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Sunday, September 20, 2015

Days Eight and Nine of what was supposed to be Fourteen

I'm laughing at myself in a moronic sort of way at how hard I can pretend I will do better the next day, that I've only slipped and not tumbled headfirst down a rocky slope. Maybe that false hope keeps me from sliding all the way to the bottom. Perhaps pretense is a sort of safety line one can cling to and eventually drag oneself back up to whatever plateau it is that we dream of. Such fancy.

But I am ready to let this go, I am ready to close the tracking sheet; it just doesn't work, it never has. Well, not exactly, it did help awaken me to the importance of nutrition and micronutrients rather than dwelling on macronutrients.

A birthday party to prepare for and attend, then two girls to watch while the 'rents attended a wedding, and finally digging a big fat sleeping bag out of the garage to make up a double bed in the living room for an impromptu sleep over. I tracked nothing, ate too much bread for my own good, and ended my day with a mini ice cream bar from the freezer. So Saturday went.

And now it's Sunday, and I began my day with a fried egg on buttered whole wheat toast and mustard. I cannot write YUM in large enough letters to express how this breakfast delights me.

What, after all, is the point of continuing to track? Because I said I was going to write everything down for two weeks? I know from experience that counting calories doesn't work, that my tracking sheets are just part of the endless loop of frustration I have re-entered this year. It's so simple; more greens less bread; more seeds less mayo; more water and no caffeine.
This morning I finally juiced the pineapple with lots of spinach, and ginger, celery & cucumber. Then another day of rest interspersed with dishes and laundry; limping along my well worn paths between kitchen, bed, and laundry closet. I did go outside once to bring the garbage bins up the driveway but that was it. This cycling between 100's and 80's is confusing to my natural rhythms; I wonder if it's contributing to all of the sleeping. Most likely it's just depression and Joey's upcoming birthday. I hate to think that I am still stuck there, but if that is the case then I need to lighten up and let myself sleep it off. But then come the holiday's, and there is a sweet darling child to celebrate with and there is no place for sadness there. Memories, yes, sadness, no.

I wonder if I will sleep tonight I've had so many naps today.

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