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Saturday, January 31, 2015

A bright Morning, a gorgeous afternoon, and a quiet evening

I turned over and went back to sleep twice this morning, clinging to my dreams and unwilling to rise in the dark. Once up there was coffee to make, a pooch to feed, and a sunny patio to enjoy. Another crunchy muffin for breakfast and a Sudoku to finish up and I am finally awake. I think the extra rest was much needed and my mood is greatly improved. Plus I have the beach and my sister to look forward to on the day's agenda. Not that we can go to the beach with mom, but to see and smell it will be enough. Enough for what? I guess to soak in the negative ions and clear out the cobwebs that have settled in during the cold of winter.

I feel lighter this morning too, and will avoid dark windows at all cost!

I always enjoy the drive between Santa Clarita and Ventura; all of the orange groves and beautiful hills. We had lunch with Dee at a local favorite for breakfast, sitting out on the patio and enjoying the gorgeous day. A quick drive through the harbour and then back to Dee's and sitting out on her deck overlooking the bay, counting sailboats and bird watching. We also played a game of Bananagrams and went over A's chart. It's so fascinating seeing what is predicted of her from the time she was born, and how true to her chart she is so far. A creator, that's our A.

It's always good seeing Dee, and she extended to me the use of her house while she is away this summer. I will ask for the time off as soon as I return to work Tuesday! Kaylee was glad for us to arrive back home, and I'm ready for an quiet evening of left over soup and salad.

It's been another day of good food choices, and I am determined to once again skip any snacking between dinner and bedtime. Which is saying a lot in a house full of cookies, crackers, cream cheese & peanut butter.  Go me, as I like to say when on the right track.

Breakfast: Decaff,  whole grain english muffin with PB and J
Lunch:  Egg tacos with peppers & onions, served with fresh jalapeno and a lite dusting of cheese. w\sauteed potatoes
Dinner:  last egg taco from lunch, fresh chopped salad with lots of pepitas and red pepper

Friday, January 30, 2015

TGIF? Not really

Kaylee and I were early up to greet the quiet grey morning, more like beach than valley weather but that's okay. A cup of TJ's dark roast decaf, a shower, and a quick blow dry and I was ready for the day.  Playing bananagrams as game of solitaire I waited for Mom to rise, and kept an eye on the pooch who was sniffing her way around the house, woofing at dogs passing by the front window, and running back to check on me intermittently.  I know it's Friday, but without a full work week under my belt it is just another day, not a big sigh of relief padded with expectations of the looming weekend.

Toasted muffins for breakfast and a quick update here before tackling the project list.
     Plant a pot of narcissus
     Hang a new family picture in the hallway
     Glue a couple of christmas decorations
     Install a shelf organizer in her bathroom vanity

And I have to admit the Peanut Butter on my muffin was not of a healthy variety, but I knew if I skipped it I would be eating again in an hour. More later.

Kaylee is curled up on the day bed gnawing away on her new little alligator chewie, outside it is raining, and in the kitchen I have some mirepoix slowly sauteing on the stove for bean soup later. We have groceries to make a stir fry on Sunday, with tofu to be marinated in Podder's marinade (equal parts catsup, soy sauce, honey and sherry with some crushed garlic thrown in) and seared until caramelized. Not Superbowl fare, but it will be delicious. Tomorrow we have lunch plans in Ventura with Dee, and I know I won't have the back to chop veggies tomorrow after the driving so Sunday it is.

We lunched at Rubio's; I skipped the veggie burrito (700-900 calories) and opted for the balsamic salad with grilled veggies (240 calories) and added a side of black beans. It was a little too lite and I know I will be hungry before it's time for soup this evening but I am sure I can find something for a snack. But back to lunch. We ate out on the patio it was so nice, and unfortunately I had a clear view of myself reflected in the dark windows of the restaurant. There was so much of me, and it didn't feel fair sitting there eating like a rabbit and looking like a cow. I mean, I know I'm big, but I didn't think I was THAT big. But I am. And I have been very sad all afternoon, lost somewhere inside this fat suit and listening to all the contrary comments contributed by my mother every time I open my mouth. It's not me, it's her, I will remain calm and not take offense. But good grief charlie brown, can I not get a break? Well, I can, and her name is Kaylee, and I would be lost without her this particular trip. It's more than just the weight, I am in a funk and just want to curl up and disappear until it passes.

Time for Jeopardy and Wheel.

Breakfast: Decaff,  whole grain english muffin with PB and J
Lunch:  green salad, fajita veggies, avocado, black beans
Snack: 1/2 large pink lady apple
Dinner:  Homemade veggie bean soup

Thursday, January 29, 2015


I was the queen of puttering this morning as I organized my gear for the trip south. But first a morning with A helping her get ready for school. I dropped her off, and got a great big hug goodbye after assuring her I would be there when she arrived home on Monday.

A dozen trips back into the house retrieving forgotten items and I was finally on the road. Kaylee was a little nervous the first half hour and again on the curvy road of the Grapevine, but other than that did fine, even sharing half of the patty out of my burger when we stopped half way to stretch and grab lunch. Now that we are here and settled she is my shadow, her big brown eyes gleaming up at my every move. She has been bathed and fed and loved and now that I am sitting at the desk and typing she naps exhausted at my feet. She is my Sweetie.

Mom and I have plans tomorrow for catching up on little things that need doing. I am sad to see that she is moving more slowly than ever, and find her a cautionary tale. This could be me if I don't get my shit together. As I type I take turns stretching out the top of my feet, and often on the drive down I stretched my fingers against the steering wheel. Baby steps, but important ones. I will keep moving and stretching and aligning my body the best I can. On the wall next to me is a print out of when I won the State championship back in the Fall of 2001, displayed in a case with pictures of my grandfather, a young strong archer posing in the front of the same target face. I will shoot again, I must.

One tired girl and her dog, checking out.

Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Star burger, fries, coke
Snack: two small cuties, 1/4 large pink lady apple
Dinner:  Marie Calendar chicken pot pie, tossed green salad

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

This and That

Of course there was a last minute project at work keeping us busy most of the day. I had to run out for office supplies and while there grabbed a snack bar. Then, leaving for the day with the salad I hadn't eaten at lunch in my bag, I grabbed chips while once again at Staple returning an item.

I guess one out of four is better than no healthy meals at all! And I know I will be eating well during my visit with Mom; I try harder when down south. I hate to think of weighing in tomorrow morning given all the salt I consumed today. But I will. Hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised, but I don't feel lighter this evening.

At home and having given A a new notebook I picked up for her today I was so happy when she thanked me and told me how much she had wanted a book to write in at home because they don't get to use the ones at school very much and she loves to write! (for heavens sake take a breath child!) She may be brown nosing it a bit but her intentions are pure and she does love to write. Stage plays, poems, love notes; she is nothing if not prolific.

Time for laundry, cleaning my room, packing, and just puttering to get ready. A Vacation. Hallelujah!

There is one small thing that is still keeping the back of my mind humming. For a while yesterday evening I thought H had moved another hour away. I didn't like the way it made me feel, and until I finally heard from him otherwise I was stressing. Why. Why can't I just close that door?

Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Kind bar ( dark chocolate, cherry, cashew)
Snack: small bag of plain chips
Dinner:  lentil soup with added mushrooms & onions sauteed in sun dried tomato oil & crackers
Dessert: Boston cream pie

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Another missed Day recap

Yesterday disappeared! Time flies and all that.

Busy at work getting everything ready for my departure. Mostly good food choices. No drama. Doing dishes instead of snacking at night.

Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage biscuit
Lunch:  chopped salad with pepitas, peppers, green onion and yogurt dressing
Snack:  orange
Dinner:  lentil soup with added mushrooms & onions sauteed in sun dried tomato oil
Dessert:  Ice cream bar

Monday, January 26, 2015

Bad Blood

Getting the results of the blood work I had done the first week of January should have discouraged me from driving through for breakfast this morning, but I am not that sane. The worst of the numbers was the 268 in the row named Triglycerides. Yikes. I should be dead of a stroke with a number like that. Weirdly enough my HDL and LDL numbers were 'fine' according to the lenient standards noted. But my thyroid and liver numbers were also not normal and the note from my Dr. says to "contact me if you are not feeling well". Seriously? I have not felt 'well' since whatever the episode I had was three years ago. This is my bad since that is how long I have been putting off having the blood work done, always wanting to wait until I could be sure the numbers would be good. Which of course has not happened.


All of the little comfort foods need to go; butter, cream, mayo & the big one - CHEESE!  An overindulgence of these items are not part of a healthy eating plan by anyone's definition and I need to quit pushing the 'I Don't Care' button at the emergence of emotions or stress or challenges. I need to react from my brain and not my heart. Which is sort of an oxymoron since it's my heart and not my brain that is the organ in danger from my high risk response habits. Well, on second though maybe not, because it's the chance of stroke that scares me, and that is my brain.

Notice I did not list sausage or bacon on the list of 'must go' items above. Me, who wants to eat for nutrition, who wants to live a better life, who wants to drain the pity pool once and for all could not include the humble pig from my don't list. Harrumph!


The changes must be made once and for all. I must learn moderation for ever. It is fine to have eggs over easy on buttered toast every once in a while. It's okay to have a grilled cheese sandwich once in a while. It's okay to have pizza every so often. But 90% of the time I must eat well. I must cut out unhealthy saturated fats and get my triglycerides down. "Must Must Must" she chants as if it will make it so. As if sausage biscuits will magically disappear; my current heroin.

And finally my plunge off of the deep end, driving through for a Sourdough Jack for dinner. What the What??? My immature mentality of needing to eat something really bad before I can start eating really good is disgusting. I didn't even think of doing that, it just happened on the spur of the moment. But hopefully I have it out of my system and everything will start falling into place tomorrow. They had better...triglycerides at 268 for heaven's sake!

Breakfast: Decaff,  sausage biscuit
Lunch:  potato with sauteed veggie mix
Snack:  orange,  mixed nuts
Dinner:  sourdough jack
Snack: half an avocado and eight ritz crackers

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Food Log on the Blog

Did I ever mention why I have added my food log to the bottom of my blog? At Kaiser when getting cortisone injections for my trigger fingers the kind and helpful nurse (she is wonderful) mentioned that Kaiser is now promoting a plant based diet. She also mentioned that keeping a log to be accountable is a tried and proven tool for weight loss. I am guessing she noticed I am fat, it would not take Sherlock Holmes after all to deduce I have rolls where there should be none. I tried going back to PeerTrainer which was helpful once before, but couldn't find someone with eating habits with whom to make a connection. Paleo (the new sexy high protein unhealthy diet) has temporarily taken over the world. So I gave up and decided to just post my food here and blog everyday so I would 'see' it from a separate perspective than the lies my brain tells me. I think it may be helping, at least I am slowly losing weight and thinking more about the choices I make.

This morning I wanted eggs and toast, so off to the market and home again with supplies. I also picked up carrots, asparagus and spinach to balance out the rest of the day's meals. I also picked up a small decaf coffee while out so that I would have the gumption to finish up the tasks I want to complete today. A small but terrible habit caffeine, but it could be worse! Not that I swallow that rationalization easily, and know I must end it eventually. Of course there is my mother, who has apparently been told to have caffeine each day - but she is 23 years my senior. I am not there yet.

The rest of the day disappeared, and there was not much noteworthy to post.

Breakfast: Decaff, 2 slices  of TJ's sprouted multi-grain bread toasted w\ butter and 2 eggs fried over easy
Lunch:  salad w\ beans
Snack:  toast with motz
Dinner:  last of black eyed pea mix

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Lots done, a good day

Another weekend is knocking on my door, asking what shall we do and where shall we go? The mind is willing but the body is lacking in enthusiasm. I imagine  myself standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean, feeling the wind and hoping for a pod of pelicans to wing past. This is a memory I revisit from time to time, relishing the sensations and browsing through the pictures. It was a good day. Good enough to go back by myself this time? I think about the gas I am about to use driving down to visit Mom and think maybe the coastal trip should wait for a warmer day this Spring.

I'm going to take my video camera with me to Mom's, my goal is to figure it out once and for all so I can start using it. A is old enough now that maybe we can do some fun shorts together, like my grandfather did with his grandchildren. I would love that, and I think she would too.

My brain is everywhere this morning; listening to Kaylee chew on her rawhide, refilling my 'scripts, getting ready for my trip, going to the library, what to make for breakfast, listening to Glee while I type. Which makes me think I have strayed toward the Manic side of the scale. But it's not rampant and I am calm; just ready to accomplish SOMEthing this weekend. Even if it's just laundry and hunting in the garage for the Jenga game that A would like for us to find, Dog help us.

To  wash my hair, to dress, to eat, to check library hours - much to do this morning.

Done, done and done. I have a library bag full of new audio books to load up on my shuffle. I dropped off the good will items that have been riding around in my car since November. My car is clean inside and out (thank you Splashes), and surprisingly I am not yet exhausted.

Best of all I finally took the time to get my free audio book (thank you Audible) downloaded to my phone! Move Your DNA by Katy Bowman is an excellent listen. I have already been exposed to her ideas and made many small adjustments in my life, but hearing it all laid out in a naturally progressive manner is very fun and informative and entertaining. Katy reads the audio book herself which is nice since I'm use to her voice from the pod casts she has done and I know the material is being presented as intended by the author. As well as feeling like I am listening to a friend even though we have never met. Go Katy! And thank you to my sister Dee for introducing Katy's ideas to me.

I'm a little out of order, having smooth legs and clean sheets on Saturday instead of Sunday, but it will make for an easier day tomorrow having almost all of my chores done today. The girls ended up going to the coast today, and A let me know she said Hi for me to the beach and ocean. She is such a sweetie, and I love remembering how much fun we had in the sand this past Fall.

To bed and to rest. Katy also mentioned how important it is for times of relaxation in between all the moving we should be doing - and tonight I am tired and looking forward being horizontal.

Breakfast: medium banana, two cuties (tangerines?)
Lunch:  superfood kale salad, large handful of  raw sprouted pepitas, one slice of TJ's sprouted multi-grain bread toasted w\ butter
Snack:  popcorn
Dinner:  last of the kale salad, top ramen

Friday, January 23, 2015

Best. Beans. Ever.

I don't even pretend to myself that I am going to do anything but drive through for breakfast on the way to work. It continues to me a thorn of guilt in my side, and one day I will be over it, but this was not that day.

We were two short in our department at work today, which made for a nice quiet Friday and my being very productive. I had taken the time this morning to throw some leftover salad into a container and as usual ate at work standing up while listening to my audio book. I try to look out as far as I can to stretch my eye muscles at lunch too.

The apple I ate on the way home was so large I was not tempted in the least to stop for anything easy to eat. Once home I immediately settled in the kitchen and started chopping veggies for dinner. I had been thinking about chili and that was my intent when I started, but serendipity lent a hand and instead I ended up with such a rich flavorful mixture that I had no desire to add chili spices or tomatoes. I popped a potato in the microwave to cook thinking it would make a good base, but after licking the spoon off a few more times I decided it was perfect just the way it was. I think it was the combination of the Magic Mushroom mix and the smoked paprika. The sun dried tomatoes were just the perfect finishing touch. I will remember this combination for future recipes.

I was under 230 this morning bringing my total to almost five pounds - success is motivation to continue and I was uber happy to see the 229. Enough gloating, time to watch Elementary and cuddle with Kaylee now that I am full of beans.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  superfood kale salad, large handful of pepitas
Snack:  large Pink Lady apple
Dinner:  Black-eyed peas warmed through with sauteed veggies
Snack: small potato with butter, salt & pepper

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Weigh in, week three

It's been three weeks and this morning I weighed in down 3.4 pounds. At this rate I will be fifty pounds lighter come next New Year's. I can live with that. But I am obviously not following Fuhrman's six week plan. My Bad. I will keep adding veggies and cutting out sugar and stretching in the evenings. A is all over the exercise and loves to participate. I'm still enjoying the benefits of cutting out a large percentage of sugar from my diet; my trigger fingers are still not hitching and I think I'm sleeping better.


The pizza at lunch was NOT a good impulse buy and I've been fairly miserable all evening - even turning down carrot cake from Panera! I just want my insides to settle down so I can relax and go to bed. I did make a healthy dinner and ate it before the grumbling began, and did the dishes just now so the kids will wake up to counter space to build A's lunch in the morning. I love good deeds, they rock.

Time for flannel sheets, snuggle time with Kaylee, to sleep, and perchance to dream.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  big, gooey, slice of pepperoni from Costco
Snack:  orange
Dinner:  large superfood kale salad, potato with sauteed mushrooms

Another Day, a little Drama and Comfort Food

Just realized I never posted yesterday. Quick recap - had a hard conversation at work but otherwise normal day. I did have comfort food for dinner after driving through for an ice cream cone on the way home from work. I can feel the tension building as February fast approaches; almost nine years since we've seen Joey.. I'm going to ask for some time off to go visit my Mom next week. We're due for a visit.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Chopped salad w\ chick peas, cauliflower, cucumber, green onion, pepitas, olive oil dressing & avocado
Snack:  apple, orange, 3pt ice cream cone
Dinner:  whole grain toast with one slice of 'thin' cheddar

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Lunchtime Manicure

Sometimes despite even the most careful planning all of the avocado are ripe at the same time. And I would rather eat too many than waste a single bit, so yesterday's calories might have been a tad bit high. But that's okay when it's real food, or so I rationalize.

Continuing stress at work has me down a little. I am trying to just focus on my work, the task at hand that I apparently need to accomplish on my own, and hopefully the gratification that will come later of a job well done. But frustration does put a dent in my demeanor and I must keep trying to take steps to reduce it.

Today that came in the form of a quick manicure at lunch and I have nails so dark a purple that they are almost black. Perfect. Hopefully this will lift my mood at least a little, and I timed my lunchtime outing so that I will have two hours away from the stress. This is good.

I dropped by Sprouts on the way home to curb the urge to drive through for a quick dinner. I ended up bringing home a premade side dish of potatoes for dinner and I'm not sure that was any better.

A quiet evening, no snacking, and lots of tea to round out the day.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Chopped salad w\ chick peas, cauliflower, cucumber, green onion, pepitas, olive oil dressing & avocado
Snack:  mixed nuts
Dinner:  mashed potatoes and gravy - premade from Sprouts

Monday, January 19, 2015

Monday Monday

Another late start; thinking it was still the wee hours of the morning I went back to sleep this morning and woke up after 7am. Yikes! So glad I had packed my lunch the night before.

I am focusing this week on getting in a full cup of beans or legumes each day at lunch so I am not too hungry driving home after work. It makes for a really filling salad and almost too much for one sitting. Staring at the half a dozen or so peas in the bottom of my salad bowl I just don't want to finish them.

A quiet evening at home while the family went bowling. I tried to putter and get a couple of things done but ended up cuddling with the pooches in front of the boob tube. Monday's can be exhausting, I even forgot to update this and post until the next day at lunch.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Chopped salad w\ chick peas, cauliflower, cucumber, green onion, pepitas, olive oil dressing
Snack:  mixed nuts
Dinner:  cheese sandwich, two toasted corn tortillas with guacamole

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Sunday morning Greens

This morning I woke from fun and interesting dreams, and the resulting good mood is wonderful. I even made a green smoothie for breakfast! It was so delicious I am posting the ingredients so I can come back later and look.

Green Smoothie  - well, more red than green
2 whole Kiwi's less the little nubs at the ends
a rounded quarter cup of frozen blueberries
a small handful of raw pecan halves
a teaspoon of Vivix by Shaklee
a quarter teaspoon of organic cocoa powder
and a cup of crushed frozen spinach

cover with coconut water and blend well

Yesterday I looked back at January 2013 and while it shouldn't have been surprising it was a bit disconcerting to see how similar the postings are to this January two years later. The big difference is the cough. This year I am taking the alphalph complex morning and night for my allergies and using Shaklee's Immunity at the hint of any congestion. These in conjunction with my Orenda products have made the difference in fighting off colds this year and so far no cough. Which for me is great. When at a more reasonable weight the Orenda was enough to keep me healthy, but at 70 pounds overweight I can see as how I needed the extra support to maintain a semblance of health. All injuries aside that is. So I took a moment to express my gratitude, because no matter all the other challenges at least I am not spending months coughing this year.

It's another foggy morning, more conducive to snuggling up than anything else, but I am going to keep moving and puttering and not sucumb to the temptation to hibernate all day today. Maybe just a little.

As it turns out I got a little done, and also hibernated a little. A quiet day, mostly good food choices, and I'm rested and ready for work tomorrow including a salad made and ready to take for tomorrow's lunch.

Breakfast: green smoothie
Lunch: potato soup with goat cheese
Snack:  half of a perfectly ripe avocado and two PB cookies fresh from the overn
Dinner:  chopped salad with walnuts, parmesan cheese, italian dressing, cauliflower, cucumbers & green onions
and finally some popcorn.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Potato Salad - makes two servings
1 russet potato cooked and cubed
1/8 to 1/4C diced red onion to taste
1/2C ea diced cabbage and cauliflower
1/8C raw sprouted pepitas
Mayo to lightly dress tossed veggies, leaving a rather dry finish

Even though it's a foggy cold weekend morning I was not feeling inspired to cook, so I threw together a potato salad full of crunch. Filling and satisfying. I am down to 230, so 3 1/2 pounds total in the past 16 days. Not great, but in the right direction so I'll take it.

Back to watching a morning DVD with the girls and Alice discovering her muchness! Love that movie, and so happy a sequel is in the works, Alice through the Looking Glass.

Errands have been run, the second load of wash is churning away, and Grimm is keeping me company while I putter in my room. So glad to be at home, to be warm, to have A chattering in the background.

Caught a nice pic of Kaylee this afternoon. She loves sitting on top of her crate where she can see out our bedroom window while keeping an eye on me.

Puzzle time with A. More laundry. Some Solitaire. A couple of games of crazy eights and finally a sit down dinner with all four of us together per A's request. I was trying out a Qrunch burger that I had toasted up and it was a light and crunchy addition to my salad and cauliflower. Upon review of the label I once again come across the way labels tend to mislead us. If you do the math, 100/190 = 52.6% of the calories are from fat.  When I plug the numbers into my spreadsheet I get 8% protein (good), 51% fat (at least it's organic coconut oil) and 41% carbohydrates (from veggies and whole grain). So not a total disaster and the flavour was nice. The best part was being able to throw it in the toaster to heat it up and the lovely crispy texture on the outside of the 'burger'. Oh, and 150g of sodium is not bad for a processed food.

A nice day off, and I'm looking forward to another one tomorrow.

Breakfast: Decaf tea and potato salad
Lunch: grilled cheese (sargento thin slice, 1) on nine grain bread with half an avocado
Snack: last of the morning's potato salad with added Kalamata olives
Dinner:  Qrunch burger, tossed salad, cauliflower "rice"

Friday, January 16, 2015

Planning to win

I stayed up this morning instead of turning my back on the world and burrowing back under the covers. I'm clean, a load of dishes is running, and I have time to either make lunch and have soup for dinner or visa versa. I've already had a cup of flax milk with ginger and honey, and a new book is currently loading on  my shuffle - which is why I am here prepping for my daily note, and making plans to make it a good day, one during which I win some battles for a change. Can you say vorpal sword?

Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass

Time for anti-aging serum on my face, toothpaste on my teeth, and a quick blow out to my bangs. Is my improved attitude due to its being Friday? Who knows, but I'll take it!

At work a couple a friend asked if I was okay, that I seemed down. I think it was mental exhaustion playing out on my face. Hopefully this weekend I will get my sleep cycle under control. No big plans, just cleaning out and up the car. Arriving home yesterday every tree around our house was full of robins. Normally they arrive early Spring to eat up the Privet berries; maybe the weather being off kilter has their migration messed up. In any case I have bird droppings all over my poor white car. Lovely. The poop must go.

A bit tired this evening from the early start, but as you know being tired on Friday is very different than being tired on Sunday or a workweek night and I'm okay with it. Perhaps a ginger beer is in order, I never had one the other day when I thought of it and I think my calories may have been light today.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit
Lunch:  Steamed white rice and mixed veggies
Dinner:  zPizza, thin slice with basil, tomato and feta cheese
Desert:  Ice Cream Bar, w\ Caramel

Thursday, January 15, 2015

A Day Missed

Yesterday was rather ordinary I guess, though there were some small awful moments in little increments leading up to a nap after work, too many carbs, and a fit-full sleep. I don't feel rested today, am angry with myself about stupid little things, and wishing I could just let go already.

Trying to get through a day feeling normal is hard work, and it shouldn't be so difficult. Sometimes it makes me really angry, but if I let that feeling grow I am more likely to just throw in the towel and head for my addiction of choice - food.

I have dreams & good thoughts, why don't these translate into action? Why am I so stuck inside myself? For some reason I thought I would grow out of this, but apparently that is not going to happen. I am so deathly tired of trying to analyze and fix and fight.

I just want to be happy, why is that so hard? Maybe that is the ultimate question - not why am I here, but, since I have to be here why can't I at least be happy about it?

And how come my keyboard is so filthy?

I may change the name of this blog to 'Perfecting the art of Whining'.

Later: I seem to have calmed down a little. I think it's the pain driving my craziness right now so I am more determined than ever to up my intake of anti-inflammatory foods and start back on the ibuprofen. I made a pot of ginger tea and have had a couple of large mugs this evening. I'll also keep up the omega 3 intake from flax and chia seeds so it can keep working on my brain. I will get through this rough patch without giving up.

I will get lighter, I will have less pain, I will be happier.

Breakfast: Decaf and a biscuit
Lunch:  cruciferous salad,  chick peas, peppers, cauliflower, pepitas and olive oil dressing
Snack:  green juice with chia seeds, raw carrot
Dinner:  potato soup with goat cheese
Snack: mixed nuts

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Downward spiral or self sabotage?

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions", see food log below.

I have been here before, full of plans and a fridge full of veggies one day and a stomach full of crap the next. Both R and I have been emotional this week, don't know why for sure, but we both have lots on our minds.

I will not despair, I will persevere and do well tomorrow, starting right now. I should probably start my six weeks over but I know myself well enough to guess that I could restart them a hundred times and never finish so I will just keep going as intended.

What a slippery slope mental illness is! At least that is how it feels sometimes, that something is not quite right upstairs. You know, just smart enough to know you are not as smart as you could\should be?

Time to decompress and stretch and maybe have a Crabbies.

Breakfast: I grabbed green juice with Chia Seeds on my way out the door but drove through for a Decaf and biscuit
Lunch:  packed a cruciferous salad, poppy seed dressing, chick peas but had a polish dog at Costco
Snack: mixed nuts, small apple
Dinner: intended to have the salad I didn't eat for lunch but had toast and eggs over easy instead

Monday, January 12, 2015

Pizza, friend or foe?

Snuck on the scale this morning and I was down a little more. I was worried after the pizza last night, but looking back on my meals I was probably still within a reasonable calorie range. While I am working at removing myself from the emotional impact of a number, I was still glad it was a smaller one and I remain motivated to eat well this week. I know others will be semi-starving themselves with soy based pre made meals in order to lose weight this January, but I am not in competition with them, I am trying to turn my life around. Trying to treat myself and my body better, trying to fit into a smaller size! I am not trying to win a competition but striving to show that eating for nutrition can work miracles.

Eating the pizza last night was stress meeting circumstance. The trip to the emergency vet and the traumatic events that triggered it left me in a weakened state mentally, and getting home to find pizza on the stove was beyond my rationale thought processes. Having had a super light calorie dinner that I never really finished due to said trip I am not feeling bad about it at all.

Off to greet the Monday traffic and check in later. Feeling rather stable this morning, in new leggings and clean Wen hair.

"I'm down 8 lbs!", this from the office friend\co-worker who joined Jenny Craig and had weighed in this morning after her first week on their program. This is why it's sometimes mentally difficult to take the healthier slower path. How can I compare to that, and of course I can't won't and don't want to. I want healthy food full of nutrition with a few splurges thrown in like my sandwich for lunch today. And pizza last night, but that was extenuating circumstances. STOP. I am here to get my life in order, not rationalize bad behavior. I didn't eat enough breakfast so I was starving at lunch and while I intended to get a salad I 'found myself' at the deli counter ordering the sandwich. What a baby I am. An almost sixty year old baby. Wah.

Hit a rough patch this evening. A asked when we were going to see Papa H and I had to explain that we hadn't spoken in a while, and that we had dissolved our relationship. She lay in my lap sobbing, the poor thing, and it broke my heart. I know we will both recover, it's just so sad. And before she headed off to bed one of the puggles had made her laugh. She gave me an extra strong hug and kiss before turning in for the night; kids seem so resilient but I worry. May we all have sweet dreams.

Breakfast: green juice with Chia Seeds, banana
Lunch:  BLT from Sprouts
Snack: mixed nuts, raw carrot
Dinner:  homemade potato soup,  odds n ends

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Emergency Vet

The electric kettle is heating up tea water, and Kaylee is lounging on the bed behind me as I type. But an hour ago we were in a small waiting room listening to a Dr. explain what may or may not be the reasons behind her apparent seizure. Stressful. I had gone cold as she shook uncontrollably in my arms, dreading the worst. My golden lab True had died in exactly this way when she was seven years old, and Kaylee had turned seven in October. This could not be happening. But Kaylee is fine and as I step back to hug and pet and kiss her she wags her tail and gives me a quick little lick on my cheek.

I am to treat her for fleas, bomb the house, and vacuum every day. I am also to keep an eye on her and call immediately if there are any further signs of trouble. Tonight I am ever so grateful to have my little dog still with me, and I am sure all the extra little attentions over the next few weeks will let her know that.

Words help destress me I guess, and I had to express my anxiety somewhere, so I am grateful for my hands, my computer, my eyesight and so much more this evening. God I hate manic mooshiness.

It's all good.

Balance; splurges, energy and mood

This morning my mind was on bacon; don't judge it happens to most of us. I knew there were four pieces left in the fridge because I had purchased them last week for the Monday night dinner that A and I made for the Fam. (them, not me) so R could go grocery shopping after work.  There is also a ripe tomato and wheat bread so I am thinking BLT for breakfast. This would be perfect as they have plans to go out and there isn't really enough bacon to share around and we are ALL bacon hounds. But it's more salt and fat than I want to ingest so I will need to juice my other meals to balance out the splurge. This is a must for me, I know from past experience that I need to keep each day in balance. If I try to make up for it during the week it will likely never happen.

My plan for natural movement today is to get out of the house and go somewhere my eyes can feast. I spent a lot of time yesterday on chores and only left the house to make trips to the garage and back. I need more outside time and am determined to get it. Weird that I should have to force myself to do something I love, and miss, and crave. But that is the nature of what I can only describe as mild depression. I have lived my whole life this way, battling between my inclinations of hermit and nature walker. I hate to bring up H, but him bringing archery into my life was incredible; most archery tournaments are in State Parks and I relished all the green and fresh air and beautiful vistas. Why this isn't enough motivation on it's own to regain my health and fitness so I can once again participate I can only ascribe once again to the blanket that covers me most days to dampen any sort of ambition that may lurk inside my thick skull.

Where to go; water, ocean, delta, mountain - they are all within driving distance and thanks to Mom's christmas check gas money is not the deterrent it might normally be. Maybe I should take my bow to the archery range and just fling some arrows. Maybe. We'll see.

ARGHHHH. First McD's for Decaf to stave off the burgeoning headache, then to Walmart for some more big clothes. Not that I intend for them to fit for long, but I need more comfortable choices so I am not frozen in the morning and feel like I can just get dressed like a normal person and go out into the world.  THEN on the way home the wrong song came on and I realized I was bordering on Mania (shopping spree, positive attitude, energy) and that a visit to the bottom would soon follow. I have a love hate relationship with feeling alone. Is it because there is no 'mirror' to gauge myself by? That's so ridiculous. I need to keep moving today and not dwell or let regrets pile up and especially I don't need to send a pity party text! That's even worse than drinking and dialing and I won't do it. I'm not willing to know that door is nailed shut nor do I wish to open it. Blathering aside, I need to DO something so that I will quit thinking. Move move move move move....and a deep breath.

I was able to focus my energy on cleaning out the fridge to make room for fresh veggies, go out for groceries with A, make a batch of fresh juice, and potato soup. I divided the juice into four jars and added a tablespoon of Chia seeds to each one for later consumption. The recipe for the soup is below because it is wonderful. If you like artichokes. Because that is what sun chokes taste like to me.

Watching 'The Other Woman' helped as I laughed out loud so often, great little chick flick. I'm still worried about the rebound but I'm focusing on the even keel I've experience this past month and thinking positive thoughts that it continues. And popping ibuprofen for the aches so the pain won't get me down.

Omega 3's, plants, exercise, productivity, laughter - all my best defenses have been deployed. I am hopeful. Despite it's being only 4ish and I've already had dinner.  Better plan on drinking one of the juices later for a snack at seven. And hydrate - more water, I forgot that.

Breakfast: Homemade BLT
Lunch:  green juice
Dinner:  homemade potato soup, coconut water
2nd Dinner:  slice of cheese pizza

Green Juice: green apple, bok choy, lemon, ginger, cucumber, carrot, coconut water

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Weekend Hash

This morning the smell of my daughter's weekend hash inspired me to make one of my own. If you haven't ever sauteed bok choy greens with potatoes instead of green peppers in the classic Potatoes O'Brian dish then you are missing out and definitely need to try it sometime. Delish!

After breakfast the morning was filled with load after load of laundry including all the christmas throws that were to be packed away for another year, both mine and Kaylee's bedding, and my clothes for the week. A rotation of dishes from machine to cupboard and counter to machine had me heading for the ibuprofen and a rest. But first I had to pack away my share of the holiday decorations and help restore order to the living quarters.

We, mostly A and I with R sitting in for a bit, watched The Little Princess while snacking on popcorn and nuts and sitting down for the aforementioned much needed rest before I finished up packing away my share of the holiday and putting them to bed for the year. I am so grateful that R had the heavy lifting this year in getting the house both decorated and put away; my small part was enough to exhaust me.

Now I need to bathe Kaylee so she is clean going into her clean bed tonight, then I will do the same for myself. Nothing like freshly shaven legs sliding in between clean sheets. Speaking of sheets, I finally broke down and ordered a couple of flannel bottom sheets; it's too cold to switch to cotton yet and I'm no longer in the mood for my wee scottie christmas sheets. Heather grey and cocoa fitted bottoms are on their way!

All in all a productive day of natural movement! I remembered to NOT use my traps to do everything and kept my chin and ribs in what I hope was an approximation of good alignment. It's only five in the afternoon, and while I would to be able to indulge in a drink and a good book neither of those are going to happen. So maybe a little audio book and solitaire before the baths and dinner. Ugh. Dinner, I wonder what is in the freezer!

Breakfast: hash of potatoes, red onion, bok choy greens, pasilla pepper, magic mushroom mix
Lunch:  I ate a large breakfast
Snack: popcorn, mixed nuts, small apple
Dinner: Tater Tots, organic, with a tiny bit of mustard and organic catsup

Friday, January 9, 2015

One good decision at a time

The day breezed by interspersed with a few unsightly glimpses of myself in the darkened windows I pass each day in the breezeway at work. I had on some particularly frumpy leggings; sort of an imitation brushed corduroy that are a bit saggy but comfortable for sitting in long stretches of time. But they are also extremely unflattering to say the least. It's amazing how long I have tolerated feeling this way, large, bloated and bouncy. I wonder what has been going on upstairs that I have been able to put a wall between this feeling and doing something about it. I'm not on Lithium, I swear.

Part of the answer is to stay calm and work on making good choices. For example, still struggling with my current sleep patterns (or lack thereof) I failed again to get lunch made before heading to work this morning. So when I started getting hungry I headed down to Sprouts with many ideas stacking up in my brain.

     It's Friday, maybe this should be a 'free' day and I'll get a Deli sandwich.
     Yesterday was a good weigh-in, I could treat myself to something yummy.
     I'm a little tired, and a salad kit sounds tedious anyway.

I do make myself crazy sometimes. I ended up with an Amy's entree and a can of black olives. And coconut water that was on sale. All in all I feel pretty good about lunch considering what might have happened. Go me. I know, enough with the cheerleading already - but if not me, then who? This is not pity, this is reality.

Christmas will disappear from the house this coming weekend, and hopefully that will help keep me on my feet and productive. My hip has been bothering me since the walk at work yesterday; that's what I get for trying to keep up with the girls. God I am meandering. Time to settle down, play a game of solitaire to unwind and enjoy a cup of ginger tea.
Breakfast: Decaf and biscuit
Lunch: Amy's enchiladas, black olives
Snack: Mixed nuts, one tangerine, one orange
Dinner: Banana, popcorn, cherries...I may not be done, but it's after 7 so I will try

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Week One weigh in - yet again

Here it is, week one of cutting back sugar and increasing veggies. I'm aiming for one percent each week and almost made it. I'm still weighing in winter PJ's so my highest weight is off by at least half a pound and maybe  more (flannels) but I'm sticking to what I see.

The important part is that I already feel better. My trigger finger & thumb are loosening up after the injections, my hips hurt a little less, as does my heel.

Busy day after a looooong commute this morning; a big rig accident stretched my commute from 45 minutes to almost 2 hours. And I didn't have tea or coffee with me, just warmed up flax milk and a couple of skinned Kiwi fruits. Kudos to me for passing up three different opportunities to drive through and get breakfast. Luckily the drive home was an easy half an hour.

Trash cans are out front and mostly ready for the curb, I've already eaten, and I plan on doing not much this evening. A is at the big table finishing up the week's homework, and I'll join her as soon as I'm into my slouchy clothes.

No more screen time tonight!

Breakfast: fruit and flax milk
Lunch: chopped salad with chick peas, pepitas, cauliflower and peppers with an olive oil balsamic dressing
Dinner: veggie burger with all the trimmings

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Work Support

Another co-worker jumped on board today and suggested we all walk each morning at eleven. Just a quick five minute walk out and then back to spend our break walking and sharing what we are each doing. Hopefully there will always be at least a few who want to go, and I am going to try to be one of them. My heel should be able to withstand ten minutes, but we will see.

Another late start this morning after being up for hours in the middle of the night and then oversleeping. But despite that I had a productive day at work, and left for lunch to pick up a hot bowl from Fresh Millions since I didn't have time to pack anything.

One last thing; my hand is much improved today and I am very glad about that.

Breakfast: small decaf and a muffin
Lunch: hot bowl with rice & beans, zucchini, red onion & mushrooms
Dinner: potato with spinach dip tossed in and fresh ground pepper
Dessert: one piece of dark chocolate

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Stress eating strikes again

The doctor talked to me about surgery after injecting both my trigger finger and thumb. Apparently the problem has advanced significantly and she isn't confident the steroids will help my trigger digits, but she is still hopeful. I am too, because as bad as she thinks it is, she doesn't see the vast improvement from a week ago before I started focusing on eating plants and lowering inflammation. Not that you could prove that by today. Depressed after the visit I stopped at Nations and ordered a BLT. In my defense it could have been worse. I said no to fries & a soda, no to pie, and no to extra bacon. But it could have been better, I forgot to say 'hold the mayo.' At least I skipped the sugar.

The injections into my hand were...stressful. You can feel the cortisone filling up the channel that the tendon runs through and it feels like your digit is going to explode. But hopefully my movement will recover significantly as it did last time, and in conjunction with anti-inflammatory eating will mend completely. Thereby avoiding surgery. That is my hope and my plan.

I took a nap upon returning home, then picked A up from daycare and hit the library on the way home. Yesterday was so awesome, she read a Pete the Cat book to me needing help with only a few words and prompts. She is learning so quickly now, and has begun an online typing course because she wants to write like me! Did I already mention that yesterday? CRS!

Anyway, I have been invited to another game of Monopoly Jr. and so off I go.

Breakfast:  fasted, had blood work done, had a blueberry whole grain flax meal muffin at work
Lunch: BLT
Dinner: Salad, raw sprouted pepitas, avocado, parmesan, tomatoes, red onion, italian dressing

Monday, January 5, 2015

Monday's Moon

Today began with a rather long pause at the stop sign just down from the house. The moon was...amazing. Bracketed by dark trees and the morning haze adding a touch of colour to the otherwise golden light it was breathtaking. And I had to just sit there and gaze longingly, as if it were an invitation to adventure instead of a companion for my commute to work. Once on the freeway, and only the foothills to lend a frame it was still a great diversion and I watched as it began to set, dwindling down to a small rectangle of light, the top cut off by clouds and the bottom sinking behind the dark slope of a hill. And then it was gone, and the day was begun.

A busy day for Accounting; the first Monday of a New Year and so much to organize and so many details to manage. One marzipan chocolate for a ten o'clock treat and no others.  I can feel my body responding in several ways to my days without so much sugar. I am sleeping better, I ache less everywhere, I am not limping so much, and my trigger fingers are more flexible than they have been for the past few weeks. Five days of reducing sugar and increasing fruits and greens and such a difference. This is great, needless to say and yet I have to spout off about it.

Alanna and I had a great evening, first preparing dinner together and then her reading to me and ending up with a game of Monopoly Jr. and finally her in the tub with shampoo in her hair. Lots of moving around and staying engaged and feeling useful. A nice end to a busy day.

I think writing everyday is helping my attitude. I can't remember a recent dip that last more than a day, nor have I been manic. It's nice feeling steady, I could get used to this.

Time for Gotham (I will not think of H other than this slight mention) and tea and a snuggle with Kaylee.

I don't want to talk about food. I'm sure the calories were okay, but I skipped my salad. I have one ready for tomorrow in the fridge. One the positive side, my soup had three of the top six nutritious foods in it! Beans, mushrooms and onions. On the negative side I ate fast food twice. Ugh.

Breakfast: Small Decaf and a sausage muffin
Lunch:  Homemade leftover bean soup from last night
Dinner: 2 tacos from JITB, small orange, graham cracker with munster cheese

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Visiting 2008

I wanted to look back through my blog to check in on when I began eating for nutrition, and it was 2008. That was a good year, beginning my trek into nutrition, the birth of my granddaughter, and training for the Senior Games in archery. ( I went on to win Gold in my age\class in 2009). I also challenged myself to ride  my bike more and did my first six weeks of Fuhrman.

Back then it was all about tracking, and looking through 2008 there are pics of food and tracking sheets alike peppering the pages. There is also a lot of pain and memories, and a record of learning how to feed myself so that I felt good. So 2007 - 2010 I lost 50 pounds, then spent 2011 - 2014 gaining it all back plus a couple more - because that's how it usually works. I am tempted to track these next six weeks and compare to the 2008 record. I know so much more now, and there will be less trial and error. If I do I'll come back and post it later. ...and the crazy set in...but how I would love to see these numbers on the scale one more time on the way past them going down. 

New Year's Day I was 233.8, and this morning 232.2. I want to think of these numbers as disgraceful, but instead I note them for what they are. A transitory measurement of my body, and nothing to do with any wonderfulness I hold inside.


I felt the need to list the important elements of how I know I should be eating, and reinforce my axioms of eating for nutrition.

Michael Pollan:   Eat food, not too much, mostly plants

Dr. Fuhrman:   Eat a pound each of raw and cooked veggies a day, 2 or 3 oz of healthy fat, at least a cup of beans and three fruits. Eat from the top of the list of nutritionally dense foods. Use G-Bombs as a daily reminder when preparing meals. (Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries and Seeds)

Common Sense:  Stay away from processed foods, which thereby eliminates artificial sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup, all other added sugars, high sodium intake, and a weird assortment of chemicals, 'food products' and GMO crops. Buy organic whenever reasonable because, again, GMO's are everywhere and I have enough challenges without subjecting my body to more foreign substances.

HYDRATE: We are "ugly bags of walking water" Star Trek, and need to replenish our water often for optimum health.

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE: Look for health, do not despair over denial. Think about eating healthy instead of fighting about crap you are not eating.

Losing weight, Gaining perspective

It's a beginning. I have this compulsion to weigh when I feel lighter, and someday I will toss the scale. Probable when it breaks. But in the meantime I did step on this morning and I am down a pound and a half. I reminded myself to think of a box of butter, and to visualize six sticks of my fat being gone. It's enough for a positive mindset this morning.

Yesterday was good, I kept on my feet and moving most of the day puttering at this and that and playing solitaire at my standing workstation. And being a living jungle gym for A is great for core strength.Whether balancing her on my lap or swinging her around it is always a challenge in my current state of affairs. And good for me. And her. I love her so much.

Which is why yesterday was also scary and frustrating and eye opening. She had been with her mother to buy new shoes for running club at school. Two days a week they show up early and run laps, earning small feet to hang on a necklace; it's great for energetic kids like A so that they are ready to settle down in class. Heck, it's great for anyone, and a way to counter the time spent on the Wii and iPads and computers. I digress. She asked me if I wanted to come watch her run around the court so I slipped on my crocs and followed her out into the crisp winter air. (It's California, anything under 60 is crisp. It was 39. I had wool socks on.) She began her lap while I watched and then at the end of the court all of a sudden she was down. Her foot slipped off the curb and she landed hard on her left knee. And I couldn't run to gather her up. I hobbled as fast as I could towards her and once she raised her head up I called out, "It's okay, take it slow, make sure everything works before you get up!" It was agony trying to get to her and watching her struggle to get up. Finally reaching her she was up and limping towards me, fighting back the tears. So brave. Her knee was banged up and entering the house I called for her mother to look at it. While her leggings hadn't torn, the skin beneath them had and there was swelling too. Mom took care of the skin while I put together an ice bag, pounding the ice and wrapping it in a tea towel. We got her situated while I explained about treating injuries with RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation.) Such a good girl, she sat the requested ten minutes with the ice pack and then she was up to play. Another ten minutes of ice half an hour later and I quit fussing over her.

I always 'knew' I wasn't going to be a typical old person. I was going to shoot my bow forever, I was going to be the 'young grama' and stay active and travel the states shooting tournaments in my retirement. What the hell happened, that's what I want to know. Well, life happened; god laughing at our plans and all that. In a nutshell, letting myself go. Life happened and I gave up. Simple as that. Grief manifests itself in different ways; I have asked before, why couldn't I be someone who withers away to nothing instead of growing to the size of a mountain? I think now it's about survival, the body expanded while the mind withered. In the years I was losing steadily and feeling great I would tell myself I was getting my body ready for when my mind was ready to start living again. Again, what happened? Again, life happened.

I have no excuses now, no devastating reasons to explain my lack of caring. Instead I have a reason to be healthy and active and she is her to hug and kiss me everyday as a reminder of that fact.

Focus on the positive, be grateful for the blessings no matter how small or how overwhelmingly large. I need to be myself, and currently I am not that. I am an athlete, not an invalid, and I want me back. Not for anyone else, but for how I feel inside, and what I need to do and be for happiness to be mine again. And I was not happy stuck in this current physical version of myself instead of being able to run and help someone I love. I need me back.

Breakfast: one orange, one banana, 2T peanut butter
Lunch:  chopped salad, chick pea mix left over from yesterday
Dinner:  homemade potato and chickpea soup with carrots and caramelized onions
Dessert: One piece of chocolate

Saturday, January 3, 2015

What is breakfast

Breakfast is exactly what it describes, the first food you eat to break your fast from sleeping. Well, hopefully sleeping, that doesn't always happen, but also hopefully you haven't been up eating all night and have fasted so your immune system can get maintenance done on your body. And by you I of course mean me. Anyway, fruit is the easiest food for our bodies to assimilate after a fast, so that is Fuhrman's choice for the six week program and will be mine on most days. But weekends, and by extension weekend breakfasts, I think we will all agree, are a little different and even special.

This morning R was making chicken salad to break her fast and I was inspired to make a chick pea salad; same 'other' ingredients, different main protein. (I had already had my lemon water.)

Breakfast: smashed chick peas, chopped bok choy, green & white onion, apple and slivered almonds. Plus a little garlic powder, salt, freshly ground pepper and Mayo.

I don't plan on buying more Mayo once the jar is gone, and only use it sparingly when there are lots of vegetables involved. I may succumb to having it on hand but that doesn't mean I have to use it every day or even every week. It's about balance and choices and being accountable if I want to move better, breathe easier, reduce inflammation in my hands, feet and hips and get pain free. Which I do want. Every day. Very much.

And I think these are the right reasons for wanting a healthier vehicle to move around my brain, my soul, my spirit. Wearing cute jeans is always desirable, but as Sean reminded me in his blog today we cannot measure our worth by our size. We cannot let our size dictate how we feel about who we really are aside from our physical bodies. Over the years I think many of us confuse the two and let them become intermingled. I think his words from the linked entry are note worthy and I bookmarked them so I can read them again later today if I feel weak or tempted or sidetracked. While our bodies ARE what we eat, if we eat badly does it diminish are best characteristics on the inside? I think the point is that it doesn't, or shouldn't. Even now I am rationalizing his intention because it's so hard for me to divorce my 'true' self from my outer layers of fat and bad choices.

There is a small glowing particle of confidence inside of me that knows I am wonderful. That I am kind and helpful, that I respect my work and try to do a good job always, that I am dependable. My job is to grow this glowing bit into an ember, and then a campfire, and then to let go and just light the forest that is myself on fire with all the goodness that is me.

I used to play the Pollyanna game all the time, which I have written before, and I still do. But I need to play it with myself, and spend more time finding my own good bits and pieces to celebrate. Which brings me back full circle to Meditation and how badly I need to focus on that missing piece. I wonder how many years it has been since I first decided that, and how badly I judge myself for not following through. See - there it is again. Reminder to self: all the other good bits are still there, a flaw does not diminish them. I am more than just the negative parts, and I need to get over myself and out of this damn pity pool.

And isn't it interesting that I see myself as fragments. And wet. Sigh.

Lunch: last of veggie soup
Dinner: Chipotle burrito bowl - no cheese, meat or sour cream

Friday, January 2, 2015

A good start

The dishes are done, my bed made, and A is full of the freshly cinnamoned apples I sliced, spiced and heated up for her breakfast. I am clean and almost dressed to go out. But while the weather underground predicts a high of 54 today, currently it is only 39 and I am not encouraged by this to leave the house. I did pop out briefly to visit the green waste and recycling carts but it was so bright I had to cover my eyes and slink back inside quickly. Too many days inside makes the outdoors a bit startling.

Breakfast: coconut water, water and then a banana.

My thermos is full of hot lemon water and that will be my next drink, but first a break to write and read and self motivate. Today I will log my food and take time to be sure it is what I want and not what is handy. Which brings to mind a favorite quote.

“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.      -Albus Dumbledore”   ― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I am tired of choosing what is easy, as I have been many times before, I can only hope that this time once I lose the weight I will catch myself before I relapse. Last time making healthy choices lasted three years and I lost fifty pounds. I felt strong and confident and full of energy. I look forward to feeling all of those things again. The basis of this type of eating is that every decision counts, even if just a little, and this is something of which I have to constantly remind myself. So I will. Here. Often. Until my old healthy habits are firmly established anew.

Lunch: homemade gluten free biscuit & bowl of left over homemade veggie soup of potatoes, carrots & bok choy.

Dinner: green salad, oil & vinegar dressing, bit of grated parm, sliced young peppers (red, yellow, orange), green onions, handful of sliced almonds and thinly sliced brussels sprouts.

And One two  three slices of pepperoni pizza. Not on the agenda but A was an angel all day and wanted to use the ipad to order pizza. Not thinking ahead I said no, it's too expensive. Besides you need to clear that with your Mother. The next thing I know she is asking me how to spell 'could' and 'pizza' as she prepares a text to said Mother. At some level I must have wanted this to happen, and I am not upset about it. I have never been an all or nothing type of person. I'm a take it as it comes type of girl. Maybe this is a problem, and maybe not. As I have mentioned several times over the years since reading Eat Pray Love there is no control group for a human life. Except in movies. And my calorie count is comparatively low today. Wouldn't want to shock the system too much.

One of my guidelines is no eating after 7, and I am looking forward to feeling light when I go to bed knowing my immune system will be able to do a better job. And my lack of sugar today was stellar. Lots of improvements over yesterday, "and I'm feeling good".

Thursday, January 1, 2015

"worst day ever"

This has become a common refrain around our house, hand in hand with "best day ever" as proclaimed with sincerity from the wise lips of a six year old. The comments may stem from a lost game of Go Fish or snuggling in to watch a movie together. Dramatic, everything has become dramatic. But it's in small doses and we laugh. But truly, today ended up being a typical New Year's Day of eating up all the left over snacks in preparation of beginning a new healthier year and I am proclaiming it the 'worst eating day ever'. Chips and chocolate, baguette and spinach dip, tamales. There goes the vegetarian year I planned, and I didn't even want the meat, but the tamales were there and easy to reheat and I ate them. Mindless, without consideration given to either myself or to some poor beast. Pathetic. And I am paying the piper; swollen, irritable, tired, stiff, grumpy (a different shade of irritable) and basically disgusted. I would like to do over this day and start with juicing instead of...god I don't even know what I ate first today. Mindless indeed.

The good news is that I can make tomorrow in the 'best' category, and need to quit whining about today. Let the water flow and the stretching begin. I have three days off work to take the time to clean out the fridge, do some juicing, and catch up on some motivational you tube clips. Hopefully I will even get out on the bike tomorrow. Just a short intro ride down to the pond and back. A start, a statement of good faith.

In the meantime I am still in my PJ bottoms, having never finished getting dressed this morning. Ah, the art of being lazy is not for beginners, and I have much experience under my belt. Rolls of it. Literally. I know when stretchy pajama bottoms are in order.

Night sweet world. I look forward to impressing you with a much improved attitude tomorrow.