Stuck

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...memorable advice from my maternal grandmother, Mommer, that I can't seem to follow despite how true the words ring or how often I quote it to myself and others.  The follow up is from my daughter, who looked up the word procrastination and didn't like what she read since that is a trait I seem to have passed along to her. I also do not like what it says about me, since I am a chronic procrastinator, and zeroed in on this passage:

Psychological

"The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality.^[4] Procrastinators are also thought to have a lower-than-normal level of conscientiousness, more based on the "dreams and wishes" of perfection or achievement in contrast to a realistic appreciation of their obligations and potential.^[5]"

That's me,dreams and wishes, and not living up to my potential.    Crap.    I hate being self aware on one hand and lazy enough to ignore what I learn on the other; there is a serious disconnect here and so far I have been unable to bridge the gap.  I am a good worker bee, and take pride in my work when it is for another. The disconnect becomes apparent when the work is for myself, and I continually forget about the ripple effect that can suck others down into my ever deepening tar pit of good intentions.  Road to hell indeed.  So today I decided to make myself a 'honey do' list (me being the honey), and what better place to post it than the blog I keep 'intending' to update!  I don't want to clutter the list with the day to day humdrum details that I keep putting off, but instead to focus on the things that I feel will help me move forward - the mental list that keeps popping up but is continually left undone. So my goal here is to write the list, and then stay accountable to myself by republishing it with items marked off.

     Reorganize home 'office'

     Mending

     Mileage Log

     Write each day for an hour instead of  virtual farming (more about that later)

     Yoga or stretching as a routine

     Quit fast food yet again

AND....this is ridiculous - making yet another list instead of working on something - I am the Goddess of Procrastination! At least I am writing it down so my actions can count towards the new habit of writing each day.  

I think I need to append the stages of grief with a notation about being stuck thrown in as 4.5 on the list.  That being said, I haven't even written about how I am working again, but that is for another day, and another moment of quiet in which to write.

"The sun will come out, tomorrow..."

While I don't like the idea of Annie replacing Pollyanna, the words seemed appropriate this morning.  I need to write...and I think I will start again tomorrow. And I need to start writing down ideas in a notebook so I can expound upon them later; who knows, these could be the columns that fuel my retirement!

Hating that I feel the need to write this down

I feel like I lost something today. Yes, it has been an extremely challenging week and yes I've made too many mistakes to count - nor would I want to count them at any rate - but now it all just seems a fitting prelude leading up to today. Going back to work was suppose to mean feeling good about taking care of my responsibilities, it was not suppose to be about bringing into focus how wrong I feel about everything in my life. And today, a Sunday,  was suppose to be about supporting my partner in something important, and instead we killed the fun of something we both love.  I'm just tired and sad, and embarrassed that I am just another lemming who is realizing the weekend is almost over.  A rum and diet Pepsi sits on my desk as I type, and I can't drink it fast enough to numb this awful feeling. Each of us home after a long and exhausting day spent at the same place doing the same thing yet not together, and now home; separate in our little offices that each use to be a bedroom to a bright and energetic child a lifetime ago and worlds away. What terrible things life has wrought, and just now it's hard to remember the good things. How maudlin of me, how deep my dive into the pity pool this afternoon.

Closet ramblings

A year or two or so ago I remember posting about clearing out old clothes from my closet - well, let me just go search and see if I can find it, hang on....found it! Too Many Clothes was written just barely over a year ago - wow, only a year?  I was so glad to find it just where I thought it would be under the label 'self discovery'. And now I want to write about lots of other things; why I looked first for a post about clothes under self discovery and about the benefit of keeping a journal or blogging or however we account for ourselves. Because going back and reading how I was feeling then, really helps me put into perspective what I am doing, thinking and feeling today. Now, what was I saying???

Oh yea, the closet and yes, the yearly spring cleaning - or should I say the yearly spring thinning?  I have been sort of sorting through my winter clothes as I do the laundry, and while there is less to go through this year, I am still amazed by how many things I have that just aren't me. All the 'make do' items that I bought as I grew larger just because they were the least offensive and fit the criteria of that day, or rather, they just fit period.  I hate all these high rise jeans I have, thank heavens my DD passed on some of her more current style jeans for me to wear during this weight transition. Reading back it's nice to see that the 18's are all gone now, and while I'm not as far along as I thought I would be by now size wise, at least I am still going in the right direction. And this year I am thinking about this before I drag the dreaded blue tubs out of the closet to sort through and exchange winter for summer garb. I will not pack away any winter clothes that I have kept before just because they fit or I might need a larger size next winter -not going to happen. Only the clothes that 'speak' to me get to stay. No dwelling over choices like I did last year, just looking forward to the fun of purging the things I really don't want to keep and lightening the load a little bit more ... both in the closet and off my shoulders.

The whole continuity of this makes me wonder if maybe next year I will feel compelled to post about this again, and I can't help but wonder how much better it will be - fewer and smaller clothes for sure - but also a clearer brain and a lighter heart. It's good to know I'm making progress, and that maybe someday there won't even be a link between the size of my jeans and the mental hurdles I put myself through. I can hardly wait!

Hiking Boots

I've never been one to plan much ahead, and I've always been intimidated by goals and, I suppose, the fear of failing to meet them. I know I have written before of how I disparaged of ever 'knowing what I will be when I grow up' and envied the far sightedness of my siblings as they worked towards their respective careers. But I think I've turned another corner and realized  something.

The morning was typical, including a post holiday cleaning of the kitchen; carefully washing and drying my grandmother's good sliver and crystal, loading the dishwasher with my mother's ironstone plates, and giving everything a good wiping down before heading to the gym. 

Audio book in ears and a good workout later I changed into jeans and  hiking boots to take the little dog for a walk. So, okay, this is another disjointed and rambling post, but that's how my brain has been of late - if 'of late' can mean a span of 30 or 40 years... - anyway I digress (duh!)  We have a shoot coming up in May where the hiking is fierce (Redding) and proper footwear is paramount. But the last couple of archery tournaments we hiked I noticed that my feet were overly tired, and realized my boots are probably about 6 years old. Yikes!  But not to despair, I do have a back up pair that I bought in Watkins Glen back in 2004 while slogging through the thick muddy trails at Nationals that year. But they are high tops, and heavy, and a little thicker and stiffer than I would like. They are also what I have and I can't really justify going out and getting something new, so for once I am thinking ahead and have decided to start wearing them everyday to break them in. Well, to be more precise, to break ME in, and give myself the chance to get use to them.

Which brings me around to the point I started thinking about on my walk with Kaylee. Maybe for me it's not about setting a goal and figuring out how to reach it. Maybe for me it's about giving myself a chance to become accustomed to the new 'weight' of what it is I want to do.  I know I have been doing this with my eating, working each day to eat for nutrition (that being said I had a ham and tomato sandwich for lunch, but I am human!) and becoming accustomed to more veggies and less processed grain as a way of life. And I do it with exercise, finding something each day to break a sweat or suffer the consequences of sleeping badly, and I think now it's time to do it with work.  Just like other facets of my life, I don't have to do it perfectly, or have some magnificent goal (think lake house) I just need to get my toes wet, and become accustomed to the work so that I get into the habit of doing it. Like being able to walk 2 treadmill miles or breaking in hiking boots so I won't end up with blisters or a charlie horse in my calf.

I had a bit of a conversation with a friend yesterday, who said, "I didn't know you were looking for a job, I'll keep my eyes open."  And I realized later that evening that the reason she didn't know, is that I don't want a job.  I have work to do, I just haven't been doing it. I remember blogging a bit ago that I was going to write everyday, and I haven't been doing that. So that is the first thing, get in the habit of writing.  Sharing the great products that I've been using is the 2nd  thing, so I need to update my Core4 blog and post the link.   WAIT A MINUTE!  So did I really just write that? I need to write each day and I need to update my Core4 blog. I know it isn't exactly the same thing, but close enough. Certainly part of my daily writing can be about my Core4 experience. And it's not just Core4 anymore, it's as much about the Xyng now too.

So today I will start getting use to the idea of working each day, that is better than putting if off until I can do it perfectly. And I want to digress yet again to thank some unknown DNA contributor for THAT lovely little gene; there should be a pill to treat for perfectionism. But I suppose action is that pill, and I'm thinking that I might be ready to take it.

So a thought can lead to a revolution; funny how there is never anything new, just new people learning the same things over and over and in many different ways.

Kale and peppers and rice, oh my

Today's lunch was a wonderful concoction of crunch and chew, made perfect by the sweet tang of a homemade slaw type dressing. I was out of lettuce and needed my daily raw veggies so just made my chopped salad without the lettuce greens. Carrots, orange peppers, green onion and kale all chopped and thrown in my wooden salad bowl. Half a cup of brown rice and 1T of sunflower seeds and the salad was done. Two dates soaked in ac vinegar plus 1T more of the vinegar and 1T vanilla soy milk blended up in the magic bullet made the perfect dressing. I think I'll make this again tomorrow but use walnuts instead of sunflower seeds and add in some chopped apple for a Waldorf spin. I love how there is always another way to change up a salad, plants rule! 

But what I really wanted to say is about the dates. They are the cheap by the bucket ones, not the luscious medjool dates that are just too expensive right now, and they tend to be drier and leaner and harder to chop and blend.  So I have discovered that keeping a few of them soaking in vinegar in the fridge softens them up so they will blend easier to make dressings sweet. See how creamy the dressing sits on top of the salad before I tossed it all together? It looked like regular coleslaw dressing and was just as good, but I like to think that the date has fiber and micro nutrients that the honey or sugar of a regular slaw dressing lacks. And I do use them in moderation, just one or two depending on how sweet I want the dressing.

I remember how when I first started eating for nutrition and making green smoothies in the morning these dates were my best friend, and a couple always found there way into the blender. Now that my taste buds have adjusted to the greens I rarely use them in the smoothies anymore, but they make a huge difference in the wonderfulness factor of home made salad dressings. I don't often use them together with the vanilla soy milk like I did today, but sometimes you just need that extra comfort factor, and this simple little dressing really does the trick for me.

And I'm thinking I need to soak some of the dates in the soy milk so that they are ready for me to use when I finally get around to dropping by the store for some bananas so I can use them to sweeten a green banana shake :)

I wonder how long that big bucket of dates is going to last, I'm thinking I should freeze some...

Comfy jeans and pink trees

We drove down to an archery shoot in the middle of nowhere yesterday, and to get there in time we had planned to get up at 6 and leave by 6:30.  I knew it would feel like an early start with daylight savings kicking in, but we had packed up our gear and loaded up the car the night before, and I had done my showering just before bed. I had also mentally laid out what I would wear and allotted myself time in the morning to blend up a green smoothie to take in the car for breakfast. On these types of mornings I treat myself to a muffin or biscuit from Mickey D's; I know my honey will be driving through for his breakfast and that I will be walking off the calories in short order.

What I didn't count on was that the jeans I was planning to wear were in the laundry. So there I was this morning frantically trying to figure out what to wear and no time to do it. I did have one pair of jeans that almost fit - they were snug standing up but that would work since we were going to be hiking the range all day. I would just have to unzip them for the drive; they were so old the waist was high enough to strangle me if I wasn't careful. So I pulled them on and was relieved to find they weren't as tight as they had been when I tried them on before the Vegas trip in February, I was even able to tie my boots with them zipped up. In the mad dash to get ready I didn't think about it much more until we had been been on the freeway driving south for about half an hour when all of a sudden I realized that my jeans were still zipped up and NOT tight! I was downright comfortable! I slipped my thumb under my waistband and while there was not extra room, there was also no binding. My first thought was to wish I had weighed in before dressing, but the immediate second thought was to be glad I hadn't.  I am staying off the scale for a bit because I am tired of the games I play with the numbers I see. Instead I am focusing on positive physical results in an attempt change my mindset, and what better sign than comfy jeans that were too tight a month ago!

Another half hour of driving brought us to a rolling orchard of wonderfully pink blooming fruit trees, set against the lush green of the foothills they were nestled against. We have had so much more rain than usual here in central California this year; we don't normally see extended periods of green hills, let alone ones that are so lush they look to be covered with velvet. And I don't normally drive south in the spring either. So there we were driving by this gorgeous scene that I've never had the grace to see before and me with no camera. I am so tempted to spend the gas today retracing yesterday's steps so I can get a camera shot. If I were working there would be no question about spending the money, but then again, if I were working I wouldn't be able to just take off from work to go take a picture. I'm having a hard time figuring this one out, so instead I will just keep that beautiful picture in my mind to cheer my day until either action or lack thereof decides the issue.

What ever I decide to do, it's nice to know I now have a larger pool of jeans to choose from to wear doing it!