Brownies and Bed Time

Mostly everything is going well now that Joey's B-Day is behind me for another year. We had gotten into the habit of celebrating with ice cream, just so the day wouldn't go uncelebrated, but there were so many treats in the house it seemed superfluous. I did end up eating brownies from the bakery that R had purchased as a back up in case her German chocolate sandwich cookies failed - they didn't, and were super delicious.  By Sunday I was feeling sick and anxious to be back on Bright Line Eating.

Mostly I'm writing in my paper journal as I'm tired in the evenings and really just want to get off of the computer. That's because I'm farming (online game) too much on and off during the day and then again after work. I'm hoping now that it's almost October the need for diversions will abate and I will be more sane. The house is suffering for it too, as I barely get the minimum laundry and dishes done each week.

Today was more productive, and I made rice chaffles to pack up for future breakfasts. There is a bag in the freezer and several breakfasts worth in the fridge - so easy and delicious. Just Spanish rice, egg, and cheese. Mix and cook off in the waffle maker and done! Two squared popped in the toaster and served up with some salsa is an awesome breakfast.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice chaffle, salsa, banana and green grapes
• l:  celery, apple, onion, cheeze, almond salad w/ bleu cheese dressing
• d: veggie bean soup, cream cheese

R took Cal in for his routine heart check up and it looks like he won't need surgery to fix his PDA. After everything he has been through this is really good news. He is so loving school, waving hi to his new friends and happy to get into class. Each day we stand in line with the others to fill out a form, wait for them to take his temperature and sanitize his hands, and then in he goes with nary a backwards glance. Just like his grandfather and uncle, everyone is a friend he hasn't met yet. 

And I'm calling Bedtime; I so look forward to that first moment each evening when I stretch out on the bed and feel everything get heavy and relaxed. Sigh.

Breathing and Baking

 It's been such a busy day I almost forgot to journal. Not much to report, other than a little voice urging me to have maintenance meals at breakfast and lunch too.  It was warm out, there were the usual school drop offs and pick ups, and I stopped on the way home to pick up more Allegra, a sweater for cool mornings, and Nutella for A. That will be a challenge, but currently I am up for it.

Harder still is R in the kitchen baking birthday desert for her friend's party tomorrow. They have a fun day planned, sailing and then dinner.  So I will have the grands all day. I am so used to her being here, coming out for tea while she is working, and then for lunch. But I am taking the day off tomorrow, and other than a little light cleaning don't plan on doing much.

 It's Joey's birthday tomorrow, he would have been 38 years old and sometimes I wonder what his life would have been like. But I don't dwell on it. Instead today I just breathed in and out, slowly, and remembered his laugh, and happier times. It's always going to be hard, but I keep enough of it locked up so as to keep it from being devastating. And I am glad R will have friends, wind, and sun to keep her occupied. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in having lost a son, that I forget she lost her brother.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: sprouted grain toast, plant breakfast sausage, banana & kiwi
• l:  veggie omelet, parm cheeze, apple
• d: ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw &  potato salad

Something I noticed while planning my food this evening, is that I like taking the time to really think about what I want the next day. 

I did a lot of intentional breathing today, and anytime I was tempted - and there was more than usual for some reason - I was quick to remind myself about my "wants."

Mostly I want to do this. I want to be a success story. I want to model healthy eating for my family - and those three things aren't even on my list!

Time for bed, and another Bright night.

BLE: A day in the life

 I've been 'sort of' following BLE for almost two years, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally willing to commit to following the plan. The whole plan, not just the bright lines, because 99% isn't only hard, it's just not working for me. Which isn't surprising, she wrote a plan, she didn't just throw four bright lines out there. This is what my days will look like.

This evening

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice & eggs, banana and green grapes
• l:  veggie bean soup, cream cheese, apple
• d: chili verde, 4oz rice, 10oz salad, dressing of sr. cream and tomatillo salsa

Morning habit stack

• write in gratitude journal
• read list of wants (write in notes of gratitude journal each week)
• 10 minute meditation
• take supplements

Meals; 8am, 11am, and 4pm

• Eat only and exactly what I have written down tonight; no substitutions

Nightly habit stack

• journal about the day; what worked, what I feel
• commit food
• take meds

Notes: Susan's vlog today was about curing food addition before trying to lose weight. That for some of us it is almost impossible to stick to our bright lines when caught in the vicious cycle of food addiction.  I have been stuck at about 200 #s for two years after losing 30 #s, and while she was speaking to those who have lost and regained and lost and regained a significant amount of weight while doing Bright Line Eating, I feel that it applies to someone like me who is gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over and over for a long period of time. It seems to me that two years is a significant period of time. So. I decided to add a grain to my dinners, making the last meal of the day about maintenance instead of weight loss. If I am still compelled to eat in the middle of the night, I will also add a protein, but I want to start gradual - it just feels right.

There is a sense of surrender tonight, and not just tonight, I've been feeling this all day. I don't feel manic. Instead I clearly see a part of me has resigned herself to following the plan. She is sad at letting go of her rebellious ways, but it's clear she is tired of the battle, and finally willing to support me in this. She stands in black jeans, white silk tank top, and low slung boots as she stands with feet firmly planted and gazes out over the ocean from atop a bluff. She's very dramatic, running her fingers through hair that is blowing gently away from her face, and her shoulders are relaxed, resigned to giving in to my begging. I feel her removing her attention from her efforts to thwart me, and instead she is focusing far out to sea on something that is currently beyond my ken. She is beautiful, and tonight I am thankful for this vision.

My Want List

• peace of mind around food
• walk without pain
• better blood work
• size 12 jeans

Emergency Action Plan

• stop and breathe, slowly and quietly, to the count of 20
• meditate, do parts work - be curious
• journal by hand, no keyboard, how I am feeling
• call Dee
• message mastermind group

I may have missed something, but you get the gist. Tomorrow evening I will check in here, and hopefully journal about my Bright day and commit to Friday's food.

I am a Bright Liner.

Three months and three inches

 Well, those three months just zipped by in a flash. Actually, they didn't, they passed one at a time. And I regret to say that most of them I struggled in one fashion or another. Never stringing more than a few Bright days together in a row before breaking a line or two or three. Rezooming every morning is just about the one thing I can count on. Each day I am so sure this will be the day, this will be the start of getting free, this will be the day I look back on with gratitude because I actually surrendered.

It's nice to feel that way, the flush of optimism leaving no room for doubt. I just wish it would last past lunch!

I checked my paper journal and my waist is 3"s larger than it was in May. I am not weighing myself, that is something I am working through - getting out from under the pressure of a number, any number. It's ridiculous to be so reactive, for good or bad, instead of just living in the now, and living each day how I intend to continue. So no more scale, and the mental battles are getting easier. I just don't want to know. Well, of course I do want to know, but that's just a small part of me easily dissuaded. And eventually I will get on a scale. At the doctors office for a checkup, or when I fit into some size 12 jeans, I'll know when the time is right.

Dinner was delicious. Yesterday I made Chili Verde in the instant pot. Today I skimmed off the fat from the leftover veggies and remaining liquid and put it back in the pot with a chopped zucchini, a large bag of Mexican blend cauliflower rice, and three hash brown patties. Forty minutes in the instant pot and viola! Delicious ugly soup. I added an ounce of cream cheese for my fat, and 6oz of spicy refried beans for my protein and a few shakes of Tapatio for good measure. Honestly, the potato made the dish, and I enjoyed every bite.

I absolutely need to work on a cook book. I don't want to forget this.

So much has happened since I last posted; our trip to Hawaii, Cal starting Pre-K, Cal not taking naps. Some things remain the same; Alanna holed up in her room, me gaming too much, the kids taking Sparky to the dog park most evenings. Just ordinary stuff.

I will say I miss the warm waters of Hawaii, and the rice I started eating with some meals because we were so active I was hungry all the time. And it's served with everything. Win Win.  I would say that those ten days were the Brightest I've been in a year. It was a great trip, and despite a few hiccups really glad I went.

Getting home was a little depressing; the smoke, the heat, the broken pipe that closed down the pool. We were so used to swimming every day it was hard at first. But now I am feeling lazy and fat and glad of the excuse. Not really, but that is the story I tell myself.

It's been a good couple of days mental health wise. And while I did snack a little today there was no sugar or flour involved. The pain from inflammation is a great motivator to get back on track. It's amazing how fast the body reacts to poison when it's been clean for a while. And luckily I am already feeling some relief as I start to detox again.

My downfall? Crack crackers in the cupboard. I can ignore many things in this house, but apparently Ritz is not one of them. Now I know.

I'm not sure why I needed to vent, but I do need to start journaling again. Not a record, but a reckoning when I am struggling to just get it all out. We'll see how it goes and if I can be constructive instead of whiny.

Aloha!