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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Despite all Appearances to the contrary, I am trying

Fall is here, the autumnal equinox marking the turn of the earth and way we face the sun as we continue our journey around and around and around. Going in circles is a way of life for us, our internal clocks set to a pattern outside of our control. And that is how I view my life sometimes, just repeating endless circles that go nowhere and eat up time as I wait for whatever is next because I have no control. That is the lie that I feel when I am down, when the dirty dishes stack up on the kitchen counter and the lawn hasn't been watered in months - the dry gold of it's dead expanse shining in the afternoon sun as it lay there lifeless, neglected beyond repair, a golden slap against my cheek every time I look out into the back yard and wonder why I let it go. Wonder why I have let everything go, the positive attitude that I had so carefully cultivated gone hiding, overwhelmed by the emotions that have crept in over the Summer. Slowly but surely snuffing out the bright little lights of optimism I had planted, sadness spreads like weeds darkening everything.

AND YET, I am trying. I am making my green smoothies in the morning, I am walking the dog almost everyday for 30 minutes, I am paying the bills with my ever dwindling IRA funds. But this is about keeping my head above water, and I need to look farther ahead than that. I need to quit treading water and get my feet out on the sand. And I will, in October I think. Because this month is just too hard. So I have given myself permission to grieve a little this week, and just as we know thoughts are things, as soon as I did that I was overwhelmed by emotions. But it is just a circle, and I know that letting myself feel the grief and sadness for a few days will leave me drained and empty and full of space that I can fill up with goals and plans and hard work to get on with things.

Tomorrow is Joey's birthday, the day he will never be 26, and for now I am not okay. Thank heavens it is just the way I feel at this moment, and I will not despair because I know I will wake up ready to greet life again in just a few days. I am trying.