BLE: Sidetrapped

Everything is okay until it isn't. One moment on the straight and narrow, the next in the ditch. There is a saying about how we are always just 2 steps from the ditch, or if you are in the ditch how you are always just 2 steps from the road. Something like that. Yesterday I was wearing a new tank top, and noticed my arms were thinner. Which reminded me of shooting my bow, and how I would love to be that strong again. The weather being in the 70s I put another tank top on this morning, and by this afternoon was eating off plan. It has not been a Bright day. I don't know if it was the sight of thinner arms, or because I had just written about how my days are almost always Bright, but someone inside was activated.

The question becomes, which rebel's cage did I rattle and why wasn't I able to work through the urge to eat. In the moment there was panic, a tightening of my chest, a fierce determination to eat...something, anything, and right now. I let myself feel a little disgusted before calming down and deciding it wasn't the end of the world. Instead it is an opportunity for inner-work, and learning about this savage part that jumps in so hot and heavy without warning. Savage, maybe I'll vision her as Sheena, Queen of the Jungle and put her in a loin cloth. Some wild and ratted hair, a spear, and I'm ready to invite her for a knock down, drag out confrontation. But no, that is not how we operate, we mind our manners.

And here comes the anger, because I am really mad at her, and want her to understand how I feel. Following my instincts, I think that will need to come first, and then the love. Eventually? Because it's really hard to unblend from her at the moment, and that has to happen first.

Deep breath. Well, a few deep breaths. This is nothing, and definitely not the beginning of anything. It was just a few minutes of crazy and I'm over it.  Well, not exactly over it, the analyzer part of me is still trying to figure out what the trigger was. Maybe the cookies I picked up for Cal at lunch, maybe knowing there is Easter chocolate still in the house and leftover pizza in the fridge.  And homemade cookies out in the garage. Maybe, just maybe, it's the culmination of all of those things, and it was just more than my inner psyche could bear.

I tell myself things will be different once Cal's treatment is over and we aren't stressing about his calorie intake. I tell myself things will be different once cortisol levels even out once Covid isn't breathing down our necks. I tell myself things will be different once Summer is here, and we're outside more.  But I can't live in the future, I need to live in the day. In this day. And I need to go settle down and seek the part who has managed to 'sidetrap' me. (Cal's latest expression which I am finding very accurate.)

Back to work, not smiling, but no longer super angry.