rice, a small carrot stick, milk and Oreos - what a meal but at least he is eating.
I've started planning meals for my trip, focusing on the positive and that I will be able to go. I'll shop the evening before and have everything ready to throw in a cooler the next morning; I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I have a week to plan and get healthy. Maybe I'm not so sure it's going to happen after all. One day at a time just like everything else in life; I'll know when I know, I just don't want to disappoint her.
Finding that I am writing in circles, I think it best to refill my cup of ginger, and lay down for a minute while it cools.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Perspective
Nothing was noticeably different today, all the same players were here from Sunday & Monday; it's still February, work is still busy, I am still sad. But today I was back. The me I think of as being real. The me that can say no to cookies. Where I've been the last two days is anyone's guess. At one time in my life I thought I was pretty manic depressive, with big swings of depression broken by small periods of mania when I was ready to diet, exercise and conquer the world. Those little spikes into the sunlight were usually brief, and illuminating, because I never realized how down I was until I was up. Perspective is everything, some would say.
Maybe these past two days were just a small dip back into depression, and this strength of purpose I have been feeling for the past few months is actually the new normal. One can hope, and focus on the positive.
(b) Triscuits, cream cheese
(l) Baked beans, mixed veggies, banana
(d) Meatball, peas, green salad with lots of mushrooms
I only have one meatball left. It's been great having a batch in the freezer and taking out a few at a time to defrost. I should say mini-meatloaves they are so big, each one weighing between 4-5oz. They are so full of green peppers and onions I don't give a second thought to the actual weight of the meat.
I have probably mentioned several times before that I am not meticulous about weighing. I tend to rebel if too fanatical, and for me it is not a boon to my mental health to obsess about exactness. For instance my cream cheese. Or more usually Neufchâtel. I get an 8oz package, and I know it is four servings. I use it to make four breakfasts and know that over the course of four days I have had exactly four servings. No need to have exactly 2oz each day - that would make me crazy.
The same with a batch of soup. I usually cook in batches that will have 4-6 servings of protein. If it's beans, legumes, or ground meat I don't worry about how much is in each serving. I just make sure there are tons of veggies and then divide it into 4 or 6 dishes and call it a day. Erring on the side of too many vegetables can't really be a bad thing, IMHO.
When cooking ala carte I do weigh the components because it's too easy to eat too many starchy vegetables and not enough cruciferous raw veggies. Like tonight. I weighed 6oz of peas into a bowl, added my 4.2 oz meatball, and heated it all up together. Then I made my salad in my beautiful wooden bowl, adding veggies until I hit 8oz. Easy Peasy.
I will never take a scale to the table. I will use the one plate method and my god given common sense. Of course that's easy to say when I rarely sit down at the table to eat.
The sheltie on the Westminster Dog Show has caught my attention; time to go rest my mind, my back, and everything else that aches.
Maybe these past two days were just a small dip back into depression, and this strength of purpose I have been feeling for the past few months is actually the new normal. One can hope, and focus on the positive.
(b) Triscuits, cream cheese
(l) Baked beans, mixed veggies, banana
(d) Meatball, peas, green salad with lots of mushrooms
I only have one meatball left. It's been great having a batch in the freezer and taking out a few at a time to defrost. I should say mini-meatloaves they are so big, each one weighing between 4-5oz. They are so full of green peppers and onions I don't give a second thought to the actual weight of the meat.
I have probably mentioned several times before that I am not meticulous about weighing. I tend to rebel if too fanatical, and for me it is not a boon to my mental health to obsess about exactness. For instance my cream cheese. Or more usually Neufchâtel. I get an 8oz package, and I know it is four servings. I use it to make four breakfasts and know that over the course of four days I have had exactly four servings. No need to have exactly 2oz each day - that would make me crazy.
The same with a batch of soup. I usually cook in batches that will have 4-6 servings of protein. If it's beans, legumes, or ground meat I don't worry about how much is in each serving. I just make sure there are tons of veggies and then divide it into 4 or 6 dishes and call it a day. Erring on the side of too many vegetables can't really be a bad thing, IMHO.
When cooking ala carte I do weigh the components because it's too easy to eat too many starchy vegetables and not enough cruciferous raw veggies. Like tonight. I weighed 6oz of peas into a bowl, added my 4.2 oz meatball, and heated it all up together. Then I made my salad in my beautiful wooden bowl, adding veggies until I hit 8oz. Easy Peasy.
I will never take a scale to the table. I will use the one plate method and my god given common sense. Of course that's easy to say when I rarely sit down at the table to eat.
The sheltie on the Westminster Dog Show has caught my attention; time to go rest my mind, my back, and everything else that aches.
Monday, February 10, 2020
A very short check-in
It was a struggle driving home today, I wanted so much to get a cheese burger and fries. Insane.
(b) Triscuits, cheese, banana
(l) Italian meatball soup, orange
(d) Roast chicken, mixed veggies, salad with lots of cucumber
Everyone is sick in the house except me. I am praying I don't get sick and have to cancel my trip south. I can hardly take a chance on giving my mother a cold or the flu. So I'm trying to keep my distance, but it's a small house.
I'm sitting here in a daze, not even remembering why I decided to write. Distracted by the light shinning on C's head, so recently covered in fine blond hairs, my thoughts are a million miles away. They are worrying about A's constant cough, and thinking I should get in the kitchen to clean up as no one else is feeling well enough for the chore.
I can always return should the fancy take me later.
(b) Triscuits, cheese, banana
(l) Italian meatball soup, orange
(d) Roast chicken, mixed veggies, salad with lots of cucumber
Everyone is sick in the house except me. I am praying I don't get sick and have to cancel my trip south. I can hardly take a chance on giving my mother a cold or the flu. So I'm trying to keep my distance, but it's a small house.
I'm sitting here in a daze, not even remembering why I decided to write. Distracted by the light shinning on C's head, so recently covered in fine blond hairs, my thoughts are a million miles away. They are worrying about A's constant cough, and thinking I should get in the kitchen to clean up as no one else is feeling well enough for the chore.
I can always return should the fancy take me later.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
February
It suddenly occurred to me today why I am struggling, why I feel like I am fighting and giving up all of a sudden. It's February, the middle of my mourning season. February 16th will mark 14 years since Joey's life ended in this world and began in the next. My mom' birthday is the 11th, Valentines Day the 14th, and then Joeys Death Day the 16th. The beginning of March is my birthday, C's is in the middle, then the end of March my sisters, my dearly departed Aunt Beth's birthday was April and Mother's day is in May. I get time off in June, July & August before the cycle starts up again in September. First with R's birthday, then Joey's, followed by the holiday season from Halloween to Superbowl. What a way to track time.
The angst has been building, but I figured I had just burned out, and was dreading facing that as I have had so much faith in Bright Line Eating and the results I have enjoyed up until this past week. I am hoping that acknowledging this will help me in the coming weeks as I try to let myself ride out the waves of grief as they hit, instead of falling into one of the previous patterns of denial and\or burial that I tend to fall into.
Doing the next right thing each day will be my mantra for the rest of February this year.
(b) Triscuits, cheese, pear
(l) Roast chicken, mixed veggies
(d) Baked beans, curly fries, ice cream
As you may have noticed things fell apart earlier this evening. The family was off to a friends for a crab feast, and I was home alone watching Netflix in between finishing up dishes and laundry. And all of a sudden I noticed that all of the strength of purpose I have been feeling since October was gone. Had dissipated into the ether. Just gone. And while I could watch from a distance and think, 'that's not right', I started to eat. But instead of making my salad as intended, I finished C's leftover fries, and then had a cup of ice cream that I knew was in the freezer. BIG GIANT EFFING SIGH.
It was after the ice cream that I checked my phone. I had plugged it in earlier after the power came back on this afternoon to make sure it was fully charged if the wind blew it out again. (It didn't.) Anyway, it was from my mom, letting me know that she had gone to dinner with my sister and had been the recipient of a free birthday desert. And lightening struck; it's February.
Now I've know it's been February for nine days, this is not a surprise. Part of my job in accounting depends on processing that is strictly bound to the time of month. Download bank statements on the 1st, get financials produced by the 10th, process late fees on the 16th. I am always aware of the date and making sure things get done on time. But while my subconscious was stressing I remained blissfully unaware until this afternoon as to the why of it all. Not just another month, but February.
Our brains are mysterious and confusing, that is for sure. Because right now I don't want to think about it, I want to share how beautifully my Bright Line baked beans were, and why. But I can't. Because my brain is overrun with emotions and memories and the need to fight fight fight, and it's all just so exhausting and discouraging.
I pray for Love and Light.
I pray for healing over night.
I feel the strength inside my heart; burning bright, taking flight.
Pause to breathe. In and out. In and out. Om Namah Shivaya
The angst has been building, but I figured I had just burned out, and was dreading facing that as I have had so much faith in Bright Line Eating and the results I have enjoyed up until this past week. I am hoping that acknowledging this will help me in the coming weeks as I try to let myself ride out the waves of grief as they hit, instead of falling into one of the previous patterns of denial and\or burial that I tend to fall into.
Doing the next right thing each day will be my mantra for the rest of February this year.
(b) Triscuits, cheese, pear
(l) Roast chicken, mixed veggies
(d) Baked beans, curly fries, ice cream
As you may have noticed things fell apart earlier this evening. The family was off to a friends for a crab feast, and I was home alone watching Netflix in between finishing up dishes and laundry. And all of a sudden I noticed that all of the strength of purpose I have been feeling since October was gone. Had dissipated into the ether. Just gone. And while I could watch from a distance and think, 'that's not right', I started to eat. But instead of making my salad as intended, I finished C's leftover fries, and then had a cup of ice cream that I knew was in the freezer. BIG GIANT EFFING SIGH.
It was after the ice cream that I checked my phone. I had plugged it in earlier after the power came back on this afternoon to make sure it was fully charged if the wind blew it out again. (It didn't.) Anyway, it was from my mom, letting me know that she had gone to dinner with my sister and had been the recipient of a free birthday desert. And lightening struck; it's February.
Now I've know it's been February for nine days, this is not a surprise. Part of my job in accounting depends on processing that is strictly bound to the time of month. Download bank statements on the 1st, get financials produced by the 10th, process late fees on the 16th. I am always aware of the date and making sure things get done on time. But while my subconscious was stressing I remained blissfully unaware until this afternoon as to the why of it all. Not just another month, but February.
Our brains are mysterious and confusing, that is for sure. Because right now I don't want to think about it, I want to share how beautifully my Bright Line baked beans were, and why. But I can't. Because my brain is overrun with emotions and memories and the need to fight fight fight, and it's all just so exhausting and discouraging.
I pray for Love and Light.
I pray for healing over night.
I feel the strength inside my heart; burning bright, taking flight.
Pause to breathe. In and out. In and out. Om Namah Shivaya
Saturday, February 8, 2020
Bright Line Eating; week 18 in review
It has been an emotional day. The morning brought what I have been dreading all along; instead of losing I gained a pound. I like to think it was placing the scale in a different spot in the garage, but I know in my heart that isn't true. The past week was fraught with mistakes, Bright Lines bent and broken all to hell in a couple of places. All me, all my bad. And I have had a sad day. At one point I was snacking on cheezits, but at least it didn't turn into a full blown binge, just a smidge of a one, and I'm over it.
To compound my mood, I somehow found myself watching The Pharmacist on Netflix, and wouldn't you know it, it's about a man who lost his son; murdered while buying drugs. Maybe I was punishing myself, but I just kept watching. Watching a documentary about how addiction to Oxicontin, and the blowback that resulted in doctors going to jail led to heroin flooding our communities in 2016. The year Joey was killed while on his way to buy some. Depression set in, probably saving me from additional eating, but also wrecking what should have been a beautiful day.
It was sunny and clear out, and I should have been working in the yard. Or really doing anything but moping on the couch. But I didn't mean to vent, I just need to review the week and move on.
I wasn't on plan this past week. I thought I was most of the time, but looking back at my journal there were miss-steps everywhere. Skipping salads, adding grains, eating cookies. It's amazing how we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing a good job while surrounded by evidence to the contrary. Our brains are so powerful, and can be so conniving. But I see what happened, how I had become too complacent and stopped paying attention to details.
This coming week I will win the little fights more often, and be back on track. The past couple of weeks have been so nuts at work I haven't been on the computer in the evenings enough; I need to get back to watching the Wednesday vlogs from Susan, and looking at Bright Line recipes for inspiration. While I don't want losing weight to take over my life completely, I do need to focus more right now. Focus on the positive, and taking care of myself for all of the future benefits I will reap.
(b) Cooked grains, tart cherries, pecans
(s) Cheezits, triscuits and sharp cheddar
(l) Meatball sandwich, pear
(d) Chicken, mixed veggies
I did make it to the store late this afternoon, and have groceries to make baked beans tomorrow, and a few dinners of sausage and roasted squash. I also have the rest of the rotisserie chicken to make either veg soup or stir fry.
God I'm exhausted. Not the good physically active kind, the emotionally wrung out type. Best to just go to bed knowing tomorrow will be better.
To compound my mood, I somehow found myself watching The Pharmacist on Netflix, and wouldn't you know it, it's about a man who lost his son; murdered while buying drugs. Maybe I was punishing myself, but I just kept watching. Watching a documentary about how addiction to Oxicontin, and the blowback that resulted in doctors going to jail led to heroin flooding our communities in 2016. The year Joey was killed while on his way to buy some. Depression set in, probably saving me from additional eating, but also wrecking what should have been a beautiful day.
It was sunny and clear out, and I should have been working in the yard. Or really doing anything but moping on the couch. But I didn't mean to vent, I just need to review the week and move on.
I wasn't on plan this past week. I thought I was most of the time, but looking back at my journal there were miss-steps everywhere. Skipping salads, adding grains, eating cookies. It's amazing how we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing a good job while surrounded by evidence to the contrary. Our brains are so powerful, and can be so conniving. But I see what happened, how I had become too complacent and stopped paying attention to details.
This coming week I will win the little fights more often, and be back on track. The past couple of weeks have been so nuts at work I haven't been on the computer in the evenings enough; I need to get back to watching the Wednesday vlogs from Susan, and looking at Bright Line recipes for inspiration. While I don't want losing weight to take over my life completely, I do need to focus more right now. Focus on the positive, and taking care of myself for all of the future benefits I will reap.
(b) Cooked grains, tart cherries, pecans
(s) Cheezits, triscuits and sharp cheddar
(l) Meatball sandwich, pear
(d) Chicken, mixed veggies
I did make it to the store late this afternoon, and have groceries to make baked beans tomorrow, and a few dinners of sausage and roasted squash. I also have the rest of the rotisserie chicken to make either veg soup or stir fry.
God I'm exhausted. Not the good physically active kind, the emotionally wrung out type. Best to just go to bed knowing tomorrow will be better.
Friday, February 7, 2020
Shoulders!
Running late getting ready for work this morning, I ended up in front of the bathroom mirror in my sleep tank. Usually I would be dressed at this point, and would have missed a most exciting revelation. I have shoulders! There are bones there that I haven't seen in years. Some actual definition! I did a quick appraisal, and sure enough, I think my arms are more slender from the wrists on up. I knew my silver rings were looser than usual and was glad the other day upon realizing I wasn't going to have to get them cut off before they strangled my fingers. I mean, it was most excellent indeed. But seeing my shoulders this morning was nothing short of amazing. So silly, but really it's the small details that can make or break a day.
TGIF! Lots going on a work and I'm always busy, so like millions of others I wait for my weekends like Snoopy waiting for a cool breeze on a hot day. Peanuts! My Aunt Beth had comic books in the house growing up, and we all loved reading them. I have a collector's edition of the early strips, but it's not the same as thumbing through the soft pages of a well read paperback. Just thinking about it I am back at the Lake, listening to the whisper of pines in the tall trees, and in love with Summer. A funny sort of memory for a cold winter day, but really what better time to introduce a little sunshine and warmth.
Another great dinner tonight. More veggies sauteed in sesame oil; onions, carrots and kale this time. The last servings of the quinoa\brown rice blend and the chuck steak rounded out my bowl nicely. A little Tamari splashed on top to finish and I was in heaven. I didn't weigh or measure anything except for the rice blend, and I knew from yesterday how the bowl should look. It must have been really close, and I am confident it was a Bright Line meal.
The kids ordered in pizza, and I may sneak a chunk of pineapple if it's still on the counter when I emerge from the safe haven of my cozy bedroom later.
Speaking of pizza, we are considering making homemade pizza for my birthday in a few weeks. A thin crust in the style of pita or naan so it's soft in the middle while being thin and crispy on the outside. It's just a maybe, me thinking of all the things I could splurge on and all of the reasons why I shouldn't. But I can't talk myself into it being just another day. I was born into this world, and it was special, and maybe I want pizza or birthday cake. Maybe both. But I don't have to decide now, that's a decision for another day. For today I am eating on plan, and still happy about my shoulders!
(b) Cooked grains, tart cherries, pecans
(l) Black-eyed pea veggie soup, pear
(d) Steak, onions, carrots, kale
Once again I ate my dinner veggies all cooked. But they are just so delicious. And really, using a tablespoon of oil as my dinner fat I can cook a lot of veggies and still enjoy the nuttiness of the sesame. I guess I could use half to sautee the veggies and half to make a salad dressing, but this was easier, faster and delicious. Win Win Win.
I have plans to clean house instead of doing laundry as I usually do on Saturdays. The kids are visiting a family that has been very generous to the kid's Go Fund Me account to help with C. And that means I can vacuum and mop without being interrupted. I can do laundry anytime, and in fact C likes to help with that. He's still two and doesn't know better!
I have one breakfast in the fridge that I can pop in the microwave for a quick and easy breakfast tomorrow, and there are cheese, carrots, and triscuits for lunch. I know there are peas and meatballs in the freezer and salad fixings for dinner, so really I don't need to grocery shop tomorrow if I don't want to go. I think I would rather go Sunday morning early with the rest of the old geezers while the store is still quiet.
I'm worn out. What else is new!?! I think it's time to change into sweats, pull on my fluffy grey slippers, and see which Harry Potter movie is on in the living room.
TGIF! Lots going on a work and I'm always busy, so like millions of others I wait for my weekends like Snoopy waiting for a cool breeze on a hot day. Peanuts! My Aunt Beth had comic books in the house growing up, and we all loved reading them. I have a collector's edition of the early strips, but it's not the same as thumbing through the soft pages of a well read paperback. Just thinking about it I am back at the Lake, listening to the whisper of pines in the tall trees, and in love with Summer. A funny sort of memory for a cold winter day, but really what better time to introduce a little sunshine and warmth.
Another great dinner tonight. More veggies sauteed in sesame oil; onions, carrots and kale this time. The last servings of the quinoa\brown rice blend and the chuck steak rounded out my bowl nicely. A little Tamari splashed on top to finish and I was in heaven. I didn't weigh or measure anything except for the rice blend, and I knew from yesterday how the bowl should look. It must have been really close, and I am confident it was a Bright Line meal.
The kids ordered in pizza, and I may sneak a chunk of pineapple if it's still on the counter when I emerge from the safe haven of my cozy bedroom later.
Speaking of pizza, we are considering making homemade pizza for my birthday in a few weeks. A thin crust in the style of pita or naan so it's soft in the middle while being thin and crispy on the outside. It's just a maybe, me thinking of all the things I could splurge on and all of the reasons why I shouldn't. But I can't talk myself into it being just another day. I was born into this world, and it was special, and maybe I want pizza or birthday cake. Maybe both. But I don't have to decide now, that's a decision for another day. For today I am eating on plan, and still happy about my shoulders!
(b) Cooked grains, tart cherries, pecans
(l) Black-eyed pea veggie soup, pear
(d) Steak, onions, carrots, kale
Once again I ate my dinner veggies all cooked. But they are just so delicious. And really, using a tablespoon of oil as my dinner fat I can cook a lot of veggies and still enjoy the nuttiness of the sesame. I guess I could use half to sautee the veggies and half to make a salad dressing, but this was easier, faster and delicious. Win Win Win.
I have plans to clean house instead of doing laundry as I usually do on Saturdays. The kids are visiting a family that has been very generous to the kid's Go Fund Me account to help with C. And that means I can vacuum and mop without being interrupted. I can do laundry anytime, and in fact C likes to help with that. He's still two and doesn't know better!
I have one breakfast in the fridge that I can pop in the microwave for a quick and easy breakfast tomorrow, and there are cheese, carrots, and triscuits for lunch. I know there are peas and meatballs in the freezer and salad fixings for dinner, so really I don't need to grocery shop tomorrow if I don't want to go. I think I would rather go Sunday morning early with the rest of the old geezers while the store is still quiet.
I'm worn out. What else is new!?! I think it's time to change into sweats, pull on my fluffy grey slippers, and see which Harry Potter movie is on in the living room.
Thursday, February 6, 2020
Cheater cheater pumpkin eater
Sins of the day, maybe 2am this morning? Two oreo cookies. Sometimes I just can't say no. They sit on the fridge all the time. Literally all the time. If they run out another bag appears. But as previously stated, sometimes that is all C will eat. In contrast, our food delivery today included some golden berries, apparently very tart, and C can't get enough; he loves them! But cookies continue to be a challenge for me in times of weakness. Maybe they are the space I need to stay on program most of the time. Who knows, but if I don't lose weight Saturday you can bet I will be blaming those cookies, as irrational as that would be caloric-wise. Oh well, moving on.
I think I need to make another batch of pumpkin custard. I think it satisfied something in me, and kept me from midnight excursions to the kitchen. That's the plan, baking custard this weekend.
My dinner was delicious tonight. I sauteed some onion and broccolini in some sesame oil with fresh grated ginger; then tossed in some left over steak and a half cup of a quinoa\brown rice mix. A splattering of Tamari over the top and I was in heaven. I don't know why I don't think to do that more often; pretty quick and so very flavorful. I had all my veggies cooked tonight, they were so good.
(b) Triscuits, cream cheese, banana
(l) Chili, pear
(d) Steak, sir fry veggies
I was thinking today about my reflection in the smoked windows at work, a whole walkway of reflections if you care to look. And I have made a studious habit of avoiding those images. I think I've noted before how depressing it is to see a body I don't recognize looking back at me. But today I didn't shy away when I came upon myself unexpectedly in the breezeway. Instead I noted that my sweater was loose and hanging longer over hips that aren't as round and a more defined buttock. Will wonders never cease.
Break for Picard! And Lego Masters!
Loving Picard, will wait on my opinion of Lego Masters - I think it will improve. I will say that switching to streaming for movies etc is an improvement. We still watch too much tv, but at least we are more selective. I think.
It's cold again tonight, a crisp flow of air from my window sweeping across my legs to cool me down from my stint in the kitchen doing dishes. Meals are planned for the morrow, C is finishing up an episode of Bubble Guppies, and the house is settling down for the night. Another day gone, and the world moves on.
I think I need to make another batch of pumpkin custard. I think it satisfied something in me, and kept me from midnight excursions to the kitchen. That's the plan, baking custard this weekend.
My dinner was delicious tonight. I sauteed some onion and broccolini in some sesame oil with fresh grated ginger; then tossed in some left over steak and a half cup of a quinoa\brown rice mix. A splattering of Tamari over the top and I was in heaven. I don't know why I don't think to do that more often; pretty quick and so very flavorful. I had all my veggies cooked tonight, they were so good.
(b) Triscuits, cream cheese, banana
(l) Chili, pear
(d) Steak, sir fry veggies
I was thinking today about my reflection in the smoked windows at work, a whole walkway of reflections if you care to look. And I have made a studious habit of avoiding those images. I think I've noted before how depressing it is to see a body I don't recognize looking back at me. But today I didn't shy away when I came upon myself unexpectedly in the breezeway. Instead I noted that my sweater was loose and hanging longer over hips that aren't as round and a more defined buttock. Will wonders never cease.
Break for Picard! And Lego Masters!
Loving Picard, will wait on my opinion of Lego Masters - I think it will improve. I will say that switching to streaming for movies etc is an improvement. We still watch too much tv, but at least we are more selective. I think.
It's cold again tonight, a crisp flow of air from my window sweeping across my legs to cool me down from my stint in the kitchen doing dishes. Meals are planned for the morrow, C is finishing up an episode of Bubble Guppies, and the house is settling down for the night. Another day gone, and the world moves on.
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Imperfect Produce
We had our first order from Imperfect Produce last week, and everything arrived looking great. We were missing a bunch of Kale, but you know, a human packed the boxes. We've been using the groceries - I don't think anything is going to waste - and there should be room for the next delivery when it arrives tomorrow. I was worried about the avocados, but the one I had in my salad last night was perfect after sitting in the dark for a couple of days. Good prices, good quality, if the next delivery meets those standards I imagine we'll keep doing this for a while.
This is in line with how we've been gradually downsizing our daily living expenses; switching internet/tv & phone services really helped. And the kids have been eating out less. I've been doing all of my cooking, except for a couple of breakfast meetings and a couple of meals brought in over the past several months. No fast food, no picking up lunch on a whim, I'm sure it has all added up. Simplify, streamline, make do with what you have - those are my go-to standards right along with recycle, reuse.
And it feels good. Of course it has all stemmed from C being diagnosed with Leukemia, and M staying home full time to care for him while R & I are at work. So sure there was an underlying impetus for most of the change But everything else seems to have grown from there. Cleaning out the garage, really thinning out our belongings to make room for Cindy, who of course ended up here for only a week before going to hospital and then assisted care. But even though the process has slowed to a crawl this Winter, I can see us picking right up again in the Spring to continue what we have started.
A clean home, clean eating, simple clothes. I want it all, I want to slip into old age without being surrounded by clutter. I am not being morose, I figure I have a good 20 more years before I am considered to be in my old age. But I want the function & form of my life to be beautiful, and I know it will get there.
(b) Raisin toast, cream cheese w/ cinnamon, pear
(l) Black eyed pea veggie soup, Caracara oranges
(d) Stew w/ potatoes & peas
C was napping when I arrived home today, so I had dinner and then sat down to write, because I know it means he will be up and demanding the attention that is the right of every two year old in just a bit. Well, at least when he isn't glued to Bubble Guppies. That's when I get to work on my Sudoku.
On a side note, I am getting better at doing the puzzles! Yay me and my big beautiful brain. If only our Senators could say that.
This is in line with how we've been gradually downsizing our daily living expenses; switching internet/tv & phone services really helped. And the kids have been eating out less. I've been doing all of my cooking, except for a couple of breakfast meetings and a couple of meals brought in over the past several months. No fast food, no picking up lunch on a whim, I'm sure it has all added up. Simplify, streamline, make do with what you have - those are my go-to standards right along with recycle, reuse.
And it feels good. Of course it has all stemmed from C being diagnosed with Leukemia, and M staying home full time to care for him while R & I are at work. So sure there was an underlying impetus for most of the change But everything else seems to have grown from there. Cleaning out the garage, really thinning out our belongings to make room for Cindy, who of course ended up here for only a week before going to hospital and then assisted care. But even though the process has slowed to a crawl this Winter, I can see us picking right up again in the Spring to continue what we have started.
A clean home, clean eating, simple clothes. I want it all, I want to slip into old age without being surrounded by clutter. I am not being morose, I figure I have a good 20 more years before I am considered to be in my old age. But I want the function & form of my life to be beautiful, and I know it will get there.
(b) Raisin toast, cream cheese w/ cinnamon, pear
(l) Black eyed pea veggie soup, Caracara oranges
(d) Stew w/ potatoes & peas
C was napping when I arrived home today, so I had dinner and then sat down to write, because I know it means he will be up and demanding the attention that is the right of every two year old in just a bit. Well, at least when he isn't glued to Bubble Guppies. That's when I get to work on my Sudoku.
On a side note, I am getting better at doing the puzzles! Yay me and my big beautiful brain. If only our Senators could say that.
Tuesday, February 4, 2020
Challenges
I am taking two whole days off of work to drive down to see me Mum in a couple of weeks. It's a four and a half hour drive, and my Sister will be there when I arrive with soup & salad for lunch. She is the one who introduced me to Bright Line Eating so I know whatever she makes or brings will be absolutely perfect.
The challenge will be not snacking on the way. I won't pack anything, but will need to stop at least twice to stretch out my hips. Otherwise it will be really hard to stand up and start walking once I get there. I've made the drive so many times over the past forty years, and while I don't always eat, I have been known to binge on that drive. Back in the days when nothing satisfied and I would gorge myself.
Mom and I will shop for the rest of the meals, and it really won't be that different than how we usually eat together with one huge exception. No tamale from Tommy's! I usually stop and bring in a late lunch/early dinner for us, and while it's an indulgence, it's once a year, so no biggie. But if you add up all of the 'once a year' splurges it can add up quickly to over a month of unhealthy choices. So I will try to be very particular about choosing if and when I eat off plan. Like for birthday cake; birthday cake trumps tamales. Doesn't it? But even that is a choice for another day. All I need to do is take care of this day. This moment. This hunger pain.
(b) raisin toast, neufchatel cheese, banana
(l) black-eyed pea soup, apple
(d) left over stew, green salad with avocado, cukes, artichoke hearts & green onions
That is enough food for the day, and everything was delicious. So three times today I was blessed; able to feel hungry, eat good food, and be satisfied. It's more than many get in a day, and I am reminding myself of all the usual stuff tonight. Be grateful. Embrace the growling because it means you are fasting and the immune system can focus on more important things than digesting more food.
C is knocking at my door, but I am out of oomph and ready to call it a day. It's a good thing they are still up so I can't sneak out for a snack, because for some reason I am struggling tonight. I just need to stay in bed, listen to my book, and fall asleep. Easy Peasy. Challenge accepted.
The challenge will be not snacking on the way. I won't pack anything, but will need to stop at least twice to stretch out my hips. Otherwise it will be really hard to stand up and start walking once I get there. I've made the drive so many times over the past forty years, and while I don't always eat, I have been known to binge on that drive. Back in the days when nothing satisfied and I would gorge myself.
Mom and I will shop for the rest of the meals, and it really won't be that different than how we usually eat together with one huge exception. No tamale from Tommy's! I usually stop and bring in a late lunch/early dinner for us, and while it's an indulgence, it's once a year, so no biggie. But if you add up all of the 'once a year' splurges it can add up quickly to over a month of unhealthy choices. So I will try to be very particular about choosing if and when I eat off plan. Like for birthday cake; birthday cake trumps tamales. Doesn't it? But even that is a choice for another day. All I need to do is take care of this day. This moment. This hunger pain.
(b) raisin toast, neufchatel cheese, banana
(l) black-eyed pea soup, apple
(d) left over stew, green salad with avocado, cukes, artichoke hearts & green onions
That is enough food for the day, and everything was delicious. So three times today I was blessed; able to feel hungry, eat good food, and be satisfied. It's more than many get in a day, and I am reminding myself of all the usual stuff tonight. Be grateful. Embrace the growling because it means you are fasting and the immune system can focus on more important things than digesting more food.
C is knocking at my door, but I am out of oomph and ready to call it a day. It's a good thing they are still up so I can't sneak out for a snack, because for some reason I am struggling tonight. I just need to stay in bed, listen to my book, and fall asleep. Easy Peasy. Challenge accepted.
Monday, February 3, 2020
Looking past Monday
I am determined to not complain again about it being Monday. Even I am tired of it.
The house is unusually quiet. I can hear A chatting on her ipad with a friend (we share a bedroom wall), and C is sleeping in his parents bed while they are off deciding what's for dinner. So peaceful, but with an edge of listening to keep me on my toes.
(b) raisin toast, cheese, banana
(l) black-eyed peas soup with knockwurst, apple
(d) meatball, roasted sweet potato & onion
Once again dinner is so filling I am skipping my salad. I know it's not right, but it doesn't feel wrong enough to do anything about it. And besides, the kitchen is clean right now and I don't want to clean up after myself anymore than I have to this evening - did I mention it's Monday??
The soup I made this weekend was delicious at lunch today; it makes me so glad when soup turns out right. But the whole switching decaf coffee for decaf black tea this morning wasn't so great. Turns out I am more susceptible to the caffeine in the tea, and the pitter pat of my little heart was not welcome today. I like feeling awake but calm. After years of taking anti-anxiety meds for my back, I had to re-learn how to be calm without them, and here I am years later again, and not wanting to rock the boat. So I'm not sure what I will be drinking in the morning to 'get going'. Maybe decaf green tea? Or maybe some herbal licorice.
I've been totally without caffeine before, I know it's totally doable, but I wasn't getting up to drive in traffic to a JOB at that point in my life. What to do, what to do. I don't want to go back to coffee because it's too much cream - even the coconut, oat milk blend I am currently using is processed, and part of losing the coffee is cutting back on that too.
So many little details to simplifying things, I guess like anything else it gets worse before it gets better. But it will all work out, I know this. And I love that I see it all as little challenges to figure out, instead of being overwhelmed by the bigger picture. And I do see a bigger picture, where most things have been simplified, leaving the time and brainpower for really important stuff.
Bright Line Eating has allowed me this perspective, and I am so grateful. Because before it was always, "when I lose weight". Everything came after that. And now that I can see that happening, all of that everything is seeming real.
The house is unusually quiet. I can hear A chatting on her ipad with a friend (we share a bedroom wall), and C is sleeping in his parents bed while they are off deciding what's for dinner. So peaceful, but with an edge of listening to keep me on my toes.
(b) raisin toast, cheese, banana
(l) black-eyed peas soup with knockwurst, apple
(d) meatball, roasted sweet potato & onion
Once again dinner is so filling I am skipping my salad. I know it's not right, but it doesn't feel wrong enough to do anything about it. And besides, the kitchen is clean right now and I don't want to clean up after myself anymore than I have to this evening - did I mention it's Monday??
The soup I made this weekend was delicious at lunch today; it makes me so glad when soup turns out right. But the whole switching decaf coffee for decaf black tea this morning wasn't so great. Turns out I am more susceptible to the caffeine in the tea, and the pitter pat of my little heart was not welcome today. I like feeling awake but calm. After years of taking anti-anxiety meds for my back, I had to re-learn how to be calm without them, and here I am years later again, and not wanting to rock the boat. So I'm not sure what I will be drinking in the morning to 'get going'. Maybe decaf green tea? Or maybe some herbal licorice.
I've been totally without caffeine before, I know it's totally doable, but I wasn't getting up to drive in traffic to a JOB at that point in my life. What to do, what to do. I don't want to go back to coffee because it's too much cream - even the coconut, oat milk blend I am currently using is processed, and part of losing the coffee is cutting back on that too.
So many little details to simplifying things, I guess like anything else it gets worse before it gets better. But it will all work out, I know this. And I love that I see it all as little challenges to figure out, instead of being overwhelmed by the bigger picture. And I do see a bigger picture, where most things have been simplified, leaving the time and brainpower for really important stuff.
Bright Line Eating has allowed me this perspective, and I am so grateful. Because before it was always, "when I lose weight". Everything came after that. And now that I can see that happening, all of that everything is seeming real.
Sunday, February 2, 2020
Just for Today
There are different ways to interpret that, and for me, being Superbowl, it meant that Just for Today I will snack a little, and bend a bright line or two. While this goes against most things I have listened to in Module 5 of the Bright Line Eating boot camp about special occasions and holidays, it also speaks to the idea of 'what works for me'. I've brought this up so frequently lately, I can't help but wonder if I am in a self justification loop. But really, until I stop losing weight I can't take that seriously. Better to keep going on as I am, feeling confident that it's right for me.
The day started buying groceries; the kids needs a few things for nachos and I needed a protein to cook and have on hand for meals in the coming week. I did find some chuck steaks on sale, and cooked them up with garlic powder and Braggs seasonings. Sliced thin and stored in a bowl in the fridge it's ready to add to a stir fry or roasted veg during the week.
(b) Raisin toast, cheese, grapes
(l) Steak, fritos, grapes
(d) Roasted sweet potatoe & onion, turkey meatball
Snacks: One tortilla chip with beans, cheese, jalapeno & sr cream, sip of amaretto, a couple (literally 2) fritos dipped in nacho sauce. Nothing horrific, and while the day was short on vegetables and fritos aren't really a food, I never felt stuffed or like I had overeaten.
Meals are ready for next week, and I feel like I am already back on track after a tiny splurge.
It would have been nice if the Niners had won the game, but there were a few great commercials and it was fun watching the game with the family and playing with C. Now it's time for bubble guppies and sudoku; one for C and one for me.
The day started buying groceries; the kids needs a few things for nachos and I needed a protein to cook and have on hand for meals in the coming week. I did find some chuck steaks on sale, and cooked them up with garlic powder and Braggs seasonings. Sliced thin and stored in a bowl in the fridge it's ready to add to a stir fry or roasted veg during the week.
(b) Raisin toast, cheese, grapes
(l) Steak, fritos, grapes
(d) Roasted sweet potatoe & onion, turkey meatball
Snacks: One tortilla chip with beans, cheese, jalapeno & sr cream, sip of amaretto, a couple (literally 2) fritos dipped in nacho sauce. Nothing horrific, and while the day was short on vegetables and fritos aren't really a food, I never felt stuffed or like I had overeaten.
Meals are ready for next week, and I feel like I am already back on track after a tiny splurge.
It would have been nice if the Niners had won the game, but there were a few great commercials and it was fun watching the game with the family and playing with C. Now it's time for bubble guppies and sudoku; one for C and one for me.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Bright Line Eating; week 17 in review
Another 1.2 lbs gone this week; and only another 1.2 to go until I reach the 20lb mark. I've never ever lost this much while on a 'diet', I think I topped out at 12lbs as the most ever lost while dieting. I did lose 50lbs once over the course of three years while eating for nutrition, but for most of that time I was out of work and had time each day to shop and prep and cook. But once back to work it was not sustainable. The same muscles I use to chop veggies were being used at the keyboard, and my back pain would flair and pinch.
It really was a series of unfortunate events, going back to work for Open Heart Kitchen I would start my shift by assigning volunteers to portion and wrap all of the bakery items donated by local restaurants and grocery stores. That was the beginning of a downward spiral with sugar and flour. At the time my 2nd job was in project management that kept me driving all over the Bay Area, and it didn't take long to start driving through for fast food while on the road. I did try to make 'healthy' choices; bean burritos from the Green Chilie's menu at Carl's Jr., or veggie burgers from Burger King. I knew they were still awful for me, but I was busy, tired, and really depressed at having two part time jobs that each paid less than $15/hr. I mean really.
But those three years I didn't feel like I was dieting, I was eating for nutrition and feeding my body. And it's those years that gave me the foundation to succeed now. Because again, I do not feel like I am dieting. My focus is on healing my brain and taking care of myself the best I can. Even when I splurge or break a Bright Line it's a momentary thing, not a dramatic Oh My God I've failed! No, it's just me being human and I have never been so ready to forgive myself and keep moving forward. I love the quote they used in Frozen, about doing the next right thing. That was me yesterday after having the chocolate, I was immediately ready to do the next right thing. So I drove home hungry, and shopped, and waited to eat a Bright Line dinner.
I'll have to check in later about today's meals. I had a yummy breakfast but need to cook. There are black eyed peas and knockworst to make, there are garbanzos and celery for lettuce wraps, and beans and tomatoes to make soup. I'm just not sure what I will cook today for dinner. There are left overs from dinner last night that I can have for lunch, so no hurry and no stress.
It's beautiful out, in the 60's and sunny. We are chatting about how we want to set up the garden this year, and have seeds to get in our little milk-jug green houses. So fun! The dirt patch will be melons and squash, we'll have a raised bed of corn, one for tomatoes, one for peppers, and the fourth is still a mystery Then snap peas and maybe beans too to grow against a rail on the fence. Oh, and we are going to splurge and buy a strawberry pot - they were so delicious last summer and we all want those again, just more of them!
------------------------------
1 pint black eyed peas
3 carrots chopped
1 bunch celery heart, leaves and all
1 really large onion, diced and sauteed
3C chopped green cabbage
12 oz diced Knockwurst
32 oz canned diced tomatoes
1 qt chicken stock
21 spice TJ's seasoning, Oregano, 3 bay leaves
Bring to a boil and simmer 2.5 hours
I didn't check the ingredients in the seasoning mix, but for sure there must be salt because the soup is salty. Not in a bad way, just intense compared to how I've been cooking since starting on blood pressure meds half a dozen years ago or thereabouts. R roasted sweet potatoes and onions, and I pulled turkey meatballs out of the freezer to make a couple more meals with my share for a total of six new lunches or dinners, plus there are two chili dishes left over from last week and two oatmeal breakfast dishes in the fridge.
(b) Raisin bread, cheese, banana
(l) Knackwurst and corn
(d) Lasagna, cabbage & romaine salad
(d) Half a brownie
Up to now I have been able to abstain from eating the brownies that show up so often. Fresh baked and full of chocolate chips it was just too much. And honestly, I usually do have a little bite of something on Saturdays - a sort of treat on the day I weigh-in. So I guess I still do play head games with the scale after all - knowing I have the full week ahead to 'be good'. SIGH.
It really was a series of unfortunate events, going back to work for Open Heart Kitchen I would start my shift by assigning volunteers to portion and wrap all of the bakery items donated by local restaurants and grocery stores. That was the beginning of a downward spiral with sugar and flour. At the time my 2nd job was in project management that kept me driving all over the Bay Area, and it didn't take long to start driving through for fast food while on the road. I did try to make 'healthy' choices; bean burritos from the Green Chilie's menu at Carl's Jr., or veggie burgers from Burger King. I knew they were still awful for me, but I was busy, tired, and really depressed at having two part time jobs that each paid less than $15/hr. I mean really.
But those three years I didn't feel like I was dieting, I was eating for nutrition and feeding my body. And it's those years that gave me the foundation to succeed now. Because again, I do not feel like I am dieting. My focus is on healing my brain and taking care of myself the best I can. Even when I splurge or break a Bright Line it's a momentary thing, not a dramatic Oh My God I've failed! No, it's just me being human and I have never been so ready to forgive myself and keep moving forward. I love the quote they used in Frozen, about doing the next right thing. That was me yesterday after having the chocolate, I was immediately ready to do the next right thing. So I drove home hungry, and shopped, and waited to eat a Bright Line dinner.
I'll have to check in later about today's meals. I had a yummy breakfast but need to cook. There are black eyed peas and knockworst to make, there are garbanzos and celery for lettuce wraps, and beans and tomatoes to make soup. I'm just not sure what I will cook today for dinner. There are left overs from dinner last night that I can have for lunch, so no hurry and no stress.
It's beautiful out, in the 60's and sunny. We are chatting about how we want to set up the garden this year, and have seeds to get in our little milk-jug green houses. So fun! The dirt patch will be melons and squash, we'll have a raised bed of corn, one for tomatoes, one for peppers, and the fourth is still a mystery Then snap peas and maybe beans too to grow against a rail on the fence. Oh, and we are going to splurge and buy a strawberry pot - they were so delicious last summer and we all want those again, just more of them!
------------------------------
1 pint black eyed peas
3 carrots chopped
1 bunch celery heart, leaves and all
1 really large onion, diced and sauteed
3C chopped green cabbage
12 oz diced Knockwurst
32 oz canned diced tomatoes
1 qt chicken stock
21 spice TJ's seasoning, Oregano, 3 bay leaves
Bring to a boil and simmer 2.5 hours
I didn't check the ingredients in the seasoning mix, but for sure there must be salt because the soup is salty. Not in a bad way, just intense compared to how I've been cooking since starting on blood pressure meds half a dozen years ago or thereabouts. R roasted sweet potatoes and onions, and I pulled turkey meatballs out of the freezer to make a couple more meals with my share for a total of six new lunches or dinners, plus there are two chili dishes left over from last week and two oatmeal breakfast dishes in the fridge.
(b) Raisin bread, cheese, banana
(l) Knackwurst and corn
(d) Lasagna, cabbage & romaine salad
(d) Half a brownie
Up to now I have been able to abstain from eating the brownies that show up so often. Fresh baked and full of chocolate chips it was just too much. And honestly, I usually do have a little bite of something on Saturdays - a sort of treat on the day I weigh-in. So I guess I still do play head games with the scale after all - knowing I have the full week ahead to 'be good'. SIGH.
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