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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

30 days to the trial

We have a tentative court date, and I have a month to get through without going crazy. Initially I panicked, but then came the determination to spend my time now, and not waste it thinking about then. That moment will come, and that will be hard enough to live through without forecasting all the horrible what ifs. If I have learned anything this past year I need to apply it now. I have been riding my bike, trying new healthy recipes, and practicing being calm one moment at a time. Finding distractions and playing with Kaylee help. So why am I here once again venting and trying to drain frustration? Because it's here, it's a safe place in the universe to try and convince myself I can keep breathing and make it through the evening without falling apart completely. I had three good days in a row, I suppose it would be selfish of me to expect a fourth. But selfish is exactly what it takes; as I have said to friends, it's all about me me me right now - and as my wise sister noted, that's all any of us can do - to just take care of ourselves the best we can. I shouldn't say I am tired, instead I should pretend to feel positive and put on a good face and ...I can't, I am just exhausted tonight. I stop and breath deeply, I check in on Kaylee who is sleeping behind me with one eye open tjavascript:void(0)
Publish Posto keep track of me, and try to let my shoulders drop into a relaxed state. Relaxed state...maybe it's time for a drink and a hot tub, but as good as it sounds on the surface, the reality is that I tend to get really morbid when I do that so I won't. We are in for a cold night, but the next couple of warmer days they have fore casted should help me stay busy outside. God I am so tired of trying to stay busy, so tired of trying to keep myself calm, just so tired period. The good news is that when I crash like this, I know I will be more positive and in control when I wake tomorrow. I can hardly wait. In the meantime I think I will go make some pumpkin brownies...maybe. Or maybe just give in and put on PJ's and curl up with a book and a soft blanket and a puppy determined to cover me in kisses. And a cup of chamomile tea, I can't forget the tea.