BLE and the Baking Debrief

 Waking up knowing  you've had a bright day, and that your food is planned to have another one, gives a sense of solidarity of purpose, a confidence that one day I will be in my bright body.

Yesterday went swimmingly. I did no baking, but kept the dishes caught up between batches, and perched on the corner of the living room couch (a usual place, not a pre-meditated one) in case there was anything I could do to help. But they had everything handled, and aside from one scraping of hot caramel while R held the bowl there wasn't really anything for me to do. Which was good, because shopping is still rather exhausting.

The win for the day was the calm I experienced. Not feeling like I should be helping more, no food chatter in my brain about what I would or would not eat of the many treats on the list. Just calm. And gratitude, so grateful to feel a part of the chaos.  The need to control anything that happens in this house has been fading since the decision to move South. I really feel it is their home now, and my sense of ownership is just a small piece of bedrock in the back of my mind.

When my BLE brain in onboard, it's an easy thing. I don't feel the energy of my food controller, telling me what I won't do, and I hear nothing from my indulger, their constant whispering about what I will do simply silenced. I just felt like my own true self; enjoying family, the cozy home we share, and the banter amongst us a great comfort. I will miss these things when I go, and it will be up to me to create that atmosphere with Mom.

Pozole. The instant pot soup I made yesterday wasn't really Pozole, it was more just pork soup with hominy. Next time I will make it the day before so I can remove some of the fat from the broth, but it was delicious. and before I measure out today's lunch from the leftovers I will remove what fat I can. 

Recipe: Sauté in the instant pot on medium three small yellow onions and one large Pasillo pepper in a small amount of avocado oil until the onion is translucent. Add one quart of chicken stock and scrap up any brown bits, then sprinkle dried oregano across the broth in one light layer. (No, I didn't measure.) Stir and keep on sauté while cutting up the boneless pork shoulder. It was a large roast, and I trimmed off the thick cap of fat before cutting it into about eight large chunks. Add carefully to onion mixture, seal lid of instant pot, and set for 90 minutes (or 1:30).  Natural release for 30 minutes before releasing the pressure.

Open the pot and remove the tender meat, setting aside into a casserole dish to keep warm. Add 2 large cans of hominy to the pot, some chili powder and cumin then give a nice stir. Start adding back the meat to the pot, removing the most obvious chunks of fat that have separated from the meat. Another gentle stir, reseal the lid, and set to warm.

This was easy to pull out and measure first the meat, and then the hominy, and finally the broth. The last 2 ounces of veg was fresh green cabbage sliced up on top. The kids ate theirs later with servings of the white Jasmine rice I had made.  The soup was so good, but next time I want to make a real Pozole with chilies. Today I'll make Spanish rice with those leftovers and pack it up with spicy refried beans for some instant breakfasts.

It's so lovely to be in a positive mood, to know my bright breakfast is just minutes away, and to admire the grey morning outside my window; the neighborhood decorated with frost on the rooftops and lawns all the way down the block and onto the wild expanse of weeds and bare-branched trees that was once a golf course. Thank heavens for our small cozy home.

BLE and Christmas Baking

 This morning I am up and dressed and ready to go shopping. The family has chosen four recipes to make today to fill the plates, bags, or tins that we will fill to give out to friends and neighbors and I have volunteered to go pick up ingredients. I have very mixed feelings about this, and part of me wants to just drive away and not have anything to do with it.

    Why put temptation in front of myself?
    Why give treats that are potentially poisonous to a friend of neighbor?
    Why model behavior to my family that no longer feels appropriate?

All good questions that have been asked a multitude of times in the BLE FB group. And I know that the right thing to do would be to suggest a different way to celebrate. Make gifts that aren't edible? Have small parties where we play games and have fun sparkly drinks that don't involve sugar? Make a hiking date with a photo competition?  I would love any of these; well not so much the hiking right now with my health. But if I can so clearly see a different path, why can I not even suggest taking it?

Because my grandson is excited about the baking, because my daughter has a list of friends and family they want to bake for as a way to celebrate. Because my desire to belong to the pack is so much stronger than my will to take care of myself and ultimately them and the friends and family with which they wish to celebrate.

I'm re-listening to Rezoom by SPT, and this scenario fits so many of the criteria on why food is an addiction. We have the social cues, those of the season, and the pressures of tradition. To bake something out of love and share it to celebrate with friends and family didn't use to be so controversial. But there is no comparing today with how we celebrated 50 or 100 years ago. The 'food' environment has changed so drastically, and that is not something I wish to entrench myself in today.

God, I have become so cynical.

There is a part of me that wants to help today, to decorate, to laugh with my family and create something out of love. And deep down my own true self says this is not a bad thing. I think it is my food controller that is scared of where this might lead, and my indulger who is excited about the prospect. And I am the one who needs to 'drive this bus', not them. It's up to  me to experience the joy and celebration without letting it devolve into sneaking treats in the middle of the night. Thank heavens most of it will be packed up for gifts.

I think that maybe next year I can suggest an alternative plan earlier on, and then I remember I won't be here next year. I will be down South with my Mother. And my brain says this is the real reason to bake today, because it will probably be the last time, and all of a sudden I am sad and needing to go put my shoes on and get busy.

I will enjoy today for all it means to be together, not for what may or may not be eaten at the end of it. This I can promise myself.

Christmas memory

 In the photograph I am sitting in front of our Christmas tree, wearing a beautiful white dress and holding my brand new Barbie. I am the middle child, my little sister on my left similarly attired and our older brother sits to my right. It's a Norman Rockwell moment, and it's not surprising that it was captured on film. My grandfather was an amazing photographer and there are many such memories in the albums at my mother's house. This one is held in my memories, clear as can be, and cherished for it's innocence. Love, family, Christmas, what more could one want? I must have been around 7 years old, and I convince myself that I am not just remembering the picture, but the actual moment it was taken. So secure with my place in the world, and unaware of the darkness that was on the horizon.

I sat down this morning prompted to write by the little Christmas tree that sits by my desk.  Maybe 8" high and mounted in a small burlap sack it is about as far as you can get from a real tree. Yet it invokes in me the feeling of Christmas, and I am grateful for this much needed season of good will, and joy. I have been very fortunate in the past couple of months to have a safe, warm, home to recover in, and a loving daughter to care for me. And each day I feel stronger and better prepared to face the world. Well, not the big one, but the small one I have created for myself.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, or why I am remembering that moment from my childhood, but I am inspired to take a picture of my grandchildren in front of the tree that is currently glowing merry and bright in the living room.

'Tis the Season. May we only remember what is good, and celebrate the wonderfulness of the here and now.

BLE: parts work during the holidays

 This morning another Bright Lifer posted a memory from her FB feed that really struck home for me. It was a Drew Carey quote,  "Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment." And while this has been said many ways in slightly different forms by many others, for some reason these particular words were like an arrow to my heart.

Because I do think that part of my eating is punishing myself, keeping myself from being happy. Because I do feel that I have done horrible things, and often at the end of the countless discussions I've had with myself about whether or not to eat something, the bottom line is that it doesn't matter because really I don't care about life anymore.  Or that I don't deserve to be anything other than what I have become. That I am the result of my past actions.

I took a hard look at myself this morning and am proud to say I don't believe that anymore. If I have self inflicted blame for the parts of my life I am ashamed of, haven't I paid enough already? Isn't it about time I let myself out of jail? 

So I will use that question today if faced with a food decision, 'Why do I want to punish myself?" I have known my whole life that I am a 'good' person at heart, at my very core, and that the times I fell short would easily be explained away by others as me just being being human. Or some such rationale. The latest shortcoming revolves around the death of my son. That I didn't model a better example, that I wasn't there for him while he was struggling in school. That I divorced his father. Just writing these things makes me so sad, and tearful, and full of regret. But it will have been 17 years this coming February, and living a small sad life in no way serves his memory. I know that.

The great thing about parts work is that I can now feel these feelings, and let them wash over me, consume me even, and know that it's temporary. And that once they are gone I will still be here, and that I will not be destroyed.  It's sort of like the 'Litany against fear' in the Dune saga, but I can substitute Grief for Fear.  " And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. Where the grief has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."  But more than that, hopefully I can reach the part of me that has remained moored in the grief, and give her some love and compassion. Maybe even do some healing.

This morning I have hope for a great holiday season. For maybe even some golden sunset years if I can keep doing the work.

BLE: Morning pages - a rambling beginning

 After posting in the BLE Facebook group yesterday, I thought about what a small part of myself I could truly share. About how little control I felt over my life at the moment, and how that shaded my perspective of how I work the plan. But I don't want to whine in public, and make excuses for why my program is not strong. So I'll do my whining here in private, and try to explore why I am so at odds with myself.

Because I am not grounded or secure in my place. Instead I am out of synch with what I had planned and find myself unanchored, adrift, bewildered by this new landscape. I was to have driven South in October to begin a new sort of life; living with my mother, helping with her care, and figuring out where my life would fit into that new reality. And not just that, but also learning about her, and how we fit together as mother and daughter now that I am no longer her little girl. But that didn't happen.

Now I am living in this little house with my daughter and her family, a home that I had mentally given over to them and was ready to leave. The plan was, and still is though somewhat delayed, to give over my bedroom to my youngest grandson. Giving him a place of his own, and by extension giving his older brother his own place. While we are so blessed to have this cozy little house and the security it provides, it is also true that we are crammed in here, and there is little room to just be ourselves while always needing to give so much consideration and compromise to everyone else in the family.

So I feel like a visitor, and try to keep to myself. It's not anything that they make me feel, it's a self imposed need to give them the space to just be a little family together. All in all it has been a freeing experience, letting go of how I wanted things to be and instead being able to look at our adjusted reality and give over the reigns to those who will be in charge once I do finally head South. I want them to feel like it's their house, their home to make as they wish. But feeling that way makes it hard to carve out my own space.

Which leaves me feeling, as I said, not grounded. This combined with my lack of strength while recovering from my illness, does not make for a great platform from which to work my BLE program. I have been so dependent upon them for my care and well being for the past two months, and I will be eternally grateful. But it is time for me to figure out in my own home what I was planning on doing down South with my Mom; how do I integrate what I need while not displacing their normal routines.

My new reality is that I don't have the energy to batch cook, I am currently without car and while I can use my daughter's I don't have the freedom to just jump in and go grocery shopping anytime I need. It's hard to explain, because certainly I can use her car anytime she isn't - it's just the knowledge that I don't have complete control over something that I once took for granted. I have tried having groceries delivered, but it's just not the same as picking out your own fresh produce. While I do make lists, for me shopping often provides the inspiration I need for meal planning. What looks best, what is on sale, what are the staples I like to keep on hand. Shopping has been an important step in my process, and I wasn't really aware of it until I could no longer do it.

This makes meals somewhat stressful at times. Do I make my own food or eat with them. Which is a lot of take-out. As I regain my energy I do cook more, and a part of me recognizes that my current frailty is gradually passing. That I just need to stay calm, and have courage, for a bit longer. Which sounds like a funny thing to say about food, but it's not always easy to make good choices when in a weakened state and surrounded by so much temptation.

Every day I am grateful for what I have. And I recognize the growth I am experiencing while recovering from such a close call. While I am still the same semi-depressed individual I have always been most of my life, I also have the tools from the past three years to help me recognize and appreciate the changes I am going through. And this  morning I am trying to clarify the part of me that is still trying to hang on to what was, to control my surroundings, and give light to the part that can still thrive under these new circumstances.

My focus on these morning pages is two-fold. To have them be part of my morning habit stack, and to help clear my brain so I can move forward and work a better plan. While my feelings above are valid, it is also true that it's a little bit of a pity party and I am ready to  move past that. I am adaptable, I can thrive anywhere if I just give myself the chance.

I wrote down my food last night, and I commit to eating only and exactly that today. It helps that it's exactly what I ate yesterday, and that it's all bright and delicious.

Pizza Bowl: cabbage & salami

1T avocado oil

 1/2 green cabbage

2 yellow onions 

1oz salami slices

1oz parmesan cheese

Artichoke hearts

Cut onions into strips by first halving then slicing from the round edges. Warm up sauté pan, then add oil, warm for another minute before adding onion strips. Cut cabbage into similar sized strips and set aside. Do likewise with the salami slices and set them aside.

Once onions are translucent and beginning to brown on some edges add in the cabbage and give it a stir. Continue to stir every so often until cabbage wilts to desired texture, about15 minutes. Stir in spices, a layer of each sprinkled across mixture or to taste:

    Fennel seed, oregano, mushroom mix, Bragg's 24 herb & spice mix

Put glass baking dish on food scale and zero out. Add onions and cabbage mixture, marinara, and artichoke hearts to desired weight. This will depend on the flavour profile you want. I opt for more artichoke hearts. 

If splitting veggies 10 & 10 between lunch and dinner this may look like:

    7oz onion & cabbage mix, 2oz marinara, 1oz artichoke hearts OR
     6oz onion & cabbage mix, 2oz marinara, 2oz artichoke hearts

If having full 14oz veggies for dinner you may want:

    9oz onion & cabbage mix, 3oz marinara, 2oz artichoke hearts  OR
     8oz onion & cabbage mix, 3oz marinara, 3z artichoke hearts

Once weight is achieved, stir everything together, then use a rubber spatula to scrap sides of baking dish clean to keep from burning in oven. Evenly spread salami slices over top, then the parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 until desired crispness, maybe 20 minutes.

Note: you don't have to use oil to sauté the vegetables and it will still be delicious. Instead stir 1oz of mozzarella cheese into the cabbage mixture before adding salami and parmesan.

BLE and Bacterial Meningitis

 The past two months have been challenging, and I thought maybe if I wrote it all down it would help me realize just how hard it has been, and how far along my recovery has come. I don't remember the first two days but according to my daughter this is how it went.

On Tuesday 10/4 she realized I hadn't been up, and that she hadn't seen me since getting back from taking the kids to school. Checking on me in my room it seemed that I was sound asleep. When I wasn't out for lunch she tried waking me up, and maybe I mumbled a response but it wasn't coherent. That afternoon when unable to wake me she said she was calling 911. That is the one thing I do remember, her face in sort of a halo of light saying 911. But I don't remember the ambulance arriving, the paramedics lifting me from my bed and carrying me out of the house, or them saying to my daughter that I was too hot, and probably my blood was infected.

She spent the next twelve hours in the emergency room while they ran test after test. Thank heavens I don't remember the spinal tap that finally revealed the meningitis. From there I was taken to ICU and they began treating me with broad spectrum antibiotics while testing for which bacteria was causing the infection. It turned out to be a very common one that had made it's way to my brain.

I remember waking up in ICU, my daughter by my side, and so began my week in hospital. Now that I was awake, and treatment was under way, they moved me upstairs to continue testing and treating me. Anyone who has had a hospital stay for any length of time knows it is anything but restful. Checking vitals at all times of the day and night, and for me there were breathing treatments, blood tests to monitor the infection, and the monitoring of my intravenous antibiotics. I was bedridden for days, and I learned later that I had argued about using what I saw later to be what looked like a large tampon to pee in. Instead they fitted me with a catheter. That is another memory that came back, being swabbed down in my nether region to prep for that. It took me a couple of days to be aware enough that I was tethered by this to the bed making it uncomfortable to turn over.

During this time I realized I couldn't hear very well, and that I was asking the nurses to repeat themselves and even holding my hand up to bend my ear forward to hear better. Gradually this became better, but has not recovered fully. Later,  a CT scan would show a mass behind my right mastoid bone, and a visit to the ear doctor would test my hearing at just below the lowest normal range. More about that later.

I think it was the third day they identified the bacteria and began treatment with a specific antibiotic. And it may have been around the same time they approved a clear liquid diet for me. I had been drinking water, knowing how important it was to stay hydrated, and it was lovely the day I was offered tea. I wish now that I had known at the time they had treated me with morphine as I was moaning and thrashing while unconscious. Or maybe what I wish is that they had a 'constipation protocol' in place for when they administer that type of drug knowing what is going to happen. It could have saved me a week of misery. But that would come later.

The first time I was offered food my immediate thought was, no sugar or flour, and I could only think of stories I had heard about how horrible hospital food was. As it turns out, the choices were so much better than expected. Fresh blueberries were my first real food, and so delicious. I didn't have much of an appetite and it was easy to stop eating when satisfied. There was some confusion with getting what I ordered, or it being moved in the nurses fridge when I wasn't hungry at 'meal times' and wanted to wait to eat later. But all in all my food was clean and I was able to keep my first two lines bright.  There were spinach omelets with cheese, and potatoes on the side. I always asked for blueberries, and one day after some mix-up the plain unsweetened yogurt showed up.  I think my favorite breakfast was a little container of cottage cheese and a fruit bowl.

I can't recall what day, maybe the 7th or 8th of October,  I wanted to get out of bed and go to the bathroom so they removed the catheter and I got on my feet.  That was humbling, using a walker to make it a few feet from the bed, but I was grateful to be up and about. And it was a day later the nurse started asking if I had had a bowel movement. THAT would have been a good time to know about the morphine and get ahead of that game. But I didn't, and I feel somewhat idiotic now that it didn't occur to me that having started eating solid food I should be eliminating waste.

I was strong enough by Friday that they started talking about releasing me over the weekend. My beautiful, generous, strong daughter took a class on how to continue my intravenous antibiotics at home so I could be discharged. If she hadn't, it would have been a nursing home, and I am grateful everyday for her compassion and steadfastness in being willing to do it. It was just a reminder course, she and her husband had treated their son at home for leukemia and were already familiar with the protocols, and so a mid-line port was inserted into my arm and on Sunday she drove me home in the late afternoon.

All in all it was a week I never want to repeat. And nor is the next one. I was so exhausted all the time, and just getting from my bed to the bathroom across the hall wore me out. Sometimes I even remained lying down while being given my antibiotics. Bless her heart, my daughter came in twice a day, usually about 9am and 9pm, to clear the line, administer the meds, and clear the line again. This after disinfecting the desk next to my bed and laying out the syringes and cleaning pads. It always felt so professional, and I was confident I was in good hands. I was looking forward to treatment being done, and so sure that I would start feeling better once the meds had cleared my system.  Wrong.

I 'continued to languish' (had to throw some fancy novel language in there) over the next week, always expecting to feel better but continuing to lie abed day after day. I remember it as just one continual pattern of sleeping, eating, and peeing. Because I still wasn't having bowel movements and all of a sudden that became of great concern. How does someone not go to the bathroom for two weeks?! It was then I found out about the morphine and about how much pain I had been in while unconscious. Which I find so strange. Anyway, after trying many OTC treatments for constipation we finally called the Dr., who said go to emergency. NO! I couldn't bear it, but I could find the strength to bear down and start some movement. After days of drinking awful stuff and taking stool softeners my body was finally ready to start releasing the waste. Thank heavens.

I should mention that my eating during that week was a little nuts. Breakfast was fruit and maybe some cream of wheat cereal, and I discovered that I couldn't stand the smell of bananas or peanut butter anymore. And while I enjoyed toast (sprouted whole grain from TJs) I no longer wanted cheese on top. I also became aware of how my senses were compromised; oranges tasted like licorice, I couldn't smell bacon cooking, and eating became a dance of little tastes.  Canned soups became lunches, and I would share a little of what the rest of the family was having for dinner.  There were a couple of times I had cravings that my daughter was happy to fulfill (filet of fish, how strange) and fudge popsicles relieved the ache in my mouth and throat for a couple of days. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the last couple of days in the hospital I had canker sores start erupting on my upper lip. Over the course of my first week at home they spread to my lower lip, and both nostrils of my nose. I feel horrible about how scary I must have looked to my grandchildren, but I was isolating in my room most of the time. Stress is a nasty business, and I still have a couple of scars that haven't disappeared yet.

But despite the strong desire upon waking in hospital to eat clean, once home it was more about just getting calories in and trying not to disrupt the family with specific requests.

Back to the drama. While my second week home was dealing with constipation, the third was about frustration that I wasn't better. That week I was able to start watching television and must have seen every favorite I had. Streaming turned into my best friend, often falling asleep during a movie I could go back and pick it back up. So my routine that week was to nap after each meal, hit the bathroom, then watch some TV only to fall asleep again. I was finally strong enough to sit at my desk and google bacterial meningitis, where I read that recovery usually takes a week to ten days. What? Of course I later learned that normally it's children who get this, and that because of my age and health factors this would not be normal for me. 

Finally having a zoom meeting for a follow up with the Doctor he was able to assure me his mother had this and it took months before she recuperated.  If nothing else, it gave me a sense of normalcy, and I began to hope for a full recovery. I had appointments to have my mid-line port removed, my hearing checked, and a CT scan to see if my brain had changed since first being admitted. OH, I forgot, at some point getting out of bed I realized I couldn't lift my right foot. It just wouldn't listen to my brain! I stood up, and limped my way to the bathroom, dragging my foot along and holding on the the hallway walls and doors to support myself. I should say that the arthritis in my back had been quiet throughout my ordeal, not deviling me with pain and I hadn't even thought about it. I realized I had been lying down so long I had been putting very little weight on those arthritic joints. Maybe the foot problem was a side effect?  Back in bed and stretching out my foot the tingling disappeared. There was another occurrence in the middle of the night and I became worried. After a consult with the Dr. and him mentioning 'foot drop' I again went on a google search. I really must stop doing that. Anyway, that conversation resulted in the follow up CT scan, with the results being that I had NOT had a stroke and that my white matter was consistent with a person my age. I think it was at this point they noted that bacterial meningitis is an infection of the nervous system, and that it wasn't just my brain being affected.

On 10/31 I was able for the first time to log in to work, and discovered that an hour of thinking (accounting) really taxed my brain. The pressure would start building and it would be back to bed. I was able to start sitting up on the couch to help watch Cal while my daughter worked (we both work remotely) and my napping became less. And despite the hearing Dr. saying there was no liquid behind my eardrum, my ears continued to pop every day, and my hearing gradually became a little better. I had an appointment with the head and neck department, but the day of my appointment I woke up with vertigo that put me back in bed for a few days. So frustrating!

The last two weeks of November I realized I was gaining strength each day, and I finally believed that my hope of a full recovery could be real. I was able to work a couple of hours each day, make my own meals most of the time, and while I still rested lots I was no longer going straight back to bed in the mornings. Finally in December I drove to a Dr. appt. on my own, and then a few days later was able to do a school drop off. Unfortunately upon arriving home I left the car turned on after lowering the windows and when I went out for the school pick up my car was dead. Thank heavens the kids have good friends and I was able to borrow a car.

My poor car still sits in the driveway, unusable, but I can't seem to focus on that yet. In the meantime I can use my daughter's car to help out, and eventually I'll get around to replacing the battery. 

So, here I am, 68 days after being taken to hospital, and I am still recovering. I'm helping more with the kids, and doing more around the house. I have yet to reschedule my neck & head appt. to see what's going on with my hearing, but I think it continues to improve. I do get headaches, but they are fleeting and come less often. And my brain fog is mostly gone. I still need to rest after a couple of hours of computer work, but I am fortunate to have a flexible work schedule. Last week was the first I was able to work four hours each day - my normal part time hours- and each day I am grateful for my family, for the ability to rest when I need to, and that I can ask for help anytime I am too tired to pull my share of the house chores or cook or shop.

Speaking of shopping, I did drive to the store this past week, and get groceries. I even put everything away before collapsing exhausted on the couch. At the store my automaticity had set in and I came home with mostly BLE staples plus some other items for the family. It has greatly reduced my food chatter not being able to drive, and I realized that day arriving home that I hadn't even considered driving through anywhere or picking up a 'treat' at the store. At least that part of my brain isn't broken.

But now that I truly feel that I am on the way to a full recovery, I am dealing with the fallout from my change in taste and smell. Buttered toast calls me, and if there is no sprouted bread available I'll use the regular whole wheat. And if my granddaughter bakes cookies I'll have a couple. So I have not been bright past a couple of days here and there. I did have an epiphany at Thanksgiving, realizing I truly am a food addict, and it has been much on my mind since then.  I'm back to listening to the accountability calls, and logging in to the Facebook group each day, but I haven't been able to commit.

I started using my journal to write down food on 11/14, but not consistently, and I just keep listening to my part that says I'm still in recovery, and shouldn't stress about food. I know better, I know eating clean will only help my recovery. And I suppose that is why I am here today, writing this all out. I know what to do, and I want to do it, and I am not sure why I am not. So I am going to commit here to my habit stacks, knowing that my food will fall into place soon enough. I am determined that this Christmas will be Merry & Bright. Funny, the tiny whisper that negates that, but I will do parts work for that, because that is not the real me.

Whew, glad that's out. I know I missed a lot of details, and there will probably be more about this. But for now, it is way past breakfast, and I need to rest!

BLE and the common cold

 About a week ago this past Wednesday my throat started to hurt. We had received a call from the school on Monday that Cal may have been exposed to Covid so I was a little worried. We both got sick, but I tested negative, so it was just a cold. A miserable one with lots of chest congestion and going through a box of tissues each day.  And we are still not well over a week later. The first few days I ate anything that would soothe my throat; yogurt and ice cream being the main offenders. But I knew I didn't want to end up in the ditch so I switched to eating breakfast three times a day. One day I was so exhausted I had rice & beans all day that I had measured and packed with salsa and cheese for easy breakfast meals; easy to warm up out of the fridge. In the book Bright Line Eating Susan does say you can do that if you're sick. So I did, I had three breakfasts.

OMG, I was so stuffed going to bed that night I decided enough! I just needed to FTFP, and that would help me heal too. So I realized today that I've been Bright two days in a row. No biggie, I do it all the time. With several days of almost being bright in between. I am what they call a 99 %er, or a slight-liner. Someone who can't seem to stay Bright despite good intentions, habit stacks, and support.

I am writing here this evening with the hope that if I write it out, I can head into tomorrow with a healthy frame of mind and have a 3rd bright day. What I would really love is to finish out 2022 Bright. No Sugar, No Flour, No Snacks, Weighed and Measured Meals. I have heard it so many times, if you can do two days, you can do three. etc etc etc.

I've been listening to the Accountability Call recordings, and most of them start with questions I want to say yes to but rarely can. Were you Bright,? Did you write down your food? Did you commit it to yourself or someone else? I don't want 'NO' popping up in my head. I want to answer with YES YES YES. Why? Because I need some integrity around my eating.

Wait a Minute! The day of three breakfasts was also Bright, so I already have three Bright days. Well, I can't actually count this one until the morning, but I think I finally slayed the 3am eating beast so I'm pretty confident. So tomorrow can be day four. What about that!

I don't know why but I feel better already just knowing I can use Joey's Birthday as the day 'when I finally committed.'  Maybe he gave me a present. A fanciful thought, but lovely as they go.

Anyway, still coughing and blowing my nose, but forcing down the veggies and fruit. Using the oil from the jar of artichoke hearts has helped, as has the vinegar from the Kalamata olives; who needs dressing when you have those! 

Alan baked macaroon cookies this evening, and there are still a couple hanging out on the kitchen counter. Not even temped, and they are my favorites. When you're on, you're on. Figuring out how to keep the switch flipped is my current goal.

Here are some notes from stickies littering my desk.

    It's not magic, it's willingness

    Boil potatoes, chill in fridge, then reheat. This causes the starch to become resistant, meaning less easily digestible and reaching the colon to feed the good bacteria.

I think we're out of potatoes, so maybe some overnight oats for breakfast. Time to write down my food for tomorrow so I can think yes tomorrow while listening to an AC recording.

BLE and Grief

I'm still a little emotional this morning, but thinking about my grief yesterday I realized that maybe this is why I haven't been very bright recently. I have been so caught up in anger about being sick (just a really bad cold) and not being able to follow through on my plans to move South, I assumed those were the feelings I have been eating.  But often in September I start eating more, like a bear preparing for the winter, except I am ramping up for the desolation of another 9/24 without Joey.

And I am grateful this morning to BLE for teaching me about creating space between thoughts and things. About the power of the pause, and being able to just sit with my emotions of the moment without running from them. I've never felt like I was eating my feelings, but rather eating to run away from them. I guess it's all really the same thing. But the past few years I have not played the pity card, telling myself it's okay to indulge in eating anything I want because, "look at what you've lost". Instead I have tried to stay Bright, tried to put on bunny slippers and rest and watch good movies.

We don't usually speak about him on his Birthday, it's just too hard! Instead we had a tradition of having dessert; malted ice cream sundaes from Lord's, or trips to Cold Stone or Baskin Robbin's, always last minute plans because we just don't want to think about it. Really what I am saying is that we didn't want to feel about it, and procrastinated until the end of the day where we would bury those feelings in sugar.

Yesterday I emerged from my self imposed exile (keeping  my germs to myself) as the family was leaving for their almost daily trip to the dog park and looked at my daughter. "Half of me wants desert for Joey's Birthday, and half of me doesn't!"  She simply said, "well text me if you want us to stop for something".  She knows of my battles with food, and does bright line eating during the day most of the time. There was no judgement, no opinion, just love; she is the best.

I immediately calmed down, and knew I really didn't want the desert, I just wanted to say his name out load. To reaffirm that he is real, and loved, and missed. So I am still sitting with the pain today instead of eating it, and in a weird way it feels good. Because I know that when this burning pain in my throat passes, and it will, I will be ever so grateful that I am in a place that can appreciate that missing him is a part of my human experience. That I am not trying to hide my love for him under a mountain of sugar or flour, but instead I am expressing it through my feelings of grief.

Time to dry off these tears, hug the dog, and find a quiet little distraction.

Happy 39th

 Happy Birthday, Joey. I still hold so much love in my heart for you, and often find myself wishing that your next adventure is/was a good one. Better than what you found here. Better than the harsh hand you played while with us. And I cry to think of how we all might have struggled had you not left when you did, because to think of you having stayed and found a way to thrive is just too heartbreaking.

I still dream of you sometimes, not as often as I would like, but enough to remember you in every detail. And I will just sit here for a moment in this pain, missing you, and being a little mad at the universe. Because what else can I do?

I'll be okay tomorrow, because that too is how it has to be. To just go on, and try to be here for your sister and Cal and Alan. I love them so much, thank heavens or I probably wouldn't still be here waiting around. Which in itself is a rather sad thought, but ultimately true.  

Wherever you are, take it easy, and know we are loving you.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 7

This Boot Camp module is about modifying the program to fit you, your life, your needs. But first she is very clear about the program. It works just as written. And it's doable for the long run one day at a time, but it's not for the feint of heart. Am I feint of heart? Is that why I haven't stuck to the plan? Or is it because I haven't gotten coaching around why I'm unable to follow the plan as written? My goal right now is to work through this and figure that out.

Modify the program: This should be narrow, well defined, and designed to serve me in the long term. Motives matter, and the higher we are on the susceptibility scale (SS) the less we should mess with the plan. I'm a blazing ten for sure, but I have wanted to change the program from the beginning. More about that later.

The four questions: When introducing a new food be sure to pay attention by asking these four questions.  1. Do I have peace around it or is it lighting me up?  2. Is it healthy?  3. Is it messing with my weight?  4. Is it escalating?  If NO is the answer to the first three, or YES is the answer to number four then this is not something you should be eating. We are trying to heal from dopamine resistance, not seeking new hits.  I've known all along that cheese lights me up, as does peanut butter. They are often part of the reason I have to rezoom each morning. Clearly addictive for me, which is why it's so hard to give them up, but I see that it must be done. Heaven help me.

Plan wisdom:  This plan isn't a nod to hope, it's based on thousands of years experience. Or as she says, from the experience of thousands of people working a program for decades. And I am living testimony to her thoughts on messing with the plan. Don't do it, it can be heartbreakingly hard to get back on program. "The power of food addiction is that sometimes you can't put the tiger back in the cage."  The plan as written is easy when you stick to it, it only becomes hard when you break your lines. That is when you lose the magic, and some people never get it back.      I refuse to be that person, I will get it back. I will.

It's Hard:  Losing your favorite numbing agent, facing life without it, is hard. It just is, and sometimes it takes a long time. So true. I think my first memory of using food as a drug was when I was about 10? I am sneaking up the wooden stairs that lead from my bedroom to the kitchen, being quiet and careful to miss the creaky bits. Then quietly getting into the fridge and getting out slices of cheese, or even better a slice of cheese and a slice of leftover roast. The memory of that first bite says with me even today; the texture and taste of that bite are preserved like a bug in amber within me. Funny that I can't remember if I ate my snack (purloined goods?) in the kitchen or if I slunk back down to my bed to eat. It's just sneaking up the stairs and that bite. I know now that it was a numbing agent used to get through being molested by my brother. But it wasn't until BLE and the lifting of the brain fog that I was able to make that connection. Then came doing parts work and I really felt like I was making progress. I need to make a note to myself here that while my childhood home is gone, visiting my Mother still triggers me. I'm going to live with her full time starting this September, and I am actually looking forward to doing some more parts work and putting this behind me. That little girl is still a part of me, but we've done some healing together, and it's time to move on.

Come all the way in and sit all the way down: Sometimes it takes a while for the bran to heal - she restates this many times in the module- and there is no shame of blame associated with your journey. "Take an honest look at your actions and plan." I think honesty is one of the ways I am growing. I think quieting the 'rationalizer' part that wants to lie to me all the time has been one of my successes. There are still a couple I need to work with, to love and bring into the fold, and again, I'm looking forward to more parts work. The healing ritual of pretty little black birds flying away with my seeds of pain and doubt and nightmare comes to me often and lightens my soul.

Clothes:  Wait until goal weight to buy a new wardrobe. 

Losing Slow: Choose lighter foods. Lose the starchy veggies, nut butters, and oil.  lol, all of the things that light me up!  Losing slowly better prepares you for maintenance, it's not a bad thing. If fact it's better than losing quickly and then not being prepared for the sudden change.

Sleep:  Not getting enough sleep can stall weight-loss.  This continues to be a problem. I don't want to go in for a sleep study because I know losing weight will solve the problem. But will I be able to lose weight if I don't solve the sleep problem?  Once I am down south and have a new doctor I will address this. I promise.

Cycle of Honesty:  Awareness >> Inventory >> Sharing >>  Freedom.  This is one of the benefits of working in a small group, you have somewhere to share, get feedback, and find freedom from angst when making a change.  This is the later I referenced earlier. Last night in Bootie Camp I spoke a little about depression and my history with food addiction, and how I missed my morning green smoothies. We discussed a bit about how we don't blend foods in BLE, but for my circumstances (depression) it was agreed that I would try this for a week. And I even have company! I have a green smoothie buddy! We will chat everyday, analyze how we are doing, and keep asking the four questions. 

There are no outside Issues:  We are doing BLE through everything and anything. Connect, share, explore, it all matters. This is not a diet club, it's a food addiction recovery program where we can learn to walk through life with love and integrity and Bright Lines.

Motives:  You can go anywhere and do anything if your motives are pure 💙

Each week in Bootie Camp I become more hopeful. I know I can do this.  But I need to run, a child is waiting for me to help him defeat a bad guy on the switch.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 6

This module is about traveling, and the main point is that you need to plan. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" as the old adage goes. The strongest statement was that you must do whatever it takes to keep your Bright Lines.

The only traveling I do is back and forth to my Mother's. Sometimes I do well, and eat my packed meals as I drive up and down Highway 5. Other times I have let my narrator run wild and have used the trip to eat fast food. Other times it's a little of each. But the truth is that when I plan to succeed I do. And when I don't, I fail. So there is the truth in that!

Another important idea is that when you travel you don't just take your food, you take the whole program. I will say that in each of the bags I normally use to travel I keep a pen, glasses, and a small journal so that I am never unprepared. I also take my computer with me so I can work during my visits, but to also stay connected with the BLE community. Each day at some point I sign on to give support where I can, thereby strengthening my own resolve. I am hoping that at some point the cumulative result of these small efforts will be a more solid mindset for myself.

Meditation:  I try to do this every morning, sometimes longer than others, but at least for a few minutes to start each day.

Nightly check list:  I have tried, and I cannot do this. It becomes about what I am not doing and getting frustrating, and succumbing to the WTH effect which ends up in me stuffing my face. Not good.  Instead I have kept my habit stacks small and doable. I cannot let BLE take over my life, for me that would defeat the whole purpose of finding freedom.

Reader: Another fail on my part, I just can't read 'inspirational' gobbeldy gook - it makes me crazy. Instead I listen to music while I work and 'do a little dance' when the mood strikes. I would rather find something to make me laugh than reading something that tells me I am okay. Seriously.

Brain Fog: She speaks to this lifting as we detox from sugar and flour. And this did happen for me. I believe this is what made it possible for me to do parts work in BLE Freedom, and to re-evaluate some pivotal moments in my past; some healed and some with work still to do, with finally a clear mind. The times I have given up and eaten whatever for a few days I feel horrible both physically and mentally - depression a lurking side effect of eating badly. And yes, I can just hear the voices berating me for saying 'eating badly'. So how about I say, when I disregard the SCIENCE that shows why eating certain foods results in depression, it makes me feel badly. How about that.

Habits:  These form the foundation and scaffolding of the program, letting automaticity take root. Stacking habits that are linked together by time and location cues strengthens our willpower muscle. It doesn't extend willpower, it strengthens it. So that just saying no becomes easier. So that turning away from what hurts us is easier. So that we are more resistant to willpower depletion as we go through the day checking emails and making a million little decisions. I've been more aware lately of how often I make decisions. Take this afternoon in the pool with the grandkids. C has just learned to swim, so I am monitoring him and making decisions about where I am in the pool;  am I close enough to save him , am I too far away for safety. It's constant.

So there are things I am doing that seem to work for me, and others that I am not because they make me nuts. Sometimes I have to look at the program with a side of common sense and trust that I know what is best for me. Maybe that is why I am not being successful, but I choose to think that it's just taking me longer. Because a part of me is just that stubborn.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 5

This module focused on holidays & celebrations and how to 'manage' them. My first year I ate three mostly  bright meals at the holidays, and had a slice of pie for desert.  I say mostly because I ate what I considered bright plates, not counting the butter in the mashed potatoes or the bacon in the green beans.  You get the idea. Oh, and I did have a few Christmas cookies. But no binges, no eating between meals, and I felt successful. Little did I know I was setting myself up for 'reinforced intermittence' and the internal permission to eat at the next holiday, and the next, and the next.

The past couple of years have been better in some ways, but not really so much overall.  There is so much connection between food and celebrating it can be hard to draw the lines we must to stay bright.

Module 5

Holiday Meals: My balance comes from adding the flavours of the season to my meals, and focusing on the people. Yam puddings for breakfast, charcuterie board lunches in place of appetizers, and dinners loaded with sage, mushrooms and lean proteins. But there is splurging, like having a handful of Ruffles potato chips and onion dip as part of lunch, because I can rationalize how potatoes are a vegetable and the onion dip is a fat. But then there is an opened bag of chips, and I have found my hand grabbing a handful or two in the following days until they are gone.  But then, it's literally a year before we buy them again.  I sometimes struggle with this, and ask myself how it relates to  BLE as an addiction recovery program. If I were sneaking out buying chips for the next month or so then yes, I would have to stop. But that doesn't happen, and it means something to me to have this little indulgence each year. Per BLE it should never be about the food and it's clear that I am blended with a strong part of myself that doesn't agree.

Yam puddings (or custards) spiced like pumpkin pie for breakfast truly satisfy the itch for actual pie, and I love feeling great after dinner instead of being full and grumpy. Eating appetizers for lunch and making a bright meal out of them is easy for us as traditionally we don't have sugar or flour in our appies. 

Baking:  Christmas cookies are a challenge for me, but I will say that compared to a lifetime of over-indulging in these sweets having a few to sample the holiday baking going on by others in the house seems fairly harmless. But again, I'm just practicing 'intermittent reinforcement', which is another way of saying keeping my addiction alive. There is a part of my brain that argues for moderation and mindful eating, and maybe that is where I will end up. But in the meantime I am not in my bright body, and need to get weight off of my arthritic back. So heading into Autumn and then onward into the holiday season, this year I feel the need to be BRIGHT. Maybe next year I will have a cookie.

What to say: this hasn't been a problem or challenge as I don't socialize and my immediate family knows how I eat. The coming holidays will be spent with my Mom, and there will undoubtedly be family around. I don't think I have any need to prevaricate. A simple, No Thank you should do, but if I am asked I will just say I do Bright Line Eating - flour and sugar make me crazy in ways I don't like so I no longer eat them. What I will say when caught eating a Christmas cookie? Addiction is hard, I do my best. But I don't really see that happening.

Birthdays & Weddings:  Don't take your food scale to these celebrations. Have a Bright meal and focus on the people. Depending on the timeline of the event you may want to eat before or afterwards.

WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan - a tool to use when planning for an event, challenge, or maybe just dinner out with friends.

Wish: In thinking about the upcoming situation, what do you wish for the outcome to be?

Outcome: Go over in detail exactly what this looks like & feels like when you successfully handle whatever it is.

Obstacle: What is the main/major obstacle you see that may derail you?

Plan: What can you do to avoid or eliminate the temptation or situation that has you concerned?

Basically this  module was about planning to stay Bright. Not intending to stay bright, but Planning to do so. Big Difference.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 4

I realized last night that my increasingly persistent cough felt familiar in a most unwelcomed way and may be more than just Covid lingering. I rose from my bed where I was coughing instead of sleeping, turned on the light, and found the inhaler marked 'urgent' on the side. Relief was almost immediate, as was the best night's sleep I've had in ages. This  morning I used the everyday inhaler and will continue to do so to ward off the asthma. Normally the asthma only appears in the Spring, triggered by allergies, but it makes sense that Covid could do the same.

I don't like the way steroids make me feel, and in the past I would counter that anxious feeling by calming myself with food. But now I am aware of that pitfall, and instead of grabbing a snack I am focusing my attention here. We meet tonight to go over the fourth module so this is a good time to review.

Module 4

This is mostly about eating out with specific notes and tips for specific restaurant types, but there is also a section on eating at home with others who are not bright liners.

Eating Out: The first time through Boot Camp I sort of skipped through because years ago while eating for nutrition and living with a partner who liked to eat out I learned to navigate those waters. Really the bottom line is speaking with your server, asking menu questions, and requesting substitutions. As SPT pointed out, sometimes just tell them up front you can't eat flour or sugar and to help you with suggestions from the menu. Trying to be a better student this time I did pick up a couple of things that will be helpful should I ever start eating out again! For instance, at a Chinese restaurant you can ask if the dish tastes sweet to determine the sugar level in the sauce. Something I have done before is to get the dish I want (Kung Pao Tofu) and also a side of stir fry veggies to mix in to raise the ratio of veg to protein.

There was a lot of common sense stuff; dressing on the side, skip the cheese on salads if you've already chosen a protein, ask for an extra plate (I would ask for a to-go container up front) so you only keep in front of you your bright meal.

Eating In:  If you have a partner and they are not eating the same as you, do  your own cooking. Be responsible for what you put in your mouth, and keep your eyes on your own plate. This is something I took to heart in the beginning, and would batch cook for myself on Sundays and Wednesdays. This meant my dinner was ready to pop in to reheat so I was out of the kitchen quickly, leaving the space clear for the family to cook their meal. But lately when I am tired I ask to be included with their dinner order, or to share what they are making at home. The exhaustion from Covid is no joke, and I am so grateful to have family here to lean on. That being said, I have broken a few lines over the past couple of weeks while sharing meals. But I'm back to keeping my eyes on my own plate, and even made a batch of soup this past weekend to last me a couple of days.

Family:  I love her take on feeding the family. Make a bright meal, add a bowl of starch for kids or anyone who wants it, and done. Easy Peasy.

Garbage:  She mentions the old habit of popping food into your mouth instead of throwing it out so as to not waste it. The bottom line is that we are not garbage cans, so don't treat ourselves as such. Better the extra food be tossed, or saved for a future soup pot.

That was about it. I learned a couple of new things, but mostly it was just a review for me. It did make me want to eat out, to actually go to a restaurant, sit down and be waited on, and leave the dishes for someone else to wrangle. Right now that just sounds divine.

Time to go prep dinner.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 3

I'm still getting over Covid, and the lethargy is alarming. I don't want to write, I just want to lie down and rest all of the time. And I will get back to that after reviewing my notes for Module 3.  

Module 3    

JFTP: Just follow the plan and surround yourself with others who are doing the same, build an identity of someone succeeding long term. This is difficult, because a part of me doesn't accept, or want to accept, that I am a food addict. It just feels wrong despite all science to the contrary. I think about the years spent eating for nutrition and how it felt right, organic so to say.

Gratitude: Every day is a gift, be grateful for it.  I feel that I've always lived in gratitude, especially for the natural beauty around me, but also for the creature comforts. I think this comes from having Summers at Lake Arrowhead and then losing it when I moved North. Living in San Francisco with little means I saw how fortunate I had been, and to not take things for granted. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life. What I discovered in BLE is that I rebel against writing it down. Yes the sunset is gorgeous, yes I treasure every hug from the grandkids, and yes I appreciate that I have the means to keep a warm bed and good food on the table. But writing it down? It doesn't feel sincere anymore, but forced, and so I will keep my gratitude where it belongs, ever present in the daily aspects of my life.

Actions: Learning to trust myself by watching myself do positive things. There is science about observed behavior, and learning to trust that we value self-care is a big step in the right direction for confidence. Every meal is an opportunity to feel better, and to see ourselves feeling better, reinforcing the behavior of remaining Bright.

Community: Be someone who belongs. Much like writing here I found that posting too much makes my hyper critical and I end up whining. But I do like signing on and encouraging others, and hopefully I will bond with the group in Bootie Camp. The founder of our group feels like a kindred spirit, so that is a good start.

Omega 3s:  The brain needs them, and can't get enough when it's overloaded with Omega 6s - mostly from the processed vegetable (soy) oils in fast food, snacks, and most packaged food in the center isles of the grocery store. And there is a direct link between this imbalance and depression. Self diagnosed with a lifelong low-grade depression this makes sense.  Years ago I started adding flax meal and spinach to my morning smoothies along with blueberries and it really made a difference in my moods and attitude. So when I feel blue I know exactly what to do, I just need to make it a habit to stay out of the danger zone. One of the things I wonder about is adding those smoothies back to my daily food despite the science against blending meals. And I am considering an algae supplement.

Chewing: This is the most interesting part of the module to me, that chewing promotes the production of neurons in the hippocampus - in other words, making new brain cells. Lord knows I need those and I think about it every time I have a plate of raw veggies in front of me now. I don't remember this from the original boot camp, so I either missed it, or it has been added to the module since 2019.

Compassion:  Easy to have with others, and learning to have some towards myself has been a learning process. But I do practice self-compassion now, and it has become part of how I rezoom. There is no longer shame around doing less than perfect.  And it turns out community triggers self-compassion, another reason support is so vital.

Meals:  SBT talks about regular meal times, and that is something I have been practicing. In the beginning it was easy; breakfast on the way to work, a packed lunch at 11am, and premade dinner (often) upon arriving home around 4:30. This made a natural fasting time of 5pm to 7am. Now that I work from home I eat at 8am, 11am, and 4pm giving me a slightly larger fasting window of about 16 hours. The problem is when I add that fourth meal after work around 9pm. Not good, and something I need to keep working on with my parts, because it's not eating from hunger - it's something else - and while I know I've made progress it's also become apparent that it's not a one and done healing. You have to keep doing the work for it to keep working. Ha!  Anyway, I like the idea of healing while I sleep and of having a longer fasting window; another thing that just feels right.

Permission to be human:  My reflections on this module is that it's all about accountability, and it's most obvious here where we are to dissect exactly what led up to eating off plan and what we learned from it. I've never been good at this, hating that I need to examine my actions and be accountable for them. It's much easier to just NOT do that. But if you always do what you always did you'll always get what you always got.  A great maxim from network marketing days, and true for everything.  So I will try to be accountable to myself and the group, and to learn from my mistakes, or slips, or whatever I am calling it these days. Mostly they are just, "oh well" moments - and very deadly. So this is my lesson, and I will work on it.

That's all for now, I've run out of energy.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Modules 1 & 2

When I first read Bright Line Eating it struck a chord that reverberated throughout my whole being like a clarion call and I was indeed moved to action. Here it is almost three years later and I have come a long way; learned about my parts and to love my Rebel. Learned how to respect what works for me and what doesn't, and that was by learning to listen to my own true self, or as BLE would say it, my authentic self. But what I haven't done is taken off the weight that is negatively impacting my weight. So maybe this isn't right for me? But maybe it is.

Recently in my MMG one of the group said she was divorcing BLE and was studying Instinctive Eating - she no longer would be told what, when, and how to eat. It really made me think, but it didn't take long to recognize we are at different places and that I could respect her decision while making my own. And my own was to immerse myself back into BLE, because it dawned on me that I am choosing to follow the plan. I need to lose weight to lift the burden my arthritic back is carrying - I need to be out of pain. And BLE can get the weight off. But that's not all. I really do appreciate my brain when it's off drugs (sugar & flour) and the shift in perspective it affords me. More positive, less moody, more inclined to pay attention to self care instead of wallowing in a pity pool

Having made this decision it was easy to embrace the Bootie Camp just started by another BLE buddy. The first time I went through Boot Camp I discovered my Rebel and felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming through an exercise in futility.  Bootie camp is going through the Boot Camp modules again, but this time together as a small group. I think there are about ten of us which will afford us the time to get to know one another and give & take the support we need. The original Boot Camp had hundreds of members in it and I just isolated, totally overwhelmed, and could never connect with the group. I feel that the parts work I have done, in combination with what I now know about myself, brings me to a place that I can appreciate what I missed the first time around, and discard without shame or regret the parts that don't serve me.

Noes below on the first two modules, what I find important this time around and reflections on what I have learned as each topic arises. I hope these will be my journaling prompts for the next eight weeks.

Module 1:     

Be unstoppable: We do this one day at a time (ODAAT). I feel that the two years I spent maintaining the original 30# loss was a lesson in 'Rezooming'. No matter what I ate or did during the day or evening I would wake up optimistic and ready to be Bright every morning. Interestingly enough, this morning I did not. I felt I knew what to do, but had no manic energy to predict the rest of the day. Sometimes it's not one day at a time, but one meal, or moment, or second at a time. It just all feels possible, and it's a good feeling.

Have an Emergency Action Plan (EAP): I never wrote this down the first time around, but I did last week:

    Human connection:  grab a child to hug or wrestle or swim
    Prayer:  ask the Universe for help
    Meditation: do breath work to settle my parts
    Gratitude:  just be thankful, just take a moment to be in love with my world
    Service:  make a phone call or sign on to check group messages
    Distraction:  play a game or get outside & water the garden

Sanctity. Create self-care practices that support my True North. I've never thought of self-care as creating a sanctuary, but that is what it does. Surrounding myself with habits that are solely to take care of myself and not about anyone else has been enlightening. Hearing all of the 'oxygen mask' talk for the last 20 years or so just felt like hype for being selfish. Now I know the truth, we need to take care of ourselves mentally & physically.

Module 2:    

Commit Food:  I have never been able to do this, not wanting to feel like a pretender or liar when I couldn't eat 'only and exactly' what I had committed. But this time I want to work the program, and with help I downloaded the Messenger App on my phone and learned how to snap a pic of my food for the next day and post it to the group.

Counting Days: For me there is no Day One. No 100 day colouring pages, no marking off Bright Days or hearts on a calendar. It's triggering for my Rebel - she won't be told what to do. Instead I focus on just the one next meal, and feel good about it being Bright, and that the last meal I had was Bright, and that the next one I make will be Bright. It's a relief knowing I can live in the present and not stress about what I will have to report.

Body Scale:  SPT suggests weighing monthly, and then weekly as you approach maintenance so you can manage your 'Adds.'  I started weighing my body weekly. Then as I lost my Brightness I only weighed if I felt lighter. I tried putting the scale in the garage and weighed monthly, and finally I stopped weighing my body. The food chatter was too great, the number too inflammatory. No matter what the number a part of me was ready to go crazy and I had had enough.  I did weigh at my Mom's in February confirming I was still at 202 - the same exact weight on the same scale from two years earlier. And I think it was a trigger for me, Two months later I had gained 15 pounds - half of my original weight lost! NO MORE. No more body scale. My clothes will tell the tale.

Meditation: It has been a relief to finally add this to my daily routine. Once I learned you don't have to use a meditation bench or sit cross legged I embraced it. And realized I've been using mantras to meditate for quite a while. First as a child to self-soothe, then after reading Eat Pray Love I began to use Elizabeth Gilbert's mantras. After reading up on breathing, I added breath work (4 in through the nose, count to two, seven out through the mouth) to ground myself before slowing my breath and relaxing was key.

Daily Reader:  I tried, and all of the positivity just annoyed me. I need to find some poetry or something that is beautiful without being preachy.

Habit Stacks: Slowly but surely I have developed these. Besides my AM and PM stacks below I eat everyday at the same time, 8am, 11am, and 4pm.  This ensures I have breakfast before the kids need me, that I prepare my lunch and get out of the kitchen before my daughter takes her lunch at noon (she works from home) and finally that I eat dinner prior to starting my evening job at 5 and still have time to tidy up the kitchen.  

AM  Meditation, O'Tropin, Pills, Dandelion Tea with Collagen, breakfast, PT Exercises

PM   Commit Food for the next day to my Bootie Camp group, Pills, brush teeth, O'Tropin

That's all for now, just enjoying a quiet Monday morning and getting my thoughts together for our Bootie Camp call this evening.  

BLE: Morning pages

I haven't' been journaling, whether I am avoiding instigating a trailhead for parts work or just too lazy is beyond my ken. The pull to dive into animal crossings of a morning has lessened, partly due to Wordle, partly due to morning meditations, but it's nice to feel free from that. 

I need to journal, that comes up again and again in testimonials and chats and SPT's vlogs, and most recently in the BLE Maintenance modules. Most recently the cue to journal around grief as related to the BLE journey. I have been reluctant to do it here because of my history of whining, which is what eventually always drives me away - I have come to hate the pity pool I so often dissolve into. I know the work is important, so I will give it a try. The question is what have I lost, how do I feel about it, and what is the outcome - I think. Damn, I'll have to look it up again.

What have I lost?

The drug. Being able to eat my way into a coma-state where I don't have to think or feel. Disappearing into a book or movie while eating was my go-to escape for most of my life. Losing a forty year habit is a huge change, and has been the hardest comfort to give up. And that all goes back to being a small child and feeling rebellious at having to be here. Here being on earth having a human experience. As a child it was a simple though, frustrated that I was having to be here when all I wanted was to just go back. How that single thought on a beautiful southern California day has pestered me my whole life is amazing.

Untethered. That is how I think of my life. How I blew from one thing to another without drive or ambition, how I just went with the flow.  But that's not really true, is it? I had to have made things happen or I wouldn't have left home at 19 to live in San Francisco, Wouldn't have moved to the East Bay and met my future husband. Wouldn't have purchased the home I still live in. And wouldn't be moving back South to live with my Mother in September.

I suppose part of the treasure of journaling is that  you never quite know where you will end up if you just start writing. This morning is a beginning, and I will try once again to make it a practice to journal my morning pages here.

Back to the original intent, and how do I feel about it, will have to wait. Instead a rowdy five year old with a newly missing tooth has inserted himself onto my lap making this an exercise in futility.

I wouldn't change a thing.

BLE: Maintenance course Intro

Gems from the Introduction module to the first Maintenance course from Bright Line Eating.

Nothing changes at maintenance.

There's no 'arrival'.

There's no rush to get anywhere.

I'm already living in the grace.

The gift is this Bright day.

These are the small excerpts that brought me peace yesterday, that calmed my rebel spirit and maybe even let her accept a little bit that this is something I really want, and not only that, it's something that we can really do.

Always the food chatter around 'diet' to see if we can lose a certain amount by a certain day has been a recipe for disaster. During BL Freedom, I learned to address this chatter using parts work so that it doesn't send me into manic mode, and from there into depression.

Reboot Rezoom confirmed that me rezooming each morning is a good thing, a perfect thing really. I just needed to smooth out my actions & reactions so that I never dip into the danger and destruction zone over the course of the day and into the evening.

Now in the Maintenance I course, I am already inspired by the way SPT frames ideas, finding it natural and easy to take them to heart. I had never looked at 'One Day at a Time' as the gift it really is. Here I have a gift everyday to make it not only Bright, but to use it as a stepping stone towards peace. To see my 'one days' as integral to building a path forward just isn't something I accepted before. I think I do now. And it's so easy, all I need to do is care for myself today, and the rest will take care of itself.

Feeling abnormally positive today.  The leg pains are still there, the back is still a problem, my energy level is still low, and in spite of it all the revelations of yesterday keep me buoyed above it all. 

Nothing changes at maintenance.
Maybe I will get to add a grain at dinner, but everything else will remain the same. This is for life, and the habit stacks I am practicing now will still be the way forward no matter what I weigh.

There's no 'arrival'.
I'm already where I need to be, having one Bright day at a time. There is no magic date that will move me from what is normal to some magical place. Onederland is just a marker, not a destination. 

There's no rush to get anywhere.
Again, one day at a time will take me where I need to go. I don't have to be extra perfect for a specific amount of time to meet a deadline. Being Bright one day at a time will make sure that no matter what I weigh on any specific date I will feel good about myself on that day because I will know I am doing/have done everything I need to do.

I'm already living in the grace.
This one is not as clear, but living in the answer & being present to knowing I am on the right path, this is what puts me in a state of grace.

The gift is this Bright day.
Bright Line Eating is the answer to my food addiction, it's a gift SPT has given us with her experience, science, love, and determination to make our lives better. This knowledge of how to have a Bright day, to make this one day Bright, is all we need. Everything else will follow.

BLE: The counting of days or lack thereof

Day two of journaling after Wordle, and I have nothing to say except that I won't be counting days. One does not count days for the rest of one's life, do they? Instead, we should be making the most of each day, no? And lord knows I am too lazy for that. Okay, STOP. I am not lazy, just lacking in finding the importance of certain things.  I'll have to look at that more closely when I have more time to reflect, like next September.

Things I need to/want to/should do:

• Clean out the fridge
• Make a bean soup for the week
• Prep beans and rice for breakfasts
• Make dinner for the Family

BUT, it's a sunny day and I also want to get outside for a bit, so something has to give. I think the most important are the first two as they go hand in glove so to speak. And I'll have to check what we have on hand to make for dinner as I don't want to drag the grands to the grocery store. And no, serving bean soup for their dinner will not go over well.

Maybe chopped salads with the leftover Easter ham & cheese, I think that might work for all of us.

I really don't feel like being here and  noting the mundane aspects of the day, but there you have it, one rarely knows ahead of time where words and thoughts may take you on any given day. This morning, nowhere much, but maybe that's a good thing.

BLE: Morning habit stack

 Usually when visiting my Mother, when it's time to go home I am packed the night before, and in the morning I am ready and out the door in a flash, anxious to be on the road home. But this morning I am staying true to yesterdays commitment and journaling after doing the daily Wordle (got it in three.) This after my morning meditation, stripping and making the bed, and showering, so I am feeling very productive. I guess this is my abbreviated morning habit stack - Meditate, Wordle, Journal.  At home depending on the day it can be longer.

I did not make it through the night unscathed, cheese & crackers my lonely companions at 3am after tossing and turning for a couple of hours. Partly just awake, partly in pain and not being relaxed and comfortable. Knowing a snack will help sedate me is not a good thing, so two bright lines broken before I even start the day.

Luckily I am in a mellow state of mind, and looking forward to a bright day ahead. Here's my food:

b)  cheese, triscuits, banana - yes, I see the cheese & triscuits is a problem
l)  hard boiled eggs, celery, small orange & small apple - eaten in car on the way home
d) a Bright plate of whatever Easter dinner my daughter has prepared - she is also eating Bright

Homework: get online once I am home and find someone I can call in the middle of the night - maybe in Australia? I'm not sure I will do this, it's just an idea for times I can't sleep. I am hoping that back in my own bed and no siren calls from the kitchen pantry will be enough; I haven't eaten in the middle of the night at home in a while. Before bed, yes, middle of the night, no. I will look for support for both time frames. Luckily this is a world wide movement, so there will be someone!

There is a part of me tugging at the reins to get going, so I am off to pack meals, load up the car, and head North.

The Move: A bad beginning

 I just had to make a note of this conversation somewhere, and so here it is.

"Hey Mom? I've been thinking about where I might put my desk when I come down in September to stay. The dining room table is too high, and causes my back to hurt."

"How about the Library?" she asks.

I go to look and measure; there are three large bookcases lining the walls, a day bed, her 'desk' which is my grandparent's old dining room table and too high to work at. There is no spare wall space. I report back to Mom, "I think it would work but we would need to remove one of the bookcases."

"We can't do that, where would I put my books?" She thinks for a minute and when I try to interject a comment she says bruskly, "don't talk to me!"  Another long minute goes by and she turns to look at me. "I guess you can't come."

I take a breath, then show her a picture of my desk at home, and how small and compact it is. We talk about where in the house we could move the bookcase, then I suggest putting my desk from home between the dining room and the living room in a nook under a window.

She thinks this might work, the rocking chair I would displace 'can go anywhere' she muses aloud.

I am left feeling like nothing. With less value than shelves of books she knows are there but no longer reads, the library a dusty cluttered hidey-hole of days gone by.

I am not deterred. Maybe there is a way to raise the floor in front of the library desk so I can sit at the right height and work in comfort. It's good I started the conversation now, reminding her that me coming to live with her will be a disruption, and not the same as me coming to visit.

While I still have doubts, I am filled with a sense of purpose, and not angry at the rejection. I know she loves me, just not as much as she needs her things around her. She is 90, what can I say.

Brightline Eating; Reframe Rezoom

 Here is my post from this morning in the Bright Line Eating community:

TLTR: Last month I decided it was time to visit my Mother; she is 90 and I hadn't seen her at all since Covid. I had stopped weighing myself some time ago, but thought it might be safe to do so away from home. Stepping on her scale in March I was unsurprised to see that I was exactly the same weight as I had been the last time I stepped on her scale - Feb 2020.

During that visit we decided it would be a good idea for me to visit each month through the Summer and so here I am again, a month later, visiting Mom and her scale. Knowing I had a rough month behind me I looked at the scale and knew it might be a bad idea to once again step on those forbidden shores. But I did anyway. How on earth I managed to gain 9 pounds in a month is not beyond imagining, but still was quite a shock. Trying to look back over the month I do see that in between my bright days there were a lot of fourth meals just before bed, and some snacking during the day. Realizing how far I had slipped into the ditch while lying to myself about it was rather disheartening.

Having maintained a 30# loss for two years (50# to go) had been a little frustrating, but gaining back a third of it in a month was just heartbreaking. I ranted and raved yesterday morning in the first journal entry I had made in months, and by the end of that little exercise I was once again in the frame of mind to have a bright breakfast. And then I realized I was drinking tea with cream in it as I had forgotten to bring my oat milk.

The day didn't go badly, but I wasn't bright, and this morning when I signed on to do Wordle the below memory was waiting for me. The final straw in my attitude adjustment.

So here it is, my commitment to eating only and exactly what I am about to write down for the day!

b)   Triscuits, PB, Banana

l)    Green Salad, cheese, apple

d)   Ham, scalloped potatoes, coleslaw

Neither light nor healthy, but I had planned recipes to make a compliant Easter dinner for Mom. Tonight I will commit my food here for Sunday when I am driving home. (4.5 hrs trip.)