Sleepless

There are many types of sleepless nights. Those where you are too tired to get up but your mind keeps churning away and you can't still it enough to get some rest no matter how many sheep you count or mantra's you recite. Then there are those where you wake up as if it were morning and after visiting the loo never get back into bed. Because of the size of my house, or lack thereof, I cannot do much on those nights because I don't want to wake my housemate, or partner, or whatever he is these days. And nights like this one, where I wake up feeling sick and wonder if I am dying because I have not been taking care of myself. Where I mentally tick off all the extra sugar and salt I consumed the day before and can now feel coursing through my body - a stroke waiting to happen. So first it is tossing and turning and too tired to get up while my mind whirrs away and then finally sick of my own thoughts an unable to get a harness on them I quietly get up and unzip my little dog from her night quarters and we slip into my office to settle in for some distraction. She to her cats and me to my computer. A little farming, a little reading, and finally a little finger dancing across the keyboard. How I wish the words would come to sweep me away into oblivion as they sometimes do, but this night there is no such relief, and I am not saved from the boredom of ... well, of me.

And of course now my ego is up in arms, how on earth could I be boring. I am, after all, the center of the universe. And now I am distracted by the fact that the word center is not recognized here by spell check. How odd - or is it a message?  And that is just how tired I am, and a definite sign that I would be better off tossing and turning in bed! I guess the nonsense of it all might be better if it were shared, and it is sad that I don't have anyone in my life I would like to have that conversation with. Truth be told there has never been someone to just chat up all the little mysteries with in a fun convivial way. I seem to attract the opinionated sort of people who can't be bothered with all the 'what ifs' I would like to explore over a glass of wine, a walk, a lifetime. Well, that's not exactly true, there is E who would indulge my flights of fancy. And now, missing her, maybe tears will finally send me off to sleep.

All in all I guess this post will end up under Pity Party after all.