Orenda CleanBurnShape: 19/30 or 60/100 or 1/40, 1/11 or 1/1

Sins of the Self, Deprivation & Overindulgence; or, I weary of the battle.

There was no battle yesterday, even though I didn't follow the CBS plan as outlined. I did take two Burn, but no Shape Shake. The day went just as planned, having a small popcorn at the movies, then a wonderful taco salad for dinner. And while the sour cream and crumbled tortilla chips were a little sinful, it was just a little bit and totally worth it. I had eaten a nectarine on the drive up to Lodi in the morning, and we had small bowls of MooseTracks ice cream for dessert. Oh, and a couple of drinks thrown in for good measure. A bottle of Angry Orchard hard cider (YUM) and then later a coke and cherry moonshine cocktail - so delicious I had two. Yikes, so when I add it all up a little more sinful than anticipated. We enjoyed the movie, then headed back to lounge in the air conditioning until dinner. Even though it was still warm at twilight we headed out on a walk into the vineyard that is behind his backyard. So fun to see the little green grapes in their bunches on the vines. And a good workout trekking on the soft dirt and uneven terrain.

I put some peanuts out for all the bluejays that were up in the pine tree outside the kitchen window and came away with pitch covered feet. Future reference - lemon oil works very well for cleaning it off and leaves a lovely smell!

I am back home early this morning; he has a Nascar race to watch and it's going to be 108 up there today. I have chores here and it's good to be home. But each time I go up I feel more at home there; it's really rather nice.

Back to my original thought - which came to me while driving yesterday - I am anxious to get back to where I was a couple of years ago when I had more balance in my eating regimen. Running smoothly in that mindset where about 80% is eating for nutrition and 10% splurging on treats (bread, butter, cheese) and the last 10% somewhere in the grips of the pleasure trap of oil, sugar and salt. (The rare potato chip or ice cream.) And when I spout percentages I think it's more about mental fences than calories. A 300 calorie pack of potato chips will never be 10% of my daily calories, but it can be a nice little splurge in an otherwise healthy week. Bottom line, splurging enough to keep out of the deprivation zone and never feel the need to overindulge. That's where I want to be again, where I will be. It felt good there.  One of the reasons I am loving this CBS program is that is fits in with my ideas of what makes sense nutritionally, and supports a continuing healthy lifestyle.

I have come away from my latest visit with H determined to be in better shape and shooting my bow this Autumn. I will need to continue to lose weight and work on my strength for this to happen. I need to move more in conjunction with the CBS plan, and I still think Yoga would be good for this. In light of this I added all the numbers in the post title, because I think I do better with more short term goals linked together; I seem to have lost focus thinking about long term results. And speaking as a food addict, really I need to look at this one day at a time for a bit. Or even shorter terms than that. I had eggs, hash browns and sausage for breakfast with H this morning (small portions of each after my Burn) but that does not mean I will be off plan the rest of the day. I will have my Shape shake for lunch and a veggies for dinner and lentils for my lean protein. There are ripe nectarines to be eaten too, and will make a wonderful dessert tonight.

Once I am up from blathering away all my good intentions here I will get up and move move move - the least secret and most important part of any weight loss program in my humble opinion. Because it is about a lifelong habit of living healthy - and I have remembered why I want that, why I use my OTropin every day, why I originally began eating for nutrition. There are things I love to do, and the next forty years could be the best of my life if I take care of myself. So I will.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 18/30 or 59/100

My morning ablutions are not normally so exhausting, but this is a 'date' day and I sit here with a biore strip on my nose, clean wet hair, smooth legs and soft heels. There are still creams and lotions to apply, bangs to blow straight, and a few stray eyebrow hairs to pluck. Getting old is hell! To think of the time I spent on these beauty routines over the years is nothing compared to most of my friends and acquaintances - how on earth do they do it? I have just taken my daily AIO and Burn and expect my energy to show up any minute;  normally I would have taken them before jumping in the shower but yes, I was thinking ahead to how I want to feel 'between the sheets' later on today.

It's not an 'Off' day on the CBS plan, but I envision popcorn at the movies (Star Trek!) for lunch (small bag, no oil or added salt flavourings.) I'll take my burn first, and we have a healthy taco salad planned later back at his home for dinner. Also hopefully a walk (read that as a slooooow stroll) in 100 degree weather to the river that runs along the back of the property if I can talk H and myself into it. The road to said river runs between burgeoning grape fields and I have been thinking of how wonderful it will be to check out a working vineyard first hand. I think I have already asked to be invited up when the harvesting begins.

One of my five wayward pounds is gone, and my mental health up another notch this morning. I know the other miscreant four will disappear quickly as I re-detox from the junk I indulged in the last couple of weeks. Well, indulged is the wrong word - I don't think I actually enjoyed any of it - except the cashews and blue cheese! Stress eating isn't about the food, it's about calming the mind and pushing aside stressful thoughts. I should be using Yoga for that, not food; something I have known for years but can't seem to get started. I feel ready now - where's my teacher? Aren't they suppose to appear? Or is that only true with the spiritual side...oh well.

So a fun weekend planned, today up with H and then home Sunday to putter around the house and swim with the girls. On product, on my feet, and away from the computer for at least 24 of those hours. I love thinking about the little house I will wake up in tomorrow morning, and I love this little house I woke up in today; time to make some tea, head out to the patio and feel some gratitude.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 17/30 or 58/100

Yesterday's Summer Salad Potluck was a great success; everyone seemed to love what I prepared, especially the Raspberry and garlic dressings. Most were surprised by the sprouted garbanzos, both by how easy it is to sprout them and how delicious they are, so it was nice to be able to introduce something new to them. It was a fun gathering, and as I hoped someone had roasted beets to bring. D made 'crack rolls' - OMG, everything we shouldn't have in one bite. Crazy.

Snacked on raw cashews on the way home, guess I should have put them in the way back of the car. But I walked over to get A and once R was home we did chores then took all three doggies for a walk; one dog each it was very nice. We went all the way to the dog park where we met several little cutie pies (and their owners) for the dogs to romp with - although by the time Kaylee began to warm up to the idea of being friendly it was almost 8:30 and time to head home. My only regret was not trimming my toe nails before heading out and my big toe is a little sore this morning. Considering my chest barely aches I am counting my toe pain as insignificant!  It was fun going for a family walk and we plan to do more of that now that the days are longer.

There is salad leftover in the fridge for an easy dinner...and having said that I remember that yesterday was suppose to be a clean day and I am switching with today. The salad potluck was planned in January, before I knew about the CBS plan, and since I was the instigator I didn't want to miss it.  So off to the kitchen to mix up my clean for breakfast and lunch today - I love these days and sometimes wish they were twice a week instead of once.

TGIF - I dream of the day Friday is once again just another day like any other. But for now it is the day us nine to fivers live for at work - sad but true.  And tomorrow is my trip up to Lodi for dinner and a movie or two; I'm not going to second guess anything or look at the future, I'm just following my feelings and living in the day, and tomorrow I want to be there so I'm going. That simple. I will admit that knowing H apparently also wants me to be there is very enticing, but I think we are both in the same place about this new friendship we have, so it's all good. And that is a sincere hope.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 16/30 or 57/100

Summer Salad Potluck! Back in January when one of the office boys was hanging up new calendars I noticed he was also placing stickers over the holidays. There was a sticker for 'Party' and in a moment of inspiration I said - put that on the first thursday of Summer and we'll have a potluck. This was me trying to participate, trying to assimilate into the pack. And now the day has arrived!

Last night I made five dressings, and using assorted jars filled and labeled them thusly: (ACV = Apple Cider Vineger, EVOO - olive oil)

Orange, Walnut ACV, Date		Raspberry, Pecan ACV		Peach, Sunflower, Date, Ginger, Rice Vinegar		Garlic, EVOO Red Wine Vinegar, Salt
Pepitas, Cilantro Lemon,  Rice Vinegar

This morning I will slice up a big bunch of scallions, and toss a huge bowl of assorted greens including but not limited to pea shoots, micro greens, spring greens, baby spinach, romaine leaves and cilantro. (There are also shredded cabbage and carrots to add some crunch and colour.) At work I have a container of garbanzo beans I set to sprouting earlier in the week, and the invitation I sent out to everyone let them know this was a BYOM(meat) event since many of them are following the 'Paleo' diet. I asked everyone to also bring something they could share, suggesting things like artichoke hearts, beets and avocados. I know someone is bringing tomatoes from their garden and making croutons (yum) while someone else is making a pesto salad.  I am taking my NutriBullet and an assortment of nuts, fruits and vinegars in case someone wants to create their own dressing. I have stocked up on plates, bowls and forks for the occasion and they are packed waiting by the front door.

Have I forgotten anything? I hope not. In any case I expect we will have a fun lunch, especially since the two out on Maternity leave are coming with their babies - how I love a little cooing and cuddling; medicine for the soul.

And now to my last minute chores in the kitchen. Thank heavens tomorrow is Friday, this has been an exhausting week. And then to see Star Trek with H on Saturday; we are making taco salads for dinner and hopefully there will be leftovers from today. If not I have a new Kale salad I want to make - that's right, there is kale in the mix above too!

Off and at 'em!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 55/100

Good heavens, where have the last three days gone! Sucked up into a vortex of words is where; I've been playing Words of Wonder, passing level after mindless level, and I've just realized it's to disappear.  It's hard to accept I have fallen back into depressive habits, but recognizing it is half the battle to crawling back out of the trenches and away from the blasted computer.

Beginning tomorrow I will add flax meal back into  my daily regimen, either on my morning fruit or in my smoothie at lunch - my brain needs the additional omega 3's! I will also stop the morning decaf - as much as I crave the comfort of it to get through the morning's commute, it is definitely disrupting my sleep.  There is stress at both work and home right now, so I have booked myself a little vacation time. First with H this Saturday and then at the massage parlour Saturday next. That should help somewhat, and give me something (or things) positive to focus on.

On the bright side Kaylee, A and I took a walk down to the pond and back today after work; it felt good to be back in my monkey shoes and it wasn't until just now that I realized I made it the entire way without the pain in my chest making an appearance. Admittedly I was walking slow given the short-legged company, but so had I been all the other various times I have tried walking in the past year.  I think being lighter has made a difference! How's that for incentive to get back on plan 100%!

I have been using the CBS products, but everyday there is also something added in extra that I shouldn't have - left over chinese, vegan spaghetti made with quinoa and corn noodles, blue cheese dressing, a fast food bean burrito (or two) - and tonight's dessert, chocolate coconut milk ice cream! Just a very small helping, not the half pint that it would have been were H and I sharing a carton. But really - so many refined foods are definitely not part of the program. For shame, I seem to have gone a little nuts for all my battling. Once again I have turned to food for release from the constant worry and stress with which I find myself imbued. Oh, and a glass of red each night to 'turn off my worry button' as H puts it.

I need an outside project to pour my energies into - I have discovered that if I don't move I eat to calm down. How counter productive is that?!?  Lord knows there is still much to do around here; finish my room, the backyard, my taxes, the garage .... a little overwhelming if the list is examined too closely but all very doable as individual projects. 

Just Move, Vail. It's really very simple.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 11/30 or 52/100

We have just ordered in Chinese for dinner, and my feeling is that I am not even pretending to try to stay on plan today. It feels like I have crossed over to the dark side after all of my good intentions last night and this morning. I am pretty ashamed of myself at this point, and very disappointed in myself to say the least. I just don't know how I got here and what to do to turn it around. Just keep fighting I guess. Have reasonable portions, and take a walk with Kaylee once it cools down. Start the day tomorrow with a positive attitude and healthy breakfast.

I wish I could write about the stress I am struggling with, but it's not my confidence to share. And actually, I should write about it - I can just take it off line and type it all out so I can try to make some sense of it all. I thought I was able to package it away but apparently not since here I am relishing the thought of sweet and sour pork instead of making my salad. And I don't even usually eat meat. God what am I doing???

This story had better have a happy ending, that's all I can say! 48 days to go, lets see what I can do.

Update
Dinner was yummy, I had two veggie moo shu pancakes, one small scoop of rice, one small pile of chow mein, three small bites of sweet and sour pork, one pot sticker and one fortune cookie. My heartburn is testament to my days without refined carbs and incentive to go back on plan! Hopefully this meal purged the rebelliousness in my psyche and I can rededicate myself tomorrow. I know, a lifetime of tomorrows doesn't accomplish anything if there is never a 'today', but experience tells me sometimes a break is a good thing. I will count this as my 'Off day', switching it out for Monday which would have been my regularly scheduled Off day. Hopefully not too much damage was done, but I definitely won't be weighing myself in the morning; I can  already tell I will be swollen. Did I say how delicious dinner was?  I'll need to incorporate healthy versions of these dishes into our everyday cuisine so we don't crave them in times of temptation (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, etc.) I'm sure Susan over at fatfreevegan.com has already composed similar dishes where we can gather ideas.  

Argh....time to find something to dampen the burning; think I'll have some more of my ginger tea, that should do it.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 10/30 or 51/100

I ran across this quote today from A Link I ran across on the fatfreevegan.com site that I like so much.

“When we ‘use our willpower’ toward a goal, we can quickly feel guilty and embarrassed if we start to fall short. If, on the other hand, we keep an open mind about what we might accomplish, we feel like any positive moves we make are getting us ahead of expectations and thus are “wins.”

This makes the process of doing things better (diet, exercise, saving money) a source of pride. We are  ’getting ahead…better than we thought.’ ”

There is much truth in those words, and explains why I shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. I just need to be 'better than I was' and keep going forward in a positive manner. All the small victories will add up faster if I can stop 'falling into the depths of despair' over all the small failures. Or rather, perceived failures. I would like to think that I am not just what I eat, or what I feel, but I know there is truth in both statements. I will keep striving to do better on both counts. Tomorrow will be a green smoothie for breakfast, Shape shake for lunch, and a chopped salad with beans for dinner. I will move and drink my water. I will have small victories all day to celebrate and this will propel me to another good day on Sunday.

I will keep fighting for what I want, because a week off track does not a wreck make! It was just a little pit stop and I apparently needed to refuel and change the tires. It's only a setback if I don't get back on the track. So what if I am lapped  by others, the point is to finish the race. 

OMG, my writing has been relegated to quotes and whatever that was. Analogies? I need a beer. Tomorrow I will finish my taxes, take Kaylee for a walk, work in the back yard, do my laundry, and maybe even go to the movies by myself since H is unavailable Saturday and I am unavailable Sunday. 

I have done great things on the first 50 days of the Orenda CBS program, and the plan is to keep going for the next 49 days doing the best I can each day. They don't have to be perfect, they just have to be positive.

"Star light, star bright .... hey, why did that wishing star move?"  lol, granddaughters are priceless; I am so blessed to have one ♥.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 9/30 or 50/100

What a day...week...month... and where did the year go??? Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year, and my halfway mark through 100 days of the CBS weight loss program. "I've been a slipping and a sliding, playin dominoes" for this past week; trying just to stay on an even keel let alone on program. I think today I was able to let go a little of situations beyond my control, and recoup a little of my infamously grand demeanor. God, what a sentence. Anyway, feeling more calm this evening like a few of the knots have let go inside. Which brings me to my thought - I wonder if my meds need adjusting. Twenty pounds (more or less) is not an insignificant amount of weight to lose in two months. Maybe my recent lethargy has as much to do with my meds as my stress? I'll email the Dr. to see what she thinks - not, unfortunately, that I hold much book by what the 'medical' professionals have to say. If I've broken a leg, I'm first in line at the hospital, but for everyday health - no thank you. I'll take my Orenda and Plants over their advice any and every day of the week.

So a long day tomorrow, and then on Sunday the 23rd the biggest (closest) full moon of 2013. A and I have a history of admiring the moon together, and today in the driveway just as I was about to spell out MOONLIGHT TEA PARTY to R, A pipes up asking R about having a ... tea party! We were on the same wave length my darling girl and I. I think it will be great fun to honour the moon with a tea ceremony, and I have a feeling A will be a willing accomplice. She has a beautiful porcelain tea set that comes out for special occasions; it will be great fun.

It's always good to have something to look forward to, and speaking of that I wonder if H and I are on for a movie Saturday. I'd better stock up on some gum; sugar free lemon pie, or rootbeer float or maybe a package of orange cream that tastes much like the 50/50 bars from my youth. I'm not sure if I would be able to skip the popcorn, but after all I have eaten off plan this week I just might be able to do that.

There is a glimmering in the back of my mind, a slow coming around to the positive, a shy whisper of 'remember that you want this' wafting across the rough seas of my mind.

I am listening.

Orenda CleanBurnShape 7&8/20 or 48 & 49/100

It's hard to find myself sitting here in a self imposed confession booth, but there's no way around it - the last week has been really ...challenging...and if I don't get it out I'm afraid the feelings will fester and I won't be able to turn things around. Having said that, I had to step away and go weigh myself so I have all the facts to lay down on the table, show all my cards as it were.

I have been watching my daughter go through some of the same things I had to back in the day - hard days I lived through making the best decisions I could at the time; before I asked her father to leave, and now he's dead; before I tried helping her brother Joey, and now he's dead. So how can she not help but see how I tried and failed to help the people, the addicts, that I - we- love, and then not be distraught over what to do herself in a similar situation with M. Tough Love has not worked so well in our little family, so what to do, what to do. Keep loving and trying and hoping and praying and holding fast to sanity. I hate that she is having to live through this, and can't help but feel I am in part to blame. And the grief at my past failures that I had so carefully tucked away rears it's ugly head.

And here I am playing the 'D' card again - oh look how hard life is and therefore I eat! That is my addiction, my drug of choice, my personal struggle. How can I be so angry at someone else for not controlling their urges when I can't control my own. It's a vicious negative cycle that I know all too well. A cycle that I dread, that I have let myself be swept back into like a wind tunnel sucking me down onto my own personal mysterious island of torment. (totally stole that, we were watching the 2nd journey movie last night, but the visual is accurate!)

Anyway, I have been on plan half heartedly this past week, trying but not succeeding to stay away from my 'drug' while dealing with strong emotions and memories, trying to support my daughter emotionally, working on getting my taxes done in the evenings, and trying to help with A who needs us all and is watching us all drift away. ("One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode!" Ron Weasley) Too tired and distraught to play with her, she is not getting her usual allotment of attention and the guilt is laying heavy across my shoulders. That is the first thing to change. Tonight I will be patient and when she asks to play I will say yes no matter how I feel or what has happened during the day. She deserves the best, to grow up confident and cherished; she is our light.

I have been using the CBS products, but the last two days I have also driven through to get fast food on the way home from work and scooped up numerous servings of apple pie - hence my forgetfulness at blogging - no one likes to record a failure...well maybe Edison or others of brilliance who see those as blips on the path of progress. But it was not intentional and I am surprised to see that two days have gone by without a single word from my proliferous fingers. Which brings to mind poison ivy and green stalks protruding from the ends of my fingers...god at least let there be flowers involved, and not just thorns. Not just numerous servings from an 11" apple crumble pie that made it's way onto the kitchen counter last weekend.

How my mind is wandering this morning! So back to the scale - up three pounds. My Bad. I cannot change that, but I can decide to knock it off. Sitting after work doing my taxes is probably my worst offence, movement is key! If you're not moving, you're not forcing your body to burn energy, and in the end it's always about calories in and calories out. A sedentary lifestyle is the real killer here - but it's habit and bad genes that make me a recluse, that compel me to turn in on myself and huddle when stressed. How i wish I were one of those waifs who 'can't eat' they are so stricken with...whatever.

H reminded me last night in a message that if I just keep a good attitude everything will work out fine. Which reminded me of this passage from Shakespeare in Love, a favorite movie of mine. Remember, Theatre Business = Life.

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?

Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

Hugh Fennyman: How?

Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

So there I have it, it will turn out well. And in the meantime I need to get off my a$$ and move and fight my way past each exit on the way home as I use to do. I need my muchness, my vorpal sword so to say; I need to be Alice for a few days until I am back on track! Which inspires me to leave with this quote from the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, it fits my decidedly unprosaic mood perfectly this morning.

6. The Mad Hatter: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
Alice Kingsley: Sorry, what was that?
The Mad Hatter: What was what?
[continues walking]
The Mad Hatter: The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, Jaws that bait and claws that catch, Beware the Jabberwock, my son, The frumious Bandersnatch He took his vorpal sword in hand The vorpal blade went snicker-snack He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. Its all about you, you know
Alice Kingsley: I'm not slaying anything. I don't slay, so put it out of your mind
The Mad Hatter: ...Mind?
[Hatter stops, puts Alice down on a log, and continues walking]
Alice Kingsley: Wait! You Cant leave me here!
The Mad Hatter: You don't slay? Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? You don't slay.
Alice Kingsley: I couldn't if i wanted to.
The Mad Hatter: You're not the same as you were before You were much more..."muchier" You've lost your "muchness"
Alice Kingsley: My "muchness"?
The Mad Hatter: [Points to Alice's heart] In there. 

Today I will find my muchness and slay my jabberwock. Off to the showers!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 6/30 or 47/100

I think I have lost my second roll! Think back fat - ew gross - and the rolls that accumulate as one gains weight. I had reclaimed my two back rolls over the past couple of years - again, ew gross - and just now checking out how this top fits I was looking into my 'rearview' mirror in the bathroom and realized my back looks sleek. I can see my hourglass figure unimpeded by road bumps - my back is smooth and curvy again! There may be a small swell hidden by my clothes, but I'm not stripping to check this close to leaving for work; I would rather type. Another positive sign that the 'Shape' is working wonders on my form.

I wasn't able to mark off the 'Move' part of my new CBS chart yesterday - but I did get through April done while working on my taxes; it feels good to have made progress! Hopefully I will finish those up by next week and get everything to the tax guy to audit (yes I filed an extension.) I've always done my own taxes, but with the separation from H and our joint business I didn't want there to be any question of impropriety (not that he would) or loose ends. I would like to close the books with a clear conscious. 

Given that I should work on another couple of months tonight I will try to walk at lunch today. I should be able to do that - I am my only obstacle, there is a team member on vacation and there will be extra day-to-day processing to cover. But there are three of us to make sure everything gets done and I should be able to sneak off for half an hour to stretch my legs.

Time to go pack my lunch - a green smoothie with spinach & blueberries added to my Shape shake; yum - and some fresh veggies to snack on for the drive home. I'll stop in at the store by work - hey I'll walk! -  and pick up some Pink Lady apples for the week, love them! R picked up berries to take with me for breakfast in the car, and I just need to fill up my two 20oz water bottles and I'm done. Easy Peasy.

Another Monday, another day to make healthy choices, another day closer to wearing smaller jeans over the holidays. Let's do this thing!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 5/30 or 46/100

One of the reasons I try to write everyday is to stay focused, or to refocus as the case may be. A lifetime of habit can be hard to overcome, and I was raised to be helpful to others, and my natural inclination is to look outside myself first. And that is where my focus has strayed recently - away from myself. And letting outside stress influence decisions. Not Good!  Yesterday's stress eating consisted of:

Peanut Butter (natural) and jam (all fruit) sandwich on Country White Bread (yikes)
Tater Tots with Ketchup (at least no HFCS there)
Leftover buttered toast and jam that A didn't finish (half a slice?)
Half an artichoke with homemade aioli (mayo made with olive oil)
Spoonful of peanut butter (palm oil & sugar)

I only took two Burns yesterday and because I had been snacking I skipped my shake. So dumb. It should be so simple - follow the program - If I had just done that I could have resisted the snacking. The products are the needed support - just take the products! If I had made the shake at lunch the pea protein would have alleviated the desire to snack. If I had taken my 3rd Burn I would have stayed busy instead of disappearing into the tv.

Yesterday did have some highlights - I cleaned out the big redwood doghouse so it can be used as a playhouse, and I went swimming for the first time in more years than I can remember. I want to keep doing this, it felt so good! The pool is only a couple of blocks away, and summer is around the corner. I will do this!

Time to focus on me! In a positive way. Some of the others following the plan are using a chart to check off each day so they are sure to use all the products when they should. I think I need to spend a little time this morning to print one out for the week. I love the results I have achieved so far, I want to see more - what I feel when I am successful is more important by far than the spikes of negative stress I try to push down with food. 

The good will overcome; I will use all my CBS products today to make sure of that!

Update
Here is my morning's work. I have printed the chart and will post it on the fridge as soon as I finish up here. Then the girls are going to the movies and I am working on taxes until lunch. Looking at the chart will remind me it's a shake and not a salad for lunch since it's a Burn day. My goal is to check off everything for 26 days, to use the CBS products, feel great, and just follow the program.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 4/30 or 45/100

Last night I kept pulling at my top and felt so uncomfortable I finally just went and put my pajamas on to relax. This morning dressing in a hurry I pulled on the same sportstop I wear instead of a traditional bra and realized why it had been making me so crazy; it's way too big and keeps creeping up my bosom!  So last night not realizing what was going on I kept pulling it down; it was Friday night after a long week, what can I say. But this morning I will go through my clothes and discard a couple of things that are floating on me - time for them to go! I'm not packing them away, they are going straight into either the garbage or the donation bag.

There, that's better, no more slippage with this one. Anyway, as much as I want to putter in the yard I need to work on my taxes today. And help with our visitor. S has come to visit A and two little girls in the house will be fun but also demand attention; I am more than willing to help. Speaking of which, time to finish getting dressed and join the fray.

There will be swimming and a popsicle party later to distract them, but this morning they are happy playing dress up as they chatter away in A's room (next to mine) and it's just lovely.

There is half a honeydew (small) calling from the fridge and hot water is on to make some spicy chai tea. I love Saturday mornings.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 3/30 or 44/100

Reminding myself what a Clean day looks like:

2 SCOOPS OF CLEAN IN 16oz WATER 2xDAY; AM & NOON

1 SHAPE SHAKE IN THE EVENING

1 BURN 3xDAY

64oz WATER

3 SERVINGS OF HIGH FIBER FRUITS & VEGGIES 3x A DAY

20 MINUTES OF EXERCISE 5 DAYS A WEEK

There are lots of choices in the kitchen; I'll pack some cucumber, carrots and an apple to take with me to work in case I get hungry - which doesn't happen too often on a Clean day.

And there is lots of potential stress in the home this morning. M is home for another clean start of his own, and while R and I are determined to be hopeful, there is an element of sadness afoot, and she is at her wit's end. We had a good conversation about it last night, and my prayers, such that they are, are for their little family to be whole and wholesome, happy and productive. What mother doesn't want their child to be happy, and my thoughts stretch out into the universe trying to find some hope and energy to direct towards M's recovery - both for him and her. It's hard to be dedicated when there is someone else to worry about, but that is life, that is never going to go away, there will always be something or someone else - if we are lucky. I guess - I've just never known anything different. And there we go as I digress into the lure of a pity party. I will NOT go there.

I don't want to be a stress eater anymore; I'm glad it's a Clean day and I have something to focus on heading into the weekend.

Lord have Mercy.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 2/30 or 43/100

Back to work today, back on plan, and feeling good. Just one small glitch, it was supposed to be a Clean day and I treated it like a Burn day. So tomorrow will be my Clean day this week. I don't think the difference of a day will matter much, and it felt good to fill up on veggies at dinner. I made a wonderful salad of kale, romaine, cauliflower, a tiny bit of carrot, green onions & white beans . Which reminds me of Dr. Fuhrman and his guidelines. Gomes, as in combs but with a G as he likes to say.

Greens
Onions
Mushrooms
Beans & Berries
Seeds

These are the foods packed with micro nutrients that feed our Immune system and keep our bodies regenerating healthy cells. The ones that are linked to reversing disease & satisfying appetites. (I can just see the antioxidants flooding my body and eradicating the free radicals; visualization is a powerful tool.)  Anyway, these are the guidelines I will try to remember during this next set of 30 days now that my body has adjusted to eating plants again and I can focus on streamlining in some extra nutrition.  Which brings me around to my salad dressing. I plucked one small orange from the tree and blended it up with some ACV and a handful of raw cashews. But wait, nuts aren't on the program yet! But I can rationalize anything.  I believe my handful of nuts is healthier than the 1T of olive oil allowed so in my humble opinion, it's all good. Next time I want a chopped salad instead of just chomping away on raw veggies or having some bean soup I'll use seeds instead of nuts to blend up my dressing, but the recipe will stay the same. 1T or ounce of Seeds for the fat, a serving of fresh fruit, and about 1T of vinegar. The combinations are endless. And eating a healthy fat with a salad facilitates the ability to absorb nutrients, another plus.

Pecan Raspberry, Walnut Apple, Sesame ginger, sunflower peach...all divine, healthy, and delicious. And changing up the type of vinegar adds spice and variety too.

R is working late so I have A for a bit. She had a fruit salad for snack (blackberries, apple & banana) and is now working her way through left over spanish rice, beans and a steak flauta all covered with a sprinkling of melted cheese. Yes, it makes me a little nuts, but I'm stuffed and she is eating. A win win in my book! Or it was until she ran out of cheese...big sigh, well, we'll see what happens.

So a Clean day tomorrow, and minimal dishes to do which is always a plus, and feeling good to be back on track.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 1/30 or 42/100

I'm posting a day late for my first day on the 2nd round of 30 days with the CBS program. An intestinal virus is making the rounds at work and I was feeling like I still had a hangover so I came home from work and slept most of the day away.  Feeling a little dizzy and nauseous I ate what I wanted, which ended up being off plan.

Breakfast: toasted bun with 1 egg over easy
lunch: 2 bowls of Barbaras peanut butter Puffins
Dinner: Spinach salad mix with pecans, blue cheese & cranberries

I did have my morning Burn, but that was about it.

A sleepless night followed since I had 1. slept all day and 2. filled up on processed foods

Serves me right. Transitions tend to be hard and that is something I need to work on.

Grrrrr.

The good news is that I took extra Immune, fought off the bug, and never sucumbed to the worst of the symptoms everyone was complaining about. I'll chalk this up to a strong immune system from 41 days of plants and the cleansing properties of the plan combined with tons of water and the extra Immune. Go Orenda!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30

It's a little early but I couldn't wait! Here are my Orenda CBS results at day 41 - 10 Cleanse days and 30 program days. The first chart is the one we get with the program, and I've added total columns. Fourteen pounds and nine inches! I'm a happy camper. But that's not all. Check out the next chart.

 To see better you can click on the chart, but this one has been my standard go to over the years, and by my measurements it's 13.5 inches lost, and that is just counting one leg and one arm - it's really closer to 18 inches lost! Hoo-Rah!

Looking ahead, how can I not, I see that my 2nd day off this next round of 30 days will fall the week of July 4th, so I will probably trade days so I am off for the holiday. Or maybe a trip up to visit H for the dinner & movie date we agreed upon but didn't set the time for yet.

It's sort of strange to have things to look forward to again. I am still hoping that once I am down below 200 #'s again I will be able to start practicing with my bow. Which means taking it up so H can check it out before I pull back the strings that have been sitting for years. I think I should find out now if I should order new strings, so I can take them with me on my next trip up to Lodi for a visit. A part of me is ready to see him NOW, but part of me wants to wait and keep it special. God I'm a strange duck.

But a smaller duck, and very pleased with myself and Orenda tonight.

Before and After, 41/100

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 29/30

209.3

Two Oh Nine point three!

Less than 210, Hoo Ah!! Or oorah, or who-ah! No matter how it's spelled, I am full of celebration this morning for the CBS plan. I'm back down to where I was a year ago when I started my new J.O.B. - my two years of stress eating behind me and erased!

Twenty five pounds to go; ten pounds to break 200, then another 15 to get back to where I am comfortable. Technically I could still lose another 20 after that, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Because I will, and not next year, but this one, and before the holiday season. If I can maintain 185 through the holiday's and then reassess how I feel I would be more than a little pleased. Ecstatic is closer to the mark.

Yikes, off to work.

209.3 - awesome.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 28/30

O.M.G.  So much fun last night; we set up our chairs on a beautiful lawn under old oaks, then enjoyed the great music & wonderful wine. I followed my plan until it was time for wine, only having a few triscuits with some excellent salami and onion & chive gloucester cheese for dinner. But I think we were both a little anxious about the 'date', each of us for our own reasons, and the wine was delicious. Three bottles later we headed back to H's where he has made his new little house a wonderful home, and there are no details I will share about what happened next.

This morning he made eggs, sausage & spicy hash browns when I was finally able to drag myself out of bed, and I couldn't say no; my hangover overrode any concerns about health at that point. He had even offered to make pancakes, but I opted for the menu he prepared based on my years of experience with drinking. Not that I have ever been a lush, but there have been times....He had even pick up some herbal tea for me, and my cup of cherry was the perfect way to break my fast while watching him cook. Just a  delightful morning even if my head was still a little spinny.

Anyway, this afternoon I had a leftover piece of zpizza for lunch, and a peach just now for dinner. I don't anticipate being hungry again today. So not on plan today except for the Burn I took with my vitamins before breakfast this  morning, but what an awesome time we had last night, and totally worth it. Next time we will stay in, drink moderately while we prepare dinner, and watch Cloud Atlas together. Something to look forward to on an Off Day during my next 30, so I need to plan for that to fall on a Saturday.

Two more days, then the weigh in. But I felt so good in my clothes last night, and in H's arms this morning, that I feel I have already won no matter what the scale says on Tuesday evening.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30

It will be another warm one today, spiking up over 100 again before cooling back down into the 80's next week. I have the windows open and the fans running to cool the house down before closing up for the day. I had better throw on some clothes and get outside to work! I have a facial at ten this morning, then I really really need to stay inside and work on my taxes. I leave at four to drive up to Lodi, and I have the tiniest of flutters in my gut at the thought. Tonight is a mystery; I just hope we both have fun.

Still at 212 on the bathroom scale this morning, so the last two pounds lost weren't a fluke. I have to ready my mind to see a little bit higher number on the wii since I will be weighing at night to stay consistent with how I began this CBS journey. But I was 224 on this scale the morning I started, so 12 pounds gone. Last night R and I pulled out a couple of boxes from the garage and I rifled through the clothing I had packed away the beginning of April when I was up to 230. I now have a few more things to wear! So a total of 18 pounds lost since 4/1/13. Which is another reason to celebrate the CBS plan. The first pounds lost weren't water weight or just the 'beginning of a diet honeymoon pounds'. I had lost six pounds on my own in April with all the craziness of everyone moving, so the CBS pounds lost are solid, or were, so to say.

Why am I reviewing all of this? Because I don't want to overindulge this evening. I want to stay on program all day, then choose the best options I can for dinner at the winery, and just add in a couple of glasses of wine. And maybe a little cheese. Maybe. I am not so much married to the idea of 'how much can I lose on this program in 100 days' as I am to the sustainability of losing weight using the products. One more evening off is not a deal breaker - it's life.  And now I am laughing, because instead of typing, "Shit Happens", I can now write, "Shape Happens". Because these products are working, and are going to see me through to whatever I find at the end of my personal definition of normal. And if I slip up once there, I know I can keep taking the Burn and use the Shape as meal replacements until I stop the slide and get back on track.  But I am looking forward too far. And I need to get outside!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 26/30

I don't really have time for writing this morning, but there seems to be a link between my scale and my keyboard, "psst, hey you, keyboard, this is the scale in the bathroom. She lost another pound, get her ass over there to record it!"

12.5 pounds until I break 200 - again. But this time IS really different, this time I have grown in ways that cannot be measured on a scale, or with a tape measure. And this time I have products that will support me through any setbacks I may experience on maintenance once I get there. I don't even know where that is; what size I want to be, what set of numbers to stay between on the scale, how my body will feel and look that satisfies my inner athlete. I could rename this blog to 'finding normal' were I so inclined.

It's all a big adventure, and it's fun to be the observer of my own destiny; aware of the changes, looking forward to results, ready to live a better life. Thank heavens I've been using my OTropin through it all over the past ten years so that I will have the time to enjoy it, that I can rely on my body responding to my weight loss as it rebuilds into a more pleasing shape, that barring any unforeseen accidents I have years and years left to enjoy what I am working so hard to achieve.

It's going to be warm today, up to 98, and I am wearing a shell top to work. While my arms are NOT what I want them to be eventually, they are a great improvement over what they were when we had a heatwave about a month ago, and today I have the confidence to show off some biceps. CBS Rocks!

Later
It was over 100 today, and it's not cooling off very quickly this evening. The fam has gone out for ice cream, and I am choosing to not indulge. I have wine to look forward to tomorrow and might even have some cheese too. We'll see. Only four more days, and the evening of the fourth day is my 41 Day weigh in. I'm already  happy with what I have accomplished, but I am anxious to stay on track, break 200 in my next set of 30 days, and keep going until I am back in size 12 jeans. In the meantime, tomorrow I have a date, and I am looking forward to the first real 'fun' in a long long time. I'm still debating the wisdom of this, but I need it, so there you have it.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 25/30

My days seemed off so I am inserting this post after realizing I didn't post anything on Thursday. I think because I was irritated at work, left early and went to get a pedicure, then ... well it's a blank. I know I stopped by the bank, and I remember A admiring my toes that night. I also remember cleaning the kitchen and making a double batch of chopped salad, because I had the 2nd half Friday night for dinner.

Ah how the mind skips and wanders; scientists now say time doesn't even exist except as a construct used to weave our way through the chaos. Anyway, Thursday was day 25, and now there is a marker for that.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30 continued

The past hour has slipped by as I perused some of the old journal entries made back in 2007 - 2008 and the record of my journey towards eating for nutrition. Scary stuff in the sense that here I am six years later and have some of the same feelings and challenges that I did then. Where is the growth and maturity??? But I have to give myself some credit; for not giving up, that I am still grateful for the small joys in my life, that I have taken this huge step in my life that I fought against for so long. 

One thing that I read really struck home. I was writing about how I noticed it was the 'happy' people who were able to lose weight and keep it off. Maybe now I am in a place where I can be one of those people. It's not just about the food, it's about everything else too, and I am more convinced than ever that I made the right decision and that I am on the right path.

I know how to eat, how to tell the difference between food and food products, and Orenda has given me the tools to get back on track without taking years to do it this time. I remember the excitement of breaking 190 and feeling great. I want to do it again, and I want it to be this summer, not two summers from now. Six more days until I finish this first 30 on the CBS plan. I may take a break and juice for a week before starting the 2nd 30 days - a friend with Crohns has agreed to try adding healthy juices to her day to see if it makes a difference and I want to support her. We'll see.

I barely puttered in the backyard today, guess my body needed a day of rest, but after reading about riding my bike I'm thinking I need to stop by the store for a bike pump on the way home tomorrow and dust the old girl off and take a ride. I had forgotten how much I love feeling the wind in my face and the burn of my muscles. Of course, I also want  to have a pedicure this week in preparation of my date on Saturday :)  Another, "We'll see!"

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30

It's always fun to get on the scale after a Clean Day, and true to form I am down another pound this morning.

Yesterday I took a bit of a misstep - a co-worker had made cinnamon rolls and I was just off the heels of a necessary but uncomfortable chat with someone else - and I gobbled one down before I could even think about it. I mean, I knew I shouldn't be eating it, and at the very least should be savoring every bite, but my animal brain took over and inhaled it before I could slip bicycle pants on my shoulder angel and stand strong. To help balance that act of rebellion I walked over to get A after work and then slipped into some work clothes to go rake and weed in the back yard for an hour. I love working till I sweat, then I know for sure I have done my body some good. As well as the back yard!

The most interesting part of yesterday was not the resolution of a problem within my department, not falling off the bandwagon, nor even my pride in the progress made in the yard. It was the invitation from H to drive up for some Wine and Music at Jesse's Grove on Saturday.What What!! I wanted to say no, to keep our separation...well...separate. But Wine and Music? And I miss him. And I would love a small weekend getaway and some good old fashioned fun and relaxation. It's been a while. The dilemma upmost on my mind is not  what might happen between me and H, but that it's a Burn Day, and Wine is not on the menu. Or shouldn't be. Because I'm not just talking about a glass, I'm thinking a few glasses and a sleep over! (I know....)

I guess the question at this point is whether the pound I won't lose from the flesh is more important than the nourishment my soul needs to reap right now. I am not a fanatic, I never have been. And my gut is telling me go have fun, eat right, take your product, and just add in a little wine at the end of the day.  I'll have my usual shake at lunch, and there is always at least one vendor with a vegetarian option at these types of venues. I have been ordering with nutrition in mind for years, I know how to customize what is offered so that I am left with a plateful of mostly unprocessed plants! What kills me is that if I had stuck to the original schedule Saturday would be my official Off Day. Serves me right.

So something to look forward to this weekend, the stress at work has been relieved, and I'm having a good hair day. My mood is pretty awesome this morning!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30

Smaller jeans! Whooping like a cowgirl inside right now, sitting comfortable in my daughter's hand me down 16's. I knew I was smaller and my pants loose but really didn't want to go garage diving for a bin of smaller clothes I know is out there. She must have given these to me when she was moving in, and I threw them in a drawer; this morning I pulled them out thinking they were mine but no, hers, and they fit!

Obviously I am a very happy camper this morning. I'm off to the kitchen to mix up two servings of clean, today's breakfast and lunch, and pack some berries for when and if I get hungry later. And some cucumber to slice up at work. I have frozen carrot tops in the freezer to add to my Shape shake at dinner; with a few sweet strawberries and almond milk it will be delicioso.

Being in a good mood will make it easier to chat with my buddy at work this morning, although for our 'meeting' I need to keep it professional; we can be buddies at lunch. I wish she would try the Orenda products, she has an IBS disease and I know we could help. I gave her the Eaze ingredients and link to share with her Dr. last week but haven't heard back. Crossing my fingers; I need to get her on the phone with someone!

Okay, off to the job on another beautiful cool Spring morning. I'm forecasting another good day!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 22/30

I'm home from work, but what a gorgeous day it is; I need to be outside working in the back yard! 

Later
Another corner divested of leaves, another pile ready to load in the green waste when there is room. A wanted to eat dinner on the patio which gladdened my heart; my efforts in the back yard are bearing fruit.

I wish I could say the same for work. My hopes for a united team are slowly dissolving before my very eyes and I can't seem to pull it back together. I don't want to be the 'B', I want us to work together seamlessly without having to govern. Rats. I'll just keep trying, there has to be a way. I have been known to brag that I am the middle child, the piscean woman who can hear both sides and find a solution. How pride goeth before a fall! I care deeply about these women I have been working with for the past year, some I have known longer than others but each of them has earned my respect and affection. I will find a way to bring us back together, I wonder who I could call for advice.  Well, no one tonight. My phone is sitting on my desk at work.

I am looking forward to my 'Clean' day tomorrow. I know I won't have much of an appetite which means fewer dishes to do at the end of the day! Fringe benefits of the CBS plan, so to speak. There are only 8 days left until my 41 day weigh in. The inches gone off my arms, legs, hips and waist are apparent. It's easier to move, and I no longer dread getting up from my knees. Not too long ago I would have to really think about it - which leg should go up first, what I could hold on to for support. I noticed today that I just got up without really thinking about those things at all! To a younger and\or thinner person that might seem a little weird, but to anyone who has been stuck on their knees they know how amazing this is to me.

Feeling full this evening I didn't even finish my salad for dinner. Strange for me to leave anything unfinished when speaking of food. I'm loving the cool air coming in the window, the chatter of the kids and neighbors floating in on the breeze. Time to get back up from this keyboard!!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 continued

Back when "The Secret" was all the rage it sped through the Network Marketing arena in a fiery blaze. That led to more reading and exploring and getting the basic idea that 'thoughts are things' and 'you have to make room in your life if you want to welcome in something better.'

Today I welcomed a new patio table and chairs into the backyard, and later this afternoon we will have company. I had seen the set with a 'FREE' sign on them during the morning's walk to the pond and R and I took A with us and grabbed them.  But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me see if I can get the sequence right.

1. H moved out, taking the patio table & chairs with him.
2. C next door wanted to lay a brick patio between the driveways, and we did.
3. C's better half threw him a surprise Bday party, and we worked to make sure our adjoining driveway was cleared off, hosed down and prettified for the occasion with the raking of leaves & the potting of new flowers.
4. A coworker was looking for some doggie day care, and a couple of months ago I would have been embarrassed to have them over, but in no small part to the Burn I have been keeping busy around here, so invited her over this afternoon.
5. The back yard is a wreck because all of our efforts have gone into moving and brick laying.
6. I spent the morning weed whacking, raking up leaves, hosing off the back brick patio and the new patio set.
7. Before lunch we went shopping and found four chair pads in a fresh green that just matches the colour of the potted peas (our garden) that we have growing on a trellis in backyard. They look inviting and add that final touch we needed to make the yard seem like we may actually use it.
8. I have an hour left to hose off the back cement patio and set up the futon couch before jumping in the shower.
9. I get to meet a new dog at 5 and have my dinner out on the back patio.

Everything sort of hinged on everything else, and while it may seem an obscure set of connections to someone else it all makes perfect sense to me. This will be the first person I have invited over to the house in a really long time, and it feels good.

Back to work!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30

Kaylee and I were up early this morning and took a walk down to the pond. We met a duck on the path that winds around the water and he wasn't inclined to move, so I gave him a wide berth and perused the bushes he was guarding until I found his mate neck high in the tall gold grass.  Such bravery and dedication. Of course he was bigger than Kaylee, but still!

Back home I worked a bit in the back making sure there was fresh water for the day and planted our grocery store basil plant; I hope I didn't kill it.

A is up and eating Berries while I type, I've already had mine for breakfast, and as usual had my first Burn with my AIO this morning. I'm happy with the progress we made out front yesterday, potting several flowers and cleaning up dead leaves. Very pretty and Spring like out there now. 

Today I need to work in the back and make it dog-safe for company; mostly just finish up the foxtails and hose off the patios.I am happiest when I am on my feet puttering, able to do something where I can see a difference. I can hardly wait until the back yard is someplace we can go enjoy a meal, or read a book, without looking around thinking about everything that needs to be done.

A wiggling four year old is not conducive to typing, so it's back to the real world. The only agenda for today is working out back, following the CBS program, and doggie meet & greet later this afternoon.  Yesterday was a great Saturday, and I'm expecting today to be equally fine - and cooler!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30

Waking up with a clear mind and heart I can clearly see how disconnected I was yesterday; walking around in a fog is not good. This hasn't happened for months, and when I think of the years I spent like that I almost shudder. But as they say, we all handle grief in our own way and time. And I think I am also mourning a little for the loss of my relationship. Even if it is a positive step forward, I do have regrets - which can be pretty destructive in and of themselves.

So lesson learned - don't go overboard trying to be positive, just live my life in a positive manner and make the best choice I can each time there is one to be made.

I started my day with an unscheduled dose of Clean just because I feel full of crap from yesterday and want to feel, well, cleansed. There are blackberries for breakfast, then  a Shape shake for lunch and a chopped salad with beans and lots of yummy fresh veggies for dinner to round out the day nicely.

I've enjoyed a nice quiet morning; four of the five animals have been dosed for fleas, A's bedroom is picked up, laundry is in, and A I have clean sheets on our beds. I know it doesn't sound like a quiet morning, but I enjoyed my domestic chores and the calm they often bring.

Now to the front of the house to take inventory of pots that need planting. I've already trimmed back the roses, and hopefully today I will find their food and get them fed this evening. 

I have lots of plans for today, and the energy and will to execute them. "Today's gonna be a good day."