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Thursday, November 24, 2011


"If I set the table for us will you sit and eat dinner with me?"

"I guess"

Enuf said.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This is why we shouldn't depend on others for our happiness.

Good movie, good wine, good food, a good day and lots to be thankful for despite aforementioned evidence to the contrary.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A good Day

Busy busy busy. Blending up some Ibarra hot chocolate to fill thermoses, blowing up balloons to decorate a party at the park, and romping with children on a beautiful Fall day; how wonderful it all was. Later buying groceries I indulged in a loaf of 9 grain sourdough and some sliced Munster for grilled cheese tomorrow, but for dinner today picked up portobello caps and a small container of real full fat sour cream. Yum.

1.  Put brown rice on to steam FIRST since it takes an hour.
2. Start the pancetta browning in a little oil
3. Preheat oven to 400
4. Scrub and chop ten large carrots; toss well with a little oil, black pepper and salt free spices; set aside
5. Dice up the mushroom caps and add to the pan of pancetta. Dice up 1 medium onion and set aside.
6. Spread out the carrots on a baking tray and into the oven; timer set for 30 minutes
7. Stirring occasionally, wait for the shrooms to shrink and brown up nicely (10-15 minutes) then add the diced onion. Let mixture cook until onion is soft and moisture is gone. Deglaze with enough veggie broth to cover veggies, add 1T Worcestershire sauce & black pepper. Simmer until broth is reduced by half then turn on low.
8. When timer rings for carrots turn off oven, keeping carrots warm inside.
9. When timer rings for rice, stir in half the container of sour cream to veggie pan until well blended and heated through. If needed, season with Salt Free blend of choice. Remove carrots from oven.
10. Put half of the rice from steamer into a bowl and stir in 1T butter.
11. Serve Rice in two bowls, each topped with Stroganoff veggies, leaving room in each bowl for half the roasted carrots. Any left over rice and veggies and be saved to start another dish another day.

What a wonderful early dinner on what has become a dark and cold day. There is sour cream left over for tomorrow night's baked potatoes, and yes, my weekend is apparently revolving around food. Which is fine by me.  We had pizza, hot chocolate and cupcakes (tiny, beautiful, light & delicious) for lunch, and I plan on toast and peanut butter for breakfast in the morning.

I got lots of hugs this morning from my granddaughter who will be three on Monday. Lots of running around and fun at the park, a few tears at the swings, some great presents, and wonderful seeing so many faces that I love to see.  Today is a good day.

Monday, October 17, 2011


This morning I lay in bed thinking that at least there had been a good week before hitting this new low. And as I got up to start the day the serious thought came that there must be some sort of underlying mental illness that keeps me in this cycle; a sort of  mini-bipolar. Sitting down to write it all out I scanned back a week and was actually a little bit surprised to find how positive I actually was a week or so ago. Surprised to remember my epiphany about changing my weight because it just didn't feel like 'me'. Where did that girl go? I want her back!

There have been times in my life that I have referred to myself as two people; Anne and Vail, Jekyll and Hyde, whatever. But in analyzing the thought when it came I could never actually divide my personality in half - each persona having good and and bad traits. So later on when struggling to understand why I was or wasn't doing something I would instead visualize the little angel and devil from childhood cartoons sitting on my shoulders and delegate the internal argument to them.

It must be normal to some degree, this internal examination, but as E. Gilbert said in her book, "Can I please have an unexamined lunch?"   The desire to feel 'normal' - defined by a fat person as having the compulsion to eat stripped cleanly away leaving only the rational desires for fuel left - was a strong recurring lament in my younger years. I think somewhere along the journey I became embittered by it. Then later this dissolved into the pity pool, just another component of what was rapidly becoming a lake to drown in. I must have recognized this and labeling so many posts as 'pity party' did help me to visualize getting out of the 'water'. How I digress. What was I saying? Oh yes, mental illness, the two me's, the arguing, the desire for internal peace. I've been actively analyzing everything since....ok, I can't pinpoint exactly when because it goes back so far. Before high school, before junior high. My first strong memory might be in elementary school and watching the big kids wait for the bus taking them to jr. high and being intimidated because certainly I would never be able to learn enough to do that. Something along those lines. Crazy that; I was an early reader, the fastest runner in my class, and already beating myself up inside. And no, I was not a fat kid. I was healthy and athletic. The fat came later - and yes, probably a direct correlation between thinking and eating. The more I thought, the more the compulsion to stuff my face.

Which brings me full circle to the thought this morning that there is something intrinsically wrong inside, something not 'normal' that keeps me from staying level headed and focused and positive. Somebody PLEASE hand me a scalpel. Or maybe just a thread and needle. Because I am tired. I want the gene fixed, or the lesion removed. I want the internal dialogue to fricken CHANGE THE CHANNEL and leave me alone for a while. I want more than a good week, I want a good year, hell, I'll take a good month to start.

Thoughts are things? Okay fine, I'm putting Pollyanna in charge.

Sigh, proofing this for spelling I see the sadness and rage and how for all my struggles and book learning and experience nothing has really changed from that little girl standing at the fence. I'm still looking out on the world wondering how to be good enough.  The good news is that a low this deep will instigate a new high in my roller coaster of moods - bring it on!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Treadmill Wars

Let the battles begin. Half an hour kicked my butt. I don't want to post stats or keep a running balance of calories in and calories out. I don't really even want to mark this as another day one of starting to "exercise". Today I moved more, I am sore for doing it, and I am not in a particularly good mood about it despite the fact that I did follow through on an intention, and for a moment there it did feel good to break a sweat.

Roasting veggies and the pot roast they engulf send tantalizing aromas wafting through the house as I sit here clicking and clacking away. The background noise is courtesy of Nascar in the livingroom and it's a perfect Autumn day outside where I have been doing some cleanup Back inside little Kaylee is keeping close to hand, seemingly glad that I am home, and my lively and entertaining granddaughter is coming over for the evening. And yet, despite all the small comforting components of the day, I am....blah. Where does the joy go when it disappears anway? I'm not upset, just curious. Because I feel drained and void of the energy it takes to care and I would like to think that someone, somewhere, is making good use of it. Maybe I'm just tired. I know this mood will pass, and I suppose I am in no hurry for it to change. I would just like a little bit of a spark to get me through the evening  until it's time to disappear between the sheets. It's at times like this I miss having a cuppa coffee - but I am not willing to toss and turn later to pay for a pick-me-up now.

Yawwwwwn.  The first day of working out sucks. Tomorrow will be better, and next week good, and next month I will be ever so glad that I started today. Won't I?  I'd better be...cuz just now it's hard to even sit up straight.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

"As above, so below."

This is one of my favorite 'Eat Pray Love' quotes, just thinking it gives me a sense of hope. That no matter the bad or good decisions I might have made this day, I will eventually end up in the same place. Of course directly on the heels of that thought comes the reminder that I choose whether the path getting there is heaven or hell. I'm thinking my path is like that in a garden. Smooth and sandy in some places, and a washed out brick basket weave in others. No matter, it's my path and it is what it is.  This retrospective melancholia comes from the ice cream bars we had for dessert tonight. Would my life really be better in the long run had I not splurged on the extra calories this evening? Wasn't the fun and yummines of eating this decadent bar of vanilla, chocolate and caramel worth the calories; wasn't it all about 'living in the  moment' that is suppose to mean so much?

Yes and Yes. So I will bite the bullet and see about adding my name on to the household gym membership. I don't know why I can't get out to walk or to ride my bike; I use to love going down to see the water and wildlife. But now I get home starving for dinner and my back so tired I don't want to do much of anything except eat.  But if I am going to eat ice cream, I need to exercise. Thank heavens for microwave potatoes, cooking ahead on the weekends, and the raise at work that will let me join the gym.  As much as it bothers me, as soon as I do join the gym I will officially feel like I have joined the rat race.   Rats.   Pun intended.

Office Chat

I have recently let myself be annoyed by the chatter in the office. At least once a day there is a conversation that is not a conversation at all. Just two or more people taking turns retelling something we have already heard but that for some reason they need to re-vocalize. Is it their ego struggling to be heard? Are they so insecure that they feel the need, subconscious or not, to make sure we know how that they are wonderful, or put upon or just very special in this particular circumstance that drives them to the repetition of the tale?

So instead of wasting energy being irritated I will instead strive to understand their motivation. I know we all do this to some extent, a way to explore or relive the emotions of an experience that in some way bolsters us. Mostly  it just bothers me when there is no conversation, just one person pushing their dialogue upon another without the give and take of words and ideas that can lead somewhere. Anywhere. A new idea, a different perspective.  I know that as a young mother I would have irritated the me I am now - young mothers have a hard time with the ebb and flow of conversation as we instead are compelled to spout the virtues of our offspring. That is normal, and a shining example of ego and it's need to survive.  But I digress and need to be off to work.

I will need to think about this later, and figure out a way to tune out the office chatter. Maybe I just need to be more accepting of where these others are in their life and not be a cranky old woman. Today I will be Pollyanna, glad that I have ears to hear and a job where I happen to overhear more than I would like.

Friday, October 7, 2011

All about the greens

Or lack thereof.  For two days I have been stressed at work, rushed and irritated about one thing or another at some point in the day. Don't get me wrong, there have been some bright spots in there too, but not at the crucial decision making crossroads of hunger, time and food. I think it began Wednesday when the line at the bank atm was so long I opted instead to pick up dinner from Panda Express. No, that morning when I was running late and drove through for breakfast. Here are the past couple of days of food:

Hash Brown sticks & Decaf coffee: Jacks
Homemade leftover veggie pasta mix
Rice, Thai Chicken, steamed veggies: Panda Express

Hash Brown sticks & Decaf coffee: Jacks
Homemade leftover veggie pasta mix
snack: small piece of cake at work
Potato and homemade bean stoup

Someone who doesn't know how I feel about what eating right is might look at this and see lots of good choices, a few splurges, and what's the big deal. The big deal is that there is so much processed food products and not much food. The ratio of green plants to starch is sitting way too heavy on the starchy side of the teeter totter. There are NO raw veggies, my daily salad is missing. And while there are veggies in the pasta, I wouldn't normally have pasta twice in the same month, let alone the same week.

The point is that the accumulation of low nutrient choices has resulted in a bad mood this morning. I look over the last couple of days and see No omega 3's in my morning smoothie, no big green salad for digestion, and too much processed food gunking up the system. Ugh.  So I'm off to the kitchen to start the day better with a nutritious breakfast, packing the last of the lentil soup for lunch because once again I am running late (no, I did not farm this morning) and planning on either soup or salad for dinner depending on the condition of my back and the weather when I get home from work. I have a hard time making a salad when I am cold. Adding an Apple in the car for the drive home, and a thermos of herbal tea to sip on at work, this should be a good day and because of it I'll feel better tomorrow morning than I do on this one.

Damn it's a lot of work to keep my mood stable and my body happy. But it's worth it. TGIF!!!! Crap, it's already a quarter to eight, gotta run!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

No to Cake

We had cake at the office on Monday. I had a small piece. I had another small piece yesterday. Today I said No to the cake when it beseeched me to please cut off just one more little piece so it wouldn't go to waste. I'm more important than the cake, or the feelings of the person who brought it.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Lunch & Dinner

I'm so happy I spent some time cooking this weekend. Lunch today is a casserole of veggies, mozzarella cheeze (a z not an s in cheeze) and spinach\tomato noodles. I did throw a handful of real cheese in, a Parmesan\ Romano blend, but not much, and I'm sure the benefits of all the spinach I added outweight any damage from that quarter.

I still feel good, and full of calm from my recent insight, and I'm happy it's lunchtime!

First, getting in the car after work and seeing the apple I had brought to eat on the way home I couldn't help but exclaim, "Oh the cleverness of me!" Sigh, how good to feel like me for a change.  I got home and the kitchen was being used, but I was able to wait it out and when it was my turn made the Mac n Cheeze recipe that I had posted on the fridge this weekend from  While it would not be my choice for "Macaroni and Cheese", it is definitely a keeper as a companion to veggies on a regular basis. I have lots left over to freeze for at least six more dinners and it will be easy to steam up some veggies, defrost the noodles, and throw them together for great future dinners.
Here is my dinner serving of Mac N Cheeze nestled atop my Brussels sprouts that I sliced and steamed in veggie broth. I was tempted to go back for more, but once I took the time to upload the picture everything had settled and I was no longer hungry. I love the ideas and recipes I find over there, and Susan does a great job of motivating me.

Another good day. I did think about stopping for french fries on the way home, but I immediately thought about who was in charge and what I wanted my life to be like and I drove on past without a single qualm.

I hate being my own cheerleader, but....Go Me!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

An inauthentic life

I was 19 and driving with my Mother down the winding highway from Lake Arrowhead to Los Angeles when I saw the thick dark expanse of smog that lay between us, here in the clear mountain air, and our destination, the city.  And the gut feeling that this was wrong struck a chord in me that presaged a crossroads in my life that would change everything. Later that Summer I hitched a ride to Northern California with a ... well, a friend with benefits. (It was the 70's, what can I say.) Working in San Francisco I met someone who took me in a totally new and different direction than I would ever have imagined.

I was almost 21 when I looked around and thought, what the fuck am I doing here? I was living at a Ranch with a man eleven years my senior, and while there is a whole other story here to be told, the bottom line was that I had reached a place in my life that felt inauthentic and I wanted out. I packed up and moved in with friends who in turn introduced me to the man I would eventually marry and have children with.

At 24 this same man and I were messing about with drugs, and one day I saw a picture of us and again the thought came, what the fuck am I doing? This is Not me. I am a strong, healthy, athletic, wholesome creature - how on earth did I get here? I knew that once again I had wandered into another place that felt inauthentic; I had no business wreaking havoc on my mind and body this way. This time I didn't pack up and leave because there was Love involved, but I did change my behavior and got clean. Soon after I was busy raising children and that was wonderful. Those were in fact about the happiest years of my life. But they were also some of the hardest because I was watching my husband slowly kill himself with drugs, and eventually I once again looked around and thought, this isn't where I'm suppose to be, this isn't what I want, this isn't me; this time he was the one to pack up and leave.

Which finally brings me to the thought I had last night. Once again I am at a place in my life where I am thinking this isn't me.  It's actually something I said out loud to my current partner years ago when my weight had finally topped two hundred pounds. This isn't me, I don't know whose body this is, but it isn't mine. Mine is strong and athletic and healthy. Basically we were having an argument about me not being able to love myself as I was; he loved my curves, what on earth was wrong with me.  So here it is years after that discussion and finally the clouds have lifted and I find myself in the middle of an "Aha" moment; looking back at my life and the times I have changed it because it felt inauthentic to who I was. How is this - being overweight- any different than those times? I can still feel at my core that same strong, healthy, athletic girl who prompted me to make changes in my life when it felt wrong. And boy does this feel wrong.

As I look back over the past 5 years I know that I have been changing in slow increments; learning about nutrition, trying to learn about how my brain works, and figuring out how my heart fits into the whole equation of spirituality and how important it is to quiet the mind and open the heart. In a way I have been packing and unpacking like crazy trying to make things better.

So this morning at fifty six I look at my body and say, this isn't me, this doesn't feel right, I can't do this anymore. Once again it is time to change an inauthentic life.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Loving the Muchness

It's Saturday and I had to work, which is fine, the overtime pay will be nice. I was so intent on being prepared to spend six hours out and about I ran out of time and missed breakfast. I had loaded up six hours of book on my ipod, packed water and a green smoothie for lunch, printed and organized the paperwork I needed for the job, and double checked to make sure I had phone, sun glasses and jacket. I was headed towards the Bay and it's usually twenty or so degrees cooler out there across from San Francisco. I did not drive through and get breakfast. I arrived at my appointment on time, got the ball rolling, and then headed out to find breakfast. I found it at a cart selling crepes. My customized order was for spinach, tomatoes, avocado and feta cheese. YUM.  I had also packed some herbal tea and sat on a beautiful teak bench looking out over SF bay at break time and enjoyed sipping away on my tea, listening to my book and enjoying the beautiful weather. I did not walk around the corner to get a marzipan chocolate from the See's Candy Shoppe.

Before heading home I stopped in at a local bakery that had been recommended and picked up treats, one each, and drove home with them in the way back of the car so as to not be tempted. I did not drive through on the way home for an ice cream cone from McD's to reward my good choices thus far. At Trader Joes I did stop and picked up tomatoes, veggie pasta, soy mozzarella cheese and a blend of real romano\parmesian cheeses; I did not buy bread and butter, I did not buy a snack for the drive home.

As I type the Romas are basking in the oven after a little shower of oil, sea salt and pepper. The noodles are cooking in a bath of veggie broth, spinach and onion. Once the noodles and tomatoes are both ready I will smash the tomatoes and mix them with the noodle mixture & the cheeses, and throw it all back into the oven to bake. I opened a bottle of luscious red wine and just now had another nice mouthful to savor. I so love a glass of wine while cooking, I am truly happy while doing these two things together.

I am having a good day. I am loving the choices I've made over the course of the day, the anticipation of good food for dinner, and the feeling of my muchness back in residence. How wonderful for me.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Hot Fudge Sundaes

"We don't want to EAT hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to BE hot fudge sundaes."  Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. This is about the truest idea I have heard so far. I want my life to be as rich and enticing and joyful and yummy as a hot fudge sundae.

I feel changed. It started yesterday, with a sort of calm. I have felt this before, and love being here. This magical place betwixt and between manic and depressive; my own personal fairy land.  I hope I get to stay here awhile. I think I will, it feels different; I feel different. I feel like all of the ideas I've been collecting over the past five years are finding roots and beginning to grow. Maybe I just needed the time. Maybe I'm letting myself hope for too much too soon, but it's better than moping!

Good Morning Friday, it's nice to see ya!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

A bit better

Okay, so maybe the book (Women Food & God by Geneen Roth) has some interesting ideas. I was laughing while I listened and learned about the acronym AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.  That was me yesterday, and it feels good to laugh about it today. But really, that could be the defining phrase for this past decade or two or three as we have struggled into consciousness and trying to figure out this whole obsessive eating disorder problem so many of us have. I can see it referenced in a history reference of the era, "The AFGO movement of the 20th and 21st centuries led women out of the dark ages of compulsive eating that had resulted as a by product of the previous Industrial Age."

Garlicy salad for dinner and my mouth is singing. I took about 1/4C slivered almonds and ground them up, chopped up half a large section of garlic and tossed it in the blender with the ground nuts, a few shakes of red wine vinegar and a splash of cold water. It was a little too tart once it was all blended up so I added 3 of the little parmigiana cheese packets they deliver with pizza. Perfect. My salad was a quick one of baby spring greens straight from the plastic container, half a huge yellow pepper diced and a few slices off a red onion also diced. about 1/4C garbanzos for the little punch of protein and that was it.  Beans have been a lifesaver for me. They stabilize my blood sugar and help me feel full. Tomorrow I'll use the left over rice I have in the fridge and that will add the missing amino acids.  Anyway, back to the dressing - using nuts instead of oil is a great way to pump up the nutrients in salad dressing as well as adding another layer of deliciousness.

Ok, time for some R&R after work.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hump Day

Tired tonight; brushed the damn cat and now my eyes are all dry and itchy.  Had oatmeal with blueberries and flaxmeal for breakfast, fast food for lunch (vegetarian) and another brussely soup for dinner and ice cream for dessert.

I started listening to Women Food & God. I can tell it's one of those books I will have to listen to again there are so many stinging little witticisms in it. Another book about 'the answer' and not having to diet and learning about yourself. So discouraging.

Ok, a visual slap from Cher and a strong "Snap out of it". Positive thoughts...Four days in a row of eating lots of veggies, another three days of gainful employment, a snug bed waiting for me and a cute dog to cuddle up with. Life is good, and I'm just going to ignore the bad parts and hit the sack.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I love soup. I love making soup. I love making something wonderful by accident and such was this evening's soup. Started out normal enough, throwing some diced red onion into the pot over about 2 tsp. of oil. While those got started I cleaned and sliced up some Brussels Sprouts and threw them in. I chopped and added some artichoke hearts from my salad stash (in water, not oil) along with the water they were in. While putting those away my eye lit on a box of Carrot Ginger Soup from Trader Joe's that was left over and a baggie of wild\brown rice I had cooked last week and I threw those in too. I had picked up 4 bags of spinach on sale, so grabbed a huge handful of the beautiful green leaves and chopped that up to toss in the pot. About all the room was used up at this point so I tossed in a little garlic powder and some salt free seasoning, stirred it all together, covered it and turning the heat down to med-low set the timer for 20 minutes and left to do some virtual farming. OMG, it was so delicious I ate it all. But I'm not stuffed because it was mostly veggies. Think I'll go do a quick calorie check.

 From left to right the columns are Serving Size, Calories, Protein, Fat, Carbs, Fiber, Sodium & Calcium

Wow, so I thought the protein I had listed for Brussels Sprouts must be wrong so I googled it and confirmed they are high in protein. And I happened to eat them with whole grain rice, another accidentally good choice. I think some things that complement each other nutritionally also complement each other in other ways (think Falafel and Tahini sauce) so we are drawn to eat them together.  I'm not happy about the sodium that was in the prepared soup, but I know the rest of the day was low so maybe that's okay this time. The meal balanced out at  18% Protein    21% Fat  & 61 %Carbs .  So a little high in protein, but I'm happy about the fat and getting in my extra greens (Calcium is the 331 number up there.) One of the reasons I love eating mostly plants is that I can eat a big yummy meal without wasting calories and still filling up nice and full. I still need that, I'm still a foody.  Which brings me to desert.  I had to run to the Library and on the way home drove right in to 7-1 and picked us each up a Toll House Ice Cream Sandwich. Damage = 380 calories. But I know that my green smoothie this morning was about 250 and my salad at lunch not much more than that. I think I am still right around 1500 for the day, so that's good.

I knew that at least food-wise it was going to be a good day :)

Free Fall

Sometimes after a bout of grief I wake up strong and determined to get on with things; full of gratitude for all of the small things in my life that are good and ready to build on them. Other times I wake up disoriented, ungrounded, and grasping at straws to numb myself and disappear. This time I dove into a box of fries with a book and didn't come out for two days. I use to justify this type of unhealthy behaviour by saying at least I wasn't grabbing for some valium or a freight train to the Yukon. Now I am just dismissing it and moving forward. Green smoothie ready, salad packed for lunch, recipe printed to stop for groceries on the way home from work. A little morning planning goes a long way with me towards making good decisions later.  I am already counting this a good day and I haven't even left for work yet.  I actually started yesterday after driving through for breakfast; sometimes you just can't wait for the next day to get back on track. I will never be a 'Monday Dieter' again. Instead I am a 'do the best I can everyday' sort of eater, and my seat on the proverbial wagon will never stay cold for too long once I have fallen off.

Happy Tuesday World.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A birth story

The sound of his boots came echoing down the street, the thud of their impact on the wet sidewalk becoming ever louder as he headed pell mell towards me and home and the imminent arrival of his son. At the time we didn't know the babe was to be a boy, unlike our daughter I had been given no inkling as to who this new little arrival was going to be. But here was the father, weaving in the open door, the night wet behind him, one hand raking back through his wild blond hair while the other held on to the door frame to steady himself. And I knew that we weren't going anywhere yet. I had been up for hours, woken by the boulder my abdomen had become, and it had taken some time to track him down. He had found a pool game at the neighbours of a friend around the corner of the next street over. Typical birth story, a woman taking care of her man instead of herself as she prepares to bring a new life into the world. And yes, I know I sound just a little bitter. A few hours sleep, a cold shower and some cups of coffee later (him not me) I packed up our beautiful baby girl who had just turned three, called my sister in law, and we were on our way. First dropping Rhiannon off and then heading up the freeway towards the hospital with the well wishes of family still ringing in our ears. I don't remember much of the next part of the drive, just the never ending pain and hating being stuck in the seat of the car, but it's fleeting. The next real memory is laying in the hospital bed, so mad at myself that I was back in this..this..this most uncontrollable of all situations; wracked with unending waves of pain that I couldn't stop, stuck in the middle of the birthing process that would run it's course no matter how crazy I became. The staff was short handed with so many babies on the way they were running circuits between us all; then the need for the episiotomy the head was so big and no one to help ease the opening and the nurse explaining I wouldn't feel it at all, which was correct until the next day. And finally the beautiful little baby boy to hold and the joy and the love and the pride was a tide of emotion lifting me above all that had gone before. He was Joey from the beginning, Joseph David after two important people; Joseph for the man who gave me my first sailboat, and David after my husband's best friend. It was suppose to be the other way around, but I knew he was Joey as soon as I saw him and switched the order of the names.

It's so sad that I can't remember Jim being there once we reached the hospital. Maybe because I had been so mad at him, another night drunk when I could have used the support and company. I don't remember going in to have my tubes tied either, just the nurse asking me if I wanted something for the pain the next night and then luxuriating in the warmth and relief of a couple of percondan as they escorted me away from the pain and rolled me into the oblivion of sleep. Earlier that day I had discovered a little web between two fingers on Joey's left hand. No one else had noticed it, and the nurses were so surprised when I asked about it. Joey would be four and wanting to wear a baseball mitt before we scheduled the surgery to open up those fingers. And I thought labour was bad - waiting for him to be out of surgery that day was a nightmare of worry. But that's another story.

 My next memories are of us at the house; the pain and discomfort of the episiotomy, wanting everyone to just please leave so I could find some normalcy, and finally this tiny little baby sleeping on the couch while I sat on the floor next to him, Rhiannon in my lap, both of us adoring him. He slept so much more as a baby than she ever did. While Rhiannon fought sleep tooth and nail Joey succumbed with what I think of now as a pervasive need to disappear. I wonder now looking back if he was longing for the magical place from whence he came, if he had an inkling of how hard it was going to get before he was allowed back. Once he was out of his crib and his first twin bed was still on the floor he would disappear before bedtime, tucking himself in and out for the count before I could even read him a story.

I have a strong memory of nursing him, sitting back against the soft black leather of the hideabed that was in his nursery, a blanket covering the both of us, and the delicious sensation of nursing that made me feel connected to the web of energy I think of now as god. Then it just felt like we were an important part of the universe, that all was right with the world. To bring the moment back into focus there was a salesman in the living room running a kirby vacuum over the carpet, shampooing it for free. I ended up selling my mom the gold nugget watch I had left over from another part of my  life for $600 so I could pay for that damn kirby. Years later, I would let it go for $10 at a garage sale while still under the influence of grief.

And more memories...

Joey sitting on a winter's day in his little blue down vest digging in the dirt of the back yard and playing with his yellow dump truck. Blond hair shining, big sister at his side.

Joey riding his little red bike at four, training wheels just off, racing down the sidewalk.

Joey laying along the patio wall, playing at being dead so the vulture in the pine tree would try to come and get him.

Joey balancing on a surf board at the lake, water dripping off of him, the little droplets of light a halo around his strong slender body.

Joey's arm around my neck, holding on tight. If only I could have held on to him, protected him, from all that was to come. If only I could fogive myself for the memories I won't list and can't forget. It's 28 years later, and he's been gone for awhile now. Five and half years of gone. No birthday cake, no balloons, no candles. Just tears and chamomile tea. I sucked at giving birthday parties anyway, hell, I still do.

Where ever you are Joey, happy birthday. As much as I miss you now, I wouldn't for the world have missed all that came before.  I Love You, Mom

Friday, September 23, 2011


So two 'bad' days in a row, sort of. I did things great the first parts of the days, and then dinner ... not so much.  I will give myself some slack here, it's a rough week, and I know the pressure that is driving me to eat will be lighter on Sunday. At least I am being more good than bad in my decisions, and probably at worst breaking even.  It's too bad food works so well as a drug; if it didn't there wouldn't be so many fatties out here, now would there?

Had my green smoothie on the way to work, have home made soup to heat up for lunch and eat while I am walking over my break, and a big nectarine to eat on the way home. That will be the good part of my day. And afterwards...I like to pretend that I will be in control, and have a good evening. I like to pretend that I will go home, clean the kitchen, and make a wonderful, healthy, crunchy salad.  I can do this. I can.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Tight Clothes

One of the reasons I feel the need to shed some pounds right away is that I have only one outfit to wear to work that isn't tight and uncomfortable. I wear it on Tuesdays. I know each week that there is one day I can look nice and be comfortable and not have to frantically search through my options to find something that is both presentable for our office environment and big enough that I won't be nauseous in an hour from toxins being pressed from my organs as my clothes bind and strangle me. This is not Tuesday, it's Thursday, and I have nothing at hand that I feel good about wearing. Stretchy top, stretchy  pants, all outlining the curves and bulges because while they may be stretchy, they have become too small and fit me like the proverbial glove's smaller sister. Why can I not remember this feeling of disgust in the afternoon while I am driving home from work? I am focused in the morning, making a healthy breakfast and packing a nutritious lunch, taking enough water and wearing shoes I can walk in (Crocks). But on the drive home I am all the things I learned one can not be in order to be successful at this whole being happy and losing weight thing. Weight Watchers called it HALT: never be too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. And on the way home from work I am all of those things. I know I am responsible for feeling that way, that I should be able to dig deep and find ways to change my thoughts and my circumstances. But knowing that I should be able to do that, and still not doing it, only makes me feel a failure all over again.

So instead of explaining why I feel all of those things every afternoon, I shall take a few moments here to restate in the positive and try to at least get the morning back on track.

a. I will soon wear clothes that are cute and comfy.
b. I will exercise daily to improve my stiffness.
c. I will start keeping apples in the car again to eat on the drive home.
d. My house will 'rise up to greet me' when I get home from work.

This is all possible, and heading my way. I can see it, can feel it, and each day brings me closer if I do the work. Today I will do the work and be glad of it. Today I will do the work and be grateful for all the little things that make it possible for one's life to change for the better.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dream a little Dream

I start each day now by reading a couple of entries over at Sean's Blog both for the inspiration I feel at reading his words as well as the habit of doing something positive each morning to get off on the right foot. Today I read about keeping your dreams at hand so you can use them to combat cravings. Funny how this is all coming together. Yesterday as I was walking at lunch time I passed a girl getting the mail across the street and I couldn't help but admire how her white tank top was very flattering to her form. Slim waist, strong shoulders...she reminded me of someone and it took a moment to realize that it was me. A me that was 60 pounds lighter, but me. Athletic, nice waist, strong shoulders - I have all of those things when you can see them. And yesterday I burned that picture into my head so I could bring it out when I needed it, so I could hold it up in my mind like a crucifix against the little devil words of temptation that creep in so pervasively.  I have written so many times about how tired I am of fighting, of how I just want to feel normal. Well, normal for me. But is fighting really fighting when you give in all the time? When you don't follow through in action what you battle internally what is that called? Because that is what I have been doing. I'm thinking it's time to stop whatever THAT is and actually get out there and win some battles in the real world. Like not eating the brownie bite yesterday, that was a real battle that I won. A few more of those each day and I could, just maybe, start feeling really good about myself. I need that, we all do.

As Glenda the Good Witch said, "It's been inside you this whole time" or something along those lines. I think making the connection between what's inside and what's outside is what makes the difference.

And with those last rambling thoughts I think I'll just ramble my way outta here determined to win all the little battles I fabricate this new fine day.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I'm late, I'm late....

Late, but extending no excuses. Yesterday could have gone better, but it didn't. The good news is that I have the power to make this day one I can be proud of. 'Nuff said. Now I'm running late and the urge to farm is strong but instead I will use this time to good advantage and whip up a green smoothie to drink on the way to work and  pack my healthy lunch so I have no reason to 'drive thru' later.

Digging dip to find some Muchness and heading out into the world. I will append this entry later today.

Later:  Busy day at work. I know that theoretically you can only do so much in a day, but we are short staffed right now and going from one thing to the next without time to stretch and organize in between is getting tiring. But I am thankful to have a job! And to have a little house to come home to, and a for my little dog to greet me like I am the cat's pajamas. Better busy than moping this week anyway.

Had a great lunch today, home-made enchilada stoup from the freezer that was unlabelled and a nice spicy surprise. I did stop for a Big Mac (no beef, sub in tomatoes) on the way home; between my tired back and the heat there was no way I could face going home to make dinner. While I am giving myself a break this week, I am not diving off the deep end, and even after making some oven fries later on I think I was still within my calories for the day. Super thirsty tonight though - fast food will do it every time.  My green smoothie for breakfast was extra yummy since I added in a cup of light vanilla soy milk and a frozen banana (sweet!) in addition to the usual blueberries.  While I can't say the green smoothie energizes me, I can say that my ass drags when I don't have one in the morning if you catch the difference.

I did have a few hard moments today, listening to a couple of girls talking about someone's son and how wonderful he was. For all the awful parts there were, I feel my son was wonderful too in many respects. Guess it would be just wrong if I didn't think that, him being mine and all. But it did make me sad. I did not go get a brownie bite from the plastic container sitting on the break table, and I did not stop at 7-11 for ice cream on the way home. I just felt sad and then was able to let it go. Kudo's to me.

Planning for a good day again tomorrow. Hopefully I won't oversleep again and have time to do salad prep in the morning so it's ready for dinner tomorrow seeing as how the heat wave is suppose to last all week. My dream, or I guess just one of them, is to one day have someone to help prepare meals. If not my partner then hired help or a 'mostly plants' prepared food delivery service. It just wears me out. Maybe someone to do laundry and dishes too....but again, grateful that I can do it myself.  Wow, my brain is just wandering everywhere; time to say sweet dreams and skedaddle.

Monday, September 19, 2011

"Ta Da"

Yesterday I played with my granddaughter all morning; what a fun workout. But there was a moment I almost blew it. We had walked down to the little 'tot lot' by my house so she could slide. She loves sliding, and is big enough now and strong enough to climb up the poles to the platform. Each time I would stand behind her to spot and tell her how strong she was, and what a good climber. Because I am the Grandma it was easy to find the patience to let her make as many circuits as she wanted, my goal was to wear her out so she would nap well for her Mom. And then it happened, she asked me to slide. I almost said no, in fact I did say, "I don't think so", but she asked again and I thought about ... everything. It was like how people say that your life flashes before you when  you are about to die, but in my flash it was the future I saw; me not setting a good example, me not fitting on the slide, me not practicing what I preach...and worst of all, me not participating. So I climbed up to the platform, very slowly and carefully (it's not even 5' high but I am currently sans health insurance) and climbed over the top pole to stand up. "Ta Da" I pronounced, hands held high in the air. And she yelled, "yay Mama". I barely fit to slide down, but fit and slide I did.  The next time she climbed up she raised her hands in the air and copied my, "Ta Da" and I was so proud of myself.

By the time we got home I was starvin marvin, having spent breakfast cleaning up and getting ready for my spur of the moment date. I made a banana shake with flax, light vanilla soy milk, vanilla flavouring and frozen spinach flakes, and a scoop of casein free protein powder. I've been freezing the bags of spinach that I buy on sale, then after the spinach is frozen crush it into flakes. This makes it easy to ice up a smoothie or add to soup, and it's a great way to save a bag of spinach that has begun showing signs of age; at the first sign of a wilting leaf the bag goes in the freezer. So yes, all my banana shakes are dairy free and green. And delicious. We took turns sipping from the straw as we played bananagrams, picking out the letters of our names and finding the vowels. Very fun, and a nice quiet time after the exercise of the morning.

zpizza - if you have one of these near you, it's a wonderful choice in pizza. My daughter brought us each a slice when she came to pick up the little dearling and it was wonderful. They use ingredients that are free from hormones and pesticides and they use skim mozzarella, and a thin chewy crust that is made from organic wheat. Real food and not food products. Roasted garlic and artichokes, yum. And the best part was my daughter, making sure the toddler didn't want her crust because she had to throw it away so neither one of us would finish it for her. It felt so good to have her support, without even asking.

Another good day, and a good weekend. I could have exercised more, but I did keep moving for at least half of each day which is an improvement. And I could have eaten more raw veggies, but my back was still pinching from the tree work on Saturday and I really didn't want to cut up anything. I ended up making oven fries for dinner (340c) instead of a salad but at least it was food and not fast food. Also, I didn't make soup as I often do on the weekend, having enough frozen from previous cooking days to last me the week at work. So good days don't have to be perfect ones, they just need to include healthy choices and no WTF moments.

Doing, not Trying, for another day in a row.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Counting Calories

Yesterday was the first time I tracked calories in...well, longer than I can remember. That poor tracking sheet has tabs going back to 2006. I refuse to think of it as a record of failed last attempts. It's somewhat like this blog, standing as evidence that I am still fighting, still trying to get to some mythical panacea of health and happiness. The satisfaction I see reflected in the writing of others has recently inspired me to 'do' instead of 'try' and I am hoping this mind set lasts longer than the weekend. It feels so good to be calm and focused for a change. I am not discounting that this has been a hard time for me in recent years. I was reading some past entries here yesterday and feeling just awful for...not me exactly, but for the anguish I read there and the girl who was typing at the time.  The pain is still here, but there are layers of other stuff overlaying it like bandages. I must mention now the allegory I found years ago - grief is like a redwood tree recovering from fire; the burn remains, but new bark is grown over the damage covering it up as the tree continues to grow. Ok, back to yesterday.

Here is my food log. As you can see there are more than just calories. When I set this up I wanted to focus on health and there were some basic tenets that I thought important at the time. 1. Get enough calcium. I had followed the Atkins approach to dieting for a couple of years and one day walked out the front door, stumbled, and broke my leg. It makes sense to me now that I know digesting animal protein puts my body in an acidic state and in order to bring balance back, base minerals are stolen from the skeleton. My poor bones were probably very depleted and weak after a couple of years of abuse.  2. Don't get too much sodium. I am a potato-chip-aholic. They are a continuing battle. I have found that staying away from processed foods and using table salt alternatives gets the job done. You will see in my chart below that the sodium overage is from processed foods: canned beans, ketchup & salad dressing.  If I had used home made refried beans and made my own dressing (as I love to do) my sodium would have been fine. But I had other things on my mind than salt yesterday.  3. Not too much protein. The WHO (world health organization) recommends that between 5-10% of daily calories come from protein. We WAY over indulge here in the States, and while my 15% is much higher than their recommendation, it is much lower than the average american bear. So this is why I expanded the tracking sheet. It didn't happen all at once, this is just the beast it has grown into. And that being said, I really should add a column for the last of the trifecta of evil in eating - sugar. But since I don't plan to track daily, I am not going to do that. I just want to track on days I am struggling to keep honest with myself, or to do a spot check if I am straying away from the basics (which I will share another day, this is already getting long.) I want to lose 20 pounds and I don't want to take a year or two in which to do it. I can do the last 30 or 40 slow and steady, not this first 20. It has to go and it has to go now! Hitting Control\Enter will enlarge the chart if you need a closer look.

After adding my orange for dessert about 7:30 last night I was happy with my totals.  There were times yesterday I did feel like eating more, but it was just boredom. I can only do so much at a time with my back the way it is, and after working cutting up tree branches for the green waste container I had to come in and rest the remainder of the day. Today I will put a book on my Shuffle and go for a walk when I get to that place again.

All in all a good start. I got things done around the house, helped a neighbour cut up a tree, ate mostly well, stayed hydrated, and went to bed feeling proud of myself that I made it through a 1500 calorie day. A quick word about that number. My sister, who weighs less than my goal weight, used that number to lose a couple of pounds she wanted to get rid of, and there was Sean at 500 pounds using the same number for him to lose weight. That is why I call 1500 the magic number and updated my tracking sheet yesterday. I had landed on 1400 being a number I could live with, but I like the idea of an extra 100 calories. I think it is more realistic for not hitting that place of desperation that rises from deprivation.  Ugh, hate awkward sentences but it says what I meant.

On to day two. I am alone again today and thinking about pancakes. What one has to do with the other I don't know, but the thoughts are linked. Well, I do know sort of; food has been a constant companion. In that I am no different than anyone else. Without it we would all die rather more quickly than we are now. Sad to think that I turn to food for company as much as nutrition, but changing my spots from a homebody...well, probably not going to happen. But I can change my habits, and have to a great extent if you discount this past year of self indulgence on the dark side. And it does feel ever so good to be out walking in the sun again.

AND...a phone call and I will not be alone today, the precious granddaughter is coming. Nothing like a two year old to keep you on your toes!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Nuts and Bolts Updated

Things to consider in the search to be healthy: 
I am what I eat

Just found this while going to enter this morning's calories in my tracking sheet. Since this morning's breakfast included a little canola oil on my oven fries, I obviously no longer follow this strictly, but it is a good reminder to find a healthier choice next time. I wonder what would happen if I tossed the potato wedges in a blend of nuts and water. Hmmmm.

There is another list that I found interesting, and will post that tomorrow.

Nuts and Bolts

This blog wasn't meant to be a weight loss record, or lack thereof, but it comes up so often it might as well have been. Reading Sean's blog has encouraged me to focus on this for a while, if only to remind myself of all the wonderful knowledge I have and that I actually have to apply it for it to do me any good. So this morning I am thinking of the nuts and bolts of my eating program. Yes, eating program. We all have one, we all have a diet that we follow; diet and program don't mean restriction, they just mean what is usual for you. And I know that when I usually do the following things I feel better, have more energy, and lose weight.

I was logging my food and exercise at PeerTrainer back when I was slowly and surely losing weight and it really helped to find support from others who were eating along the same veins as I was (veins, plants, get it.) Anyway, I tried going back there recently and while it is still a good site I am too impatient - it loads super slow and takes forever to save changes. So I have decided I can do my logging here and pop in there to see what my group is up to and read what new ideas they are sharing when I am in need of inspiration.

What worked; these are the nuts and bolts - details later
Filling up two 24oz water bottles in the morning and drinking them throughout the day
Drinking a couple of large mugs of herbal tea, no 'natural flavours' in the ingredients
Staying away from glutamates (natural flavours usually means flavour enhancers which trigger cravings)
Staying away from artificial sweeteners
Moving; everyday do something to make it nice around the house, walk the dog, and shoot or ride the bike
Eating raw and cooked veggies every day; goal is a pound of each but at least a large healthy serving
Green smoothie for breakfast most days w\ flax meal
Variety, search out new and delicious meals
Restrictions: stay away from refined 'food products' and stick with the real deal
Weekend: hot yummy breakfast one morning (usually potatoes fried up with greens - yum)
Grocery day: one roll to make a yummy sandwich or bread item to share from the bakery
Evenings: finish eating by 7pm & go to bed with an empty stomach to boost my immune system
Breakfast: Break my Fast first with water or herbal tea, then eat when I am actually hungry

As I type this up I remember that these guidelines are about getting healthier, and that weightloss was an added bonus. But for my mental sanity I need to drop these first 20 pounds more quickly than before.  I'm going to try and count calories a couple of days each week to make sure I am not going over the magic 1500 calorie mark. Remember when that number was 1200 and we would starve and then binge? Ugh. I have my old spreadsheet I can use, but in keeping true to other beliefs I have built up over the past several years, I want to focus on the positive. "What you focus on expands" (expanding calories...uh, no thank you!) seems to be the mantra from Mother Teresa to The Secret....and Oprah of course :) And I believe it. Besides, I have a tortured and ugly relationship with the then almighty calorie and counting them never worked for me in the past. But I think I can use it as a tool to stay on track for weight loss instead of it being the all consuming exercise in frustration that it once was.

While I was using the nuts and bolts listed above I was getting stronger and feeling better and losing weight - and it all went flying out the window when I finally found a J.O.B. after looking for over a year. "You Must Pay the Rent, I Can't Pay the Rent!"  Anyway, what was easy to do while unemployed and time on my hands became impossible - add stress eating to that and the perfect storm of relapse came storming through my life. Now a year has gone by and I am back to working a desk job; the challenge will be to find ways to incorporate what I know into my 9-5 schedule. I am already making healthy lunches to take with me to work, and I am quitting my online farming in the morning to give myself enough time to make a healthy breakfast - so two big steps in the right direction.

Recommended Reading: In Defence of Food, anything by Dr. Fuhrman or Dr. McDougall or their fitness consortiums. I just want a refresher course on all the wonderful information I have read through; it's easier for me to make a good decision if there is a solid reason behind it; call it form following function (my form, my body's function.)  How funny that I see those as two separate things, I am all of one piece, am I not? Learning to integrate might be a huge learning experience, but this morning I feel game as I think about Sean's box with the mirror in it.

And speaking of humour, that is paramount. I must and will surround myself with funny movies, books and people. Maybe the people part will take some time, but this has to change in my life. I can not, and will not, continue to be surrounded by gloom and doom. My positive attitude will persevere, radiant light will freakin stream from my eyeballs!

On to a good day.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Scaredy Cat

It's Friday night and I have the weekend to think about. I don't want to make the mistake of planning so many things to do along the lines of 'being good' that I wake up overwhelmed by my well intentioned honey do list and crash and burn into a stack of pancakes and butter. But now that I am working 9-5, I really don't want to waste my weekend being afraid of failing, so instead I will play my common sense card and make lots of small decisions that will add up to a good weekend.  I am starting tonight by not eating for 3 hours before bed time. That has been critical for me in the past. I know that going to bed on an empty stomach helps the immune system function better, and I want this wonderful machine I walk around in to have a good chance. That's part of the reason I want to be losing weight isn't it? Lightening the load so my poor bones and joints can have some relief.

Instead of 'getting away' with eating what I think I want this weekend (comfort food) as I spend much of the days alone, I will instead plan a couple of positive things so that I can eat what my body craves - greens - and find ways to keep moving and stay away from the mental traps that are ready to snap shut on my willpower.

My clothes were so tight today I was uncomfortable at work, having to adjust everything every time I stood or sat - what a pain! I remember this time last year, and how wonderful it felt to be able to come home in my jeans, and not have to change immediately into sweats to be comfortable. I remember what it felt like to have choices in my drawers and closet. And I want to feel that way again. Just 20 of the 50 pounds I want to lose and I can have those things back again; the 20 pounds I spent the last year gaining.

In a week it's Joey's birthday, and while I know there will be a great temptation to listen to the little voice inside saying WTF and eat myself sick - I won't. I liked what I read in Sean's blog this evening about being able to stand at the edge and take a couple of steps back. I will keep that in mind as I make 'good choices' this weekend.

Humour for the day, adding the word blog to the spell check dictionary as I write in my blog!

Goals tomorrow - review the simple and effective eating habits I was following last year about this time. I remember when I fell off the wagon and hit the ground gobbling. It was the huge bag of Halloween candy someone brought into the office. It was a hard time for me; working two part time jobs to the tune of about 45 hours a week at about minimum wage for the first time in over a decade, and dealing with grief for the first time in public as the holidays approached. And I dove into that candy bowl like it was oxygen and I was working on the moon.  This year will be different, the first day candy shows up - and it will- I will spend my lunch at the store picking out a bowl of fruit.

I don't feel manic, just positive, and I am hoping that being more consistent here will help me stay accountable out in the I am sure I have written many times.  But this somehow feels different.  Starting weight, 205 pounds. I thought I would never see that again, and having seen it I am amazed at how long it has taken me to decide to do something about it. Why I didn't scream and start eating carrots at 199 I don't know; but then that is the power of depression - it can ignore anything.  So my food choices will be based around eating for health since I know that I can stave off the big D a little bit that way as well as help defray the damage from the little G (depression and grief if you weren't paying attention.)

Positive thoughts. A breath of fresh air after a pity party.  Ok, so maybe a little manic after the depressive. But it's all me, and tonight it's all good. And now, to bed.


There are many types of sleepless nights. Those where you are too tired to get up but your mind keeps churning away and you can't still it enough to get some rest no matter how many sheep you count or mantra's you recite. Then there are those where you wake up as if it were morning and after visiting the loo never get back into bed. Because of the size of my house, or lack thereof, I cannot do much on those nights because I don't want to wake my housemate, or partner, or whatever he is these days. And nights like this one, where I wake up feeling sick and wonder if I am dying because I have not been taking care of myself. Where I mentally tick off all the extra sugar and salt I consumed the day before and can now feel coursing through my body - a stroke waiting to happen. So first it is tossing and turning and too tired to get up while my mind whirrs away and then finally sick of my own thoughts an unable to get a harness on them I quietly get up and unzip my little dog from her night quarters and we slip into my office to settle in for some distraction. She to her cats and me to my computer. A little farming, a little reading, and finally a little finger dancing across the keyboard. How I wish the words would come to sweep me away into oblivion as they sometimes do, but this night there is no such relief, and I am not saved from the boredom of ... well, of me.

And of course now my ego is up in arms, how on earth could I be boring. I am, after all, the center of the universe. And now I am distracted by the fact that the word center is not recognized here by spell check. How odd - or is it a message?  And that is just how tired I am, and a definite sign that I would be better off tossing and turning in bed! I guess the nonsense of it all might be better if it were shared, and it is sad that I don't have anyone in my life I would like to have that conversation with. Truth be told there has never been someone to just chat up all the little mysteries with in a fun convivial way. I seem to attract the opinionated sort of people who can't be bothered with all the 'what ifs' I would like to explore over a glass of wine, a walk, a lifetime. Well, that's not exactly true, there is E who would indulge my flights of fancy. And now, missing her, maybe tears will finally send me off to sleep.

All in all I guess this post will end up under Pity Party after all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Daily Inspiration

It's a nice change to go from venting everyday to simply looking and finding some small point of light to brighten things up, and by things I mean me. I had forgotten how nice it is be around someone who is positive. So thank you to those who shine a light instead of emanating gloom and doom. I aspire to join your ranks someday!

Monday, September 12, 2011

"act as if"

Quote from Sean (see blog link):

"Because I destroyed that old tape and replaced it with something worth listening to. How do you make a new mix tape for your brain? Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain, and most importantly...Believe it."

The last sentence is basically what my sister was trying to tell my stubborn self the last time I saw her. Keep a gratitude journal, use positive reinforcement.  There was another quote on Sean's blog that he used, something about 'not being able to walk into a new future if you amputate your past.' It happened, it's a learning block, use it. But don't let it rule you.

"Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain"   I will start today. I will write a new tape.

I know I have been wallowing in ... hatred. There, the sad ugly truth. Hating myself that I can't prevent horrible things from happening. And just like that the vision brought to me in 'Eat Pray Love' looms large in the flat screen of my brain - trying to hold back the ocean - like that could ever be done. Maybe too many stories growing up of heroines and saving and be saved: the undertow of my thinking my whole life, dragging me under because I couldn't figure out how to step up onto the surfboard and ride the waves instead. I love that picture, and I think I will use it to start my new positive tape. A picture of me surfing, what a wonderful picture to keep in the forefront of my waking thoughts. 

I think today that first I will write out my demons, then burn them. I have felt for years that I need a cleansing ceremony, and I have an idea now of what I need to do. I know this won't dispell the negative thoughts forever and always, but it can be a defining moment in how I manage them going forward. It can help destroy their holding pattern leaving room for my positive tape.

So my tape. First the picture, then the words. They don't have to be unique or super special or have the capability of blowing someone's mind with my grasp of a perfect solution. The tape just needs to tell my truth. That I have an athlete living inside who can come out now, that no matter how I look no one can destroy me because of it; that I am strong, and that I am worthy just because I am here. Simple and true. For me and everyone else. And the tape isn't a get it perfect and keep it sort of an exercise. The point is to start, and to keep it positive.

It has been said that because we are all special, no one is. I beg to differ. We are all unique, just a little bit different  than everyone else at the least, and that is special. I am special.

Thank you Sean for reminding me that all I need to do is believe. And if I can't do that, all I have to do is "act as if" until I can drag the positive truths about me out into the open.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Just a crappy day

When you love someone, does it give you the right to stick your nose into their business? Not one of us is smart enough to know all the answers; for ourselves let alone someone else. So why can't I keep my big mouth shut? Even if I am saying what I feel, and especially if the other person isn't hearing what I mean, what on earth makes me qualified to tell anyone what my take on it is? On anything? I've screwed up so much, and everyone else has that same right. You follow your heart, you make decisions, and your life unfolds accordingly. Does what I have to say need to be part of their journey? Am I willing to take responsibility for how what I say is interpreted? Better to just keep my mouth shut, and my arms and heart open. That is my new motto. I promise. For at least some of you, or at least for the most important one.

I grew up reading stories about people being saved and saving others. That's the worst fairy tale of all.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Day one of Eleven

There have been some really hard days recently, and I am not proud of how often I have succumbed to that evil little voice that tempts me into thinking 'what the fuck' and grabbing some french fries for dinner. I am reminded everyday that I need to keep my thoughts positive, whether by myself or by others, but I am so tired of fighting to stay positive. I figure the 20 pounds I have gained back is punishment enough for not trying harder, and I just can't beat myself up any more or there will be nothing left of me.

Anyway, this past weekend I did the prep work for a healthy week. I made a big batch of lentil soup that was mostly greens and turnips and I prepped yellow squash and red onions so that they were ready to throw in the pot for an easy dinner. After work today I sautéed a big handful of the latter with the last of a bag of Asian stir fry veggies from TJ's and one small nuked potatoe (sorry, looks naked without the e at the end.) I mashed the tater up with a little home-made sauce of soy milk, nutritional yeast, soy sauce, tahini and chipotle sauce. Sometimes you just need to keep adding things until you get something good - I want my food to be delicious. I topped this with the veggies and YUM.

Then outside to shoot my bow, which I picked up yesterday for the first time in a year, and to berate myself for how weak I have become.  I also congratulated myself for being out there and shooting; yin and yang, keeping the balance.  Yesterday I also opened my old 'tracking sheet' file to look at how I was eating last year, and glanced at how I was tracking my exercise back when I was losing weight slowly and surely, and while looking at the detailed pages I realized I have absolutely no compulsion to take it back up again. Maybe if I put my energy into good choices instead of into logging what I have done and what I intend to do it will go better. One (I) can only hope. That's a step closer to living in the present, no?

I do have goals; I want to shoot in the PacCoast Championship later this month so I am in a hurry to build up some stamina. I need to eat more greens for energy, and I need to quit eating fast food for the same reason.

So today went well; green smoothie for breakfast, lentil soup and a walk at lunch, stir fry veggies for dinner, and 30 arrows shot in the driveway sweating away in the 93 degree heat.  It will be hot at the tournament so it's good training, and I love thinking of all the toxins leaking away in my sweat so that was okay.

Tonight I need to rest my back, so no farming - maybe a little bit later on, but this typing has used up the last of me for a while. If I want/need to eat later I have lots of fresh veggies to make a salad or just munch away on cauliflower and carrots.

Day One - Good. Ten to go before we leave for Sacratomatoes, otherwise known as Sacramento.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Day for Decisions

I may not make the right decisions, but they are mine to make. Mistakes or inspired changes in direction, I am responsible. Spending hours updating a resume and sending it out after a day of work is not how I wanted to spend the evening. And why I am thinking changing jobs will improve anything is beyond me. Now that I have done it, I think I should just stay where I am and write at night and create something that will take me out of the 9-5 rat race once and for all. If only. I don't know if I have the energy to start over again in a new office. I just don't.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Depending on how you hold the Sword of Guilt, it can either work for, or against you. To say that guilt has been a major player in my years of immobility would not exactly  be an understatement; how can one move towards anything knowing that action, any action, might cut into another's sphere of influence. Might have causal effect on something going horribly wrong on their journey. So what if that is what is suppose to happen in the larger scheme of things, who wants the responsibility?

Remembering what I had posted about working in the back yard, and knowing I had wasted away more hours than I care to tally up here on the computer instead, today guilt prodded me in the other direction and action took the day; I made it outside. First walking the little dog, then getting out the little tree-limber chainsaw and taking care of some long overdue chores out back. A dent, but an improvement.

Chopped salad for lunch I had made last night but not eaten; Potatoes and kale for breakfast; so far not a horrible day.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Overload Shutdown

Sometimes the euphoria of Friday and knowing you have two days to yourself disappears under the weight of Saturday's Honey Do List.  Thus I find myself still in lounging wear with hair unbrushed when the doorbell rings at 11am Saturday morning.  Funny how seeing your home through another's eyes can open your own; with a shudder I start picking up the week's detritus and start thinking about what clothing I have that will fit and not make me crazy. Maybe stretchy work out pants and a tank top, that sounds fairly safe, and I can work in the back yard before lunch just so I feel I have accomplished something this morning besides flexing my thumb on the tv remote. Depression sucks, waking up at 3am with mind awhirling sucks. Okay, I need my audio book, which means loading it on the computer first; Up and at'm Sunshine!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fast Food: White Bean Soup

4C stir fry veggies pre chopped
olive or canola oil
veggie broth
ground cumin
ground chili
ground ginger
1 T White Mild Miso
Mrs. Dash 'table' seasoning
coconut milk, unsweetened
Trader Joe's yellow curry sauce
1 can white beans

Buy the veggies pre-chopped, this is for a quick dinner and you don't want to spend time or energy chopping. Knowing you can make this super fast can be the difference between coming home to make a quick nutritious dinner or driving through for garbage.  Ok.

Stir fry the veggies in about 1T of oil for a few minutes, maybe five, stirring over high heat
Add veggie broth to just cover the veggies, go change into comfy clothes while it heats up
Add a couple healthy shakes of each of the spices - a few red pepper flakes if you want it spicy
Add 2 glugs of yellow curry sauce and about 1/4C - 1/2C coconut milk
Add half the beans (rinsed)
Bring to a boil, cover and turn heat down to low
Simmer 15 minutes
Add black pepper to your bowl, and maybe a touch of sea salt or a little more Mrs. Dash - you know what you like.

Rich and delicious and full of nutrition. I suppose if I am going to do this I should enter it in my tracking sheet so I have some basics to post. But the reality is that if I stress over calories and macro nutrients it just makes me nuts.  The recipes I plan on posting are healthy enough to just eat until you are full.  Eat half of this right away because you are starving after work. Dish up the second half and let it sit while you wash your pan and ladle - LOVE easy one pan dishes. Put away the beans and veggies for another day, tidy up, and then see if you feel like eating more. If you do, fine, if not - perfect! Leftovers for lunch the next day. You could of course freeze it for another day (remember the label) or have it for dinner the next night. But really, it's so good you will want your seconds, and  your body probably needs the veggies.

Monday, August 15, 2011


We all have an innate need to share when something works for us personally. Whether it's religion, a money market or the latest diet we simply have to share with others and bring them on board, certain that this is an answer for them too. When we love someone it is double hard NOT to press our beliefs on them despite the fact that they have to figure things out for themselves 99% of the time. Or at least it seems that way to me. We don't wish to be told how to do something because we are all a bunch of 'know it alls'. Yet still we feel compelled to foist our our flags up another's pole. Somehow our egos are strong enough to ignore the reality that everyone else has an ego too that is also loathe to accept help,no matter how well intentioned. Hell of a survival trait, that misguided ego of ours. Or is it misguided. The thought surfaces that just perhaps survival is more about finding our own path rather than following the trail where someone else has had to bushwhack their way through to make the going easy for us? I have not studied how ego helped us get to where we are today, and certainly we had to share and cooperate in order to survive as a species. But I think of all the slaughter that has accompanied our evolution and can't help but wonder what part the ego played there and why so much violence has haunted our collective journey. How is all that human waste conducive to surviving as a species? I digress.

So back on track....what do you do when someone notices you are struggling and suggests you try a couple of things that have worked for them? I felt myself shutting down and becoming defensive, yet I can see that they can clearly see that I need help, and I can't help loving them for trying, and even being grateful that someone hasn't given up on me. But can I follow their advice? Or am I too stubborn? Is my ego too strong?

I am grateful for those who still love me; especially the unconditional love of my little dog. I may not listen to the sage advice they send my way, I may just stumble along on  my own for a bit more, but it is good to be loved.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


To feel calm and to be able to enjoy a breath of quiet is truly a moment of grace. No thoughts racing through my head, no irritability to be on the move. Just a small sense of peace. How wonderful to lay still, my body heavy and relaxed on the soft cotton sheets.   I know that really learning to meditate could bring this state to me on a daily basis; maybe it really is time to put some effort towards that goal.  It is one of the most frustratingly perverse human traits that we can think a thing to death and never take a step towards something we fancy.

It is a quiet grey morning outside, the light of the new day not quite having breached the walls of my mother's house. I woke from a dream where I was holding my small son, and comforting him while he cried. I knew he missed me, knew I was leaving again, and it made me so sad and so confused and guilty that I woke up. Now the calm is creeping away as my heart fills with the memory of that dream, and feels so heavy it will most certainly drop down through my body to thud on the floor.

I am so grateful for the moment of peace I had this morning. I will try to think good thoughts this morning and not let myself dwell.  I know I am worthy, why can I not behave accordingly.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Drinking & Driving

Drive your mother around on her errands, get home and have a drink. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The black List

Not a wink of sleep last night; caffeine got me here but instead of leaving once his usefullness was gone he stuck around like the bad penny he is poking and prodding and denying me my escape into dreamland. What a rotten friend. Let's see, so far on the black list today is facebook going down for maintenance about 3:30am, the alarm that went off really loud at 5am and the hair dryer that blew out in the bathroom outlet (an ongoing problem) almost guaranteeing a bad hair day. Where is Pollyanna this morning? True, there are bluejays squawking up in the trees and there is herbal tea brewing. And I am clean if uncoiffed.

The daydream from yesterday is still clear in my mind. Speaking of my mind, I wonder what difference it has made replacing music with audio books. Do they use both sides of the brain like music? I'll have to google that later.  Dull dull dull. But writing each day is a muscle I need to exercise.

Sun Rot

Driving south to visit my Mother I had a few hours to think, and found my thoughts drifting in and out of the wreck of a relationship I was leaving at home for a few days.  And the vision that kept coming up was how my life had become like a bag that had been left out in the sun too long. There I was strolling along the beach in a wasteland of sand and sun and small broken branches when a small glimmer caught my eye. I go to pick up what looks to be a linen sack and as I begin to lift it up out of the sand it falls apart in my hands, the small weathered pieces falling between my fingers and drifting off into the wind scattering into a 'thousand little pieces', so to say. This is such a strong daydream that it is more like a memory; a very disturbing moment of de ja vu. I immediately grasp the obvious, that it is pointless to try and put back together what had fallen apart so completely.  Something entirely new would have to be forged out of this debri, or maybe it would be best to just sweep it up and put it out at the curb. But it is clear, the time has come to use a 'get out of limbo free' card and start moving the piece of my choosing along the game board.  Sorry, sitting here typing away in my Mother's house I guess it's easy to revert to childish allegories.

I am looking forward to spending a few days caring for my Mom and for myself. The pity train tends to serve fast food garbage and I need some extra greens and exercise in my life right now. I know that one full day of taking care of the details is all it takes to switch trains and get the healthmobile back on track. Bless her heart, there is a bag of dark chocolate covered power berries on the night stand next to my bed; it will be a healthy few days :)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Pruning Therapy

Whacking away at bushes gone wild is much cheaper than retail therapy plus it adds the benefit of burning more calories than strolling through a store. I realized recently, a week or so ago, that my backyard is an honest reflection of my inner-state; mind, heart & soul. I was enjoying a rare dip into the hot tub, delighting in the greenery and birdsong until my gaze shifted from the trees and birds down to where the jasmine was thriving, growing merrily away and strangling it's near neighbours,  the miniature pomegranate bushes. I also noted an unwanted fruitless pear that had volunteered it's presence in the same planting bed and had weaved it's way through the roses, the whole mess again the prisoner of the wayward and pernicious aforementioned perfumed vine. What a great jigsaw puzzle.

It has taken a week or so for the matter to ferment inside the mysterious workings of my brain. And today I was so bothered by my inactivity I succumbed to the lure of green tea and the hoped for energy it might supply to prod me to action; any action.   Said action turned out to be the backyard, my brain letting my body know without any consultation with 'me' what needed to be done and I found myself halfway through filling the large green waste container before I realized I was outside and actually doing something productive. Oh the wonder of drugs (caffeine) and a rare beautiful summer day. I have missed most dreadfully my cool, but clear and sunny, summer mornings when I could putter out back to my hearts content. Instead this year I want to pull on slippers and a sweater, brew my herbal tea and hibernate in front of Hal (a term for my computer borrowed from Poodle whom I have not introduced to this medium but for whom I have great respect and admiration. Anyway, I digress - think Space Odyssey if you need a reference.)

Thirst finally drove me inside, leaving the green waste container filled with just enough room left at the top for lawn clippings. My mind and body temporarily soothed by meaningful (to me) activity, and an hour or so gone that I did not have to fret over. If only they could all pass in such a gloriously unexamined way.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

"It was a seven page fax, the first letter was F"

I once postulated that the whole reason we are born into these bodies, into this world, is to figure out how to deal with change. It is, is it not, everything? It's all around us in every facet of our lives, yet we seem to fight it tooth and nail by instinct, from out deepest gut; at least I do, and I see those about me in the same turmoil. Even when change will most likely be for the better, for everyone concerned,  we fight.  I heard once that we cling to what we know, that misery with what we know is easier than the fright of the unknown. Heaven knows what little beasties are out there to torment us.  So I decided that if change is such an intrinsic part of life for us here on this world we find ourselves in, and we are so bad at it, then we must be here to learn about it. Which begged the next question; what comes next that we have to be prepared to embrace change? Today, who cares. It's too bad there is no one in my life I can talk about it with, I would love to have some drinks and talk and ponder and ... but no one. A story for another day about yet something else that is my fault. Egads.

Back on topic. Here I am faced with a big upheaval in my life, a drastic change that I am not ready for, nor that I wish, well, maybe. Anyway, I've said the words and I feel .... awful. And the house is quiet. And the memory of a favourite book comes to me; something along the lines of...if you don't let someone know they have a choice, how can they make an informed decision? Why is it so hard to tell someone what you want, how you feel. Why is the very thought of hearing a no, or an argument, such a strong deterrent to sharing your thoughts? At this point there is nothing left to lose I guess, so maybe I will think about it. The problem is I don't really know what I want. Aren't I a little old to be so uncertain? Never the charging horse me, always the quiet one..."that's me in the corner." Right.  Damn.  And for two weeks I have been stuffing my face to make this icky feeling subside. Rats again.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Calm Morning

Another cloudy California morning, but today there is a swathe of light streaming in from the East, and the lawn across the street is a gleaming emerald beacon of the day to come. How it beckons me, tempting me out of my little room where I sit typing; tippity tap tap goes the keyboard as my feet stay firmly planted under my chair. Today is a walking day, I took yesterday off, and I know I should do it now to get the day off to a good start; planning to do it after work is...insanity. I am fairly certain it won't happen. But the sleep help I took last night is not conducive to a bright and cheery and movement oriented morning.  Time to switch back to herbal teas and see if I can sleep without the pm crap. But I am scared of what I may lay awaking thinking...we'll see.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

History and and the Horrors of Repetition

I haven't been writing for a long time; sucked into the insanity of online gaming I have been struggling to keep my head above water there - thoughts of 'what the fuck am I doing wasting this day here' and 'I need to get up, I need to move, I need....something!' coursing through my brain as I sit immobile except for the flurry of my mouse finger and the occasional pattering across the keyboard. Ugh.  But I love to play and I don't see that going away.  

After my pathetic (but needed) dip into the pity pool last night I am rather calm this morning. I gamed a little, walked the dog & washed my wine glass, and spent some time reading back some of the posts I have written here.  I should rename this post something like, "The intimate ramblings of a bi-polar idiot."  My god, I have been in the same place emotionally so many times, will I never learn? Lets see, there is a good day filled with 'INSIGHTS' followed by the determination to 'FIGHT', and the 'LISTS' of all the wonderful plans on how to succeed. Ugh. then I disappear for a while, and all is dark and pitiful. And then...well just more of the same over and over.  So I guess here I am again back at the beginning YET AGAIN.  A good morning after a bad night and ready to slay dragons. How Dreadfully Boring.

Yes, yes, but lets move on to the lists :)

Eat for nutrition - Log at PeerTrainer
Stay Accountable - Blog here
Exercise - Walk the Dog, Shoot my Bow, Start the 100 push ups program,  Ride my Bike

How Grateful I am to be able to do those things. And it might all change, so I will try to feel blessed by what I can do instead of being grumpy about how things didn't turn out.


Friday, July 22, 2011


Why are endings and beginnings so different? They are after all just part of the same thing. But I do think that how you begin something has a definite bearing on how you end it. Whether it's Love, or a Habit; a Job or a Hobby. When you rely on someone or something else to provide the impetus for action, when that person or thing shuts down, well, so do you. I guess. I have no clue how or why anything works or doesn't, and really, I guess my faith is pretty much in the toilet tonight. Faith in myself, in the universe at large, in Love.

I never imagined I would be who I am today.  I may have written about the day I was driving to school and listening to the radio. I heard someone say how they had wasted their life trying to figure out who they were and remember thinking, "that will be me."  How on earth could I have known - or at that moment did I decide my future. Do I wish I could go back and punch in another station before hearing those words? No. I haven't the energy to even think of starting over.

I loved reading that for a human life there is no control group. It's the one thing I can hang on to, that how I feel and grieve is just perfectly normal for me. But if that is true, how can I hate so much what I have become? I can feel barely a glimmer of light in my center screaming out, "I'm here, don't give up!"  Such a small and far away voice; a thought really, not even a sound. And so tiny.  But there it is, and I can't ignore it. I wish I could. I wish I could throw in the towel and just be who and what someone else needs me to be instead of being tortured daily by what I think I should have been. Lord knows I think I have fairly well slaughtered the hope of who I once thought I was.

I know I am loved, and valued, by at least a couple of people. I know deep down inside there is that girl who remembers how to love and smile. I just can't find her right now, and it's a very sad day.

Monday, January 24, 2011

A positive step

Back to logging my food at PeerTrainer for a bit to get back in the habit of being accountable to myself. I will keep that link updated for at least a month while I detox from fast food and sugar and get back to eating mostly plants.  Two days of eating well and I already feel better. Plants rock!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Wasted thoughts

As February approaches my thoughts are much of Joey, and this morning as I began to go down my list of what ifs and could haves I stopped and asked myself the hard question. Would I really wish him back? What exactly am I grieving? The sound of his voice and his rare laughter, his crew cut soft against my hand and the smoke pouring out of the kitchen as he bangs around in there cooking like he does everything else - too fast and impatient to be done once he finally starts. Can it be that the part of me that is relieved that he is not here struggling with the horrendously hard life of an addict has somehow crept across the dividing line and is now bigger than the part of me that wishes he were here making me crazy. The part of me that tries to believe that were he here he would succeed in his struggle to find a niche in his life where he could be himself, that he would find a place where the demons could no longer torment him.

And I realize that I don't want either of those scenarios; I don't want him somewhere else finally free of the burden's and lessons and strings of this life, nor do I want him being here back in the turmoil of his old life.  What I want is to have  him back, with both of us realizing the journey we have each been on for the last five years. I want him back with some magical new-found knowledge that would enable him to say, "Wow, that was hard, but worth it because now I really know how to live. I love you Mom, thanks for waiting for me, it's going to be great now".  And I would have all the patience he required to find this new better life he would create, and then finally this small chapter of insanity I've been living through would gradually fade, leaving only the lessons and none of the pain.

Big Sigh. A few tears. A much needed reality check.

I've been stuffing my face since September, since Joey wasn't here to turn 27, and while I sometimes knew I was saying what the fuck as I gobbled down yet another piece of Halloween candy, another piece of Thanksgiving pie, another box of Christmas chocolates, mostly I was just whisking all thoughts of anything into a big metaphysical duffel bag and stuffing them down deep.  I have found it just way too easy to set the auto pilot to run while I check out. And with the first sunny morning in a long time, I finally have the thought that I need to start fighting back again.  Some of you know all too intimately how the stages of grief are measured in many different ways. It's not as though you feel things in an orderly and timely fashion and then your'e done. I think of my grief as being translated into words. For those who don't know, imagine those words becoming sentences, sentences stretching into paragraphs, and then collecting into chapters and books. The next thing you know the book is one in a set of volumes on the subject, and that your little collection is just a small section of shelving in your library of references on grief . Sure there are other books in the library, and in them reflections of joy and glimpses of possibilities for life beyond the passing of a child.  But I don't really want to live in this library. I want to burn it down and start fresh. I have worked so hard on and off to find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in his short life, but at best the forgiveness I do find is mostly pretence. Because to survive I do need to at least pretend that I am ok.

So back to fighting. That is what this post is about. It's about confessing how badly I have been doing and affirming my decision to put back on the boxing gloves yet one more time. I am not out for the count yet. Visions of fighting my way out of a wet paper bag suddenly appear before me, but oh well. A fight is a fight and I am up for it. I will go back to the basics that have helped before. Take care of the body and the mind will follow.

The temptation to make a list of how I will do that is very tempting, but in the shower this morning I had a thought about lists. For some it is a Honey Do exercise and they find it very satisfying to check off each item as it is done. For others of us, it is a way to cement in the real world the wishes and hopes and dreams we formulate in our own little fantasy worlds.  I have become very wary of my lists as they seem mostly to be accountings of good intentions that I will only come across later and say, "Oh yes, another failure that one!"  So no list today - although I can't promise there won't be one tomorrow - just a small determined 'hope' that today at least I will take care of myself just enough that I will feel like doing it again tomorrow.

And in doing this I am admitting that I cannot change anything that has gone before, and that trying to figure out what I should be wishing for is not just pointless but harmful. For the moment I have purged the strong feelings that make me crazy, I have accepted the reality that beating myself up accomplishes nothing, and I really really really want my 'muchness' back. Enough said.