February

It suddenly occurred to me today why I am struggling, why I feel like I am fighting and giving up all of a sudden. It's February, the middle of my mourning season. February 16th will mark 14 years since Joey's life ended in this world and began in the next. My mom' birthday is the 11th, Valentines Day the 14th, and then Joeys Death Day the 16th. The beginning of March is my birthday, C's is in the middle, then the end of March my sisters, my dearly departed Aunt Beth's birthday was April and Mother's day is in May. I get time off  in June, July & August before the cycle starts up again in September. First with R's birthday, then Joey's, followed by the holiday season from Halloween to Superbowl. What a way to track time.

The angst has been building, but I figured I had just burned out, and was dreading facing that as I have had so much faith in Bright Line Eating and the results I have enjoyed up until this past week. I am hoping that acknowledging this will help me in the coming weeks as I try to let myself ride out the waves of grief as they hit, instead of falling into one of the previous patterns of denial and\or burial that I tend to fall into.

Doing the next right thing each day will be my mantra for the rest of February this year.

(b) Triscuits, cheese, pear
(l)  Roast chicken, mixed veggies
(d)  Baked beans, curly fries, ice cream

As you may have noticed things fell apart earlier this evening. The family was off to a friends for a crab feast, and I was home alone watching Netflix in between finishing up dishes and laundry. And all of a sudden I noticed that all of the strength of purpose I have been feeling since October was gone. Had dissipated into the ether. Just gone. And while I could watch from a distance and think, 'that's not right', I started to eat. But instead of making my salad as intended, I finished C's leftover fries, and then had a cup of ice cream that I knew was in the freezer. BIG GIANT EFFING SIGH.

It was after the ice cream that I checked my phone. I had plugged it in earlier after the power came back on this afternoon to make sure it was fully charged if the wind blew it out again. (It didn't.) Anyway, it was from my mom, letting me know that she had gone to dinner with my sister and had been the recipient of a free birthday desert. And lightening struck; it's February.

Now I've know it's been February for nine days, this is not a surprise. Part of my job in accounting depends on processing that is strictly bound to the time of month. Download bank statements on the 1st, get financials produced by the 10th, process late fees on the 16th. I am always aware of the date and making sure things get done on time. But while my subconscious was stressing I remained blissfully unaware until this afternoon as to the why of it all. Not just another month, but February.

Our brains are mysterious and confusing, that is for sure. Because right now I don't want to think about it, I want to share how beautifully my Bright Line baked beans were, and why. But I can't. Because my brain is overrun with emotions and memories and the need to fight fight fight, and it's all just so exhausting and discouraging.

     I pray for Love and Light.
     I pray for healing over night.
     I feel the strength inside my heart; burning bright, taking flight.

Pause to breathe. In and out. In and out. Om Namah Shivaya