After posting in the BLE Facebook group yesterday, I thought about what a small part of myself I could truly share. About how little control I felt over my life at the moment, and how that shaded my perspective of how I work the plan. But I don't want to whine in public, and make excuses for why my program is not strong. So I'll do my whining here in private, and try to explore why I am so at odds with myself.
Because I am not grounded or secure in my place. Instead I am out of synch with what I had planned and find myself unanchored, adrift, bewildered by this new landscape. I was to have driven South in October to begin a new sort of life; living with my mother, helping with her care, and figuring out where my life would fit into that new reality. And not just that, but also learning about her, and how we fit together as mother and daughter now that I am no longer her little girl. But that didn't happen.
Now I am living in this little house with my daughter and her family, a home that I had mentally given over to them and was ready to leave. The plan was, and still is though somewhat delayed, to give over my bedroom to my youngest grandson. Giving him a place of his own, and by extension giving his older brother his own place. While we are so blessed to have this cozy little house and the security it provides, it is also true that we are crammed in here, and there is little room to just be ourselves while always needing to give so much consideration and compromise to everyone else in the family.
So I feel like a visitor, and try to keep to myself. It's not anything that they make me feel, it's a self imposed need to give them the space to just be a little family together. All in all it has been a freeing experience, letting go of how I wanted things to be and instead being able to look at our adjusted reality and give over the reigns to those who will be in charge once I do finally head South. I want them to feel like it's their house, their home to make as they wish. But feeling that way makes it hard to carve out my own space.
Which leaves me feeling, as I said, not grounded. This combined with my lack of strength while recovering from my illness, does not make for a great platform from which to work my BLE program. I have been so dependent upon them for my care and well being for the past two months, and I will be eternally grateful. But it is time for me to figure out in my own home what I was planning on doing down South with my Mom; how do I integrate what I need while not displacing their normal routines.
My new reality is that I don't have the energy to batch cook, I am currently without car and while I can use my daughter's I don't have the freedom to just jump in and go grocery shopping anytime I need. It's hard to explain, because certainly I can use her car anytime she isn't - it's just the knowledge that I don't have complete control over something that I once took for granted. I have tried having groceries delivered, but it's just not the same as picking out your own fresh produce. While I do make lists, for me shopping often provides the inspiration I need for meal planning. What looks best, what is on sale, what are the staples I like to keep on hand. Shopping has been an important step in my process, and I wasn't really aware of it until I could no longer do it.
This makes meals somewhat stressful at times. Do I make my own food or eat with them. Which is a lot of take-out. As I regain my energy I do cook more, and a part of me recognizes that my current frailty is gradually passing. That I just need to stay calm, and have courage, for a bit longer. Which sounds like a funny thing to say about food, but it's not always easy to make good choices when in a weakened state and surrounded by so much temptation.
Every day I am grateful for what I have. And I recognize the growth I am experiencing while recovering from such a close call. While I am still the same semi-depressed individual I have always been most of my life, I also have the tools from the past three years to help me recognize and appreciate the changes I am going through. And this morning I am trying to clarify the part of me that is still trying to hang on to what was, to control my surroundings, and give light to the part that can still thrive under these new circumstances.
My focus on these morning pages is two-fold. To have them be part of my morning habit stack, and to help clear my brain so I can move forward and work a better plan. While my feelings above are valid, it is also true that it's a little bit of a pity party and I am ready to move past that. I am adaptable, I can thrive anywhere if I just give myself the chance.
I wrote down my food last night, and I commit to eating only and exactly that today. It helps that it's exactly what I ate yesterday, and that it's all bright and delicious.
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