BLE: Nothing much to see here

A beautiful sunny day, but Cal didn't want to go out, so we played a bit of this and that inside, never finishing anything, and resting often. He tells us if he's not having a good day now, and it's a little heartbreaking. Thank heavens treatment is almost over.

We had some good tidings this afternoon, a cousin is driving North and will stop by to visit for a couple of hours before continuing on her way and finding a camp ground for the evening. She is the Gypsy of the family, and we always look forward to her visits, and then to seeing her photographs. Her great grandfather would be so proud!

Today's Food

b)  barley, pinto beans, salsa, hot sauce, cream cheese & an orange

l)  veggie chili, apple

d)  chopped salad w\ bleu cheese crumbles, red peppers, red onions, ranch dressing

I have to cook tomorrow! I have decided to make a blueberry spinach smoothie for breakfast, and will spend a new minutes this evening figuring out the recipe so that it's BLE compliant (except for the blending part). I think I have enough ingredients for several breakfasts so I hope it's everything I remember it being. Rich, delicious, filling, satisfying.

Then I really really need to roast the veggies I intended to cook this past Sunday. My Bad.

I've been doing too much and my old back injury is pinching, sub scapular thoracic bursitis - something like that. So that's it for the post.

Gathering positive thoughts for a Bright Night.

BLE: A little paint and a sliver or two

It felt good this morning to get dressed, make my bed, and have a Bright breakfast. Two days of mostly plants and my attitude is showing the effects. This will be my third Bright day in a row after three Bright nights, and the calm continues.

This morning we painted, played go-fish, and then picked A up from School where she is going two mornings a week as they transition the kids back from remote learning. After lunch we went out to water, and even though he had his crocks on at some point he picked up a cluster of slivers from the tan bark. The tan bark I bough on purpose because it's used in play yards.  A million tears and several attempts by his Mom to extract them he is partially treated and laying in my bed exhausted from the ordeal. While he is sleeping I will put some baking soda paste on his foot and hopefully all will be well when he wakes up.

Today's painting is drying in the dining room, but once dry it will join these others on my closet door.

The very top and top left are mine, the bottom left is his, and the two on the right are collaborations. Meaning he paints until he is done, and then I scoop up the left over paint off the palette and throw it on the paper. Waste not want not is too firmly engrained into my psyche to do anything else if there is an abundance of white left on the paper and paint that cannot go back into the tube.

Today's Food

b)  barley, pinto beans, salsa, hot sauce, cream cheese & an orange

l)  veggie chili, apple

d)  chopped salad w\ bleu cheese crumbles, red wine vinegar, & roasted pecans

Cal is already asleep, worn out from a busy morning and a sliver or two.

Indecision grips me; errands, gardening, housekeeping. How I wish I could still hold a book for hours and just lie in the sun for a bit on this beautiful Spring day. But first, I have a foot to treat.

BLE: Just another Monday

Last night I was too hungry to wait for the Chili to finish cooking, so I opted for a bowl of leftover cabbage and red potatoes covered in cheddar cheese. Yum. I did have the chili for lunch today, splitting my protein between soyrizo and a three bean mix (black, pinto, kidney) and adding all of that to ten ounces of the veggie mix was perfect. A nice big bowl of warmth on a cool day.

Today's Food

• b)  barley, pinto beans, salsa, cheese, an orange
• l)  veggie chili, apple
• d)  green salad, chick peas, ham, green onion w\thousand island dressing

It was a blustery sort of day and we spent much of it inside playing around with nerf rockets and cuddling up to watch Ring of Fire, AGAIN, his latest favorite Octonauts movie. Sparky piled on and provided a much needed distraction with his puppy antics.  We did get out for a few minutes to play, but we both tired easily and came back in to get warm.

It's been an okay sort of day, actually pretty good for a Monday all things taken into consideration, and I followed through on my plan. I did get hungry and eat dinner early, but having a large salad always takes a while to eat anyway so really not much difference. The one time I wanted to eat it was clearly due to frustration that I wasn't getting more done, but it only took a moment to get from realization, to calming down, to distracting myself. So not bad.

I have two more breakfasts packed up that are the same as today, and three containers of chili ready to eat. Tomorrow I will probably roast off the veggies I didn't get around to today, but I am guessing it will be salads for dinner until the chili is gone to get in the raw stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good about a couple of Bright nights and days behind me, and I am once again in a calm mental place. Now to keep doing the work to stay here.

"Lord, give me the strength."

BLE: Reevaluating yesterday's thoughts

So of course I had it backwards. The basic point behind Bright Line Freedom is to start living more in the body and less in the brain. Not to say I am confusing Spirit & Mind, I am not, but for now I am back to focusing on the body and spiritual work can come later. Or concurrent. Whatever. But I need to experience my feelings physically, and not think them through, avoid them, or worse case scenario bury them deep. We eat instead of feeling, or as common nomenclature states, "we eat our feelings." I, eat my feelings. Not as a way to avoid pain as i have often thought and read and been told, but instead of feeling pain. A subtle difference, but an important one.

I knew this months ago, a year ago, and it sort of just slipped my mind. Focusing on feeling everything is my goal this coming week. If I want to eat and it's not driven by hunger, I will stop and wonder what I am feeling, and where in my body it shows up. I will continue to question the parts that show up but focus on their feelings too, and where they show up in 'our' body.

In other words, I will do the work instead of paying it lip service. And it turns out that my inability to remember to do the work is just another part of me whom I will try to meet. I am tempted to call he Missy A - for avoidance - but instead will wait for her, or him, to show up and let them name themselves. I will be present and not disappear into video games or solitaire. I till try. I will be unstoppable.

And I'm out of pep talk.

Today's food

• b)  Colby jack cheese on triscuits, a perfectly ripe large plum
• l)  half a delicious cauliflower crust pizza from Blaze w\ spinach, red onions, mozzarella, Kalamata olives and pepperoni. Oh and a spicy red sauce that left my mouth warm and happy, and to finish a crisp, sweet apple.
• d)  veggie chili w\ pinto beans and soyrizo sausage

The veggies for the chili are on the stove where they will simmer for a while. Onions, green peppers, a jalapeno (seeded) and a large can of crushed tomatoes with a bay leaf, oregano, cumin and chili powder are all in the pot making friends. I'll mix up the soyrizo and beans separately so I can measure and weigh out lunches for next week knowing each container is exactly the right portion. I'll add cheese or olives for my fat depending on my mood.

Tomorrow I'll roast up a batch of cherry tomatoes, carrots, sweet potato (just a little) and onion with Mrs. Dash's onion and herb blend - my favorite. I need to use up the lentils in the freezer so they will be dinners next week. And yes, another goal next week is to limit the animal protein. I ate way too much last week and will blame that on how grumpy and tired I have been.

Breakfast next week will depend on the weather. If it warms up I will be making blueberry & spinach smoothies with almond milk and flax for the protein. If it's still chilly I'll make a pot of steel cut oats, and split my protein to include flax meal. I've got to get rid of these blues!

It's been cold all day, and I now know more about ancient China and mining gold than I probably need. But it's nice to take a day to do nothing and just cuddle up and stay warm.

I think I had better head to the kitchen and do a better job of washing my hands; I can feel the jalapeno starting to burn.

The rain that was forecast for this afternoon has arrived. I wish the chili was ready.

BLE: Of Body and Spirit

Let me just say upfront that I am not a Christian; I believe there are more ways than one to reach 'heaven.' That being said, I do believe in Jesus the man, and that he was enlightened, and that while the bible has many flaws being written by mostly men hundreds of year later, it too was probably written by mostly enlightened people with mostly good intentions.

I'm not sure why I am thinking about this just now, but it occurred to me this morning that many valuable lessons have been there for thousands of years, but as a general rule we are just too stubborn to embrace them.

To thine own self be true.

    Turns out this one is actually from Hamlet  by Shakespeare, but he was so often paraphrasing from the Bible that it counts. But no, wait, a few minutes with Google and we get to Greek Philosophy.  So maybe not from the bible, but still millennium old wisdom so it stays. The search also brought up the below interpretation, which is spot on when applied to my Bright Line Eating journey. 

 "The first meaning is that someone can better judge himself if he has done what he should or could have done. The second meaning is that one must be honest in his ways and relations. The third meaning is that one must always do the right thing."

(OMG, my writers brain wants to expand this quote into a paper; maybe later.)

Your body is a temple.

     “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"  I am choosing to disregard the next sentence which is IMHO just political in nature. Meaning that it is someone else's interpretation put forth with an agenda to control through power. Of course that is (again IMHO) the whole bible, a conglomeration of stories skewed and interpreted to control the population. Which is sad, because the core lesson is so valuable if you believe as I and many others do that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

And of course Ezekiel bread:

     "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself."

I realized why I am thinking about these lessons this morning. Because Saturday mornings I meet with my master mind group and they inspire me to be a better person, and I actually spend time prepping for that meeting and focusing on my journey and how I could be doing better. I will take it as a message from within that I am spending too much time on the wrong things. That my journey has been too much about my physical self, and not enough about my spirit.  Well, duh!

It's so much easier to make this about wanting to lose weight, about freeing the inner-athlete that so badly wants to go play with bows and arrows again.  I guess I have a core belief that if my body is ready the spirit will follow. that if I am comfortable in my body I will have the strength and motivation to pursue a more spiritual life. Just maybe, it really is the other way around.

BLE: Ugly Delicious

This catch phrase so perfectly described my dinner I had to use it. The bottom layer is made up of leeks sautéed with bok choy, plus some cabbage, onion, and a little red potato left over from St. Paddy's day added in to bring my veggie serving up to 14oz. Next came ground beef and spicy pork simmered in crushed tomatoes that was left over from last week, and finally on top an ounce of cream cheese for my fat serving and a healthy grind of black pepper.

It was ugly - even more so after stirring it up. And it was delicious.

We spent time in the back yard today, getting a blackberry bush planted for Earth Day, and doing some Spring cleaning on the patio. It's so nice to have cushions back on the chairs, and R even cleaned some windows! We also puttered out front, Cal helping with the watering and me digging up an old rose that had nothing left to it but suckers. Sad to see it go, but looking forward to finding a replacement.

Today's Food

• b)  sprouted grain toast, deviled eggs, orange
• l)  orange bell pepper & an ounce of Ranch dressing, then ricotta cheese, fresh pears and banana, roasted pecans & pumpkin pie spice mixed  up in a bowl. Yum.
• d) See above; greens casserole?

Time to get to work. It's been a lovely sunny day, and now the wind is picking up. While I would rather play, at least I have a symphony of leaves serenading me through my window to ease the transition.

BLE: Another Spring day

I spent ten minutes or so blathering on here about how I ended up in the kitchen with reading glasses on this morning, then instead of saving the post accidentally deleted it. I do not have the motivation to re-create the post. Let's just say that if  you are farsighted, and not in the mood to start Spring cleaning, do NOT put your reading glasses on in the kitchen.

It's looking to be a gorgeous day, in the 70's, and I am looking forward to spending time outside with Cal and Sparky. Oh, speaking of which, M found a picture of a black Jack Russel (who knew there was such a thing!) and he looks just like Sparky! So not a Chiweenie, but a Jackshund! This explains his ears, the white strip down his chest, and how large he is growing!  R is wondering about his DNA, and I see a test in his future so we know for sure. Not that it matters, he's a keeper!

Today's Food:

• (b)  red potatoes left over from dinner, 1 egg, mozzarella cheese, forgot my fruit!
• (l)  raw cabbage, celery, red onion, garbanzo & red kidney beans, romaine, mayo, catsup, Apple
• (d)  Stone stoup; using up leftovers for a Bright meal

A note about my food. Posting in the morning after breakfast, you can be sure that part of the menu is accurate as is lunch 99% of the time. Dinner, not so much. Depending on a number of factors this may change a little or entirely. But starting out the day knowing what my dinner will be is important, and if life intervenes to change things up, I am amenable as long as it's still Bright.

I spent some time yesterday wondering about why I still have an angry part, and tried to engage her to figure it out, but couldn't really bring the part forward to do the work. It's such a strong part when she appears, that one would think she is always bubbling just under the surface, but this is not the case. And I think it's the surprise factor as much as anything that throws me for a loop once she does show up, strong and in my face so to say. I will try a guided meditation for this protector part once Cal goes down for his nap today, a much better use of my time than another episode of OUAT. Okay, that looks funny, I may as well have just type out Once Upon A Time.

Good intentions aside, It's nice to be in a good mood.

But I do wonder what Emma is up to .....

BLE: Food and recovery from the vaccine

Much better today, with only a slight headache for part of it. I am still tired, but that is business as usual so I'm not counting it as residual effects of the vaccine.

It's been a Bright Day, as have the past two nights been, and I'm feeling fairly well anchored heading into a new week.

Today's Food:

• (b)  oatmeal, pears, ricotta cheese & roasted pecans
• (l)  chopped cabbage, celery, red onion, garbanzo beans, egg, mayo, mustard
• (d)  Corned beef, cabbage, carrots, red potato & onion

Yes, we had another corned beef. I had picked one up on sale after St. Paddy's Day and decided this was the day. Just as delicious as before, the mustard coating prior to sprinkling on the seasonings is going to be our new standard. But the absolute best part were the carrots. The first two hours was the corned beef and two yellow onions sliced up on the bottom of the pan. I had lightly coated the bottom with avocado oil before putting the roast down, and when I opened the foil covered pan at two hours gone, the onion slices were perfectly sautéed. Oh, and I had added a little bit of apple juice and sparkling orange water to the pan for liquid. Not the inch of water the package calls for, just enough to keep the roast from scorching. Maybe half a cup of liquid? 

Adding in the chunks of carrot right on top of the sautéed onions that surrounded the roast was brilliant as it turns out; a marriage made in heaven. The red potatoes, more onion, and finally huge wedges from a large cabbage also went around the roast, filling the large pan to the top. Foil back on, cinched down tightly, and back into the oven for another hour it was hard to wait. I will note here that at some point Cal headed into the back yard so he didn't have to smell it anymore. He's four, what does he know? And I have to admit that once it was done, I ate dinner too fast, practically inhaling all of the goodness.

Now of course I want to take a nap, and instead need to get to work. I'm thankful for the time I put in early this morning, which will cut my time short tonight. But Mondays are always challenging, and at least I am happily fortified to face the onslaught of emails that await me.

I'm grateful to spend my days at home, and grateful I still have a job. Just ignore the whining, it means nothing.

 

BLE: Of TV and Oranges

A little tired and headachy  yesterday, I plowed my way through a whole season of  Once Upon A Time as I lounged upon the couch. This led to an afternoon of snacking, no dinner, and finally a big spoon of natural peanut butter around ten pm. So much for good intentions and where they lead.

Today's Food:

• (b)  oatmeal, flax meal, banana, blueberries & nutty peanut butter
• (l)  chopped cabbage, celery, red onion, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, mayo, mustard
• (d)  white bean, jalapeno sausage, veggie stoup

All was well this morning, my usual daily optimism in full force, and only a vague headache remaining from the Covid vaccine. 

I am enjoying my new shredded bamboo pillows. I bought them because of the zipper enclosure that allows for creating just the perfect thickness of pillow. Which for me is practically flat.  And I may be sleeping a little better? Evaluation is still under way. Wouldn't that be something if after a lifetime of feather pillows I am allergic? My morning mouth tells me I am still snoring, but I guess that is not surprising given my weight. Losing weight has been great, but I need to remember I have between 30 and 50 pounds left to go. 

Enough of that.

Today's plan is to take Cal to Home Depot, pick up some bags of dirt, and plant a blackberry bush in the back yard. Well, not in the yard exactly, but in a big bright beautiful blue pot I picked up the last time I was out plant shopping.

I did make it out to the back yard to water yesterday, and noticed the bees are enjoying the orange blossoms on our tree. Standing in the shade of the tall green branches, the white clusters of star flowers were abuzz with the little creatures. I had trimmed back some of the lower branches that were infringing on the yard last year, and because the branches aren't as low we don't get the same fragrant orange breeze as we have enjoyed in the past.  My bad. I guess? The tree does seem healthier. And my shaded spot under the tree was heavenly with the cool orange breeze I have grown to love so much.

R&M are taking off for a hike this afternoon, so it's me and the kidlets for a few hours. I am hoping for a nap from Cal prior to our store outing, just so I get a few hours of peace and quiet to prep for dinner and yes, to start season two of my latest diversion.

I have always loved Sundays.

BLE: Cortisol, the sneaky hormone

I struggled this week (obviously) and it wasn't until I was sitting in the waiting room at Kaiser after my first shot of the Covid vaccine that I realized how much I had been stressing about it.  It took about five minutes of self monitoring afterwards to realize that one, I wasn't experiencing any of the adverse reactions that were listed in rotation on the big bright monitors in the observation room, and two, that my shoulders had relaxed from a constant state of stress.

Sitting here this morning, feeling fine with a slightly sore arm at the injection site just like any flu shot, I am ready and willing to blame my rough week on stress. I can feel the difference in my demeanor and physical well being from before and after the shot. And there had been no mental stress; I was ready and willing to have the vaccine with no worries about how safe it was or wasn't. I do, after all, still take Immune every day as I have for...18 years now?... and know my immune system is ready to meet any challenge. 

But apparently I was stressed, and the cortisol was showing up in my lowered resistance to the drug of my choice - food. I know now from learning about how the brain works that my body was searching for endorphins to counter the cortisol - the 'oblivion that masks pain'. How do I know? Because the drive to eat disappeared once I knew I was good to go after the vaccine. No chatter about stopping to eat on the way home, no desire to drive through for a little 'something something'.

This is all assumption based on the difference between how I was feeling all week and how I feel now; as I have often complained, there is no control group for a life. It will be a great disappointment if there is never a time I get to sit in review of my life and say, "Hey look, I got that one right!" Or, "Wow, I really shouldn't have done that, I need to remember this for next time!" Enough philosophy. Bottom line, I wasn't tempted this morning to 'clean up' after Cal by finishing a snack, and I am glad to have had a Bright night to start the day. To start this day, this gloriously sunny, full of possibilities day. Okay, now I'm sounding manic, ugh.

I emailed in my vacation request to the night job, have my flight plans for Hawaii, and think that maybe I am back on board whole heartedly with my commitment to staying Bright. I know more than some, and as good as many, that this may be a fleeting feeling. At any moment things can turn on a dime, but for now I feel calm, and centered, and ready to move forward.

Someday I will feel this way all the time. Or at least most of the time. That is my hope and my dream, to quote a million others with grand expectations.

BLE: Sidetrapped

Everything is okay until it isn't. One moment on the straight and narrow, the next in the ditch. There is a saying about how we are always just 2 steps from the ditch, or if you are in the ditch how you are always just 2 steps from the road. Something like that. Yesterday I was wearing a new tank top, and noticed my arms were thinner. Which reminded me of shooting my bow, and how I would love to be that strong again. The weather being in the 70s I put another tank top on this morning, and by this afternoon was eating off plan. It has not been a Bright day. I don't know if it was the sight of thinner arms, or because I had just written about how my days are almost always Bright, but someone inside was activated.

The question becomes, which rebel's cage did I rattle and why wasn't I able to work through the urge to eat. In the moment there was panic, a tightening of my chest, a fierce determination to eat...something, anything, and right now. I let myself feel a little disgusted before calming down and deciding it wasn't the end of the world. Instead it is an opportunity for inner-work, and learning about this savage part that jumps in so hot and heavy without warning. Savage, maybe I'll vision her as Sheena, Queen of the Jungle and put her in a loin cloth. Some wild and ratted hair, a spear, and I'm ready to invite her for a knock down, drag out confrontation. But no, that is not how we operate, we mind our manners.

And here comes the anger, because I am really mad at her, and want her to understand how I feel. Following my instincts, I think that will need to come first, and then the love. Eventually? Because it's really hard to unblend from her at the moment, and that has to happen first.

Deep breath. Well, a few deep breaths. This is nothing, and definitely not the beginning of anything. It was just a few minutes of crazy and I'm over it.  Well, not exactly over it, the analyzer part of me is still trying to figure out what the trigger was. Maybe the cookies I picked up for Cal at lunch, maybe knowing there is Easter chocolate still in the house and leftover pizza in the fridge.  And homemade cookies out in the garage. Maybe, just maybe, it's the culmination of all of those things, and it was just more than my inner psyche could bear.

I tell myself things will be different once Cal's treatment is over and we aren't stressing about his calorie intake. I tell myself things will be different once cortisol levels even out once Covid isn't breathing down our necks. I tell myself things will be different once Summer is here, and we're outside more.  But I can't live in the future, I need to live in the day. In this day. And I need to go settle down and seek the part who has managed to 'sidetrap' me. (Cal's latest expression which I am finding very accurate.)

Back to work, not smiling, but no longer super angry.

BLF: Copy and Paste

Being Bright a couple of days and nights in a row means my calories are down and my hunger is up. I have cardamom tea to sip on, and just over an hour to go until dinner, and I am sitting down to write to kill time. The dog and his boy are curled up next to my desk on my bed watching Netflix on their way to a nap. We all wonder different things about Cal's last couple of years in treatment, the way he has been raised, and how it has all affected him. Screen time has been a huge source of comfort for him, but in light of the last Covid year, I think most of us are taking a ride in that boat now anyway, 

Summer plans are in the works, and he loves being outside at every opportunity, so I'm not worried about it. Just curious. Will he ever sit down to a meal without his pad? Will he be able to fall asleep to the sound of crickets instead of Octonauts?  Time will tell.

Today's Food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana w\ the last of the blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cabbage, red onion, red pepper salad w\ artichoke hearts, red kidney beans & parmesan

Meals are easy to record this week, just copy and paste, and since keeping it simple is encouraged it feels good to be working that part of the program again. Everything is so good, it's easy to eat the same thing over and over again. I'll do another batch of roasted veggies tomorrow, they are almost gone, and prep some oatmeal for the next batch of breakfast containers to switch things up a bit in the morning; love me some peanut butter and oatmeal!

I have listened to other Bright Liners talk about eating the exact same thing for breakfast or lunch for years, and I will admit I don't get that. But having a pocketful of go-to meals that I love definitely makes it easy to eat Bright every meal of every day. Which I have mostly done since October 2019; three Bright meals and done.  Until Midnight. Which is how I have maintained the weight lost so far. There is a small part of me that jumps up at the thought of losing more weight; all I have to do is not eat at night - the rest is handled. This is the manic part that after two Bright nights in a row is full of enthusiasm and plans and fills my head with thoughts of hiking and shooting my bow again. In cute shorts.

The IFS conversation that follows is about me calming her down, letting her know that things really aren't going to change that much or that quickly, and to please put on some bunny slippers while she curls up in an easy chair to just wait and see. I appreciate her passion, but we don't want to poke the bear that is my rebel, and she agrees to tone it down a bit. I take a few minutes to really envision her, the way she looks and feels, the fabric on the chair she's snuggled into, the adorable pink bunny slippers she is wearing that go so well with her soft grey yoga pants. The more details the better, and the calm moves through me, a soft ocean wave that smooths over any imperfections of the sand that is my ego.

I can also feel the calm emanating from the bed beside me, both little beasts having fallen asleep while I tapped away. Time to go chop some veggies, and put together a big beautiful salad to have ready at exactly 4pm when I will eat my dinner. Have I mentioned that? Breakfast at 8am, Lunch at 11am (I know, it should be 12 but I can never wait), and dinner at 4pm. That gives me a fasting window of 16 hours when I stay Bright all night.  Eating early is no longer reserved for Senior Citizens, even thought I am one now, and it's a good feeling to know I'm not just a fuddy duddy old lady, but part of a movement looking for better health through food and habits.

As I said, time to chop.

BLF: Bright and more Bright

Last night while lying in bed I promised myself, or at least one of myselves, that she could have Harvest Grain Pancakes from iHop if she could just wait until morning to eat. I was desperate and it was a last ditch effort to stay Bright. It worked. I slept. And luckily this morning I was back on track mentally as I always find myself in the morning and easily ate a big Bright breakfast. It would have been so easy too; R had taken Cal to treatment and wouldn't be back for hours, and I had dropped A off at school. So free time to do what ever I pleased.  Which turned out not to be pancakes but coming home and signing on to work for an hour and a half. Go Me.

It was an easy day. Cal lay down for a nap and R took A to lunch so the house was quiet and I logged some more time at work. Then R and I watched a movie in the middle of a Monday afternoon! It was nice to relax, Mondays are usually so hard, and it was a really nice change of pace even though I ended up working a couple of extra hours.

Today's food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana and some blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cabbage, red onion, red pepper salad w\ artichoke hearts, red kidney beans & parmesan

So I was Bright today following a Bright night, and my brain is in a good place heading into this evening. I'm thinking about Summer clothes, and how fun it is to watch R getting smaller all the time, and thinking about how I can be doing the same thing if I can stay focused and not lapse into moodiness. Reminder to self, add back ground flax meal and spinach to your meals!!

I'm really glad I cooked this weekend, it makes everything so much easier when I know exactly what's in the fridge and what my meals for the next day are. Which of course is one of the fixes for will-power depletion. 

And I can see from the thoughts that are popping up that the part of me that wants to manage everything is peeking her head out, letting me know how I could be doing things perfectly, and I am calmly assuring her that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at the moment and that she can go rest and take it easy for awhile. "I've got this", I tell her in the nicest way possible. And it's these little conversations that will make the difference, and noticing why I am doing something before it becomes problematic. Too perfect leads to deprivation which wakes up the rebel and there I go back into the ditch.  Not this time ladies, not this time.

Sanity in check, I'm ready for some night time tea, and American Idol.

BLE: Hawaii; blessing or curse

 As I sit down to write I can clearly see Helen Hunt saying to Jack Nicholson something like, "I wish I had your problems where someone wants to lend me their convertible to get out of the city!" I know it's not an accurate quote from As Good As It Gets, but the point is that this is a problem that literally millions would love to have. That is how blessed my life is and also a small footnote about how I may not be as grateful as I think I am.

My daughter looked me in the eye earlier today and told me to prepare myself because we are going to Hawaii in August. All of us, including me. I've been thinking about this on and off for a bit because I knew it was a possibility and was preparing my polite regrets for if it became an actuality. The long flight, the pain, taking time apart. So much for that plan; the look in her eye was pointed and clear - I was going.

So how is that a problem? Because of the pressure I feel to stay Bright and lose some more weight in the next few months. Realistically I want to do that anyway, and recently being able to commit has been a topic in my master mind group. So really, the Universe just handed me a challenge to speed along the lesson.

This week the focus will be on staying Bright, and connecting with the part of me that rebels against perceived, or self inflicted, pressure. Why my parts have to fight is a bit of a mystery, but I know there is history behind the whys and wherefores of my parts and that it is up to me to decipher the lot, offer love and understanding, and bring them into the fold. Kicking and screaming if needs be.

In group yesterday I mentioned that I need to update my parts map to include the parts I have identified since we first took the Bright Line Freedom course. And of course now it feels like homework - but only to the part of me that is dragging her heels and spitting and cursing at the inconvenience of it all. "I mean really", she says, "just pop a bowl of popcorn and forget about it!" Yes, she does have some nerve. But I will love her, and I will welcome her, and with all the self compassion I can muster.

Today's food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana and some blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cauliflower soup, bbq pulled pork, green salad w\ artichoke hearts & parmesan

Dinner was different than planned, but M came home with left over bbq, and I had some veggie soup to finish up, and turns out it was a marriage made in heaven. The lentils will wait.

A quick trip to Kohls this afternoon for some Summer tops found me shopping in the Ladies section, not to be confused with the Women's Plus section, and the tops all fit. I'm still in an XXL, but they are smaller than the XXL's you find in the plus sizes so I am not too bent out of shape. This was a good reminder to stay on track. While it's nice to be down 30 #s, I need the next 30 to leave now. Like right now, before Hawaii. And there it is, the stress of expectations I don't trust myself to meet.

One Day At A Time. This is going to happen.

BLF: The angry part

Yesterday, and actually all week, I was struggling again with thoughts of food. But yesterday I got mad about it, first mad at the part of me that couldn't stop thinking about food, and then at the food that brought me to this place I am at in my life. Bright Line Eating has brought me to a place where I need to accept that I am a food addict, and that every time I put sugar or flour in my mouth it's just extending the time it will take to heal from that addiction. Drug addicts who enjoy recovery do not partake sparingly of their drug of choice. And neither can I. 

So my parts work this week has been about working with that part (or parts) who generate so much anger. I have never considered myself to be an angry person, have in fact taken a little bit of pride on being a calm and patient person. A mediator, and one who practices the Pollyanna game of trying to find the good in everything and everyone. Not that I always succeed, and not usually with myself. Which is why the lesson of self compassion has been so important in my parts work. 'All parts are welcome.' So working to accept and understand the part of me that is so angry has been and continues to be a challenge.

I did finally reach a place of calm yesterday, redirecting the anger I was feeling away from myself and towards the food that has been poison to me for so long. I mean really, why would I plan to go eat something that has been nothing but a detriment to my physical and mental health for the past forty years or so. Well, not nothing, I think there must have been pleasure involved, but it was never anything but a feeling so fleeting as to barely register any satisfaction at all. Which is part of the addiction, never feeling satisfied and always wanting or needing more. And that's the curse, the never ending need and the chatter that revolves around it.

I am focused this coming week on engaging with that chatter, and using G's approach from our master mind group this morning by saying to that angry part, "tell me more about that", and remembering to breath, and accept, this part of myself.

Early this morning I loaded up my grocery cart with mostly fruits and vegetables, and resisted the urge to bring anything I wouldn't eat myself home to the grandkids. Cal asks for chocolate cake daily, and it's hard to not indulge him when you see those are the only calories he might eat all day. Chemo and chocolate do make good bed fellows I guess, nausea and the endorphins to make one feel better. Thank heavens treatment is coming to an end this Summer.

I've roasted off a couple of trays of veggies, to use for prepping lunches and dinners. I have a pot of ground beef, onions, and tomatoes simmering, part of it to make a ziti bake for the kids and their dad, and part of it to serve over zoodles for me and R. For the rest of the week I have lentils in the freezer ready to make stoups for lunches, and there is lots of fresh veg for big dinner salads. Left over homemade refried beans and farrow will be breakfast with some salsa and cheese thrown in. And there is a big basket of Sugar Bee apples, crunchy and sweet, begging to be eaten.

Time to head out for some sun. I've already watered the tomatoes, peppers, and peas, and I think it's time for a walk on the 'used to be golf course' with my audio book.

BLE: Easter thoughts

The fridge is packed with food for tomorrow, and for the first time in  my life Easter dinner will not include brown bread.  And there will be a pork roast instead of a ham. And no coleslaw. Am i okay with this? Yes. We are adding lots of veggies to the pan to roast along with the pork, and I've eaten enough brown bread to last me a lifetime. I can visualize the bite of ham, coleslaw, and brown bread so perfectly that I can actually taste it.  It's enough, and tomorrow we will be Bright for all three meals.

Of course it is a little disconcerting to see the package of cinnamon rolls in the fridge, ready to bake of in the morning for the family. And to know R is baking some banana bread tonight for her honey to use up the brown bananas. "You're killing me smalls!", I toss out at her as I leave the room to come and write. But it's all good. We are so used to having NMF (not my food) lying about, rejects from trying to tempt Cal to eat, that these planned treats are just a couple more in the long litany of items that shall not be eaten.

I'm looking forward to the usual holiday tasks; buying flowers, making the house look nice, hiding eggs for when the family returns home from Church. Bless R for taking the kids down to meet M at the church. How differently we will all celebrate tomorrow, but even in our differences, it's just all about the love.

What a beautiful prevening it is outside my window. Lawns fresh with new growth spreading down the street to join the golf course, white and grey clouds streaking across a blue spring sky, and a cool wind tossing the leaves about on trees, making them look as though they had something important to share.

I am grateful this evening to be colouring eggs with my daughter, and hopeful that A will join us. Searching back for Easter it almost hurts to realize how much time we once spent together, but then I take a moment to remember to be grateful that we had that time together. I know we will be close again one day, but I am sure that 12 is as trying these days for her as when it was my turn to be filled with the angst and frustration of being a pre-teen. You know, back when I knew everything. So I give her space so she can take her turn at this pivotal point in her life.  But I want her back, and practice patience and love at every turn in anticipation of that day.

Time to go draw with black wax on eggs and make a mess of what should be a beautiful art project.

BLE: A slice of Peace

Last night was Bright, and it wasn't until this morning that I realized there was left over pizza in the fridge. I am a little flabbergasted; I knew the family had brought in pizza for dinner and it never occurred tome to have some? Not once did my brain start planning the sneak attack? I didn't think about moving left overs into the garage fridge so I wouldn't be tempted. I didn't lie in bed waiting for the house to be dark and quiet so I could grab a piece. I didn't think about it at all. Not even a little bit. Not even when I stopped in the hallway around midnight and made the decision to just go back to bed. Nothing, not a single wisp of a thought.

It's a first. Pizza has been my all time go-to for over forty years. I think I was 21 when I started working for my In-Laws at Round Table, and when we weren't wired we were eating pizza. It has always been my comfort food, and I spent my life knowing I was over-indulging. Yet it never occurred to me that my behavior was that of an addict. And that coming off of a few years of drug use that made me intimately familiar with the concept of addiction. It took SPT to make the connection and tell me all about it in Bright Line Eating.

This morning I was listening to one of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday episodes, and while I can't remember the gentleman's name, I remember the message. When you find yourself adrift in a valley, look for the forest. And  you have to go through the forest alone, to make your way up the next mountain.  So, when you are complacent, accept the next challenge, because the mountain you get to climb on the other side brings the next wonderful thing to your life.

That's what this journey of food addiction feels like, a forest that I am fighting my way through. But on this journey I have support, and friends, in my MMG, and not wanting to let them down has been a source of stress for me. Especially this week after committing to stay Bright and not being able to follow through. And I think that is the point. While they are here for me, I have to be here for myself. While they are companions on this trek through the forest, I am the one who has to do the work. And that is what I was feeling last night as I was preparing for bed; the responsibility I need to hold for my self care. I am the only one who can do it, and I need to accept that and stop looking for anyone or anything to rescue me.

There is no rescue, there is only the work that will get me through, that will gain  me passage to what is next. I already know this, having confronted the whole, 'there is no knight in shining armour' syndrome that all girls and boys of my generation have had to face. But I don't think I really KNEW it. A part of me is so stubborn, and has just refused the responsibility. I can still feel that spark of resentment, that little voice campaigning for an easy life, the one I should have had. Like I was entitled or something.

This human experience is so strange. I admire those who have figured out there is more to it than just going through the physical motions, but it's not something I ever thought to attain for myself. It was beyond me somehow, or something I didn't need to do because I've already been here and done that. Such a strange concept, but such a strong feeling of certainty has always accompanied that thought. Like, someone else accomplishing enlightenment means I have too just by recognizing it in them. Again, so strange.

Bottom line, I know I am the one doing the work now, and that part of the work is figuring out why a 'commitment' changes anything about my intentions. And of course that is true for the rest of my MM Group. We may be on this journey together, but each of us has to do the work alone. Fight through the forest alone.

I realize this morning that there has been a small shift, and it's because of the inner-work I am doing, attempting to do, whatever. Because not thinking of pizza didn't just manifest out of the blue. Something had to have happened for that significant of a change to have occurred in my brain. Finally, a small slice of peace. Literally.