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Tuesday, January 31, 2012


In some ways it's pathetic how I seem to have not made much, if any, headway since I first started this rant and rave. Mostly it doesn't seem as many years ago as it has actually been, but other times it feels like forever and that I should be coming out the other side of morose to greet mental health in all it's shining glory. If only.

But for today I feel hope, and in some small measure this is enough to kick start the morning. Clean and shiny, tummy rumbling to break my fast, and an hour before I'm out the front door. As MF would say, "It's all good!"

Monday, January 30, 2012

Short Walks

Beginning in May when I started doing time 8/5 at a desk I also started taking short walks during my generous half hour lunch break. I'm sure I make quite the character striding along while eating out of my little plastic container, ear buds in and walking shoes on. Today I walked faster and went farther than my usual route, feeling the impending doom of spring and the lack of an appropriate wardrobe that will fit.

I figure I have two months to bust out some results in order to avoid greeting a spring that is more blue than green.  I have high hopes for the coming warm season; stripping the garage, putting in a garden, painting the bedroom door. And for the energy level I need I figure I need to shed some excess baggage.

Each day I do a little better; eat a little less and move a little more. Eventually I will tip the balance and start on the downward side of this spiral that has taken me by storm. I just need to keep trying, and I will get there.  I will. After all, I have done it before many times. Good Grief.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

January in California

Finally the weather feels like it should; sunny and bright and beautiful with a cool touch to the breeze. And for this to all happen on a Sunday is just ... Bliss.  I pumped up the air in my bike tires and took it for a spin down to the pond. I also took my new video camera and shot a few minutes of winter wetlands, I'll upload it if I can figure out how to get it from the camera to the computer.  Home to salad for lunch, walking the dog, and most recently pruning the roses in front of the house.

I had to get out and move, my neck and back are so tight from all the computer work I do Monday thru Friday my body is feeling about a hundred instead of only a little past half that much.

Yesterday I made a batch of veggie base and used part of it in last night's spaghetti and the the rest is simmering away with lentils for tonight's dinner. Between the two meals I will have healthy lunches all week too, so I feel I have accomplished much for a change.  Now to finish the laundry and the dishes and I will be ready for another week of the J.O.B.

Veggie Base: Dice all veggies and do a slow saute in 2T canola or olive oil ( I did 50/50) stirring occasionally until veggies just begin to caramelize on the bottom. Add each veggie as you finish dicing in the chopping order below.
1C each onion & then celery
2 large stalks Bok Choy
1C carrots
4 oz spinach

With this you can make a variety of soups and sauces throughout the week, or use it to make a couple of big batches like I am doing this weekend.  Depending on what you have planned, you can blend this or use it as is.

Big sigh, back to farming, laundry and dishes. It's just not enough but I have to start somewhere.

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's a new Day

Yay, I feel like me this morning.
Ready for work, check.
Green smoothie in the car, check.
Vegan lunch packed, check.
Fruit for the drive home, check.
Walking shoes on in case the rain breaks, check.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Night Owls and Early Birds

I have always been an early bird, enjoying the quiet freshness of a new day with all of it's possibilities. Not that I ever took much time to think about possibilities, just that I enjoyed the flavours they gave to the early morning hours. This meant I couldn't soar with the night owls though, and I knew I was missing something there; the music and parties I saw other's enjoying were beyond me. But we are what we are and while I never much hunted for worms I did enjoy sunrises, and quiet hours in which to putter. That is until we met Hal (Poodle's word for computers - I think I have mentioned this before) and all of a sudden the morning became about sliding in front of a screen and having those precious morning hours sucked away.

Lately I have lost even that, the joy of mindless surfing, browsing, chatting and farming has somehow dropped away and like all new toys the glamour has faded. I wake now and turn over to burrow back into a warm bed, seeking the oblivion of sleep. I feel like my body is no longer my own, filled with lead and such a burden to drag around it's much easier to just...not. I think I spent three hours last evening sitting watching first the Golden Globe awards and then my favorite Sunday night show. I was in bed by 9ish, and this morning at 6ish I lay in bed knowing it was too late to turn over, that I needed to get up for work. One would think 9 hours of sleep sufficient to the day, but apparently not.

I miss waking up and ready to greet the day. I miss my beautiful morning hours. I miss me.

After Joey died I found that the combination of having online farming at my fingertips and an audio book plugged in at my ears I could disappear for a bit. And if I wasn't farming I still  had the book on while I did my chores.  It kept me going, kept my brain from obsessing on the morbid so I could move my feet. But over the holidays I never made it to the Library and my Christmas decorations are still strewn about the house waiting to be packed away. Ugh. In my defense I have begun, but all the small hand movements really irritate my back and I can only do so much before I punk out - hence the 3 hours on the couch last night and the whining about it this morning.

Crazy to spend my morning hours whining instead of...well, instead of anything else really. My idea this morning wasn't to explain how deep and wide my pity pool is, but rather to write a little something about ...and I just hit a brick wall. Because I refuse to go on about good intentions and I can't dwell on how far I have once again fallen.  I think I have already written the most important thing anyway - - - I miss me. I want me back.

Monday, January 2, 2012


I think I might have hidden this holiday season, my ghost self taking over and gliding through the familiar routines of Christmas and New Years. Lots of love and joy, presents and visits and decorations. But I never felt really present myself; distracted in a numbing sort of way. I don't know why, except that everything feels sort of wrong. Living an inauthentic life is very draining and I find myself exhausted all the time. Reading my last few entries I can see the negative spiral - if I can see it why can't I change it up? Too much chocolate at work, despite good intentions to the contrary, was not a great way to set the mood for the season. Thank heavens for these few days off from the office.

See, this is why I stopped writing - it's all crap anymore. I need to get over myself and back to healthy stuff.

And the first thing that comes to mind is the black eyed pea stoup I made for New Years Day Luck. Let's see if I can remember what I did.
Dice & slowly sautee until caramelized 1 small red onion (about half an hour)
While that was cooking diced up:
all the small celery stalks and leaves from the center of the bunch
one small sun choke
one half each red, yellow & green peppers

added those to soup pan with the onions along with a dash of liquid smoke, several shakes of salt free seasoning & a drizzle of molassess
Chopped up the leaves and small stems of 1 bunch of swiss chard
Once the peppers looked softened I added the chard, 15oz chopped canned tomatoes and 1 carton of Imagine Vegetable Stock and 2 cups of black eyed peas that had soaked overnight and brought it all to a boil. I think it simmered 2 hours before the beans were soft and added 1cup of warm water along the way.

Rich and delicious I never had a bowl because I had filled up on homemade cornbread and a taste of the beans my partner had cooked up for his New Year's Day Luck. Even his greens were lovely once I was brave enough to try them.

It's cold again this morning, and I'm up way too early. I don't know why 4am is my new waking hour, or why I think sleeping 10-6 is better than 8-4. Oh well, go with the flow and it is what it is and all that.

Today there is much to do; pack away Christmas decorations while watching the Rose Parade for about the 36th time in my life, clean up the mess we left in the kitchen yesterday, and reconfigure the computer set up in my home 'office' to free up some desk top space so that it is more conducive to actually working.

Just thinking about it I find my mind drifting to the idea of pancakes....

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS CHANGE YOUR LIFE.  Okay, a SHORT stack of harvest grain pancakes.