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Sunday, September 20, 2015

Days Eight and Nine of what was supposed to be Fourteen

I'm laughing at myself in a moronic sort of way at how hard I can pretend I will do better the next day, that I've only slipped and not tumbled headfirst down a rocky slope. Maybe that false hope keeps me from sliding all the way to the bottom. Perhaps pretense is a sort of safety line one can cling to and eventually drag oneself back up to whatever plateau it is that we dream of. Such fancy.

But I am ready to let this go, I am ready to close the tracking sheet; it just doesn't work, it never has. Well, not exactly, it did help awaken me to the importance of nutrition and micronutrients rather than dwelling on macronutrients.

A birthday party to prepare for and attend, then two girls to watch while the 'rents attended a wedding, and finally digging a big fat sleeping bag out of the garage to make up a double bed in the living room for an impromptu sleep over. I tracked nothing, ate too much bread for my own good, and ended my day with a mini ice cream bar from the freezer. So Saturday went.

And now it's Sunday, and I began my day with a fried egg on buttered whole wheat toast and mustard. I cannot write YUM in large enough letters to express how this breakfast delights me.

What, after all, is the point of continuing to track? Because I said I was going to write everything down for two weeks? I know from experience that counting calories doesn't work, that my tracking sheets are just part of the endless loop of frustration I have re-entered this year. It's so simple; more greens less bread; more seeds less mayo; more water and no caffeine.
This morning I finally juiced the pineapple with lots of spinach, and ginger, celery & cucumber. Then another day of rest interspersed with dishes and laundry; limping along my well worn paths between kitchen, bed, and laundry closet. I did go outside once to bring the garbage bins up the driveway but that was it. This cycling between 100's and 80's is confusing to my natural rhythms; I wonder if it's contributing to all of the sleeping. Most likely it's just depression and Joey's upcoming birthday. I hate to think that I am still stuck there, but if that is the case then I need to lighten up and let myself sleep it off. But then come the holiday's, and there is a sweet darling child to celebrate with and there is no place for sadness there. Memories, yes, sadness, no.

I wonder if I will sleep tonight I've had so many naps today.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Day Seven of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

The last day of the first week and so far so good. Part of my plan for these three weeks was to wean myself off of caffeine, and decaf green tea is the next step in the plan. But half way through my cup has left me shaking and hot and irritable. New Plan! Cold turkey on the caffeine. There is still a mild stimulant (guarana extract) in the Mind Works my daughter is having me try out, but I am accustomed to by now I should think. So water and herbal tea will be my only drinks if I stick to it. I probably take enough pain meds for my back to keep any headaches away, but I can always add more.

I spent some time this morning updating my tracking sheet so that I can grab a week at a time and show totals with the same breakdowns as I do by day. Focused or compelled? Who knows.

Much later, as in Saturday the 19th later.

I can't explain the last week except to note I have been coming home and sleeping. (Well, after spending time with A, cooking and reading and playing.) I realized this morning I hadn't been tracking or writing and upon opening my tracking sheet I realized it had been an entire week. I also saw that I had not tracked last Sunday's stats but had entered Saturday's on the Sunday tab. The summary is below. NOT a shining example of good intentions fulfilled. Not at all, instead a testament to my continuing failure to take charge of my health,

I'll begin again today, as I always eventually do, but to make it easier I won't track whole foods, just the dressings, anything processed, you get the drift. But the greens don't add up to much except for tracking calcium, and I never eat more than three or four fruits a day. I need to find a balance between trying to be accountable and not wearing myself out. So after skipping a whole week I am resuming at week 2 in the next entry.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Day Six of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

The weekend has arrived, and so far no bad decisions. Just water and meds and supplements. I absolutely have to use up the pineapple today, so a quick trip to the store for cucumbers and a lime will need to happen fairly soon. First, a trip to the front yard to repair the hose so I can water the trees out there. I would have gone out earlier but there were over a dozen robins and two jays enjoying pecking in what used to be the lawn but is now a brown wasteland to the human eye.

Once again I am posting the stats for the previous day on the next one. Below is the rest of Saturday. I'm confused by what is going on right now. I just want to sleep and eat - a bear preparing for the winter hibernation. While this is not unusual for me at this time of year, I am still disappointed in myself. I guess the difference is that I am continuing to track and post. I really feel the need to see the damage I am inflicting on myself reflected in hard numbers. Basically I ate enough for two days -half a pound gained in one day. Have I referenced CRAZY enough times to describe my eating? Probably not.

Oddly enough my percentages for the day's macronutrients (protein, fat, carbs) would be on track if I had eaten healthy carbs instead of wasting them on sugar. But still, two days worth of calories. Plus no activity. I literally watched tv all day after spending the morning outside. I repaired the hose as planned, and kept moving a slow drip from tree to tree and then a soaking for all of the roses. So I did accomplish something, if very little.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Day Five of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

I am not quite to the 'Oh Bother' stage of this new endeavor yet but it's getting close.  I am posting this a day late because I came home tired, and just plain forgot last night. Not much to report from yesterday anyway. Just another failed attempt. I suppose the good news is that I am staying under 2k, and being made aware of how quickly bad choices add up in a day.

Here are the awful stats.

While it was a day beset with occasional bouts of sorrow, it wasn't really any more stressful than usual. I did realize that the data I have been keeping hidden is that in a couple of weeks Joey would have been 32. I have imagined him as he might have been as each year passed by, so it's easy to pull up a picture of him as I type - so much like some of his cousins in build and like his sister in face. I miss that man that we never had the chance to meet. Of course I am thinking of the strong healthy version, not the addict he may have still been. Big sigh - on to the new day.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Day Four of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

Almost the same day as yesterday except that I did NOT drive through for dinner. I did eat a bag of chips a co-worker had stashed in her overhead and rumour had it she did not want them. I did. I asked, she gave, and the next 300 calories became history as I wended my way home in heavier than usual traffic.

Arriving home I heated up the rest of the Hoppin' John for dinner and settled in to watch the end of Gattaca. What a relief to be home. Would I be happier if I was pain free? Of course. But at least I am able to move and stretch as much as I want instead of being tied to a workload that relies on me being tied down to my computer. "You must pay the rent!" Or mortgage, whatever.

So here is the day's damage. Better than yesterday ONLY if I can stay out of the kitchen tonight. I don't think there is anything left in there but veggies so I should be fine. 'Should' being the operative word.

Gots to take out garbage and then get off these poor feetsies.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Day Three of Fourteen: 1500 Calories


What a blowout today was. I am hot and irritated both at myself and at the weather. Blech. This is what a few bad decisions can do to a promising day:

321 Calories over and none of them good. All of those red numbers are BAD stats. Look at the fricken sodium in the fast food - my trigger fingers will be frozen in the morning. All because of an impulse buy when driving through for a semi-reasonable burrito dinner and has thrown me off by more than I anticipated. Then having eaten so early I was ready for a snack three hours later and there was one lemon yoghurt left just calling my name. And of course I answered. With gusto.

So tomorrow will be better, well, at least it usually is but given my ups and downs lately (fourty years?) it's not a guarantee. So busy at work, and then accidentally working some overtime after working through lunch had left me a bit grumpy. I forgot about HALT. You know, never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Let's say the whole shebang hit me at once on the way home. Not that I recognized in the moment what was happening. Hey, the picture just looked good - I shouldn't have been there in the first place.

At least I tracked it, instead of checking out and giving up on my two weeks and apologizing later.

Yep, living in the moment here. Doing the time. Recording every little crazy bit of it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Day Two of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

"When I am overwhelmed, I eat until I am numb." Rachel, Extreme Weight Loss.

When I heard her say that I thought yep, the story of my life - eat until I am numb. Moving on here...

The weather forecast is at three digits all week, but that didn't stop me from walking to Sprouts at lunch today and then carrying a heavy bag back to the office. I had to keep switching the bag between hands and favoring my left leg (which is intent on being recalcitrant this fine Tuesday) but I walked slow and made it back without my lungs feeling like they were on fire.

Grocery List
One small organic cauliflower and a not so small organic orange bell pepper. Both a Bolthouse Daily Greens and a new green, help! Liquiteria? Anyway, continuing the list, two plastic boxes of organic lettuce (BOGO); one a kale blend and the other romaine, and finally a bottle of Bolthouse ranch dressing and a bag of roasted pepitas. Oh, and a bag of Kiku apples - a new variety for me so I accepted the offer of the nice gentleman to slice me off a taste; the apple was crisp, juicy and not overwhelmingly sweet. Nice. So, a heavy grocery bag on the return trip. These will be my lunch salads for the next three days, and then the leftovers will come home for the weekend.

I had cashews for a snack before I walked down in hopes of not shopping hungry and it worked, I only picked up the items on my mental list. I am drinking my lunch today as an act of repentance for my earlier breakfast of yes, a sausage muffin. I have a headache and am determined this is the last week of caffeine. Tomorrow my decaf will be a small instead of a medium, and after doing that for two days I will switch to decaf green tea from home.  I have a plan.

I need to juice tonight as there are apples, cucumbers and a pineapple that need to be used up. We'll see. Probably tomorrow morning. I'll be hungry after the low calorie lunch and won't want to cook and juice. Back to work, lunch is over.
No juicing tonight, I forgot it was 'Tuesday dinner cooked by A and Grama!'  We are doing this for six weeks in lieu of her cooking class that was cancelled at the Parks and Rec center. R had immediately ordered a couple of online kids cookbooks and tonight was our first foray into the Princess recipes; we made Mulan's Hoppin' John. I pulled some generic nutrition stats from online, and as I didn't eat any ham I am forgiving myself the fifty some odd calories I was over for the day. It was delicious though with the ham flavour and fat in the dish.

I need to mention that R also printed out an apron pattern and made A her very own apron to wear while we are working in the kitchen. I'll have to get a picture of her cooking next week - too cute.

I was also fooled at Sprouts. I had been comparing bottled green juices and the first couple I examined were 1 serving per bottle. So I picked two with the lowest calories not realizing they had 2 servings per bottle. My bad, but still within my calorie budget.

I am so tired, my dogs are barking, and it's time to finish up the day; dishes will have to wait until later - maybe tonight but probably not until tomorrow. I plead pain and not laziness. Really.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Day One of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

lol, OMG, here I go again. I have the tracking all set up, I may as well use it.  R has a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks, so I may as well try to be inspiring and supportive. And Summer is ending and I probably should lose a few pounds to make sure my Winter clothes fit. I also need to get the caffeine out of my life again - it's detrimental and disruptive to my brain. So my good goals are my previous mix of Fuhrman and McDougall, in other words, basing my meals on starches and greens.

We are planning to do some furniture shuffling, so I started packing up books in my room and ran across "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery; a favorite author since childhood better known for the "Anne of Green Gables" series which is also dearly beloved. I couldn't resist, I had to read it. So I have been changing positions often leaning the book up against various props as I can't actually hold it for more than a minute before my hands go numb and my neck begins to hurt. I love this story for so many reasons, and it is so wonderful to be actually reading a story instead of listening to one. But I digress. Holding a book in one hand (hence the scheduled carpal tunnel surgeries) and snacking with the other is the oldest and most destructive bad habit (again - surgery) that I have engaged in over the course of my life. If I could return all of those ill-gotten calories I imagine my life would have been a little different, for the better I think. In any case, a bad habit it was and so it remains. I wasn't two chapters in before the itch to eat came upon  me. But as I was searching for something to eat (remember there is left over home made carrot cake in the fridge) it occurred to me that I shouldn't do this - eat mindlessly while reading - and commenced to find something that if not healthy, could at least be measured.

I know that a healthy 'diet' does not exclude fruit - most of our antioxidants are there and we evolved (imho) on a diet of antioxidants. So I am ignoring the 'sugar' in fruit. For the same reason I am ignoring the sugar in starches.  As I don't plan on eating any more processed foods in the next two weeks keeping refined sugar to zero shouldn't be a problem. Ha.

And so it begins, my two week goals: Keep under 1500 calories and get the furniture reorganized.
Day's recap: My percentages are way off, but I stayed under my goal of 1500 calories. This will improve as I keep fighting. As I keep choosing Me. As I learn to calm down instead of shut down when I am overwhelmed. As I continue to practice on focus. On 8/15 when I first began to really analyze myself, I was 233.4, and this morning I was 233.2. It's not much, just a fluctuation in water, but it's lower and even if it's only the teeniest smidge, I'm taking it as a win. I don't plan to weigh again for two weeks. 

Obviously I struggled today, and I'm blaming it on the book. But I just finished it and tomorrow is work so I should be able to do better. I realized booking my dessert that I was using a 1600 calorie spreadsheet and had to update it to 1500 calories.

Day One:

An online weight calculator estimates that at this calorie level I can lose 33 pounds before my Birthday next March. That would be totally wicked! Damn all the sugar I ate today. But at least it was actual 'food' and not junk.

I did make a nice dent in my room before picking up the book, and should be able to make the furniture swap next weekend. Now to keep moving until bedtime to make up for the reading; at first I was glad to be diving into a book, but after the day of snacking and not being able to move - not so much. So back to audible books and ear buds for me! God I need to stretch, I'm outta here.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

'Grant me the strength'

Well that was a few days struggling to keep my head above water.

    I ate chocolate at work for the first time all year
    I added white sugar to my coffee one morning
    I gorged on cashews one afternoon

I could go on but it's ugly and I don't want to travel those nine yards ever again. Instead I will just get on with it.

I was browsing through the blogs listed on Sean's site when I caught the subject line, "Throwing in the Towel" and thought, that could be me. Has been me, so many times. But I am not ready to give up. I have a plan, a list of issues I need to address, and I have already checked off one of them. I'm going to keep going until there is no longer a list, and I am going to figure out a way to keep my focus alive while doing it. I am.
On this night we celebrated R's birthday. I can't begin to explain what this child means to me. She was my first, the child I dreamed of years before she was born, and the beginning of the woman I would become while realizing the responsibility of raising children. I am so grateful she was born to me, that I can see both Joey and their father in her beautiful face as well as the strong woman she has become on her own. As A would say, I love her to the moon and back. I guess most of us feel that way about our children, and just like most parents I think she is the most special of all. My thanks go out to the universe.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Binging Day

Driving to work having eaten a sausage biscuit I was horrified to discover that I wanted to keep eating. Out of nowhere I felt empty and had a desperate desire/need/compulsion to keep eating. I talked myself down from stopping anywhere else for a second breakfast almost all of the the way to work, and at the last turn into our business center turned left instead of right and ended up driving through CJ's for yet another sausage biscuit. Good Grief. I did stay away from the leftover carrot cake, cream cheese stuffed sandwich cookies in the kitchen at work, but made up for it triple at lunch. First stop, Taco Bell, nachos no meat. Second stop, Micky D's for an oreo frappe. Really? This is how I choose me?

No stopping on the way home to eat, and once here cut up half of a small seedless watermelon and ate it all. Then I finished the last half cup of Cheezit's leftover from our road trip. And next had a cup of noodles with hot sauce. Is it laziness? Is it forgetting to take my thyroid pills two days in a row? Is it backlash from a couple of good days? I really make myself crazy sometimes, and wish I could figure out how my switches work so I can keep the toggle on 'awesome' instead of 'eh'.

Hopefully the eating is over for the night. The intense 'need' has subsided and I am pretty tired. I should make myself do something productive, like go out and repair the front hose so I can set a drip on one of the trees, but just thinking about it my brain steers the idea onto the Saturday list and won't even consider that task as a possibility for today.

So was it really a binge? Time to Google calories? Hmmm. Do I really want to know?

Nachos 362
Frappe 540
1st sausage biscuit 430
2nd 480
Noodles 290
Watermelon 170

No, I didn't really want to know. But this should help me fight harder should this happen again. I can't remember the last time I did this. CRAZY.

So, just another whiny day. If I had a quarter for every one of those....

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

I Choose Me

I did watch another episode of Extreme Weight Loss last night, and I realized that in the beginning of each new story they begin by making a production of letting the new client know that they have been selected, they have been chosen  to experience a transformation. I remember realizing this before, that I could choose me, that I didn't have to wait for my prince charming to save me, that I could save myself. But one has to be in the right place. Whether that's hitting bottom, or having an epiphany I guess it doesn't really matter. Maybe it's just the last drip of water on the stone of your being that triggers a survival response. But whatever it is, I feel like I am changing. It's probably just a slow start to another 'manic' episode, but today I am still calm and determined to change my work environment back to something positive.

Back when I was the Administrative Mgr. of a multi-million dollar corporation I had a sign on my door, "The quality of life should not change when entering this door."  It was true then and stays relevant today. Maybe even more so as I have a much shorter life expectancy now than I did then. Say another good 20 years if I start taking care of myself, and then another 10-20 after that? I had two grandmothers who lived until their 90's, and lived well,  not bedridden or senile. And they didn't have Orenda's O'Tropin to take like I do. In any case I don't imagine there is another desk job in my future, and I refuse to keep working under stress at this one.

One more note and then I am off to get ready for work. The kids have decided to have another baby; A has been asking for a baby brother for years, R's best friend is due with her 2nd in November, and she is going to be 35 in September. It's a now or never decision, and if all goes as planned I'll have another grandchild in a year or so. All I see is love, the rest will fall into place.
Today went well; no drama, lots of work, and an unexpected show of confidence from the Boss. I had a short conversation with my 'challenge' at work and I am still calm. I know that I have it in me to replace her if I have to, and this time there will be no backsliding or she is gone. Simple as that.

R also looked up the names of the convicted killers of her brother and they are both still inmates from 2008 when sentenced. Next will be to visit the site.

I have a mental list, and I am going to confront everyone on it. I am going to be healthy and happy, and I am going to be those things sooner than later. Because I choose Me.