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Sunday, December 8, 2013

Unpacking Christmas

Yesterday we drove down to Lowes and returned home with a Nobel Fir tied to the top of my car. A little furniture rearranging with an end table and doll house ending stacked up in the garage,  a spot of vacuuming and a corner was emptied so we could fill it with the lovely fragrance of pine. For me Christmas trees have very little to do with the presents that may or may not appear under them; I relate to the more time honoured tradition of bringing in something green and fresh into the winter den to remind us of the spring we hope is just around the corner and to cover up the stale air of a house barricaded against the seasonal cold. More cold than usual I might add - keeping in tune with the new global weather adjustment even sunny California has tightened her skirts against the below freezing nights and the crisp days that hover in the 40's.

Several trips to the garage and back, unpacking just a few things from each tub so as to leave room for the decorations of my housemates, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Yesterday, we also made turkey stock and I used my portion to whip up some vegetable soup this morning, now packed into containers for lunches next week I am assured of a healthy choice even when tired.  This may be the last turkey I ever eat. I have been sliding into old flesh eating habits of late just because it is often easier, but I am done. Eating plants is an important part of fighting for myself, and since I have apparently decided to do that my eating habits must follow suit.

Today's agenda, bring Christmas to my room now that we have welcomed it into the front of the house. 'A' has been painting water colour trees and we will put them with the rest of the collection on the walls today. Oh the wonders that paper and tape can bring.

My brunch is a smoothie of baby power greens, almond milk, flax meal, blueberries and a scoop of Orenda Shape. Very delicious. I drank water and tea this morning, got busy making my soup, and waited to eat until I actually felt hungry. An exercise in connecting mind to body.

Struggling a little with vertigo so slow and steady is the pace today, but I will accomplish much. Already the stove top has been scrubbed and the second load of laundry is in. Chores ground me, help me to feel solid in this crazy world, and I always feel better afterwards.

I love a clean nest.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Once more unto the breach....

How I yearn to say brave words, to quote a heroine and mean it and have the heart to follow through. "I would rather die than live another day of this death!"

Robbed of my health, my will is resurrected.

I fight.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Two week stretch

Yes Virginia, Time does Fly! Where did the two weeks go since I last wrote anything?

Intermittent coughing aside, I am well as my Grandmother used to emphasize - not good, things are good, people are well. I have so many memories of Mommer, my Maternal Grandmother; some that are cornerstones of my behavior and others that keep me on the straight and narrow edge of grammar. Hers is the voice who chants in my head upon occasion that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and that I have 'put on a little'. I loved this woman tremendously, and still grieve her passing though it has been more years than I can remember. I don't know why the few small negatives seem to be embedded in my brain. Probably because I did love her so much and it was so hurtful when she criticized it seared deep into my memory cells.

This morning at breakfast my own granddaughter was trying my patience, which I usually have in abundance - especially where she is concerned. But I guess the honeymoon phase of them moving in is over since I was ready to snap at her over the table at Country Waffles. I'm sure there was a sugar hangover from the party last night next door; sparkling lemonade, orange juice, chocolate cake, oh my! Then more orange juice for breakfast and blueberry crepes (which looked divine by the way) topped with whipped cream which she preferred to anything else on her plate. The jumping and popping under the table and overall exuberance was a little trying since her mother and I were both tired but even that was okay. It was the discovery of gum under the table that pushed me over the edge. Probably her  mother too. Once A found it she couldn't leave it alone, even after a stern "do not touch that" from both of the adults who were sharing said table. I stood up. We're going outside. OMG. Poor little thing melted down into the seat next to her mother and wept. Once home she came in to give me a heartfelt hug and mumbled apology. 

Broke my heart. 

What memories am I leaving with this child who is more special to me than words can convey? I have to remember my place in our little family; love and support, she doesn't need another authoritarian overseeing her every action. That's her mother's job. Not mine. I will remember this.

Breakfast: Scrambled veggies (peppers, onions, zucchini, spinach, tomatoes) and a side of fried potatoes. with hot sauce. YUM!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Balance piece

There is nothing like the warm hug of a child fresh out of bed, still heavy with sleep and reeking of innocence, love, and trust. How blessed I am. The despair of yesterday morning is a thing of the past and I am ready for a long productive weekend.

This morning I will make some juice; grapefruit, carrot, blueberries, cucumber, lemon, bok choy and ginger. My goal is twofold; for it to be delicious on the tongue of a four year old so she will load up on antioxidants and support the recovery of her snuffly nose and to give my body extra incentive to fight off said sniffles.

Honey Do List
Defrost the freezer
Walk and brush the dog
Organize bookshelf and move office supplies to garage
Move old TV cabinet to garage and straighten up dining room

That should keep me on my feet.

Breakfast will be juice, Lunch will be more of the same juice but this time blended with Shape, and for Dinner I anticipate some veggie\bean soup from the fridge that needs to be used up. An easy day for dishes and high in nutrients. Win Win.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Oh the despair

This morning I am thinking more and more of this battle we are in; hope and worry fighting it out with anger and frustration. There are no winners, it is a lose-lose situation as the mechanics of addiction steal away our time and energy and resources. Instead of celebrating the raising of A we are drained by the everyday stress that M creates in our lives. 

This is what most upsets me today, that this precious little person in our lives is getting the short end of the stick. How can we practice patience when we are exhausted emotionally, how do we sit and play when we are scanning the house for who may have been there while we were at work, how do we leave for the pool when we are  worried about what may be missing or out of place at the house.

I once counseled R that she would know when she reached her ‘line’. That mystical place where she and A became more important than saving M. Have I reached my line? I said I would support whatever she decided, that I was here for her and wouldn't meddle. But it is harder every day, watching her pain and how she fluctuates between hope and despair.

How much more of my life am I willing to give to this madness?  I can pretend for hours at a time that whatever happens is just the way it is, but I know in my heart we do have some say in our destiny, that we were given the powers of choice and change, and that we are not exercising those options.

And of course while I say I am thinking of A this morning, really I am thinking about myself and my daughter and what needs to be done to put us in a place to take better care of A. In this situation, abundance does trickle down from the top, and if we do not have our ‘muchness’ then how can we pass any on to her.


We need some damn oxygen masks.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I want to eat the world

I want to slice it up in big crusty wedges and cram them into my mouth until every last crumb and pebble is gone and I no longer wish to eat.

I started back on the CBS products today - they gave me relief from this overwhelming feeling of gluttony and this morning I couldn't face another day of that wretched angst - thank heavens I had some left overs from the plan.

There were so many times I could have \ should have written over the past couple of weeks, but there was no desire to do so, and without that...well, what's the point. I suppose there is something to be said for having a daily exercise in writing, but that is for actual writers. I hadn't even realized it had been so long until signing on just now. That would be the addictive nature of online farming, swallowing up my time and brains until my existence shrinks to such a small spark that I might as well not even be here.

Just pathetic. Oh how I can wallow.  All the good and bad parts of my life are still here, but I am apparently choosing to ignore them all and instead eat everything in site, as is my wont when stressed. But as usually happens, nothing satisfies the hunger and here I am once again making a valiant effort to regain lost ground. bummer.

So I have sweet potato and kale soup heating in the microwave, and have opened up the house to let the breeze in. The dogs are clamoring for their turn at the trough, so I am off to slog through the chores that seem more mundane than ever this late Summer afternoon.  I wonder where my good mood went, but am grateful it lasted as long as it did - practically a record come to think of it.

Fight fight fight. I walked at lunch, finding redwoods and eucalyptus to shade my way, and had homemade juice with Shape for lunch. I accomplished much at work, and will find something positive to do this evening. I will.


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Beautimous!

This morning is all about the juice, and what a beautiful site it is. I had purchased the juicer after seeing Fat Sick and Nearly Dead over a year ago and mulling it over. Then of course right after I brought it home Orenda announced the CBS plan and I had to participate. And glad I did, but now I can revisit the whole juicing experience and incorporate that as part of my plan to create a healthier lifestyle. I'm betting this shakes up wonderful with my scoop of Shape for lunch!
Beets, oranges off the tree in back, an inch of ginger, an English cucumber, and a couple dozen big black seedless grapes. Oh so Yum and with the exception of a taste left in the fridge for the girls, packed away in my lunch bag to take to work. I can't begin to describe how rich and silky and delicious this is. 

Time to take my treasure and hit the road.

Update: I have to say this is the best Shape shake I have ever had. I added a scoop to my juice at work and shook it up and...wow! Beets and chocolate, a marriage made in heaven.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30 or100/100 or 1/1

As proof positive I have not been paying attention, my 100 day mark came and went yesterday with only the smallest of blips on my radar. I found myself thinking, "Oh, my hundred days are up, I can stop eating now." There are many things inherently wrong with that thought, but it does speak to my ongoing struggle with goals, deadlines, and mental challenges. Like looking in the mirror, seeing a slimmer version of myself, and immediately upping my calorie intake. I still haven't figured out that part - how is it wrong to look nice - and until I confront that particular demon I would imagine there isn't a plan on earth that will help. It must stem back to being molested as a child when I was endowed early with breasts and hips, but really, I thought I had let that go a long time ago. So what is it then? I love how I feel when I lose a few pounds, and then a few more. Why is it so alarming when I actually 'see' the results? Why the rebound eating? I wish I could just vacuum out my brain and start fresh - wait, isn't that what they call a pre-frontal lobotomy?

Anyway, I am happy to have lost and kept off 15 pounds, and I am still losing and gaining back another 5 so at any given day it may be 20. Each time I realize things are getting snug I become conscientious about using the CBS products and the pounds come right back off. I am hoping this is a transitional stage and that I will continue to lose now that I am free from the self imposed burden of a 100 day challenge. This is why teenage rebellion is so important, if you don't do it then, it rears it's ugly head later. Like in your fifties when you are supposed to be all grown up. Which is a delusional state in and of itself, but that is a conversation for another day. Besides helping me lose weight the plan did help me refocus on whole foods, nutrition, and taking care of myself better; all good things. And I reordered a bottle of Clean so I can continue using it one day a week just because it makes me feel...well, clean! I like feeling lighter in body and mind those days, not to mention the break from cooking.

I hate that I have decided there will always be good and bad days, because I believe thoughts are things and I need to keep working on weeding out the bad thoughts. I am better at it than I used to be so there is progress being made.

In any case, while disappointed that I couldn't focus my attention on the CleanBurnShape program for the full 100 days and can't help but wonder what would have been the result if I had just followed the plan for those days (such a short time in my life. Big Sigh) I am nevertheless feeling good, have more pants that now fit, and am looking forward to incorporating the products into an ongoing nutritious food plan.

Thinking about that, here is how the day is shaping up. We are just back from walking to the golf course coffee shop for a breakfast of sourdough toast and eggs over easy. This  morning I blended and reduced some left over bean soup into creamy, rich and delicious re-fried beans to use with the ripe avocados that are hanging out on the kitchen counter for taco salads at lunchtime. Then a Shape shake for dinner with spinach and blueberries, my favorite go to.  

As for the week, I'm not making my usual batch of weekend soup, it's time for a freezer purge and to use up all the frozen portions of homemade soups and stoups so those will be lunches or dinners next week depending on my mood. So for now the plan is back to normal, each day having a veggie bean soup, a chopped salad, and a green smoothie. I'll keep adding a scoop of Shape to my smoothies, and incorporate a clean day once during the week. I believe I can still be a smaller size come Thanksgiving, but am setting no specific goal for my monkey brain to fret over.

I really missed swimming last week, so I need to brave the cooler weather and make that happen on an almost daily basis again. Eat healthy, move more. That's the plan. Oh, and quit with the bread already! Jeez Loueez.




Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30 or 97/100 or 1/1

Well those days flew by! Lets see, Sunday was productive as I spent some much needed time on housekeeping tasks; it felt good to be on my feet and puttering most of the day. While I have been gaming on the computer too much other times I also realize the need for a little escape so am not being too hard on myself about it. It was wonderful to watch A looking forward to our picking up R from the airport, and better yet to watch their reunion late Sunday night. I am so glad my daughter is back home, what a relief to pass back the responsibility of A to her! And last night M arrived back home - the dynamics of the house will change once again. But I am not worried this time, my head is in a better place. Life is what it is and will unfold accordingly - isn't that how I have lived mine up until this point? Right or wrong, good or bad, that's how I walk my particular path.

Yesterday, and Monday also, I have continued to enjoy a mental clearness that has been missing of late, as in the last couple of month. I have been able to win all of the small battles - no fast food or coffee has passed these lips - and recognized them as the small important steps they are. Even with the drama unfolding at work (and being unfriended on Facebook to boot!) I have been good to myself and skipping the treats so often found there. 

Speaking of treats, did you know there is such a thing as root beer float day? I was informed of such yesterday and the three of us had small floats for dessert. Fun! And I am a firm believer that a small controlled portion of a treat, shared with family to celebrate something silly, is never a bad thing.

There was even one day recently that I didn't feel like eating; for a compulsive foodie like me this is like a mini vacation and I reveled in feeling hungry but not wanting to eat for a change. What a relief for that small persistent voice to be silenced for a day. And I guess that it is since that day that I have been on my game - making conscious decisions and recognizing the baby steps that will make me feel better. Eating whole foods, not indulging on seconds when I am not hungry, not snacking at night. I'm still incorporating my green Shape shakes into every day, and while I have't had a 'clean' day in longer than I can remember, I do remember every so often to use the Clean a couple of times in a day, mixing up two servings and drinking one at breakfast and the other at work later. I'm a little nervous about running out of the Burn in a few days, but I can always order more so I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

As I think I mentioned on Saturday, it feels so good to be me for a while! Which is a little bit of a scary thought - this recognition that I think of myself as a split personality. I can't say that feeling this way is necessarily abnormal, but I can say I recognize that I like who I am right now, and not so much who I am when I am being driven crazy by the small nagging compulsive voice that comes to visit. Last night is a perfect example. I couldn't sleep, and somewhere in the wee hours of the new day my stomach began to gurgle. I thought, a handful of cashews would calm my stomach and then I could probably sleep. But the answer was immediate and clear - I don't want to eat anything, this is the time my immune system needs to work it's wonders. And that was that. Done deal. No midnight snack and no angst about it. If only I could have felt this way the past two months while using the CBS plan - but no crying over spilt milk, just moving on.

My prayer this morning is to have more days like this, to keep walking on the light side for as long as possible.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30 or 93/100 or 1/1

Work, play, work, play...needing a little grown up time (given that play time is usually with A) I have planned a road trip to the Paso Robles Macaroni and Cheese festival! H and I will drive down Saturday and then spend the night after indulging ourselves at the festival, Having a nice breakfast somewhere local before driving home on Sunday will complete the date. Also on the agenda is to visit my newly engaged cousin, who will be a vendor at the event with his bride to be whom I have never met. Fun! And three weeks of looking forward to it.

This was such a busy week with having A all to my self and such responsibilities that come inherent  to the task; I didn't even realize I wasn't writing until just now. We have had a busy morning; smoothies for breakfast, a massage for me which meant packing up a bag of diversions for A while I was getting worked on, shopping for a birthday present to take to the impending party, and then packing up the required items for the super fun afternoon and evening she has planned. At the party they are swimming, then watching a movie in the back yard in sleeping bags - it doesn't get much more fun than that when you are four and a half. I get to stay home and have a hard cider and watch whatever I want on tv!!

I am easily pleased.

And in a good mood today finally. As always I wonder where this part of me goes, and why I have to disappear at all. Very frustrating. I even put back the loaf of sourdough we had picked up while at the store, knowing one slice is never enough and not wanting to go through yet another loaf of bread. God it feels good to be sane for a change.

I don't want to use my back today, instead I will let my newly stretched muscles enjoy being unknotted so I will blend up some Shape for dinner and give them a rest from chopping veggies. That is one thing the CBS plan has reminded me of, I don't need to always chop up everything. Whole is better for our jaws anyway! Picking up fruits or veggies and eating them with minimal prep is quick and easy too. I've been packing bowls of tomatoes, asparagus, celery, peppers - whatever is handy in the fridge - to eat at work or on the drive home. All so delicious. 

4pm, time for a cider and a show, then a quick tour of the kitchen straightening up. I love weekends.




Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30 or 90/100 or 1/1

Yesterday was go go go. A busied herself with a bowl of cinnamon crunch while I packed up food to take with me; our mornings are easy and filled with accomplishment. Her sense of style is fun to admire; she will be a fashionista!

I left work early and came home to finally finish up my taxes. Done at 4:28 I packed everything up, grabbed some colouring books and her pouch of pencils, scissors and pens for A plus her leap pad, a pair of reading glasses for me, and ran to pick up A from daycare. Swinging by zPizza for a slice of pepperoni and a chocolate milk we headed to H&R block in time for my 5:30 appointment. A was a gem the first hour, and then finally a little whiny as we headed into the last half so I pointed her to the empty office and suggested she run. Which she took to heart tearing laps around the carpeted space. And speaking of her heart she came to ask me to put my hand over hers and I thought it was going to bang it's way right through her chest! Yikes!

Once done we headed home, changed into suits, and drove to the pool. Yes, drove. The wind had picked up, it was after 7pm, and I was exhausted. Despite the guilt for sitting down once again in a day filled with sitting, we drove. I didn't think I would be getting in, the evening having turned cool, but one dip of my right big toe changed my mind and in we both went. It was divine, like a bathtub. We splashed and swam for an hour, half of that time by ourselves, and loved every minute of it. I stretched and trod water and tossed A about to her hearts content before braving the cool air, wrapping ourselves in towels, and heading back home.  A was cocooned in blue and white stripes under her car seat straps, a wet but warm bundle of joy.

After a bath and de-ionized (de-chelated?) hair A was ready for gobbling down a big bowl of watermelon while watching this weeks taping of SYTYCD. I joined her in both, loving both the fruit and the dancing, not to mention the company. De-tangling her hair was a breeze as it had been in a braid all day and then sprayed with conditioner once clean; a successful venture that I intend to repeat as many times as she will allow this week!

A quick phone call to chat with R completed the day; it sounds like so far her trip is exhausting but successful. Needless to say we miss her.

Finally at 9:30 I put on my parenting hat and declared it bedtime. She went with minimal fuss, and I turned the TV to Perception and snacked on roasted Brussels sprouts just out of the oven. While it's exhausting just getting all this down, it's a good feeling to have accomplished so much.

I realized there are ten days left of the 100 day CBS plan. I can be glad of the pounds and inches lost, and that the products kept me from gaining weight during what turned out to be a stressful and challenging couple of months. But I did not give it the chance it deserved; such is life, the best laid plans and all that. Seeing the even number of ten I think I want to finish the way I began, with the ten day cleanse, and the mere thought fills me with renewed determination. The fridge is full of veggies and fruit, I have the products - Houston, we're good to go!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 18/30 or 89/100 or 1/1

So yesterday did not go as planned. I felt like every speck of energy had been sucked right out of me, and small headaches came and went.  I napped, A did not, and still no energy. This morning it occurs to me I felt much as R did the day before; maybe there was a small bug we were fighting off in turns? We had buttered slices of sourdough and perfectly ripe peaches for dinner, so delicious.

This morning is much better. A is dressed and fed on a bowl of life and fresh strawberries, I am dressed and my breakfast of grapes and a peach is packed for the drive in to work. Grape tomatoes, asparagus tops and a Shape shake are packed in my cooler for lunch. And while neither one of us wants to be on our way, it is what it is. Perhaps I will take one day off this week so we can goof off and make up for yesterday's lethargy.

I am determined to have a good week, and feed myself correctly so I have the energy this little child deserves. And we are going to put her hair up in a ponytail tonight to see if it helps with morning tangles. Poor us. 

Time to brush the little white soldiers and take off for the day. Or teefies as A says :)

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 17/30 or 88/100 or 1/1

Dropped R at the airport this morning just before 5am, then A and I came back and slept another hour and a half before rising at 7. We have made a grocery list, been to two stores (making sure to visit every living thing at the pet store before leaving) and come home to a snack of graham crackers and cheese. Think deconstructed cheesecake - our treat for missing R.) We are now discussing the merits of swimming before or after her nap, and while I am bigger, she is outweighing me in the determination department. But I need a nap too so we will go later this afternoon. R reminded me to NOT negotiate with A and that is the plan.

We picked up all the basics, a couple of 'natural' fast food options and a bag of bean and cheese burritos in case of an emergency. If nothing else probably M can polish those off. 

So far today we have learned that A can open the car door from the outside all by herself if she puts some oomph into it, and that when given the choice will pick a brownie bite over a cookie and strawberry milk over chocolate milk.

The plan for me today is to organize the fridge, see if there is anything besides the kale that needs to be used up right away and make a batch of soup. This means the bean soup from last weekend will be processed into re-fried beans (we need a different name for these)  and frozen in batches to make room for the new soup. A shape shake for lunch and the leftover Chinese food (mostly veggies) from yesterday for dinner should round out the food part of the day for me. A has requested leftover chowmein for her dinner, and a sunflower seed butter sandwich with sliced strawberries and bananas for lunch.

Yyyyyyaaaaawwwwnnnnn....is it nap time yet?

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 16/30 or 87/100 or 1/1



Another day of writing missed. First I was up too early and 'farming' on the computer before 4am, then off to work early after a co-worker texted in sick. What a long day, which included a buttermilk doughnut,  then the drive home munching on asparagus and grape tomatoes. Finally home to bean soup and a black bean burger and tomato sandwich for dinner in front of my old friend the boob tube. When I don't have green smoothies my energy level plummets; I know better, why can I not treat myself in the best possible way so that I enjoy the benefits?  In my defense I did use my green coffee bean Burn capsules, drink my water, and eat my veggies.

So after that little whine you will love what we made for breakfast this morning.  


Photo: Blueberry Crisp~gluten-free, dairy-free, cane sugar-free3-4 Cups Blueberries (Or your favorite fruit)5 T Maple SyrupGrated Rind of one Lemon¾ Cup Almond Meal¾ Cup Quinoa Flakes½ t Sea Salt½ – 1 t Cinnamon3 T Coconut Oil, liquid at room temperatureKudos: Dianna BonnyMore: http://bit.ly/1bGM5lp
Source:  https://www.facebook.com/DrLisaShaver

Blueberry Crisp made with almond flour, maple syrup, cinnamon and rolled oats, bound with coconut oil for the fat and after baking we added a limey drizzle for the top ( since I forgot the zest on the bottom.) A perfect weekend morning; cooking with A and puttering in the kitchen.

Today is the dreaded furniture moving day, which would be fine if it didn't include moving all the wires for the TV, Stereo, U-verse box and Wii. Wireless entertainment is now mentally added to the lottery winner's list! Which finally brings me to the thought of the morning. After being a little bit snippy with A for the third time in a row this morning I realized I was pre-stressing about our week together. Crazy! We will have a great time, I will be my normal sweet self, and tap into all the muchness I can to ensure A is a happy camper along with same said self.

Now, that off my mind I am back to my new Neil Gaiman audio book (which he is narrating and doing it wonderfully of course) and to my chores. Good Grief (or as I said, Oh Crap!) I just made her cry - she must also be living the stress of her mother being gone before it happens. I need to turn this around!!

And OMG it's almost ten and I'm not ready for my drive to Lodi - after dragging by minute by minute yesterday, today time is flying past at an alarming rate. I go.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 85/100 or 1/1

Where to begin. While tempted to record the ups and downs of yesterday's trip to Napa, the experience left me..drained? And I will only jot down a few notes. It was even a little cathartic after living through the initial horror of realizing I was surrounded by family who looked like my ex and our son. That is what Jim would have looked like at 80, that is what Joey could have looked like at 30.  My intentions in going were pure, to show respect for Betty and to support R. I forgot I hadn't seen this side of the family since Joeys memorial, talk about a mental block, and wasn't anticipating the strong reaction I experienced. I also hadn't expected a Catholic service; at least the church was beautiful and it gave me a new perspective from which to think about some of the family. But I was overcome with emotion, and felt like a skinned cat upon leaving. I will say that the two granddaughters who spoke nailed it; Betty made you feel loved, and like you had her attention - the joy she lived with was genuine and she shared it with us all.

Once back at B's (outlaw sis) in their beautifully remodeled home with a glass of red at hand and busy getting trays of food out I was okay. Then after weeping a little more with family and getting caught up I did feel better. The sweet ladies in their 90's who mentioned I hadn't changed a bit, well that was much appreciated and I soaked it up. And seeing the cousins together all grown up was a treat. How I wished for just a moment that everything could have been different; that Joey and Jim were there, that they were happy productive souls, that M could have been there with R, that drugs and alcohol hadn't been such a destructive force in our lives. But I have learned not to second guess life, and it was just a fleeting thought, not anything to dwell over.

Thank heavens R was driving us home, the wine hit me hard. I did indulge in several skinny slices of french baguette, each topped with a slice of peppered salami and a smear of Gorgonzola -So Delicious! A handful of kettle chips and one peanut butter cookie completed my repast. Once home we did make it to the pool, and had a fun time with A - everyday with her at the pool reminds me of how important fun and courage are in equal measure. Back at the house we had salads for dinner, and after dozing off several times in front of the TV I gave it up and headed to bed at 8pm.  And slept. And slept. And slept some more! Rolling out of bed at 7:10 this morning I barely made it to work on time at 8. Emotions can be more exhausting than any physical labours, no?

Upon arising this  morning I did notice that there was a new calm present in my demeanor despite my rushing about, and I realized that I really had needed yesterday; to see family, to grieve, to hug and be hugged. Feeling lighter I stepped on the scale before dressing and was delighted to see that the five pounds I had regained over the past month were gone and I was back on track. Which probably led to my crazy lunch. I had rushed out of the house so fast this morning I didn't pack any food. I spent lunch time at Harvest Farms picking up fruit and veggies and yes, the jalapeno chips I a had for lunch were an impulse buy at the counter. In my defense I also polished off four stalks of celery at my desk to finish up the urge to crunch, and then half an apple on the way home. 

Dinner will be a shake since I didn't have one at lunch, and it's hot so I imagine we will be going to the pool again once A is home. It is a testament to how crazy I have been that I was able to go so many years without swimming and the pool just a short walk down the street the whole time. Just Insane.

Time to get busy; a child to pick up, a shake to blend, swimming to do, and finally the Thursday ritual of taking out the garbage. Life does have a tendency to go on when one is still breathing, like it or not. And mostly lately, I like it.

Update:  I almost forgot two random awesome events. Not that they were awesome in and of themselves, but because it was so crazy to see how fast the universe can respond. R was backing out of our parking space at Trader Joe's where we had stopped on the way home from Napa and mentioned how dangerous the parking lot was there. Immediately a car backed into us! No harm no foul, but hilarious. Then later when we were at the pool A and I were showing her how A floats on her back to watch the migration of sea gulls as they make their daily trek from the dump in the foothills out to the coast. R said aren't you afraid of what might fall on you? Immediately a big white splat hit the cement not three feet from her. Amazing. Ask and you shall receive; the universe does not hear 'no'.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 13/30 or 84/100 or 1/1

Yesterday was a good day, despite a little drama at work. I worked through lunch, left early drinking my shake on the way home, picked up A early and we hit the pool. It was overcast and a little muggy which meant we were the only ones there! A barley wore her vest and for the first time ever swam the width of the pool by herself; not once, not twice, but FIVE TIMES! So proud of our little mermaid. Later in the evening once R was home she had the laptop work had given her for a business trip and she plugged in the flash drive I had given her last Christmas of all the pics of A off my computer - there was a wonderful video I had shot of her when she was..two? less? Anyway, there she was splashing in the birdbath and giggling away; it was fun to see that we had been playing in water together her whole life. I so admire her fearlessness, and love how tired and hungry she is when we get home.

I did have a small bowl of the homemade mac n cheese I had made her for dinner (it had steamed orange cauliflower hidden in it) and then had my spicy bean soup. So good.

Today we head up to Napa for memorial services, so no work. Also no wine tasting. Speaking of which I will get to see the grapes that are ripening in the vineyard at H's on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to that. What I am not looking forward to is moving more furniture and figuring out where to put things. Oh well, at least I will be up on my feet and moving. Which reminds me I wanted to do some chores before the heat descends.

Hopefully we will make it back to the pool this evening, but if not we have mint in the fridge and rum in the cupboard to welcome us home from what will no doubt be an emotionally exhausting day. I think I'll pack my Balance spray....

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 12/30 or 83/100 or 1/1

To some I could say, 'well, it was Monday,  you know', and they would totally just get it without further explanation or having to dredge up the tedious details of what that meant exactly. But quite a while ago I read that we spend a seventh of our lives on Monday, and I have previously posed that it would be a shame to harbour hard feelings for such a large fraction of our lives. That being said, yesterday was not so awful; it was just NOT the weekend anymore and there is always a touch of sadness about that state of affairs despite my aforementioned resolve concerning Mondays.

We finished off the delicious beans and the last of the flour tortillas for dinner last night, then mini chocolate caramel ice cream bars for desert. I think it is obvious I have forgotten I am at the tail end of 100 days on the CBS plan, or have reverted back into the lazy uncaring attitude of a loser - big giant L blazing on my forehead right now. I am still using the products, and despite my indiscretionary eating at least not gaining weight. For my latest excuse I bring forward the demise of my erstwhile mother in law, and I would like to take a moment to hold her up to the light.

Betty welcomed me into her large family with open arms when I married her son, and likewise the children that followed despite already having a plethora of grandchildren. I first met her as my Boss when a mutual friend knew she needed a bartender and I needed a job to tide me over while going to real estate school. I had recently exited a ...difficult relationship...and was determined to forge a new career sans men. I was hired, and two weeks later while walking into work my eyes met those of her son who was just back from a trip to Arizona with his girlfriend. Of course at the time I didn't know who he was, just that it was love at first sight. And to be clear, after years of thinking this through over and over, I wouldn't go back and change a thing no matter what was to follow (Drugs, Divorce, Death) But I digress. I ended up working for and with my MIL on and off for about...twenty years? More? She taught me the valuable axiom of 'waste not want not', and showed me how to be a 'working' manager; skills I have carried with me through my life and still practice to this day. She made me a better person, and Tuesday became a very sad day upon learning of her passing. I regret the times I did not go to visit after her son and I divorced, it was nothing less than shameful. But I had moved on, had a new career, a new Beau, a new hobby. For the first time in years I was actively engaged in having fun and visiting her would undoubtedly be about dredging up the past.  Later I was simply scared; she too lost a son, more than once, and that was a grief too deep to share. I hope R is right, I hope she is with her boys.

So tomorrow we drive up to Napa to say our farewells and mingle with Rhiannon's cousins and my outlaws for the afternoon.  I can't say that I am looking forward to it, but she deserves the respect our attendance signifies, and there will be many there that I love and miss.

One more tiny rant. I am driving up to see H on Saturday to pick up some furniture. He suggested I drive up in the morning, have lunch, then we drive back bringing the credenza and coffee table with us.  I think it is relevant I was not invited up to spend Friday evening, and here I am once again letting my heart get a little broken and I am begging the powers that be to release this man once and all from my affections. Or something like that. Why can't I just be his friend and enjoy that much of him. Why this prolonged torture I subject myself to for no good reason.

Thinking about my life is just exhausting this morning. Maybe a shower will make things right, or at least a little better. I can only hope.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 10/30 or 81/100 or 1/1

I am currently listening to Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers, and I would like to give a shout out to my friend, who for arguments sake I shall call Poodle, for both the trip down memory lane (remembering my mother's voice reading to me about gluing stars in the sky) and for reminding me there are more books about Mary that I need to share with my granddaughter. Upon hearing I was excited about the upcoming Disney movie, Saving Mr. Banks, Poodle had voiced her incredulity that I could do any such thing after the travesty Disney had made of Mary Poppins. This led me to first download the audio book and then this morning to google Travers (above.)

I am only on chapter 8, but I know already there is nothing here that can diminish my love of the Disney movie - for me it was 'practically perfect in every way' and remains so. Perhaps as it's own work of art removed from the book, as most good movies are, but nevertheless, something I will always love with good regard. So yes, I am still looking forward to the new movie, but it will now be seasoned with a healthy grain of salt and I will enjoy it from the perspective of the media in which it was born. I can only hope it is something Miss Travers would have appreciated. Having been reminded of her as an author my curiosity has now been piqued about her other writings, and about her life which seems to be rich with wonderful details of which I was formerly unaware. I see many hours of reveling in her words in my near future; I wonder if any others have been produced as audio books - I will have to make the digital library my next stop.

On to food! Last night I soaked a bag of dried black beans and the water I poured off this morning was a wonderful rich blue leading me to wonder about natural colours and why this wasn't used instead of artificial blue number 1. But I digress...putting the beans on to cook in fresh water in a large pot, I then caramelized a large red onion in my saute pan with a scoop of coconut oil and ground cumin. While they were bubbling away I chopped up red bell peppers and crisp curly kale leaves and set them aside to stir in to the crock pot once the beans and onions were ready. Wanting more greens I added in the rest of the beet tops I had been using in my smoothies last week to the pan of onions with some of the water from the beans and a package of Chipotle seasoning. Once the timer dinged I poured everything into the crock pot and stirred. Still not happy with the bean to veggie ratio I stirred in the last three inches left in the bottom of a bag of broccoli slaw and then it was gorgeous.  Now the question becomes, do we splurge and cook some of the soup down to a rich thickness and add some jack cheese and flour tortillas for an incredibly sumptuous dinner, or have healthy bowls of bean soup to end the week. I never know until the time comes, but in any case I will have enough leftovers for several nutritious dinners and that always makes me feel like I have not wasted the weekend.

And the dogs are rushing the door; the girls must be home from their errands signaling an end to this blessed quiet. Hopefully we will take the walk we planned this morning, then an hour or so in the pool before A goes down for a nap. How I love the contrast between storm and quiet that our little 'unguided missile' provides.

And how happy I am that this is still Sunday, despite the fact H and I never firmed up plans to do something together this weekend which makes me a little sad. And the girls are knocking on my window to show off the new bubble wands. I am off!

Update:  Burritos won. Slices of avocado, real Jack cheese, homemade pico de gallo and refried beans with shredded lettuce on top - So delicious!


Saturday, July 20, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 9/30 or 80/100 or 1/1

Wow, I didn't write all week. I think instead I rediscovered the link between pain and eating, and how easily I can disappear into the addiction of online farming. Waking up in pain is not fun, and while not the worst lot life can hand out, it's very frustrating to be back at a place I have so recently vacated. The fall last weekend really tweaked my right side, shoulder and hip, and .... well just Grrrrrrrrr. I took several walks last week trying to keep my hip limber, and spent time at the pool with A making sure to work my shoulder with the same goal in mind.  Limping to the bathroom this morning I felt old and decrepit, NOT fun. Not me. Not acceptable. Hence the eating, I had forgotten what a distraction it is from pain to simply eat. Getting on the scale this morning I was glad to see that at least I hadn't gained anything, and pissed off I had wasted a week by not losing anything.

I did use my CBS products, which is probably why I maintained my weight despite the sausage muffin & decaf with cream and sugar I had EVERY morning on the way to work last week.(I won't bore you with the rest of the details of my gluttony) Lord give me strength. Well, give me Cleanse at any rate; today will be a clean day and maybe I'll even make it a clean weekend and go back to the initial cleansing schedule. I remember fondly those first ten days and how my appetite had checked out for parts unknown. What a relief - I could use that feeling again about now.

Other extenuating factors for my 'lost' week (I wonder how many lost weeks in a row this now makes... six?); M is gone again for an indeterminate length of time, H mentioned getting together this weekend and despite a gentle reminder from me has failed to mention it again (time to rethink this little scenario?), my taxes are still not done....and the pain, the pain! (lol, did you just get a visual of a little guy in a white suit pointing up from an island to a plane in the sky???)

I'm wishing again this morning that I hadn't turned down the hot tub a couple of weeks ago, what rotten timing that turned out to be. But it confirms my theory that you only need something once it's gone; we all take too much for granted day in and day out. Human nature and all that.

So where are my positives this morning. I didn't replant any of my 19 farms in Farmtown so there is nothing urgent there to draw me in this weekend; I have a massage scheduled for later this morning (super YAY); It is to be a warm weekend and we can get in a lot of swimming; My little dog loves me; I have a fridge full of veggies so no grocery shopping required this weekend; I have amazing reserves of strength, I just need to remember to tap into them.

I must say I have missed the act of writing this past week, and it feels good this morning to clatter away and clear my brain.  Damn I wish the tub were hot....

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 3/30 or 74/100 or 1/1

What a good day yesterday was - well, up to a point. I could have done without the part where I tripped over a puggle, wrenching hip and shoulder and landing on the tripod of elbows and nose - which went 'crunch' but isn't broken; no black eyes and just a little swelling this morning.

The day began with a walk to the dog park with the pack, and once there we met a very nice man and his two min-pins. Back at home Brunch was a yummy Shape shake, followed by housekeeping and then a walk to the pool and swimming. I baked some gluten\dairy free brownies to take to Bunco (yum), and did the quick fix on the front. (I love having the pots of flowers out there, it's so cheery now.) Right up until I did the canine trip I was enjoying being on my feet all day. This happened just before friends were due to arrive to  go with us to play Bunco so I took a pain pill, chugged a beer, and put a bag of frozen strawberries on my nose and my flat ice pack under my hip. It was rather pathetic limping around all night (in Bunco you rotate tables; it's very social) but at least I wasn't suffering the aches and pains of this  morning. This is the first opportunity I have had to wish I hadn't turned down the heat on the hot tub for the summer. This morning I feel my age; this morning it feels good to sit!

Despite the fall, last night was a lot of fun. Friends came that I hadn't seen in too long, and it was good to have a girls night out. There was a minor interruption in the gayety just as we were getting ready to leave for the party; I discovered some missing silver, and my heart broke a little bit. Cycling first through disbelief and anger and ending up at disappointment I was quick to realize they are just things. That being said I'm not sure there is a way back from this; my capacity for love has been diminished just a little bit, and M will have to move mountains to regain that fraction of my heart. As if he cares -I could weep with frustration were I not so exhausted from it all. But I digress into personal forbidden territory and must leave it at that.

I don't believe I will brave the walk to the pool today, but I might drive down and see if being in the water helps my hip. Assuming I finish my taxes as I must. I hate the procrastination that seems to be my nature. Maybe that's where all my problems stem from - the anger I hold for my shortcomings manifesting as depression. Have I just held myself to a standard too high my whole life? Is that even possible? Shouldn't we always strive for the best we can be? This is the sort of conversation I would love to have over a drink with someone else interested in figuring these types of things out. I miss having such a person in my life.

Before I dip a single toe in the pity pool I will go make tea, enjoy the coolness of the morning, and organize my desk to get started on the taxes. I will not let the small inconveniences of yesterday wreck today; I love that each morning is a new beginning.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 2/30 or 73/100 or 1/1

Yesterday I walked at lunch, then swam with A after work. Which is good because lunch was a grilled cheese at The Habit with co-workers\buddies. In my defense I passed on onion rings or fries, took my Burn before walking to lunch, and ate all my veggies on the drive home from work.

This morning I'll walk before the heat creeps in with the sun, and once back home it's time to clean out the fridge and take stock of what we need; spinach and berries for sure, and more cauliflower and asparagus. 

All of a sudden it's the middle of July and I've never finished up my taxes, so that has to happen this weekend. Tonight we are going to Bunco across the driveway and I need to spend some time out front today to pretty it up for her company - deadhead some flowers and put away the pool toys; easy.

Kaylee is quietly woofing out the window reminding me I said "W A L K" earlier - time to move!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 1/30 or 72/100 or 1/1

As suspected, I am up a couple of pounds. Also as expected I am down more inches; I thought my arms looked a little thinner! I think it must be all the treading water I have done in the pool trying to offset the eating frenzy I've been in this past month.

Here is my chart. Total inches lost now up to 16. And the two pounds could very well be water from the salty dressing on my salad last night. Or the sugar from all the treats served at work yesterday....harrumph.

But as predicted late last night I am once again an optimist this morning, and ready to tame wild bears instead of fattening myself up to be eaten by one. I have on my desk the class schedule for the local Zumba studio, I still have CBS product to use up, and plan on hitting the pool as much as possible in this last 30 days of 100.

Today is Friday (Thank God) and lunch is already waiting for me at work having chosen big fat soft bakery cookies over my Shape shake at work yesterday. Twice a month we run hundreds of cheques for our 50 some clients and put together packets to mail out for signature. We call it AP day and the hand motions involved are hard on my back. Normally on this day I indulge in a small piece of dark chocolate from the endless bowl up front, but yesterday a realtor had dropped by with a big box of thank you cookies and I had no qualms about grabbing first one, and then later on one more to tide me over emotionally.

I am so bad!

But I have potential!

And I have a date with H next weekend! So I'm going with the one day at a time approach and have decided to make this particular one a good one. Seven of those = having a good week which will put me in the right frame of mind to feel good about myself next Saturday morning as I am driving up to meet him. But that is thinking too far ahead; my job today is just that - today.

Time to head off and check my hair so I know what kind of a day it's REALLY going to be and admire my arms while I am at it :)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30 or 71/100 or 1/1

I hit a rough patch this evening. Trying to help a four year old with the hose while dragging the trash bins out of the back yard and at the same time keeping three dogs in the back yard I smashed my thumb so hard the nail bit into the skin and began to bleed. Standing at the kitchen sink, two pieces of ice clamped around the offended digit, I began to cry. All the frustration and anger of the past month came flowing out of me in a burst of tears, each one filled with pent up emotions. Later I will have to figure out where all this anger is coming from, but for the moment I was unconsolable. I leaned on my elbows waiting for the pain to subside, feeling like a child helpless in the throes of overwhelming emotion and hurt feelings. ( I live with a four year old, I know what that looks like!)

A perfect ending to a rough 30 day patch. Once the bleeding was under control I sat down to see if H were online. "You there?" I queried. No. He wasn't. So I dried my tears, pulled up my big girl panties, and did a little farming to settle down. I recovered quickly, I had to, A was going to be in any second and I needed to be okay for her. Once she arrived I was back to what passes for normal and then had to comfort her as she saw the bloody paper towel I had pressed around my thumb. The worst part was that I was now in no mood to go swimming and it was her turn to be momentarily devastated. I hate failing her, but there was no way I was walking down to the pool at 8pm on an evening that wasn't hot with a thumb that was. 

Once her mother was home and had things in hand I realized it was day 71 of 100 and that I hadn't weighed in (I didn't want to anyway) or measured. It will have to happen tomorrow. Just very sad and disappointed for a moment. But this too shall pass and in the morning I will be my bright cheery self again, ready to pump myself up, play the Pollyanna game, and head into the next 30 with optimism and good intentions.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 29/30 or 70/100 or 1/1

Being of sound mind this morning I took what was left of the chocolate cake and shoved it down the garbage disposal; with satisfaction I listened as it was masticated beyond retrieval.

Favorite go to Shake blended up for lunch and packed (spinach, flax meal, almond\coconut milk, blueberries). Hot water on to make tea for the morning commute. First glasses of water downed with daily vitamins and Burn. Mornings are easy peasy, if only evenings were the same. The difference is the stress level - right now the house is cool and quiet, I've been puttering outside in the fresh air, my mind is clear and focused. So the question becomes, how do I achieve this same calm throughout the day. At work I am busy and have the good veggies and shake for my noon repast, but once I hit the road to come home there needs to be a way to shake off the day and resume a calm demeanor to greet the evening. A way to let the day go, ignore the traffic while still arriving home in one piece, and drive out the demon thoughts that try to lead me astray. Nothing a chauffeur  a personal 'assistant\chef' and a Yogi couldn't take care of. So that is what I need to become once I slip out of my accountant persona at 4pm - sigh. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

New train of thought; for now, get ready for work. Plan for this evening, enlist DD for help in clearing out the kitchen of all temptation and making a workable Honey Do list for us girls to work on in the evenings so we are busy and productive. Drinking my shape shake on the way home yesterday worked in getting me safely home, so I just need the house to be safe again. The swimming is good, that can stay!

I only purchased the initial ten days of the CBS plan, plus two 30's. I have two whole jars of Shape left so I am wondering if I did something wrong - I'll have to check that out. My plan for the next 30 will be to use it as a meal replacement each day, continue eating for nutrition as I see it, and keep moving. Once a week I want to use my juicer that has been sitting on the counter staring at me balefully while I have been eating 'high fiber' on the plan; that will be my clean day each week!

But you know me and my plans. One day at a time, and make it count. The battle continues. I will not give up, and I will continue this record for the full 100 days, but  I must say I look forward to the morning I do not have to chalk off another day. The plan guide was right, you only have to follow the plan for it to work, and when I do, it does. But I haven't been this whole last month - and that's my bad, not Orendas. We both deserved better, and for a moment I will let myself be sad. But today, as all days, is another beginning, and I persevere.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 28/30 or 69/100 or 1/1

On the positive side, I am balancing the pieces of chocolate cake each day with lots of raw veggies. And another hour plus in the pool after work today with A, who keeps me moving moving moving. She's a pistol. And I walked to the store at lunch today for a can of nuts to keep at the office - I have a plastic cup to measure out my 1/4 cup serving for an afternoon snack. Amazing reading the ingredients, I ended up with a can of mixed nuts whose only ingredients were nuts, oil and salt. All of the other choices had 'natural flavoring' (often glutamates), sugar, corn syrup, etc. For heavens sake already!

But I did make it through the day without fast food, so that is a step in the right direction. I took my bowl of veggies to work, and my blueberry-spinach Shape shake to drink on the drive home. I was fine until I walked in the front door and that damn cake was still sitting on the kitchen counter, high on a glass pedestal calling my name.

Long day, I'm worn out - time to vote for my favorite dancers and hit the sheets.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30 or 68/100 or 1/1

Despite my brilliance, and all evidence to the contrary, I can be a slow learner. As evidenced by the last 58 years! Anyway, just sayin'.

I have decided that Mondays should always be Clean days - a new start each week to set off on the right track, just in case there was cake involved on Sunday. And there was. One small piece plus one small bite a little later. Not too bad considering it was chocolate on chocolate. Even this morning sipping on my berry water (Clean) I have no desire for another piece. On another day in another time I would have woken in the middle of the night to snag a piece, and had another one for breakfast. Ugh. But not so on this day, and in this time.  I'm good. 

I realized over the weekend that I have been playing a balance game - as in, how much can I eat while using the CBS plan and not gain weight. And while that may be a great strategy for someone at goal weight, for someone (me) who has a lot to lose (at least 30 more pounds) this is just craziness. I have almost two months of sanity between me and September. And while I don't want to forecast gloom and doom, the emotions tend to pile on between then and February. The dark half of the year as I have come to recognize it; Joey was born in September and died in February, a challenge to every holiday in between.

There, I typed it. It's out there for the universe to absorb and absolve. I am no longer interested in living a half life; if there was emotional penance to be paid I have done so. So I fell hard (who wouldn't) and heaped blame on my shoulders (again, normal) but it is time to take to heart the things my brain has learned and do some better work at chipping away at bygones. Almost every day Alanna has been telling me that her Uncle died but that he is alive in her heart. She is four and a half, they never met. But at four they tend to take in everything they hear, scramble it around in their infinitely brighter brains, and spout out truths as though it were nothing. As it is before we 'grow up' and forget how to think clearly. So she is merely telling me what we have already told her. The difference is that she hears it as the truth it is and makes it believable when she throws my words back in my face - so to say.

She is everything a person should be, and I will strive to keep that light with me in the coming seasons; when the time comes I will wear it like a cloak. And for now, for the rest of this summer, I will stop treading water unless I am actually in the pool; I will use every tool I have gathered but let rust from neglect.  I will make this time count. Positive affirmations, lots of water, reading about nutrition online instead of playing games, and spending more time on my feet. Throw negative thoughts to the curb and embrace everyone and everything that brings light into my life. And that includes Orenda; they have kept me going through it all - keeping my body ready for when my mind was willing, and I won't waste this latest gift, this CBS plan. Instead I will put my head back on my shoulders where it belongs and get busy!

With that thought in mind I head to work, grateful for another day in which to make a difference.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 26/30 or 67/100 or 1/1

There is a chocolate cake sitting under glass on the kitchen counter. Decorated with small bear sprinkles and sporting both a brightly coloured 3 and a 5 placed so as to proclaim to one and all that someone is 35 today, it may as well have Birthday written all over it. Just back from the pool and sipping my chocolate Shape for dinner I am currently not interested in the cake. I am more concerned about tonight, when everyone has gone to bed and the house is once again quiet, and it's just me and the cake.

I walked Kaylee to the pond and back this morning, did some light housekeeping, a little work in the backyard, and went swimming; I have moved today and it feels good. Mostly. Because I am sore from my massage yesterday, and at this point would just like to lay down and veg.  But I know moving is better than not, and there are still a couple of things to be done.

I find that I am surprised that the weekend is almost over, and that another Monday is peeking at me from around the corner; where did the days go. Tired and blathering I find I don't have much to say.

I wonder if I will be able to eat just one bite of M's Birthday cake....

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 25/30 or 66/100 or 1/1

I'm not sure what happened yesterday - moving on! Goodbye Friday, Hello Saturday.

This is the picture I just posted to the CBS group on facebook this morning. To get some perspective back into my eating habits I piled them all up in a bowl so there is no thinking involved. If it's in the bowl I will eat it. Easy.


Today I have a massage appointment at 11:30. I am so looking forward to it; it's been about two months since I took a break from my schedule of going every other week and I can feel the tightness building in my neck, back and shoulders. I'm going to leave early to see if the nearby Zumba studio is still operational, and if so what their hours are for classes. It is within a bikes ride from the house and I would love to go a couple of times a week after work to unwind and keep the body moving. It always comes back to the fact that I can't seem to look elsewhere than food for stress relief. I know what I could be doing, but can't seem to take steps down that path. But Zumba sounds fun, so I am hoping. It's much cooler today, but we will still make it down to the pool later this afternoon to swim. 

In the meantime it's a lovely cool morning, the birds are chirping away, and I've cleaned all the chlorine out of my hair. The dish and clothes washers are both rumbling away, and it's time to make some more headway on this room.  Who can achieve a most excellent mood while surrounded by stuff!

I want everything clean; mind, body & bedroom. Clear the clutter and everything else will follow! I'm so full of hope this morning, I wonder where it was yesterday - it just sort of dissipated once I reached work. I need to reclaim the part of me that can sluff off the negative energy of others, and just look into myself and draw on the calm and joy that I know live there always, no matter how small a spark it might seem some days.

Off to grab my first bottle of water, plug in the latest Nevada Barr book, and get busy!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30 or 65/100 or 1/1

Yesterday went almost exactly as planned; it would have been perfect had I not picked up the pint of salty caramel gelato when grocery shopping in the morning, then elected to stay home with the dogs while the rest of the family took off for the fireworks. AND they were stopping at Cold Stone on their way instead of having dessert at home; it was a perfect storm, and I dove into the gelato as though it were a lifesaver once it was just me and the dogs at home. The rest of the day was great; staying on plan, walking to where we swim, staying on my feet most of the day puttering around the house. And actually the gelato part was great too, I enjoyed every blissful bite and skipped the side serving of guilt!

I feel good this morning, if a little sad about having to drive to work in a bit, it feeling more like Sunday than Friday. But how wonderful it will be about 3 this afternoon when I realize there are two more days off to be had! And in the 80's instead of the 100's, whoo hoo!

For now I need to go wash this 'pool hair' and find something to wear and hit the road; the sooner I get there the sooner I can leave.  Burn, Shower, Drive. I can do this.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30 or 64/100 or 1/1

I woke a little groggy this morning having gone to bed later than usual, but once I had visited the loo and opened up the house to cool off I couldn't relax back into sleep mode despite my desire to do just that. Instead my mind drifted to the dream I had just had, which was very interesting - my new love interest had just been revealed to be a mutant (think man sized fire breathing lizard covered with beautiful tats) and my once-upon-a-time sister in law was there - and then once I had mulled all of that over in the luxury of an unhurried morning my thoughts drifted on to the day ahead. All of a sudden I had a picture of the CBS tracking chart I had first posted on the fridge and then neglected to actually use; it had written across the middle of it, "Here there be dragons". No, not really, what it said was an old saying of my grandmothers that has occasion to rear it's ugly head, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." How close to the mark she was!

That led me to thoughts from Gilbert's book Eat Pray Love and the idea that where we go when we leave our bodies is all the same place. The way we get there is the path we take, that we create through our choices. Here is a link, and another one I found of other quotes from the book while trying to find the one I wanted; wait, here it is - quote # 1 on this page!

Wow - rereading all of these brings such strong feelings into me and I can feel my spirit soar. This is the book that helped me the most through Joey's death. I think I read it twice and listened to it another few times, maybe even four. The author reads the audio book and all the inflections are perfect, the intent of the words crystal clear, and she is a great reader with a wonderful story. I strongly suggest listening to this book! lol.

What a great feeling to start the day. While the fourth of July went from a magical day each year as a child to one fraught with stress and drugs and rock and roll as an adult, other than the fireworks I haven't had much use for it since the year the kids and I were almost bashed into by the then drunk husband on his way home to meet us. I was driving the kids to the fireworks by myself because he hadn't made it home in time when he almost careened out of control in his car, just missing us and making the corner we were approaching from the other way. This particular holiday, the 4th of July, died a little death for me that day; I can't begin to  explain the fear, anger and ultimate disappointment that flooded me that evening. Browsing through all of the quotes in the links I found above reminds me this morning that I need to let go. I think today I will do a freedom ritual, I think today I will decide to let go of that particular past.

So what was I saying? Oh yes, what a great feeling to start the day. Positive, full of hope, feeling my inner lioness roar about love and growth and possibilities for heaven on earth in this beautiful world. I'm off to mix up my two batches of Clean and have a juicy ripe nectarine to break my fast on this last day of the current heat wave.

Wait - what was I thinking about before I was so wonderfully sidetracked - my CBS tracking chart.  My vision was of the chart and the block of writing in the middle of it that has recorded my less than stellar performance this past month, but it also showed me the last days (all 36 of them) with marks in every box. I believe I am going to make each and every one of them count as shown to me in this dream. This morning that feeling is so real it may as well have already happened. (Maybe it already has, wink wink.)

Happy Fourth of July!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 22/30 or 63/100 or 1/1

It has always seemed a paradox; how the days can fly past yet each one drag along at a snails pace. This day has lasted forever. Everything I touched at work became complicated, or a research project, or a fire to put out. It was hot hot hot on the walk to pick A up from daycare after work, and because of the heat we waited until late to go down to the pool. The water was perfect and it was almost 9:30 before we headed home. 

I walked into my bedroom to find A sitting on  my bed holding a framed picture of me holding Rhiannon and Joey in their Halloween costumes when her mother was her age now. She had the saddest little look on her face as she told me she missed her Uncle Joey. I was inspired to pull out the DVD I had made of all my old Super 8 films after he was gone so I wouldn't lose the footage; I had never played it for her and thought it would give her a better idea of who he was.

So the three of us girls gathered around the tv and we watched as Rhiannon grew from a toddler of one to a frolicsome four like A is now, and it was fun comparing the two of them and seeing so much of her mother in Alanna.  And A, bless her heart as my Grandmother used to say, says, "you were a lot younger then, Grama!" How strange to see myself young and fit, and remember how fat I felt at the time. Oh to be that size again! But I'm working on it. And Joey as a baby, then crawling and toddling around. A agreed he was very cute!

So many in the footage that are gone now besides Joey; Uncle Billy, Jim, Aunt Beth. All of a sudden it's 11pm and A is still not in bed! And the air has become stifling with the blend of air conditioning and melancholia. The rest of the disc will have to wait until tomorrow.

I think the late swimming gave us all a second wind; thank heavens tomorrow is a Holiday and we can all sleep in. Well, one can hope anyway. In the meantime I am just a little sad, and missing the sweet little children that R and J were, and how happy I was being their Mommy. Life goes on, and for now I have A, and that's a good thing, and I am grateful.

I am looking forward to getting some things done around the house tomorrow, doing some more swimming, and getting a walk in if I am up before the heat. It's a Clean day on the CBS plan, and I always look forward to those. Tomorrow will be a little different since I won't be at work, but I have plenty to keep myself busy and out of the fridge. Speaking of which I need to make an early pit stop at the store for veggies before the crazy holiday shoppers are out and about; I had better get my owahzoo to bed!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 or 62/100 or 1/1

The only thing missing yesterday was the exercise. By the time A reminded us we hadn't gone to the pool it was almost bedtime. She is a gaming gal and we had spent our time on Rummikub, or a version of it that a four and a half year old can play; we will make a point to head down to the pool after work today. Being in the middle of a heat wave should be enough incentive!

H joined the gym yesterday, and I googled for what was available in Livermore for evening exercise for my part of getting in shape (I want to try shooting the Pac Coast tournament in September.) I think Zumba sounds the most fun, and I will stop by the closest location after work tomorrow to see if they are still open. It would be good for the house dynamics for me to have somewhere to go a couple of evenings each week. My poor daughter, I am having a hard time reigning in my words of late, and A is hers to raise, not mine! "I promise to do a better job of biting my tongue."

It's too early to think about getting ready for work, or banging about the house making noise. I did put the air on when I awoke, and perhaps I should lay back down and try to catch a few more zzzzz's - otherwise it's going to be one long ass day.

Update:
So a long day it is. Tossing and turning in a semi stuffy room sent my mind streaming into the back yard and after a few minutes of that I was up, in my crocks and out back watering. And picking up dog messes. And turning down the hot tub to pool temperature. And hosing off the patio. And watering out front too! Showered and ready to hit the kitchen I've already put in over an hour's worth of steps and feel ready to start the day. It will be nice to come home having those chores already taken care of, smoothing our way to a clear conscious while pool bound. Go Me!

I think I'll go cut up some zucchini to snack on for the ride home. And pack an apple. And blend up another blueberry Shape shake for lunch.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30 or 61/100 or 2/40, 2/11 or 1/1

Yesterday was a good day. Breakfast, while off plan, was a reasonably portioned meal; Lunch was my Shape shake with kale, blueberries and unsweetened almond milk; Dinner a chopped salad with pepita dressing (and the last of the blue cheese, very little), avocado, tomatoe, broccoli slaw, kale, sprouted garbanzo beans & carrots. Dessert a handful of raw cashews. I drank all my daily water and took my burn capsules. I went swimming and watched in amazement as my four and a half year old granddaughter discovered she can swim (awesome) and spent as much time treading water as I could while in the pool. I did spend some time gaming on the computer in the afternoon - relaxing as A says - and had one bite of bbq chicken. The guilt outweighed how delicious it was and I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

And this morning I feel good exactly as a result of having had a good day yesterday.

     Feelings of pride and accomplishment = high spirits and a positive spiral
      Feelings of failure = the doldrums and a negative spiral

Let's see, what kind of a day should l have today?!? duh! or doh! I will have another good day and glory in how I feel tomorrow; that I ever choose otherwise makes me a little crazy. But this is in essence why the subject line now lists 1/1 as one of the markers of where I am on these 100 days of the CBS program. This is day one of one, and for today, just today, I will follow the program and get results. And tomorrow morning my spirit will once again soar. Good Deal!

I'm off to make a blueberry Shape shake to pack up for lunch, and the plan is to take a picture to capture the colour at noon so I can post to share how beautiful it is.

Rereading this before posting I am a tiny bit concerned that I have dipped into the manic side of the pool, but I don't feel manic, just positive and even a little tired. Time to take my morning burn and clean up for work.